Can I wear a veil after I elope

crunchymamaof2 · July 2013

GlassButton said:

@Liatris2010 ETA: @aurianna @annathy03 I thought everyone knew since OP wrote:
We didn't tell anyone other than immediate family because we wanted a big wedding... well you know how secrets are if more than one person knows. It doesn't stay secret for long.

Isn't she saying that people told others and so on till everyone found out?

SHE didn't tell everyone except for a select few (from what she wrote in her OP). Everyone else she fully intended to lie to, by her own admission here. Just because people found out about said lie, it doesn't mean the liar suddenly has morals. She intended to lie. To me there's no difference.

Glassbutton is to PPDs what NYUgirl was SOs being invited to weddings. Oi vey.

NYCBruin · July 2013

GlassButton said:

@Viczaesar I'm sorry I'm new here when it comes to posting, but maybe @KnotPorscha can clear this up, is it allowed to tell another user how/ what to post? I'm confused because I thought it was about getting different opinions on the matter. I'm sorry to be such a pain @KnotPorscha because I asked you not too long ago if it was fine to disagree with other members and I understood your response as though it was. Just because someone doesn't agree with you doesn't mean they're always wrong or giving bad advice. @Liatris2010 I'm very lenient when it comes to that. I get the aspect about not calling it a wedding, but I believe if everyone already knows it's not really a lie. As for the rest of the discussion about PPD I'm not bothered by them at all, as I said let's agree to disagree on this one. I highly doubt anyone's opinion will change.

All people are pointing out is that just because YOU don't personally take issue with something doesn't mean that it isn't still rude. Everyone has things that they don't find rude, it doesn't mean that they post telling people that "it's totally fine" to do X, Y, or Z rude thing because they personally don't find it offensive.

This is an etiquette forum. Yes, it's the Internet and you can post whatever you want. But I don't think anyone is being ridiculous or breaking the TOS to point out that you probably shouldn't post advice that goes against etiquette on an etiquette forum.

NYCBruin · July 2013

GlassButton said:

@NYCBruin Unfortunately there are people from different backgrounds and culture here. I try and take that into consideration although I do hold my own biased (it may be common for them to have a different a legal and social wedding date depending where they're from). I know many wont agree with it but I love the way this article discusses it: http://www.brevardminister.com/1/post/2013/07/legal-marriage-then-social-wedding-no-its-not-a-fake-wedding.html

First of all, I think it's great that there are people from different backgrounds and cultures here, so I fixed that for you. If this was a case of cultural differences, I'd be fascinated to hear about the cultural reasons for whatever it is the poster is doing.

Second, the OP lives in the US and said the reason she got married was for FAFSA (a federal program for student loans).

Third, I disagree with everything in that article. Even in countries where you must have two ceremonies to get married in a religious ceremony, they are done within days of each other. That in no way compares to the PPDs we see posters on here wanting.

aurianna · July 2013

GlassButton said:

@Viczaesar I'm sorry I'm new here when it comes to posting, but maybe @KnotPorscha can clear this up, is it allowed to tell another user how/ what to post? I'm confused because I thought it was about getting different opinions on the matter. I'm sorry to be such a pain @KnotPorscha because I asked you not too long ago if it was fine to disagree with other members and I understood your response as though it was. Just because someone doesn't agree with you doesn't mean they're always wrong or giving bad advice. @Liatris2010 I'm very lenient when it comes to that. I get the aspect about not calling it a wedding, but I believe if everyone already knows it's not really a lie. As for the rest of the discussion about PPD I'm not bothered by them at all, as I said let's agree to disagree on this one. I highly doubt anyone's opinion will change.

I think it IS allowed to suggest that someone not give advice that is against etiquette on an etiquette board, and that's what she was doing.

Sending out an invitation that says "wedding" on it when you know for a fact that the invitee doesn't know you are already married or that there is a chance that the invitee doesn't already know you are married is either a lie of omission or an outright lie. Lying to your guests = bad etiquette.

Even if everyone already knows (which is not how I read her comment. I read it to mean she was only telling a few people BECAUSE a secret tends to spread; not that it had already spread), it's still tacky as heck.
The only reasons I can see to call it a wedding when it isn't:
1. Fish for possible offers to throw you showers.
If you come out and say "we're already married; we're having an anniversary party to celebrate!" odds are not many people are going to be offering to throw you a shower. But if you come out and say you're having a wedding and you ask people to be your bridesmaids.. you've created this awkward situation where some people will feel like because you seem to think you're a bride that maybe you're expecting them to have these parties for you...
2. Fish for wedding presents.
Not everyone is going to bring a present to a vow renewal.. and why should they? But most people give wedding presents. But the couple here isn't just starting out on their life together. In fact, they've been benefiting financially for quite a while now.
3. Getting to be an AW in a wedding dress
Yes... it's fun to get dolled up and look like a princess. And the only way to have that "magic" moment is getting walked down the aisle of a wedding in all your glory. But since there's no actual wedding... that's really all this is. An excuse for the OP to have people look at her being pretty... come up to her at the reception and tell her what a beautiful bride she is... have pictures taken to immortalize how fabulous she looked... But because there's no wedding, it really is just a giant "look at me! look at me!" deal. It's one thing to have guests sit through a look-at-me, look-at-me deal if they're also with you to see you get married. But if you're not actually getting married it is such an eye-roller.

You can celebrate your marriage, have a party with your friends and family, have awesome food, alcohol, dancing and entertainment... you can do all of that without the pretense of a fake wedding.

Tell me any other reasons to have a do-over wedding besides present-fishing or attention w40r*ng... because neither of those things are very polite to your guests. And if it isn't polite to your guests, then it's against etiquette.

NYCBruin · July 2013

Am I the only one that finds the "well they do it this way in this culture or in this country" argument completely offensive when used by someone who is not a part of that culture or lives in that country?

I feel like arguing that a PPD is ok in America because some people have two ceremonies in Europe is like a petulant child trying to convince her parents that she should have both a Quincenera and a Sweet 16.

NYCBruin · July 2013

GlassButton said:

GlassButton said:

@NYCBruin Unfortunately there are people from different backgrounds and culture here. I try and take that into consideration although I do hold my own biased (it may be common for them to have a different a legal and social wedding date depending where they're from). I know many wont agree with it but I love the way this article discusses it: http://www.brevardminister.com/1/post/2013/07/legal-marriage-then-social-wedding-no-its-not-a-fake-wedding.html

First of all, I think it's great that there are people from different backgrounds and cultures here, so I fixed that for you. If this was a case of cultural differences, I'd be fascinated to hear about the cultural reasons for whatever it is the poster is doing.

Second, the OP lives in the US and said the reason she got married was for FAFSA (a federal program for student loans).

Third, I disagree with everything in that article. Even in countries where you must have two ceremonies to get married in a religious ceremony, they are done within days of each other. That in no way compares to the PPDs we see posters on here wanting.
I was raised and live in Canada but that doesn't mean I share the same beliefs as many Canadians. I still hold many morals and values from my country that were taught to me by my parents. Perhaps OP is the same way? I have genuine question, then why does it seem like many things on here come from an American (USA) perspective? An example that still bugs me, I know it wasn't you but I remember reading on here that even though in some cultures the dollar dance is practiced someone said it was tacky. They insulted a culture for it. It didn't make sense to me.

The OP has given no indication that she intends to hold a fake wedding for cultural reasons. She flat out said the reason she got married was to get federal benefits. So your cultural argument makes no sense. I understand having a culture that isn't necessarily the same as the location of where you grew up, I really do. I just don't know of any culture that demands two wedding ceremonies. The places where this has become a cultural thing is because the government doesn't permit religious leaders to perform legal marriages.

As for the dollar dance thing, I don't know anyone who has had one so I can't speak to it. However, I know I have seen posts from people on here explaining how the dollar dance actually isn't a cultural thing, it's a relatively recent development. I don't remember the explanation, but maybe someone can come and supply the history behind it and how it isn't actually part of any culture.

MobKaz · July 2013

RebelFrankie said:

My husband and I eloped for financial reasons for school. (Idk if its the same everywere but if you are under the age of 26 your parents have to fill out part of the fasfa for me to go to school. Even after I asked them to multiple times they didn't.) So we had been dating for four years and was already planning on getting married anyway and we eloped. We didn't tell anyone other than immediate family because we wanted a big wedding... well you know how secrets are if more than one person knows. It doesn't stay secret for long.

Anyway my mom is throwing me a wedding and we got to talking about the veil. She says that its tacky to wear a veil if you're already married but Ive ALWAYS dreamed of wearing a veil. I don't want to offend anyone, but I don't want to not have my dream just because I eloped

So, your mom had no interest in helping you advance in your education, but she is eager to assist in advancing a charade of a wedding?

NYCBruin · July 2013

Things are either part of your culture or they aren't. The OP didn't get legally married for cultural reasons. She got married to get federal benefits. Then she kept it a secret. Now some of her family has found out (against her wishes).

If it were part of her culture, she wouldn't have lied about it because it's what everyone would have expected her to do. Again, no culture (which is different than a country-specific law) that I know of demands two ceremonies. PPDs are not a "cultural" thing.

Viczaesar · July 2013

GlassButton said:

@Viczaesar I'm sorry I'm new here when it comes to posting, but maybe @KnotPorscha can clear this up, is it allowed to tell another user how/ what to post? I'm confused because I thought it was about getting different opinions on the matter. I'm sorry to be such a pain @KnotPorscha because I asked you not too long ago if it was fine to disagree with other members and I understood your response as though it was. Just because someone doesn't agree with you doesn't mean they're always wrong or giving bad advice. @Liatris2010 I'm very lenient when it comes to that. I get the aspect about not calling it a wedding, but I believe if everyone already knows it's not really a lie. As for the rest of the discussion about PPD I'm not bothered by them at all, as I said let's agree to disagree on this one. I highly doubt anyone's opinion will change.

You're joking, right? I can request that you not repeatedly give out bad etiquette advice on an etiquette board, and you can decide whether or not you want to acquiesce to my request. Thus is the nature of interpersonal relations.

artbyallie · July 2013

I am getting so sick of these threads where people try to advocate in favor of PPDs by trying to say that there's social/cultural significance. There's NOT. It's all about the damn dress, and everyone here should know that. Because if it wasn't about the damn dress, these wives who want to play at being brides after the fact wouldn't be wearing the damn dress for their PPD. /rant

NYCBruin · July 2013

@GlassButton

We get it, you don't take issue with PPDs. LOTS of people do.

In this case, the OP gave no indication that she had come clean with everyone. Her phrasing suggested that she had not and wasn't planning to.

Even if she wasn't going to lie about it, a lot of people still find PPDs rude and offensive. We have been over this many, many times.

For the 100th time, PPDs are not a cultural thing. They're an "I like attention" thing. Some people are cool with that. Most aren't.

You're clearly in the "whatever" camp. There are lots of rude things that I'm "whatever" about, but I don't go around the Internet telling people that it's totally cool if they do them.

RebelFrankie · July 2013

Ok everyone knows we are married and this is being thrown on my anniversary, and my family supports the wedding I was just asking about ONE part of it but I'm glad I got my answer. And its not uncommon where I'm at to have a wedding after eloping three of my friends have all done it with wedding gowns.

(and it wasn't for money because i actually get LESS financial aid now than before)

OliveOilsMom · July 2013

RebelFrankie said:

Ok everyone knows we are married and this is being thrown on my anniversary, and my family supports the wedding I was just asking about ONE part of it but I'm glad I got my answer. And its not uncommon where I'm at to have a wedding after eloping three of my friends have all done it with wedding gowns.
(and it wasn't for money because i actually get LESS financial aid now than before)

Just because others have thrown a fake do-over wedding, doesn't make it ok for you to do it. If these same 3 people jumped off a bridge, would you follow suit?

NYCBruin · July 2013

StageManager14 said:

Ok everyone knows we are married and this is being thrown on my anniversary, and my family supports the wedding I was just asking about ONE part of it but I'm glad I got my answer. And its not uncommon where I'm at to have a wedding after eloping three of my friends have all done it with wedding gowns.
(and it wasn't for money because i actually get LESS financial aid now than before)
Your original post flat out said you got married so you could fill out a FAFSA without your parents because they refused. How are you now getting less financial aid than the zero financial aid from not being able to apply? Is the federal government charging you extra money on top of your having to pay tuition and fees or something?

It's like you read my mind. I totally just loved your post.

QueerFemme · July 2013

RebelFrankie said:

Ok everyone knows we are married and this is being thrown on my anniversary, and my family supports the wedding I was just asking about ONE part of it but I'm glad I got my answer. And its not uncommon where I'm at to have a wedding after eloping three of my friends have all done it with wedding gowns.
(and it wasn't for money because i actually get LESS financial aid now than before)

Just because your friends did it, doesn't mean it isn't rude. it just means your social circle has a bunch of rude people with limited or no etiquette knowledge.

You are already married. You can have a kick-ass anniversary party, but not a wedding. No big bridal gown, no wedding party, no bachelorette party, no "firsts". that ship as sailed. what you are doing is rude and tacky, just like lying to your friends and family was.

QueerFemme · July 2013

and by the way, GlassButton, you can certainly continue to give really shitty etiquette advice here if you want to, and people will continue to call you out on it. what I don't understand though, is if weddingwire is more your speed, enough for you to recommend it, why don't you go there?

LavenderHoneyBee · July 2013

RebelFrankie said:

Ok everyone knows we are married and this is being thrown on my anniversary, and my family supports the wedding I was just asking about ONE part of it but I'm glad I got my answer. And its not uncommon where I'm at to have a wedding after eloping three of my friends have all done it with wedding gowns.
(and it wasn't for money because i actually get LESS financial aid now than before)

Why do you feel so entitled? It is very obvious that you feel entitled to every dollar of financial aid available. That's not how it works. Aid goes to students who NEED it and are incapable of funding their education without it.

You also feel entitled to a second wedding, since the first was "just" an elopement. You have your wedding. I'm sure it was wonderful. This darling, is an anniversary party. You cannot wear a veil. Nor should you parade around in a big white wedding dress. Are you restating your vows? Walking down the aisle? Carrying a bouquet?

AddieCake · July 2013

RebelFrankie said:

Ok everyone knows we are married and this is being thrown on my anniversary, and my family supports the wedding I was just asking about ONE part of it but I'm glad I got my answer. And its not uncommon where I'm at to have a wedding after eloping three of my friends have all done it with wedding gowns.
(and it wasn't for money because i actually get LESS financial aid now than before)

Oh, well, since all your friends are doing it.....by all means!

I haven't read all the responses, so I'm sure this was probably already mentioned, but when I read your first post, all I could thin was, "Really? She's worried the veil will push this over to the "not ok" side?

crunchymamaof2 · July 2013

RebelFrankie said:

Ok everyone knows we are married and this is being thrown on my anniversary, and my family supports the wedding I was just asking about ONE part of it but I'm glad I got my answer. And its not uncommon where I'm at to have a wedding after eloping three of my friends have all done it with wedding gowns.
(and it wasn't for money because i actually get LESS financial aid now than before)

The elopement was your wedding. If that wasn't good enough for you then you should have waited. If you want to wear a veil become a nun.

Can I wear a veil after I elope

Re: Can I wear a veil after I elope

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