cutting a bridesmaid

Valeriecruz82 · August 2013

Well my best friend is supposed to be a BM but back in June she missed my sons birthday party after promising she would make it then telling me around the time his party started she would not be coming. Well then a few weeks ago I asked her to come with me to Vegas for my scouting trip, she said yes she would go for sure so just a couple days after I book the room she tells me she can't go. Exactly 1 week before she tells me. Also I booked my room through price line and is non refundable. I really wanted her to be in my wedding but this girl has a history of being unreliable. Plus she lives 2 hours away and I feel like I just can't depend on her at all. After she canceled on me last night I'm really thinking of taking out of the wedding party.

UPDATE **

well my best friend has been texting me since last weekend but I hadn't replied until she text me today. I let her know that we think its best if she wasn't in the wedding party. Because of her issues with coming out here the past 3x. I told her I understand if she is upset by the decision but she is more then welcome to come to the wedding. She said it wasn't a problem coming out here but that's when I refreshed her memory on the dates she's missed. I told her I go for my 1st fitting in a couple weeks and we haven't even began to look at dresses since she's cancelled on us twice.

KikiMira · August 2013

She doesn't seem to be putting in a lot of effort. Sometimes people should just be guests at a wedding. Unreliable people make a wedding way more stressful for no reason.

Valeriecruz82 · August 2013

Yea she isn't. I know she's going to be upset with me but I know her this will happen again.

annathy03 · August 2013

I know you're disappointed and I agree it sucks she is bailed on your scouting trip and missed your sons birthday party. Just be sure to give this a LOT of thought, bc cutting a bridesmaid is often a friendship ending move, and at the very least will make interactions with her awkward for years.

Valeriecruz82 · August 2013

I know. I realize it can ruin our friendship but at the same time she doesn't seem to care much either. We've been best friends for 14 years but she moved 2 hours away about 5 years ago I guess maybe we just aren't as close as before.

[Deleted User] · August 2013

I have kind of a similar situation Valerie - except it's not for a bridesmaid, it's for a friend who really really wants to be a BM. She and I were really close in college but she's super flaky - I talked to her more when she lived across the country for 2 years than in the year she's been back in the same city.

She put forth a lot more effort temporarily when it became clear we weren't going to ask her to be a bridesmaid, but now I haven't seen her for a month again... I need to sit her down soon and be like "we'd love you to be at the wedding, and if you want to help with something, let us know... but our bridal party is set and we're just not close enough anymore"

Anyway, yeah I know how frustrating a situation you're in. Can you ask her to do something else for the wedding, like if you're doing readings for the ceremony, or as an "assistant" for the day? Maybe if you explain that you want to honor her the day of but obviously she's been too busy to really be there for you like you need her to be pre-wedding, she'll be less pissed.

[Deleted User] · August 2013

I agree with Missax. You never know someone's situation until you talk to them. My BFF missed out on my 30th bday and claimed she couldn't get a babysitter. Come to find out later down the line she didn't have gas or gift money. I told her she should've communicated with me. I didn't care about a gift and would have easily picked her up!

[Deleted User] · August 2013

@missax Wow, I am honestly a little taken aback that you think I'm being "rude" and making my BM's feel "obligated" when you really don't know me, my bridesmaids, or the entire situation.

My friend who I have to talk to has very much verbally objected to the fact that she's not a bridesmaid. Ignoring it is just going to make it worse, so I'm going to address it directly. Maybe you would handle it differently, and I respect that.

Yes, my bridesmaids do help me with decisions and things. If FI doesn't care about something (and I always ask him first), I ask them for their opinions. They gladly offer and would definitely let me know if I'm asking too much. Again, if your relationship with your bridesmaids is different, kudos to you.

I'm bowing out of this conversation now, sorry if I stepped on toes.

PreDempsey · August 2013

If I had known someone for 14 years and knew them to be unreliable I probably wouldn't have made them a bridesmaid in the first place. It's bad etiquette to kick someone out of your wedding party regardless.

jaime85120 · August 2013

Im kinda in the same boat as well my bm told me she was moving after I asked her to be in the wedding. Long story short during the move there was an unanticipated snag. So she put out a call for donations. I really didn't respect that and im wondering if I should cut her. I still have a year left but I thought it was in poor taste. Feel free to voice any opinions.

Valeriecruz82 · August 2013

Bad etiquette.. well maybe but I'm worried about her being reliable not about me using proper etiquette lol. This girl had reassured me she wouldn't have any issues being apart of all the wedding planning, well its already happened twice so I guess she isn't too worried about it so why should I just let her blow me off and everyone else involved. Etiquette is the last thing I'm worried about. On top of that she's criticized me for the amount of $ me and FI are putting into everything. I know its bad to take her out but I don't want to worry about all this for the next 8 months.

a13049 · August 2013

Jmo, but I don't think it is the bm responsibility to help plan your wedding. A bm responsibility is to get her dress and show up on the wedding day. Anything after that is a bonus. Without knowing the details of you conversations, maybe a scouting trip for your wedding just did fit with her schedule or finances. I'm not sure how specific it convo got, besides sure ill go. And not being able to come to your sons bday is irrelevant to the wedding party. I get you are dissappointed, but cutting bm comes off pretty bridezilla. Even if you agree to let her be a bm and she doesn't come, what are you out?

Valeriecruz82 · August 2013

That is what I mean by showing up to look at dresses. That is part of planning a wedding.

Valeriecruz82 · August 2013

Call me bride zilla. Bash my none "etiquette" I just don't think a person should say they will to commit to something if they have doubts. Its not right to flake a week before an important trip and expect it to be ok. Especially when I've been the one to pay for her room and transportation. I should change my screen name to bitchy bride zilla lol

KikiMira · August 2013

No way, I agree with you Valerie, if she said she will be there she should be there. Not flake. If she couldn't do it prior to agreeing on it than she should have told you that. I am a big fan of keeping your commitments. People like her make me mad!

jaime85120 · August 2013

Valerie if you have doubts maybe give her one more shot schedule a dress try on with her schedule in mind and if she shows give it a little more time if not axe her. Also sorry for hijacking your post.

Missax thats what irked me between the begging and the amount they were looking for $$$$$. I know they aren't in that tight of a spot. I know it sounds cold and cruel but I know her replace ment will be able to do what needs to be done I.e. show up. Im also thinking there is a lie somewhere just not sure whos doing it. I do appreciate your feedback though thanks

missmo14 · August 2013

Im probably not 'qualified' to comment cos im not having any bridesmaids. But I do think there is more to being a bridesmaid than just turning up on the day. Thats a wedding guest! BM are meant to support the bride. Some brides require more support than others so I think its unfair to judge on that.

Reliability is a huge deal. Ive cut vendors and lost deposits because of my perception that they would be unreliable. Yes cutting a bridesmaid is a friendship killer but cant you talk to her about it before deciding. Let her know how ur feeling, give her a chance to open up if there is something going on in her life. The etiquette gods may frown upon you heavily.... but you need to make the best decision for you.

vegasgroom · August 2013

So here's my opinions and experience based on the original question and other topics that have come up in this thread:

1) My wife, overwhelmed with the moment of getting engaged, asked two of her four BM's to be BM's the night we got engaged. She was a BM in one of their weddings, they all went to med school together and this also happened to be graduation day for med school so it was a big day even without the engagement added on. In hindsight, she wouldn't have asked them as they weren't super close to begin with, but with her and the other girl having been BM's in one's wedding, big graduation day, so on and so forth, she asked and they were happy to accept.

Fast forward three or four months and with med school over, all three were residents in different fields, they rarely hung out or talked. Anything related to wedding the two were indifferent. Appointments to get fitted for dresses (which we were paying for) were skipped or backed out of at the last minute. Texts asking about when they could go so my wife could set up new appointments for them were not replied to. Texts asking them when they planned to travel to Vegas (we paid for all our attendants rooms and needed the dates for that reason) were not replied to.

Anyway, my wife was stressing about the whole situation endlessly and she wanted to drop these two. It was made very clear to her both by the E board and me (I was not in favor of it) that dropping them would be rude and would likely ruin the friendships. She went ahead and did it, and that was indeed the final result. One of the girls backed out of attending, the other came, it was awkward, they haven't spoken since. We no longer go to events where we know the other girl (one moved away) will be there. So yes, dropping them did end the friendships pretty much immediately, but , well, they weren't really that great of friends to begin with in hindsight so perhaps not that big a loss.

However, my wife was SO much less stressed going forward, became happy about wedding stuff again and just had a much more positive outlook in general after eliminating something that had been bothering her continuously. So, with that being said, and in hindsight, I now support the decision where beforehand I was completely against it. Yes, it was rude, yes, I'm sure they talk about it and about her after the fact to themselves and other mutual friends, but after seeing the weight lifted, I can't say it was a bad decision; there's a limit to how far you should go making yourself miserable in the name of being polite.

Obviously this may be different for 'life long' friends who are dropped, so you have to weight the consequences and how much the person is really bugging you, if it will really matter whether they show up or not and if you really want to lose the friendship over it. Uneven sides are not a big deal. So, if you're not otherwise bothered a lot, maybe better to just leave her alone and if she doesn't show up or backs out of wedding day, then the friendship is over, but if she's just flaky, live with it if she's not otherwise a bother.

2) My opinion is that bridesmaids, and groomsmen, should be asked to do nothing more than get fitted for their clothing and asked for opinions on wedding topics. They are not servants, day of coordinators, etc. They do not have a 'job' to do, they are there to stand up with you on wedding day. I have seen brides and grooms give lists of 'duties', I judge that. I know it's always stated that they don't mind, we're great friends, so on and so forth; well, if they want to help, they'll volunteer, and if they do, then give them things to do, but don't expect it.

3) My opinion is that you're either in the wedding party or a guest. I don't like 'junior' anything, escorts or any other 'job' or title being given to people as some kind of feel good move. I'm not trying to be rude to anyone in the thread, just offering an opinion as someone who's been to numerous weddings and has formed an opinion on the subject based on that. Honestly, seeing a wedding program and people listed with non-BM/GM titles, and knowing all the parties involved, has more often than not fallen exactly in line with a best friend, better friend, friend, acquaintance pyramid; if you weren't good enough to make the top tier, you're gonna get some other title further down, and I don't think that's right. Honor those who are your closest, respect and thank everyone else who attends.

missmo14 · August 2013

missax said:

The only support you need for planning a wedding should come from your fiance as it his wedding too. You ask your friends to be a BM or GM because they are special guests, not free slave labor. If they want to help, that's great! If not, oh well.

Oh please @missax! None of the PP were even alluding to 'free slave labor'. Valerie paid for her BM accommodation for their scouting trip to Vegas. It was her company and support that she was after. My mum is coming to Vegas with me for my scouting trip for SUPPORT. Help with making decisions, generating ideas, providing advice. You know, kind of like the things this board is usually all about. If the only support brides needed in planning their wedding was from their fiancee well then I guess none us would be on here.

Enough with your exaggerations and hypocritical negativity! Even YOUR bridesmaids helped you out 'a lot' apparently. Sure it wasnt their obligation or their wedding - but they did it and they were reliable Im assuming. Im also assuming that because they were your 'special guests' they would have actually wanted or even enjoyed being involved and helping you where they could.

@Vegasgroom - Im glad the decision to cut her bridesmaids made your wife's wedding planning a lot less stressful. Shame about the friendships going sour but that would be expected.

@Valerie - Sorry you are going through such a hard time with your sister / BMs etc. Im sure you will work it all out and have a lovely day. Enjoy your scouting trip and the bridal expo.

Valeriecruz82 · August 2013

I had no idea this post would turn out the way it did. There are no "rules" written its all based on personal preference. I know BM aren't required to do anything but if a BM insists that she will do certain things with you or if she keeps canceling appointments for dress selections and or fittings then that's when I think you need to cut them off. In my case I've communicated at least 4-5 times about my concerns and she always reassures me she will be committed. But when it comes down to it her actions speak otherwise. I just feel like I've talked to her about it more then enough. I'm tired of being blown off.

jaime85120 · August 2013

Valerie im sure whatever you decide to do will be the right thing. As for broken friend ships yes it a shame but unfortunately that's what true friendship is about. Not who's going to wear an ugly purple dress but who will continue a friendship even though both of you haven't made the best choices. Our weddings will be beautiful no matter what we decide to do. They will even be perfect if we let them. Friendships are always forever if you want them to be, that's why we are all getting married

Valeriecruz82 · August 2013

Updated

cutting a bridesmaid

Re: cutting a bridesmaid

Choose Another Board

Search Boards