Groom family

manateehugger · July 2013

Tmom1134 said:

Tmom1134 said:

B says lots of things about it and G threatens to call off wedding when he doesn't get his way, then he gets his way

If this is true, then I'm not sure why you are complaining about not being involved in a shower. I would hope you'd be more concerned about your FSIL emotionally blackmailing your daughter than your feelings being hurt by being left out of wedding planning. Since you didn't lead with this, I'm guessing it's either entirely untrue or grossly exaggerated.
Totally true. Left it out because I wanted general consensus on the issue of mog and fsil taking over things that are traditionally brides family or moh/bridal party. Then I felt attacked because you girls are really judgmental and kept asking for further facts so I gave them

Are you kidding me?!

You are more worried about the "traditional duties" (traditionally in my circle, the bride has a shower hosted by family friends on BOTH sides) than the fact that a potentially mentally unstable woman is marrying into an abusive relationship.

You can't be for real. We aren't judgmental - we all just said it is FINE for the MOG to host a shower.

monkeysip · July 2013

StageManager14 said:

Also, I know you don't want to hear this, but H doesn't have a ton of contact with his family because he doesn't LIKE spending time with his family. I've been blamed for "alienating" him in the past but the only thing alienating him from his family is their behavior.

This. I hate how families always assume it must be the spouse's fault. Oh, he/she is stealing my daughter/son away from me! Maybe the son or daughter just doesn't like being around you anymore. It sucks, but blaming the spouse usually just makes things worse.

NYCBruin · July 2013

Tmom1134 said:

NYC what should I do??

About the shower? Nothing. There has been no etiquette breach.

If you're seriously worried about the bride, then you should have a conversation with the bride.

Tmom1134 · July 2013

I have and she will go through with it if he changed his mind about calling it off (this time)

NYCBruin · July 2013

Tmom1134 said:

I have and she will go through with it if he changed his mind about calling it off (this time)

Then that's all you can do. She's an adult. Stay out of it. Getting upset over things you have no right to be upset about (like the shower) isn't going to bolster your credibility with her BTW.

ETA: In all honesty, it's painfully obvious to a bunch of internet strangers that you don't care for groom and his family. Bride probably picks up on this. This makes it easy for any legitimate concerns you raise to bride to be brushed off as "well mom just doesn't like groom." If you want to actually have a serious adult conversation with the bride about your concerns and be taken seriously, you need to not nit-pick little things and hide your disdain a little better.

Tmom1134 · July 2013

KindaSparkly said:
If the shower is for the groom's side of the guest list only, I don't see a need to involved the MOB or bride's sisters. If the shower will include people from the bride's side, it would probably be best to touch base with them to make sure the date works for their family (no Grandmother's 100th birthday party scheduled for that day) and that they are free to attend.
As far as the bachelorette party, if the BM expects the MOH or other BM's to pay or help host, they should absolutely be involved and have their opinions heard. Even if they aren't hosting, I would also touch base with other people in the WP to make sure they are free to attend since it is probably important to the bride to have her closest friends and sister there.

No touching base was done to ensure anyone was there. That's my point re the etiquette issue.

QueerFemme · July 2013

Tmom1134 said:

If the shower is for the groom's side of the guest list only, I don't see a need to involved the MOB or bride's sisters. If the shower will include people from the bride's side, it would probably be best to touch base with them to make sure the date works for their family (no Grandmother's 100th birthday party scheduled for that day) and that they are free to attend.
As far as the bachelorette party, if the BM expects the MOH or other BM's to pay or help host, they should absolutely be involved and have their opinions heard. Even if they aren't hosting, I would also touch base with other people in the WP to make sure they are free to attend since it is probably important to the bride to have her closest friends and sister there.
No touching base was done to ensure anyone was there. That's my point re the etiquette issue.

There is no etiquette issue with that. You can decline and say "Thanks MOG, but we are hosting a shower for bride as well. But, thanks for thinking of us!". You get to decide how you want, or don't want to participate. But MOG hasn't done anything wrong or violated any etiquette rule.

manateehugger · July 2013

Tmom1134 said:

If the shower is for the groom's side of the guest list only, I don't see a need to involved the MOB or bride's sisters. If the shower will include people from the bride's side, it would probably be best to touch base with them to make sure the date works for their family (no Grandmother's 100th birthday party scheduled for that day) and that they are free to attend.
As far as the bachelorette party, if the BM expects the MOH or other BM's to pay or help host, they should absolutely be involved and have their opinions heard. Even if they aren't hosting, I would also touch base with other people in the WP to make sure they are free to attend since it is probably important to the bride to have her closest friends and sister there.
No touching base was done to ensure anyone was there. That's my point re the etiquette issue.

Was there? It's already happened?

I still want to know why you're still so hung up on these parties when the bride is apparently marrying a horrible man. I also want to know why MOH and MOB haven't spoken to the bride like adults.

Tmom1134 · July 2013

QueerFemme said:

Tmom1134 said:

If the shower is for the groom's side of the guest list only, I don't see a need to involved the MOB or bride's sisters. If the shower will include people from the bride's side, it would probably be best to touch base with them to make sure the date works for their family (no Grandmother's 100th birthday party scheduled for that day) and that they are free to attend.
As far as the bachelorette party, if the BM expects the MOH or other BM's to pay or help host, they should absolutely be involved and have their opinions heard. Even if they aren't hosting, I would also touch base with other people in the WP to make sure they are free to attend since it is probably important to the bride to have her closest friends and sister there.
No touching base was done to ensure anyone was there. That's my point re the etiquette issue.

There is no etiquette issue with that. You can decline and say "Thanks MOG, but we are hosting a shower for bride as well. But, thanks for thinking of us!". You get to decide how you want, or don't want to participate. But MOG hasn't done anything wrong or violated any etiquette rule.

Ok so I can throw my own shower for family of b and friends of b? It's okay to have more than one w family? Also what about family of g and friends of g? They should not be included?

manateehugger · July 2013

Can I ask what your goal is in trying to find an etiquette breach here? I get the feeling you're just hoping for a moral victory here - which wont do you or the bride any good at this point. Let it go.

Tmom1134 · July 2013

PDKH said:
Can I ask what your goal is in trying to find an etiquette breach here? I get the feeling you're just hoping for a moral victory here - which wont do you or the bride any good at this point. Let it go.

I don't want to participate in the things they're planning because of the horrible situation.

Tmom1134 · July 2013

I feel like they add to the situation and make it worse and g thinks what he's doing is okay.

manateehugger · July 2013

Tmom1134 said:

Can I ask what your goal is in trying to find an etiquette breach here? I get the feeling you're just hoping for a moral victory here - which wont do you or the bride any good at this point. Let it go.
I don't want to participate in the things they're planning because of the horrible situation.

Then don't! It's very simple. Upon receiving your invitation, you will unfortunately have prior engagement, come down with a horrible cold, etc. and will politely decline attending. They haven't done anything against etiquette.

We've been saying all along it's perfectly fine for a bride to have multiple showers - so host one of your own. See? Easy.

Most importantly, realize that the bride is an adult now, capable of making her own decisions.

QueerFemme · July 2013

Tmom1134 said:

Tmom1134 said:

If the shower is for the groom's side of the guest list only, I don't see a need to involved the MOB or bride's sisters. If the shower will include people from the bride's side, it would probably be best to touch base with them to make sure the date works for their family (no Grandmother's 100th birthday party scheduled for that day) and that they are free to attend.
As far as the bachelorette party, if the BM expects the MOH or other BM's to pay or help host, they should absolutely be involved and have their opinions heard. Even if they aren't hosting, I would also touch base with other people in the WP to make sure they are free to attend since it is probably important to the bride to have her closest friends and sister there.
No touching base was done to ensure anyone was there. That's my point re the etiquette issue.
There is no etiquette issue with that. You can decline and say "Thanks MOG, but we are hosting a shower for bride as well. But, thanks for thinking of us!". You get to decide how you want, or don't want to participate. But MOG hasn't done anything wrong or violated any etiquette rule.
Ok so I can throw my own shower for family of b and friends of b? It's okay to have more than one w family? Also what about family of g and friends of g? They should not be included?

You can host showers for family of bride and include friends of bride, or really, whoever else you want to include. You shouldn't host more than one shower and don't let the guest list overlap with any other shower (including the one that MOG is hosting). If someone is invited to one shower, don't invite them to another. That screams gift grabby. Otherwise, there is no etiquette issue here.

Tmom1134 · July 2013

So the rule is not to invite people from mog shower because that seems gift grabby?

QueerFemme · July 2013

Tmom1134 said:

So the rule is not to invite people from mog shower because that seems gift grabby?

The rule is, people should be invited to ONE shower. Not multiple showers for the same person. (unless it's the wedding party. Often, the wedding party is invited to every shower, but is not expected to attend all of them, and certainly, doesn't need to give a gift at every (or any) shower.

If your goal is to try to invite everyone on MOG's list, then don't bother doing this. You are going to end up looking like a big jerk, if you don't already.

Tmom1134 · July 2013

QueerFemme said:

Tmom1134 said:

So the rule is not to invite people from mog shower because that seems gift grabby?

The rule is, people should be invited to ONE shower. Not multiple showers for the same person. (unless it's the wedding party. Often, the wedding party is invited to every shower, but is not expected to attend all of them, and certainly, doesn't need to give a gift at every (or any) shower.

If your goal is to try to invite everyone on MOG's list, then don't bother doing this. You are going to end up looking like a big jerk, if you don't already.

I said I intend NOT to invite anyone on mog list.

manateehugger · July 2013

QueerFemme said:

Tmom1134 said:

So the rule is not to invite people from mog shower because that seems gift grabby?

The rule is, people should be invited to ONE shower. Not multiple showers for the same person. (unless it's the wedding party. Often, the wedding party is invited to every shower, but is not expected to attend all of them, and certainly, doesn't need to give a gift at every (or any) shower.

If your goal is to try to invite everyone on MOG's list, then don't bother doing this. You are going to end up looking like a big jerk, if you don't already.

Co-signed - every word.

Tmom1134 · July 2013

PDKH said:

QueerFemme said:

Tmom1134 said:

So the rule is not to invite people from mog shower because that seems gift grabby?

The rule is, people should be invited to ONE shower. Not multiple showers for the same person. (unless it's the wedding party. Often, the wedding party is invited to every shower, but is not expected to attend all of them, and certainly, doesn't need to give a gift at every (or any) shower.

If your goal is to try to invite everyone on MOG's list, then don't bother doing this. You are going to end up looking like a big jerk, if you don't already.

Co-signed - every word.

I said NOT invite people on mog list

Tmom1134 · July 2013

See that's what I mean by judgmental. I never said I wanted to invite people on mog list, but now you're implying I probably look like a big jerk?

manateehugger · July 2013

Tmom1134 said:

See that's what I mean by judgmental. I never said I wanted to invite people on mog list, but now you're implying I probably look like a big jerk?

Ease up on the sensitivity. She said IF that was your goal, you'll look like a jerk.

And I feel like I have to briefly share - my sister was miserable throughout her engagement and wedding because the two families engaged in constant pissing contests. She felt like her voice was lost throughout the whole thing, and it strained her relationship with her now-husband as they tried to balance the wants of both families. The best thing you can do for your bride is just LISTEN to her and what she wants.

QueerFemme · July 2013

PDKH said:

Tmom1134 said:

See that's what I mean by judgmental. I never said I wanted to invite people on mog list, but now you're implying I probably look like a big jerk?
Ease up on the sensitivity. She said IF that was your goal, you'll look like a jerk.

And I feel like I have to briefly share - my sister was miserable throughout her engagement and wedding because the two families engaged in constant pissing contests. She felt like her voice was lost throughout the whole thing, and it strained her relationship with her now-husband as they tried to balance the wants of both families. The best thing you can do for your bride is just LISTEN to her and what she wants.

Exactly. I said IF .. I didn't say you WERE doing that. Although, it's pretty easy to see that you have ssues with this wedding, and with groom, and now, with groom's family. So, it's not a far reach to think that you might be doing something spiteful.

Tmom1134 · July 2013

PDKH said:

Tmom1134 said:

See that's what I mean by judgmental. I never said I wanted to invite people on mog list, but now you're implying I probably look like a big jerk?

Ease up on the sensitivity. She said IF that was your goal, you'll look like a jerk.

And I feel like I have to briefly share - my sister was miserable throughout her engagement and wedding because the two families engaged in constant pissing contests. She felt like her voice was lost throughout the whole thing, and it strained her relationship with her now-husband as they tried to balance the wants of both families. The best thing you can do for your bride is just LISTEN to her and what she wants.

Bride is miserable w groom but desperate to see this through...it makes me sad. I feel like his behavior is driven by his family and like I enable them if I go to their stuff. I find it insulting they think they should be the ones to do all this after all the nasty stuff they've done to her.

NYCBruin · July 2013

Tmom1134 said:

Tmom1134 said:

See that's what I mean by judgmental. I never said I wanted to invite people on mog list, but now you're implying I probably look like a big jerk?

Ease up on the sensitivity. She said IF that was your goal, you'll look like a jerk.

And I feel like I have to briefly share - my sister was miserable throughout her engagement and wedding because the two families engaged in constant pissing contests. She felt like her voice was lost throughout the whole thing, and it strained her relationship with her now-husband as they tried to balance the wants of both families. The best thing you can do for your bride is just LISTEN to her and what she wants.
Bride is miserable w groom but desperate to see this through...it makes me sad. I feel like his behavior is driven by his family and like I enable them if I go to their stuff. I find it insulting they think they should be the ones to do all this after all the nasty stuff they've done to her.

You keep saying that but what are you doing about it? By making this about the shower, you are distracting from the real problem. Have an adult conversation with the bride and say something like this, "Bride, I love you and care about you deeply. It concerns me that groom threatens to call off the wedding when things don't go his way. I worry because this type of behavior won't stop when you get married. Do you really want to be married to someone who threatens to leave you every time he doesn't get what he wants?"

And that is it. No mention of his family, mother or sister. No mention about how you feel left out of wedding planning. No mention of not getting a phone call before the email about the shower. None of it. If you really want to express your concerns about groom to bride you need to make it about them, not you.

Tmom1134 · July 2013

What if she stays and I'm the "bad guy" for having te talk? I can't sit by and watch her do this to herself and fear I will have to politely have to decline everything because I cannot watch this anymore. Someone who says " I don't love you" and dumps you every six months is not the one.

QueerFemme · July 2013

Tmom1134 said:

What if she stays and I'm the "bad guy" for having te talk? I can't sit by and watch her do this to herself and fear I will have to politely have to decline everything because I cannot watch this anymore. Someone who says " I don't love you" and dumps you every six months is not the one.

See, this is what I'm talking about. This whole post was about etiquette and showers and parties & such, but that isn't even the real issue you have. The real issue, is that you don't like this guy, and you don't want her to marry him. I'm not saying you aren't justified for not liking him and/or his family, but you came on here bitching about a shower and that isn't even the problem. You are just looking for another excuse to be pissy.

If you talk to her, yep, it's possible that you will be the bad guy. That's the risk you take when you are honest with a friend. If you cannot support this marriage, don't host a shower and decline to attend the wedding and tell her why. That's your only recourse here.

manateehugger · July 2013

Tmom1134 said:

What if she stays and I'm the "bad guy" for having te talk? I can't sit by and watch her do this to herself and fear I will have to politely have to decline everything because I cannot watch this anymore. Someone who says " I don't love you" and dumps you every six months is not the one.

That is the risk you have to take. Would you rather sit by and pout about showers while she marries the "wrong man"?

NYCBruin · July 2013

Tmom1134 said:

What if she stays and I'm the "bad guy" for having te talk? I can't sit by and watch her do this to herself and fear I will have to politely have to decline everything because I cannot watch this anymore. Someone who says " I don't love you" and dumps you every six months is not the one.

Groom is a terrible person and his whole family is terrible, too!

Happy?

It sounds like that's all you really wanted to hear. You keep changing the story on what you're upset about. I think you just don't like groom and his family and want your feelings validated. Fine. You don't have to like your in-laws.

If you really care about bride and are truly concerned for her, then be an adult and have a conversation with her about your concerns. I have a feeling you're pushing back against this idea because you know this is really just about you not liking him.

NOLAbridealmost · July 2013

Tmom1134 said:

Tmom1134 said:

See that's what I mean by judgmental. I never said I wanted to invite people on mog list, but now you're implying I probably look like a big jerk?

Ease up on the sensitivity. She said IF that was your goal, you'll look like a jerk.

And I feel like I have to briefly share - my sister was miserable throughout her engagement and wedding because the two families engaged in constant pissing contests. She felt like her voice was lost throughout the whole thing, and it strained her relationship with her now-husband as they tried to balance the wants of both families. The best thing you can do for your bride is just LISTEN to her and what she wants.
Bride is miserable w groom but desperate to see this through...it makes me sad. I feel like his behavior is driven by his family and like I enable them if I go to their stuff. I find it insulting they think they should be the ones to do all this after all the nasty stuff they've done to her.

Really? It doesn't sound like she's miserable....she's about to marry the guy! I know this is hard to hear, but unless you actually suspect that B is being abused, you need to just keep quiet and do whatever it takes to support B.

I say this as someone whose relationship with her grandmother was nearly destroyed due to some nasty (and, by the way, untrue) things grandmother had to say about my H while we were engaged.

B is going to do what she wants. If you truly worry that she's going to end up dead, injured, or broken hearted due to addiction or mental or physical abuse on G's part, then you should say something. Anything else? Just shut up and go along with it. It's not up to you to infer that she's miserable. You'll destroy your own relationship with B if you project your feelings onto her.

Oh, and you can host your own shower. I'm going to dissent and say invite whoever you want. Guests invited to both showers can pick one to attend if they want.

Still, not sure why you give a flying flip which side of the family hosts a shower if the larger concern is that B is miserable....

ShesSoCold · July 2013

I agree with PPs - this isn't about a shower at all.

I think you really should talk to her about her relationship and her future. But you have one chance with this conversation. If she totally shuts off and tells you you're dumb and she loves him - drop it. Forever - or until she brings it up with you. If you try again with the conversation, she'll push you further away. Choose your words carefully and let her know you're concerned about her - not that you hate this guy. Remind her how happy she once was and (if applicable) any dreams she had that have fizzled. Make this about your concern for her happiness and NOT about him.

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