Wedding Etiquette Forum

Future MIL inviting person to shower/rehearsal dinner who are not invited to the wedding.

My fiance does not speak to his sister.  His sister is bad news.  She is drama, in trouble with the law, someone we do not trust or even feel SAFE around.  We have made it clear that she is not invited to our wedding.  Of course my fiances mom is not happy about this.  There are 2 things my future MIL is paying for/putting on, the bridal shower and the rehersal dinner.  While this is very nice of her, I have found the list of people invited to both and she has added on my fiances sister and child to both of them.  She added the names onto the list I gave her.  While I know she is paying, so there is not much I can do, I feel that this is rude.  His sister shouldn't even be in town for the rehersal dinner if she is not invited to the wedding.  We are worried that if she is in town, my future MIL will bring her to the wedding too.  We did not want her to even know where the wedding is so she wouldn't show up and cause a scene.  I would rather just pay for the rehersal myself and not have her there.  What my MIL is doing is causing me a lot of anxiety and making the wedding process an upsetting one.  Also, I'm afraid with all of this sister drama that my fiance will not follow through with the wedding.  How should I proceed?
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Re: Future MIL inviting person to shower/rehearsal dinner who are not invited to the wedding.

  • Decline the RD and shower. Say thanks but let FMIL know that you can't accept those parties with guests invited that you know will not be invited to the wedding.

    Why would your FI not proceed with the wedding?
  • Also, I'm afraid with all of this sister drama that my fiance will not follow through with the wedding.  How should I proceed?


    Are you afraid that he won't marry you, or will want to change the wedding plans.  I hope it is the latter, otherwise I have to suggest pre-marital counseling.  As his wife, you should not have to be worried about his family effecting major decisions in your life together.

    Your FI needs to tell his mother that he is not comfortable with his sister coming to the wedding or any related events.  Decline both the shower and FMIL's offer to host the RD if necessary.  She who pays says, but no one should be invited to pre-wedding parties that is not invited to the wedding, so FMIL needs to accept that.

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  • banana468 said:
    Decline the RD and shower. Say thanks but let FMIL know that you can't accept those parties with guests invited that you know will not be invited to the wedding. Why would your FI not proceed with the wedding?
    I'm just worried this drama his mother is causing would be too much for him.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
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    banana468 said:
    Decline the RD and shower. Say thanks but let FMIL know that you can't accept those parties with guests invited that you know will not be invited to the wedding.
    This.  Your FMIL will continue to test this boundary, because she clearly cares more about her own agenda than your and your FI's feelings, so hold firm.
  • I'm just worried this drama his mother is causing would be too much for him.
    Then don't invite his mother either.
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  • I would decline the shower and RD. But I think your FI has to tell his mother that under no circumstances is his sister invited to attend your wedding. Even if you guys host the RD yourself, it may not stop her from inviting the sister. Unfortunately I think your FI has to make it abundantly clear that his sister will be escorted off the premises if she shows up. 
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  • Future MIL has already sent out invites for both.....
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
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    Tell her she'll have to cancel because you can't make it.
    southernbelle0915
  • Future MIL has already sent out invites for both.....

    Jen4948 said:

    Tell her she'll have to cancel because you can't make it.

    This. Yes it will probably cause drama and your FI is going to need to back you up but she needs to respect your wishes or be up front that she won't.
  • I think you have a FI problem more than you have a MIL problem.  Your FI clearly knew his sister either was being or has been invited to both events.  You should be in the position of knowing your FI will put his foot down with his family.  Instead, you're worried your FI may not go through with the wedding because the stress of it all is just too much for him?????
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  • maybe just tell her: "i found out that you planned to go against fi and i's wishes by augmenting the guest list and as a result we are declining both parties. please let your guests know." ugh.
    southernbelle0915Rebl90
  • His mom just informed him that she (along with the sister) have decide to not care what we think and the sister will take part in all the festivities...including the wedding.  Ummm.....excuse me??
  • His mom just informed him that she (along with the sister) have decide to not care what we think and the sister will take part in all the festivities...including the wedding.  Ummm.....excuse me??
    ain't nobody got time for that. how disrespectful. uh oh, now they're both not welcome. hope you and he can manage this and not let it ruin things. seriously, that's tough. 
  • KeptInStitchesKeptInStitches the Northern Plains member
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    And what was your FI's response?
  • phiraphira Bahstin member
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    I agree with folks who are pointing out that this is actually a problem with your fiance and not necessarily your future mother-in-law.

    If your fiance would think about canceling the wedding because of this issue, that's a problem. The wedding is supposed to be about the two of you, after all. Canceling is not the solution to the problem.

    Your fiance should be the one talking to his mother, which it sounds like he is. He needs to present the two of you as a united front, and he needs to tell his mother what's going to happen, and not ASK her to do what you want.

    Problem: "I don't care, I'm inviting your sister to the shower and rehearsal dinner!"
    Solution: "Mom, we appreciate that you have offered to host both of these events. However, since we are not okay having people attend these events who are not invited to attend the wedding, we are not comfortable with either one. I'm afraid that under these circumstances, we will not be attending either event." And then DON'T ATTEND EITHER EVENT.

    Problem: "Your sister WILL be coming to the wedding!"
    Solution: "Mom, [fiancee] and I are hosting our own wedding, and we are the people who decide who is invited to attend. You have repeatedly insisted that we invite [sister], but we will not be inviting her. We understand if this upsets you, but we're not changing our minds. If [sister] arrives at the wedding, security will ask her to leave."

    And then make sure you have security.

    My partner and I are not inviting my estranged father to our wedding, but my partner is nervous that my dad will try to attend anyway (with or without assistance from my siblings or grandparents). I highly doubt he'd try, but just in case, we're going to look into hiring some form of security.
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  • His mom just informed him that she (along with the sister) have decide to not care what we think and the sister will take part in all the festivities...including the wedding.  Ummm.....excuse me??


    You need to say no. That you will have her removed from any event you are hosting and you will not attend the events FMIL is hosting. Let your WP know that you are now hosting the RD, hire security and tell FMIL that she will be removed from the ceremony and reception as well if she is a party to any of this.

    Your FI needs to stand up to his mother and fast. If this was my family, FMIL would be at serious risk of being cut out of our lives.

  • And what was your FI's response?
    He keeps saying he will deal with it.  But I don't know how he is going to do that???
  • I dont really think he is going to cancel the wedding, I was just saying......because it is getting so out of hand.
  • I agree with PP.  Inform FMIL you are declining both events if she insists that FSIL is in attendance and don't show up.  Host your own RD and don't include FSIL or FMIL.  Hire security to escort FSIL out if she shows up and FMIL if she insists on making a scene at the wedding or reception.
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  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
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    I think its time that FI also re-evaluates his relationship with his mom too.  You need to call FMIL and tell her that you are declining both the shower and the RD.  Tell FMIL that, while she is welcomed to attend the wedding (if you decide to allow her - I'd probably revoke her invite), you will not allow FSIL to attend and she will be escorted out by security.  HIRE SECURITY!  Host your own RD.  You may not have a shower now, but you never know, someone may feel bad about the situation and make something come together.

    Also, if your wedding ceremony is in a church, FSIL cannot be turned away since its a public space.  If this is an issue, speak openly and honestly with your priest/pastor.  Maybe he will allow the ceremony to be held at your venue to avoid this public space issue. 

  • KeptInStitchesKeptInStitches the Northern Plains member
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    And what was your FI's response?
    He keeps saying he will deal with it.  But I don't know how he is going to do that???
    I'd be worried about that response. I was hoping for something more ... forceful, I guess is the word? Direct? Contacting his mom and sister and saying that's not going to fly and they need to knock it off right now?
  • Welp, you can't have a bridal shower without a bride. Don't go, and decline the rehearsal dinner--it isn't necessary anyway. Get the word out to your WP and family that there won't be one (or that you won't be attending). Your FI needs to grow a pair and tell Mom no and back you up.

    Does she know about the issues that you all have with the sister?

     

    Rebl90
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers


    And what was your FI's response?
    He keeps saying he will deal with it.  But I don't know how he is going to do that???
    I'd be worried about that response. I was hoping for something more ... forceful, I guess is the word? Direct? Contacting his mom and sister and saying that's not going to fly and they need to knock it off right now?
    Yeah, me too.  "I'll deal with it" really means "No, I won't deal with it because I hate confrontation, so suck it up."  If he won't deal with it, I think you have bigger issues in your relationship that you'd better get worked up before you marry him.
  • By "he'll deal with it" he means he will handle the situation himself and doesn't want me to worry about it.  He will stand up to his mom, I just don't know if she will back down.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    By "he'll deal with it" he means he will handle the situation himself and doesn't want me to worry about it.  He will stand up to his mom, I just don't know if she will back down.
    I wouldn't expect her to back down, given how hard she's been digging in her heels.  Don't accept anything from her and have security on hand to escort your FSIL away.  I'm sure she'll turn up, if only to annoy you and your FI.
  • WeeshWeesh NY member
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    By "he'll deal with it" he means he will handle the situation himself and doesn't want me to worry about it.  He will stand up to his mom, I just don't know if she will back down.
    Wow, she has some nerve!  I agree with the other posters-decline the RD and the shower.  If you have a wedding coordinator or a point person at the venue, make sure they know of the situation and they are prepared to remove her if she shows up.  Bring pictures of both of them.

    I really hope that you and your fiance can get past this issue with your FMIL.  She sounds like she is completely disregarding your wishes, which is very selfish.
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  • Thank you for your advice.  My fiance messaged his moms and told her how it was going to be.  If she didn't like it she didn't need to be their either.  She has not responded.  :)
    KeptInStitches
  • scribe95 said:
    I seriously hope you don't mean he emailed or texted her. This is an important issue and should be handled like an adult - in person or on the phone if distance is an issue.

    My thoughts exactly. Actually my larger fear was that "messaged" means Facebook messaged. I hope I'm wrong.
  • scribe95 said:
    I seriously hope you don't mean he emailed or texted her. This is an important issue and should be handled like an adult - in person or on the phone if distance is an issue.
    THIS. This needs to be handled verbally, don't rely on technology to properly convey the tone of the message.
  • She will not talk to him in person or on the phone because she said there is nothing to talking about and the decision has been made on her part.  There was nothing he could do but text her.
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