Maids that won't listen

Simply Fated · August 2013

It's just hair dye. If she's doing it for attention, then let her. At the end of the day, it's just hair.
My friend's cousin dyed her hair an atrocious color when she was was a bridesmaid in a wedding. It looks ridiculous, but it looks like HER. She is who she is, take her or leave her. It's just hair.

heidirs731 · August 2013

I don't think I'm getting across that it's not the hair dye that's the issue. Personally, I would be shocked (because my BM's aren't into that kind of thing), and I would be a little offended they didn't ask how I felt about it first. But you are all correct that it is just hair.

The problem is that this BM the OP mentioned seems to have deliberately dyed her hair to get back at the bride because she didn't get what she wanted. This seems like extremely immature and childish behavior.

KeptInStitches · August 2013

Yeah, it's immature and childish - if it's really why she did it. Not doubting OP, but there are always 3 sides - bride's side, BM's side, and the truth. Considering the amount of drama, truth may be a little bit further from deliberately pissing off the bride.

MissMolly · August 2013

zitiqueen said:

amazonkit said:

I have three bridesmaids, two of which are best friends and plan stuff without my third. They do try to include her but I feel like she gets forgotten about. The two just refuse to listen to anything that I want, and I do state my mind. They keep doing their own thing and my third even tries to tell them to back off and listen to what I say. I don't know what else to do since I've already been blunt and had my third get involved.
Where I'm from we do a fundraiser for the couple that helps pay for the wedding. It's a big party with silent auction prizes and crazy cheap alcohol. Usually family and friends (including bridal party) help the couple financially, either buying prizes or alcohol, with the couple paying for most of the event. The same two girls are refusing to spend any of their money to help with this event. They're not paying for anything for my wedding other than their shoes, as I'm paying for everything (dress, hair, makeup, etc). Is it wrong for me to be upset with them for this? If not, how do I approach them?

Help
Are you Canadian?

Wow, that was rude and presumptuous. I'm Canadian, and I've never in my life heard of, or would participate in a wedding fundraiser. I would personally be offended to be expected to contribute to someone's wedding in such a way. Why would you think that this is a Canadian thing? Yes, we do things differently up here, but that's just the way it's done. Yes, we had a few hours between our ceremony and reception, which the US people consider horrible, but that's the way it's done here. Before coming to these boards, I had actually never heard of wedding subsidizing and dollar dances. The fundraiser is a new thing too.

MissMolly · August 2013

zitiqueen said:

This is common in some parts of Canada, namely Ontario.

Yeah, I've never heard of this, and I'm Canadian and have family spread all over the country.

heidirs731 · August 2013

LeSwan85 said:
As for the parties the bride can't attend - you're inserting a lot of what ifs in here. So they may be people who won't take "no" for an answer. So, what, you want us all to just assume this is the case and nod along and tell someone trying to get her guests to foot the bill for her wedding reception "you're right sweetie, it's YOUR special day, how dare other people have a different sense of decency and assume they have the right to do what they want with their own bodies!"

Yeah, no. Sorry. You're giving far more benefit of the doubt than I think is really due here.

I don't see how I'm inserting what ifs. She already stated she had told them no. I also don't see how her having a fundraiser (considered perfectly fine in her community/culture) automatically makes her a horrible person and she has to be attacked for every other issue she's having. If someone else was having an issue with a bitchy BM, there'd at least be some form of support along the lines of "you're right, but there's nothing you can do." But no, everyone freaks out and decides a fundraiser is the most horrible thing this girl can do, so the best thing anyone can say is how immature and selfish she is.

You know, there's wedding etiquette, and then there's the etiquette of having a conversation with someone.

My point being that people could have asked clarifying questions to get a fuller account of what was going and actually offered some advice even if it was negative instead of just being rude and immature ourselves and telling her she needed to grow up and get over herself all because people got all bent out of shape over a fundraiser that was perfectly acceptable where she was from and we had no right to attack her over.

Simply Fated · August 2013

heidirs731 said:
I don't think I'm getting across that it's not the hair dye that's the issue. Personally, I would be shocked (because my BM's aren't into that kind of thing), and I would be a little offended they didn't ask how I felt about it first. But you are all correct that it is just hair.

The problem is that this BM the OP mentioned seems to have deliberately dyed her hair to get back at the bride because she didn't get what she wanted. This seems like extremely immature and childish behavior.

You JUST asked if anyone would seriously not care if any of our bridesmaids dyed their hair.
We seriously would not care, despite the intentions. It's just hair.

Dreamergirl8812 · August 2013

heidirs731 said:

Are you seriously saying that you wouldn't care at all about a BM dying their hair bright purple/orange/green/whatever for your wedding? You wouldn't care at all?

Yes, it's her hair, and she can do whatever she wants with it. But if it were me, I would at least have the decency to go, "You know, this is my best friend's wedding. Maybe she doesn't want me to have bright orange hair in her photos."

If one of my best friends went on and on about how she wanted to wear a purple dress for my wedding, and purple just didn't go with our colors, and she decided she was going to dye her hair bright purple for the wedding just so she could get her way, I would consider her a spoiled brat. If she's willing to act like a 2 year old just so she can wear her favorite color, I'm willing to bet this BM has other selfish tendency's as well. This is not someone I would want to have a friendship with since they clearly don't care about the bride or her wishes on a day that is supposed to hold tremendous importance.

I honestly don't see how this isn't considered to be the rudest thing on the planet, not to mention the equivalent of a 2-year-old tempter tantrum. "Wah! I didn't get the color I wanted! Screw you! I'll dye my hair that color instead!"

And at the suggestion of just telling the BMs "no, I don't want those parties," has no one ever met someone who did not take no for answer? "Oh, well, of course you don't really mean that! I'll just plan this party for you anyway. I know that's what you really want" (insert sarcastic sweetness). No one has ever met anyone like this? The OP said she already told them no and they are still going along with it.

Sounds like these BMs really don't care about what the bride wants and is going on and planning things way they want them to do be. And this is not considered rude either?

Pot, meet kettle.

shannyb41 · August 2013

This whole thing hurts my head.

The tradition is rude. Bottom line. Now you can choose to still do it...but we will still say that it is rude.

You cannot boss your BM's around. You are not their mother. They are adults. If they are throwing parties that you do not want to attend just tell them they are not attending. But don't get made that they are taking the time to plan something nice for you. It makes you sound like a brat.

Between that and your fundraising tradition....I can't even.

MoniqueAbrahamsen · August 2013

Woah, I just read the OP and I'm shocked! You want people to pay for your wedding? What? You are upset that the bridesmaids aren't paying for your wedding? I've never heard of this. Mine only paid for their dresses and shoes. That's it.

SBmini · August 2013

Etiquette is not universal. Just because something would be rude somewhere, doesn't mean it is rude somewhere else. And just because a tradition doesn't meet your standards doesn't mean you are better than the other person.

Seriously- you guys are spending so much time fixating on the tradition that you ignored helping a fellow bride with a problem. Ostracizing a bride because her 'rude' wedding traditions are different from yours is the very definition of rude.

She hasn't posted since August 9. Congratulations everyone, you succeeded in scaring someone else away. Perhaps if you hadn't been so rude in sharing your opinions on her tradition, she'd still be around, taking your advice, and canceling the fundraiser. Too late for that now.

southernbelle0915 · August 2013

SBmini said:

Etiquette is not universal. Just because something would be rude somewhere, doesn't mean it is rude somewhere else. And just because a tradition doesn't meet your standards doesn't mean you are better than the other person. Better? Who said they were better than anyone?

Seriously- you guys are spending so much time fixating on the tradition etiquette faux pas that you ignored helping a fellow bride with a problem. Ostracizing a bride because her 'rude' wedding traditions are different from yours is the very definition of rude. If you tell me you're going to drown your FH and ask me whether I think a pool or a lake is better, I'm going to tell you not to drown your H. You can get mad all you want that I didn't simply answer "lake" or "pool", but if I see that you're about to do something I think is wrong, I am going to tell you. If you come to the a PUBLIC wedding forum, asking people how to "make maids listen" when you want them to pay for your wedding...well, people are going to say "no one needs to raise the funds for your wedding except you."

No one ignored her problem. No one. People addressed it. In fact, people addressed each piece of it (go back and read). They addressed it so thoroughly that they even advised her to avoid asking her friends to help pay for her wedding (which is rude).

She hasn't posted since August 9. Congratulations everyone, you succeeded in scaring someone else away. Perhaps if you hadn't been so rude in sharing your opinions on her tradition, she'd still be around, taking your advice, and canceling the fundraiser. Too late for that now. You have absolutely no basis for this conclusion.

MobKaz · August 2013

SBmini said:

Etiquette is not universal. Just because something would be rude somewhere, doesn't mean it is rude somewhere else. And just because a tradition doesn't meet your standards doesn't mean you are better than the other person.

Seriously- you guys are spending so much time fixating on the tradition that you ignored helping a fellow bride with a problem. Ostracizing a bride because her 'rude' wedding traditions are different from yours is the very definition of rude.

She hasn't posted since August 9. Congratulations everyone, you succeeded in scaring someone else away. Perhaps if you hadn't been so rude in sharing your opinions on her tradition, she'd still be around, taking your advice, and canceling the fundraiser. Too late for that now.

I am getting so flipping tired of some new poster vaguely referencing how "another" poster has been scared away. Unless someone is keeping a tally, you have NO basis on which to make this statement.

Let's talk about assumptions. It seems to be another buzzword among the new posters. YOU assume amazonkit is cowering somewhere in a corner. Do you know if she deleted her account? I can make assumptions, too.

I will assume that amazonkit read the madness on this thread. She saw the absurdity of arguments made by new posters that don't know the definition of etiquette. In reading the logical, coherent, and appropriate responses from experienced posters, amazonkit had an epiphany. She is spending time apologizing to people she offended and hurt. She is spending time working to earn money to pay for her own wedding. And, shockingly, hopefully, you are correct about one factor in your assumption, SBmini.......amazonkit may in fact be using some of this time to cancel the tacky, inappropriate, etiquette disaster that is a fundraiser!

crunchymamaof2 · August 2013

@heidirs731 I don't care how "community building" this stupid fundraiser may be, if YOU can't pay for YOUR wedding, you don't have one. It's plain and simple. Around here they're called Jack and Jills and yes they're very popular. I really don't get why you're having such a hard time grasping the concept that asking other people to pay for your wedding is rude. You can go ahead and think it's fine all you want, but your opinion doesn't negate the fact that it's still rude.

Etiquette IS universal. This is what I don't understand. Etiquette is about treating people kindly and with respect. Trying your best to host your friends and family properly without offending or upsetting them. Being a gracious person. What is so wrong with that? The only people I see getting crazy defensive are those who are being rude to their family and friends. Before coming here I was planning on doing a lot of rude things at our upcoming wedding. Was I a little embarrassed and a bit defensive? Of course. But then when I really read what they were saying it sunk it. I'd rather being embarrassed on this board than in front of those closest to me because we were bad hosts.

It's just not a hard concept and I don't get why some of you fight it so badly. There are plenty of other places that preach the same etiquette as the women on here. They've never said they were better than anybody. They've even admitted their own etiquette mistakes. So why try to burn them at the stake for trying to help others?

As for the purple hair BM. Would I maybe cringe inside? Probably. But if she's my bridesmaids it means she's one of my closest closest friends. Its fricken hair. And if she was doing it to spite me then I blame myself- I must have treated her pretty rotten for her to stoop to that level. And if said BM isn't a close friend well then that's the bride's fault. No one can force you to have a certain person as a BM and if you give in it's on you.

mimiphin · September 2013

Aleshad1978 said:

zitiqueen said:

amazonkit said:

I have three bridesmaids, two of which are best friends and plan stuff without my third. They do try to include her but I feel like she gets forgotten about. The two just refuse to listen to anything that I want, and I do state my mind. They keep doing their own thing and my third even tries to tell them to back off and listen to what I say. I don't know what else to do since I've already been blunt and had my third get involved.
Where I'm from we do a fundraiser for the couple that helps pay for the wedding. It's a big party with silent auction prizes and crazy cheap alcohol. Usually family and friends (including bridal party) help the couple financially, either buying prizes or alcohol, with the couple paying for most of the event. The same two girls are refusing to spend any of their money to help with this event. They're not paying for anything for my wedding other than their shoes, as I'm paying for everything (dress, hair, makeup, etc). Is it wrong for me to be upset with them for this? If not, how do I approach them?

Help
Are you Canadian?

Wow, that was rude and presumptuous. I'm Canadian, and I've never in my life heard of, or would participate in a wedding fundraiser. I would personally be offended to be expected to contribute to someone's wedding in such a way. Why would you think that this is a Canadian thing? Yes, we do things differently up here, but that's just the way it's done. Yes, we had a few hours between our ceremony and reception, which the US people consider horrible, but that's the way it's done here. Before coming to these boards, I had actually never heard of wedding subsidizing and dollar dances. The fundraiser is a new thing too.

Well Thank the Beaver that I am not the only one who was offended!

I have family all over canada, Grew up in Alberta now live in Northern BC and I have NEVER heard of anyone doing this! Ever!! If you want a wedding you can damn well pay for it your self.

I also agree about the timing of the wedding, everyone I have been to has had the wedding at say 1, then cocktail hour at day 5, (different venues) guests are on their own from 2 till 5. Not that big of a deal here.

Maids that won't listen

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