Am I being selfish? (Long)

Aschive · September 2013

Ok so ladies I have another question. My BF and I met 2 years ago and I had just graduated high school and was off to a school 6 hours away. It was the farthest I have been away from my family and now I had this new BF, so it was really hard and I decided to come home after just a month. I am glad that I did and that I waited to continue school. I worked with my mom for about 6 months after that and so after dating for around 9 months I moved in with his family so I could find work in his town since he comes from a town of over 30,000 people and my home town has under 1,000 and the closest towns were 45 minutes away. There are also three schools there as well. Anyway, so we lived in his parents basement for just over a year and I would get to see my parents every other weekend and that is about it, except for holidays. Well now that we have our own apartment he goes to his parents house every other day and will stay there all day while I am lucky to get to see my parents my other weekend. My mom and sister make trips down every once in awhile but it is still not the same as having a whole weekend. If I am gone during the day my BF will go to his parents instead of staying home and cleaning up, but yet if I stay at home and don't do anything it seems like the world is going to end! I do not see how this is fair in any way. At our "Apartment warming picnic" he said something along the lines of 'I work 40+ hours a week so I shouldn't have to clean the apartment' to my stepdad who takes care of most of the cleaning in my parents house, (he also works 40+ hours and drives an hour each way to work) So I try to bring up these points to him that I wish he would spend time at the apartment and help clean it up instead of going to his parents (which they live 5 minuets away) because I don't get to see my family that often, I don't think it is fair. I see his point but also, it gets in the way of our daily time together before each of us goes to work. Also, at 2 years is it fair to want him to come to all family holidays? Or is that just me being a b*tch and wanting everything to be my way? Any thoughts on how to talk about this and work through it?

(I apologize for the bad grammar and spelling and also the run on. I just wanted to get everything in my head down before I forgot.)

cu97tiger · September 2013

Aschive said:

Ok so ladies I have another question. My BF and I met 2 years ago and I had just graduated high school and was off to a school 6 hours away. It was the farthest I have been away from my family and now I had this new BF, so it was really hard and I decided to come home after just a month. I am glad that I did and that I waited to continue school. I worked with my mom for about 6 months after that and so after dating for around 9 months I moved in with his family so I could find work in his town since he comes from a town of over 30,000 people and my home town has under 1,000 and the closest towns were 45 minutes away. There are also three schools there as well. Anyway, so we lived in his parents basement for just over a year and I would get to see my parents every other weekend and that is about it, except for holidays. Well now that we have our own apartment he goes to his parents house every other day and will stay there all day while I am lucky to get to see my parents my other weekend. My mom and sister make trips down every once in awhile but it is still not the same as having a whole weekend. If I am gone during the day my BF will go to his parents instead of staying home and cleaning up, but yet if I stay at home and don't do anything it seems like the world is going to end! I do not see how this is fair in any way. At our "Apartment warming picnic" he said something along the lines of 'I work 40+ hours a week so I shouldn't have to clean the apartment' to my stepdad who takes care of most of the cleaning in my parents house, (he also works 40+ hours and drives an hour each way to work) So I try to bring up these points to him that I wish he would spend time at the apartment and help clean it up instead of going to his parents (which they live 5 minuets away) because I don't get to see my family that often, I don't think it is fair. I see his point but also, it gets in the way of our daily time together before each of us goes to work. Also, at 2 years is it fair to want him to come to all family holidays? Or is that just me being a b*tch and wanting everything to be my way?
(I apologize for the bad grammar and spelling and also the run on. I just wanted to get everything in my head down before I forgot.)

1- I just want to make sure I have this straight - roughly nine months after you graduated from high school, you moved in with your boyfriend's house with his family?

2- While I realize that for some people, only seeing their family every other weekend would be different from the norm, the way you phrased this makes me think that you are still really dependent on them.

3- It doesn't sound fair at all. You're an adult in an adult relationship, so you need to talk to your BF about this. How do chores get separated? How does he feel about doing 'women's work'? Are these compatible with your own beliefs?

4- It is absolutely fair to invite your BF of 2+ years to every family holiday. As long as you realize that he is not required to be there, and there will often be conflicts with his family gatherings. You will need to navigate these issues as a couple.

Honestly, you're young, and it sounds like you and your BF are running into issues that are more mature than you are.

CrazyCatLady3 · September 2013

Are you back in school in your new town and/or working?

If you live together he should be pitching in for cleaning, but if one of you works more than the other I could see having the cleaning time be uneven. As for coming to "all" holidays, I wouldn't expect that. He should come to some. Even married couples have to compromise as to whose family holidays they go to.

CrazyCatLady3 · September 2013

cu97tiger said:

Aschive said:

Ok so ladies I have another question. My BF and I met 2 years ago and I had just graduated high school and was off to a school 6 hours away. It was the farthest I have been away from my family and now I had this new BF, so it was really hard and I decided to come home after just a month. I am glad that I did and that I waited to continue school. I worked with my mom for about 6 months after that and so after dating for around 9 months I moved in with his family so I could find work in his town since he comes from a town of over 30,000 people and my home town has under 1,000 and the closest towns were 45 minutes away. There are also three schools there as well. Anyway, so we lived in his parents basement for just over a year and I would get to see my parents every other weekend and that is about it, except for holidays. Well now that we have our own apartment he goes to his parents house every other day and will stay there all day while I am lucky to get to see my parents my other weekend. My mom and sister make trips down every once in awhile but it is still not the same as having a whole weekend. If I am gone during the day my BF will go to his parents instead of staying home and cleaning up, but yet if I stay at home and don't do anything it seems like the world is going to end! I do not see how this is fair in any way. At our "Apartment warming picnic" he said something along the lines of 'I work 40+ hours a week so I shouldn't have to clean the apartment' to my stepdad who takes care of most of the cleaning in my parents house, (he also works 40+ hours and drives an hour each way to work) So I try to bring up these points to him that I wish he would spend time at the apartment and help clean it up instead of going to his parents (which they live 5 minuets away) because I don't get to see my family that often, I don't think it is fair. I see his point but also, it gets in the way of our daily time together before each of us goes to work. Also, at 2 years is it fair to want him to come to all family holidays? Or is that just me being a b*tch and wanting everything to be my way?
(I apologize for the bad grammar and spelling and also the run on. I just wanted to get everything in my head down before I forgot.)

1- I just want to make sure I have this straight - roughly nine months after you graduated from high school, you moved in with your boyfriend's house with his family?

2- While I realize that for some people, only seeing their family every other weekend would be different from the norm, the way you phrased this makes me think that you are still really dependent on them.

3- It doesn't sound fair at all. You're an adult in an adult relationship, so you need to talk to your BF about this. How do chores get separated? How does he feel about doing 'women's work'? Are these compatible with your own beliefs?

4- It is absolutely fair to invite your BF of 2+ years to every family holiday. As long as you realize that he is not required to be there, and there will often be conflicts with his family gatherings. You will need to navigate these issues as a couple.

Honestly, you're young, and it sounds like you and your BF are running into issues that are more mature than you are.

Agreed. It might be best to live on your own for a while to establish yourself as an individual before attempting a successful live-in relationship. Going back to school to finish a degree for yourself would help along these lines.

KeptInStitches · September 2013

Aschive said:

Ok so ladies I have another question. My BF and I met 2 years ago and I had just graduated high school and was off to a school 6 hours away. It was the farthest I have been away from my family and now I had this new BF, so it was really hard and I decided to come home after just a month. I am glad that I did and that I waited to continue school. I worked with my mom for about 6 months after that and so after dating for around 9 months I moved in with his family so I could find work in his town since he comes from a town of over 30,000 people and my home town has under 1,000 and the closest towns were 45 minutes away. There are also three schools there as well. Anyway, so we lived in his parents basement for just over a year and I would get to see my parents every other weekend and that is about it, except for holidays. Well now that we have our own apartment he goes to his parents house every other day and will stay there all day while I am lucky to get to see my parents my other weekend. My mom and sister make trips down every once in awhile but it is still not the same as having a whole weekend. If I am gone during the day my BF will go to his parents instead of staying home and cleaning up, but yet if I stay at home and don't do anything it seems like the world is going to end! I do not see how this is fair in any way. At our "Apartment warming picnic" he said something along the lines of 'I work 40+ hours a week so I shouldn't have to clean the apartment' to my stepdad who takes care of most of the cleaning in my parents house, (he also works 40+ hours and drives an hour each way to work) So I try to bring up these points to him that I wish he would spend time at the apartment and help clean it up instead of going to his parents (which they live 5 minuets away) because I don't get to see my family that often, I don't think it is fair. I see his point but also, it gets in the way of our daily time together before each of us goes to work. Also, at 2 years is it fair to want him to come to all family holidays? Or is that just me being a b*tch and wanting everything to be my way? Any thoughts on how to talk about this and work through it?
(I apologize for the bad grammar and spelling and also the run on. I just wanted to get everything in my head down before I forgot.)

1.) I'm not sure of timelines - when did everything happen? Was it 9 months after high school graduation that you moved in with your BF's family?

2.) You both need to talk about how much time you spend with your families, both together and individually, and how household chores are divided. The results need to be fair to both of you and meet some - but probably not all - of each of your expectations.

3.) Family holidays are hard. I've had to learn to share holidays with BF - previous BFs and I didn't have this problem because we didn't date long enough for it to be a problem, and my family only celebrated with one side for every single holiday I can remember, so I never grew up seeing mom's family for one Christmas, then dad's family for the other. Honestly, after almost 5 years of dating, last year was the first time we saw both of our families for Christmas on or near Christmas Day. He has always come to my holidays. It came to a head when his step-mom and dad summoned me for Christmas after 3 years of dating without taking into account my preferences for the holiday (and it turned into a full-blown fight after my grandfather died a month before that Christmas). Could you compromise on which holidays are spent with which familes?

Aschive · September 2013

@cu97tiger

1) 9 months after starting dating I moved into his parent's house. He has a now 17 year old sister, a almost 21 year old brother and then his parents.

2) I love being on my own. I feel I did not have the greatest relationship with my step-dad growing up, but he is currently paying for my car insurance, so it must not have been too bad. I have been paying for what I want (phone, clothes, going out money, etc.) since I was around 14-15 so that is not any different. I was an only child for 8 years and it was always just my mom and I, so it is different now that I am grown and moved away, I really miss my sister. She just started 7th grade this past Monday, and I feel like I am missing out on watching her grow up. We have been through a lot together these last few years and I am just worried about how she is going to grow up.

3) I used to have a chart but it never got done/I ended up doing everything. I don't think he has a problem doing anything (except cleaning out a clogged tub.It make him gag and I had to do that too.) I work part-time so I can see why he would think I have time, but at the same time even an offer to help me wash the dishes would be appreciated. We have talked about this to much extent and it usually ends up in a small fight.

4) This is where I have the over bearing control freak attitude. I feel like there is really no reason to not be able to make it to both families holidays. My parents have been doing it since I can remember and my family usually has it on a off day, but my biggest thing is that around Thanksgiving he goes hunting and only comes back for his family's dinner, but I feel like he should try to make time for mine.

I feel like we are in over our heads as well, but I also feel like there is still hope. I can't imagine life without him, but also sometimes I can't see it with him. Is this bad and a sign to consider moving on?

queenofhearts1728 · September 2013

I don't think you're being selfish. I had a similar situation with my BF when we first moved in together. He paid the majority of the bills while I was in school, so our agreement was I would do most, if not all, of the cleaning. It felt unfair a lot of the times, and once I started working more it was an adjustment to make it more even, but it was fair to contribute in another way than in money. Are you both contributing evenly to bills? Is there any reason other than he works 40 hours that he feels he shouldn't clean?

As PPs have said, the holidays is something you need to discuss and plan out together. you don't necessary have to spend them together if you'd both rather be with your respective families.

CLoGreenEyes · September 2013

Aschive said:

Ok so ladies I have another question. My BF and I met 2 years ago and I had just graduated high school and was off to a school 6 hours away. It was the farthest I have been away from my family and now I had this new BF, so it was really hard and I decided to come home after just a month. I am glad that I did and that I waited to continue school. I worked with my mom for about 6 months after that and so after dating for around 9 months I moved in with his family so I could find work in his town since he comes from a town of over 30,000 people and my home town has under 1,000 and the closest towns were 45 minutes away. There are also three schools there as well. Anyway, so we lived in his parents basement for just over a year and I would get to see my parents every other weekend and that is about it, except for holidays. Well now that we have our own apartment he goes to his parents house every other day and will stay there all day while I am lucky to get to see my parents my other weekend. My mom and sister make trips down every once in awhile but it is still not the same as having a whole weekend. If I am gone during the day my BF will go to his parents instead of staying home and cleaning up, but yet if I stay at home and don't do anything it seems like the world is going to end! I do not see how this is fair in any way. At our "Apartment warming picnic" he said something along the lines of 'I work 40+ hours a week so I shouldn't have to clean the apartment' to my stepdad who takes care of most of the cleaning in my parents house, (he also works 40+ hours and drives an hour each way to work) So I try to bring up these points to him that I wish he would spend time at the apartment and help clean it up instead of going to his parents (which they live 5 minuets away) because I don't get to see my family that often, I don't think it is fair. I see his point but also, it gets in the way of our daily time together before each of us goes to work. Also, at 2 years is it fair to want him to come to all family holidays? Or is that just me being a b*tch and wanting everything to be my way? Any thoughts on how to talk about this and work through it?
(I apologize for the bad grammar and spelling and also the run on. I just wanted to get everything in my head down before I forgot.)

So, I see several different issues in your post:

1) If you want to see your family more, that's legit. Is there a way you can do that? I would work on finding a solution to that, rather than limiting his time with his family. It's not his fault that you are living further away from your family; that is a choice you made, and you can make choices that will make the distance more bearable or be able to see them more often.

2) Yes, he should help with cleaning up, BUT. What are you doing at this point as far as work/school (I didn't see anything in your post but may have missed it)? If he is working or going to school more often than you are, and you are at home a fair amount of the time, I think it's fair that you pick up some of the extra slack. But ultimately it is important that you both contribute to housekeeping. Sit down together and make a list of chores for each of you, if necessary. Having it spelled out for each of you makes it fair, since you will ideally both agree to it and know what to expect. Also, your stepdad's and mom's arrangement doesn't really make a difference in your and your BF's arrangement, so I would stay away from that argument in the future - you need to figure out what works for YOU as a couple.

3) Without having more details, no, it's not fair to expect him to come to EVERY family holiday. Again, this is something you both need to sit down and talk about. I can understand wanting him there for certain family functions, spending a few holidays together each year with your family, but you also need to give as much as you take or more. Only you and your BF can decide how to do that equitably.

Aschive · September 2013

Ok so it was 9 months after starting dating. I was single for a whole month after graduation.

Holidays are a tough one for me because my mom's side and step-dad's side live a half hour away from each other so we would go to one around 4-5p.m. and get to the other one around 8-9 p.m. That was my Christmas every year for years and years. Thankfully my family usually as to have holidays on the following weekend due to my Aunt's work schedule. So we haven't really had too much conflict. Thanksgiving is my big one. I am not a hunter, BF is and that is fine. Last year he went and it did not go well and I am afraid for him to go this year. Well of course it is on thanksgiving and his dad, brother, and him come home just that day in the a.m and head out again by 5 p.m. So I do not get to see him at all for that one.

I am currently in school, in his hometown. I am working and in my second semester which BF supports 100%. It is hard because he make little comments about my job versus his all the time. I am happy to have a job, which brings in a little extra money and pays my bills. But if I have to borrow 10 bucks for anything its like 'Oh well if you got more hours and a different job you wouldn't need to.' I understand that but still, its not like I am just sitting at home playing farmville all day.

(Please do not take offense if you do play farmville! I actually do play that game when I am done with my homework and work. Just not all day.)

queenofhearts1728 · September 2013

It sounds like you have some different issues than just holidays/cleaning. It kind of seems like he resents having to lend you money if you need it. Is he paying the majority of the bills or are you able to come up with your half easily, but have little left over? If you're paying your share, it doesn't seem unreasonable that he would lend you a few bucks here and there if you need it.

You two definitely need to sit down and talk about your situation and come to an arrangement that you both agree with.

cu97tiger · September 2013

Aschive said:

1) 9 months after starting dating I moved into his parent's house. He has a now 17 year old sister, a almost 21 year old brother and then his parents.

2) I love being on my own. I feel I did not have the greatest relationship with my step-dad growing up, but he is currently paying for my car insurance, so it must not have been too bad. I have been paying for what I want (phone, clothes, going out money, etc.) since I was around 14-15 so that is not any different. I was an only child for 8 years and it was always just my mom and I, so it is different now that I am grown and moved away, I really miss my sister. She just started 7th grade this past Monday, and I feel like I am missing out on watching her grow up. We have been through a lot together these last few years and I am just worried about how she is going to grow up.

3) I used to have a chart but it never got done/I ended up doing everything. I don't think he has a problem doing anything (except cleaning out a clogged tub.It make him gag and I had to do that too.) I work part-time so I can see why he would think I have time, but at the same time even an offer to help me wash the dishes would be appreciated. We have talked about this to much extent and it usually ends up in a small fight.

4) This is where I have the over bearing control freak attitude. I feel like there is really no reason to not be able to make it to both families holidays. My parents have been doing it since I can remember and my family usually has it on a off day, but my biggest thing is that around Thanksgiving he goes hunting and only comes back for his family's dinner, but I feel like he should try to make time for mine.

I feel like we are in over our heads as well, but I also feel like there is still hope. I can't imagine life without him, but also sometimes I can't see it with him. Is this bad and a sign to consider moving on?

Being on your own does not mean a) being an only child, b) spending a lot of time alone or c) not being in a relationship. Being on your own means living by yourself (or with a roommate(s)) and fending for yourself. Making decisions on your own about things that affect you and your happiness. One of the big things you learn by being on your own is when something is important, you stand up for it.

I can't blame him for that. Clogged toilets/sinks/bathtubs totally gross me out.

Talk to him about this. Rationally (not with yelling, crying or ultimatums). Listen to his side of things. Come to a compromise (can your family come to your house, and have it the same day as his family so he only misses one day of hunting?).

Eh, I might be the wrong person to ask that of. I am with my husband not because I can't imagine living without him, but because I actively want to live life WITH him. If you and your BF have fundamental issues that you can't resolve without one of you compromising important stuff, then yes, it's time to say goodbye. Please know that people do NOT change. The little comments he is making now about your part-time job will be the ones he makes later about your career, and about your hobbies, and about your friends.

Ok so it was 9 months after starting dating. I was single for a whole month after graduation.

Holidays are a tough one for me because my mom's side and step-dad's side live a half hour away from each other so we would go to one around 4-5p.m. and get to the other one around 8-9 p.m. That was my Christmas every year for years and years. Thankfully my family usually as to have holidays on the following weekend due to my Aunt's work schedule. So we haven't really had too much conflict. Thanksgiving is my big one. I am not a hunter, BF is and that is fine. Last year he went and it did not go well and I am afraid for him to go this year. Well of course it is on thanksgiving and his dad, brother, and him come home just that day in the a.m and head out again by 5 p.m. So I do not get to see him at all for that one.

I am currently in school, in his hometown. I am working and in my second semester which BF supports 100%. It is hard because he make little comments about my job versus his all the time. I am happy to have a job, which brings in a little extra money and pays my bills. But if I have to borrow 10 bucks for anything its like 'Oh well if you got more hours and a different job you wouldn't need to.' I understand that but still, its not like I am just sitting at home playing farmville all day.
(Please do not take offense if you do play farmville! I actually do play that game when I am done with my homework and work. Just not all day.)

Sheesh... that really sounds immature. Being single for a month is NOTHING. Especially when you are at the ripe old age of 17 or 18.

For the last two years you've been going to your family and he's gone to his? You haven't combined any holidays?

Ah... the days when $10 made any kind of difference in my wallet.

I play Candy Crush Saga for at least an hour a day, so no judgement on that here!

Blackbird230 · September 2013

Posters can correct me if I'm wrong, but the main thing I don't understand is did you give up school because of your BF? You're young. You just graduated high school! Your focus should be on yourself and bettering your own life and not worrying about a significant other on top of that.

Aschive · September 2013

As far as the money thing goes, it is a two way street. As of right now he does pay rent and cable. I pay for groceries and my phone/school/car. But it is a whoever has more money left over. I have lent him money and he has lent me money. It is due to budgeting problems that we argue about money and we have made several budgets, we're not good at following them.

queenofhearts1728 · September 2013

Aschive said:

As far as the money thing goes, it is a two way street. As of right now he does pay rent and cable. I pay for groceries and my phone/school/car. But it is a whoever has more money left over. I have lent him money and he has lent me money. It is due to budgeting problems that we argue about money and we have made several budgets, we're not good at following them.

No offense, but it doesn't sound like a two way street. Your school and your car are not his to pay for. The phone would be understandable if you had a shared plan, but if it's only your phone, not his responsibility either.

If that's the case, and all those bills are solely yours, he is paying the majority of the *shared* bills (actually sounds like all) and it would be absolutely fair for you to do the cleaning to make up for it. But that's just my opinion.

edited for clarity

loves2shop4shoes · September 2013

Oh boy.

You're VERY young. And you left school to move in with your BF. This isn't smart.

Go back to school. Make school your priority. In this economy, if you DON'T make education (or a trade) a priority, you're effectively fucking your finances.

Believe me, you have plenty of time to be "grown up" and live with a BF. You don't need to do that now.

I agree 1000000% with @cu97tiger...you're having problems that are more mature than you are.

ETA: Dare I ask why you're on TK? Please don't tell me you're planning to get married.

ETA 2: You're not "on your own" if your parents still pay some of your bills (ie. car insurance.)

Aschive · September 2013

I try to tell myself that I did not quit because of him, but he was part of the reason. I know that is bad. But I am happy now that I did because my roommate was also very rude. I know a month is not very long. I sometimes think of what it would be like. Taking a break is an idea I've had for a while now and I have brought it up. But we both work evenings, live together, and I would not be able to afford half of the rent and utilities, so I don't know where I would live since I am sure he would want half which is fair, and finally he believes that all breaks lead to a breakup.

We have been splitting holidays, but I want him at all. In fact now that I think of it, he has come to most of my family's and I have gone to only a couple of his... So that post should be disregarded because that one is my being in the wrong. I should just be happy with the ones I get and try to make more time for his. (I feel like a jerk now

)

Aschive · September 2013

I am in school now and I am focusing on that.

I am on TK because a year ago my BF was all about getting married and then he chickened out. Also I am ashamed to say this because of my age and I know it is stupid... but we are not 'careful' and I started out checking out TB. So I saw this and started looking around. Stupid reason I know. But you all really do give good advice and keep crazy girls like me at bay.

I know that those bills are mine. I said that in the post. Those are what I pay for.

I know I should do most, and I do. But not all of them. I know this is a bad example but I am going to say it anyway and make case look even worse. But the biggest issue is when he washes clothes, he refuses to do mine because he doesn't know what needs to be washed specially. I tell him take the stuff that you do know and throw the ones you are not sure of to the side. But he just doesn't do mine instead.

loves2shop4shoes · September 2013

I know you won't listen to me, but honestly I can't NOT say something in good conscience.

USE PROTECTION! How much money do you both earn? My guess is not a lot. My guess is that you're still on your parents' health insurance, if they even have health insurance.

Do you know how much CHEAPER birth control is than having a baby? You're TOO YOUNG and WAY TOO IMMATURE to have a baby. Have you ever seen Teen Mom? If not, watch it. Even though you may not still be in HS, you're not far out of it and you don't have an education. Life would be very similar for you.

Go to your local planned parenthood and get on birth control TODAY. If you can't afford it, they will give it to you for FREE.

You NEED to make your education your priority, not your relationship. You're VERY young and VERY immature. You won't be able to get far in life (especially in this economy) without an education. Take a break, or break up, and go to school.

Don't put energy into looking on TB. Put energy into getting on BC. Don't put energy in this relationship. Put energy into an education that will take you places in life.

True story: DH and I have been married over a year. We have savings. DH makes enough money to support our household without me working. I have been out of work for 6 months, despite my Bachelors degree from an excellent 4 year private college. We don't feel comfortable even thinking about getting pregnant until I've had a full time job for at least one year. And we're married, older, and more mature.

You have NO business engaging in risky behavior that could EASILY result in a pregnancy at this stage of your life. If you got pregnant, you would not be able to support a baby with all of its needs. It would be selfish to have a baby right now, to the BABY.

Sigh. Just get on BC and go to school, ok?

ETA: A shitty roommate is not a reason to leave college. It's called a housing swap. Very easy to do. Stop making excuses and go back to school.

CLoGreenEyes · September 2013

So, you are paying for your school and a couple other bills, you are in school, and you work part-time. All appropriate things at your age and where you are in life. What doesn't seem to fit is living with your boyfriend right now. It seems like it would be easier to sort out some of the issues you are facing (basically, division of labor, how to split holidays, etc.) when you are able to be more "on par" with your BF in terms of contributing to the household.

Is there any way you could move back in with your family? Find another roommate? Live on campus?

The reason I ask is that my BF and I were very nearly in the same situation. We talked very seriously last year about getting married right before I was about to start nursing school. I would have been in the same exact situation - part-time job, full-time classes, the only bills I could realistically pay would be school, car stuff, phone stuff - I couldn't have contributed to many shared expenses. I really wanted to do it. REALLY wanted to. Because we would be together! And we love each other! And that would get us through all the hard parts! Right?

Very probably wrong. I would have hated being accountable for every cent of "fun money" I spent because he was picking up the tab for everything. He would have hated feeling like the bad guy if he was uncomfortable with my discretionary spending. We would have had to sort out all of our differences immediately - how to spend our weekends and the holidays, how to budget, how to divide up our chores, etc. - during what is now easily the most stressful period of my life. I miss the hell out of him every day I don't see him, I'm not denying it. But I breathe a sigh of relief every time I think about how badly our relationship could have blown up by moving too fast.

So, it might be worth considering if there is another place for you to live while you're in school. It doesn't mean your relationship is null and void. Not at all! But if you truly can't imagine life without him, this is a good way to take things slowly and give both of you time to grow into a mature, adult relationship. Waiting to take the next step, or temporarily reversing certain steps, is not wrong when it concerns the overall good of the couple, and I think this might apply in your case.

ETA: I cosign everything @loves2shop4shoes said. Babies are fun, but not while you're in school. It is very easy to buy a pack of condoms or get on the pill, and it is well worth the minimal effort. You obviously know that you are not being careful and that you should be, so pleasepleaseplease, don't let this of all things go.

Aschive · September 2013

Ok I am listening to what you are saying but I was on BC and hated it. I did not remember to take it everyday and just not good side effects along with the patch and I cannot use mirena and do not do shots. The condom thing doesn't work because I am allergic to the lube and can't find a non-lubed brand that feels comfortable for both. TMI I know.

As far as the living situation no I can not move out because he wanted an apartment, but not the rent aspect of it. I was too stressed living at his parents so he decided we could move out. I have no friends in this town so no roommate options for me. I am in the process of getting a couple raises at work and I have proctored testing for my school so moving home is out of the question.

CLoGreenEyes · September 2013

Talk with your doctor about the BCP or other methods (maybe a diaphragm? Maybe an IUD? And so on). Different brands have different effects on people, so what you were using before may not have been the best fit for you. This is unfortunately one of those things that you have to experiment with sometimes. But I am not going to be convinced that there is NO form of birth control that will work for you. This is your body and your relationship and your goals that will be affected if you have a baby, and that deserves your attention.

Edited because I am a fan of using double-negatives today

loves2shop4shoes · September 2013

Aschive said:

Ok I am listening to what you are saying but I was on BC and hated it. I did not remember to take it everyday and just not good side effects along with the patch and I cannot use mirena and do not do shots. The condom thing doesn't work because I am allergic to the lube and can't find a non-lubed brand that feels comfortable for both. TMI I know.

As far as the living situation no I can not move out because he wanted an apartment, but not the rent aspect of it. I was too stressed living at his parents so he decided we could move out. I have no friends in this town so no roommate options for me. I am in the process of getting a couple raises at work and I have proctored testing for my school so moving home is out of the question.

Why can't you go on Mirena? What about Paragard? What about Nuvaring? What about going on the pill and setting a timer or putting your pills next to your toothbrush?

These are excuses. Find a way. Otherwise, don't have sex.

When there's a will, there's a way.

CrazyCatLady3 · September 2013

Aschive said:

Ok I am listening to what you are saying but I was on BC and hated it. I did not remember to take it everyday and just not good side effects along with the patch and I cannot use mirena and do not do shots. The condom thing doesn't work because I am allergic to the lube and can't find a non-lubed brand that feels comfortable for both. TMI I know.

please go to planned parenthood and tell them this. they will find something for you.

CLoGreenEyes · September 2013

Haha, but getting back to the original points of your post, @aschive, it sounds like your living situation is kind of irreversible, though depending on how far your family is from your school, it sounds like that would still be worth looking into. How far are they from where you live now?

If it is truly an impossibility, even for a little while, that is all the more reason for you and your BF to sit down and make an agreement about everything, including chores, holidays, and money. I know it is very difficult for you guys to do this right now because it becomes heated, but you both need to state what you want and listen to each other. Then, instead of advocating for your own interests exclusively, which is what seems to be your strategy, you need to look for ways you can both get (most of) what you want. This might take a few tries, and that's OK. But the process needs to start, and it needs to produce an agreement that will govern the way you both run those parts of your life. That is really the best way to get you both through this period of your life; nothing else will work for long.

bethsmiles · September 2013

loves2shop4shoes said:

Aschive said:

Ok I am listening to what you are saying but I was on BC and hated it. I did not remember to take it everyday and just not good side effects along with the patch and I cannot use mirena and do not do shots. The condom thing doesn't work because I am allergic to the lube and can't find a non-lubed brand that feels comfortable for both. TMI I know.

As far as the living situation no I can not move out because he wanted an apartment, but not the rent aspect of it. I was too stressed living at his parents so he decided we could move out. I have no friends in this town so no roommate options for me. I am in the process of getting a couple raises at work and I have proctored testing for my school so moving home is out of the question.

Why can't you go on Mirena? What about Paragard? What about Nuvaring? What about going on the pill and setting a timer or putting your pills next to your toothbrush?

These are excuses. Find a way. Otherwise, don't have sex.

When there's a will, there's a way.

I agree with @loves2shop4shoes - You are just making excuses. Using protection is so important and there are SO many options.

queenofhearts1728 · September 2013

aliciaharrison said: Aschive said: I try to tell myself that I did not quit because of him, but he was part of the reason. I know that is bad. But I am happy now that I did because my roommate was also very rude. I know a month is not very long. I sometimes think of what it would be like. Taking a break is an idea I've had for a while now and I have brought it up. But we both work evenings, live together, and I would not be able to afford half of the rent and utilities, so I don't know where I would live since I am sure he would want half which is fair, and finally he believes that all breaks lead to a breakup.
We have been splitting holidays, but I want him at all. In fact now that I think of it, he has come to most of my family's and I have gone to only a couple of his... So that post should be disregarded because that one is my being in the wrong. I should just be happy with the ones I get and try to make more time for his. (I feel like a jerk now

) I can tell you that the bolded is not true. While my BF and I's break was on a few days(because he broke up with me to ease a situation I created) we've been together ever since and it actually made our relationship stronger. Are there days when I'm afraid he'll do it again? Yes, but he realized that day that it was one of the biggest mistakes in his life.

In all, you're still so young. When I was 20, I was in a truly messed up relationship with a guy that never went anywhere. I learned from it and moved on and have been with my current BF ever since.
My BF and I went on a break as well and are now back together, stronger than ever. We actually kept living together during it, I slept in a separate bedroom, but the space, albeit small, helped significantly. The simple fact that we were no longer 'together' broke down the wall we had built and we were actually able to discuss our issues without it blowing up or ending in tears. We were honest about everything, and it was so, so refreshing. Once it was all out in the open, we were able to work on ourselves and our relationship. It sucked at the time, but I honestly believe that without it, we wouldn't be where we are today. We are much more of a team now than we ever were before.

queenofhearts1728 · September 2013

loves2shop4shoes said:

Aschive said:

Ok I am listening to what you are saying but I was on BC and hated it. I did not remember to take it everyday and just not good side effects along with the patch and I cannot use mirena and do not do shots. The condom thing doesn't work because I am allergic to the lube and can't find a non-lubed brand that feels comfortable for both. TMI I know.

As far as the living situation no I can not move out because he wanted an apartment, but not the rent aspect of it. I was too stressed living at his parents so he decided we could move out. I have no friends in this town so no roommate options for me. I am in the process of getting a couple raises at work and I have proctored testing for my school so moving home is out of the question.

Why can't you go on Mirena? What about Paragard? What about Nuvaring? What about going on the pill and setting a timer or putting your pills next to your toothbrush?

These are excuses. Find a way. Otherwise, don't have sex.

When there's a will, there's a way.

This this this!!

Don't put yourself in yet another situation you can't afford.

loves2shop4shoes · September 2013

@bethsmiles, OT, but you're anniversary is getting SO close!

bethsmiles · September 2013

loves2shop4shoes said:

@bethsmiles, OT, but you're anniversary is getting SO close!

I keep forgetting it's coming up! I'm super excited though (when I remember how soon it is!)

loves2shop4shoes · September 2013

ETA: What about Implanon?

Riss2893 · September 2013

You can get text reminders to take your pill (www.bedsider.com), or like someone else said, set reminders on your phone if you think the pill is the best method for you. And to echo others, you can get BC for free or a very reduced rate if you try.

Am I being selfish? (Long)

Re: Am I being selfish? (Long)

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