MOH Wants to Bring Her Kids

becka31523 · August 2013

Hi everyone,

I have a bit of a dilemma. We didn't invite kids to our wedding, except for my nieces who are flower girls, because there are so many kids between my Fiance's family and mine. We also wanted to give parents the night off. So far this hasn't been an issue, until now. My Maid of Honor has a 3 year old and a 5 month old (ages at the time of the wedding) that she would like to bring to the wedding. I told her that we didn't invite kids because there were so many and that also I'm concerned she'd be busy with them and wouldn't be able to enjoy the wedding. She's now informed me that either her Mom or her husband would have to stay home with the kids if we decide she really can't bring them, but respects that it's my decision and my day. She's one of my best friends so I obviously don't want to ruin a friendship over something like this. However, it also bothers me that she tells me she respects my decision but also seems to be trying to guilt me into inviting the kids. I'm not sure how to handle this at all. I'm concerned that either she will be too busy with them to spend time with me at my wedding or that the baby will start crying during the ceremony and ruin our wedding video tape. Any advice???

MayDay513 · August 2013

becka31523 said:

Hi everyone,

I have a bit of a dilemma. We didn't invite kids to our wedding, except for my nieces who are flower girls, because there are so many kids between my Fiance's family and mine. We also wanted to give parents the night off. So far this hasn't been an issue, until now. My Maid of Honor has a 3 year old and a 5 month old (ages at the time of the wedding) that she would like to bring to the wedding. I told her that we didn't invite kids because there were so many and that also I'm concerned she'd be busy with them and wouldn't be able to enjoy the wedding. She's now informed me that either her Mom or her husband would have to stay home with the kids if we decide she really can't bring them, but respects that it's my decision and my day. She's one of my best friends so I obviously don't want to ruin a friendship over something like this. However, it also bothers me that she tells me she respects my decision but also seems to be trying to guilt me into inviting the kids. I'm not sure how to handle this at all. I'm concerned that either she will be too busy with them to spend time with me at my wedding or that the baby will start crying during the ceremony and ruin our wedding video tape. Any advice???

[Deleted User] · August 2013

Could the be a happy compromise? Let the husband and her mother come with the kids to the ceremony, one adult to each kid. Have them seatted so that if one of the kids gets a restless, one of them can exit out easily without being noticed. To deal with the reception, again, husband & mom would be there to handle the kids & maybe mom could leave w/kids after dinner leaving husband & MOH to enjoy the rest of the night.

Other suggestion, if you have any friends/co-workers that have babysitters that they love, see if you can get the persons name. Maybe they could try the sitter out a few times before the wedding to see how it goes. Then if that works out, they could use that sitter then for at least the reception portion of the day.

dcbride86 · August 2013

Do you know of any babysitters in the area? My fiance and I are planning on hiring a couple of babysitters if this issue arrises, which we will pay for. That way, people don't have to worry about making arrangements, and we won't feel bad about only inviting children of those in our immediate families.

southernbelle0915 · August 2013

I don't see how this is any different from a guest calling up the bride and asking to add people to their RSVP. If I weren't even making exceptions for my family, I would not make exceptions for these children.

If it were my close friend and/or MOH, I would offer to pay for a babysitter of her choice so that her husband and her mom (I'm assuming her mom is invited) can come. If she declines your offer then that's her choice.

antibride2013 · August 2013

I would really like to know why everyone that has decided to have "no kids" automatically says "we want to give the parents the night off!" like a HUGE favor is being done for the guests. Newsflash- Some parents don't need a night off.

OP-she is your MOH. Obviously she is a GREAT friend. This really is a non issue. Let her bring her children. How much has she done for you already? Time to pay your MOH back and thank her for being there for you.

misssunshine17 · August 2013

The issue with hiring baby sitters is many people don't want to leave their kids with a random stranger you pick. I think you need to let her bring her children. Your argument is invalid because she's an adult and can make the decision if she wants to handle the kids.

Jen4948 · August 2013

misssunshine17 said:

The issue with hiring baby sitters is many people don't want to leave their kids with a random stranger you pick. I think you need to let her bring her children. Your argument is invalid because she's an adult and can make the decision if she wants to handle the kids.

This allows everyone with a kid to emotionally blackmail anyone who issues them an invitation that doesn't include their kids to force those hosting to invite their kids-regardless of the event.

Parents need to "get" that their kids aren't invited everywhere they are, and they have no right to expect it. They can decline invitations that don't include their kids, but they do not have the right to force their hosts to include them.

elizabetheleven · August 2013

misssunshine17 said:
The issue with hiring baby sitters is many people don't want to leave their kids with a random stranger you pick. I think you need to let her bring her children. Your argument is invalid because she's an adult and can make the decision if she wants to handle the kids.

I've been seeing a lot of this lately. I would not want someone else to find a sitter for my children. And I would not feel comfortable leaving them with someone I don't know. And my children are older (7&9)! When my boys were that young(5 months) I would absolutely not allow some random person to watch them.

Also, I don't need a night off from my kids. I love being with them. That's a huge assumption to make.

misssunshine17 · August 2013

Jen4948 said:

misssunshine17 said:

The issue with hiring baby sitters is many people don't want to leave their kids with a random stranger you pick. I think you need to let her bring her children. Your argument is invalid because she's an adult and can make the decision if she wants to handle the kids.

This allows everyone with a kid to emotionally blackmail anyone who issues them an invitation that doesn't include their kids to force those hosting to invite their kids-regardless of the event.

Parents need to "get" that their kids aren't invited everywhere they are, and they have no right to expect it. They can decline invitations that don't include their kids, but they do not have the right to force their hosts to include them.

I don't think it's OPs job to 'give parents the night off.' Should could invite children of the WP (I would not leave my child at 5 months. Period.) with a clear cutoff and be done with it. If OP doesn't invite the kids, fine. She's not obligated to, but she needs to weigh the decision since it could change her friendship.

melbelleup · August 2013

becka31523 said:

I'm concerned that either she will be too busy with them to spend time with me at my wedding or that the baby will start crying during the ceremony and ruin our wedding video tape. Any advice???

Ouch. that burns even from where I'm sitting. Just because she is a mother and would like her kids to attend it doesn't mean she won't have time for you. Also, kids cry,laugh,fuse just as much as anyone else. My brother's kid fussed during my cousin's wedding and my brother left the room with him until he calmed down. Weddings are meant to be enjoyed, not to net pick worrying about a baby crying. That being said, she told you it is up to you. If you don't want the kids because she'll be in mommy mode or you don't want them to cry then tell her that you're sorry, but if you open it up to her kids it will offend your family that couldn't bring their children. And then accept the fact that her husband or mom may not be at your wedding because of this decision. And she will most likely not have as much fun as she would of with her husband and/or mom missing. And will probably leave early.

Simply Fated · August 2013

It comes across as sanctimonious when you decide for the guest that they'll enjoy the evening better without the kids.
So drop that excuse. Don't use it, give it or say it.

Having said that, if kids aren't invited, they're not invited. Her mom or husband can stay home to watch them or she can hire someone. Having kids comes with having to make decisions like that.

southernbelle0915 · August 2013

antibride2013 said:

I would really like to know why everyone that has decided to have "no kids" automatically says "we want to give the parents the night off!" like a HUGE favor is being done for the guests. Newsflash- Some parents don't need a night off.

OP-she is your MOH. Obviously she is a GREAT friend. This really is a non issue. Let her bring her children. How much has she done for you already? Time to pay your MOH back and thank her for being there for you.

We decided to not have children at our wedding. We did not say "we want to give parents the night off." We said, "It's a personal choice, thanks for understanding." when asked about it. So newsflash - it's not cool to generalize people who make a particular choice.

misssunshine17 said:

The issue with hiring baby sitters is many people don't want to leave their kids with a random stranger you pick. I think you need to let her bring her children. Your argument is invalid because she's an adult and can make the decision if she wants to handle the kids.

Whereas I agree with you at the OP's argument of "you'll be busy with the kids" isn't a good one, the MOH's argument of "if they can't come, then my husband or mom can't either" also isn't a good one. 1) MOH could arrange for childcare for her own children, 2) MOH could find a babysitter 3) the OP could offer to pay for a babysitter of the MOH's choosing, etc.

I feel like it's super unfair to make this the OP's problem. I'm really surprised people are on board with telling her she needs to invite these kids.

nsweare · August 2013

I'm surprised people are telling OP to invite the kids as well. Seriously, I had NO problem leaving my 5mo old daughter at home with a sitter/family member. If I would have a problem with that request I wouldn't agree to be in the wedding.

grumbledore · August 2013

FloridaBride27 said:

Seriously? So what is she supposed to do, hire a babysitter? I'm sure she is already spending a small fortune to attend your wedding so I wouldn't be shocked if a babysitter is out of the question, especially with a 5mo old. She doesn't sound like she is guilting you, she just told you all if her options. You feel guilty on your own accord. If not having kids is a huge deal to you then just tell her but know that either her mom or husband is staying home.

Ummm... yes? That's what people with kids do when they go somewhere without their kids. That's how it works.

RebeccaB88 · August 2013

You are under no obligation to include the children. I agree that I think she wants you to let her bring them. But, 'I don't have a sitter' isn't the same as 'I refuse to use sitters'. Part of not using sitters is understanding that it might make you miss lots of important events. That's life. If your MOH let's it affect your friendship, that is because she let it. Her kids, her problem. I agree with the poster who said that it was rude of her to ask to bring them when she knew they weren't invited. It sounds like she has acceptable options. Let her figure out which one to use. You don't have to make an exception for her.

LakeR2014 · August 2013

Ok coming from another no-kid wedding person....

I can understand where the OP is coming from as I have a similar situation. Yes, it'd be great to just let the kids come and have the mom and hubby take care of them, but what if another reason the OP is nicely not stating is that, the parents don't exactly 'parent' well. As in they believe 'children shouldn't be restricted' and should be allowed to run and roam where and how they will?

It's nice to say let them bring the kids - but you're assuming they'd take CARE of the kids....at a lot of weddings I've been to that's not the case, and in reference to my BM, while I love her dearly, her and I differ on her parenting skills, which is a reason why I won't relent on having her children there.

grumbledore · August 2013

nsweare said:

I'm surprised people are telling OP to invite the kids as well. Seriously, I had NO problem leaving my 5mo old daughter at home with a sitter/family member. If I would have a problem with that request I wouldn't agree to be in the wedding.

This. I think it's ridiculous that so many are telling OP to let this woman decide who is invited to her wedding. No kids means no kids. A 5 month old can deal with a few hours with a babysitter. I'm sure MOH has a friend or relative who isn't invited to the wedding. FFS.

antibride2013 · August 2013

I am curious OP- Did your MOH know there was to be no kids at the wedding when you asked her to be the MOH?

Jessa617 · August 2013

I am surprised at all the people telling OP she should suck it up and let the kids come. I've seen plenty of threads where a guest wants to bring their child and everyone tells them "Just tell them sorry, there are no kids invited, if that means you can't make it then I'll miss you".

Why all of a sudden is this different? If OP doesn't want kids at the wedding, then that is her personal decision. If one person can bring their kids then there could potentially be a domino effect.

OP- Let MOH know that you hope she can find a babysitter so that she can attend the wedding. If the 5 month old is strictly nursing (no formula and no solid food), then technically the 5mo should be able to come. I can't imagine that the only two people in MOH's life is her husband and her mother, no other family members? Friends? Nobody?

PrettyGirlLost · August 2013

Simply Fated said:

It comes across as sanctimonious when you decide for the guest that they'll enjoy the evening better without the kids. So drop that excuse. Don't use it, give it or say it. Having said that, if kids aren't invited, they're not invited. Her mom or husband can stay home to watch them or she can hire someone. Having kids comes with having to make decisions like that.

All of this :-)

s-aries8990 · August 2013

Jessa617 said:

I am surprised at all the people telling OP she should suck it up and let the kids come. I've seen plenty of threads where a guest wants to bring their child and everyone tells them "Just tell them sorry, there are no kids invited, if that means you can't make it then I'll miss you".

Why all of a sudden is this different? If OP doesn't want kids at the wedding, then that is her personal decision. If one person can bring their kids then there could potentially be a domino effect.

OP- Let MOH know that you hope she can find a babysitter so that she can attend the wedding. If the 5 month old is strictly nursing (no formula and no solid food), then technically the 5mo should be able to come. I can't imagine that the only two people in MOH's life is her husband and her mother, no other family members? Friends? Nobody?

That's because several of the very regular posters were either banned or have left because of some corporate bullshit.

OP - I too would like to know if MOH knew that it was a no-kids wedding earlier on in the planning process.

Is her mother also invited to the wedding? If she isn't, I don't see why it would be a problem if Mom watched MOH's kids...

I'd offer to pay for a babysitter of her choice for the night, if you feel generous, but you aren't under any obligation to do so.

Please note, however, that this may put a bit of a damper on your friendship because MOH does sort of seem to want her kids there, based on your posts. - It SHOULDN'T, but emotions aren't as cut and dry as other things in life. If it ends up that MOH's mom has to watch the kids, see if you can send MOH's mom a thank you note.

misssunshine17 · August 2013

Simply Fated said:

It comes across as sanctimonious when you decide for the guest that they'll enjoy the evening better without the kids. So drop that excuse. Don't use it, give it or say it. Having said that, if kids aren't invited, they're not invited. Her mom or husband can stay home to watch them or she can hire someone. Having kids comes with having to make decisions like that.

I don't think I'm being clear. I agree with the above statement. I am not saying that she needs to invite the kids, I am saying that if she doesn't, it could change her friendship. I know that's not something I'd want to do, so I think my first post reflected that.

I also think 'giving parents the night off' is a shitty excuse. Just own you don't want kids there.

Jen4948 · August 2013

misssunshine17 said:

Jen4948 said:

misssunshine17 said:

The issue with hiring baby sitters is many people don't want to leave their kids with a random stranger you pick. I think you need to let her bring her children. Your argument is invalid because she's an adult and can make the decision if she wants to handle the kids.

This allows everyone with a kid to emotionally blackmail anyone who issues them an invitation that doesn't include their kids to force those hosting to invite their kids-regardless of the event.

Parents need to "get" that their kids aren't invited everywhere they are, and they have no right to expect it. They can decline invitations that don't include their kids, but they do not have the right to force their hosts to include them.

I don't think it's OPs job to 'give parents the night off.' Should could invite children of the WP (I would not leave my child at 5 months. Period.) with a clear cutoff and be done with it. If OP doesn't invite the kids, fine. She's not obligated to, but she needs to weigh the decision since it could change her friendship.

I don't think it's about "giving parents the night off." I think it's about not wanting to have to assume the costs, liabilities, and other issues involved with inviting the children.

I do think it's reasonable for her to expect the MOH to find someone to babysit her kids that she can trust, rather than expecting her to allow her to bring her kids. That could be her mother, her husband, or someone else, but for the person I was responding to to say "You have to let her bring her kids" simply because she refuses to find her own babysitter is IMO wrong.

elizabetheleven · August 2013

As a parent I would never assume my children were invited toa wedding. And quite honestly I'd prefer to attend without them.
Making the choice of sitter is no one else's but the parent. It is the MOH's responsibility to find someone. No one is obligated to invite children to a wedding.

However I think using the excuse that parents may want a night off is a cop out

itzMS · August 2013

We didn't invite children (only had the parents' names on the invitations)...and people still showed up with their kids.

Some people just can't understand why on earth their special snowflake wasn't invited.

I know this firsthand, because my mom had me later in life (I'm an only child) and was this way with me. She took me EVERYWHERE, and looking back...I was the only kid at most of these events.

MayDay513 · August 2013

itzMS said:

We didn't invite children (only had the parents' names on the invitations)...and people still showed up with their kids.
Some people just can't understand why on earth their special snowflake wasn't invited.
I know this firsthand, because my mom had me later in life (I'm an only child) and was this way with me. She took me EVERYWHERE, and looking back...I was the only kid at most of these events.

A couple that was invited to our wedding, who didn't even have children decided to randomly bring their niece.

CrazyCatLady3 · August 2013

FloridaBride27 said:

Seriously? So what is she supposed to do, hire a babysitter? I'm sure she is already spending a small fortune to attend your wedding so I wouldn't be shocked if a babysitter is out of the question, especially with a 5mo old. She doesn't sound like she is guilting you, she just told you all if her options. You feel guilty on your own accord. If not having kids is a huge deal to you then just tell her but know that either her mom or husband is staying home.

Um, what's wrong with hiring a babysitter in order to attend an adult function?

southernbelle0915 · August 2013

IMO, the take away here is that, from an etiquette perspective, you are not obligated to invite these children (which is why I was surprised with the advice given by others). Parents are responsible for arranging childcare for their children when they attend events to which their children are not invited. Period. It goes with the territory of having children.

From a friend perspective, I think it's smart to offer to pay for a 'sitter of her choice. Otherwise, I think it's fine to tell her that, unfortunately, you can't make exceptions for the children of anyone in your family and you can't do the same for her.

If the OP were to say, "well, you're my MOH, so go ahead and bring the kids"... how is OP's cousin or aunt or other relative going to feel when they realize exceptions were made for another family but not theirs? Sure, OP might be avoiding "changing the relationship" (which is ridiculous, btw) with her MOH, but wouldn't she be changing the relationship with anyone else who wanted to bring their kids but were polite and did not ask? Well hell, I guess there's no way to invite who you want without changing relationships (*sarcasm*).

Ajuliana · August 2013

huynhette said:

itzMS said:

We didn't invite children (only had the parents' names on the invitations)...and people still showed up with their kids.
Some people just can't understand why on earth their special snowflake wasn't invited.
I know this firsthand, because my mom had me later in life (I'm an only child) and was this way with me. She took me EVERYWHERE, and looking back...I was the only kid at most of these events.

A couple that was invited to our wedding, who didn't even have children decided to randomly bring their niece.

That is awesome, in a "I am in awe of the balls you must have to have done that."

ceceibson · August 2013

In my mind, there's a clear difference between a guest asking to bring her children and a member of the wedding party asking bring her children. You have asked this woman to do something for you. Something that is taking her away from her family. She agreed to stand up for you but like another poster I wonder whether she knew at the time that her children would not be invited to the wedding.

If I agreed to be a MOH and later learned that (1) my children weren't invited and (2) my only option for child care was to leave my husband at home with the children, I would stand by my commitment as MOH but I wouldn't be happy about it.

But, I do agree that the OP and her FI get to decide whether children are included and that excluding these children would not be a breach of etiquette, per se. And, honestly, if I were the bride and allowed the MOH to bring her kids, I just can't see my family members or friends questioning why they're kids weren't invited. These will clearly be the children of the MOH and most adults will recognize the distinction.

I do question the OP's concerns about the presence of these children detracting from the wedding or the MOH's commitment or attention to the proceedings at hand. Trust me, as a mother and grandmother of 12, I have no problem at all minding my young ones and giving my full attention to everything that's going on around me. I would trust your MOH to do the same.

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