Drama with Sister-In-Law

rgilman91 · August 2013

My F and I have been together for nearly 3 years. We have been living together for nearly 2 years. Our wedding is set for August 31st of 2014.

My sister-in-law (older brother's wife) lives out of state. She is a licensed cosmetologist and since I already have 2 BMs that live out of state, I asked her if she would do my hair and make-up for the big day instead of being a BM a couple of months ago. She totally understood where I was coming from and said she was happy to help and be a part of the big day.

A few weeks ago, she called my mom and told her that she and my brother were planning on not coming to the wedding. My mom was shocked and asked why. My sister-in-law would not tell her why. I was hurt and confused at the sudden change. I called and text her a few times over the period of 2 weeks and she totally ignored me. Same with my brother.

A few days ago, I got a bunch of texts from her saying that she and my brother don't agree with me living with my F before marriage (They did the exact same thing before they got married). She also said she doesn't agree with me planning on being a working mom (She is a stay-at-home mom. I want to be a working mom; what's wrong with that?). She said that she doesn't agree with F being gone for military orders and leaving me at home (There is nothing that we can do about that). A lot of other things were said that were really judgmental of me, my F, our relationship, and our future marriage. (She even said we will end in divorce!!!! ugh!!!). Also, they have only met my F ONCE, when they came to visit for Thanksgiving last year and everything went well. There weren't any arguments or anything. So, it's like, where is all of this coming from??

I'm not sure what to do about this. I really do not want her to be involved with any wedding stuff now. My F doesn't want to invite them until we get an apology from them. My parents agree with him. But I don't want to be spiteful...she is family, after-all.

Help!

STARMOON44 · August 2013

Who cares? So she doesn't agree with you-and? No one asked her to. Tell her you've made other day of beauty plans, send her and your brother an invite and don't think any more about it. Some people just love drama.

rgilman91 · August 2013

We care. The things that were said were extremely hurtful.

bethsmiles · August 2013

Just send the invite. They already said they aren't coming. This way you are the bigger person and it's all on them.

Personally, I think this is a kill them with kindness situation. Don't rise to their bait for drama. Just keep any interactions polite and minimal.

rgilman91 · August 2013

You know what? You guys are right. Sometimes it's hard to be the bigger person but that's what needs to be done. Thank you ladies!

Bubbles2014 · August 2013

I'm going against the grain here, but I wouldn't invite them. I wouldn't invite anyone who was that openly against my relationship, family or not. If she didn't get a STD then you aren't obligated to invite her anyway. Just skip sending an invite and don't engage with her any further.

Simply Fated · August 2013

rgilman91 said:
You know what? You guys are right. Sometimes it's hard to be the bigger person but that's what needs to be done. Thank you ladies!

I'm glad you've decided to be the bigger person. Some of the things she said was really dumb, but in the long run, it's not worth the energy to argue.

rgilman91 · August 2013

Our STD are almost ready to be sent out. That's why I wanted to get this sorted out before STD and invites are sent out.

mlg78 · August 2013

I'm sure it sucks to hear those things but at this point your wedding is still a year out and who knows where they'll be next year and things could change drastically. Send the invite next year regardless...but until then, don't stress about it and enjoy your engagement!

PatriceC59 · August 2013

How horrible of her to say those things to you, especially since it sounds like some of the circumstances are out of your control. I think that if they are not planning on coming to your wedding, then that alleviates the problem of her doing hair/makeup, yes? Doesn't sound like you should hold your breath for an apology and it's a shame that it sounds like SIL is going to create a riff between you and your brother.

As hard as it may be, try to focus on the more fun aspects of wedding planning, get someone else lined up to do hair/makeup, and just be the classy one and send an invite when the time comes. If they don't show up, you will still have a wonderful day, that choice to not support you will be on them.

So sorry you have to deal with this drama! Enjoy your engagement and try not to stress!

amorrison340 · August 2013

Don't let it get you down too much. Agreed with other posters, invite them if it will make you feel better. I would leave it at that. I wouldn't try calling/texting/whatever anymore. If this is backlash for something else, then they are adults and should act like adults.

TheVirginians · August 2013

You honored others by asking them to be attendants, yet you asked her to work your wedding. That was not very nice of you, whether you planned to pay or not to pay her for her work.

Maybe her nose was bent out of shape because of that and now she is seemingly blaming other little things for her not coming to the wedding.

If I were you, I'd apologize for asking her to work. Drop the wedding talk with her as it is a year away. Wait and hope she accepts you apology.

Teddy917 · August 2013

I agree with PPs. But I also don't see why she couldn't have been a BM. Also asking BMs this far out was not a smart idea, you never know where that friendship will lead. And you shouldn't have asked her to do your hair and makeup. You should've waited until she offered, if she didn't you find other plans.

rgilman91 · August 2013

There's nothing wrong with asking. She has every right to say no. Just saying.

banana468 · August 2013

I don't think asking her to be the hairdresser instead of a BM was all that great of an idea but she's not behaving well either.

misssunshine17 · August 2013

She sounds like a nut job. You shouldn't have asked her for her services instead of being a BM, but unless we're missing part of the story, it sounds like she went off the deep end.

jlm9113 · August 2013

rgilman91 said:

My F and I have been together for nearly 3 years. We have been living together for nearly 2 years. Our wedding is set for August 31st of 2014.

My sister-in-law (older brother's wife) lives out of state. She is a licensed cosmetologist and since I already have 2 BMs that live out of state, I asked her if she would do my hair and make-up for the big day instead of being a BM a couple of months ago. She totally understood where I was coming from and said she was happy to help and be a part of the big day.

A few weeks ago, she called my mom and told her that she and my brother were planning on not coming to the wedding. My mom was shocked and asked why. My sister-in-law would not tell her why. I was hurt and confused at the sudden change. I called and text her a few times over the period of 2 weeks and she totally ignored me. Same with my brother.

A few days ago, I got a bunch of texts from her saying that she and my brother don't agree with me living with my F before marriage (They did the exact same thing before they got married). She also said she doesn't agree with me planning on being a working mom (She is a stay-at-home mom. I want to be a working mom; what's wrong with that?). She said that she doesn't agree with F being gone for military orders and leaving me at home (There is nothing that we can do about that). A lot of other things were said that were really judgmental of me, my F, our relationship, and our future marriage. (She even said we will end in divorce!!!! ugh!!!). Also, they have only met my F ONCE, when they came to visit for Thanksgiving last year and everything went well. There weren't any arguments or anything. So, it's like, where is all of this coming from??

I'm not sure what to do about this. I really do not want her to be involved with any wedding stuff now. My F doesn't want to invite them until we get an apology from them. My parents agree with him. But I don't want to be spiteful...she is family, after-all.
Help!

I just feel the need to point out that of COURSE she said she was fine with it. What else was she supposed to say? I can almost guarantee that you hurt her feelings and wouldn't be surprised if that's where some of this is stemming from.

crunchymamaof2 · August 2013

versdirtyhippy said:

OK seriously people?

"She is a licensed cosmetologist and since I already have 2 BMs that live out of state, I asked her if she would do my hair and make-up for the big day INSTEAD of being a BM a couple of months ago."

SHE KICKED HER OUT OF HER WEDDING PARTY. So she could instead be a unpaid slave.

NO WONDER SHE FEELS SO APPRECIATED.

I didn't read it as her kicking her out but instead kind of throwing it in her face (even if it was unintentional). Like, "you're too far away to be a BM, I already have 2 OOT BM to coordinate with. So as a consolation prize you can do my hair and makeup!"

OP, I'm sure you didn't mean to be rude or hurtful when you asked her to work your wedding. In general you should never ask one of your guests to work your wedding unless they offer first. I'm sure she was very hurt by this and she probably felt too shocked/upset at the time to say no.

That doesn't excuse her behavior, or your brother's for that matter. If she was hurt she should have talked to you directly. At this point I would just let it go like PP said and hopefully fences can be mended down the road. Good luck!

TheVirginians · August 2013

There's nothing wrong with asking. She has every right to say no. Just saying.

Yes, there is something wrong with asking a close relative to work for you. Apologize and let her be a guest.

bethsmiles · August 2013

versdirtyhippy said:

OK seriously people?

"She is a licensed cosmetologist and since I already have 2 BMs that live out of state, I asked her if she would do my hair and make-up for the big day INSTEAD of being a BM a couple of months ago."

SHE KICKED HER OUT OF HER WEDDING PARTY. So she could instead be a unpaid slave.

NO WONDER SHE FEELS SO APPRECIATED.

No, she didn't kick her out of the WP. She never asked her to be a BM. It was inconsiderate of her to ask her to do that instead of being a BM Although we don't know if that's how she actually phrased it. She could have just asked her if she would do her hair and make-up the day of and not mentioned anything about the BP. Also, if her SIL felt that she was being asked to be an "unpaid slave" then she could have declined or told OP how much her services would cost. She did neither of those things. Asking someone to do a favor isn't a court summons, people have the option to say no.

And all the writing in all caps is totally unnecessary by the way.

bethsmiles · August 2013

TheVirginians said:

There's nothing wrong with asking. She has every right to say no. Just saying.

Yes, there is something wrong with asking a close relative to work for you. Apologize and let her be a guest.

Oh please. You can ask someone you are close with to do you a FAVOR. A lot of people are happy to be asked to be a part of things. If they don't want to do it they can say no or if they would prefer to be paid for their services they can indicate that as well. All people have to do is behave like adults and it really shouldn't be an issue.

bethsmiles · August 2013

jlm9113 said:

rgilman91 said:

My F and I have been together for nearly 3 years. We have been living together for nearly 2 years. Our wedding is set for August 31st of 2014.

My sister-in-law (older brother's wife) lives out of state. She is a licensed cosmetologist and since I already have 2 BMs that live out of state, I asked her if she would do my hair and make-up for the big day instead of being a BM a couple of months ago. She totally understood where I was coming from and said she was happy to help and be a part of the big day.

A few weeks ago, she called my mom and told her that she and my brother were planning on not coming to the wedding. My mom was shocked and asked why. My sister-in-law would not tell her why. I was hurt and confused at the sudden change. I called and text her a few times over the period of 2 weeks and she totally ignored me. Same with my brother.

A few days ago, I got a bunch of texts from her saying that she and my brother don't agree with me living with my F before marriage (They did the exact same thing before they got married). She also said she doesn't agree with me planning on being a working mom (She is a stay-at-home mom. I want to be a working mom; what's wrong with that?). She said that she doesn't agree with F being gone for military orders and leaving me at home (There is nothing that we can do about that). A lot of other things were said that were really judgmental of me, my F, our relationship, and our future marriage. (She even said we will end in divorce!!!! ugh!!!). Also, they have only met my F ONCE, when they came to visit for Thanksgiving last year and everything went well. There weren't any arguments or anything. So, it's like, where is all of this coming from??

I'm not sure what to do about this. I really do not want her to be involved with any wedding stuff now. My F doesn't want to invite them until we get an apology from them. My parents agree with him. But I don't want to be spiteful...she is family, after-all.
Help!

I just feel the need to point out that of COURSE she said she was fine with it. What else was she supposed to say? I can almost guarantee that you hurt her feelings and wouldn't be surprised if that's where some of this is stemming from.

She was supposed to say no? Be an adult, have a fucking backbone? It's really not that hard.

cruffino · August 2013

Whether or not you meant to insult her by asking for the makeup, you may have. Now is a good time to call her and say, "hi fsil, after thinking about it, I realized that I may have hurt/insulted you by asking you to work during the wedding. I'm sorry about that that. The texts that you sent hurt me, so I'd like for us to talk so that we can clear the air." You're going to have to deal with this woman so may you as well give it a try. No harm in that. At least you're being the bigger person.

crunchymamaof2 · August 2013

cruffino said:

Whether or not you meant to insult her by asking for the makeup, you may have. Now is a good time to call her and say, "hi fsil, after thinking about it, I realized that I may have hurt/insulted you by asking you to work during the wedding. I'm sorry about that that. The texts that you sent hurt me, so I'd like for us to talk so that we can clear the air." You're going to have to deal with this woman so may you as well give it a try. No harm in that. At least you're being the bigger person.

This x10000000000

rgilman91 · August 2013

Apparently I wasn't clear. I apologize.

To clarify:

I never said anything about being a BM to her. I just explained my logic here so you guys would know where I'm coming from. She asked to be involved in the wedding, so I gave her something to do where she can use her talents. Also, she is family. I do not see anything wrong with asking a family member who wants to be involved in the wedding to do something. Like I said before, she could have declined by saying something like "I would rather enjoy the wedding just as a guest.." and I would have understood.

rgilman91 · August 2013

This is why I have waited to post anything on these discussion boards because all this talk of "this is what you should have done...you shouldn't have done that..." is ridiculous. Decisions have been made. BMs have been chosen. Etc. All of that is in the past and cannot be changed. I think it would be more productive to focus and give advice on the question at hand instead of telling others they screwed up.

yellowrose314 · August 2013

rgilman91 said:

Apparently I wasn't clear. I apologize.
To clarify:
I never said anything about being a BM to her. I just explained my logic here so you guys would know where I'm coming from. She asked to be involved in the wedding, so I gave her something to do where she can use her talents. Also, she is family. I do not see anything wrong with asking a family member who wants to be involved in the wedding to do something. Like I said before, she could have declined by saying something like "I would rather enjoy the wedding just as a guest.." and I would have understood.

If this is the case, I don't think you did anything wrong. She asked to be involved and so you asked her if she would like to do your hair/make up and she agreed. I think it was nice to let her contribute in an area where she's experienced and (I'm guessing) enjoys doing since she made a career out of it, instead of a shitty job like guest book attendent. I think she was out of line going off on you like that, and it sounds like she was bottling it up for a while with a deluge like that. Personally, I wouldn't WANT to invite them after her saying something so insulting as she did, not to mention the fact that she obviously does not support your marriage, but I would be the bigger person and invite them none-the-less, just because they are family. If it was anyone else though I'd probably not invite them. Family is forever, but if a friend of mine was openly unsupportive of my marriage, they are not a friend I would want to have.

rgilman91 · August 2013

At this point, if they apologize, it'll just be water under the bridge. Like, forgive and forget. Would it be petty of me to ask for an apology? I gave them (and myself) a few days to calm down and then I tried calling a couple of times over the span of 3 days and both of them are ignoring me. My feelings are hurt but I can get over that. My concern is that this will cause a rift in the family. Without an apology, it will take me some time to forgive and I won't be able to trust them anymore.

bethsmiles · August 2013

I don't think I'd ask for an apology. I'd just keep my distance from them for awhile and let all of this blow over.

Teddy917 · August 2013

rgilman91 said:
This is why I have waited to post anything on these discussion boards because all this talk of "this is what you should have done...you shouldn't have done that..." is ridiculous. Decisions have been made. BMs have been chosen. Etc. All of that is in the past and cannot be changed. I think it would be more productive to focus and give advice on the question at hand instead of telling others they screwed up.

All we were doing is explaining why she might be upset and also show people who might be lurking what not to do.

MobKaz · August 2013

Regarding the cosmetic issue, based on FSIL's behavior, I'd say you were probably in a no-win situation. Based on her histrionics, she would probably have been insulted and offended had you NOT asked her to do your make-up and hair. Considering how much time and effort brides put into their appearance on their wedding day, that "job", to me, at least, would be the most flattering of which to be asked.

Did your FSIL speak for your brother? Have you heard anything directly from him? I would not necessarily take FSIL's word as your brother's, without speaking to him. FSIL seemed intent on wanting to stir up trouble. What was the point of dragging your mom into it? FSIL should have gone directly to you with this nonsense.

I tend to ignore this type of drama as it is usually reactionary. Between now and the wedding, something will come up where communication will be required. Test the waters then. If you want to save yourself aggravation, don't send a STD. They do not have to be sent. Once sent, however, you are locked in to sending them an invitation. It's another no-win situation for you. If you send a STD, they may throw it back in your face. If you don't, they may take that to mean they are uninvited.

Take the high road for now and do nothing. Keep the ball and the drama in their court.

Drama with Sister-In-Law

Re: Drama with Sister-In-Law

Choose Another Board

Search Boards