1st post re: cousins and their SO's

NYCBruin · July 2013

AroundTheBlock said:

NYCBruin said:

I'm really confused. I've never heard this. Do you also send separate invitations to married couples since they are both invited?

If they have separate addresses, you do.

I find this odd. Honestly, I would be somewhat offended if I wasn't invited on the same invitation as FI. It would feel like the couple didn't view us as a couple/didn't respect our relationship.

kipnus · July 2013

Ajuliana said:

You know someone is sophisticated when they spell behavior with a "u".

Or Canadian, British, Australian, South African...

AroundTheBlock · July 2013

CarolinaHeart said:

@AroundTheBlock You spent (or are going to spend) waaaaaaay too much on invitations. lol

Not really. Heavy plain white paper with simple black script -- no embossing, no extraneous inserts, no novel coloured process printing -- if you stick to classics with the material paraphernalia like invitations, you can afford to be courteous. Non-cohabiting couples are a minority among my acquaintances anyway, but even if they were not I wouldn't use a formal invitation to send a guest the unkind message that I do not want them there except as someone else's escort.

HisGirlFriday13 · July 2013

AroundTheBlock said:

That is exactly what I am saying. "SOs" and "dates" are people, not accessories to be worn on someone else's arm. If they come to your wedding, they are your guests, and they should be treated as guests: you do not get to have first-class guests, and second-class guests-of-guests that you welcome only distally. Sophisticated social behaviour goes beyond just planning weddings, and includes actually getting to know the people who are important to the other people in your life. So yes, you learn their name and address, and you invite them just as you would any other first-class guest.

Whatever you're smoking, I want some. Please.

I'm all for not treating guests as second-class guests, I really am. But I assure you, if I sent invitations to my friends' SOs, a goodly chunk of them would look at it and said, "Who in the ever-lovin' HELL is this crazy chick and why did she invite me to her wedding?" One of my friends is on her third BF since FI and I got engaged. I have resigned myself to the fact that the name on the STDate won't match the name on the invite (probably) won't match the name on the escort card.

My friends' SOs wouldn't recognise my name, or FI's name and they'd wonder WTH they'd gotten an invite. As it is, I'm putting my friends' SOs on my friends' invites, and my friends are responsible for RSVP'ing for them.

NYCBruin · July 2013

AroundTheBlock said:

CarolinaHeart said:

@AroundTheBlock You spent (or are going to spend) waaaaaaay too much on invitations. lol

Not really. Heavy plain white paper with simple black script -- no embossing, no extraneous inserts, no novel coloured process printing -- if you stick to classics with the material paraphernalia like invitations, you can afford to be courteous. Non-cohabiting couples are a minority among my acquaintances anyway, but even if they were not I wouldn't use a formal invitation to send a guest the unkind message that I do not want them there except as someone else's escort.

Yeah, see I would get the message that you didn't think we were a "real" couple if you sent us separate invitations.

AddieCake · July 2013

Hahahahahahahaha!

CarolinaHeart · July 2013

AroundTheBlock said:

CarolinaHeart said:

@AroundTheBlock You spent (or are going to spend) waaaaaaay too much on invitations. lol

Not really. Heavy plain white paper with simple black script -- no embossing, no extraneous inserts, no novel coloured process printing -- if you stick to classics with the material paraphernalia like invitations, you can afford to be courteous. Non-cohabiting couples are a minority among my acquaintances anyway, but even if they were not I wouldn't use a formal invitation to send a guest the unkind message that I do not want them there except as someone else's escort.

I don't care how much you spent. It was way more than was necessary.

If you spent $500, you could have only spent $250 by not sending extras. Likewise, if you spent $20, you could have spent $10.

Also, like PPs have said, if FI and I got separate invitations to a wedding I would be offended.

Not that this has ever happened...

Because no one does this...

Because it's a crazy idea...

Peledreamsofrain · July 2013

Aroundtheblock= paper company employee who needs a raise.

Ajuliana · July 2013

kipnus said:

Ajuliana said:

You know someone is sophisticated when they spell behavior with a "u".

Or Canadian, British, Australian, South African...

I was playing off of the recent surge in posters typing in excessively proper form, including CMGR talking about grandmother's preferences. I have read enough classic literature to know this, next time I'll add a disclaimer. Either way...that girl is WRONG!

Ajuliana · July 2013

NYCBruin said:

AroundTheBlock said:

CarolinaHeart said:

@AroundTheBlock You spent (or are going to spend) waaaaaaay too much on invitations. lol

Not really. Heavy plain white paper with simple black script -- no embossing, no extraneous inserts, no novel coloured process printing -- if you stick to classics with the material paraphernalia like invitations, you can afford to be courteous. Non-cohabiting couples are a minority among my acquaintances anyway, but even if they were not I wouldn't use a formal invitation to send a guest the unkind message that I do not want them there except as someone else's escort.

Yeah, see I would get the message that you didn't think we were a "real" couple if you sent us separate invitations.

Well, if you're not cohabitating, you're obviously not having sex, in which case you are only friends anyway. Friends don't need a plus one.

*Also a reference to a previous thread.

ashleyep · July 2013

Peledreamsofrain said:

Aroundtheblock= paper company employee who needs a raise.

For what it's worth, and I know how everyone here feels about Emily Post, but this is what her website says, sort of. It really only says you need to invite married/engaged/living together couples by both names, but that it's a nice gesture to find out your guests name to send them an invite as well. The way I read it, it sounded like you should send them a separate invite.

But that just seems weird to me. There should only be one RSVP. In the case of a number of couples I'm inviting, they really only are there as the date of one of my guests. I've never even met them, which should I send them their own invite.

At least you're putting their name on it. A bride told me once that she put "And guest" for anyone not married, engaged, or living together, since she's not inviting the SO as anything other than a date of the guest. I told her I wasn't inviting her husband as anything other than her date to my wedding but that doesn't mean I would address her invite that way.

crunchymamaof2 · July 2013

ashleyep said:

Peledreamsofrain said:

Aroundtheblock= paper company employee who needs a raise.

For what it's worth, and I know how everyone here feels about Emily Post, but this is what her website says, sort of. It really only says you need to invite married/engaged/living together couples by both names, but that it's a nice gesture to find out your guests name to send them an invite as well. The way I read it, it sounded like you should send them a separate invite.

The same advice was also given in the current issue of Bridal Guide. Neither sources are reputable (someone here said anything written by "Emily post" in the past 15-20 years wasn't accurate) and frankly, this is one of the weirdest pieces of advice I've ever heard. Why on earth would a couple get two separate invites? Seriously, 2 people on 1 invite = 2nd class guest? And how would you go about determining which was the 2nd class citizen since both names would be written on the invite? It just doesn't make any sense. Seriously AroundtheBlock, I think you've been running around the wrong block. Run back to reality sometime.

AddieCake · July 2013

Ditto Stage on the plus one vs. SO terminology. If people would stop using those interchangeably, it would make things so much clearer for people.

kmmssg · July 2013

I'm going back to the teenage SO thing. our policy on the girls' weddings has been if you are still in high school you are not getting a date. When you are in high school you can attend our family wedding as a member of your family. I know we are going to have a wedding in the next year or so-ish and the teenaged cousins are NOT getting dates unless they are 18 and/or graduated. Sorry, I just think the date thing is for adults and if you are still in school you can attend a function with your family away from Sugar Lips for one night.

32daisies · July 2013

I have two teenaged cousins I'm very fond of, and I'm happy to have them bring dates... but the important thing was that I made that decision outside of whether they had SOs or not, because otherwise it would have been a mishmash. Both were in relationships when I got engaged. One broke up a few months later and is still single; she's now planning on bringing a friend. The other broke up and has a new boyfriend, but isn't sure he'll be around in a few months either, so she might bring him, or someone else.

My point is, from the get-go I wanted them to have plus-ones. If that ends up being a SO instead, that's okay, but if just a guest, that's fine too. Because who knows. IMHO teenaged relationships tend to come and go faster, in some cases, and if I'd been relying on *that* for my decision, what a nightmare. Can you imagine? "Cousin, I know you just got dumped and are heartbroken. By the way, now that you're not in a relationship, come alone to my wedding, okay?" Ugh, I wouldn't do that to the poor kids. Just my $0.02.

dufferoo · July 2013

acove2006 said:

ashleyep said:

Peledreamsofrain said:

Aroundtheblock= paper company employee who needs a raise.

For what it's worth, and I know how everyone here feels about Emily Post, but this is what her website says, sort of. It really only says you need to invite married/engaged/living together couples by both names, but that it's a nice gesture to find out your guests name to send them an invite as well. The way I read it, it sounded like you should send them a separate invite.

The same advice was also given in the current issue of Bridal Guide. Neither sources are reputable (someone here said anything written by "Emily post" in the past 15-20 years wasn't accurate) and frankly, this is one of the weirdest pieces of advice I've ever heard. Why on earth would a couple get two separate invites? Seriously, 2 people on 1 invite = 2nd class guest? And how would you go about determining which was the 2nd class citizen since both names would be written on the invite? It just doesn't make any sense. Seriously AroundtheBlock, I think you've been running around the wrong block. Run back to reality sometime.

Creepin over from the bump, but just wanted to let you guys know that Miss Manners gives the same advice: "If the hosts are feeling generous, they can ask their unattached guests if there is someone they would like to bring, extract that person's name, and use it to issue another invitation." (From her Guide to Surprisingly Dignified Weddings, pg 152.) But I suppose you guys know a lot more about etiquette than her too.

NYCBruin · July 2013

KindaSparkly said:

Issue an invitation for a person doesn't necessarily mean mail them a paper invitation of their own. It means write their name on their SO's invitation and include them that way. When my H received an invitation to his co-worker's wedding back before we lived together, they extended an invitation to me by writing my name on the envelope, not mailing me my own.

Exactly. A wedding invitation isn't like a ticket to event. Everyone doesn't need their own individual/personalized one.

dufferoo · July 2013

KindaSparkly said:

acove2006 said:

ashleyep said:

Peledreamsofrain said:

Aroundtheblock= paper company employee who needs a raise.

For what it's worth, and I know how everyone here feels about Emily Post, but this is what her website says, sort of. It really only says you need to invite married/engaged/living together couples by both names, but that it's a nice gesture to find out your guests name to send them an invite as well. The way I read it, it sounded like you should send them a separate invite.

The same advice was also given in the current issue of Bridal Guide. Neither sources are reputable (someone here said anything written by "Emily post" in the past 15-20 years wasn't accurate) and frankly, this is one of the weirdest pieces of advice I've ever heard. Why on earth would a couple get two separate invites? Seriously, 2 people on 1 invite = 2nd class guest? And how would you go about determining which was the 2nd class citizen since both names would be written on the invite? It just doesn't make any sense. Seriously AroundtheBlock, I think you've been running around the wrong block. Run back to reality sometime.

Creepin over from the bump, but just wanted to let you guys know that Miss Manners gives the same advice: "If the hosts are feeling generous, they can ask their unattached guests if there is someone they would like to bring, extract that person's name, and use it to issue another invitation." (From her Guide to Surprisingly Dignified Weddings, pg 152.) But I suppose you guys know a lot more about etiquette than her too.

Issue an invitation for a person doesn't necessarily mean mail them a paper invitation of their own. It means write their name on their SO's invitation and include them that way. When my H received an invitation to his co-worker's wedding back before we lived together, they extended an invitation to me by writing my name on the envelope, not mailing me my own.

Ok, here she's a little more explicit: "The tactful thing, if you really want to be so liberal as to permit unknown guests, is to say, 'Dora, I know you've been seeing someone; would you like to bring him? Just give me his name and address, and I'll send him an invitation.'" (From her Guide for the Turn-of-the-Millenium, pg. 607) See? Aroundtheblock was right and a lot of you guys attacked her hardcore.

Ajuliana · July 2013

Dude you have too much time on your hands. Around theknot block, we issue etiquette advice that is tried, true, sensible, and not from miss mamners who just like emily posts advice is NOT from the original, actually knowledgeable deceased author.

dufferoo · July 2013

Ajuliana said:

Dude you have too much time on your hands. Around theknot block, we issue etiquette advice that is tried, true, sensible, and not from miss mamners who just like emily posts advice is NOT from the original, actually knowledgeable deceased author.

Judith Martin, aka Miss Manners, isn't dead like Emily Post. She still writes her own books and her etiquette expertise is pretty tried and true as well

CarolinaHeart · July 2013

jociejones said:

KindaSparkly said:

acove2006 said:

ashleyep said:

Peledreamsofrain said:

Aroundtheblock= paper company employee who needs a raise.

For what it's worth, and I know how everyone here feels about Emily Post, but this is what her website says, sort of. It really only says you need to invite married/engaged/living together couples by both names, but that it's a nice gesture to find out your guests name to send them an invite as well. The way I read it, it sounded like you should send them a separate invite.

The same advice was also given in the current issue of Bridal Guide. Neither sources are reputable (someone here said anything written by "Emily post" in the past 15-20 years wasn't accurate) and frankly, this is one of the weirdest pieces of advice I've ever heard. Why on earth would a couple get two separate invites? Seriously, 2 people on 1 invite = 2nd class guest? And how would you go about determining which was the 2nd class citizen since both names would be written on the invite? It just doesn't make any sense. Seriously AroundtheBlock, I think you've been running around the wrong block. Run back to reality sometime.

Creepin over from the bump, but just wanted to let you guys know that Miss Manners gives the same advice: "If the hosts are feeling generous, they can ask their unattached guests if there is someone they would like to bring, extract that person's name, and use it to issue another invitation." (From her Guide to Surprisingly Dignified Weddings, pg 152.) But I suppose you guys know a lot more about etiquette than her too.

Issue an invitation for a person doesn't necessarily mean mail them a paper invitation of their own. It means write their name on their SO's invitation and include them that way. When my H received an invitation to his co-worker's wedding back before we lived together, they extended an invitation to me by writing my name on the envelope, not mailing me my own.

Ok, here she's a little more explicit: "The tactful thing, if you really want to be so liberal as to permit unknown guests, is to say, 'Dora, I know you've been seeing someone; would you like to bring him? Just give me his name and address, and I'll send him an invitation.'" (From her Guide for the Turn-of-the-Millenium, pg. 607) See? Aroundtheblock was right and a lot of you guys attacked her hardcore.

Lol. I've noticed a lot of people around here have a very loose grasp on what an "attack" is.

libby2483 · July 2013

Ajuliana said:
Dude you have too much time on your hands. Around theknot block, we issue etiquette advice that is tried, true, sensible, and not from miss mamners who just like emily posts advice is NOT from the original, actually knowledgeable deceased author.

This actually isn't the case. Miss Manners is alive and writing her own books. In addition, she is the etiquette expert that most Knotties, including myself, recommend to brides looking for proper advice.

PrettyGirlLost · July 2013

libby2483 said:

Ajuliana said:
Dude you have too much time on your hands. Around theknot block, we issue etiquette advice that is tried, true, sensible, and not from miss mamners who just like emily posts advice is NOT from the original, actually knowledgeable deceased author.
This actually isn't the case. Miss Manners is alive and writing her own books. In addition, she is the etiquette expert that most Knotties, including myself, recommend to brides looking for proper advice.

Well she seems off base on this one, I mean beyond etiquette its common sense. If you don't have an actual relationship or have never met your guest's SO, you find out their name and include it on your guest's invite. You don't send a random person an invitation to your wedding.

1, because they are gonna be WTF? Who is this random person and how did they get my address?

2, if your guest and this SO break up, you wouldn't want that person at your wedding. . .how awkward for your guest!

All these advice gurus are minions for the wedding industry, and any advice they give that requires you to shell out more money is suspect.

cheapbrideincentpa · July 2013

I totally disagree. 1 invite per house and you only NEED to invite married couples. That's what I am planning on doing anyway.

NYCBruin · July 2013

cheapbrideincentpa said:

I totally disagree. 1 invite per house and you only NEED to invite married couples. That's what I am planning on doing anyway.

Do you realize that under your rule, you or your FI wouldn't be invited to your own wedding since you won't be married when you send out invitations?

cheapbrideincentpa · July 2013

NYCBruin said:

cheapbrideincentpa said:

I totally disagree. 1 invite per house and you only NEED to invite married couples. That's what I am planning on doing anyway.

Do you realize that under your rule, you or your FI wouldn't be invited to your own wedding since you won't be married when you send out invitations?

we will invite engaged couples. but no S/Os unless we are friends with/know both people. Thats just how his family operates- we have lived together for a few years and I have never been invited to a family wedding (and his invitations were always sent to his parents house as party of a family invite, despite not living there for 7 years). Honestly I never really cared, and take the opinion that you can't invite everyone. Bash away, but we feel 100% fine with our decision. I doubt any of our guests would care, and if they did they always have the option to decline. And I am certainly not sending a few invitations to the same household. We are in our 30's and have never heard of anyone doing that- it seems so wasteful.

crunchymamaof2 · July 2013

@cheapbrideincentralpa: It is not "wasteful" to send several invitations to the same household if the household contains members over the age of 18, it is good etiquette and upholding the practice of showing consideration and respect for your guests. Someone over the age of 18 is legally an adult and should be recognized as such. You may never have heard of the practice because your family and your FI's family lack familiarity with certain finer points of etiquette, but that does not make your approach either correct or acceptable. It simply highlights your ignorance of social graces. You two may do what you please with your guest list, but I guarantee you will be judged for your etiquette oversight by others, and likely not lightly. Simply because you were brought up to think this behavior is ok does not mean you do not know people who are aware of the correct etiquette and will be offended by your oversight.
can't type out of the box...but I agree with all this. And frankly @cheapbrideincentrapa you seem more concerned with doing things YOUR way instead of doing them the right way. If you truly cared about your guests and wanted them at your wedding wouldn't you do everything you could to make them comfortable and feeling welcome? Seems like you're more worried about wasting paper or being right then you are about people actually coming to your wedding.

AddieCake · July 2013

So many threads this week are driving me to drink.

libby2483 · July 2013

PrettyGirlLost said:

Dude you have too much time on your hands. Around theknot block, we issue etiquette advice that is tried, true, sensible, and not from miss mamners who just like emily posts advice is NOT from the original, actually knowledgeable deceased author.
This actually isn't the case. Miss Manners is alive and writing her own books. In addition, she is the etiquette expert that most Knotties, including myself, recommend to brides looking for proper advice.
Well she seems off base on this one, I mean beyond etiquette its common sense. If you don't have an actual relationship or have never met your guest's SO, you find out their name and include it on your guest's invite. You don't send a random person an invitation to your wedding. 1, because they are gonna be WTF? Who is this random person and how did they get my address? 2, if your guest and this SO break up, you wouldn't want that person at your wedding. . .how awkward for your guest! All these advice gurus are minions for the wedding industry, and any advice they give that requires you to shell out more money is suspect.

I totally agree, and for our wedding, we put SOs on the same invitation. In this case, I think that common sense should trump the advice of etiquette experts. I was just pointing out that Miss Manners is considered a reputable etiquette expert.

Viczaesar · July 2013

AddieL73 said:

So many threads this week are driving me to drink.

It's a win for the alcohol industry, at least?

1st post re: cousins and their SO's

Re: 1st post re: cousins and their SO's

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