Can I wear a veil after I elope

RebelFrankie · July 2013

My husband and I eloped for financial reasons for school. (Idk if its the same everywere but if you are under the age of 26 your parents have to fill out part of the fasfa for me to go to school. Even after I asked them to multiple times they didn't.) So we had been dating for four years and was already planning on getting married anyway and we eloped. We didn't tell anyone other than immediate family because we wanted a big wedding... well you know how secrets are if more than one person knows. It doesn't stay secret for long.

Anyway my mom is throwing me a wedding and we got to talking about the veil. She says that its tacky to wear a veil if you're already married but Ive ALWAYS dreamed of wearing a veil. I don't want to offend anyone, but I don't want to not have my dream just because I eloped

KDM323 · July 2013

So, you eloped so you could get more financial aid...but now you want a big white wedding and your only concern is whether or not it would be inappropriate to wear a veil?

bakerie · July 2013

RebelFrankie said:

My husband and I eloped for financial reasons for school. (Idk if its the same everywere but if you are under the age of 26 your parents have to fill out part of the fasfa for me to go to school. Even after I asked them to multiple times they didn't.) So we had been dating for four years and was already planning on getting married anyway and we eloped. We didn't tell anyone other than immediate family because we wanted a big wedding... well you know how secrets are if more than one person knows. It doesn't stay secret for long.

Anyway my mom is throwing me a wedding and we got to talking about the veil. She says that its tacky to wear a veil if you're already married but Ive ALWAYS dreamed of wearing a veil. I don't want to offend anyone, but I don't want to not have my dream just because I eloped

Just... no. You already had a wedding. So, that's done, you can't have another one. You could have a big party to celebrate your marriage if you wanted, but no wedding stuff, no wedding dress, definitely no veil. You chose to elope, so now you have to deal with the consequences.

s-aries8990 · July 2013

I'd be more concerned with how your friends and family will feel about being lied to.

Have an anniversary party - you already made the choice to get the benefits of getting married, and now you have to deal with the consequences.

misssunshine17 · July 2013

Does everyone know you're already married? This thread isn't going to go well for you, doll. What you have planned is rude and inconsiderate.

PS- are you really trusting that your mom will pay for you sham "wedding" when she couldn't even be bothered to fill out the financial aid form?

Dreamergirl8812 · July 2013

But guuuuuuuys, the first time was for moneeeeey. All decency becomes moot when it comes to moneeeeeeey.

wrigleyville · July 2013

I worked full-time and went to school part-time because I was in the same situation as you and my parents wouldn't fill out the FAFSA. You aren't special. Lots of people are stuck in that jam, and there are ways around it. You simply chose the easy, deceitful way, and now you want a big fake wedding for all of the relatives and friends you disappointed and your biggest concern is a freaking veil?

You traded in your dream of a big wedding for the dream of finishing school in four or five years. That ship has sailed. No veil. No big wedding. You're already married. Congratulations.

NYCBruin · July 2013

No. You are married. You can't have another wedding.

Have a nice party to celebrate your marriage. No wedding gown, no wedding party, no wedding ceremony, no veil.

Also, please tell everyone you're married ASAP. Your friends and family will be very hurt that you lied to them. The longer you wait, the more upset they will be.

SuperMinty · July 2013

I had the same issue with my family, so I went to community college while working full time, then transferred to a university when I turned 23 (apparently the magic age where they think your family stops helping you here).

You are already married. You can have a "celebration" of your marriage or an anniversary party, but you don't get a second wedding. Also, I second PP that pointed out you probably shouldn't trust your mother to do this.

BMoreBride6 · July 2013

RebelFrankie said:

My husband and I eloped for financial reasons for school. (Idk if its the same everywere but if you are under the age of 26 your parents have to fill out part of the fasfa for me to go to school. Even after I asked them to multiple times they didn't.) So we had been dating for four years and was already planning on getting married anyway and we eloped. We didn't tell anyone other than immediate family because we wanted a big wedding... well you know how secrets are if more than one person knows. It doesn't stay secret for long.

Anyway my mom is throwing me a wedding and we got to talking about the veil. She says that its tacky to wear a veil if you're already married but Ive ALWAYS dreamed of wearing a veil. I don't want to offend anyone, but I don't want to not have my dream just because I eloped

Wait, she thinks its tacky to wear a veil after your already married but has no problem throwing a fake wedding? I'll let the others do the explaining about how wrong this is...but it baffles me that the same woman wanting to throw the PPD has a problem with a veil.

tiny speck · July 2013

No you cannot wear a veil now. You are already married. If you "ALWAYS dreamed of wearing a veil" why didn't you when you eloped (=got married)?????

wrigleyville · July 2013

Also, the FAFSA cutoff is not age 26. It's 24. I remember because I turned 24 on January 9 and had to wait an entire year to apply as independent (the cutoff is Dec 31).

aurianna · July 2013

A wedding is about the joining of two people in marriage.
The reason why we invite a bunch of people to our ceremony is because we want them present when we take one of the biggest steps in our lives. But you already took that step.
The reason why a bunch of people come to weddings is because they care about you and want to see you join as man and wife. But you've already become man and wife.

The only valid reason to have a wedding doesn't exist anymore. Yes, I understand that a lot of girls want the big ceremony where they can walk down an aisle in a gorgeous dress. But if you're already married, then you're only really doing it as a show and for attention. It isn't wrong to wish to be beautiful and the center of attention, however if in order to do so, you must lie to your friends and family about one of the most important events in your life, you have to realize that isn't right.

Ask yourself why you've wanted to keep it a secret.

Is it because you think people would be less likely to come see your "wedding" and give you presents if they knew you were already married?
IF that's the reason, think on that a minute. You're lying to your friends and family for attention and presents. Is that really ok with you?

Is it because you think people will be hurt that they didn't get to see your actual wedding?
If so, how much MORE hurt do you think those people will be if they found out down the road that not only did they not see your wedding, but they saw something that they thought was your wedding but was in fact a lie.

Is there another reason I can't think of?

Think about the future. When are you going to celebrate your anniversary? What are you going to tell your future children about your wedding day? Do you really want to spend the rest of your lives lying to your friends, your family and yourselves about when you got married?

I suggest this:
Start telling people you are married. Try to do it in person. Realize that they might be hurt. But also realize the people you love deserve honesty about the most important stepping stone in your life thus far.

If you reeeeeally want a ceremony, have a vow renewal in front of your family and friends. However do not have a big white bridal gown or bridal veil or bridal party. Because you are a wife and not a bride. (instead, spend the money on a gorgeous evening or cocktail dress that you can wear again)

Have that same, awesome, kick ass party you'd have anyway as a reception to celebrate your marriage. Just skip the spot light dances / bouquet tosses / etc. Just host your guests to an awesome time.

Teddy917 · July 2013

I agree with PPs. But just in case we have any lurkers, if you have been married once, DIVORCED, and are getting married again it's not against etiquette (I don't think) to wear a veil. But traditionally, the veil was there to make sure the groom didn't see his bride until the very last second. So really the original purpose of the veil is pretty much gone now. At least, I'm assuming most people (except in some cultures) meet their husband-to-be before the wedding. So really it is just part of the attire. And the bride's attire (unless someone else is paying, and even then it should be) is up to the bride.

tiny speck · July 2013

Teddy917 said:

I agree with PPs. But just in case we have any lurkers, if you have been married once, DIVORCED, and are getting married again it's not against etiquette (I don't think) to wear a veil. But traditionally, the veil was there to make sure the groom didn't see his bride until the very last second. So really the original purpose of the veil is pretty much gone now. At least, I'm assuming most people (except in some cultures) meet their husband-to-be before the wedding. So really it is just part of the attire. And the bride's attire (unless someone else is paying, and even then it should be) is up to the bride.

This is almost right. For a second wedding (ie not a re-do) a bride shouldn't wear a blusher veil (the part that covers the face), but can wear other types of veils.

Teddy917 · July 2013

@tiny speck. Thanks for correcting me.

CheleLyn · July 2013

My absolute biggest issue with PPDs is the lying. My ex's middle daughter married her high school sweetheart after he finished AIT (he's in the army). The had a lovely wedding that followed the guidelines of their very conservative denomination. It was a lovely spring day, the bride looked great, the groom was handsome in his Class A uniform, my ex was a very emotional, proud daddy giving away one of his three daughters in the first of weddings of that generation. Everything was just LOVELY.

Fast forward almost a year to when he and I found out that the couple had married in Georgia right after the groom had graduated from AIT...with the bride's mother's blessing and attendance. They got married for all the reasons other people give for secretly getting married in the military. The only people who knew were the MOB and the bride's sisters. I was highly offended that we had been lied to, but my ex was very very hurt. I'm pretty sure there are others in that family who still don't know it was a PPD and it's been about 7 years.

Personally, I don't have a problem with the dress and all that...I just wouldn't call it a wedding and would make damn sure EVERYONE knew the couple was already married and were really just renewing their vows. As i've said before, I'm going to be officiating a vow renewal for friends of ours on their 22nd anniversary and she wants to do the whole dress, guests, cake, car, etc. But EVERYONE knows they are married and everyone is excited and looking forward to it. In our circle of friends it's ok.

BMoreBride6 · July 2013

CheleLyn said:

My absolute biggest issue with PPDs is the lying. My ex's middle daughter married her high school sweetheart after he finished AIT (he's in the army). The had a lovely wedding that followed the guidelines of their very conservative denomination. It was a lovely spring day, the bride looked great, the groom was handsome in his Class A uniform, my ex was a very emotional, proud daddy giving away one of his three daughters in the first of weddings of that generation. Everything was just LOVELY.

Fast forward almost a year to when he and I found out that the couple had married in Georgia right after the groom had graduated from AIT...with the bride's mother's blessing and attendance. They got married for all the reasons other people give for secretly getting married in the military. The only people who knew were the MOB and the bride's sisters. I was highly offended that we had been lied to, but my ex was very very hurt. I'm pretty sure there are others in that family who still don't know it was a PPD and it's been about 7 years.

Personally, I don't have a problem with the dress and all that...I just wouldn't call it a wedding and would make damn sure EVERYONE knew the couple was already married and were really just renewing their vows. As i've said before, I'm going to be officiating a vow renewal for friends of ours on their 22nd anniversary and she wants to do the whole dress, guests, cake, car, etc. But EVERYONE knows they are married and everyone is excited and looking forward to it. In our circle of friends it's ok.

Oh wow that's awful!

I agree...I don't love the AWish stuff but I can handle the attendants, dresses, etc (don't like it, but won't get upset over it), but calling it a wedding is lying. It is not a wedding. It is deceitful and not cool.

wrigleyville · July 2013

I roll my eyes at this new trend of calling something a "vow renewal" to avoid getting blasted for having a PPD. Traditionally, vow renewals were designed for the milestone anniversaries - 10, 25, 50 - or when you had a separation with your spouse and then worked things out and wanted to make it super awesome and "official". Those I can get down with. Yay, party.

But to use it as an excuse to wear a pretty dress and get presents and be all "me me me" for a day because you were too impatient to wait a few months to a year?

No.

NYCBruin · July 2013

wrigleyville said:

I roll my eyes at this new trend of calling something a "vow renewal" to avoid getting blasted for having a PPD. Traditionally, vow renewals were designed for the milestone anniversaries - 10, 25, 50 - or when you had a separation with your spouse and then worked things out and wanted to make it super awesome and "official". Those I can get down with. Yay, party.

But to use it as an excuse to wear a pretty dress and get presents and be all "me me me" for a day because you were too impatient to wait a few months to a year?

No.

Preach.

wrigleyville · July 2013

Yeah, the post-parties are fine. My cousin eloped because he and his wife didn't want a big wedding, and my aunt was really, really hurt. She asked if she could at least throw them a party, and they agreed that would be okay.

Their parents and witnesses wore suits and dresses, but nothing as fancy as they'd wear at a wedding, and the mothers and fathers had boutonnieres and corsages. They had food, drinks, and dancing, and some people brought cards and gifts. But it wasn't wedding-y at all. It was great, and nobody side-eyed it one bit. The cake was just a regular sheet cake with some pretty decoration in their favorite colors, and it said, "Congratulations Scott and Sally".

If they'd done a fake wedding or anything wedding-y, people would still be talking about how tacky it was.

As for the invitations, I recall they were similar to a party invitation. They said something like, "Come celebrate the recent marriage of Scott and Sally." Then it had the usual place/time/date and an RSVP card.

NYCMercedes · July 2013

So, you want to use the tax dollars you stole from me, for FEDERAL student aid, for a veil. No. Don't do it.

crunchymamaof2 · July 2013

No wonder the divorce rate is so high. Few take marriage seriously anymore. It's all about the frills.

Bubbles2014 · July 2013

Have a 1 year anniversary party. Wear a nice dress, have good food, have a cake, have a lovely time with your guests, but don't act like a bride because you aren't. You're a wife now and any kind of wedding would be an act.

[Deleted User] · July 2013

this again?

aurianna · July 2013

GlassButton said:
I think you should wear what you want. If you want the veil then go for it. Just be clear about who's going to pay for it and if your mom is still going to have the wedding for you if you do. As for offending people - those people are probably already offended. Also, on tk these types of celebrations aren't well received. Have you gone to wedding wire? It seems like they'll give you more support on your wedding. http://m.weddingwire.com/forums/etiquette_and_advice

We don't support it because it's not a wedding. A wedding requires two people getting married. This is two people's lying to their friends and family by pretending to get married, very possibly for attention and presents. In what universe does that sound like something people should support?

If OP wants to have a big party to celebrate her marriage with her nearest and dearest she can totally do that and everyone here still supports a reception-only or anniversary party... as long as you she comes clean to her friends and family prior so they know that they are already married and that this is not a wedding.

I just think if OP is unable to come up with at least three reasons that are not selfishly motivated why a pretend wedding after the secret one is a good idea, then it's not a good idea.

CheleLyn · July 2013

GlassButton said:

My husband and I eloped for financial reasons for school. (Idk if its the same everywere but if you are under the age of 26 your parents have to fill out part of the fasfa for me to go to school. Even after I asked them to multiple times they didn't.) So we had been dating for four years and was already planning on getting married anyway and we eloped. We didn't tell anyone other than immediate family because we wanted a big wedding... well you know how secrets are if more than one person knows. It doesn't stay secret for long.

Anyway my mom is throwing me a wedding and we got to talking about the veil. She says that its tacky to wear a veil if you're already married but Ive ALWAYS dreamed of wearing a veil. I don't want to offend anyone, but I don't want to not have my dream just because I eloped
I think you should wear what you want. If you want the veil then go for it. Just be clear about who's going to pay for it and if your mom is still going to have the wedding for you if you do. As for offending people - those people are probably already offended. Also, on tk these types of celebrations aren't well received. Have you gone to wedding wire? It seems like they'll give you more support on your wedding. http://m.weddingwire.com/forums/etiquette_and_advice

In other words, here you'll get honest answers...over there you'll be told what you want to hear.

o_0"""

annathy03 · July 2013

aurianna said:

GlassButton said:
I think you should wear what you want. If you want the veil then go for it. Just be clear about who's going to pay for it and if your mom is still going to have the wedding for you if you do. As for offending people - those people are probably already offended. Also, on tk these types of celebrations aren't well received. Have you gone to wedding wire? It seems like they'll give you more support on your wedding. http://m.weddingwire.com/forums/etiquette_and_advice

We don't support it because it's not a wedding. A wedding requires two people getting married. This is two people's lying to their friends and family by pretending to get married, very possibly for attention and presents. In what universe does that sound like something people should support?

If OP wants to have a big party to celebrate her marriage with her nearest and dearest she can totally do that and everyone here still supports a reception-only or anniversary party... as long as you she comes clean to her friends and family prior so they know that they are already married and that this is not a wedding.

I just think if OP is unable to come up with at least three reasons that are not selfishly motivated why a pretend wedding after the secret one is a good idea, then it's not a good idea.

Exactly! OP, since you aren't getting married you shouldn't be having a ceremony and should be inviting people to a celebration of your marriage. You should really wear a nice cocktail dress rather than a wedding gown, but honestly as a guest I don't really care what you wear, I care that you are honest with me instead of leading me there under false pretenses, and that you host me properly at whatever type of party you throw.

wrigleyville · July 2013

wrigleyville · July 2013

GlassButton said:

My husband and I eloped for financial reasons for school. (Idk if its the same everywere but if you are under the age of 26 your parents have to fill out part of the fasfa for me to go to school. Even after I asked them to multiple times they didn't.) So we had been dating for four years and was already planning on getting married anyway and we eloped. We didn't tell anyone other than immediate family because we wanted a big wedding... well you know how secrets are if more than one person knows. It doesn't stay secret for long.

Anyway my mom is throwing me a wedding and we got to talking about the veil. She says that its tacky to wear a veil if you're already married but Ive ALWAYS dreamed of wearing a veil. I don't want to offend anyone, but I don't want to not have my dream just because I eloped
I think you should wear what you want. If you want the veil then go for it. Just be clear about who's going to pay for it and if your mom is still going to have the wedding for you if you do. As for offending people - those people are probably already offended. Also, on tk these types of celebrations aren't well received. Have you gone to wedding wire? It seems like they'll give you more support on your wedding. http://m.weddingwire.com/forums/etiquette_and_advice

Viczaesar · July 2013

GlassButton said:

@Liatris2010 I'm sorry but this is just one of those things where we should agree to disagree. Im sorry but I don't see the issue with this type of celebration and I don't think I will anytime soon.

Believe what you want, but please stop giving bad etiquette advice on an etiquette forum.

Can I wear a veil after I elope

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