How do I include my 12 year old into the wedding party???

MairePoppy · July 2013

::sigh:: Well there you go again @LingerLonger1 making sense and being logical and all that.

Simply Fated · July 2013

kererie said:

@caseynewk - Thank you for not jumping down my throat about my request for ideas. I am like you and think marriage is something greater than a legally binding contract. I think it is the joining of two people in a lifelong commitment in the eyes of our family and friends and each other.

@nycbruin - what i let my son help me make decisions on is my choice as a parent - i didn't post a request for ideas on this board to have my parenting skills questioned But if there was a legit reason why my son stopped loving my FH then I would take that into consideration (ex: abuse, neglect). But I am sure in 2 years from now (when we have a full fledged teenager) our son is going to have days where he doesn't like either one of us. But that doesn't mean our family is going to break apart - it means we are going to have to work at becoming stronger than ever. I never said my son was part of the marriage, I said with the marriage he is joining myself and my fiances families in their whole - not as some seperate part or as a red-headed stepchild. And if you are saying that children are not part of a parents relationship then that is something you need to figure out - because I dont know any married couple who would consider their children as "outsiders" to the relationship or family dynamics.

To everyone else - grow up - this is a wedding site - not a place to debate religion or bash other people. It is just a place for brides to be, people who want to be brides, and wives to go and share ideas and support one another. If you want to debate find some place else.

The relationship you have with your significant other and the relationship you have with your child are different things. Your kids literally can't be a part of your relationship between you and your significant other. It's not only illegal, but it even goes against most churches. But they can certainly be a part of your entire family unit, though.

Social unit ≠ Family unit

Does that make a bit more sense? I'm just trying to see if we're on the same page.

OP, if your son decides he wants a divorce, then will you be okay with that? I really am just curious.

kererie · July 2013

@simplyfated - In my particular case, I have family that I was born into and family that I chose - the family I chose would be considered to someone who doesn't know my history as "a social unit" but to me they are my family and will always be treated as such - this is just my take (due to my own life experiences) "family doesn't have to mean sharing blood, its about sharing a bond"

Yes there is a difference between my relationship with my FH and our relationship with with our son - but as a family unit we are a package deal and each of us is bound by the "family" label. Therefore I dont feel like any parent could say that their kids aren't part of the relationship between each other - it is just a different aspect of the same relationship.

I have always strongly believed that when I get married - I will be marrying into another family unit (my FH's) and he will be marrying into my family unit, which my FH also agrees on - In this case, it is important to us to recognize that we are not only starting our lives together as man and wife, but also as a family: mom, dad and son.

Legally, a child can only emancipate themselves from their parents - there is no "divorcing" parents but if there was a reason that my son never wanted to have contact me (or our families) again, I would have to let him make that decision on his own. Of course, I would fight to try keep him as part of my family unit and won't love him any less for his decision. It's a part of life that sometimes families break up and to me that is just a harsh reality of life - I have cut ties with every member of my biological family except my parents and maternal grandmother. My family has learned to accept my reasons for it and it doesnt mean I still dont get the cards from them on holidays.

kererie · July 2013

StageManager14 said:

I think you're misunderstanding that a "social unit" is generally someone you have sex with. I seriously hope that no one would confuse the "family you chose" with a sexual life partner.

@stagemanager14 - I hold pretty true to the idea of not having sex with my friends (aka: my social unit as defined as: An individual, group, or community, considered as a discrete constituent of a society or larger group) which is how we have remained friends for so many years.

I belive that a family unit (as defined as family: primary social group; parents and children) are those people that are related by blood, marriage, or in my case held in higher regard than a typical member of my social unit.

So, no I dont believe I am confused about anything -

kererie · July 2013

In reality the definitions of things don't typically change based on which website is being used - a social unit is just that "social" and a familial unit is just that "family"

That doesnt change - or well it was pretty well explained that they didn't change during my sociology classes in college - maybe theknot should have been referenced in my texts because the posters here have their own definitions of words.

Good to know though, I will make sure to include textbook definitions for everything I post from now on. Thanks for the tip!

SKPM · July 2013

kererie said:

In reality the definitions of things don't typically change based on which website is being used - a social unit is just that "social" and a familial unit is just that "family"

That doesnt change - or well it was pretty well explained that they didn't change during my sociology classes in college - maybe theknot should have been referenced in my texts because the posters here have their own definitions of words.

Good to know though, I will make sure to include textbook definitions for everything I post from now on. Thanks for the tip!

FFS. "Social unit" does not refer to your social circle. In terms of wedding etiquette -- on this site and others (Google it, I dare you) -- social unit refers to a couple, meaning that they are invited to events together. It refers to two people who are married, engaged, dating, or otherwise consider themselves in a relationship with one another. It does not include your son. You appeared to misunderstand the use of the phrase; just own it and move on.

kererie · July 2013

No I am not going to own that a social unit is a married couple (or someone I am sleeping with as previously stated) - a married couple is a "family unit" it has been written in scholarly texts with the exact definitions that I posted about ... just because it is a wedding site doesn't change the definitions of a social concept...

It's like saying the definition of "premeditation" changes depending if someone is talking about murder or if they are talking about buying a car - no matter what premeditation is the planning of something - it doesn't matter the context of where it being used. You can premeditate murder and you can also premeditate the purchase of a car.

Just because theknot.com has decided to use the "social unit" in one way doesn't make it correct in society.

And I have a degree in sociology so I can send you the prints of my textbooks if that would help you.

NYCBruin · July 2013

kererie said:

No I am not going to own that a social unit is a married couple (or someone I am sleeping with as previously stated) - a married couple is a "family unit" it has been written in scholarly texts with the exact definitions that I posted about ... just because it is a wedding site doesn't change the definitions of a social concept...
It's like saying the definition of "premeditation" changes depending if someone is talking about murder or if they are talking about buying a car - no matter what premeditation is the planning of something - it doesn't matter the context of where it being used. You can premeditate murder and you can also premeditate the purchase of a car.
Just because theknot.com has decided to use the "social unit" in one way doesn't make it correct in society.
And I have a degree in sociology so I can send you the prints of my textbooks if that would help you.

Are you serious? Of course the same words can have different meanings in social settings. As a soon-to-be lawyer I can tell you that actually YES premeditation in court means one very specific thing that is not the same as its commonplace usage.

As for social unit, sure in scholarly articles it may mean one thing. But in the etiquette sense, it means a couple.

ETA for someone who claims to have a degree in sociology, I'm surprised that you didn't have to take a linguistics course.

SKPM · July 2013

kererie said:

No I am not going to own that a social unit is a married couple (or someone I am sleeping with as previously stated) - a married couple is a "family unit" it has been written in scholarly texts with the exact definitions that I posted about ... just because it is a wedding site doesn't change the definitions of a social concept...
It's like saying the definition of "premeditation" changes depending if someone is talking about murder or if they are talking about buying a car - no matter what premeditation is the planning of something - it doesn't matter the context of where it being used. You can premeditate murder and you can also premeditate the purchase of a car.
Just because theknot.com has decided to use the "social unit" in one way doesn't make it correct in society.
And I have a degree in sociology so I can send you the prints of my textbooks if that would help you.

If we're having an academic pissing contest, then I see your degree in sociology and raise you two masters degrees. None of which changes the fact that, while your son is clearly part of your family unit, he is not part of the marriage which will be commenced at your wedding.

CaseyNewk · July 2013

@kererie as I said before this is your wedding if your son wants to be part of the ceremony then please let him. There are alot of things you can do to so the unity of your family. there are Unity candle ceremonies as well as the unity sand. I've even shown my FH a bracelet that has a unity knot on it that he might give my son during the ceremony. Just cause there is a few on here that dont think its "right" doesnt mean its not. I've seen weddings that include children for a years now.

wittykitty14 · July 2013

Not that I want to fuel this anymore, but I wanted to add that long before coming to TK, I always believed that "social unit" meant the couple, and "family unit" meant the whole family. Even if you thought social unit meant something different, you can't blame TK for "inventing" what it means.

MairePoppy · July 2013

@CaseyNewk Her son said he wants to pick out the wedding cake.

No one said he shouldn't participate in the ceremony. Many people made suggestions: groomsman, bridesman, walk his mom down the aisle. I don't think anyone would object to your suggestion that he light the Unity Candle or do a reading. Kererie didn't think the gm role was appropriate because she doesn't think her son will understand that he can't go to the bp because he's not an adult.

The only thing that everyone objected to was the child saying vows - because he's not getting married and isn't capable (because he's a child, not because he has Aspergers) of making that commitment.

Once again, her son wants to pick out the cake.

CaseyNewk · July 2013

@MairePoppy

Her son only said he wanted to pick out the cake after she had posted the original posting. There have been several people that said her son shouldnt be part of the ceremony. Her son and my son are the same age and my son at first said he would do a reading during the ceremony til he realized that most of the people he wont know. So its not that he isnt capable of making a commitment its because "legal" he cant make it. heck my son has had the same gf since he was 4. And he will still tell you who it is to this day. So you cant say they cant make commitments.

jennylee813 · July 2013

Okay, I'm sooo late to the crazy train, but whatever...

OP, at 12 your son is not too young to be a groomsman. PPs have said that, I am restating. My DS is 13, and he will be walking me down the aisle. DD is 10, and she is a bridesmaid. If your son would like to walk you down the aisle and stand by your side, I think it's a lovely way to include him.

If he wants to pick the cake, give him a choice of half a dozen that you preselected. Everyone wins.

Now...

I am a single parent as well. My children get a say in the things we do, but ultimately I am the parent and I have final say. And I also know that it's tough when it's just you and them. The boundaries blur, and they get more of a say in the household than they should sometimes. But never forget that you are the parent.

Children need rules. Children on the spectrum need help understanding how to function in the 'real' world. Sometimes that means explaining to them the difference between being a child and being an adult (I'm referring to you not explaining to him that he can be a groomsman and not attend a bachelor party) Just because he read it online doesn't make it true. That's a conversation ALL parents have with their children.

I don't understand why you are attacking people who are trying to help you. Everyone agrees (and not just on this post, check out some others) that children have no business saying vows. They are not getting married. People gave you lots of good suggestions, and you jumped on the 'you-don't-have-a-child-like-mine' train.

You have no idea what the people on this forum are dealing with in their own personal lives. You're judging just as much as you accuse them of doing.

MairePoppy · July 2013

MairePoppy said:

His 'condition' has nothing to do with it. People with autism can make promises and get married. He shouldn't say vows because he is a child and he's not getting married.

kererie said:

Yes, we indeed have asked what he wants to do within the wedding - his response (in typical Asberger's fashion) was a 25 minute explanation of how he wants to pick the cake out. Nothing more and nothing less 25 minutes on the different types of wedding cakes.

So, we are still at a loss of how to include him, other than letting him pick out the cake - and we are praying it doesn't have Spongebob or 'Happy Birthday' written on it.

@CaseyNewk I don't think you read the entire thread carefully. I am well aware that people with autism can make commitments. I have a son who is on the autism spectrum. He just turned 32. I'm not new at this.

How do you know that she asked her son AFTER she read our responses? And what difference would that make? He wants to pick out the cake. That's the task that has meaning for him. If he was my son, that's the job I would give him and I'd make sure to tell him he chose the perfect cake.

No one said her son shouldn't be part of the ceremony. We said he shouldn't say vows. We would have said the same thing, whether he was disabled or not. He isn't getting married, so why should he or any third party say vows?

MairePoppy · July 2013

@jennylee813 I loved your response.

jennylee813 · July 2013

Thanks @MariePoppy!

s-aries8990 · July 2013

CaseyNewk said:

@MairePoppy

Her son only said he wanted to pick out the cake after she had posted the original posting. There have been several people that said her son shouldnt be part of the ceremony. Her son and my son are the same age and my son at first said he would do a reading during the ceremony til he realized that most of the people he wont know. So its not that he isnt capable of making a commitment its because "legal" he cant make it. heck my son has had the same gf since he was 4. And he will still tell you who it is to this day. So you cant say they cant make commitments.

If a couple was inviting the significant other of adults, would you request that his GF be invited? Just wondering.

Simply Fated · July 2013

s-aries8990 said:

CaseyNewk said:

@MairePoppy

Her son only said he wanted to pick out the cake after she had posted the original posting. There have been several people that said her son shouldnt be part of the ceremony. Her son and my son are the same age and my son at first said he would do a reading during the ceremony til he realized that most of the people he wont know. So its not that he isnt capable of making a commitment its because "legal" he cant make it. heck my son has had the same gf since he was 4. And he will still tell you who it is to this day. So you cant say they cant make commitments.

If a couple was inviting the significant other of adults, would you request that his GF be invited? Just wondering.

I was curious about this, too!

s-aries8990 · July 2013

Simply Fated said:

CaseyNewk said:

@MairePoppy

Her son only said he wanted to pick out the cake after she had posted the original posting. There have been several people that said her son shouldnt be part of the ceremony. Her son and my son are the same age and my son at first said he would do a reading during the ceremony til he realized that most of the people he wont know. So its not that he isnt capable of making a commitment its because "legal" he cant make it. heck my son has had the same gf since he was 4. And he will still tell you who it is to this day. So you cant say they cant make commitments.

If a couple was inviting the significant other of adults, would you request that his GF be invited? Just wondering.
I was curious about this, too!

INDIGO!

doeydo · July 2013

He can walk you down the isle. After that, he takes a seat.

FutureMrsBHarris · August 2013

My brother will be 13 by our wedding (Nov 2014) and has Asperger's (spelling is important!). He is highly uncomfortable being in front of people for more than a minute or two, so I asked that he be an usher. His is happy with the fact that he is involved, and will get to sit down for the ceremony.

My son on the other hand, will be almost 4 and will walk me down the aisle with my father.

rgronke · August 2013

My son who is 8 will be walking me down the aisle and then standing next to my FI, it's not his dad, but again closest thing to. My family keeps pressuring me to involve him, but he too falls on the autism spectrum and has some anxiety so it's not ideal for him to be more involved. He's super excited to be walking me down and he thinks it's pretty cool to be standing up next to FI. I think making him a jr. groomsman is fine as well, whatever he is comfortable doing.

kateu · August 2013

When I got married, it was just myself, my fiancee and my daughter, who is 13. We did include her in the vows, since I felt that she was formalizing her relationship with him. But there was no audience in our case. So if you feel that your son should be part of your ceremony, you could do a private exchange before or afterwards, where he won't feel in the spotlight, and then proceed with some of these other suggestions for the public forum.

I think that someone their age wants to be part of the ceremony, or at least be acknowledged as being special.

My two cents.

heidirs731 · August 2013

I think if he wants to pick out the cake, you should let that be his thing.

susieqrn · September 2013

My now 12 year old future step son has Tourrettes and we will be making a similar decision soon. He gets nervous really easy and tics start. I would love to have him included though, at whatever level he is comfortable with

iloveu4ever · September 2013

Best man or groomsmen

How do I include my 12 year old into the wedding party???

Re: How do I include my 12 year old into the wedding party???

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