Bridesmaid dress dilemma - Update

vainemerald · September 2013

My close friend said yes to being in my wedding when I asked her after I got engaged. She is a single mom and I offered to buy her dress. When we went dress shopping she was annoyed and not cooperative. With the help of my MOH I brushed that off. We picked a dress we liked and ordered it. Because she was not willing to try stuff on at the dress shop, we got the wrong size. She assured me she would fit into it. Now it has been two months since the dress came in and when I asked her whether or not it fit her response was that she would try it on two weeks before the wedding. I know she doesn't have money for alterations and either do I. I have a feeling that she is uncomfortable with being a bridesmaid as she doesn't usually wear dresses and I have never seen her in heels. What I want to know is how to I discuss this with her? I have given her an "out" twice now and she hasn't taken it. The last thing I want to do is hurt my friend's feelings but forcing her into a dress that is too small, asking her to wear heels, do her hair and makeup for my special day just seems like it is asking a lot of her. I am not having any other issues with the girls like this and I really don't need the stress of her being uncooperative.

schellzinator · September 2013

Based on your other post - it sounds like you are really stressed out about your friend

- which sucks when it is such a happy occasion.

I could be wrong but I think that it sounds like she will most likely be taking herself out of the wedding if she is uncomfortable in the dress she most likely won't want to stand up as a bridesmaid...The only requirements of the bridesmaid is to wear the dress and stand next to you.

On a side note - Are you paying for the girls to get their hair and makeup as well as their shoes? Not sure if you perused the other boards yet - but I've learned that it is poor etiquette to ask your bridal party to pay for those things if you are requiring them to do so. Maybe you could give her the option to wear flats and to do her own hair and makeup? That could also be a big stressor for her right now too - it doesn't sound like she has the $$ for that stuff...

vainemerald · September 2013

@schellzinator no I am not requiring professional hair and make-up but I would like them to at least do their own. You're right, she could wear flats. But if her dress doesn't fit what's the point? That's the biggest issue right now.

vainemerald · September 2013

prettybirdy27 so I don't go over to her house and ask that she try it on? Like I said originally, I don't want to hurt her feelings but I do want this resolved. If she isn't going to be in the wedding I would like to know now being that is five weeks away.

shaylagirl · September 2013

You know, I wonder if the reason she didn't try the dress on was because she was embarrassed having to have you pay for it?

Sounds weird, but I know sometimes when I'm uncomfortable, I get grumpy and irritated, ESPECIALLY when someone is doing something nice for me, and I feel guilty about it, I turn in to a grouch so that they perhaps will back off and/or retract their niceness.

I'm weird.

But, honestly, that's what first came to mind when you mentioned she wouldn't cooperate. Perhaps she felt she shouldn't have any input if she wasn't paying?

Which may also be why she's not trying it on; she was embarrassed to have help, then it's now to small (which is her fault for not being fitted in the first place), and now it's all snowballing, so if she keeps putting her head in the sand like an ostrich, then nothing is really wrong and she doesn't have to face reality.

She might be on some kind of mad, crazy diet trying to drop weight to get in to this dress. Who knows.

She might be deluding herself that she IS, somehow magically, going to fit in to this dress 2 weeks before your wedding.

I mean, are you SURE this dress is too small to fit her? How do you know she hasn't tried it on yet? Did she try it on when she picked it up or it was delivered to her? Maybe it's pretty close to fitting?

Besides the sizing issue, what other alterations need to be made? Sounds odd, but if she can get it on, otherwise, will it work? In other words, does it -really- need to be hemmed and tucked and fitted? If not, then if she can fit in to it, maybe some double-sided tape to "hem" it the day of, and leave it at that?

It does sound like you two need to sit down and have a heart to heart, face to face. Maybe invite her out for coffee. Ask her, with heartfelt sincerity, how she is. If her life is going okay. It might be that her life is going to hell in a handbasket, but she doesn't want to tell you because she doesn't want to bring you down. Perhaps some compassion will her to open up to you and open the door for a heart to heart, and maybe help you get to the root of what's going on in her head.

Not that I'm saying you don't care, and haven't asked...but sometimes when we're face to face, it is MUCH harder to hide or conceal what's truly happening in our hearts and minds.

Good luck. I hope that it somehow works out!!

vainemerald · September 2013

shaylagirl I am really not sure what her reasoning is. She might be embarrassed by the whole money situation, I don't know. I wish she would open up to me and be honest. I was raised with the saying, "actions speak louder than words" her actions are indicating that she does not want to be involved.

I had the dress sent to my house and brought it over to her a few months ago. She was really resistant to putting it on then and I finally got her to try it on and it only zipped 2/3's of the way up. I suggested we return it for a bigger size and she assured me it would fit the day of

I like your idea of sitting down for a heart to heart. I have been very stressed out by this and it is all consuming. To some it might not be a big deal but to me this speaks volumes of our friendship. If she were such a good friend would she be putting me through this stress? I am no sure, and I don't even know if she is aware of how worried about this I am. Thank you for your input.

Sgreen19 · September 2013

you may just need to go talk to her i had to talk to one of my god friends who is a young mother who was gonna be a bridesmaid and just asked her how she felt and told her honestly if she felt she couldn't afford it that it was ok and i understood.. now this was before dresses were purchased. maybe you just need to sit down and talk to her

vainemerald · September 2013

prettybirdy27 That is a really good point and honestly I don't trust that a dress that is too small will fit my friend five weeks out. I called her mom last week who knows how to do alterations to see whether or not she could help me with some of my anxiety with this. She wasn't very helpful and said that her daughter isn't going to listen to her anymore than she is going to listen to me. My friend accepted my offer to purchase her dress and maybe I twisted her arm to do so. I don't really think she wants to stand up for me, I wish she would have just said that to begin with. Some people just don't understand how these things work and I didn't realize she was one of these people until after I asked her to stand up for me.

Sgreen19 said I think I am going to try to talk to her. I don't want to pressure her but if she is uncomfortable with the whole ordeal she should say so. Sadly the dress has been purchased and the fact remains that it is too small. It might be less stressful for her to come and enjoy the wedding as a guest and not have the responsibility of being in the wedding party. If she is squeezed into a dress that doesn't fit her properly it could ruin her whole day. She won't want to take pictures and might not be able to enjoy herself if she can't breathe the whole night.

I might be overthinking this whole thing but I don't think I am. I think I am going to tell her that if she can't/doesn't want to resolve the whole dress thing that it is okay and I will not be upset. She can still be included and involved in the wedding but if the dress doesn't fit she can't walk down the aisle. Don't I have a right to know where she stands with this?

vainemerald · September 2013

Okay ladies, here goes. I am writing an update today because I spoke with my friend/maid yesterday and had I taken the advice of some PP I would not be feeling as guilty as I do today. You guys were right, I should have trusted her. She has a plan to get the dress handled and while that is really all I was trying to accomplish I hurt her feelings in the process. She has been a dear friend to me for over four years and through my selfishness of wedding planning I caused strife between us. Whether this was my intention or not (it wasn't) it happened. The conversation ended well and I have been reassured that she is taking care of business, that she does want to be included and that in no way shape or form is she feeling uncomfortable. I just wish I wouldn't have dwelled on this on aspect of my wedding so much that I literally lost sleep over it and truly offended a close friend. Thankfully we were able to laugh off my bridezilla-ness in the end but from here on out I vow to not create unnecessary drama with friends or otherwise. On a last note I can see why is it important to vent frustrations to this community who is not directly involved and who do give excellent advice. Shame on me for letting my emotions take control.

Sgreen19 · September 2013

vainemerald said:

Okay ladies, here goes. I am writing an update today because I spoke with my friend/maid yesterday and had I taken the advice of some PP I would not be feeling as guilty as I do today. You guys were right, I should have trusted her. She has a plan to get the dress handled and while that is really all I was trying to accomplish I hurt her feelings in the process. She has been a dear friend to me for over four years and through my selfishness of wedding planning I caused strife between us. Whether this was my intention or not (it wasn't) it happened. The conversation ended well and I have been reassured that she is taking care of business, that she does want to be included and that in no way shape or form is she feeling uncomfortable. I just wish I wouldn't have dwelled on this on aspect of my wedding so much that I literally lost sleep over it and truly offended a close friend. Thankfully we were able to laugh off my bridezilla-ness in the end but from here on out I vow to not create unnecessary drama with friends or otherwise. On a last note I can see why is it important to vent frustrations to this community who is not directly involved and who do give excellent advice. Shame on me for letting my emotions take control.

I'm so glad that everything was figured out for you!

schellzinator · September 2013

I'm so glad it worked out for you!!!

shaylagirl · September 2013

I'm glad you two got to sit down and talk, even if you feel you were in the wrong (for the record, I still don't think you were wrong to at least check in with her).

It sounds like you both handled it well. And, hooray for removing one stressful thing from your plate!!

Bridesmaid dress dilemma - Update

Re: Bridesmaid dress dilemma - Update

Choose Another Board

Search Boards