Groom family

Tmom1134 · July 2013

Thoughts on mog and grooms sister/bridesmaid taking charge of bridal shower and bachelorette without first calling mob or moh (b's sister)?

misshart00 · July 2013

Totally fine. Anyone can plan a shower. They don't have to talk to anyone else but the bride.

OliveOilsMom · July 2013

Tmom1134 said:

Thoughts on mog and grooms sister/bridesmaid taking charge of bridal shower and bachelorette without first calling mob or moh (b's sister)?

I would ask the bride. Tell her you want to throw her a shower and/or a b-party. See what the bride says. If she says that her mom or moh is taking care of it, I would then reach out to them and offer your assistance in the planning. If she says no one else is planning anything tell her you will take up the planning.

manateehugger · July 2013

Agreed. The MOH and MOB don't have dibs on the bachelorette or the shower. It's not their job. Those parties are gifts that anyone can give.

Tmom1134 · July 2013

Even if mog is taking over the wedding and nobody consulted with mob about the shower? I think she expected to throw it because she did everything for first daughters wedding.

misshart00 · July 2013

Tmom1134 said:

Even if mog is taking over the wedding and nobody consulted with mob about the shower? I think she expected to throw it because she did everything for first daughters wedding.

No one has to consult the mob. She's not hosting. And it doesn't matter what she did for her other daughters wedding. Why don't you tell us the whole story?

Tmom1134 · July 2013

I just think it's rude to send a group email taking charge without giving the courtesy of a call first...

manateehugger · July 2013

Tmom1134 said:

I just think it's rude to send a group email taking charge without giving the courtesy of a call first...

A bride can have more than one shower. It is up to the bride to decline an offer if she doesn't want the shower. It is a gift someone is giving to the bride, nothing more.

misshart00 · July 2013

Again, why don't you explain the whole story and then we can better answer your questions.

QueerFemme · July 2013

Tmom1134 said:

I just think it's rude to send a group email taking charge without giving the courtesy of a call first...

So, you are pissed at your FMIL (or your daughter's FMIL) and you were hoping people here would co-sign that?

If she wants to host a shower, she is entitled to do that. If the bride accepts that shower, that's all that matters. No one needs to consult each other. I'm going to assume that you are the mother of the bride, and that's why your panties are in a bunch... You are certainly within your rights not to participate in this shower, and host your own for your daughter, with your own guest list.

Tmom1134 · July 2013

Whole story: g has no relationship with brides family, but is very close with his. As a result, b has been somewhat alienated from her family because always with g family and g friends. G sister and mog have done extremely rude things to b on multiple occasions. It's not the healthiest relationship w b and g.

G proposed, fob wanted to not give permission to get engaged but decided against it because he thought it was inappropriate. G family has not reached out to b family at all since engagement, except that both kids (b and g) invited both parents on a cruise. Brides parents could not attend the cruise. Grooms sister says she wants to plan bachelorette and begins to plan with grooms mom.

Mog has taken it upon herself to give a "gift" toward the wedding except that means she decides how the money is spent - she is picking out things and signing contracts for things (just her and groom are involved in this). Mob feels like his family is taking over and has no idea what is going o .

Sister of groom asks b is she wants to go on this cruise and sends email to bp setting date and giving itinerary for bachelorette and explaining that she and mog are planning. Nobody spoke at all with mob or moh to see if they were planning anything. I think mob assumed the shower would be her responsibility.

manateehugger · July 2013

Tmom1134 said:

Whole story: g has no relationship with brides family, but is very close with his. As a result, b has been somewhat alienated from her family because always with g family and g friends. G sister and mog have done extremely rude things to b on multiple occasions. It's not the healthiest relationship w b and g. G proposed, fob wanted to not give permission to get engaged but decided against it because he thought it was inappropriate. G family has not reached out to b family at all since engagement, except that both kids (b and g) invited both parents on a cruise. Brides parents could not attend the cruise. Grooms sister says she wants to plan bachelorette and begins to plan with grooms mom. Mog has taken it upon herself to give a "gift" toward the wedding except that means she decides how the money is spent - she is picking out things and signing contracts for things (just her and groom are involved in this). Mob feels like his family is taking over and has no idea what is going o . Sister of groom asks b is she wants to go on this cruise and sends email to bp setting date and giving itinerary for bachelorette and explaining that she and mog are planning. Nobody spoke at all with mob or moh to see if they were planning anything. I think mob assumed the shower would be her responsibility.

Oh geeze, here goes:

1. I'm very glad FOB decided against declining permission; I should hope the bride is old enough to make her own decisions about marriage.

2. It sounds like the bride and groom are aware the families don't know each other well and made an effort. It's a shame it didn't work out, but it's not really a requirement that the two families be best buddies.

3. It was very kind of the groom's sister to take on the bachelorette. Again, this party is a GIFT to which no one really has a natural claim to give. The bride's sister should be an adult and simply say she'd like to help plan.

4. MOG's money IS her money and she does get to spend it how she'd like. She doesn't have to consult anyone but the bride and groom. Now if the bride is being left out of the loop, I agree that is a huge problem. Why is the groom leaving her out of the picture?

5. MOB needs to realize that her daughter has a new family to deal with and speak with her daughter like an adult. She needs to express how she is feeling. And again, a bride can have more than one shower - most of my friends do.

Tmom1134 · July 2013

I said g has no relationship with family but neglected to point out that b has very close relationship with her family. B goes on most trips w her family and visits them and her friends and g refuses to go.

manateehugger · July 2013

Tmom1134 said:

I said g has no relationship with family but neglected to point out that b has very close relationship with her family. B goes on most trips w her family and visits them and her friends and g refuses to go.

What does B think about this?

I think we all know what MOB thinks, but that's not half as important as B's thoughts.

Tmom1134 · July 2013

B is upset about it but again I said it's an unhealthy situation.

NYCBruin · July 2013

PDKH said:

Tmom1134 said:

I said g has no relationship with family but neglected to point out that b has very close relationship with her family. B goes on most trips w her family and visits them and her friends and g refuses to go.

What does B think about this?

I think we all know what MOB thinks, but that's not half as important as B's thoughts.

Yup. This is only a problem if the bride has a problem with it.

FI and I both have friends the other doesn't care for. We both visit them without the other. We don't subject the other to people they don't like spending time with. Its not fun to hang out with someone when you know your partner doesn't want to be there. Also sometimes I want to spend time with friends/family without FI.

There are a lot of reasons why he might not spend time with your family/her friends. As long as they are happy with the situation that's all that really matters.

NYCBruin · July 2013

Tmom1134 said:
B is upset about it but again I said it's an unhealthy situation.

What has bride said about it specifically? What is she upset about? It really doesn't even matter though since this is something her and groom need to figure out themselves.

QueerFemme · July 2013

Tmom1134 said:

Whole story: g has no relationship with brides family, but is very close with his. As a result, b has been somewhat alienated from her family because always with g family and g friends. G sister and mog have done extremely rude things to b on multiple occasions. It's not the healthiest relationship w b and g. G proposed, fob wanted to not give permission to get engaged but decided against it because he thought it was inappropriate. G family has not reached out to b family at all since engagement, except that both kids (b and g) invited both parents on a cruise. Brides parents could not attend the cruise. Grooms sister says she wants to plan bachelorette and begins to plan with grooms mom. Mog has taken it upon herself to give a "gift" toward the wedding except that means she decides how the money is spent - she is picking out things and signing contracts for things (just her and groom are involved in this). Mob feels like his family is taking over and has no idea what is going o . Sister of groom asks b is she wants to go on this cruise and sends email to bp setting date and giving itinerary for bachelorette and explaining that she and mog are planning. Nobody spoke at all with mob or moh to see if they were planning anything. I think mob assumed the shower would be her responsibility.

None of this is inapporpriate. If groom doesn't want to spend time with bride's family, he isn't required to. If MOB wants to host her own party, she can do that. If MOB or Sister of Bride wants to participate in the part that MOG is hosting, they can certainly do that. But, MOG isn't doing anything wrong.

ETA: If Bride is alienated from her family and chooses to spend all of her time with Groom's family, that is BRIDE's choice. I'm assuming no one has her on a leash and tells her what she can and cannot do.

Tmom1134 · July 2013

B says lots of things about it and G threatens to call off wedding when he doesn't get his way, then he gets his way

manateehugger · July 2013

Tmom1134 said:

B says lots of things about it and G threatens to call off wedding when he doesn't get his way, then he gets his way

How do you know this?

ETA: I'm also a little concerned that the bride's family seems to be more worried over who hosts the bachelorette party and shower that the fact that the bride is potentially in an emotionally abusive relationship.

Tmom1134 · July 2013

B

Tmom1134 · July 2013

B has mental issues. I think it's the running joke w family of g.

harper0813 · July 2013

So at this point you, as the mother of the bride, have stayed out of the situation and you should continue to stay out of it. If your daughter, the bride, is unhappy with the planning and does not want the wedding that the groom's mother is pushing on her, you can advise her to turn down the money and pay for the wedding with her own money.

If the bride, however, is okay with how things are going, you should be, too. Or at least pretend to be. Give her your support and advice but then let her do what she wants to do.

I do not hear any etiquette issues here.

NYCBruin · July 2013

Tmom1134 said:

B says lots of things about it and G threatens to call off wedding when he doesn't get his way, then he gets his way

If this is true, then I'm not sure why you are complaining about not being involved in a shower. I would hope you'd be more concerned about your FSIL emotionally blackmailing your daughter than your feelings being hurt by being left out of wedding planning. Since you didn't lead with this, I'm guessing it's either entirely untrue or grossly exaggerated.

QueerFemme · July 2013

Tmom1134 said:

B has mental issues. I think it's the running joke w family of g.

*smh* if you think she is being coerced into marriage, or she is not of sound mind. Then, maybe you should petition the courts to have her ability to make decisions for herself removed. Otherwise, stay the hell out of it.

Tmom1134 · July 2013

B also stated she would not accept "gifts" with strings attached (the definition of a gift is that it comes without conditions). Hence the reason g and mog are picking all this stuff for the wedding.

NYCBruin · July 2013

Tmom1134 said:

B has mental issues. I think it's the running joke w family of g.

Then you should be more worried about bride getting married at all. Showers should be the least of your concerns.

QueerFemme · July 2013

Tmom1134 said:

B also stated she would not accept "gifts" with strings attached (the definition of a gift is that it comes without conditions). Hence the reason g and mog are picking all this stuff for the wedding.

And again, if Bride is old enough to get married, and is not mentally incapacitated, she is allowing this to happen. You need to stay out of it.

Tmom1134 · July 2013

NYCBruin said:

Tmom1134 said:

B says lots of things about it and G threatens to call off wedding when he doesn't get his way, then he gets his way

If this is true, then I'm not sure why you are complaining about not being involved in a shower. I would hope you'd be more concerned about your FSIL emotionally blackmailing your daughter than your feelings being hurt by being left out of wedding planning. Since you didn't lead with this, I'm guessing it's either entirely untrue or grossly exaggerated.

Totally true. Left it out because I wanted general consensus on the issue of mog and fsil taking over things that are traditionally brides family or moh/bridal party. Then I felt attacked because you girls are really judgmental and kept asking for further facts so I gave them

Tmom1134 · July 2013

NYC what should I do??

QueerFemme · July 2013

Tmom1134 said:

Tmom1134 said:

B says lots of things about it and G threatens to call off wedding when he doesn't get his way, then he gets his way
If this is true, then I'm not sure why you are complaining about not being involved in a shower. I would hope you'd be more concerned about your FSIL emotionally blackmailing your daughter than your feelings being hurt by being left out of wedding planning. Since you didn't lead with this, I'm guessing it's either entirely untrue or grossly exaggerated.
Totally true. Left it out because I wanted general consensus on the issue of mog and fsil taking over things that are traditionally brides family or moh/bridal party. Then I felt attacked because you girls are really judgmental and kept asking for further facts so I gave them

No one is being judgmental. We are telling you, the MOG/SOG isn't doing anything wrong by planning the shower. And there is no tradition of the moh/bridal party planning. Quite often a bride will have multiple showers from different sides of the various familes as well as shower from work friends, etc. If you want to plan a shower, plan one. You don't have to sign on to the one that MOG is planning.

If you are actualy worried about bride and bride's relationship with his family, or her own family, then address that directly with bride. She is a grown person.

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