Autistic/mentally retarded sister....

[Deleted User] · July 2013

I'll try to keep to the point... My only sister, who is 4 yrs. older than I, is naturally to be my maid-of-honor, however......my sister is autistic/severely mentally retarded. She's low functioning, but no one underestimates her intelligence or comprehension of what goes on around her. She's is fully ambulatory (no wheel chair ever), but she's very "on-the -go". Doesn't , especially stand still long. ALSO, we live in Adam Diego, CA, but our wedding is going to be in Virginia Beach, VA. So, if we got her to the other side of the country, flying would be out of the question die to her inability to stay seated for long. The last time my sister traveled , she has about 5 yrs. old. She is now 34....I'm immensely torn, and unable to make a decision...while I want my one and only beautiful, loving sister there on my special day, at the same token, I don't want to be greedy and have her stress out with change/travel . Every time I have the thought of her not being there with me, or not being in our photos, I choke up, and just want to move on, and avoid the situation, but I know I have to make a decision, very soon too. My sister is my Angel on earth and was a huge influence to who I am, and I why an, the way I am. I don't know anyone who can relate to my situation,so I haven't received much input, other than honoring her somehow, but I don't know what could honor her more than having her there up at the altar with me...our wedding is next May (2014).... The reason why we are having our wedding on the other side of the country is because my fiancé is from VA, PLUS 95% of our guests are on either on the east coast, or in Europe. Plus it's waaaaay cheaper to do things on the east coast than here in CA. =( Such a dilemma...help, please? I always feared that something like this would happen when my time to get married would come. Now it has.... So if the suggestion is to honor her honor her, how? Thank you.

MairePoppy · July 2013

Since your sister isn't able to travel to your wedding, you could plan a small party for your sister's benefit in CA after the wedding. Dress in your wedding clothes, get her a special dress and flowers, and have a small wedding cake made for the occasion. Have someone take pictures so your sister will have a memento.

kiddodarling · July 2013

Is she on any medication? Maybe you could have her doctor prescribe her something so she could endure the plane ride? When my sister has to travel we give her an extra dose of one of her meds.

On a side note: Is it ok to call people retarded? My sister has severe autism and growing up my mom told us to never use the word retarded. So now whenever someone uses it I'm probably the biggest B in the world to them haha I'm also pretty snarky when people stare at her in public.

hlvonb · July 2013

I would talk to your parents about how they think she would handle the travel (if you havent already) also I like kiddodarling's idea about having a doctor prescribe something if possible. I personally would do what I could to have my sister there with my on my wedding day but only you know what's best for you and your sister. Best of luck with the decision.

wittykitty14 · July 2013

My sister has something that is comparable to down syndrome. She is not in the WP, even though I love her dearly. The reason she won't be standing up there is because she isn't able to grasp what the wedding is. As far as I know, she doesn't have an idea of what marriage is. All she knows is that my FI is someone who's in her life now, and is most closely associated with me. The only thing she'll understand about the ceremony is that since it's a Catholic mass, she'll feel like she's just attending church-which she loves. It's hard to think that she won't be in the WP, but my family knows it's for the best. She'll be ushered in with the parents and grandparents though. She'll get to have her own entrance, with my brother walking her to her seat. I feel like that's the best way to include her and show how important she is to me.

What do your parents think? Most importantly, have you talked to your sister? Everyone has different levels of functioning, so I'm not sure if talking to her about this is an option. It wasn't with my sister, and it may be the same for you too. Definitely talk to your parents, not just about her role in the wedding, but about traveling. I'd be heartbroken if my sister couldn't come to my wedding. My sister struggles with travel a bit as well. She doesn't like being confined, so airplanes are sometimes a challenge for her. But she handles it pretty well, as long as we're prepared and have things for her to do. Distraction is the key for us when we travel. Last time she was on a plane, my mom downloaded a couple moves on her kindle that my sister could watch. It actually worked pretty well. But then again, every person is different. What works for my sister may not work for yours. Talk to your family about your options. For us, medication is NOT something we will consider for my sister (unless a doctor says it's medically necessary of course). We don't want to put her body through that, especially because she won't understand it. But that's just what my family has chosen to do.

I wish you the best of luck, OP! My sister has traveled a lot, so if you'd like any more ideas on what's worked for her, let me know! I hope this works out for you!

ETA: @kiddodarling, I hate it when people say retarded, mostly because most people that say it use the word incorrectly. When people say "that's so retarded!", it's a HUGE button for me. I don't think anything gets my blood boiling faster. These days, no one uses the word properly anymore, so I've never said it. Besides, it's often not correct to say that. With my sister, mental retardation is a symptom of the actual condition, which is a chromosomal defect. So I avoid use of the word entirely. But yeah, I get really on edge when people use the word incorrectly, and I hate it when people stare. What drove me up the wall is when we were in the same school, and kids my age would laugh at the special ed class when they were right there. I turned into a MASSIVE bitch and did not hesitate to call them out on it. Then again, I've been defending my sister and calling people out on it since I could talk, no lie. Everyone needs an advocate, right?

hockey20 · July 2013

kiddodarling said:

Is she on any medication? Maybe you could have her doctor prescribe her something so she could endure the plane ride? When my sister has to travel we give her an extra dose of one of her meds.

On a side note: Is it ok to call people retarded? My sister has severe autism and growing up my mom told us to never use the word retarded. So now whenever someone uses it I'm probably the biggest B in the world to them haha I'm also pretty snarky when people stare at her in public.

No. It is never okay to call people retarded. My fiancé works with people who have developmental disabilities, and that's what it's called, a developmental disability. My old manager used to call random employees retarded (he thought it was funny), between my supervisor and myself we managed to tell him off and tell him that that's not the correct terminology anyway. You are absolutely right to put people in their place.

Back to the OP. If you are set on having your sister in your wedding than you may want to reconsider location so that she can be there with as little stress being put on her as possible. If you are set on your current location than I'd sit down with your sister and her guardian and explain to her that you truly want her there for your special day but you don't want to create undue stress. I'd then have a part afterwards and make sure she's included in that.

kiddodarling · July 2013

hockey20 said:

kiddodarling said:

Is she on any medication? Maybe you could have her doctor prescribe her something so she could endure the plane ride? When my sister has to travel we give her an extra dose of one of her meds.

On a side note: Is it ok to call people retarded? My sister has severe autism and growing up my mom told us to never use the word retarded. So now whenever someone uses it I'm probably the biggest B in the world to them haha I'm also pretty snarky when people stare at her in public.

No. It is never okay to call people retarded. My fiancé works with people who have developmental disabilities, and that's what it's called, a developmental disability. My old manager used to call random employees retarded (he thought it was funny), between my supervisor and myself we managed to tell him off and tell him that that's not the correct terminology anyway. You are absolutely right to put people in their place.
Back to the OP. If you are set on having your sister in your wedding than you may want to reconsider location so that she can be there with as little stress being put on her as possible. If you are set on your current location than I'd sit down with your sister and her guardian and explain to her that you truly want her there for your special day but you don't want to create undue stress. I'd then have a part afterwards and make sure she's included in that.

I completely agree. I understand the guests are mostly in the area where the wedding is going to be at, but I would have done the wedding where my sister could attend. And then done another party in VA. To me my family's attendance, especially my sisters, would be more important than anyone else's.

It sounds like you love your sister a lot. I mean you call her your angel on earth, but you should have factored in her issues when you were originally planning your wedding.

saric83 · July 2013

I know this wouldn't help with the stress of change, but in terms of comfortably traveling, is there any way you and your parents could drive with her in a motor home where she would be able to move around, sleep, eat, whatever she wants/needs? Good luck making the decision!

Ajuliana · July 2013

Retarded might not be the nicest word, but I don't think OP should be chastised for using it to try and describe the mental limitations of her beloved sibling to strangers who may not otherwise know just how limited she is. It's not exactly empowering, but she isn't demeaning her with the word.

Gypsy79 · July 2013

I think if it were me, I'd reconsider the wedding location. If there were anyone living that I couldn't imagine NOT being at my wedding to the point of being sick over it and that person couldn't travel well, I simply wouldn't have a wedding without them there, and would probably have a scaled-down (cheaper) wedding if that person's location were more expensive. And if some guests weren't able to make it because of that, I'd surely hope they understood my position. If they did not, I might reconsider how much their relationship means to me.
This is a button-presser for me as my son is on the spectrum (albeit high-functioning).

kmmssg · July 2013

Alaynajuliana said:

Retarded might not be the nicest word, but I don't think OP should be chastised for using it to try and describe the mental limitations of her beloved sibling to strangers who may not otherwise know just how limited she is. It's not exactly empowering, but she isn't demeaning her with the word.

Yeah, OP definitely shows her absolute love and loyalty to her sister. I don't think she needs to be chastised here. She is dedicated to her sister, let's stay on topic.

AllieBear725 · July 2013

I'm going to be honest with you. It sounds like you're using the venue as an excuse to not have your sister in your wedding. I feel like you're overcompensating with your kind words of her. If you truly want your sister to be a part of the wedding you would do whatever it takes to have her there. Ask your parents if there is any way for her to road trip to your location. I also agree with talking to her doctor about medicine that will help allow her to travel. If I were in your situation my sister would be at my wedding no matter what the cost.

PrettyGirlLost · July 2013

HoorayForSoup said:

Ikifighter said:

I'll try to keep to the point... My only sister, who is 4 yrs. older than I, is naturally to be my maid-of-honor, however......my sister is autistic/severely mentally retarded. She's low functioning, but no one underestimates her intelligence or comprehension of what goes on around her. She's is fully ambulatory (no wheel chair ever), but she's very "on-the -go". Doesn't , especially stand still long. ALSO, we live in Adam Diego, CA, but our wedding is going to be in Virginia Beach, VA. So, if we got her to the other side of the country, flying would be out of the question die to her inability to stay seated for long. The last time my sister traveled , she has about 5 yrs. old. She is now 34....I'm immensely torn, and unable to make a decision...while I want my one and only beautiful, loving sister there on my special day, at the same token, I don't want to be greedy and have her stress out with change/travel . Every time I have the thought of her not being there with me, or not being in our photos, I choke up, and just want to move on, and avoid the situation, but I know I have to make a decision, very soon too. My sister is my Angel on earth and was a huge influence to who I am, and I why an, the way I am. I don't know anyone who can relate to my situation,so I haven't received much input, other than honoring her somehow, but I don't know what could honor her more than having her there up at the altar with me...our wedding is next May (2014).... The reason why we are having our wedding on the other side of the country is because my fiancé is from VA, PLUS 95% of our guests are on either on the east coast, or in Europe. Plus it's waaaaay cheaper to do things on the east coast than here in CA. =( Such a dilemma...help, please? I always feared that something like this would happen when my time to get married would come. Now it has.... So if the suggestion is to honor her honor her, how? Thank you.

This is an aside, but as someone who worked in the field, this doesn't make sense. Mental retardation refers specifically to intellect deficits. "Severe mental retardation" is a specific term that describes individuals whose developmental disabilities are advanced to the degree where motor, speech and sensory defects are often present.

I'm just pointing that out because I find it strage that someone with an autistic sibling wouldn't know the difference between autism and MR. If your sister is intelligent enough where "no one underestimates her intelligence or comprehension of what goes on around her," then she is definitely not severely mentally retarded.

Also to the people who claimed that "retarded" is necessarily a pejorative term, I disagree. When used by a professional or loved one to describe a medical condition I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing. I've worked with special-ed teachers who use the term "mental retardation" they aren't being unkind, they're describing a condition.

Anyway OP to answer your question, I think whether or not your sister attends your wedding is something that is ultimately up to her care givers. Who manages her daily needs? Who would be responsible for getting her across the country. I'd leave this decision to them.

@Horrayforsoup, I agree with you on everything there.

To the bolded, I'm confused by this too. It doesn't sound like hte OP actually knows what her sister's diagnosis is.

I also agree with PP's who suggested having the ceremony and reception in CA so the sister can attend, then having another reception or party out in VA to accommodate people who cannot fly out to CA.

HisGirlFriday13 · July 2013

1. OP, mental retardation and autism aren't the same thing. At all. Your sister could be both, but they're not interchangeable.

2. If she's so important to you, you find a way to have her there. If that means having a smaller wedding in California, then you do that. You prioritise QUALITY of guests over QUANTITY of guests.

3. Your post reads like an excuse to exclude her. Just sayin'.

TKzilla · July 2013

OP I would suggest visiting with your sister's doctors if you are able. Ask them lots of questions about whether or not traveling that far is feasible for her, and if they have any tips on how to accomplish it. Having never met your sister, no one here can reasonably give you a lot of advice on how to achieve what you're asking.

For what it's worth, I think OP is trying to please everyone here and it might not be realistic. But I won't chastise her for using "retarded" to describe her sister with possibly severe mental delays. That's what that word used to mean before it got turned into some slang BS by teens. My uncle had CP his entire life, but was always described as "mentally retarded" by my grandmother.

kiddodarling · July 2013

Alaynajuliana said:

Retarded might not be the nicest word, but I don't think OP should be chastised for using it to try and describe the mental limitations of her beloved sibling to strangers who may not otherwise know just how limited she is. It's not exactly empowering, but she isn't demeaning her with the word.

kmmssg said:

Alaynajuliana said:

Retarded might not be the nicest word, but I don't think OP should be chastised for using it to try and describe the mental limitations of her beloved sibling to strangers who may not otherwise know just how limited she is. It's not exactly empowering, but she isn't demeaning her with the word.

Yeah, OP definitely shows her absolute love and loyalty to her sister. I don't think she needs to be chastised here. She is dedicated to her sister, let's stay on topic.

I don't think I'm chastising her at all by asking that question. I'm asking from one person who grew up with an autistic sister to another a question, and like others have pointed out some people use that term. From what I learned from my sisters teachers and therapists the word retarded is not something they would ever use to describe someone who is mentally handicapped, whether or not it's their diagnosis

lemclane said:

1. OP, mental retardation and autism aren't the same thing. At all. Your sister could be both, but they're not interchangeable. 2. If she's so important to you, you find a way to have her there. If that means having a smaller wedding in California, then you do that. You prioritise QUALITY of guests over QUANTITY of guests. 3. Your post reads like an excuse to exclude her. Just sayin'.

This! That's how I felt, but I didn't want to be the only one who thought it

KDM323 · July 2013

AllieBear725 said:

I'm going to be honest with you. It sounds like you're using the venue as an excuse to not have your sister in your wedding. I feel like you're overcompensating with your kind words of her. If you truly want your sister to be a part of the wedding you would do whatever it takes to have her there. Ask your parents if there is any way for her to road trip to your location. I also agree with talking to her doctor about medicine that will help allow her to travel. If I were in your situation my sister would be at my wedding no matter what the cost.

I agree.

If having your sister be a part of your wedding is important, then have your wedding in a location where she can be a part of it. Have a short ceremony with only your immediate friends and family so that it does not overwhelm her.

This is one of those situations where you have to choose what is most important to you and then live with the consequences of that choice. Either you want your sister to be a part of your wedding and stand there with you - or you want your wedding to be on the East Coast and attended by a larger number of family and friends.

I don't know as though there is a middle ground here. Sucks...but that might just be reality.

daria24 · July 2013

1. My cousin has been diagnosed as autistic as well as having mental retardation. It's possible it is the same for OP, I don't think people should jump to conclusions based on the wording on a forum post.

2. I also disagree that is about QUANTITY over QUALITY of guests. She's chosen a location that makes it easier for 95% over her guests. She is being accommodating to them. How is that wrong to want to make it easier/cheaper for the majority?

OP, would it be possible to do the plane travel with connecting flights instead of one long one? My cousin has flown from Philadelphia to St Louis and Philadelphia to Orlando and did OK. If you broke it up into shorter trips would it help? That way she can move around in the terminals?

Jen4948 · July 2013

If you end up having the wedding somewhere where your sister can't travel to, can you Skype or video stream it for your sister?

Angelface225 · July 2013

I have a sister with autism and metal retardation, it happens. It is a medical diagnosis, and the term is being used correctly in this case. Pop culture has turned it into an insult. OP, you may need to look at your priorities here. YOU want your sister there, but is it in her best interest? I work with people with severe autism, as well as knowing my sister her whole life. That type of travel would be extremely stressful on her and her caregivers (your parents?). Is it worth putting your family through that? My sister will be attending my wedding, but she is not in the wedding party as I feel those type of expectations are not fair for her. My ring bearer also has autism, but is much higher functioning and will be ok with some prep time.

MuppetOverlord · July 2013

Lots of conclusion jumping here.... I actually read OP as her sister being both autistic and mentally retarded, and that they understand what she is able to comprehend (rather than that she is fully aware). FMIL's best friend has a daughter who seems to fit the description of OP's sister. The family refers to her as low functioning autistic and "mentally retarded" (ETA, to clarify, she IS both, they are not interchangeable). I just googled to see the argument against the word and it seems that the terminology was changed because advocates disliked the connotation that had become associated with. I guess not everyone who was using the term got the memo or felt the need to change it.

Am I correct in thinking that the wedding itself only has meaning to you and not her?

If so, I think it is okay for her not to be at your wedding party or in your wedding. The position won't be affecting your relationship or love for her. I thought it was a nice suggestion to have a special moment with her at home.

Redbride801 · July 2013

kiddodarling said:

Is she on any medication? Maybe you could have her doctor prescribe her something so she could endure the plane ride? When my sister has to travel we give her an extra dose of one of her meds.

On a side note: Is it ok to call people retarded? My sister has severe autism and growing up my mom told us to never use the word retarded. So now whenever someone uses it I'm probably the biggest B in the world to them haha I'm also pretty snarky when people stare at her in public.

There's a difference between saying someone/something is "retarded" and a medical diagnosis of mental retardation. I think I'd rather say she has mental retardation than she's mentally retarded

libby2483 · July 2013

HoorayForSoup said:

Ikifighter said:

I'll try to keep to the point... My only sister, who is 4 yrs. older than I, is naturally to be my maid-of-honor, however......my sister is autistic/severely mentally retarded. She's low functioning, but no one underestimates her intelligence or comprehension of what goes on around her. She's is fully ambulatory (no wheel chair ever), but she's very "on-the -go". Doesn't , especially stand still long. ALSO, we live in Adam Diego, CA, but our wedding is going to be in Virginia Beach, VA. So, if we got her to the other side of the country, flying would be out of the question die to her inability to stay seated for long. The last time my sister traveled , she has about 5 yrs. old. She is now 34....I'm immensely torn, and unable to make a decision...while I want my one and only beautiful, loving sister there on my special day, at the same token, I don't want to be greedy and have her stress out with change/travel . Every time I have the thought of her not being there with me, or not being in our photos, I choke up, and just want to move on, and avoid the situation, but I know I have to make a decision, very soon too. My sister is my Angel on earth and was a huge influence to who I am, and I why an, the way I am. I don't know anyone who can relate to my situation,so I haven't received much input, other than honoring her somehow, but I don't know what could honor her more than having her there up at the altar with me...our wedding is next May (2014).... The reason why we are having our wedding on the other side of the country is because my fiancé is from VA, PLUS 95% of our guests are on either on the east coast, or in Europe. Plus it's waaaaay cheaper to do things on the east coast than here in CA. =( Such a dilemma...help, please? I always feared that something like this would happen when my time to get married would come. Now it has.... So if the suggestion is to honor her honor her, how? Thank you.

This is an aside, but as someone who worked in the field, this doesn't make sense. Mental retardation refers specifically to intellect deficits. "Severe mental retardation" is a specific term that describes individuals whose developmental disabilities are advanced to the degree where motor, speech and sensory defects are often present.

I'm just pointing that out because I find it strage that someone with an autistic sibling wouldn't know the difference between autism and MR. If your sister is intelligent enough where "no one underestimates her intelligence or comprehension of what goes on around her," then she is definitely not severely mentally retarded.

Also to the people who claimed that "retarded" is necessarily a pejorative term, I disagree. When used by a professional or loved one to describe a medical condition I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing. I've worked with special-ed teachers who use the term "mental retardation" they aren't being unkind, they're describing a condition.

Anyway OP to answer your question, I think whether or not your sister attends your wedding is something that is ultimately up to her care givers. Who manages her daily needs? Who would be responsible for getting her across the country. I'd leave this decision to them.

Pretend I said all of these things.

MobKaz · July 2013

MuppetOverlord said:

Lots of conclusion jumping here.... I actually read OP as her sister being both autistic and mentally retarded, and that they understand what she is able to comprehend (rather than that she is fully aware). FMIL's best friend has a daughter who seems to fit the description of OP's sister. The family refers to her as low functioning autistic and "mentally retarded" (ETA, to clarify, she IS both, they are not interchangeable). I just googled to see the argument against the word and it seems that the terminology was changed because advocates disliked the connotation that had become associated with. I guess not everyone who was using the term got the memo or felt the need to change it.

Am I correct in thinking that the wedding itself only has meaning to you and not her?

If so, I think it is okay for her not to be at your wedding party or in your wedding. The position won't be affecting your relationship or love for her. I thought it was a nice suggestion to have a special moment with her at home.

I could write novels here regarding terminology, diagnosis, and political correctness. I have worked in the field of special education for 35 years and have seen, read, and heard it all. I have viewed the field, and the population, from an educator as well as parent perspective.

lkifighter, it sounds to me as if you are struggling with guilt more than anything else. I know many families who have fought this battle. MuppetOverlord has highlighted the issue clearly; you will be aware of your sister's absence, but it is unlikely that she will have any sense of loss if she does not attend. I think if you need to take such extremes such as medicate her, or disrupt her routine to the point it causes her undue stress and anxiety, then there seems to be no good "end to the means". Your heart is in the right place. Don't allow a sense of guilt to override common sense and safety for your sister. In this case it truly could do more harm than good attempting to have your sister attend the wedding.

kiddodarling · July 2013

mobkaz said:

MuppetOverlord said:

Lots of conclusion jumping here.... I actually read OP as her sister being both autistic and mentally retarded, and that they understand what she is able to comprehend (rather than that she is fully aware). FMIL's best friend has a daughter who seems to fit the description of OP's sister. The family refers to her as low functioning autistic and "mentally retarded" (ETA, to clarify, she IS both, they are not interchangeable). I just googled to see the argument against the word and it seems that the terminology was changed because advocates disliked the connotation that had become associated with. I guess not everyone who was using the term got the memo or felt the need to change it.

Am I correct in thinking that the wedding itself only has meaning to you and not her?

If so, I think it is okay for her not to be at your wedding party or in your wedding. The position won't be affecting your relationship or love for her. I thought it was a nice suggestion to have a special moment with her at home.

I could write novels here regarding terminology, diagnosis, and political correctness. I have worked in the field of special education for 35 years and have seen, read, and heard it all. I have viewed the field, and the population, from an educator as well as parent perspective.

lkifighter, it sounds to me as if you are struggling with guilt more than anything else. I know many families who have fought this battle. MuppetOverlord has highlighted the issue clearly; you will be aware of your sister's absence, but it is unlikely that she will have any sense of loss if she does not attend. I think if you need to take such extremes such as medicate her, or disrupt her routine to the point it causes her undue stress and anxiety, then there seems to be no good "end to the means". Your heart is in the right place. Don't allow a sense of guilt to override common sense and safety for your sister. In this case it truly could do more harm than good attempting to have your sister attend the wedding.

So to the first bolded part: It is true that most individuals with autism or who are mentally challenged would not have a sense of loss by not attending their siblings wedding. However, does that make it ok to exclude them? Or even think well she won't know what she's missing so it doesn't matter. NO that is massively not ok.

To the second bolded part: medication is not extreme if she's already on medication.

To the third: She only has guilt because her heart doesn't seem to be in the right place. If it was, her sister would have been a priority from the beginning. However, I agree that her sister's safety should come first, and thats why the wedding should be in CA.

If it means having a cheaper wedding and less guests, but the family you love will be there and you're marrying the love of your life, thats all that matters. I wouldn't have been able to marry my husband without my sister around, because to me she is probably the most important person on earth. She didn't understand what was happening, she probably thought why are we going to church on saturday when I could be napping? Having her there with me for the ceremony, the pictures and the reception meant more to me than any one else's presence.

MobKaz · July 2013

@kiddodarling, this is a very personal and emotionally based topic. Additionally, there are a multitude of tangent topics that are equally charged with emotion.

Although the word "exclude" is appropriate, it is not the reality in its strictest sense. Tough choices and exceptions need to be made in life. We all will have situations where by necessity or choice we, or others we love, may miss out on events. We will have to agree to disagree on whether its OK to hold an event where not every one we want is able to, can, or should attend. There are a multitude of scenarios on these boards involving questions and decisions as to whom should attend any given event. There is no ONE right or wrong answer for everyone.

If a person is medicated for daily living skills, that does not mean that additional or stronger medications should be used simply to "get through" a situation. To say that it is fine or easy to add prescriptions to an already medicated person simply does not make sense. I take some medications on a daily basis. It certainly does not mean I should or want to take some random anti anxiety or tranquilizing medication just for a weekend event.

I don't think any of us are in a position to assess or evaluate the OP's guilt.

@MariePoppy had compassionate, sensible advice, OP.

kiddodarling · July 2013

@mobkaz

True there is no one wrong or right answer to every situation. However, in this one it seems rather black and white. Either you love your sister enough to, like you said, make a tough choice in life and make sure she's at your wedding or you decide she's not going to make it because you didn't keep her limitations in mind for your wedding. I just find it offensive to exclude OP sister and then to say something so dismissive as she won't know what she's missing. I had a friend tell me that when I asked why she invited everyone in my family except my sister to her wedding. Needless to say I have never spoken to her since.

Many people are prescribed medication to "get through" a situation. Half of my friends need anti-anxiety medicines when they fly. I would never suggest anyone to use a tranquilizing medication. In my original response I asked if she was on any meds because most autistic individuals need medicine for their ocd and anxiety. I never implied to use drugs for the entire weekend, only traveling is the issue. My sister can go on road trips just fine, but when it comes to planes she gets extremely nervous, so the one time we took her on one her psychiatrist suggested giving her an extra dose of her anti-anxiety to help. That's what made me think of asking my questions in my original response.

You are right, I should probably not judge her level of guilt.

MairePoppy · July 2013

@mobkaz - I loved your response. It's not as easy as some people think to pop an extra pill, especially anti-anxiety or other psychiatric meds. My son's doctor tweaked his meds once and he ended up in the emergency room with some scary, psychotic symptoms. Definitely wouldn't want that to happen on a plane or in an unfamiliar place. That was the scariest week of my life.

MairePoppy · July 2013

@kiddodarling - I'm going to respectfully disagree.

My MIL has advanced dementia. She can't tolerate changes in her routine and has absolutely no short term memory. When my daughter asked if she should choose her dream wedding venue or pick a place close to the nursing home, I told her to pick her dream venue. Bringing Gram into an unfamiliar, noisy place, with a bunch of people she can't remember would surely result in a meltdown. And then she wouldn't remember the wedding five minutes after it happened. After the wedding she and her new husband brought their wedding album to the nursing home to spend some time alone with Gram. She enjoyed the attention she was getting and loved looking a the pictures. This decision was much harder on my daughter than it was on my MIL. But I have no doubt that we did the right thing.

@Ikifighter shouldn't feel guilty about having her wedding in VA, where most of the guests live. She obviously cares deeply about her sister and shouldn't have to sacrifice her wedding because her sister is disabled and can't travel. I think this is one of the very few times that I would think a second wedding, held in a comfortable environment for the sister, would be acceptable.

libby2483 · July 2013

kiddodarling said:

@mobkaz
True there is no one wrong or right answer to every situation. However, in this one it seems rather black and white. Either you love your sister enough to, like you said, make a tough choice in life and make sure she's at your wedding or you decide she's not going to make it because you didn't keep her limitations in mind for your wedding. I just find it offensive to exclude OP sister and then to say something so dismissive as she won't know what she's missing. I had a friend tell me that when I asked why she invited everyone in my family except my sister to her wedding. Needless to say I have never spoken to her since.
Many people are prescribed medication to "get through" a situation. Half of my friends need anti-anxiety medicines when they fly. I would never suggest anyone to use a tranquilizing medication. In my original response I asked if she was on any meds because most autistic individuals need medicine for their ocd and anxiety. I never implied to use drugs for the entire weekend, only traveling is the issue. My sister can go on road trips just fine, but when it comes to planes she gets extremely nervous, so the one time we took her on one her psychiatrist suggested giving her an extra dose of her anti-anxiety to help. That's what made me think of asking my questions in my original response.
You are right, I should probably not judge her level of guilt.

I think this is a really unfair statement. One reason the OP is considering having her wedding on the East Coast is that is where 95 percent of her FI's family is from. If the wedding is held in CA, there may be large numbers of her FI's close family members who cannot attend. The OP needs to carefully weigh which is the most important to her. However, to suggest that if she has her wedding on the East Coast, it means that she doesn't love her sister enough, is just silly.

Grabows14 · July 2013

IMO you should have something private with your family in California, and not take your sister. Forcing her to travel when she is not used to it, and then medicating her for the trip seems to me like her well being is not the most important thing. If you are sure it is ok to medicate and travel, then that's a different story. However, it is your family, so you should discuss with them how you feel. Maybe your parents really want to take her, maybe they feel she is safer at home. If she does stay at home, do you have someone you trust to take care of her?

Autistic/mentally retarded sister....

Re: Autistic/mentally retarded sister....

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