Future Mother-in-law being inappropriate?

wrigleyville · July 2013

Oh my god. If my mother decided to wear different earrings without consulting me first, I wouldn't give a hoot or think she was being passive-aggressive. She's old enough to dress herself, and as long as she shows up on time and poses for pictures and acts like the loving mother she is, I really don't care if she wears hoops or studs. She doesn't have to run every little thing by me because she doesn't need approval for something that trivial.

OP, let it go.

NerdyLucy · July 2013

IamTheMommaOfTheBride said:

NerdyLucy said:

phira said:

I agree that what she did with the flowers was controlling; she should not have made those changes without your consent. It's one thing to say, "This is what I would like," when you're helping to pay. It's another to just make the change without checking with you.

This.

I agree with everyone else about the color of the dress not mattering and the type of flower not being a big deal, but I do sympathize with you that she was sneaky about changing the flowers without your permission.
You ordered the flowers with intention to pay for it yourself.
It was generous of her to offer to pay for part of them after the fact, but I agree that it was definitely inappropriate for her to change the order after the fact, at least without discussing it with you.

No one needs permission from anyone in re to what THEY are wearing, clothes, flowers, jewelry etc. !
She did nothing wrong.

I was not trying to imply that the MIL needed permission regarding what she would be wearing. That would be silly.

As I said before, the actual change itself I don't find a problem at all.

Jen4948 · July 2013

Liatris2010 said:

Jen4948 said:

IamTheMommaOfTheBride said:

NerdyLucy said:

phira said:

I agree that what she did with the flowers was controlling; she should not have made those changes without your consent. It's one thing to say, "This is what I would like," when you're helping to pay. It's another to just make the change without checking with you.

This.

I agree with everyone else about the color of the dress not mattering and the type of flower not being a big deal, but I do sympathize with you that she was sneaky about changing the flowers without your permission.
You ordered the flowers with intention to pay for it yourself.
It was generous of her to offer to pay for part of them after the fact, but I agree that it was definitely inappropriate for her to change the order after the fact, at least without discussing it with you.

No one needs permission from anyone in re to what THEY are wearing, clothes, flowers, jewelry etc. !
She did nothing wrong.

I disagree. It's not a matter of "permission" here so much as that she was leading the OP to believe that the order would be placed and paid for just as the OP was planning to do, and then she changed it. Whether or not she needed "permission" for that, it's not being frank and honest with the OP. That is wrong.

The only thing she changed was how her flower attached. It wouldn't even cross my mind that this was a change requiring the bride's notification. It is MIL's flower, why does it matter to anyone else how she wears it?

As I posted earlier, the actual flower issue is one I would let go. But I would not allow MIL to be in a position in the future where she could make changes that really do matter without the couple's permission.

[Deleted User] · July 2013

jennythorpe said:

Thank you everyone for your advice. It just seems like she is being the "rebel" with everything (for lack of a better word). Everyone else has had the attitude of "it's your day so it's your decision" except her.

rebel? seriously? find a better word
Your fmil offers to pay for the flowers...maybe 1000.00 or so and you are upset that she changed what SHE will be wearing? Did it ever occur to you to ask HER what she would like?
Ok so it's YOUR day....not your grooms, not anyone else's ..... just you. What a lovely attitude indeed !

jcrmc · July 2013

While I agree that if someone is paying/paying in part for something they should get a say...HOWEVER, when that person knows the arrangements for whatever have already been made and then offers to pick up the tab, I don't really think that rule applies.

Now, T H A T being said - it really isn't a huge deal, is it? Not like she made a change from roses to bird of paradise, or from lavender to fuchsia...just the style she wants.

Dress? That is her decision and hers only. If she shows up in bright orange with lime polka dots, she will be the only one looking stupid...and the photos she would be in? Make them black and white - no one will know!!

OT but somewhat along the same lines: my mother wanted to wear the same dress she wore to my sisters wedding 14 years ago, but just have it hemmed shorter. She pinned it up and tried it on, and honestly it looks like crap on her now - out of date, just doesnt suit. She and I had gone shopping and found a GORGEOUS dress for her, and she bought it...then kept asking me which one I liked better...and of course my answer was The New One. Which she then responded with a hem and haw and really doesnt the old one look ok? I finally just snapped after 10mins of this back and forth and said I like the new one, but wear whatever you want! And she huffed off.

Ask my opinion, I will tell you - if you dont like it, dont be mad that I told you what you wanted to hear - my opinion.

/rant

lol

cmiles89 · July 2013

Maybe I'm controlling and crazy (Actually, I know I am...) but I would be ticked too, were I in your situation. Ticked- but it's not something to go to war over. Yes, it was rude of her to change her flowers without checking first, but she did help with payment. And yes, it was misleading of her to ask to coordinate with the rest of the WP, but she doesn't have to. So really, I think this seems like a bigger deal than it is right now, emotions running high and all that.

Were I you, I would maybe just mention this in a very non-confrontantional way. Like "Hey FMIL, we are so appreciative of your support, financial and emotional, but I am wound so tight right now with planning and I would super-duper appreciate if you just ran problems or changes by me first. It's not you, I just like to know what's going on". If you're nice about it, maybe you can avoid this type of thing going forward.

Dreamergirl8812 · July 2013

OP, please don't bring this up with your FI. He's going to think you're BSC.

You: "OMG the woman that brought you into this world changed the flower order!"

Him: "What did she do???"

You: "She changed her's to a wristlet!"

Him: "......"

Xstatic3333 · July 2013

I bet it never even occurred to her that changing to a wristlet is something that would have been an issue. Also, with the dresses, I know my FMIL consciously avoided the color my mom is wearing and neither wanted to match the BMs. I think the whole thing could just be a misunderstanding.

OP, if she did change any of the actual flower selections that wouldn't be cool. I say this as someone whose FMIL admittedly dislikes my flower choices and is constantly lobbying me to change them (she has my blessing for free reign on the centerpieces, which is what she's paying for, but dammit I want to walk down the aisle with sunflowers!). It's one thing to help plan from the start; I would say that's where pay=say comes in. If her money comes with major strings, that's when you lay out the conditions.

LisaA2014 · July 2013

I feel your pain. My future MIL tells me my wedding will look stupid because of uneven bridesmaids and groomsmen. She asks me my ideas then tells me she has better ones. Every 5 secs she tells me I should do what my future SIL did for this or that. However, I'm marrying some what of a mama's boy so I deal. Her heart is good, her execution sucks. I think she just wants to be a part of things. When it gets out of control (like the uneven bridal party thing) I talk to my fiancé and he handles it.

cmmurphy89 · July 2013

My mom wanted her corsage as a wristlet so that she could put them on her purse.....I thought "Mom why are we buying flowers for your purse!", but hey whatever its not my bouquet!

The worse problem we had with Moms; dresses was when FMIL went shopping with all her friends, she picked out a dress fell in love with it, came out to show her friends and they loved it, she was already to buy it and then realized she was wearing my mom's exact dress. She sent me a picture to double check and I thought she was joking! I was like haha wouldn't that be funny! The next dress she bought and showed me I realized is basically the same color as the bridesmaids....but hey she loves it! So who cares.

Upside everyone is going to LOVE my mom's dress

jessicabessica · July 2013

wrigleyville said:

nsweare said:

I somewhat disagree with the PPs. Has your MIL always been passive aggressive? Because, to me, this feels passive aggressive. She didn't want to ask you about the flowers so she offered to pay and took it upon herself to change hers. Also, it sounds like she undertook to find out what the MOB is wearing and acted as though she wanted to coordinate and then did the opposite. What is your relationship otherwise? Is this a pattern of behavior? I agree with everyone else to just let it go. These couple of instances aren't worth fighting over. However, if this a pattern you are going to need to talk with your FI and decide how you want to deal with your MIL in the future.

That's a bit of an overreaction. She offered to pay out of kindness and probably asked if she could switch to a wrist corsage while on the phone with the florist. I doubt someone would pay hundreds of dollars just to avoid asking the bride if she can switch to a wrist corsage. That's a bit far-fetched.

Also, by asking the MOB what she was wearing, she may have asked with the intention to NOT coordinate with her. Asking about the color palette doesn't mean she was faking that she wanted to match them. My mother asked FI's mother what she planned to wear so they didn't show up in the same dress. If I were a mother, I'd want to make sure I didn't match the WP or the other mother out of respect.

I agree with @wrigleyville. I think it's a stretch to get "rebel" from these two things that are fairly innocent to begin with and could easily have perfectly benign explanations.

Fancypantsamy · July 2013

My mother in law wore brick red to our wedding despite knowing our color scheme was navy and hot pink. Unfortunately for her, our florist forgot to make a white corsage for her so she was stuck with a big hot pink wristlet. No one has looked at my wedding album and said to me "Gosh Fancy, your mother in law clashed with your wedding decor, I think less of you!" - this will all be fine in a few months.

Ajuliana · July 2013

Fancypantsamy said:
My mother in law wore brick red to our wedding despite knowing our color scheme was navy and hot pink. Unfortunately for her, our florist forgot to make a white corsage for her so she was stuck with a big hot pink wristlet. No one has looked at my wedding album and said to me "Gosh Fancy, your mother in law clashed with your wedding decor, I think less of you!" - this will all be fine in a few months.

Our colors are navy and pink too!! Have any pics so I can compliment your amazing taste?

jessicabessica · July 2013

StageManager14 said:

Am I the only one who thinks buying flowers for the moms (or anyone) without first consulting if they wanted them/preferred to pin or wear them on their wrist was wrong? I would never presume to insist someone pin or wear something without consulting them first.

I think some PPs already pointed that out, and I totally agree. We asked our moms and grandmas whether they wanted nosegays or wrist/pin corsages (or they could have declined) and got them whatever they wanted.

jennythorpe · July 2013

Wow, this was the first time I posted on here and did not expect so much response activity. A few clarifications:

1.) She changed the flowers for her corsage too. I know it is not a big deal in the grand scheme of things, just the principle. Like all my hard work coordinating the flowers didn't matter to her. My mother and I spent several weekends going to several florists for consults, going over details and working hard for the flowers to come together. This involved me driving several hours each weekend into the town where the wedding is. After all that someone just makes a quick phone call and changes something. As little as it may be, it just seemed a little rude.

2.) I don't really care what dress she wears either. Again, just the principle because everyone agreed ahead of time to go with the same color scheme. Everyone else got their dresses in that color scheme. Then, once everyone else got their dresses, the original plan just went right out the window for her. Now it's all these people in blush and one person in a different color. I spent a stupid amount of time messaging back and forth with her answering her questions about shades of pink, sending her pics of the other dresses and question, questions, question from her. Then she shows me the dress she got and I was a little confused. If I knew she would do this ahead of time I would have just told everyone please don't worry about going with the color scheme so that everyone else had more options too.

APDSS22 · July 2013

I think I'd go ahead and be a little hurt she went and changed her flowers without telling you, even though she was paying. Because they are flowers for your wedding. Maybe you could even have a calm discussion with her about it. Hey, maybe she was allergic to something or didn't know it meant that much to you.

That being said, it might not be that big a deal in the grand scheme of things. After all, it's not like she changed the venue after offering to pay for it. And you always have a choice to refuse her money and revert the flowers but I would at least ask her why she changed them in the first place.

amorrison340 · July 2013

I disagree with letting her change the actual flower type. She was wrong to change them without speaking to you first. I would simply call and ask her if there was a reason she wanted them changed. If it was just her flowers she changed then it might be she thinks they'll clash with her dress or that particular bloom makes her sneeze! Other than that I would compromise and tell thank you for offering to help with the cost, and you'd be more than happy to let her have the wrist corsage as she's requested, but that you worked hard on your selection and will be changing it back to the original type of flower. There's nothing wrong with standing up for yourself, I would just listen to her side of it, too.

As for the dress thing, yeah it's weird she was so persistent about matching and then didn't, but don't worry about it. Don't let things you can't control work on you too much!

NYCBruin · July 2013

Liatris2010 said:

I think it is weird she changed her flower, but really? So what. She paid for them, so let her have the flower she wants. There is no way to bring it up to her without sounds like this, "But I wanted you to wear the flower I picked and you changed it!" >foot stomp< Just let it go.

All of this.

And the dress, same thing. There really isn't a way to bring up either without sounding a little childish or that you care more about "looks" than people.

Read some of the other posts on here about real fights that people have with their own/their FI's family and then be happy that the only thing you have to complain about is flower choice and dress color.

This is such a non-issue, but if you say anything to your FMIL it could quickly turn into one.

wrigleyville · July 2013

Maybe she tried on dresses in that color and realized it looked hideous on her. Then she remembered she's MOG and can wear whatever she wants and doesn't have to clear it with anyone.

Changing the flower is no big deal, even if it doesn't match the others. No one will care except you. If my FMIL offered to pay for our flowers, she could show up with a big red Gerbera daisy while everyone else had lavender nosegays, and I'd still be all, "Whatev," because she just saved me $1000.

I'd just let this go. Neither of these are major offenses. Pick your battles wisely or you'll look like a nag. Remember, you're going to have her as a MIL for many years. Save the fights for stuff like letting your children play with knives or things like that. (Obviously, I'm joking, but it proves a point.)

Future Mother-in-law being inappropriate?

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