UPDATE: NER: Is it just me, or is this NOT ok...

yellowrose314 · August 2013

I should probably be posting this on the nest, but I don't really like that site...

So DH and I have a roommate, a very good friends of ours. We moved in together in February, as we all wanted to relocate to the same area and found a great house with a great landlord. Yeah, it's a bit weird to be married and have a roommate, but we honestly have a great arrangement and we all co-habitate very well together. Except for one thing.

Our friend/roommate, who I'll call A, is very... flirty. She's NEVER hit on DH, before or after we were married, but she's one of those people who calls everyone "sweetie" or "hunny", and she's always very flirtatious around pretty much any single guy she meets. Honestly I don't have a problem when A calls me these pet names, I do the same for her, we're really close. But the other night when we were having a BBQ, she asked my DH "Hunny can you get me a drink from inside". I immediately said (very calmly even though I was quite shocked and a little pissed) "Umm... no... you don't call him that". I have NEVER heard her calling him a name like that before but she said she calls him that all the time. He does not reciprocate. (It took him forever to even start calling me babe or hun; he's not really a pet name kind of person). I was like I don't care, please don't pet name my husband, it's not appropriate. Everyone who was over at our place (BIL, BIL's girlfriend/my BFF, our landlord/friend, and another friend of ours) all agreed. BIL actually looked pissed at her, and straight up told her that was not ok and don't do it again. She didn't see what the big deal was and blew it off. I thought that was the end of it.

I talked to DH about it, and he said if she's used her pet names when referring to him in the past, he hasn't noticed it, because he just doesn't pick up on stuff like that, but he agrees now that he's noticed it that it really bothers him and he told her as much. I asked him if it bothers him if she calls me pet names he said no, you're both girls it's different, which I get, I feel the same way... strangely enough.

She confronted me this morning before work saying that I was blowing it out of proportion and it wasn't that big of a deal. Well, sorry, yes it is. It's in appropriate, and I told her if I had overheard her calling him that before the BBQ I would have reacted the same way, because it's just not ok. She says I'm deliberately trying to make things awkward. What in the What?! Why the hell would I want to do that? She feels like I'm using this as an excuse to push her out of the house, and I have no idea how she jumped to that conclusion, and told her has much. I told her bottom line, I'm just not comfortable with her calling my husband pet names, and he's in agreement. That is for us as a husband and wife to do, and it would have been the same situation if we were only dating or engaged. She still doesn't understand the problem. Honestly, how do I get it into her head that it isn't ok?

(As I'm writing this she did it AGAIN! And he straight up said "My name is [DH], stop with the hunny, you know I don't like it". )

yellowrose314 · August 2013

CN: Roommate is calling DH pet names, confronted her about it, she doesn't understand why it's a problem.

Bubbles2014 · August 2013

If he doesn't like it then he is within his rights to ask her to stop. I think you can voice that it makes you uncomfortable.

If someone called my FI hunny I wouldn't care. I personally call everyone babe, male or female. It doesn't mean I'm hitting on them.

jcrmc · August 2013

I call almost anyone sugar (or shug), but never someone elses sig.other. Most I would do is say *Thanks, hun!* if someone close to me handed me something...

*someone gets me a drink* Thanks shug!

And almost all kids get *sweetheart* from me.

Hi sweetheart! Thats a very pretty dress!

But I totally agree with you - way different scenario. If she cant see why it bothers the two of you, just tell her:

Im sorry you dont understand *why* it bothers us, but since you now know that it *does*, will you please attempt to refrain from using pet names? We would both appreciate it.

(pardon the bad spelling and lack of apostrophes and quotation marks - my keyboard is broken and those keys dont work!!)

ETA: FI agrees that it is weird. Certain terms of endearment translate across genders - some dont. Hun (but not HONEY), doll, darlin (but not darLING). He also agrees that the roomie is out of line and you have every right to tell her how you feel.

GlassButton · August 2013

I think you should discuss it with her and clearly explain why it bothers the TWO of you. Not just you.

She might feel like you blew it out of proportion because (it seems) you called her out in front of everyone. You should explain to her you didn't mean to but that it just really bothered you.

misssunshine17 · August 2013

I honestly think you're overreacting. Just have him tell her not to call him pet names. Leave you out of it, because you sound a little overbearing. Especially if you were in public, called her out and she probably just did it out of habit, it seems extreme to be so angry.

courtneythesquid · August 2013

Honestly, I think this is why it is generally not a good idea to have a roommate when you are a married couple. If your friend calls everyone honey/ sweetie, etc. then I am sure she didn't mean anything by it (if she was only calling your husband this, that would be totally different.) If she calls everyone honey, she is going to slip up and call your husband honey again at some point. It obviously bothers you, and you are entitled to your feelings, I don't think anyone is acting with malice here, but the set-up is just fraught with peril. I would find a different living arrangement STAT if you want to preserve the friendship...

Sharpschruter22 · August 2013

I get really pissed when people I don't know call me any of those names. I'm not your love, sweetheart, honey, etc. It is a huge pet peeve of mine and saying that she calls everyone pet names is not an excuse. I don't think you're overreacting at all. As a previous poster said, tell her I'm sorry you don't understand why it bothers us, but the fact remains that it bothers us so please don't do it.

kipnus · August 2013

I lived with a married couple for a year before I got engaged. We all got along very well, but I NEVER would have used a pet name on the husband! That does seem like crossing a line, but I probably wouldn't have called her out in public. I hope she will respect your feelings on this.

yellowrose314 · August 2013

I can see how she would be upset that I called her out in public. Honestly it was just a gut reaction, and at the time I didn't give much thought. I heard it, and I spoke up. I'm bad for that, and I did apologize to her that I did call her out like that.

What's bothering me about the whole thing is twofold. Firstly, it was the tone in which she said the pet name. It was her flirty tone. Call it stupid if you want, but I know the difference. I've seen her talk to her guy friends with pet names in a non flirty tone, and other guys in a flirty tone and I know the difference between the two very well. And even my BIL noticed it and spoke to me about it afterward that I was not out of line, she was.

Secondly, it's the fact that she doesn't see a problem with the whole thing, and doesn't seem to care that it bothers both of us. We BOTH, individually without the other spouse there, told her it made us uncomfortable. She knows it's not just me making him agree with me. He can hold is own and she knows that.

I should also mention that about a month or so before the wedding, she was going through a really rough time in her dating life. We were both supporting her as best we could. One day I come home and FI is super agitated. He told me that he was sitting on the couch and A came downstairs a little upset and asked for a hug. He gave her one, and sat back down. She proceeded to sit right next to him on the couch... and asked if they could cuddle...!!! I'm not going to lie, it was REALLY hard not to flip shit on her. But when I asked her about it, in a non confrontational way, she apologized immediately and told me she didn't know what came over her and she realized it was not ok to ask then-FI for something like that. It still rubbed me the wrong way and until now, I had let it slide, but now it's creeping up in the back of my mind again.

Viczaesar · August 2013

Why do you/her say hunny instead of honey? Hunny is not a word.

Sharpschruter22 · August 2013

After the info you just gave, I would want her out of my house. Not ok.

Edit: Typo

hordol · August 2013

Initially, I didn't think her calling him "hun" or whatever it was was that big of a deal because you had said she uses pet names with everyone (although, if it bothers you anyway, you/DH have the right to ask her to stop, and it's not okay that she wouldn't respect your wishes.) But now, after disclosing the cuddling thing? Yeah, not okay and I would find a new living situation stat. It's good that she acknowledged that it was inappropriate, but I don't even understand what would go through someone's mind to think it was okay to ask a friend's fiance to cuddle in the first place. Yes, she was going through a rough time, but that's no excuse. I've been through rough times and have never once sought solace in the arms of my friends boyfriends/fiances/husbands, whatever. That's just wrong.

Anyway, I'd want to find a new living arrangement because I wouldn't want to risk things getting worse. It sounds like it would be best for your friendship if you lived apart.

doeydo · August 2013

Maybe it's time to find a new roommate or for you and your hubby to live alone.

Jen4948 · August 2013

I think it's time for you and your husband to live separately from this girl who won't respect your boundaries or your marriage.

artbyallie · August 2013

Why do you/her say hunny instead of honey? Hunny is not a word.

Pet peeve of mine too. It's 'honey' or 'hon.' Only Winnie-the-Pooh uses 'hunny' because he's a silly old bear who can't spell.

bethsmiles · August 2013

The honey thing wouldn't bother me and I do think you are blowing it out or proportion. She probably thinks she calls your DH pet names all the time because she calls EVERYONE pet names all the time - meaning that to her they clearly don't have the meaning they have to you. Even if calling her out in public was a gut reaction I think you should apologize for doing so. It sounds like everyone ganged up on her and that really wasn't fair and I'm sure it put her on the defensive. The cuddling would bother me more but it sounds like it was pretty long ago and she apologized and it hasn't happened again. Two isolated events don't mean she is disrespecting your marriage or that you can't make this living arrangement work out.

You'll probably have more luck if you sit down with and first apologize for calling her out in public and making it such a big deal. But still explain that neither your or DH are uncomfortable with that and you'd like her to respect that. Say that you understand that she is that way with everyone but its just something that irks you. She's probably acting like it's not a big deal and blowing it off because you are making it such a big deal and she doesn't see that way. Calm down about it a bit, see it from her perspective, and then talk to her again.

PatriceC59 · August 2013

I think the problem here is that the time to make a decision that she shouldn't live with you should have been when she tried to cuddle with your significant other. You started this whole thread by pointing out that she is super flirty. Those two facts there are a huge problem because of her proximity to your husband. I'm not saying it's wrong of her to be flirty, because lots of girls are and that's fine. It's just not fine when a flirty friend turns that energy towards your husband. I think between two girlfriends, that type of behavior can cause hurt feelings as it clearly has here.

If she calls everyone pet names, I agree it would probably be a hard habit to break, but it sounds to me like she's not making a concerted effort to try because she's thinks you're being silly.

I disagree with some of the previous posters in that I do NOT think you are overreacting. As someone else said it doesn't matter that she doesn't understand why it bothers you. The fact is that it does, and she should respect that fact and just stop. Unfortunately, I think you allowed the lines to get blurred when you didn't draw the line after the cuddling incident. (Sooooo disrespectful of her to do that!!)

Unfortunately, it's time for her to go. STAT. Women who respect each other, do not do things like that to one another, in my opinion. If you don't kick her out, I think you are setting yourself up for your friendship ending.

Tough situation, I'm sorry

yellowrose314 · August 2013

Viczaesar said:

Why do you/her say hunny instead of honey? Hunny is not a word.

Sorry, force of habit... damn text speak >.<

As to asking her to move out, not possible, as we all signed a lease together and are locked in until next February, so it's a tough situation. Not to mention that she is very tight with our landlord, we're all friends, but they're closer (and pretty sure they're sleeping together... but that's another story...). So that whole situation is pretty FUBAR'd... After the whole cuddling fiasco, we spoke about it, she apologized, I forgave her and that was the end of it. But this whole pet name thing kind of brought it up again, even though we had patched things up.

I have since sat down and talked with her after hearing all of your advice. I apologized for calling her out in front of our friends like that, and that I shouldn't have done that. She said she appreciated that but still felt like I was overreacting. I told her that even if that's how she feels I'm acting, we would appreciate if she would respect BOTH of our wishes that she stop calling DH pet names. I told her I understood that since she calls everyone pet names, it could be a hard habit to break but if she could make an effort I would really appreciate it and she agreed. (DH and I decided that I should be the one to talk with her, since it might seem like we're ganging up on her, and we didn't want her to feel like that because it could make things messier than they already are).

She said she honestly did not mean anything behind it, she in no way has romantic or lusty feelings for my husband, and only thinks of him as a friend and I honestly believe her when she says that. We have been friends for 4 years, and she's an amazing woman, I really don't want to lose her friendship. She's not a homewrecker, I think she just has some issues with boundaries. And I mentioned that to her, and she said in some ways she thinks she is overly affectionate, and she's working on that. So hopefully we can learn from this situation and continue to live together peacefully until DH and I have enough saved up to buy our own house and be on our own again.

For those of those wondering, yes it's weird that we have a roommate and married. Prior to moving in with A, we lived on our own, but in a house and area we were really unhappy in. We fully accessed the whole situation of having a roommate, and decided it was a sacrifice we were willing to make to be able to move into a nicer area/home, while still being able to put aside money for a down payment for our own home. We are on our way to doing that and should have the money saved up by next year when our lease expires

so there's a silver lining!

PhoneCardLady · August 2013

Sharpschruter22 said:

I get really pissed when people I don't know call me any of those names. I'm not your love, sweetheart, honey, etc. It is a huge pet peeve of mine and saying that she calls everyone pet names is not an excuse. I don't think you're overreacting at all. As a previous poster said, tell her I'm sorry you don't understand why it bothers us, but the fact remains that it bothers us so please don't do it.

I'm the same way, and I don't call anyone by a pet name (except my FI and vice versa). However, I do have manners and say please and thank you. Especially in retail/fast food. Irks the fire out of me!

Also, on a side note, I hate it when people ASSUME I'm married and call me Mrs. Please call me Ms X or my first name, or ask me what I would prefer to be called...

PhoneCardLady · August 2013

Viczaesar said:

Why do you/her say hunny instead of honey? Hunny is not a word.

In Pooh Bears world it's huny....LOL!

tesskerr · August 2013

Just want to say I don't find it that weird to be having flatmates when you are married. It is pretty common where I am from to help with expenses, even when you are married and own your home. The way this works successfully though is making sure there are boundaries that everyone is happy with, and it sounds like you are all good at that! Good luck, it is frustrating when things are strained at home.

bnrandall · August 2013

I am just like your roommate, so I am going to shed some light on her perspective in this. I call everyone names like hon, babe, sweetie, love, darling, etc. Male or female. It means nothing. There are no intentions behind it. It's just who I am, and everyone who knows me knows that I do it. I have never had a FI or g/f in our group of friends ever approach me about calling their SO a pet name...

That being said, if any of them ever did, I would be completely apologetic and refrain from using those names when addressing that person. But when you called her out in front of everyone, you probably embarrassed the hell out of her. And I'm sure it stung for her considering you ARE close and you know she calls you those names too. It's not like she's singling him out and coming on to him, and if she was, I'm sure she'd be more discreet than calling him pet names right in front of you and everyone else. If you feel uncomfortable with it, you have every right to tell her. But the way you handled it wasn't right. You know this girl, you should have shown her the respect of pulling her aside, not shaming her in front of your guests. Like a PP said, these names don't mean to her what it may mean to you. She did not call him a name to spite or disrespect you. I'm sure if you had handled it differently and showed her some respect, she would have shown you the respect of apologizing and the issue would have been dropped immediately.

ETA: spelling

yellowrose314 · August 2013

bnrandall said:

I am just like your roommate, so I am going to shed some light on her perspective in this. I call everyone names like hon, babe, sweetie, love, darling, etc. Male or female. It means nothing. There are no intentions behind it. It's just who I am, and everyone who knows me knows that I do it. I have never had a FI or g/f in our group of friends ever approach me about calling their SO a pet name...

That being said, if any of them ever did, I would be completely apologetic and refrain from using those names when addressing that person. But when you called her out in front of everyone, you probably embarrassed the hell out of her. And I'm sure it stung for her considering you ARE close and you know she calls you those names too. It's not like she's singling him out and coming on to him, and if she was, I'm sure she'd be more discreet than calling him pet names right in front of you and everyone else. If you feel uncomfortable with it, you have every right to tell her. But the way you handled it wasn't right. You know this girl, you should have shown her the respect of pulling her aside, not shaming her in front of your guests. Like a PP said, these names don't mean to her what it may mean to you. She did not call him a name to spite or disrespect you. I'm sure if you had handled it differently and showed her some respect, she would have shown you the respect of apologizing and the issue would have been dropped immediately.

ETA: spelling

I definitely see your point on the key issues here, namely calling her out in front of everyone. As I said, it was a gut reaction, and I have always been a headstrong react first kind of person; believe me, I know it's a terrible trait to have and I've gotten better about it, but this time it got the better of me. And I absolutely agree that had I NOT called her out publicly, it would have been a much simpler situation all around. I do wish I had not disrespected her like that, because I know if I had been in her situation, I would have been incredibly embarrassed.

However, in a way I do feel like she singled him out. I have never personally heard her call any of our other friends SO's pet names. I asked our mutual friend, who was there that night, if she's ever called her boyfriend a pet name, answer was no. We both came to the mutual realization that we've only ever heard her call single guys pet names. So that disturbed me a bit.

Update: As I said above, we talked one on one about the incident and made peace. However, when I was talking to my best friend, our mutual friend, about how we had figured everything out and exchanged apologies and how I was happy with the outcome, she brought to my attention a few... irregularities I guess you could call them. Such as A bringing up her, ahem, assets (boobs, I'm not going to lie, she has pretty big boobs) in conversation in a very "look at me" sort of way to my husband. Example, our friend (call her S), said she witnessed A and my husband playing badminton in the backyard, and A constantly remarking about how DH was distracted by her boobs, and in subsequent games, purposefully wearing low cut shirts, in A's own words "to distract him". S remarked that DH looked pretty perturbed, was definitely not looking at her rack, and stopped playing.

You're probably thinking I'm over thinking this, but yeah, it caught my attention. Then I started noticing that when A and I are home alone, she's bundled up (she gets cold pretty easy). When DH is around... not so much... it's like a parade of extremely low cut shirts, skimpy tank tops and short shorts. Yes it's summer and it's hot out, but why the sudden change when he's around? I honestly believed her when she said she didn't think of DH that way, but now I'm starting to wonder. I trust DH whole heartedly, I know for a fact he's never so much as looked at her in that way. But I'm starting to not trust her. Maybe she's still mad at me (rightly so, for calling her out publicly), and trying to get under my skin? But when I think back, and S as well, some of this stuff happened even before the pet name thing.

I'm really hoping I'm over thinking this... because honestly, A is one of my best friends, and I'm one of those people that has very few, truly best friends, as I'm one of those people to have few close friends rather than a million acquaintances. Losing her as a friend would break my heart, but I would not hesitate to end our friendship if it had anything to do with her trying to make a move on my husband. Honestly... any thoughts or advice would be much appreciated. If you think I'm over thinking this and blowing it out of proportion, please tell me. I feel like I'm going nuts >.<!! I always value all of your honesty.

bnrandall · August 2013

yellowrose314 said:

bnrandall said:

I am just like your roommate, so I am going to shed some light on her perspective in this. I call everyone names like hon, babe, sweetie, love, darling, etc. Male or female. It means nothing. There are no intentions behind it. It's just who I am, and everyone who knows me knows that I do it. I have never had a FI or g/f in our group of friends ever approach me about calling their SO a pet name...

That being said, if any of them ever did, I would be completely apologetic and refrain from using those names when addressing that person. But when you called her out in front of everyone, you probably embarrassed the hell out of her. And I'm sure it stung for her considering you ARE close and you know she calls you those names too. It's not like she's singling him out and coming on to him, and if she was, I'm sure she'd be more discreet than calling him pet names right in front of you and everyone else. If you feel uncomfortable with it, you have every right to tell her. But the way you handled it wasn't right. You know this girl, you should have shown her the respect of pulling her aside, not shaming her in front of your guests. Like a PP said, these names don't mean to her what it may mean to you. She did not call him a name to spite or disrespect you. I'm sure if you had handled it differently and showed her some respect, she would have shown you the respect of apologizing and the issue would have been dropped immediately.

ETA: spelling

I definitely see your point on the key issues here, namely calling her out in front of everyone. As I said, it was a gut reaction, and I have always been a headstrong react first kind of person; believe me, I know it's a terrible trait to have and I've gotten better about it, but this time it got the better of me. And I absolutely agree that had I NOT called her out publicly, it would have been a much simpler situation all around. I do wish I had not disrespected her like that, because I know if I had been in her situation, I would have been incredibly embarrassed.

However, in a way I do feel like she singled him out. I have never personally heard her call any of our other friends SO's pet names. I asked our mutual friend, who was there that night, if she's ever called her boyfriend a pet name, answer was no. We both came to the mutual realization that we've only ever heard her call single guys pet names. So that disturbed me a bit.

Update: As I said above, we talked one on one about the incident and made peace. However, when I was talking to my best friend, our mutual friend, about how we had figured everything out and exchanged apologies and how I was happy with the outcome, she brought to my attention a few... irregularities I guess you could call them. Such as A bringing up her, ahem, assets (boobs, I'm not going to lie, she has pretty big boobs) in conversation in a very "look at me" sort of way to my husband. Example, our friend (call her S), said she witnessed A and my husband playing badminton in the backyard, and A constantly remarking about how DH was distracted by her boobs, and in subsequent games, purposefully wearing low cut shirts, in A's own words "to distract him". S remarked that DH looked pretty perturbed, was definitely not looking at her rack, and stopped playing.

You're probably thinking I'm over thinking this, but yeah, it caught my attention. Then I started noticing that when A and I are home alone, she's bundled up (she gets cold pretty easy). When DH is around... not so much... it's like a parade of extremely low cut shirts, skimpy tank tops and short shorts. Yes it's summer and it's hot out, but why the sudden change when he's around? I honestly believed her when she said she didn't think of DH that way, but now I'm starting to wonder. I trust DH whole heartedly, I know for a fact he's never so much as looked at her in that way. But I'm starting to not trust her. Maybe she's still mad at me (rightly so, for calling her out publicly), and trying to get under my skin? But when I think back, and S as well, some of this stuff happened even before the pet name thing.

I'm really hoping I'm over thinking this... because honestly, A is one of my best friends, and I'm one of those people that has very few, truly best friends, as I'm one of those people to have few close friends rather than a million acquaintances. Losing her as a friend would break my heart, but I would not hesitate to end our friendship if it had anything to do with her trying to make a move on my husband. Honestly... any thoughts or advice would be much appreciated. If you think I'm over thinking this and blowing it out of proportion, please tell me. I feel like I'm going nuts >.<!! I always value all of your honesty.

The bold is where I would start to side eye her behavior. It's hard for me to say if this is just attention seeking behavior or she is truly singling out your husband. Either way, if it makes you uncomfortable, you have every right to feel that way. You can't help how you feel, and that's the bottom line. When I have a gut feeling, I sit on it for a few days until the dust settles. If my feelings from first reaction don't change, I trust them. You have to consider 2 things:

1. Approaching her. If you really feel like her interactions with your DH are over the line and more than just being comfortable with him as a friend, you should consider confronting the situation. Keep in mind that when you accuse someone of flirting/coming onto your husband, it will be awkward, may cause a rift, and you may lose a friendship. If I felt like a friend of mine was trying to start something with my FI, I wouldn't hesitate to end the friendship either. Just make sure that if you do approach her, you trust your gut enough on this to possibly lose a good friend.

2. New living situation. I think the worst part of this for you is that this woman lives under the same roof as you and DH. Even when you wholeheartedly trust him, living with a woman who may or may not want more than friendship with him is unsettling to say the least. Maybe it's time for you two to move on from living with a single roommate.

The best advice I can give you is just take a few days and really think about this. I really hope this all ends well for you. I know it's a tough spot to be in.

LavenderHoneyBee · August 2013

While this would annoy me too - I think you really embarrassed her by calling her out and you did in fact make it awkward.

Regardless, I think the root of this is that your living situation is really just not ideal or appropriate. This roommate should be able to wear what she wants in her own home and say what she wants. You are almost treating her like a guest in your marital home, and that's not how it is since you know - she pays rent.

If I were you, I'd start looking to move out and find someone to replace your and DH's share of the rent. You two need your own home.

PrettyGirlLost · August 2013

I don't think her behavior is appropriate, and I think that you should look into the legalities of breaking the lease early and finding a place of your own. Her behavior most likely will not change, but it will likely cause a strain in your friendship and eventually in your marriage.

Boundaries- your friend needs to figure out what they are and how to respect them. That's great if she wants to flirt and seek male attention. But she should be seeking it from unmarried men, not from your husband and definitley not while under your roof.

Again, this behavior is unlikely to change so you really should consider moving out. Go with your gut, but don't consult anymore friends and get a gossip whirlwind going.

RebeccaB88 · August 2013

I don't get why you are even remotely concerned about preserving this friendship, considering everything she's done. Friends don't do this to each other. Period.

PatriceC59 · August 2013

I'd retype all I wrote before, but its too tedious. I know you're trying to be the bigger person here and preserve a friendship, but its apparent, especially at this point, that you do not trust her. You are going to spend more time stressing about what she's doing around your husband when you're not there. Not cool. This girl should not be your roommate. Period. The end.

Girl, trust your gut!!!! You know something isn't right here. Don't ignore that feeling. It will bite you in the ass. I had to learn that the hard way

UPDATE: NER: Is it just me, or is this NOT ok...

Re: UPDATE: NER: Is it just me, or is this NOT ok...

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