help please im clueless.

Maggie0829 · August 2013

STARMOON44 said:

I recommend Miss Manners. But your stumbling block with continue to be that this is a PPD. You considered yourself married 8 years ago. This ceremony will not make you any more married culturally or legally. It's important to you seemingly because of the pretty? (unless I'm missing something, you want a bit of a fuss made, no?). I think the most etiquettely approved route would be a great anniversary party.

Even if they did have a civil ceremony, wouldn't it still be a PPD in a sense? Civil marriage clearly isn't as important to them as the Roma marriage is, so even if they did get legally married, they were already "married," so to speak. It's not like they're having a second ceremony now that their marriage can be legal (like with gay marriage).

It would only be a PPD if they went full out wedding. But that is not what OP wants to do. She just wants to have a party (anniversary/vow renewal) to celebrate their marriage. In any other circumstance where some one would like to throw a marriage celebration party or have a vow renewal we really don't have a problem with it (as long as they aren't having a full out fake wedding) so I really don't see the difference in this situation.

ashleyep · August 2013

Maggie0829 said:

STARMOON44 said:

I recommend Miss Manners. But your stumbling block with continue to be that this is a PPD. You considered yourself married 8 years ago. This ceremony will not make you any more married culturally or legally. It's important to you seemingly because of the pretty? (unless I'm missing something, you want a bit of a fuss made, no?). I think the most etiquettely approved route would be a great anniversary party.

Even if they did have a civil ceremony, wouldn't it still be a PPD in a sense? Civil marriage clearly isn't as important to them as the Roma marriage is, so even if they did get legally married, they were already "married," so to speak. It's not like they're having a second ceremony now that their marriage can be legal (like with gay marriage).
It would only be a PPD if they went full out wedding. But that is not what OP wants to do. She just wants to have a party (anniversary/vow renewal) to celebrate their marriage. In any other circumstance where some one would like to throw a marriage celebration party or have a vow renewal we really don't have a problem with it (as long as they aren't having a full out fake wedding) so I really don't see the difference in this situation.

Oh I don't either, I didn't mean to imply that. Some of the PPs made it sound like if they were getting legally married, they could do all of the big wedding stuff.

This is such a weird situation that I don't really think etiquette applies. Have your husband slip a ring on your finger, just don't have a big "ceremony."

Maggie0829 · August 2013

ashleyep said:

Maggie0829 said:

STARMOON44 said:

I recommend Miss Manners. But your stumbling block with continue to be that this is a PPD. You considered yourself married 8 years ago. This ceremony will not make you any more married culturally or legally. It's important to you seemingly because of the pretty? (unless I'm missing something, you want a bit of a fuss made, no?). I think the most etiquettely approved route would be a great anniversary party.

Even if they did have a civil ceremony, wouldn't it still be a PPD in a sense? Civil marriage clearly isn't as important to them as the Roma marriage is, so even if they did get legally married, they were already "married," so to speak. It's not like they're having a second ceremony now that their marriage can be legal (like with gay marriage).
It would only be a PPD if they went full out wedding. But that is not what OP wants to do. She just wants to have a party (anniversary/vow renewal) to celebrate their marriage. In any other circumstance where some one would like to throw a marriage celebration party or have a vow renewal we really don't have a problem with it (as long as they aren't having a full out fake wedding) so I really don't see the difference in this situation.

Oh I don't either, I didn't mean to imply that. Some of the PPs made it sound like if they were getting legally married, they could do all of the big wedding stuff.

This is such a weird situation that I don't really think etiquette applies. Have your husband slip a ring on your finger, just don't have a big "ceremony."

I agree completely. And yeah I wouldn't agree to the whole shabang if they were to get legally married especially since they already consider themselves married. Now if they didn't consider themselves married then that would be different. I think my head is starting to hurt LOL!

OP, I think what you have planned sounds fine etiquette wise and also a lot of fun. You are just celebrating your relationship with others without doing a whole bunch of fake stuff. Did that even make sense?

GypsyWife_ · August 2013

Maggie0829 said:

ashleyep said:

Maggie0829 said:

STARMOON44 said:

I recommend Miss Manners. But your stumbling block with continue to be that this is a PPD. You considered yourself married 8 years ago. This ceremony will not make you any more married culturally or legally. It's important to you seemingly because of the pretty? (unless I'm missing something, you want a bit of a fuss made, no?). I think the most etiquettely approved route would be a great anniversary party.

Even if they did have a civil ceremony, wouldn't it still be a PPD in a sense? Civil marriage clearly isn't as important to them as the Roma marriage is, so even if they did get legally married, they were already "married," so to speak. It's not like they're having a second ceremony now that their marriage can be legal (like with gay marriage).
It would only be a PPD if they went full out wedding. But that is not what OP wants to do. She just wants to have a party (anniversary/vow renewal) to celebrate their marriage. In any other circumstance where some one would like to throw a marriage celebration party or have a vow renewal we really don't have a problem with it (as long as they aren't having a full out fake wedding) so I really don't see the difference in this situation.

Oh I don't either, I didn't mean to imply that. Some of the PPs made it sound like if they were getting legally married, they could do all of the big wedding stuff.

This is such a weird situation that I don't really think etiquette applies. Have your husband slip a ring on your finger, just don't have a big "ceremony."

I agree completely. And yeah I wouldn't agree to the whole shabang if they were to get legally married especially since they already consider themselves married. Now if they didn't consider themselves married then that would be different. I think my head is starting to hurt LOL!

OP, I think what you have planned sounds fine etiquette wise and also a lot of fun. You are just celebrating your relationship with others without doing a whole bunch of fake stuff. Did that even make sense?

yes ... but what fake stuff specifically should i leave out besides ceremony, wedding party, showers,and first dance?

what do you think about how to put a ring on me?. can we still have a cake? my grandparents had a wedding cake for their 50th anniversary.

phira · August 2013

I can't think of any event where I wouldn't want to eat cake. Go for it.

SP29 · August 2013

A vow renewal would be lovely

.

For example, my grandparents were married in a small civil ceremony without any guests but witnesses, no dress, no cake, etc, because they couldn't afford anything more. For their 50th Anniversary they renewed their vows- had a church ceremony (exchanged vows and rings) with family and close friends, and then a reception after with food and cake.

It was lovely- my grandma didn't show up in a white ball gown, but had a nice dress. Both had exchanged updated rings. There was no gift registry or pre-wedding events, but a nice reception was had.

I see no reason why you can't have some of what you dream of, just because it couldn't happen the first time around.

Simply Fated · August 2013

GypsyBridetobe said:

Maggie0829 said:

ashleyep said:

Maggie0829 said:

STARMOON44 said:

I recommend Miss Manners. But your stumbling block with continue to be that this is a PPD. You considered yourself married 8 years ago. This ceremony will not make you any more married culturally or legally. It's important to you seemingly because of the pretty? (unless I'm missing something, you want a bit of a fuss made, no?). I think the most etiquettely approved route would be a great anniversary party.

Even if they did have a civil ceremony, wouldn't it still be a PPD in a sense? Civil marriage clearly isn't as important to them as the Roma marriage is, so even if they did get legally married, they were already "married," so to speak. It's not like they're having a second ceremony now that their marriage can be legal (like with gay marriage).
It would only be a PPD if they went full out wedding. But that is not what OP wants to do. She just wants to have a party (anniversary/vow renewal) to celebrate their marriage. In any other circumstance where some one would like to throw a marriage celebration party or have a vow renewal we really don't have a problem with it (as long as they aren't having a full out fake wedding) so I really don't see the difference in this situation.

Oh I don't either, I didn't mean to imply that. Some of the PPs made it sound like if they were getting legally married, they could do all of the big wedding stuff.

This is such a weird situation that I don't really think etiquette applies. Have your husband slip a ring on your finger, just don't have a big "ceremony."

I agree completely. And yeah I wouldn't agree to the whole shabang if they were to get legally married especially since they already consider themselves married. Now if they didn't consider themselves married then that would be different. I think my head is starting to hurt LOL!

OP, I think what you have planned sounds fine etiquette wise and also a lot of fun. You are just celebrating your relationship with others without doing a whole bunch of fake stuff. Did that even make sense?

yes ... but what fake stuff specifically should i leave out besides ceremony, wedding party, showers,and first dance?
what do you think about how to put a ring on me?. can we still have a cake? my grandparents had a wedding cake for their 50th anniversary.

Cake is delicious.
I just wouldn't call it a wedding cake, if it's not a wedding. What your grandparents had was an anniversary cake. Like if your kid was graduating from high school and there was cake, you wouldn't call it a wedding cake, it would be a graduation cake.

Maggie0829 · August 2013

@GypsyBridetobe - what you are planning is basically a vow renewal. Do some research on how to plan one via google. You can most certainly exchange rings, I had even included what he could say when he puts your ring on in a previous post.

As for the party portion. There is nothing wrong with you and your H having a spotlight dance. Dance for a minute and then ask everyone else to join you. Have a cake. A party is not complete without cake. You don't have to call the cake anything, just have one. Have great food and music. Don't have a bouquet/garter toss. Don't have bridesmaids or groomsmen. Don't wear a huge wedding dress but I think I nice understated white dress would be fine if you so choose or any elegant gown would be appropriate. Speeches or toasts I would limit to maybe you two standing up and thanking everyone for being there to celebrate your continued love for one another.

As for invites, since you are not married I would say something like "GypsyBridetoBe and Mr. GypsyBridetoBe invite you to a celebration of love and commitment" or something.

GypsyWife_ · August 2013

Thank you to all who have posted. i got a plan now. no themes. no unauthentic ceremony. i dont want anything to take away from what we want this celebration to be about. Its about the emotions we have for each other and vowing to be together through all we go through in our lives,good,or,bad.

grumbledore · August 2013

Maggie0829 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

GypsyBridetobe said:

well its hard to tell. roma have basically a big party basically like a huge reception instead of a ceremony. the bride walks in wearing a normal gown. then changes into a wedding gown for the dancing and hand tying.

Do you gals think it would be fine for @GypsyBrideto be since technically she never was married and isn't married. It's not a PPD or a wedding do-over if you have never been married, right?

But my feeling is that they consider themselves married in the eyes of their culture so to have the full out Roma "wedding" would be a bit like a PPD, KWIM?

I still stick by a version of a vow renewal. I don't know the traditions within a Roma wedding celebration but a few nice words to each other plus a hand-tying to show the continuance of your commitment to each other would be really nice.

This.

While OP and her husband did not have a wedding ceremony, in the eyes of their culture they are considered man and wife by their lifestyle/actions. Unfortunately I'd say this, in this somewhat different but also no different situation, means there can be no "wedding" and it would be a PPD.

I can see how this is really frustrating OP, because you never really got married (no legal marriage, no ceremony) but I am assuming you knew what you were getting into when you moved in with him?

OjitosVerdes · August 2013

Etiquette aside because you've gotten some great advice here, what jumps out of your posts in this thread is how one sided your planning seems to be. You've mentioned several times what your husband wants, but don't seem to have any true input of your own, other than making sure your husbands desires don't breach etiquette in a major way. This isn't a relationships board, but that raises some red flags with me. Particularly his refusal to legally marry when it sounds like you want to, as it could put you in a real bind one day if you reside in the US, as others have mentioned. I hope your needs are being met in the relationship.

GypsyWife_ · August 2013

grumbledore said:

Maggie0829 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

GypsyBridetobe said:

well its hard to tell. roma have basically a big party basically like a huge reception instead of a ceremony. the bride walks in wearing a normal gown. then changes into a wedding gown for the dancing and hand tying.

Do you gals think it would be fine for @GypsyBrideto be since technically she never was married and isn't married. It's not a PPD or a wedding do-over if you have never been married, right?

But my feeling is that they consider themselves married in the eyes of their culture so to have the full out Roma "wedding" would be a bit like a PPD, KWIM?

I still stick by a version of a vow renewal. I don't know the traditions within a Roma wedding celebration but a few nice words to each other plus a hand-tying to show the continuance of your commitment to each other would be really nice.

This.

While OP and her husband did not have a wedding ceremony, in the eyes of their culture they are considered man and wife by their lifestyle/actions. Unfortunately I'd say this, in this somewhat different but also no different situation, means there can be no "wedding" and it would be a PPD.

I can see how this is really frustrating OP, because you never really got married (no legal marriage, no ceremony) but I am assuming you knew what you were getting into when you moved in with him?

i knew but i was under the impression his parents were throwing us a wedding. i never asked. My husband just assumed since they did that with all the other siblings. i was waiting for a few months before i asked my husband if we were going to have a wedding. he said no. so i was bummed. i was given a lot of jewerly mostly family heirlooms by his mom and dad and i was very welcomed and they were calling me his wife. it was weird for me because we were only together a few months.so anyways we were saving to move out. then we moved out on our own and my BC failed i got pregos. we had one baby then 18 months later another one.2 years later wedding talk came up again.i was 2 weeks into planning a backyard wedding bash and then my dad dies. then our 2 year old daughter got diagnosed with autism. now 3 years after all that i wanted of coarse a real legal wedding in a church. instead im agreeing (since i understand his point) to have an anniversary party. its really been a hard 8 years and now i have an engagement ring he gave me in april. now im happy with he and I exchanging vows by ourselves confessing our love. but of coarse our families want to be there..thats ok with me the more the merrier. i love being a hostess and i want to celebrate with them. and thats basically my adult life story....

GypsyWife_ · August 2013

OjitosVerdes said:

Etiquette aside because you've gotten some great advice here, what jumps out of your posts in this thread is how one sided your planning seems to be. You've mentioned several times what your husband wants, but don't seem to have any true input of your own, other than making sure your husbands desires don't breach etiquette in a major way. This isn't a relationships board, but that raises some red flags with me. Particularly his refusal to legally marry when it sounds like you want to, as it could put you in a real bind one day if you reside in the US, as others have mentioned. I hope your needs are being met in the relationship.

when it comes to that its the one thing he wont budge on. im good with it. everything else in the relationship im very happy with.hes a great husband and a even better dad.our communication needs to be a little better but we work threw it when it becomes a problem. not anything out of the ordinary. the license was never a problem for me really.i think it was just an expectation i had.

GypsyWife_ · August 2013

yes he said no to a full on gypsy wedding with the 3 dress changes and the stago with the basso. but we can have a ceremony according to my traditions but he wont do the marriage license. he wants a gypsy handtying wedding cake sitdown dinner. open bar. good dj. but he joked about me wearing white be cause we have kids.he allready bought me a wedding ring.

i cant get out of the quote box.

i get it this is why you think i only say what he wants. he was asked by me so i can have his input on planning too. these were his answers on what kind of food, desert, music, and alcohol we should have. personally i wanted a buffet to cut costs. but i would love to have a sitdown dinner.

help please im clueless.

Re: help please im clueless.

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