Requesting help from the future in-laws... graciously

mustbedreaming · September 2013

So I have a little etiquette question... Way back in the beginning if all the wedding planning (February), my FMIL asked my mom if she and my dad wanted any financial help with the wedding (6/28/14). My parents said no, trying to be polite, and everybody moved on. Now we're all starting to realize just how crazy expensive some if these things are (a $900 delivery and installation fee for the flowers?!). My parents really don't need the FIL's help but my mom thought it would be nice for them to pay for some of the traditional things that the groom's side pays for (bridal bouquet, boutonnieres, corsages, officiant's fee) so it frees up some of our budget for other things (the flowers are mainly what's bringing us over budget). So my question is how do you politely bring this up with my FI's parents? Would it be rude to even mention it or should I have FI broach the subject?

itzMS · September 2013

mustbedreaming said:

So I have a little etiquette question... Way back in the beginning if all the wedding planning (February), my FMIL asked my mom if she and my dad wanted any financial help with the wedding (6/28/14). My parents said no, trying to be polite, and everybody moved on. Now we're all starting to realize just how crazy expensive some if these things are (a $900 delivery and installation fee for the flowers?!). My parents really don't need the FIL's help but my mom thought it would be nice for them to pay for some of the traditional things that the groom's side pays for (bridal bouquet, boutonnieres, corsages, officiant's fee) so it frees up some of our budget for other things (the flowers are mainly what's bringing us over budget). So my question is how do you politely bring this up with my FI's parents? Would it be rude to even mention it or should I have FI broach the subject?

Sorry, but it seems like this ship has sailed. Your parents declining help from the get-go has closed the book on that topic. There aren't "traditional" things that the groom's side pays for any longer, so unfortunately, that's not a good excuse either.

Why don't you and FI contribute to the wedding costs?

OliveOilsMom · September 2013

mustbedreaming said:

So I have a little etiquette question... Way back in the beginning if all the wedding planning (February), my FMIL asked my mom if she and my dad wanted any financial help with the wedding (6/28/14). My parents said no, trying to be polite, and everybody moved on. Now we're all starting to realize just how crazy expensive some if these things are (a $900 delivery and installation fee for the flowers?!). My parents really don't need the FIL's help but my mom thought it would be nice for them to pay for some of the traditional things that the groom's side pays for (bridal bouquet, boutonnieres, corsages, officiant's fee) so it frees up some of our budget for other things (the flowers are mainly what's bringing us over budget). So my question is how do you politely bring this up with my FI's parents? Would it be rude to even mention it or should I have FI broach the subject?

In short you can't. If your FILs were continually bringing up assisting, then at that point you could say - well yes, FMIL what would you like to help with? We really appreciate this assistance.

If your flowers are overbudget, the do different flowers or find another florist. If $900 is set up and delivery fee, the flowers are probably big and elaborate. Scale back. Find alternative centerpieces. Get a PT job to make up the difference in the budget.

KatWAG · September 2013

itzMS said:

mustbedreaming said:

So I have a little etiquette question... Way back in the beginning if all the wedding planning (February), my FMIL asked my mom if she and my dad wanted any financial help with the wedding (6/28/14). My parents said no, trying to be polite, and everybody moved on. Now we're all starting to realize just how crazy expensive some if these things are (a $900 delivery and installation fee for the flowers?!). My parents really don't need the FIL's help but my mom thought it would be nice for them to pay for some of the traditional things that the groom's side pays for (bridal bouquet, boutonnieres, corsages, officiant's fee) so it frees up some of our budget for other things (the flowers are mainly what's bringing us over budget). So my question is how do you politely bring this up with my FI's parents? Would it be rude to even mention it or should I have FI broach the subject?

Sorry, but it seems like this ship has sailed. Your parents declining help from the get-go has closed the book on that topic. There aren't "traditional" things that the groom's side pays for any longer, so unfortunately, that's not a good excuse either.

Why don't you and FI contribute to the wedding costs?

ding, ding, ding!!! Asking anyone to contribute to your wedding is rude. Plan a wedding that you can afford. Or postpone your wedding until you can save more.

ETA: major spelling fail.

mustbedreaming · September 2013

@itzMS It wasn't an excuse, just an idea of things they could help with based on old tradition. FI and I are already helping. I had a feeling it was a bad idea to ask (which is why I came here for advice instead of bulldozing ahead). My mom is just regretting her initial proud refusal for help and I feel badly for her. FMIL also told FI the other day that she wants to pay for us to have a huge live band at the reception so I still think she does want to contribute in some way. I just wish we could redirect her efforts. And yeah I agree the $900 fee is crazy. And supposedly it has nothing to do with size/type of flowers because they revised the proposal for us 3 different times and even with the $5000 different between the first and last proposal, the installation was the same fee. This is already the second florist we've looked at and we set up a meeting for next week with another one. *sorry if this is all in a chunk; i don't think my line breaks are showing up*

Xstatic3333 · September 2013

I bet you'll be able to find a better deal with another florist. Good call on not asking; if she offers again you can always accept. I would just scale back your flower plans as much as possible. You could always check with a local grocery store; many have florists that will do weddings.

itzMS · September 2013

Xstatic3333 said:

I bet you'll be able to find a better deal with another florist. Good call on not asking; if she offers again you can always accept. I would just scale back your flower plans as much as possible. You could always check with a local grocery store; many have florists that will do weddings.

This. A local grocery store did my entire 260 guest wedding for $1,200.

$900 just for delivery and setup is ridiculous.

southernbelle0915 · September 2013

mustbedreaming said:
@itzMS It wasn't an excuse, just an idea of things they could help with based on old tradition. FI and I are already helping. I had a feeling it was a bad idea to ask (which is why I came here for advice instead of bulldozing ahead). My mom is just regretting her initial proud refusal for help and I feel badly for her. FMIL also told FI the other day that she wants to pay for us to have a huge live band at the reception so I still think she does want to contribute in some way. I just wish we could redirect her efforts.

And yeah I agree the $900 fee is crazy. And supposedly it has nothing to do with size/type of flowers because they revised the proposal for us 3 different times and even with the $5000 different between the first and last proposal, the installation was the same fee. This is already the second florist we've looked at and we set up a meeting for next week with another one.

*sorry if this is all in a chunk; i don't think my line breaks are showing up*

Wait, your first and second proposals were $5K different?!?! Either you're planning a luxury wedding (and definitely shouldn't ask others to fund it) or your florist is totally fucking you over (in which case you need another florist)... Or both.

mustbedreaming · September 2013

@Xstatic3333 The grocery store idea is awesome! I had no idea that was even an option. Do they provide vases?

mustbedreaming · September 2013

@southernbelle0915 Yes, it was a HUGE difference! Which I thought was so crazy. The first proposal was $8000 before tax and installation and the last one was $3000 before. We didn't even ask for anything outrageous in terms of center pieces and I didn't want any exotic flowers but somehow it's so frickin' expensive. There are 250 guests though so maybe that's why???

mustbedreaming · September 2013

@Shefoundadventure I'm not sure if it's common or not. I think that's older tradition but nowadays I'm sure that families just work it out together based on what's needed/agreed upon. I found it in "the ultimate wedding planner and organizer" book that I have (by Alex and Elizabeth Lluch)

itzMS · September 2013

mustbedreaming said:

Xstatic3333 The grocery store idea is awesome! I had no idea that was even an option. Do they provide vases?

If provide you mean they'll have them for you to buy or pay to rent as part of your order, then yes.

We paid for the rental of 3ft and 4ft glass cylinders and bought some other vessels that couldn't be rented.

Definitely get another florist. If you need help cutting any other costs, let us know.

mustbedreaming · September 2013

Thanks, itzMS! Really it's only been the flowers that are outrageous. I will definitely be calling some local grocery stores next week.

southernbelle0915 · September 2013

mustbedreaming said:
@southernbelle0915 Yes, it was a HUGE difference! Which I thought was so crazy. The first proposal was $8000 before tax and installation and the last one was $3000 before. We didn't even ask for anything outrageous in terms of center pieces and I didn't want any exotic flowers but somehow it's so frickin' expensive. There are 250 guests though so maybe that's why???

@Maggie0829 - how is that even possible? (Maggie worked in a florist shop)

The price you get quoted isn't based on the number of people you have. It's based on how many arrangements you have, how big they are, if you're doing local vs. non-local flowers, in season vs out of season, etc. Some people have entire weddings with 250 people for $8,000.

My guess is that you are having a luxury wedding - which is totally cool but you can't pick out super expensive stuff and then expect other people to pay for it.. KWIM? H and I had what would be considered a luxury wedding - my parents gave us some money and we paid for the rest because hats what we wanted.

Those lists you see on who traditionally pays for what are created by the wedding industry to make more money on weddings - and they definitely don't care if you're rude to people by panhandling for money. It's awesome you came here first to avoid this faux pas with your FMIL.

Basically plan on paying for your own wedding yourself. And thank your parents often for helping financing it.

BMoreBride6 · September 2013

We will have 200 guests and went with some very intricate floral designs and flowers and ours was $3,500. They are ripping you off

NYCMercedes · September 2013

OP, though asking people for money is rude, your fiance is the one to discuss this with his parents, if you choose to go that route. You and your parents should stay out of the conversation. For example, if they ask to pay for the live band, HE could say something like, "now that you mention it,..." Oh, and I forgot to add that if you were to accept financial help, then that earns them input into the selection, discussion.

Grabows14 · September 2013

I think $2k is reasonable for 200 people, but I live in the Chicago land area, and we are trying to cut that down to $1200.

STARMOON44 · September 2013

I think if she's calling to offer to pay for something, it's fine for your FI to say "you know, we hadn't considered that, thank you so much. i think it might be more helpful for us, if you'd like to contribute, if you picked up part of the cost of the flowers, but it's completely up to you, and thank you again"

But I talk about money with my folks. Not in a "cough it up now" way, but I think if she's indicated that she would like to contribute, it's fine to discuss a little.

Dreamergirl8812 · September 2013

Unhelpful comment:

Did anyone else notice this? On the Etiquette board you see "Requesting money graciously" and then look over and see it was written by mustbedreaming?

Hee hee.

Belle2188 · September 2013

My delivery fee is like $100. You're getting ripped off. Look into less elaborate centerpieces and businesses that don't charge ridiculous fees. I'm doing submerged orchids and my centerpieces for 16 tables are costing me under $1000 including set up. My whole floral package is under $2k for what most would consider a luxury wedding and my florist is one of the more expensive in my area (which isn't a cheap area to begin with).

mustbedreaming · September 2013

@Grabows14 I live in Chicago too

. What florists have you looked at?

I don't feel that we're having a "luxury wedding" (I'm not even sure what that means since it seems pretty subjective as to what constitutes as luxury), nor do I "expect" other people to pay for it. I am VERY grateful for what my parents are doing for us as I would be grateful for help from FI's parents. As stated in my original post, the last thing I want to do is be rude to anyone. I just wanted to know the best way to approach the situation.

I think having FI talk about it with FMIL when she brings it up is a good way to go, if at all. And of course it would be fine for her to have input in the decisions if she does contribute.

Xstatic3333 · September 2013

I think it depends on the store! I know in my area, Whole Foods and Wegmans will do full-blown centerpiece creation like any other florist. A lot of more DIY brides use Sam's or Costco. They will do loose flowers and bouquets.

Disclaimer: I didn't actually use any of these myself, but I found a budget-friendly florist. They do exist!

ETA forgot to quote-this was answering OP's question about whether grocery stores provide vases.

Abbyjensen · September 2013

@itzMS It wasn't an excuse, just an idea of things they could help with based on old tradition. FI and I are already helping. I had a feeling it was a bad idea to ask (which is why I came here for advice instead of bulldozing ahead). My mom is just regretting her initial proud refusal for help and I feel badly for her. FMIL also told FI the other day that she wants to pay for us to have a huge live band at the reception so I still think she does want to contribute in some way. I just wish we could redirect her efforts. And yeah I agree the $900 fee is crazy. And supposedly it has nothing to do with size/type of flowers because they revised the proposal for us 3 different times and even with the $5000 different between the first and last proposal, the installation was the same fee. This is already the second florist we've looked at and we set up a meeting for next week with another one. *sorry if this is all in a chunk; i don't think my line breaks are showing up*

If she starts mentioning things she would like to pay for, that might be an OK time for your FI (not anyone else) to mention something else in addition to/instead of, if he can find a way to fit it easily into the conversation. I think she has money she wants to contribute to the wedding and wants to be generous.

If you are on an iPad and typing, your line breaks won't show up. Any time you want to skip a line, write "< br >< br >", but leave out the spaces (and the quotation marks). It's a basic HTML tip!

Bubbles2014 · September 2013

If his parents have offered to pay for a band and you don't want one it would be OK to ask if instead of a band could they help with something else. Something like, "Oh, we already have a DJ booked, but we would love some help with the flowers" wouldn't be rude, and it isn't asking for money but asking for the money being offered to go in a different direction.

Grabows14 · September 2013

@Grabows14 I live in Chicago too . What florists have you looked at? I don't feel that we're having a "luxury wedding" (I'm not even sure what that means since it seems pretty subjective as to what constitutes as luxury), nor do I "expect" other people to pay for it. I am VERY grateful for what my parents are doing for us as I would be grateful for help from FI's parents. As stated in my original post, the last thing I want to do is be rude to anyone. I just wanted to know the best way to approach the situation. I think having FI talk about it with FMIL when she brings it up is a good way to go, if at all. And of course it would be fine for her to have input in the decisions if she does contribute.

@mustbedreaming so far only Four Finches in Evanston. 3 family members have used them, for their wedding and loved them.

Teddy917 · September 2013

You could ask if they would like to help with anything. Then they can say what they comfortable doing (monetary or otherwise).

Maggie0829 · September 2013

@Grabows14 - I am only going to comment on the flower price portion since southernbelle directed me towards here. What all are you getting? How many arrangements? Bouquets? Ceremony decor? Other reception decor? Types of flowers being used? Special containers being ordered? If I know the answers to these questions then I could comment better on your price.

Of course flower prices vary from region to region and store to store. Have you checked out anywhere else in your area to compare quotes?

For the delivery fee, did you ask the store why it was so much? Just because you reduce the amount of money you are spending on flowers does not mean the delivery fee goes down. How far away is the shop from your venue, cause if it is a good distance that could be a reason. Personally I think that is a pretty high fee for delivery and setup, but I would ask them to explain the fee just so you aren't like "WTF?"

Grabows14 · September 2013

Yea i get you. We don't have everything finalized but I'll private message you the breakdown so far.

loca4pook · September 2013

alisonmarie658 said:

Agree with itzMS -- don't ask them for help.

And if you have a $900 delivery and installation fee for flowers you are getting royally screwed over.

I agree. What the hell are they "installing"? LOL..... Scale back

loca4pook · September 2013

mustbedreaming said:

@itzMS It wasn't an excuse, just an idea of things they could help with based on old tradition. FI and I are already helping. I had a feeling it was a bad idea to ask (which is why I came here for advice instead of bulldozing ahead). My mom is just regretting her initial proud refusal for help and I feel badly for her. FMIL also told FI the other day that she wants to pay for us to have a huge live band at the reception so I still think she does want to contribute in some way. I just wish we could redirect her efforts. And yeah I agree the $900 fee is crazy. And supposedly it has nothing to do with size/type of flowers because they revised the proposal for us 3 different times and even with the $5000 different between the first and last proposal, the installation was the same fee. This is already the second florist we've looked at and we set up a meeting for next week with another one. *sorry if this is all in a chunk; i don't think my line breaks are showing up*

IF you are spending 5000.00 on flowers, you need to seriously consider the extravegance of your wedding if you aren't paying for it yourself. That is RIDICULOUS to assume anyone ELSE should spend that type of money just alone on flowers..

melbelleup · September 2013

I never heard of the groom's parents ever paying for flowers.....

def get more quotes. That's how I found out my florist isn't ripping me off. Mine is only $60 for delivery. You might want to find a closer florist.

Requesting help from the future in-laws... graciously

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