Wedding Party Roles

[Deleted User] · July 2013

Hello all,
I am planning on having 4 good friends in my wedding (1 Matron, 1 Maid, 2 bridesmaids). I have a sister who is 12 years older than me and we are not extremely close, just okay. I am planning on asking her daughter to be my flower girl and her son to possibly walk me down the aisle (not sure on that yet). Although I would love for her to be in the wedding party and involved, I don't know if I want her to a bridesmaid. I was thinking of asking her to be Sister of the Bride and take on a similar role as the Mother of Bride. She can also maybe escort my mom down the aisle and carry a candle for my dad who passed away 3 months ago. I'm not sure if her feelings will be hurt that she isn't a maid or matron, and maybe that I'm creating an awkward role for her

Thoughts?

Jen4948 · July 2013

If you want her to be "involved," then ask her to be a bridesmaid or a reader. This "Sister of the Bride" role, especially where you want her to carry a candle for what is also her deceased father, doesn't make sense to me and if she was very close to your father could be very hurtful.

You don't have to have the same number of attendants on your side that your FI has on his side if that's the reason you want to do this.

[Deleted User] · July 2013

Why would it be hurtful to carry a candle for him?

itzMS · July 2013

jaragon007 said:

Why would it be hurtful to carry a candle for him?

@jaragon007, I would bawl my eyes out if someone asked me to carry and/or light an memorial candle for my dad.

You don't need to ask your sister to be in the wedding party.

Are you particularly close to your nephew? You definitely need to ask him if he is comfortable escorting you. It seems weird to me. How old is he...and why can't you have your mother and sister escort you?

[Deleted User] · July 2013

I am close to my niece (8), nephew (12) and older niece (18). They are the only kids in the family. I would like for them to all be involved somehow. I'm not sure about having him walk me down the aisle, I might just have my mom do it.

But in any case, I would like a candle to be lit, no matter how it gets transported

Jen4948 · July 2013

jaragon007 said:

I am close to my niece (8), nephew (12) and older niece (18). They are the only kids in the family. I would like for them to all be involved somehow. I'm not sure about having him walk me down the aisle, I might just have my mom do it.

But in any case, I would like a candle to be lit, no matter how it gets transported

This is not a good idea for a wedding, which is supposed to be a happy occasion, not Funeral Part II. There are more appropriate, less mournful ways to remember your father: Give him a tribute in a wedding program, wear or carry something he owned or was associated with him when he was alive (like cuff links, a handkerchief, etc.), or provide food, drink, decorations, or entertainment that he would have enjoyed. But no memory candles.

[Deleted User] · July 2013

Thanks for you opinion, but I like the idea of a candle

Jen4948 · July 2013

jaragon007 said:

Thanks for you opinion, but I like the idea of a candle

Sorry for your loss, but it's not just my opinion. I think you'll find that lots of other people feel the same way about "memorials" at weddings. Do you really want to evoke tears and grief on what is supposed to be a happy occasion? That's baiting and switching your guests, plus, it's unfair to your mother and sister as well as anyone else who isn't prepared for an in-your-face memorial gesture.

Edited to add: If you don't want "opinions" don't post on TheKnot or anywhere else on the Internet.

itzMS · July 2013

@jaragon007, I have to agree with @Jen4948 here.

My father (and all of DH & my grandparents) are deceased. We didn't do any outward memorials because we didn't want to be crying sad tears on our wedding day (or subject any unsuspecting guests to that).

Light a candle at your church with your FI privately prior to the ceremony beginning or at a weekend service before/after your wedding...but don't make an outward display of it for your guests.

Everyone knows you miss your father without you having to show it in a way that can make people sad.

[Deleted User] · July 2013

I understand that you have your preferences and so may others, but I don't feel like a lighting of a candle= an "in your face memorial". And I will be sure to ask my mom and sister what their thoughts are, and if they don't feel good about it, we can decided on another method.

And if the guests feel they are baited and switched, then I don't know what to tell them

[Deleted User] · July 2013

Thanks for your input all!

gothic_fairy60 · July 2013

I think the idea of a candle is wonderful. I have seen it at weddings before and am having one at my wedding. I have never seen one walked down the aisle, but that's your choice. I agree that it might make people sad during the ceremony. We plan on putting ours near the door and not calling eveyones attention to it, that way we still know that its there.

[Deleted User] · July 2013

I guess I was just trying to find something for my sister to do so that she can be involved without having the title of bridesmaid.

southernbelle0915 · July 2013

Jargon - I'm lighting a candle and putting on the guest book table along with a little framed sign that says "this candle burns for those who could not be with us on this special day." I'm not making it super prevalent or "in anyone's face" but I know it's there and that's what's important. Maybe consider something like that?

ETA I messed up the quote! Whoops!

[Deleted User] · July 2013

That might be something to consider, thanks!

Jen4948 · July 2013

If you want to have a candle somewhere that isn't carried down the aisle, I can agree with that. I just think that carrying one down the aisle or lighting one as an obvious "memorial" might be too lugubrious-especially for your sister, whose father was the deceased.

manateehugger · July 2013

I think when people aren't in the wedding party, the best ways to involve them are either as a reader or just as a guest. Get her flowers, sit in her in the front row, and take good pictures with her. Anything else feels like a made-up job.

I have to agree that marching a candle down the aisle would be very solemn for such a joyous event like a wedding.

daveANDkristen · July 2013

I think it's fine for you to light a candle for your father, but I would not make it part of the ceremony. I think you should light it and have it burning throughout the cermony if you like, but I don't personally like the idea of lighting a memorial candle as part of your ceremony. However, you are certainly free to do it if you want to. I would not consider the candle lighter to be all that "involved", kind of like being a guestbook or program attendant. If you want to involve your sister, I'd suggest asking her to do a reading (she could do a reading as well as light the candle).

[Deleted User] · July 2013

I like all the ideas. I really just wanted her involved without having her feelings hurt. She is not the makeup/hair done/foofy dress type. She's good at planning and organizing so I really wanted to create a role for her.

[Deleted User] · July 2013

Sorry if my replies are all wonky. I click "Reply" under each post but it doesn't stagger the way I've seen

[Deleted User] · July 2013

Sorry if my replies are all wonky. I click "Reply" under each post but it doesn't stagger the way I've seen

[Deleted User] · July 2013

Sorry if my replies are all wonky. I click "Reply" under each post but it doesn't stagger the way I've seen

manateehugger · July 2013

You have to hit quote if you want to see specific posts and reply to them (and have them stack). I think you just accidentally posted the same thing three times.

[Deleted User] · July 2013

PDKH said:

You have to hit quote if you want to see specific posts and reply to them (and have them stack). I think you just accidentally posted the same thing three times.

Sorry for the multiple posts!

[Deleted User] · July 2013

jaragon007 said:

PDKH said:

You have to hit quote if you want to see specific posts and reply to them (and have them stack). I think you just accidentally posted the same thing three times.

Sorry for the multiple posts!

Fail

I shall leave now

[Deleted User] · July 2013

jaragon007 said:

PDKH said:

You have to hit quote if you want to see specific posts and reply to them (and have them stack). I think you just accidentally posted the same thing three times.

Sorry for the multiple posts!

Fail

I shall leave now

[Deleted User] · July 2013

jaragon007 said:

PDKH said:

You have to hit quote if you want to see specific posts and reply to them (and have them stack). I think you just accidentally posted the same thing three times.

Sorry for the multiple posts!

Fail

I shall leave now

BMoreBride6 · July 2013

jaragon007 said:

Hello all,
I am planning on having 4 good friends in my wedding (1 Matron, 1 Maid, 2 bridesmaids). I have a sister who is 12 years older than me and we are not extremely close, just okay. I am planning on asking her daughter to be my flower girl and her son to possibly walk me down the aisle (not sure on that yet). Although I would love for her to be in the wedding party and involved, I don't know if I want her to a bridesmaid. I was thinking of asking her to be Sister of the Bride and take on a similar role as the Mother of Bride. She can also maybe escort my mom down the aisle and carry a candle for my dad who passed away 3 months ago. I'm not sure if her feelings will be hurt that she isn't a maid or matron, and maybe that I'm creating an awkward role for her

Thoughts?

First of all, she already is Sister of the Bride so I think calling that out would be a bit silly. Also, don't "create a role" for her because she is good at planning and organizing, that sounds like you are trying to use her for her services without wanting to honor her as a bridesmaid which I don't think is what you mean, but that's what it sounds like. Could you just have her seated, like with the seating of the mothers? You could have her son escort her down the aisle and have her sit up front, get her flowers/corsage, etc.

loca4pook · July 2013

jaragon007 said:

I understand that you have your preferences and so may others, but I don't feel like a lighting of a candle= an "in your face memorial". And I will be sure to ask my mom and sister what their thoughts are, and if they don't feel good about it, we can decided on another method.

And if the guests feel they are baited and switched, then I don't know what to tell them

yes, you definitely should follow your heart on whether a candle is appropriate. NOBODY but you can decide if lighting a candle for him would be appropriate.

kathrynrf · July 2013

Like other people said, I think you should either make her a bridesmaid or just a guest. She might feel like you are just making stuff up to include her, ya know?

As far as your Dad goes, I completely understand. My dad died and we have tried to think of ways to remember him, without making it painful for everyone else. My Dad always wore flip flops, like year round. My mom would hide them from him in the winter because it drove her crazy. I will be wearing a pair of nice flip flops for shoes. I feel connected to my dad whenever I wear flip flops, so I know it will give me the same feeling that day. Also, his favorite food was fritos. My mom serves them at every celebration party we have as a little momentum to my dad. We are going to have a bowl of fritos with our cocktails. Only my siblings and mom would really know why they were there, and it is just something we always do.

Blue_Bird · July 2013

Why don't you light the candle?

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