Bridal Shower Etiquette

simplykayla · September 2013

Alright, so I just found out that my mom has been planning a bridal shower for me.
The problem is, FI and I weren't planning on registering anywhere (we've lived together for years and basically have everything we need, but were hoping for cash for the honeymoon).
MOB is very excited about throwing this bridal shower, and doesn't want to cancel her planning even though we don't have a registry (she already has all kinds of fun game ideas, etc). She sent me this wording and asked if it was okay to put it on the invitation:

"In lieu of a gift, we ask that you bring a cash donation of any amount that will be used to purchase a much needed item for the bride and groom."

Now, I know that asking for cash like this is against etiquette. My question is, what do we do? Can she choose to not put any info on the invite, and then spread through word of mouth that we are saving for the honeymoon? Should we go ahead and just create a small registry? What's the best way to go about all this?
Thanks!

ETA: Please don't mention honeymoon registries. They're rude. It's not happening.

simplykayla · September 2013

Just for clarification - I think the "much needed item" she's referring to in the wording is a dining table set, which is basically the only thing we don't own yet.

saric83 · September 2013

Definitely don't put that in there. The whole idea of a shower is to "shower" the bride with gifts. If it's not for gifts, I'm not really sure of the point.

I was invited to two showers requesting cash-only (same bride) recently that I declined mainly because I found it really uncomfortable to think about what the shower would be. Was she going to open envelopes of money and announce to everyone how much everyone gave? (I really hope that wasn't the case, but you never know...)

Blue_Bird · September 2013

simplykayla said:

Alright, so I just found out that my mom has been planning a bridal shower for me.
The problem is, FI and I weren't planning on registering anywhere (we've lived together for years and basically have everything we need, but were hoping for cash for the honeymoon).
MOB is very excited about throwing this bridal shower, and doesn't want to cancel her planning even though we don't have a registry (she already has all kinds of fun game ideas, etc). She sent me this wording and asked if it was okay to put it on the invitation:

"In lieu of a gift, we ask that you bring a cash donation of any amount that will be used to purchase a much needed item for the bride and groom."

Now, I know that asking for cash like this is against etiquette. My question is, what do we do? Can she choose to not put any info on the invite, and then spread through word of mouth that we are saving for the honeymoon? Should we go ahead and just create a small registry? What's the best way to go about all this?
Thanks!

You have a few options:

Politely decline the shower. While your mother will be disappointed, she should not guilt you into something you don't want. You can also choose to register for a few upgrades and ask that she keep the guest list small. Another option is to ask her to skip the shower idea and just plan a fun get-together, no gifts. It could be a luncheon, brunch, tea, bowling- whatever. Under no circumstances should you let her do what she is suggesting. If she pushes the issue, you can tell her thanks, but you two have decided to skip the parties.

simplykayla · September 2013

Thanks @blue_bird ! We would be in the clear if we chose to call it just a bridal luncheon instead of a shower?

Blue_Bird · September 2013

simplykayla said:

Thanks @blue_bird ! We would be in the clear if we chose to call it just a bridal luncheon instead of a shower?

@simplykayla, absolutely! Many couples have things like this. A friend of mine did before her wedding. It was hosted by her mother, but there was no mention of gifts at all, and no one brought any. We had a really fun time. She even set out an activity for us to decorate "Ladies who Lunch" hats. The were perfectly gaudy!

Abbyjensen · September 2013

Ditto pp- call it a Bridal Luncheon. Fun, games, girl time, no gifts.

MandyMost · September 2013

scribe95 said:

I think the jury on a bridal luncheon is still out in some parts of the country. Here in Indiana I have never seen one and if invited would have no idea I wasn't supposed to bring a gift. But in other areas they are apparently pretty normal.

I have never been invited to one, but I'm planning on having one instead of a shower. I assume some of the invitees will have no idea what a bridal luncheon is and be confused about the gift situation, but hopefully the invite will make it clear what a bridal luncheon is, and the host can clarify when guests RSVP and by word of mouth that it's a no-gifts event.

I live with my fiance. We own our home together. And many of our relatives are struggling financially. I find it so distasteful to expect them to give me gifts at a shower.

Actually, I think we might get a group of women together for a wine tasting class or something like that, and then have dinner after. So it won't be a "luncheon". But the invite will make it clear that it's simply an even for the women to get together and do girly things with me (if they want to attend!), without any gifts necessary.

cruffino · September 2013

i'm in the same boat as you. my mom and sister are hosting my "bridal luncheon". they wanted to have the traditional ladies get-together, but we don't need any household items so we opted not to register. my mom and sister are ok with us not registering.

my sister is the RSVP person and she anticipates a lot of questions about gifts, but she plans to tell guests that we're not registered and a gift isn't necessary, but if you want to bring a gift, they are saving for the future.

Jen4948 · September 2013

I think the idea behind a "bridal luncheon" is that it is an entertainment in honor of the bride that has no gift-giving expectations behind it.

MrsRadke · September 2013

If you don't want gifts, ask for something that doesn't cost a thing. "in lieu of gifts please bring your favorite family recipe/photo of you and the bride/story about the bride/anything else you can scrapbook"

annathy03 · September 2013

I like the bridal luncheon idea.

If your Mom is set on it being a shower, do NOT let her put that wording on the invite. I'd register somewhere for new linens and other homewares that wear out over time and are good to have spares handy (i.e. cutting boards).

simplykayla · September 2013

Thanks everyone! Right now we're divided on whether we'll do the luncheon, or go ahead with the shower and create a small registry. But it will definitely be one of those two things.

Thanks all for the advice!

PetKatSold2011 · September 2013

I'm going to play a little devil’s advocate, lol. It is very uncomfortable to ASK for gifts especially cash but I don't think you are really asking as a requirement from what your trying to describe (the wording on the invite does need to be worked on though if not said at all)...sometimes there are people that actually WANT to give at least a little something to show that they are supporting the couple and are gracious to be invited because that is an addition/another expense to the wedding. To expect a gift isn't tasteful, I agree, but like mentioned before, to outline something to not confuse guests especially when it's a bridal(anything) can be another. Times are changing and any help is appreciated. I have recently heard of bridal showers that have said, if you would like to give a gift a contribution for the couple’s honeymoon would be greately appreciated (It was an actual cute saying, trying to remember what was on the invite but I remember I did not get offended, lol). And they had also added a "Wishing Well" where a guest can bring something random and small like sun block, or beach towel, etc having to do with vacation/honeymoon themes. Ex., A girl I know had registered at Liberty Travel and the guest can contact the travel agent to make a donation, could be $25 or something here or there or even a gift card and may also possibly be anonymous I think. Nothing forced, but if the guest does want to gift something, at least have it go towards something that you actually want. Just another way of thinking. Sorry for the word overload, haha. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

ashleyep · September 2013

PetKatSold2011 said:

I'm going to play a little devil’s advocate, lol. It is very uncomfortable to ASK for gifts especially cash but I don't think you are really asking as a requirement from what your trying to describe (the wording on the invite does need to be worked on though if not said at all)...sometimes there are people that actually WANT to give at least a little something to show that they are supporting the couple and are gracious to be invited because that is an addition/another expense to the wedding. To expect a gift isn't tasteful, I agree, but like mentioned before, to outline something to not confuse guests especially when it's a bridal(anything) can be another. Times are changing and any help is appreciated. I have recently heard of bridal showers that have said, if you would like to give a gift a contribution for the couple’s honeymoon would be greately appreciated (It was an actual cute saying, trying to remember what was on the invite but I remember I did not get offended, lol). And they had also added a "Wishing Well" where a guest can bring something random and small like sun block, or beach towel, etc having to do with vacation/honeymoon themes. Ex., A girl I know had registered at Liberty Travel and the guest can contact the travel agent to make a donation, could be $25 or something here or there or even a gift card and may also possibly be anonymous I think. Nothing forced, but if the guest does want to gift something, at least have it go towards something that you actually want. Just another way of thinking. Sorry for the word overload, haha.

This is bad advice. Please don't do this. The whole point of a shower is to shower the bride with gifts. How do you have a shower with only checks or gift cards?

LakeR2014 · September 2013

Just throwing it out there....as Bridal Showers in my area are either at brunch or lunch time. I would consider a Bridal Luncheon a different name for a Bridal Shower, more of the host making it known it's at lunch time and still bring a gift.

PetKatSold2011 · September 2013

The gift is the contribution and well wishes. Some couples don't even have an opportunity to go away for their honeymoon. What better gift to give than to try and make that possible? A bridalshower, from the ones I've been to overall, have been to get the girls together and play games and hangout. One bride I was a bridesmaid for decided to open gifts, another I was a maid of honor for decided not to. If it's a contribution OBBBVVIOUSLY you wouldn't sit around while people stare at you open envelopes. Let's be a little open minded here. Ettiquette is slowly evolving. Open up a bit.

ashleyep · September 2013

PetKatSold2011 said:

The gift is the contribution and well wishes. Some couples don't even have an opportunity to go away for their honeymoon. What better gift to give than to try and make that possible? A bridalshower, from the ones I've been to overall, have been to get the girls together and play games and hangout. One bride I was a bridesmaid for decided to open gifts, another I was a maid of honor for decided not to. If it's a contribution OBBBVVIOUSLY you wouldn't sit around while people stare at you open envelopes. Let's be a little open minded here. Ettiquette is slowly evolving. Open up a bit.

You're on the etiquette board, so you're not going to get a different answer. It is never okay to ask for cash. EVER. No one needs to be told cash is an acceptable gift, who doesn't want cash?

I'd be pissed if I went to a shower and the bride didn't open her gifts.

PetKatSold2011 · September 2013

It's not like they are asking for dollar bills to go to the slot machines, it's going towards a honeymoon, which is what she mentioned she possibly hoped for. To me this is just being realistic and putting the couple first. Like I said, it's another way of thinking and isn't advice that she must take due to etiquette or other supposidly mandatory rules to go by. Just a thought. And if you read my message carefully I never told her to use her exact wording and require cash and it was right. And, your on the etiquette board also, to think the bride has to open her gifts and have people compare who got what isn't really nice either. I understand at a shower typically gifts may be open but not all brides choose to do so. In part actually agree with you I'd want to see the bride open gifts but it doesn't go for all situations. To each his own.

PetKatSold2011 · September 2013

BTW I think it's funny that you say you would be "pissed" if you went to a shower and the bride didn't open her gifts. I understand being dissapointed, but pissed, really? These things are supposed to be for the couple and what they want to do.

ashleyep · September 2013

PetKatSold2011 said: It's not like they are asking for dollar bills to go to the slot machines, it's going towards a honeymoon, which is what she mentioned she possibly hoped for. To me this is just being realistic and putting the couple first. Like I said, it's another way of thinking and isn't advice that she must take due to etiquette or other supposidly mandatory rules to go by. Just a thought. And if you read my message carefully I never told her to use her exact wording and require cash and it was right. And, your on the etiquette board also, to think the bride has to open her gifts and have people compare who got what isn't really nice either. I understand at a shower typically gifts may be open but not all brides choose to do so. In part actually agree with you I'd want to see the bride open gifts but it doesn't go for all situations. To each his own.

-----------------------
A bride can choose not to register, and, if prompted, specify that they're not registering for anything, but they are saving for a honeymoon.

A traditional registry exists for the benefit of the guests - they want to get you China, but don't know what pattern you prefer. Or towels but don't know what color, etc. Again, no one needs to be told that cash is an acceptable gift, so registering for a honeymoon is just against etiquette. It's blatantly asking for cash.

And like I said, a shower is for physical gifts. If you don't want physical gifts, don't have a shower, have a luncheon where there is no expectation of gifts.

If she doesn't have a shower, and you want to contribute to her honeymoon, then write her a bigger check at her wedding because you didn't also have to get a shower gift.

Xstatic3333 · September 2013

PetKatSold2011 said:
It's not like they are asking for dollar bills to go to the slot machines, it's going towards a honeymoon, which is what she mentioned she possibly hoped for. To me this is just being realistic and putting the couple first. Like I said, it's another way of thinking and isn't advice that she must take due to etiquette or other supposidly mandatory rules to go by. Just a thought. And if you read my message carefully I never told her to use her exact wording and require cash and it was right. And, your on the etiquette board also, to think the bride has to open her gifts and have people compare who got what isn't really nice either. I understand at a shower typically gifts may be open but not all brides choose to do so. In part actually agree with you I'd want to see the bride open gifts but it doesn't go for all situations. To each his own.

Here's the thing; when I am invited to parties where a honeymoon donations are suggested, I bring a (empty but thoughtful) card. They need money? Well so do I! If I were invited to a bridal luncheon with no mention of gifts, something might go in that card. Asking for money is rude and won't sit well with guests. This is not etiquette that will ever change (at least I hope not!)

And for other brides reading, people will be sad and offended if you don't open their gifts at a shower. People put a lot of thought into their shower gifts. I was absolutely touched by many of mine! Showing your gratitude and excitement in person is important.

OP sounds like you have a good plan! I'm sure your shower or luncheon will be lovely.

PetKatSold2011 · September 2013

I'm actually at work responding quickly, which is my own fault for not focusing. I wanted to reply out of curiosity of what response I'd get. Not sure if it was The Knot but if it was you, thank you so much for taking the time to correct my spelling errors, lol. That within itself shows how knowledgeable you are about etiquette and how nice you really are. By the way, I did not find this conversation specifically on the etiquette board; I saw it on the Knot's main page as a trending topic/discussion. If I would have known it was on the etiquette board I might have reconsidered responding since I do not pretend to be an etiquette expert nor try to push people to one standard.

My opinion is that there are options and different ways people do things. I am sharing experiences from other invitations and bridal showers I have been a part of. You are right in a sense of what is “traditional” and common, physical gifts are in the past the norm. Should a person feel bad because they want gifts to go someplace else, I don’t think so. Then again, I’m just considerate to what the couple really wants.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

Also, like Lake, in my area a Bridal Luncheon isn’t a common thing. I’d just assume it’s an early, afternoon Shower and still bring a gift. The brides area is possibly different.

CoMtnBride · September 2013

Register at a site like Traveler's Joy for piece of your honeymoon. Then people may give you a gift for something you actually want. Instead of announcing amounts, you can talk about all the fun activities people are supporting the two of you for during your honeymoon.

banana468 · September 2013

CoMtnBride said:
Register at a site like Traveler's Joy for piece of your honeymoon. Then people may give you a gift for something you actually want. Instead of announcing amounts, you can talk about all the fun activities people are supporting the two of you for during your honeymoon.

No. Please don't follow this advice. Honeymoon registries are extremely rude.

PetKatSold2011 · September 2013

Yes, if one chooses to not take part, I would assume it is all completely voluntary. Myself, if I know a friend would want something towards a honeymoon or big ticketed item I'd contribute. Then again, I'm not really easily offended. God knows I need money also but whatever will make my friend happy I'd try my best. That just may be me. If someone says, as a gift give money...umm yeah that's a bit harsh and my reply would be join the club, lol.

It's funny because for my own Bridal Shower we have a registry and I will be opening gifts so I'm arguing a battle I'm not even doing, lol. Hence the whole Devil's advocate thing. I loved picking out my china and all else but if another couple decided not to opt to do the same thing, would I be mad they didn't or did something opposite from what I decied to do? No, why would I be mad. It's their wedding/event.

But obviously as it's been noted, aparenttly this is the etiquette board which I guess means there is only one way to do things. I'm not dictating anything. You can all breath easy, lol. Tell the Knot not to make these discussions available unless sought out for.

simplykayla · September 2013

We decided to just go with the luncheon route and make it clear that no gifts are expected. We basically own everything we need, and sure we could upgrade, but making a registry now for the sole purpose of having a bridal shower just made me feel gift grabby. We didn't want a registry from the beginning, so we're stickin to it.

But I'm crazy excited about getting the girls together for the luncheon now! I think she's planning on doing it kind of like a tea party, which is totally my style haha.

@CoMtnBride - Traveler's Joy is a honeymoon registry, which for many reasons is a rude thing to do. But thanks anyway!

@PetKatSold2011 - Thanks for the advice, but I know that asking for cash is rude, and that's exactly why I posted for advice on the situation, because I did not want to ask for cash. Like @ashleyep said, if prompted we will be telling others that we're saving for a honeymoon, but that's it. And we will be having a luncheon where there is no expectation of gifts.

simplykayla · September 2013

Double posted.

photokitty · September 2013

PetKatSold2011 said:

Not sure if it was The Knot but if it was you, thank you so much for taking the time to correct my spelling errors, lol. That within itself shows how knowledgeable you are about etiquette and how nice you really are.

While I don't agree with your stance on asking for money and think it is impolite and bad form.

I whole heartedly agree with the above quote. Some people on this board should practice all around good manners and correcting someone's grammar and/or spelling is not proper etiquette. Neither is name calling or quoting things and simply writing "JIC" or "for the inevitable DD." Offering proper etiquette advice should be done in a gracious and kind way.

kgd7357 · September 2013

We also really do not need any items for the house, but my mom really wants to do a shower. I'm putting together a small registry for family members that don’t know me too well and asking my mom to keep the invites on the low side. A shower really is about the gifts though, so if you are going to go the shower route (which I guess you are not), don't confuse people. I also think it's totally okay for your close friends to go off registry. I usually like to find out where they are going on honeymoon, and get something for it. A beachy perfume, a guide book, and cute sunglasses have been a something I like to give and have nothing to do with your kitchen. When I was just out of college, I made photo boards for my friend's bridal showers. It took more time, but was not expensive, and people always loved it. For the weddings though, I always give cash or a gift card to one of the registry locations. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

On the gift opening note, I agree that this is typically part of the shower. Some people think it's awkward though. I recently went to a shower where they did gift opening bingo. You filled in bingo sheets with gifts you thought might get opened (and of course your table all gives each other hints as to what they brought), then as the gifts were opened and bingos were called, the MOH gave out little gifts. It made the gift opening way more fun.

PetKatSold2011 · September 2013

Great, so no need for the wording and still mentioning saving for honeymoon if someone asks, understood and not completely far off of what I possibly would have done. I never felt this bride was really asking just for "cash" but everyone's preception is different, I get it. I'm sure you will have a blast at your luncheon.

Interesting conversation ladies.

Good luck to you all!

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