How do I let friends & family know that they will not be invited?

VitChick · August 2013

Hello all! Thanks first off for your input. I have one main question and a few others as well.

My FI and I have decided on a small wedding. 11 guests, no significant others unless already married, no plans on budging on this. I've already asked my MOH if this was okay with her before we even sent out official invites. I then let my other non married guests know this as well. They were way cool about it. We are trying to keep down costs, as we just found out we are pregnant, but do not want to completely be cheap. We have a $2000 budget for everything, except the wine which is from my personal stock. Also, I have never wanted a big wedding, but have decided to invite the people who are important to me and my FI. Since my FI and I have been together for years I am quite sure that certain friends and family will be put out by not being invited. How do I inform my family and friends that it is not meant to be a slight?

As for our wedding plans: Halloween Morning, courthouse steps, rain or shine, having a friend deputized to perform the ceremony, have requested Cocktail to dressy casual, no wedding photographer, luncheon to be followed at a restaurant my FI and I have enjoyed. I will choose appetizers, and have guests order off the menu. I will provide the bubbles and red wine, and will be having cupcakes & small cake in several flavors.

Teddy917 · August 2013

I know you said that you weren't planning on budging but I'll point it out anyway. Not inviting SOs is rude. And what if someone was getting married the next day (that you didnt know about)? Wouldn't you feel bad later that you didn't let the spouse come?
Also don't put anything about attire unless it is truely black or white tie or it's venue rules.
Now for your real question: Don't inform them. If they bring it up say that you couldn't invite everyone that you wanted and then bean dip.

mlg78 · August 2013

It's not meant to be a slight...and yet, it is!

If there are only 11 guests, how many significant others (those in relationships but not yet married) are we really talking about? It couldn't be that many...so why hurt this very small number of people by not allowing their significant others?

As for friends and family not being invited at all...you simply just don't let them know. You send out invites to those 11 individuals (AND THEIR APPROPRIATE GUESTS!) and call it a day. You're clearly have a small, private wedding. If they ask -- tell them just that.

NYCMercedes · August 2013

What she ^^^ said. It's insulting to your guests to tell them what to wear. If non-invitees ask about your wedding, just tell them it's a small private wedding.

RebeccaB88 · August 2013

Not inviting someone's significant other is a horrid insult. You don't intend to do it, yet you're doing it anyway. Those who have to attend without their significant other are probably seething inside but are too polite to tell you. Personally, I wouldn't be so nice about it. If I was close enough to you to be invited to your intimate ceremony, I'm close enough to tell you that you've insulted me.

If they don't receive an invitation, they aren't invited and should know that. You don't need to tell them anything.

And cocktail attire is inappropriate before 5pm. Let your guests wear what they want. Day clothing is proper.

doeydo · August 2013

Tell them that you are having a very small wedding with only your parents, etc.

MuppetOverlord · August 2013

VitChick said:

Hello all! Thanks first off for your input. I have one main question and a few others as well.

My FI and I have decided on a small wedding. 11 guests, no significant others unless already married, no plans on budging on this. I've already asked my MOH if this was okay with her before we even sent out official invites. I then let my other non married guests know this as well. They were way cool about it. We are trying to keep down costs, as we just found out we are pregnant, but do not want to completely be cheap. We have a $2000 budget for everything, except the wine which is from my personal stock. Also, I have never wanted a big wedding, but have decided to invite the people who are important to me and my FI. Since my FI and I have been together for years I am quite sure that certain friends and family will be put out by not being invited. How do I inform my family and friends that it is not meant to be a slight?

As for our wedding plans: Halloween Morning, courthouse steps, rain or shine, having a friend deputized to perform the ceremony, have requested Cocktail to dressy casual, no wedding photographer, luncheon to be followed at a restaurant my FI and I have enjoyed. I will choose appetizers, and have guests order off the menu. I will provide the bubbles and red wine, and will be having cupcakes & small cake in several flavors.

Firstly, if these 11 people are the closest to you in the world, including your MOH, please don't insult them by excluding their significant others. If I were a guest there without my SO, looking at someone able to enjoy their husband's company, I'd be jealous and I'd think you were completely cheap. I'd think that the entire night and I'd probably think that every time I saw you for a few years.

Don't mistake people telling you they were okay with this scenario mean that they are. They might simply be more polite than you are.

I suggest cutting out appetizers if that lets you fit the few extra mouths.

Second, you don't tell people they aren't invited. You simply don't send them an invitation. If they talk about it, just mention it's just a private ceremony in October (or whenever) and dinner with a few people and change the subject.

Simply Fated · August 2013

But you and your fiance won't even be married, yet. Do you not see the hypocrisy in your choice?

artbyallie · August 2013

IMO, $2000 should be plenty to host 22 people. Invite all SOs. Do not bring up the subject of your wedding with anyone who is not invited.

cheapbrideincentpa · August 2013

I do NOT see the big deal with not inviting SO's. We are having a much larger wedding than you, and most SOs will not be invited. FI and I have each been invited to weddings without the other, and it was never a big deal to us. Honestly if someone really takes issue with it, they won't come- no sweat off my back. Our closest friends get a date, but only because we are also friends with the SO as well. Cousin Johnie who we haven't seen in 10 years and is only getting an invite because he is part of the circle, will not. I'm not a fan of having people we never met at our wedding.

If any of your other friends ask, I'd say that we are planning a courthouse wedding/eloping.

KeptInStitches · August 2013

SO's are social units, and it's poor manners to separate social units.

More to the point, on a day dedicated to the love you and your spouse have for each other, does it feel right to separate established couples? Didn't think so.

misssunshine17 · August 2013

cheapbrideincentpa said:

I do NOT see the big deal with not inviting SO's. We are having a much larger wedding than you, and most SOs will not be invited. FI and I have each been invited to weddings without the other, and it was never a big deal to us. Honestly if someone really takes issue with it, they won't come- no sweat off my back. Our closest friends get a date, but only because we are also friends with the SO as well. Cousin Johnie who we haven't seen in 10 years and is only getting an invite because he is part of the circle, will not. I'm not a fan of having people we never met at our wedding.

If any of your other friends ask, I'd say that we are planning a courthouse wedding/eloping.

Well then have fun being rude. People are going to be pissed at you and snicker behind your back.

cheapbrideincentpa · August 2013

misssunshine17 said:

cheapbrideincentpa said:

I do NOT see the big deal with not inviting SO's. We are having a much larger wedding than you, and most SOs will not be invited. FI and I have each been invited to weddings without the other, and it was never a big deal to us. Honestly if someone really takes issue with it, they won't come- no sweat off my back. Our closest friends get a date, but only because we are also friends with the SO as well. Cousin Johnie who we haven't seen in 10 years and is only getting an invite because he is part of the circle, will not. I'm not a fan of having people we never met at our wedding.

If any of your other friends ask, I'd say that we are planning a courthouse wedding/eloping.

Well then have fun being rude. People are going to be pissed at you and snicker behind your back.

Pissed? Don't come, I'll save the $100. Honestly the only person I NEED in attendance on my wedding day is the groom and two witnesses. Snicker, my reply is always "I have been called worse by way better."

NYCBruin · August 2013

cheapbrideincentpa said:

misssunshine17 said:

cheapbrideincentpa said:

I do NOT see the big deal with not inviting SO's. We are having a much larger wedding than you, and most SOs will not be invited. FI and I have each been invited to weddings without the other, and it was never a big deal to us. Honestly if someone really takes issue with it, they won't come- no sweat off my back. Our closest friends get a date, but only because we are also friends with the SO as well. Cousin Johnie who we haven't seen in 10 years and is only getting an invite because he is part of the circle, will not. I'm not a fan of having people we never met at our wedding.

If any of your other friends ask, I'd say that we are planning a courthouse wedding/eloping.

Well then have fun being rude. People are going to be pissed at you and snicker behind your back.

Pissed? Don't come, I'll save the $100. Honestly the only person I NEED in attendance on my wedding day is the groom and two witnesses. Snicker, my reply is always "I have been called worse by way better."

If you don't care about the feelings of your guests, why are you even inviting them?

Is saving $100 bucks really worth more than your relationship with someone? Maybe it's time to rethink your priorities.

GypsyWife_ · August 2013

Teddy917 said:
I know you said that you weren't planning on budging but I'll point it out anyway. Not inviting SOs is rude. And what if someone was getting married the next day (that you didnt know about)? Wouldn't you feel bad later that you didn't let the spouse come?
Also don't put anything about attire unless it is truely black or white tie or it's venue rules.
Now for your real question: Don't inform them. If they bring it up say that you couldn't invite everyone that you wanted and then bean dip.

I love this___^^ you guys turned me into .a.EW!!

MuppetOverlord · August 2013

NYCBruin said:

cheapbrideincentpa said:

misssunshine17 said:

cheapbrideincentpa said:

I do NOT see the big deal with not inviting SO's. We are having a much larger wedding than you, and most SOs will not be invited. FI and I have each been invited to weddings without the other, and it was never a big deal to us. Honestly if someone really takes issue with it, they won't come- no sweat off my back. Our closest friends get a date, but only because we are also friends with the SO as well. Cousin Johnie who we haven't seen in 10 years and is only getting an invite because he is part of the circle, will not. I'm not a fan of having people we never met at our wedding.

If any of your other friends ask, I'd say that we are planning a courthouse wedding/eloping.

Well then have fun being rude. People are going to be pissed at you and snicker behind your back.

Pissed? Don't come, I'll save the $100. Honestly the only person I NEED in attendance on my wedding day is the groom and two witnesses. Snicker, my reply is always "I have been called worse by way better."

If you don't care about the feelings of your guests, why are you even inviting them?

Is saving $100 bucks really worth more than your relationship with someone? Maybe it's time to rethink your priorities.

If you don't care about your guests, elope and save all the money.

kmmssg · August 2013

cheapbrideincentpa said:

I do NOT see the big deal with not inviting SO's. We are having a much larger wedding than you, and most SOs will not be invited. FI and I have each been invited to weddings without the other, and it was never a big deal to us. Honestly if someone really takes issue with it, they won't come- no sweat off my back. Our closest friends get a date, but only because we are also friends with the SO as well. Cousin Johnie who we haven't seen in 10 years and is only getting an invite because he is part of the circle, will not. I'm not a fan of having people we never met at our wedding.

If any of your other friends ask, I'd say that we are planning a courthouse wedding/eloping.

Worst planning attitude I have seen in awhile

STARMOON44 · August 2013

Rain or shine on the courthous steps? Why? And as a frequent user of the courthouse, security isn't going to like you clogging up the steps

Jen4948 · August 2013

cheapbrideincentpa said:

I do NOT see the big deal with not inviting SO's. We are having a much larger wedding than you, and most SOs will not be invited. FI and I have each been invited to weddings without the other, and it was never a big deal to us. Honestly if someone really takes issue with it, they won't come- no sweat off my back. Our closest friends get a date, but only because we are also friends with the SO as well. Cousin Johnie who we haven't seen in 10 years and is only getting an invite because he is part of the circle, will not. I'm not a fan of having people we never met at our wedding.

If any of your other friends ask, I'd say that we are planning a courthouse wedding/eloping.

I think you'll be losing a lot of friendships with that attitude. I hope that's no sweat off your back.

banana468 · August 2013

cheapbrideincentpa said:
I do NOT see the big deal with not inviting SO's. We are having a much larger wedding than you, and most SOs will not be invited. FI and I have each been invited to weddings without the other, and it was never a big deal to us. Honestly if someone really takes issue with it, they won't come- no sweat off my back. Our closest friends get a date, but only because we are also friends with the SO as well. Cousin Johnie who we haven't seen in 10 years and is only getting an invite because he is part of the circle, will not. I'm not a fan of having people we never met at our wedding.

If any of your other friends ask, I'd say that we are planning a courthouse wedding/eloping.

Why do you consistently advise others to not follow etiquette on the etiquette board?

Cdesbiens · August 2013

We're doing 18 people because my dream venue doesn't allow for any more. This leaves out A LOT of relatives and acquaintances so we're avoiding the issue all together. Don't talk about the wedding, don't announce the engagement and after it's over send out a beautiful announcement with your best wedding photo. I have to agree with the SO's- we're not talking "dates" we're talking actual relationships and with a guest list so small (mom/dad/ siblings/ MOH and best man?), everyone there should be the closest people in your lives- which mean you know their partners well.

MuppetOverlord · August 2013

alisonmarie658 said:

banana468 said:

I do NOT see the big deal with not inviting SO's. We are having a much larger wedding than you, and most SOs will not be invited. FI and I have each been invited to weddings without the other, and it was never a big deal to us. Honestly if someone really takes issue with it, they won't come- no sweat off my back. Our closest friends get a date, but only because we are also friends with the SO as well. Cousin Johnie who we haven't seen in 10 years and is only getting an invite because he is part of the circle, will not. I'm not a fan of having people we never met at our wedding.

If any of your other friends ask, I'd say that we are planning a courthouse wedding/eloping.
Why do you consistently advise others to not follow etiquette on the etiquette board?

I would love to know this as well. If you know what proper etiquette is, why are you saying you aren't following it and are proud that you are being rude to your guests by not inviting SOs, not hosting guests properly, having a dollar dance, etc, etc, etc.?????

When people are that adamant, I normally think they are a troll.

NYCBruin · August 2013

alisonmarie658 said:

banana468 said:

I do NOT see the big deal with not inviting SO's. We are having a much larger wedding than you, and most SOs will not be invited. FI and I have each been invited to weddings without the other, and it was never a big deal to us. Honestly if someone really takes issue with it, they won't come- no sweat off my back. Our closest friends get a date, but only because we are also friends with the SO as well. Cousin Johnie who we haven't seen in 10 years and is only getting an invite because he is part of the circle, will not. I'm not a fan of having people we never met at our wedding.

If any of your other friends ask, I'd say that we are planning a courthouse wedding/eloping.
Why do you consistently advise others to not follow etiquette on the etiquette board?

I would love to know this as well. If you know what proper etiquette is, why are you saying you aren't following it and are proud that you are being rude to your guests by not inviting SOs, not hosting guests properly, having a dollar dance, etc, etc, etc.?????

Her SN does declare that she is a "cheap" bride. So apparently being rude doesn't matter as long as it saves money and/or raises money. Money > people, duh!

MuppetOverlord · August 2013

NYCBruin said:

alisonmarie658 said:

banana468 said:

I do NOT see the big deal with not inviting SO's. We are having a much larger wedding than you, and most SOs will not be invited. FI and I have each been invited to weddings without the other, and it was never a big deal to us. Honestly if someone really takes issue with it, they won't come- no sweat off my back. Our closest friends get a date, but only because we are also friends with the SO as well. Cousin Johnie who we haven't seen in 10 years and is only getting an invite because he is part of the circle, will not. I'm not a fan of having people we never met at our wedding.

If any of your other friends ask, I'd say that we are planning a courthouse wedding/eloping.
Why do you consistently advise others to not follow etiquette on the etiquette board?

I would love to know this as well. If you know what proper etiquette is, why are you saying you aren't following it and are proud that you are being rude to your guests by not inviting SOs, not hosting guests properly, having a dollar dance, etc, etc, etc.?????

Her SN does declare that she is a "cheap" bride. So apparently being rude doesn't matter as long as it saves money and/or raises money. Money > people, duh!

Then back to my point about her eloping and saving all her money.

AddieCake · August 2013

Yes, what better way to celebrate love and unity than by not inviting the loves and social units in your life......everybody dance!

NYCBruin · August 2013

MuppetOverlord said:

NYCBruin said:

alisonmarie658 said:

banana468 said:

I do NOT see the big deal with not inviting SO's. We are having a much larger wedding than you, and most SOs will not be invited. FI and I have each been invited to weddings without the other, and it was never a big deal to us. Honestly if someone really takes issue with it, they won't come- no sweat off my back. Our closest friends get a date, but only because we are also friends with the SO as well. Cousin Johnie who we haven't seen in 10 years and is only getting an invite because he is part of the circle, will not. I'm not a fan of having people we never met at our wedding.

If any of your other friends ask, I'd say that we are planning a courthouse wedding/eloping.
Why do you consistently advise others to not follow etiquette on the etiquette board?

I would love to know this as well. If you know what proper etiquette is, why are you saying you aren't following it and are proud that you are being rude to your guests by not inviting SOs, not hosting guests properly, having a dollar dance, etc, etc, etc.?????

Her SN does declare that she is a "cheap" bride. So apparently being rude doesn't matter as long as it saves money and/or raises money. Money > people, duh!

Then back to my point about her eloping and saving all her money.

But then she wouldn't get gifts! Or have guests to tell her how beautiful she is.

AddieCake · August 2013

alisonmarie658 said:

AddieL73 said:

Yes, what better way to celebrate love and unity than by not inviting the loves and social units in your life......everybody dance!

But who will they dance with if their SOs can't come????

The bride and groom, of course! The all are tooooootally cool with it and love and adore the bride and groom and isn't that what the reception is for, to show the bride and groom how much you love and adore them and if guests don't like it they can get the fuck out?! Nobody needs their SO there when they should be focused on the happy couple!

MandyMost · August 2013

Some people seem to confuse the difference between

1. inviting guests without their significant others, and

2. inviting guests without a "plus one".

There's a HUGE difference here. The first one is unacceptable and rude. The second is totally fine.

I would think that you probably have met all of your guests significant others, unless in circumstances where they live far away and the relationship is relatively new, in which case you maybe haven't met them but have probably heard all about them. You might be closer to Jane than you are to her boyfriend Joe...in fact, maybe you have lunch with Jane 4 times per week, and you've only met Joe a few times. But Joe still has to be invited if you're inviting Jane. But if Jane is single and has maybe been on just a few dates with some guy recently? You don't have to invite her with a "plus one".

The issue isn't with guests coming alone. The issue is with guests not being invited with their partners.

PrettyGirlLost · August 2013

cheapbrideincentpa said:

misssunshine17 said:

cheapbrideincentpa said:

I do NOT see the big deal with not inviting SO's. We are having a much larger wedding than you, and most SOs will not be invited. FI and I have each been invited to weddings without the other, and it was never a big deal to us. Honestly if someone really takes issue with it, they won't come- no sweat off my back. Our closest friends get a date, but only because we are also friends with the SO as well. Cousin Johnie who we haven't seen in 10 years and is only getting an invite because he is part of the circle, will not. I'm not a fan of having people we never met at our wedding.

If any of your other friends ask, I'd say that we are planning a courthouse wedding/eloping.

Well then have fun being rude. People are going to be pissed at you and snicker behind your back.

Pissed? Don't come, I'll save the $100. Honestly the only person I NEED in attendance on my wedding day is the groom and two witnesses. Snicker, my reply is always "I have been called worse by way better."

Then why the hell are you inviting other people to witness your wedding if you don't care enough about them to want to host them and their sig others properly? Have a private ceremony between you and your FI only.

I mean honestly, if you have to be that "cheap" that you view the sig others of your friends and families as "another $100" then you either need to adjust your wedding date to another time when you can save up and host everyone properly, or adjust your attitude.

And until you get that attitude adjustment, please don't post rude advice on the Etiquette board.

VitChick · August 2013

Would like to thank everyone for their input. I can understand differing points of view. Regardless, my point of view & wishes matter most. So I have not been shamed into inviting SOs, and am moving forward with my plans. This is actually more to do with my MOH and my great friend Z who used to be a couple, and well now she can't stand him and hasn't seen him since they broke up. I don't need for those 2, and their SOs to become clickish at my small wedding, but I will not choose between the two of them, as to who can attend my wedding. My apologies for not having having made that detail known prior. I guess that, I don't believe in standing on ceremony and inviting more people than I could possibly want to host. For those who find this rude that, is honestly okay with me. Also, the $2000 is for everything from invites,dress, suit, shoes, court fees, cupcakes, lunch reception, hair & makeup, and not just the reception alone.

I have only mentioned to those who have asked if they're invited, that they are not. That is truly the way to go.

VitChick · August 2013

cheapbrideincentpa said:

I do NOT see the big deal with not inviting SO's. We are having a much larger wedding than you, and most SOs will not be invited. FI and I have each been invited to weddings without the other, and it was never a big deal to us. Honestly if someone really takes issue with it, they won't come- no sweat off my back. Our closest friends get a date, but only because we are also friends with the SO as well. Cousin Johnie who we haven't seen in 10 years and is only getting an invite because he is part of the circle, will not. I'm not a fan of having people we never met at our wedding.

If any of your other friends ask, I'd say that we are planning a courthouse wedding/eloping.

Though you're in the minority, I'm glad you are able to see things my way. Though, I would hate for one of my friends to take issue with it, I would understand if they were slighted and didn't come. I would not like it, but I would understand, and well frankly I would get over it. Once again, thanks for your input and being the Devil's advocate in this conversation.

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