Wedding Party

Asking girls to be BMs - gifts or no?

So of course Pintrest would mean the bankruptcy of many people if they did all of the cool/cute things on there haha. I have seen a lot of pins about giving your girl friends a little gift when you ask them to be your BMs. I don't know if I want to do this or not. I was debating on doing something small for each of them, but then I thought about just writing each of them a letter about why they are important to me, how much their friendship means to me, and at the end of it asking them to be my BM. What are your opinions about this? 

Re: Asking girls to be BMs - gifts or no?

  • I'm not a fan of the over the top ways to ask your girls. I just called mine and asked. I think your heartfelt note sounds nice too. I was a BM recently and my friend got us each necklaces with our initials on them to ask. It was cute, but not necessary, and honestly I probably won't really wear it again except when I did for the wedding.

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  • I like the letter idea. It's so much sweeter and more personal than sending them something gimmicky you saw on Pinterest, you know?

    Save your money to buy them awesome BM presents before the wedding.
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  • KJirasKJiras member
    Name Dropper 5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary
    I think the cute ideas and trinkets on etsy/pinterest are totally fine if that is the route you want to go, but don't get sucked in to thinking you have to! I've been a bridesmaid five times or so and I certainly never expected it. I sent each of my friends a card which they seemed to think was sweet :) Your letter idea sounds great! 

     PDKH has the right idea, save that $$ for later in the planning process and put it towards a nice "thank you" gift. Congrats, and happy planning! 
  • JMalettasJMalettas member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited June 2013
     I don't think it's necessary to buy the girls gifts to ask them to be in your wedding party. It's definitely a nice idea, and of course, there are some really neat photos & ideas on Pinterest that get us all thinking! (I get sucked in sometimes too). Lol. You can obviously go the route of buying something, but your girls aren't going to expect it. So really, it's up to you! When I asked my girls, (minus one because she's across the province), I met with them in person & just asked. Skype is a great tool if you aren't able to meet due to long distance too btw! :) 

     Have fun deciding! :)

     *J
  • I don't think it's at all necessary. I just asked mine over the phone. If you would like to do something other than verbally asking them, then I think a note is a really nice idea.Save your money for the wedding and for the wedding gifts for your bridal party. :)
  • hordolhordol member
    First Answer 5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    It's only necessary if you want to do it. I didn't and I asked everyone either via text or FB (yes, I'm one of those horrible people.) I don't know, in my opinion it didn't really warrant any special sort of conversation. I normally text or message my friends to talk--I'm not a phone person. So why would I make an exception just to ask them to be a BM? Why would I go all out with a cutesy gift and poem if that's not the type of person I am? Know what I'm saying? Lol.
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  • I would save the money and offer to cover part of the cost of their shoes/getting their hair done/etc.

    The bride is supposed to cover the ENTIRE cost of shoes, hair and makeup if she wants those.  The bridesmaids purchase their dresses only.

    I agree about the shoes. But I usually get my hair done for weddings I'm in voluntarily. It's always fabulous when the bride offers to cover the money I would spend anyway.
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  • I agree that Pinterest would leave us with no money for the actual ceremony if we were to do all of the cute things they suggest.  I JUST created cards on Walgreen's websites.  They allow you to do individual cards.  I found one that allowed me to add a picture to the front (I did one of each of my girls and I) and then I typed a sincere note telling them I would love to have them by my side!

    Since I just did this, I don't know what they will think, but I was able to create 4 personalized cards, have them printed to be picked up in store for under $9. I just wanted to add a personal touch to each one of my girls as I asked them to share this day with me!  
  • Ok cool deal. Thank you all for the advice! :)
  • Also, when getting someone a gift as a way of asking, it adds pressure for that person to say yes.
    "There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." -Friedrich Nietzsche, "On Reading and Writing"
  • snoopy76snoopy76 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited June 2013
    Yeah, I wouldn't give them a present to ask
  • I'm not a fan of "cute" ways of asking people to be in your wedding party, whether that's poems, gifts, parties, or whatever.

    Just ask them.
  • I just asked mine without gifts.
    At the engagement party however I am giving them a little extra from the other favors i'm giving just to show that they are my bridal party and that I appreciate them.
    I bought a tank which I would like for them to use at bachelorette party and for preparing the day of the wedding. I also included a thank you note which got me teary eyed and a ring pop.
  • I informally asked my bridal party (like over lunch) then I presented them with a gift at our engagement party (wine with a personal poem as the label) just as like a HEY thanks for dealing with me talking wedding stuff for the next 23 months. I am asking my bridal party to be super involved so I wanted to thank them for it. I know most people dont think  a bride should expect that of their bridal party, but they know what I expected from before I asked them. And.....9 months later everyone is still doing great!

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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited June 2013
    ahende04 said:
    I informally asked my bridal party (like over lunch) then I presented them with a gift at our engagement party (wine with a personal poem as the label) just as like a HEY thanks for dealing with me talking wedding stuff for the next 23 months. I am asking my bridal party to be super involved so I wanted to thank them for it. I know most people dont think  a bride should expect that of their bridal party, but they know what I expected from before I asked them. And.....9 months later everyone is still doing great!

    Wanting to show appreciation for the time, effort, and resources that your wedding party is putting into your wedding is fine and great...but give the gifts after they've already agreed to be in your wedding, not by way of asking them.  When you do that before they've agreed, it comes off as manipulative, like a bribe.

    I'm not suggesting at all that you did that, just that for anyone who hasn't asked anyone to be their attendant, save the thanks for after they agree.
  • Jen4948 said:
    I'm not a fan of "cute" ways of asking people to be in your wedding party, whether that's poems, gifts, parties, or whatever.

    Just ask them.
    Do you also hate Christmas? And fun? Lol. How can anyone not be "a fan" of a cute way to show your BMs appreciation and love? Just asking is fine, but there is nothing wrong with going out of your way to really show your girls how grateful you are to have them.
  • Jen4948 I'm not trying to put you down at all. I think it's funny/odd that you equate any "different" way of asking BMs to be "cutesy" or "OTT". While yes, poems, gifts, parties, etc might be cutesy or OTT (in your mind) they also do show a lot of thought on the part of the bride, and appreciation for the request she is asking. They aren't necessary, but I think it shows more thought/appreciation then just saying "Hi, will you be my bridesmaid?". But, that's just me. I didn't do anything OTT, but I wrote up very sweet notes and crafty "cute" cards so they would see it was something I really had thought about, and cared about.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited July 2013
    Jen4948 I'm not trying to put you down at all. I think it's funny/odd that you equate any "different" way of asking BMs to be "cutesy" or "OTT". While yes, poems, gifts, parties, etc might be cutesy or OTT (in your mind) they also do show a lot of thought on the part of the bride, and appreciation for the request she is asking. They aren't necessary, but I think it shows more thought/appreciation then just saying "Hi, will you be my bridesmaid?". But, that's just me. I didn't do anything OTT, but I wrote up very sweet notes and crafty "cute" cards so they would see it was something I really had thought about, and cared about.
    Putting so much "thought" into creating a "cute" effect isn't actually "thinking" of the recipients at all.  It's just trying to create an effect that may actually make them feel overwhelmed and pressured to say yes when possibly they can't.  There's nothing "cute" or "sweet" about putting someone in that position.

  • Jen4948 said:
    I'm not a fan of "cute" ways of asking people to be in your wedding party, whether that's poems, gifts, parties, or whatever.

    Just ask them.
    Do you also hate Christmas? And fun? Lol. How can anyone not be "a fan" of a cute way to show your BMs appreciation and love? Just asking is fine, but there is nothing wrong with going out of your way to really show your girls how grateful you are to have them.
    I'm not a fan of "cutesy" stuff either.  I'm more practical and I'd rather have someone tell me directly what they are feeling than buying me cutesy crap I'll never use.  I don't really have anything against people that want to do it that way, but I just don't see the point.  

    But then again, I also dislike chocolate, stuffed animals, and receiving flowers as a gift...so according to you, I hate Christmas and fun....
  • I picked out  different friendship cards for each girl, then I also enclosed a note explaining if they were unable to be a bridesmaid I still loved them and wanted them at the wedding (I knew finances were tight for a couple of them and some of my girls live out of state).  (I also mailed the cards to avoid any pressure, I didn't want anyone to say yes just because they were in front of me and felt obligated).  For my maid of honor (also my cousin) I sent a small bouquet of flowers to her job and asked her on the attached card...she loved it!  good luck deciding!
  • Jen4948 said:
    Jen4948 I'm not trying to put you down at all. I think it's funny/odd that you equate any "different" way of asking BMs to be "cutesy" or "OTT". While yes, poems, gifts, parties, etc might be cutesy or OTT (in your mind) they also do show a lot of thought on the part of the bride, and appreciation for the request she is asking. They aren't necessary, but I think it shows more thought/appreciation then just saying "Hi, will you be my bridesmaid?". But, that's just me. I didn't do anything OTT, but I wrote up very sweet notes and crafty "cute" cards so they would see it was something I really had thought about, and cared about.
    Putting so much "thought" into creating a "cute" effect isn't actually "thinking" of the recipients at all.  It's just trying to create an effect that may actually make them feel overwhelmed and pressured to say yes when possibly they can't.  There's nothing "cute" or "sweet" about putting someone in that position.
    I have to agree with this.  I feel like the reason that I'm not a huge fan of "cute" things like this is that it's more about the giver's enjoyment of arts and crafts and pinterest than about what the receiver actually would like.

    That said, of course every person/relationship is different and if all your friends are super into cutesy things then go for it.
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
  • I didn't give my bridesmaid any gift when I asked them. I just called them up ( out of town BM) and asked them if they would be part of our special day and be my bridesmaid. I'm waiting till the bridal shower or the bachelorette party to give them a nice gift. Just asking them is sweet enough!  
  • pibetafly09pibetafly09 member
    First Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited July 2013
    I'm so glad I read this thread. I've been debating with the idea of doing a Pinterest-inspired bridesmaid proposal but struggling with the logistics of sending them as my bridesmaids are all pretty scattered around. It never even dawned on me that I "needed" to do anything at all when one of my friends (I use that term loosely) invited herself into the bridal party the day I got engaged and then demanded to know when she would be receiving her bridesmaid proposal gift, and then went on to tell me how awesome the one her friend just gave her was and encouraging me to one up it. Anyway..that is a whole different story for another post. 

    I like the idea of a personalized card with a picture of us and a heartfelt message asking them. At first I liked the gimmicky proposals, but the more I look at them the more I think they are just kind of an unnecessary gesture.
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  • I made my girls boxes that said "Will you be my..." on the outside, and once you opened the box there was a shirt that said bridesmaid with their name on it, a hot pink boa, a champagne glass with their initials, and a baby bottle of champagne.  I drove to each girls house and left the box on their doorsteps.  Once I dropped the last one off, I posted a picture of the box on Facebook with the caption "check your doorsteps ladies" and tagged each of them.

    I love doing little thing like this, so I think everyone would have been shocked if I didn't ask them in an over the top way.  

    For their bridesmaid gift (that they are getting at the rehearsal dinner) I had jackets made with everyone's name on them.  We will wear these as we are getting ready for the wedding.  The day of the wedding they will be getting their actual gifts.  We are all getting ready at my parents house and I have everyone's dress.  So they should just need to worry about bringing their shoes, jackets, and bras.  When they walk into the room we are getting ready in, each girls dress will be hanging on their personalized hanger, with all their jewelry they will be wearing.  On the floor there will be a backpack (personalized) filled with anything and everything you could need for the day of.  My hope is this will keep everyone;s stuff together so we won't have to worry about things getting miss place.  Plus now there will be no fight over hairspray the day of, as everyone has their own bottle :)
  • A friend of our did this for her Maid of Honor (that's all she had for her bridal party):  She sent her best friend an email with the subject: "Special position to be filled" and the body of the email was similar to a job posting.

    Position: Maid of Honor

    Requirements: Must be as close as a sister; a friend who has laughed with me, cried with me, and always been my shelter in a storm.....(etc. she went on to include funny, personal and touching moments describing their great friendship).

    She ended the email by saying there is only one person in the world who could fill this role, and would she please be her maid of honor. 

    Her maid of honor was so touched, she rad the email as part of her speech at the wedding, and there was not a dry eye in the house.  By far I thought this was the best way I have heard to ask a friend and tell them how much they mean to you :)

     

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