S/O Etiquette Faux Pas VS Victimless Crimes

smalfrie19 · August 2013

So as a spin off from the STDate printed lable thread below. What things that are "against etiquette" that really don't bother your.

For example: another Knottie and myself were discussing the situation of the bride and groom drinking champange for a toast and guests toasting with what they have. I see it as NBD but she thought it was rude.

What are your ladies "victimless crimes" ?

KeptInStitches · August 2013

My horrific handwriting and I say that printed labels are victimless.

TheBaysideBride · August 2013

haha our venue was supposed to serve a champagne toast but was liberal in what they considered champagne. My SIL knew I hated the "house" faux champagne and my brother made sure the head table had a few good bottles of the real stuff - who cares! no one noticed, and it was the only drink i managed to have all night. the rest of the guests had a six hour open top-shelf bar so I'm sure they were ok w/ it.

basically, as long as you feed me decent food and I have a few good drinks and a chance to dance to a few fun songs, I'm happy as a wedding guest. I've been to DIY weddings in VFW halls and over-the-told formal weddings in NYC hotels, and as long as I don't have to worry about finding a cocktail or someone fun to talk to, I'm all good.

WinstonsGirl · August 2013

Printed labels for me. I see it more as something for the post office to deliver them properly, so I don't care if the bride wrote them or printed them. I want to PO to deliver it properly. And anyone who says that handwritten labels take more time and therefore show that you put more effort into them has never fought with a printer screwing up labels again and again

What else?? Let me think

LDubHawksFan · August 2013

I hand wrote my std addresses, but printed directly in the envelopes for the invitations.

Although I didn't have her on the list, my bms asked my old best friend who lived in the town we had my bachelorette party so they asked her to come out with us. It was a lot of fun and actually helped us to get back in touch, but I didn't add her to the wedding list last minute.

This probably wasn't victimless but I didn't realize it was wrong before our wedding: we had a cocktail hour that included liquor but hosted beer and wine all night. In hindsight I realize that this wasn't right.

Eta: I don't think the champagne toast thing is that big of a deal either.

TheBaysideBride · August 2013

Winstons - ditto!! our ridiculously $$ caligrapher messed up at least 3 invites each time. those guests were mroe upset abotu not getting an invite and anyone would have been to get a printed label....

TheBaysideBride · August 2013

Crime to me as a BM - my bride friend who got herself a Rolls to and from the ceremony (45 minutes from hotel and reception) but asked the other BMs to find their own rides. just get a limo for everyone.

Please don't ask me to wear anything other than a specific dress. No one is going to look at my shoes and my earrings.

Other than the dress, if you ask for it, pay for it.

Gisellerina · August 2013

Registry information on invitations is an etiquette breach that I actually appreciate - it saves me time and makes it easier for me to give my friends/family a gift that they actually want. (I know, I'm in the minority . . .)

smalfrie19 · August 2013

Gisellerina said:

Registry information on invitations is an etiquette breach that I actually appreciate - it saves me time and makes it easier for me to give my friends/family a gift that they actually want. (I know, I'm in the minority . . .)

actually I was talking with my aunt this weekend and she said the SAME THING!

TheBaysideBride · August 2013

Gisellerina - totally agree !Anything that makes it easier for me as a busy person to just find a registry and buy a gift - bring it!!

I hate these "don't wrap the present" showers that I keep getting invited to, thought. Always feels like Toys for Tots.

HisGirlFriday13 · August 2013

Crimes:

1. Brides picking a dress without consulting BMs privately on price point and/or comfort level. (I had a friend pick a $200 dress -- way out of my price range -- that was VERY low cut and that I was not comfortable wearing).

2. Brides demanding specific shoes and/or specific colours without paying for them -- specifically when the colour is an unusual color that you're unlikely to (a) already own; (b) be able to find cheaply; or (c) ever wear again.

3. Brides dictating hair/make-up choices again without paying for them. If you want me to have a specific hair style, you're going to have to pay for it.

4. Brides paying for hair/make-up/nails/jewellery "for the wedding" and then calling it a BM gift. I am not a puppet or a doll; dressing me up for your wedding isn't a "gift" to me.

5. MOHs/BMs/anyone who plans a shower, bachelorette party, or other pre-wedding event without input from the other participants and then presents a bill for services rendered -- if I didn't get a say, I am not paying.

Victimless crimes:

1. Printed labels. I really don't care, one way or the other.

I'll have to keep thinking. Also, FTR, *everything* I listed in the first part is something one or all of the brides I've been a BM for have done.

Gisellerina · August 2013

Smalfrie19 and TheBayside Bride - I'm so glad to hear I'm not the only one out there who feels this way.

I'm now glad that I've never been invited to a "don't wrap the present" shower. What is the rationale? Is it an environmentally-friendly thing about not using wrapping paper?

Maggie0829 · August 2013

Things that are against etiquette but don't annoy me...

1) labels (as long as they are put on well)/printing directly on the envelope

2) the venue serving the bride and groom while the guests have to serve themselves from the buffet

3) the bride and groom cutting a small cake and then serving cupcakes to the guests

4) the venue providing the couple with their favorite liquor of choice when it isn't offered to the rest of the guests.

I will elaborate on #4. Our venue provided my H with grey goose vodka because he mentioned that it was his favorite. It was served only to him. We had an open mid-range bar for the rest of the guests so all guests had access to vodka plus a variety of other alcohol to choose from so it wasn't like we served only beer and wine and H got liquor. I know people will think this is wrong but we didn't request it nor did we expect it. I am fine with venues giving perks to the couple. I think it is a nice gesture especially since the couple or hosts are spending a great deal of money on the day and as a guest do not see anything wrong with treating the couple a little more special. As long as I get awesome food and have access to wine then I am a happy camper.

KeptInStitches · August 2013

If #3 is a crime, I too find it victimless.

SP29 · August 2013

Same as above- the only reason we are getting a small cake to cut is for the tradition of cutting the cake. I suppose we could cut a cupcake, but thought it would look a bit silly with a big cutting knife and little cupcake

.

@Gisellerina- I *think* the purpose of the unwrapped gifts is so they can be displayed on the table for the other guests to see so the bride does not have to spend the time opening the gifts in front of everyone.

I've never been invited to such a shower, but I don't think I would care either way, if the bride really wanted it that way, I'll save the $2 from the gift bag and ribbon

(though some registries will gift wrap free of charge anyway...)

Xstatic3333 · August 2013

I consider sending invites around 10-12 weeks victimless. I always appreciate all of the warning I can get, and I've never gotten one as a guest less than 10 weeks out (except for one I got 4 weeks out). TBH, I followed this and sent mine at 10 weeks. We did need our numbers in at 2 weeks out, if that makes it seem any better.

SP29 · August 2013

I also considering sending out invites early as victimless. Sorry I gave you too much notice??

Xstatic3333 · August 2013

Glad I'm not crazy! I do think sending them at 5-6 months, like some do, is ridiculous. But if I got an invite around 5 weeks out sent at 6 weeks out (and there weren't STDs) it would frequently be too late for me to clear the weekend.

I do understand the practical implication that some guests could misplace the invite, and also think the RSVP deadline shouldn't be crazy early or anything.

banana468 · August 2013

We had a bottle of bubbly on our sweetheart table and the rest of the guests all had sparkling wine (same brand). If they wanted more they could have asked the bartender so it's not like we had something for ourselves that the guests weren't welcome to have as well.

misssunshine17 · August 2013

I've never been to a AHR, but if the bride wore her dress, it wouldn't bother me. I read a while back you're not supposed to, but it wouldn't bother me.

OneLuckyNurse · August 2013

I agree on the registry insert, mainly in shower invites I find it helpful! I like to buy actual gifts for the wedding and really dislike bugging the bride/groom/family for details when I don't have to. I don't like when I open an invite and 5 or 6 come out (has happened) but I really like one or two.

phira · August 2013

I have no idea why people are so against labels. Like, really? It has to be handwritten? What if I have horrible handwriting, or bad tendonitis?

kmmssg · August 2013

I will never get bent out of shape over tuxes prior to 6pm. Every wedding I have ever attended prior to 6 had tuxes. I agree with Maggie's list and i don't care if brides wear their
dress, do a first dance, and have a wedding cake at an AHR. These are not first world problems and I don't know anyone who would give a rat's hiney about those .

I still don't like registry info in the invitation. It takes me nanoseconds to find someone's registry on the internet.

NYCMercedes · August 2013

My daughter gave her BM's beautiful jewelry to wear to her wedding.

southernbelle0915 · August 2013

Victimless etiquette "crimes":

- printed labels

- special drinks for the bride and groom (as long as it's not super obvious they're getting special treatment)

- tuxes before 6pm

- "half after" versus "half past" versus "4:30" - as long as I know when to be there... whatever

Abbyjensen · August 2013

scribe95 said:

A victimless crime for me is not sending separate invites to each adult living in a home. If two 20-somethings live at home with their parents I find no harm in sending one invitation to the home with all the names of those invited listed.

I basically agree with this, especially if the 20-somethings are single and I am inviting them as part of their parents family unit. Even though they are adults and aren't technically still part of their parents family unit. However, I think parents might fail to tell their adult children about the invite, so that could cause a problem.

kefryar · August 2013

I forgot to have our website address printed on the save the dates, so I'm having to handwrite it on the back of the card. I figure since it's on the back, when people stick it on the fridge, it won't be too terrible.

ashleyep · August 2013

southernbelle0915 said:

Victimless etiquette "crimes":
- printed labels
- special drinks for the bride and groom (as long as it's not super obvious they're getting special treatment)
- tuxes before 6pm
- "half after" versus "half past" versus "4:30" - as long as I know when to be there... whatever

Wait, which is the proper etiquette for the last one??

ashleyep · August 2013

NYCMercedes said:

My daughter gave her BM's beautiful jewelry to wear to her wedding.

My friend got us all a necklace that had a pearl on it and our initial. At first I was like "well I'm never going to wear this again" - but I actually wear it a lot now. I don't have a lot of casual necklaces.

She did get us other stuff, but even if she didn't, I don't see the big deal. I don't like the bridal party should have an expectation of a gift, just like a bride and groom shouldn't expect gifts. A nice thank you card should suffice. Paying for hair and makeup and calling it a gift is dumb, but not because it's not a "good enough" gift.

csuave · August 2013

The new fluffy towels we got at our shower.....we are using them.

NYCMercedes · August 2013

We also paid for purses to carry (optional), hair done, and a small personalized thing. They also didn't pay for a shower, nor for her share of the bachelorette. I guess it's not victimless, but I felt she was generous, as I feel they were extremely generous to her.

S/O Etiquette Faux Pas VS Victimless Crimes

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