Am I being selfish? (Long)

Blackbird230 · September 2013

Riss2893 said:

You can get text reminders to take your pill (www.bedsider.com), or like someone else said, set reminders on your phone if you think the pill is the best method for you. And to echo others, you can get BC for free or a very reduced rate if you try.

Or in my case, BF enjoys reminds me because he knows it's at 10 p.m. and he's just as good about "I don't want to have a kid yet." I haven't heard about bedsider though.

Aschive · September 2013

I now they are excuses. But they are also reasons why I am currently not. I tried the alarm. I can't even use tampons so anything like that is out. I don't do shots and the patches gave me a rash that hurt. So if any have any suggestions about condoms (I know this is not the site for that) I am more than willing to hear. I have talked to my doctor and he didn't really know what to tell me. Other than suck it up and do Depo. I know they are not good reasons and are just excuses. But that is the one thing I very adamant about. Sorry. I know I sound immature when I say that but oh well.

My parents are 45 mins away so about 50 miles, I am currently getting 4-5 hour shifts at work 5 days a week so it doesn't make sense for me to move back there.

@queenofhearts1728 We have discussed doing this since we have a 2 bedroom apartment. Were you an apartment and if so did you split the bills or did it go on like normal just different bedrooms? I would like to know more about how you decided that and carried it out if you wouldn't mind sharing?

bethsmiles · September 2013

Why can't you use tampons?

Aschive · September 2013

I have never been able to. It hurts and I can't get them out very easily even if I do manage to get it inserted. Sorry for the TMI.

bethsmiles · September 2013

And your doctor told you to just suck it up? Honey, you need a new doctor!

CLoGreenEyes · September 2013

45 minutes is entirely doable, though. Yes, it is not as nice as, say, 20 minutes, but lots of people do upward of that, myself included. I implore you to consider it as an option, even a last-ditch one, if it would keep you sane and give you some breathing room for a while.

Also, I do not understand what you mean when you say you "don't do shots." Does that mean you don't like them? In any case, I feel frustrated: you know your answers and excuses here are immature, yet you seem very unwilling to try our commit to anything. BC sucks sometimes, I get it! It's inconvenient sometimes and a PITA. It costs money and your body has to get used to it. But all of those descriptions also cover what a baby can be like, only not to scale. I really don't know what else to tell you on this front. It really just sounds like you need to give some of these options a better chance, because you've been rather quick to dismiss them.

Aschive · September 2013

I don't do shots means I will bawl and throw a hissy fit for weeks before I even have to go to the office to get it. You pretty much need to restrain me to be able to do anything medically to me. So I avoid anything that has to do with shots.

I realize I am making excuses. This is what has been going through my mind for a while that is why I am having such difficulty with these topics. I am not trying to dismiss them! I am sorry if you feel that way. I am still thinking about them, I am just trying to justify my side which is not what this post is for. I am seriously thinking about everything that everyone has been suggesting!

As far as my parents. I make minimum wage at a fast food place so driving 45 minute for 5 hours is not worth it when I have almost $300 in bills every month.

Aschive · September 2013

I have worked before. Mostly in food service. I don't have much other experience and I did not get hired anywhere else I applied. I get enough hours to pay my bills and gas so I don't mind it.

CLoGreenEyes · September 2013

@aschive, I'm glad you are thinking about everyone's suggestions. I know these posts may seem harsh or pushy, so I'm glad you are really considering them. I will just say the following and then leave it alone (I know you're probably sick of me by now

: your priorities will determine what you do. I hope that your education and well-being will ultimately become your priorities, even if it is uncomfortable or inconvenient at times. That's the line we all have to walk every day, and you want to choose what will be worth your efforts in the end, not just what makes you feel okay right now.

500days · September 2013

Do what the PPs have said. Lambskin condoms are way more expensive than BC. Sounds like a break with the BF, going away even for a few days, could do you some good.

queenofhearts1728 · September 2013

Aschive said:
I now they are excuses. But they are also reasons why I am currently not. I tried the alarm. I can't even use tampons so anything like that is out. I don't do shots and the patches gave me a rash that hurt. So if any have any suggestions about condoms (I know this is not the site for that) I am more than willing to hear. I have talked to my doctor and he didn't really know what to tell me. Other than suck it up and do Depo. I know they are not good reasons and are just excuses. But that is the one thing I very adamant about. Sorry. I know I sound immature when I say that but oh well.

My parents are 45 mins away so about 50 miles, I am currently getting 4-5 hour shifts at work 5 days a week so it doesn't make sense for me to move back there.

@queenofhearts1728 We have discussed doing this since we have a 2 bedroom apartment. Were you an apartment and if so did you split the bills or did it go on like normal just different bedrooms? I would like to know more about how you decided that and carried it out if you wouldn't mind sharing?

We rent a house. I had just finished school and was finishing an internship. He was letting he stay until i had a job basically and could afford to move out. Luckily the company hired me on full time. I didn't make much at the time but I sucked it up and busted my butt to make my half of the bills. I've been paying evenly ever since.

I slept in our guest room for a few months. We were rocky for about 6 months all together before we worked through our issues. Being "separated" eased a lot of the tension and made it easier to talk to each other. I can't say that would be the result for everyone, but it helped us lot. We didn't made it public that we had split and all but our very closest friends had no idea. Making it public would have been too dramatic. So when it was all said and done it was as though we never broke up. Once we worked through our stuff and worked on our own personal issues, our relationship kind of fixed itself. Again - I can't say it would work that way for anyone else.

PS sorry if there are errors galore. Typed this on my phone.

Aschive · September 2013

@queenofhearts1728 Thanks!

phira · September 2013

I am so very late to this party.

OP, you sound very young and very unhappy. You're trying to get through school with a boyfriend who doesn't really support your decisions (you say he supports you 100% but then you say he makes comments about how he's working hard all day and you're not). He spends a lot of time with his family and then gets super grumpy about spending any time with your family. He tells you that a break is the same as a break up--it's not. You sound like you feel really stuck in your living situation.

My advice? Find a new living situation. Live without your boyfriend and get some space. Don't feel guilty about it, as if you're responsible for making his life THE VERY BEST EVER--it's your life, too. If he tells you that getting space means you're breaking up with him then I suggest you break up with him.

I remember my relationships in my early 20s. I was very unhappy, but I would have trouble with the concept of "living without him in my life." I never really understood that I had trouble with the concept because I was just so used to being in a miserable relationship. I didn't realize that, while I would have to adjust to life without each of those assholes, life without each of those assholes was actually gonna be pretty sweet. It sounds like this might be where you are--feeling stuck because you just can't imagine not being with him.

Finally, one way you sound really young: You give up on a lot of really basic things. Living with a roommate? You tried it and didn't like it. Tampons? Ouch, I'll stop trying. The pill? Just can't remember to take it.

Except that most of us have lived with (or currently live with) roommates and we all just deal with it. Because that's life. While there's no law that says you have to wear tampons, you'd think that pain while using one would warrant a trip to the doctor.* There are so damn many forms of contraception that I find it very hard to believe that there isn't one that would be perfect for you.**

Basically, you're not being selfish. You're trying to grow up and you're stuck because you're in a relationship with someone who sounds kind of like a jerk. I suggest moving on with your life, finding another living situation, and being single for a while--a year is a pretty good start.

* I used to have a ton of trouble with tampons because the stupid directions tell you to stand up while inserting them. I understand that works for some people, but it was so painful for me that I didn't start wearing them till I was in college. That's when a friend clued me in and told me I could insert them sitting down. Cue the epiphany choir noise.

** I used to teach sex ed in college (to college students). I know a loooot of different kinds of BC. If you want to PM me, I can probably give you some ideas that'll work for you. I didn't want to use condoms anymore because I have bad inflammation and anything I have to insert (condom, diaphragm, cap, ring) makes it worse. I didn't want to go back on the pill because I lost nearly 30lbs after going off it two years ago and my clothes wouldn't fit anymore. I was going to try Paragard, but it works by increasing inflammation and I already have bad inflammation. So I went with Mirena. Insertion was not a picnic, and I was crampy for a few weeks, but holy cow, I love this frickin IUD.

tl;dr break up with him and move out

bethsmiles · September 2013

Can I just ditto everything @phira said? Yes? Okay then.

loves2shop4shoes · September 2013

I repeat...why can't you go on Mirena, Paragard, NuvaRing, or Implanon?

bethsmiles · September 2013

loves2shop4shoes said:

I repeat...why can't you go on Mirena, Paragard, NuvaRing, or Implanon?

I'm assuming that she thinks because she can't use tampons she won't like any of those?

[Deleted User] · September 2013

Aschive said:

I don't do shots means I will bawl and throw a hissy fit for weeks before I even have to go to the office to get it. You pretty much need to restrain me to be able to do anything medically to me. So I avoid anything that has to do with shots.

I realize I am making excuses. This is what has been going through my mind for a while that is why I am having such difficulty with these topics. I am not trying to dismiss them! I am sorry if you feel that way. I am still thinking about them, I am just trying to justify my side which is not what this post is for. I am seriously thinking about everything that everyone has been suggesting!

As far as my parents. I make minimum wage at a fast food place so driving 45 minute for 5 hours is not worth it when I have almost $300 in bills every month.

do you realize how many shots and catheters and pelvic exams you're in for if you get pregnant?

usually, I am Captain SAVE-A-NEWB and Lady Be-Nice-Y'all, but I CAN'T EVEN. HANDLE. THIS.

if you end up all preggly and whatnot, well... I can't feel bad for you. I just can't.

H and I use BCP and condoms. we had to shop around for both, but it's kind of part of being an adult. plus, we had to wait until after we were married to figure that stuff out, because we waited to sleep together until after we said "I do".

I mean, REALLY, are you going to throw a hissy fit for weeks when you end up pregnant and have to go in for bloodwork and all that fun stuff? I MEAN, REALLY?!

if you honestly want to change, there are people here (and surely, other people in your life) that would love to help. but the excuses (or "reasons") have to stop.

I hope you figure some things out before it's too late. your BF should be the type of person that inspires you to be better. it's immaturity and insecurity that is showing through when he makes comments like that about your job or school or whatever. I've dated guys like that before, and it really wears on you. you feel stuck. but you are not stuck.

loves2shop4shoes · September 2013

bethsmiles said:

loves2shop4shoes said:

I repeat...why can't you go on Mirena, Paragard, NuvaRing, or Implanon?

I'm assuming that she thinks because she can't use tampons she won't like any of those?

If that's the case, then OP, let me be clear...

Mirena and Paragard do not go in your vagina (where the tampons go), they go in your uterus and you do not feel them.

NuvaRing is a flexible plastic ring that contains hormones that you insert in your vagina (same place the tampons go) and keep there all month long (except when you're getting your period.) It is not painful at all.

Implanon is a method of birth control that is inserted into your ARM.

beanbot2002 · September 2013

Honestly, I threw my hands up in the air after the "Wah, I don't wanna do birth control or research condoms for myself" post. Let me tell you why...

You sound a whole hell of a lot like me at 20. Guess what? I was a selfish whiney 20 yr old asshole. I made excuse after excuse after excuse. Even if folks much older and MUCH MUCH wiser gave me solid advice and direction, I made a myriad of excuses as to why I could follow said advice. "I don't like the hormones, I don't like condoms-they feel weird, I can't be expected to carry that heavy of a course load because of x,y,z, I can't help that I didn't pass that class because that teacher did (fill in the blank), etc etc etc"

And then, guess what? I got pregnant. With a guy who was not nearly ready to be a father, but had managed to get 2 girls knocked up in 6 months. Was that all his fault? Nope. Guess who opened her legs? Guess who refused to go on BC for ridiculous reasons? Guess who didn't force homeboy to wear a condom? That'd be me.

I was 21, in/failing out of college, and pregnant. None of those occurred because someone was holding a gun to my head, they happened because I walked around making ridiculous excuse after excuse. STOP MAKING RIDICULOUS EXCUSES!!!!! I dropped out of school to have my son, and my life changed forever. FOREVER! I wouldn't take it back for the world, but I WILL warn you against it.

In the name of all that is holy, quit your freaking whining and get on some method of BC. I have a very very hard time with tampons as well. I did not have any problem what-so-ever with NuvaRing. Don't try to give me that excuse, because until you've at least tried it I won't buy it. Use the freaking alarm clock to remind you to take the damn pill. Quit with that half ass excuse that it didn't work for you. You didn't want it to work, that's why it didn't work. YOU chose not to get into the habit. Are you capable of getting into the habit? Absolutely. You remember to go to work on time on a daily basis. You remember to go to class on time. You can remember to take your damn BC pill.

I know I sound very very harsh. I am. I'm a mom of a pre-teen, and I've stood where you stand now. I don't accept half ass excuses from my 6th grader, I'm not gonna accept them from a 20 yr old. It's tough love, and I hope you take it.

ETA: Cause I can't spell myriad and that makes me sad.

beanbot2002 · September 2013

Also, @CocoBellaF:

queenofhearts1728 · September 2013

I missed a lot of the posts when I responded last night.... my question is - if you can't even use a tampon because it hurts, how in the world do you even have sex?

loves2shop4shoes · September 2013

aliciaharrison said:

queenofhearts1728 said:

I missed a lot of the posts when I responded last night.... my question is - if you can't even use a tampon because it hurts, how in the world do you even have sex?

That was my thought too. Because a tampon is much smaller than a man's penis.

I once had sex with a dude who made a tampon seem HUGE.

Clearly, I was only in it for the oral sex.

queenofhearts1728 · September 2013

loves2shop4shoes said:

aliciaharrison said:

queenofhearts1728 said:

I missed a lot of the posts when I responded last night.... my question is - if you can't even use a tampon because it hurts, how in the world do you even have sex?

That was my thought too. Because a tampon is much smaller than a man's penis.

I once had sex with a dude who made a tampon seem HUGE.

Clearly, I was only in it for the oral sex.

lol poor guy

loves2shop4shoes · September 2013

loves2shop4shoes said:

aliciaharrison said:

queenofhearts1728 said:

I missed a lot of the posts when I responded last night.... my question is - if you can't even use a tampon because it hurts, how in the world do you even have sex?

That was my thought too. Because a tampon is much smaller than a man's penis.

I once had sex with a dude who made a tampon seem HUGE.

Clearly, I was only in it for the oral sex.

Oh my goodness.

Yeah, first time we hooked up, I was WASTED...so I thought my size perception was off. Nope. NOOOOOPE.

cu97tiger · September 2013

@phira @cocobellaf @beanbot2002 @loves2shop4shoes all have had great points.

One that hasn't been mentioned: Use a non-lubed condom with pre-seed. You'll need to do a little research (like five minutes) to make sure they are compatible, but pre-seed is a water-based lubricant that hardly anyone has an allergic reaction to.

Finally, I will echo other's sentiments. We want to help you (hell, we've taken all this time to respond and read other's responses). But your excuses are starting to sound crazy. The right answer for someone in your situation (i.e. feels like no birth control is the right fit) is to stop having sex. Better yet, neither you @aschive nor your boyfriend are mature enough to be in an adult relationship. That isn't a dig. You're young, it's ok to act like it. But do not 'play' at being an adult (i.e. living with your BF) when you are really someone who needs to do some growing up and figuring some things out.

Actually, this will be my finally.... as someone who is doing everything in her power to get pregnant with her husband, I am fucking livid that you are taking fertility so cavalierly. I am literally seeing red right now. Find another living situation, break up with your selfish BF, and just focus on school and work.

queenofhearts1728 · September 2013

aliciaharrison said:

loves2shop4shoes said:

loves2shop4shoes said:
I once had sex with a dude who made a tampon seem HUGE.

Clearly, I was only in it for the oral sex.

Oh my goodness.

Yeah, first time we hooked up, I was WASTED...so I thought my size perception was off. Nope. NOOOOOPE.

I feel bad for you then in that case! Lol. Luckily I've only slept with my BF so I have no one to compare him to but I can imagine it would be slightly embarrassing for him to be tiny.

I would think (and correct me if I'm wrong @loves2shop4shoes) if he was actually tiny, not just on the small side, you would know. lol

but, I truly don't have anything to compare to either. I've only been with my BF as well. Admittedly, I'm very anti-baby (at least at this time in my life) and I didn't even feel comfortable sleeping with someone prior to my BF for fear i would get KTFU. and I take my pill religiously

Blackbird230 · September 2013

cu97tiger said:

@phira @cocobellaf @beanbot2002 @loves2shop4shoes all have had great points.

One that hasn't been mentioned: Use a non-lubed condom with pre-seed. You'll need to do a little research (like five minutes) to make sure they are compatible, but pre-seed is a water-based lubricant that hardly anyone has an allergic reaction to.

Finally, I will echo other's sentiments. We want to help you (hell, we've taken all this time to respond and read other's responses). But your excuses are starting to sound crazy. The right answer for someone in your situation (i.e. feels like no birth control is the right fit) is to stop having sex. Better yet, neither you @aschive nor your boyfriend are mature enough to be in an adult relationship. That isn't a dig. You're young, it's ok to act like it. But do not 'play' at being an adult (i.e. living with your BF) when you are really someone who needs to do some growing up and figuring some things out.

Actually, this will be my finally.... as someone who is doing everything in her power to get pregnant with her husband, I am fucking livid that you are taking fertility so cavalierly. I am literally seeing red right now. Find another living situation, break up with your selfish BF, and just focus on school and work.

*hugs*

CASK85 · September 2013

@aschive I know you've gotten a lot of advice. And you're taking a lot of criticism like a champ, really. So kudos to you. You seem to know you're young and in a tough spot that maybe you wish you hadn't gotten yourself into. With that in mind I am going to propose a (potentially unpopular) solution. Break up with your BF (who is the selfish one in this situation, IMO). Take a semester off of school. Quit your job. And move home. Transfer schools to a college closer to home and get a job close to home too. Fix your life now while you're young rather than going headlong down a path that you know is not leading to a good place before you've gone too far. The longer you wait to extricate yourself from your current situation the harder it will be. It is ok to press the reset button. . . and I'm betting your family will be happy if you decide to do what I just suggested.

And for the love of god, figure our a method of birth control that works for you ASAP and don't have sex again until you do.

Wishing you all the best and lots of luck. Have courage to know when you're in over your head and ask for help.

Blackbird230 · September 2013

cschiano said:

@aschive I know you've gotten a lot of advice. And you're taking a lot of criticism like a champ, really. So kudos to you. You seem to know you're young and in a tough spot that maybe you wish you hadn't gotten yourself into. With that in mind I am going to propose a (potentially unpopular) solution. Break up with your BF (who is the selfish one in this situation, IMO). Take a semester off of school. Quit your job. And move home. Transfer schools to a college closer to home and get a job close to home too. Fix your life now while you're young rather than going headlong down a path that you know is not leading to a good place before you've gone too far. The longer you wait to extricate yourself from your current situation the harder it will be. It is ok to press the reset button. . . and I'm betting your family will be happy if you decide to do what I just suggested.

And for the love of god, figure our a method of birth control that works for you ASAP and don't have sex again until you do.

Wishing you all the best and lots of luck. Have courage to know when you're in over your head and ask for help.

This.

beanbot2002 · September 2013

cu97tiger said:

@phira @cocobellaf @beanbot2002 @loves2shop4shoes all have had great points.

One that hasn't been mentioned: Use a non-lubed condom with pre-seed. You'll need to do a little research (like five minutes) to make sure they are compatible, but pre-seed is a water-based lubricant that hardly anyone has an allergic reaction to.

Finally, I will echo other's sentiments. We want to help you (hell, we've taken all this time to respond and read other's responses). But your excuses are starting to sound crazy. The right answer for someone in your situation (i.e. feels like no birth control is the right fit) is to stop having sex. Better yet, neither you @aschive nor your boyfriend are mature enough to be in an adult relationship. That isn't a dig. You're young, it's ok to act like it. But do not 'play' at being an adult (i.e. living with your BF) when you are really someone who needs to do some growing up and figuring some things out.

Actually, this will be my finally.... as someone who is doing everything in her power to get pregnant with her husband, I am fucking livid that you are taking fertility so cavalierly. I am literally seeing red right now. Find another living situation, break up with your selfish BF, and just focus on school and work.

I love you to pieces.

Am I being selfish? (Long)

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