Honestly, I threw my hands up in the air after the "Wah, I don't wanna do birth control or research condoms for myself" post. Let me tell you why...
You sound a whole hell of a lot like me at 20. Guess what? I was a selfish whiney 20 yr old asshole. I made excuse after excuse after excuse. Even if folks much older and MUCH MUCH wiser gave me solid advice and direction, I made a miread of excuses as to why I could follow said advice. "I don't like the hormones, I don't like condoms-they feel weird, I can't be expected to carry that heavy of a course load because of x,y,z, I can't help that I didn't pass that class because that teacher did (fill in the blank), etc etc etc"
And then, guess what? I got pregnant. With a guy who was not nearly ready to be a father, but had managed to get 2 girls knocked up in 6 months. Was that all his fault? Nope. Guess who opened her legs? Guess who refused to go on BC for ridiculous reasons? Guess who didn't force homeboy to wear a condom? That'd be me.
I was 21, in/failing out of college, and pregnant. None of those occurred because someone was holding a gun to my head, they happened because I walked around making ridiculous excuse after excuse. STOP MAKING RIDICULOUS EXCUSES!!!!! I dropped out of school to have my son, and my life changed forever. FOREVER! I wouldn't take it back for the world, but I WILL warn you against it.
In the name of all that is holy, quit your freaking whining and get on some method of BC. I have a very very hard time with tampons as well. I did not have any problem what-so-ever with NuvaRing. Don't try to give me that excuse, because until you've at least tried it I won't buy it. Use the freaking alarm clock to remind you to take the damn pill. Quit with that half ass excuse that it didn't work for you. You didn't want it to work, that's why it didn't work. YOU chose not to get into the habit. Are you capable of getting into the habit? Absolutely. You remember to go to work on time on a daily basis. You remember to go to class on time. You can remember to take your damn BC pill.
I know I sound very very harsh. I am. I'm a mom of a pre-teen, and I've stood where you stand now. I don't accept half ass excuses from my 6th grader, I'm not gonna accept them from a 20 yr old. It's tough love, and I hope you take it.
Seriously OP, enough with the excuses. Everyone here is trying to give you good advice when it comes to school, and your relationship, and especially about birth control, but we don't know you - and the vast majority of people on here don't give a sh!t what happens with your life. YOU, however, should give a sh!t. Life isn't easy or fair, but ultimately the responsibility falls on your shoulders to make smart choices, and it sounds like you'd rather do anything but take responsibility for your choices.
My best friend and her BF don't use any form of birth control, for a variety of reasons (most of the ones you've mentioned). I think it's insane, and I'm surprised she hasn't gotten knocked up yet. We've talked about the possibility of her getting pregnant before and she's told me that while she'd rather not be a parent yet, she would go through with the pregnancy if it happened, and she'd be prepared to be a parent. Now, this girl is 26 with a full time job (with benefits), and her boyfriend has a full time job as well. Honestly, she ISN'T ready to be a parent, and I hope she doesn't get pregnant because she doesn't WANT to be now. If you don't actively WANT to get pregnant now, you should be doing what you can to prevent that. This means a) using a reliable form of birth control or b) abstaining from intercourse. There is no option c.
If one of my little sisters were acting/talking that you are, I'd probably smack her across the face and tell her to grow up.
Actually, this will be my finally.... as someone who is doing everything in her power to get pregnant with her husband, I am fucking livid that you are taking fertility so cavalierly. I am literally seeing red right now. Find another living situation, break up with your selfish BF, and just focus on school and work.
@aschive I am totally getting into reading all of this late - and what I'm going to say might sound weird.
You're allergic to most lubes - but you know what is (oddly) something that works wonders? Coconut oil. Seriously. And completely natural. (not to mention you can also use it for washing your face and basically anything under the sun - look it up)
HOWEVER - I do agree with most other posters that you need to do some serious thinking about what this relationship actually does for you - if it brings you down more than lifts you up (which it sounds like it does), then I don't think it's worth the investment. Staying just because you are scared of what's out there for you is NOT a valid reason to stay. Trust me. If you stay because you feel you have no where else to go, you will regret it. There are always other options - they may not be what you are dreaming of, but they will suffice for now.
I now they are excuses. But they are also reasons why I am currently not. I tried the alarm. I can't even use tampons so anything like that is out. I don't do shots and the patches gave me a rash that hurt. So if any have any suggestions about condoms (I know this is not the site for that) I am more than willing to hear. I have talked to my doctor and he didn't really know what to tell me. Other than suck it up and do Depo. I know they are not good reasons and are just excuses. But that is the one thing I very adamant about. Sorry. I know I sound immature when I say that but oh well.
My parents are 45 mins away so about 50 miles, I am currently getting 4-5 hour shifts at work 5 days a week so it doesn't make sense for me to move back there.
@queenofhearts1728 We have discussed doing this since we have a 2 bedroom apartment. Were you an apartment and if so did you split the bills or did it go on like normal just different bedrooms? I would like to know more about how you decided that and carried it out if you wouldn't mind sharing?
You seem like you are hearing and acknowledging everything being said. Now you just need to be ready to do something about it. I am a FIRM believer that every woman needs to live on her own before she gets married and/or moves in with a guy. This teaches you how you want to live, how to take responsibility, and let's you become an individual and establish your own identity and not just be a piece of other people's puzzles. I think in your case you need to seriously consider living on campus or something away from each other for a while. That would help you both learn to take responsibility for your own lives and mature a little bit. You're young, but you're not THAT young, if my math is correct. You just need to woman up and be a little more mature (mostly about the birth control thing. I mean for real? Suck it up and get the shot!)
I now they are excuses. But they are also reasons why I am currently not. I tried the alarm. I can't even use tampons so anything like that is out. I don't do shots and the patches gave me a rash that hurt. So if any have any suggestions about condoms (I know this is not the site for that) I am more than willing to hear. I have talked to my doctor and he didn't really know what to tell me. Other than suck it up and do Depo. I know they are not good reasons and are just excuses. But that is the one thing I very adamant about. Sorry. I know I sound immature when I say that but oh well.
My parents are 45 mins away so about 50 miles, I am currently getting 4-5 hour shifts at work 5 days a week so it doesn't make sense for me to move back there.
@queenofhearts1728 We have discussed doing this since we have a 2 bedroom apartment. Were you an apartment and if so did you split the bills or did it go on like normal just different bedrooms? I would like to know more about how you decided that and carried it out if you wouldn't mind sharing?
You seem like you are hearing and acknowledging everything being said. Now you just need to be ready to do something about it. I am a FIRM believer that every woman needs to live on her own before she gets married and/or moves in with a guy. This teaches you how you want to live, how to take responsibility, and let's you become an individual and establish your own identity and not just be a piece of other people's puzzles. I think in your case you need to seriously consider living on campus or something away from each other for a while. That would help you both learn to take responsibility for your own lives and mature a little bit. You're young, but you're not THAT young, if my math is correct. You just need to woman up and be a little more mature (mostly about the birth control thing. I mean for real? Suck it up and get the shot!)
What if you can't afford to live on your own but have had to be home alone in your parents' house taking care of things? Because I currently still live with my parents and moving in with my BF is cheaper than moving out on my own. My mother's health has caused her not to be home quite as much as usual sometimes so I do what I can to help take care of myself and the house. Would that count to be close to living on your own?
As someone who lived on her own after I started dating FI, I second @Kss20 and I have to say that @bubbles053009, no there is no substitute for actually having lived on your own.
What if you can't afford to live on your own but have had to be home alone in your parents' house taking care of things? Because I currently still live with my parents and moving in with my BF is cheaper than moving out on my own. My mother's health has caused her not to be home quite as much as usual sometimes so I do what I can to help take care of myself and the house. Would that count to be close to living on your own?
As someone who lived on her own after I started dating FI, I second @Kss20 and I have to say that @bubbles053009, no there is no substitute for actually having lived on your own.
Agreed. I lived on my own for 2.5 years, and it was the best thing I ever did. I know some people haven't ever lived on their own, but I am SOOOOO glad I did before I lived with BF. I wouldn't trade those 2.5 years on my own for ANYTHING. I learned more about myself in that time than I can elaborate.
Rent a room in a house, when I first moved out on my own I lived in a house with 3 roomies, I rented a room from the owner. It was a pretty good arrangement. It was cheaper than my own apt or sharing an apt with one other person.
If you can't afford to live on your own I can see the draw of wanting to move in with your BF. It just helps to be living separately from your BF. Just in case heaven forbid something happens and you need to move out of your BFs place, well then you can draw back on your experience and do it. I remember when I broke up with my ex-BF and it was a daunting task, looking for a new place, budgeting and moving but I was able to do it and quick cause I knew what to expect.
IMHO, If you absolutely can not afford to live on your own, you shouldn't move in with your BF just to get out of your parents house. It sets up a horrid dynamic of dependence, and if things go wrong you're stuck.
@Aschive, Hopefully you're still lurking around here after this thread jack. PP have covered the BC issue, and I hope you can find a system that works for you ASAP. Even if you end up spending the rest of your life with your current BF, having a kid now will have serious negative side effects on every aspect of your life. By not protecting yourself right now you are setting yourself up for a more difficult life, and there is no reason for it at all.
IMHO, If you absolutely can not afford to live on your own, you shouldn't move in with your BF just to get out of your parents house. It sets up a horrid dynamic of dependence, and if things go wrong you're stuck.
@Aschive, Hopefully you're still lurking around here after this thread jack. PP have covered the BC issue, and I hope you can find a system that works for you ASAP. Even if you end up spending the rest of your life with your current BF, having a kid now will have serious negative side effects on every aspect of your life. By not protecting yourself right now you are setting yourself up for a more difficult life, and there is no reason for it at all.
I honestly don't believe it would set up a dynamic of dependence. I know how to take care of myself because I have been doing so for over a decade now. I am more than capable of doing things on my own, including laundry, paying bills, cooking, etc. I just can't afford to live out on my own because I don't make nearly enough to rent a place on my own. Moving in my BF, into a place that will be our own, is the most logical option in my mind. I don't want to end up like my brother and SIL having to live with my parents after getting kicked out of our apartment because the landlords are shit. I'm nearly 25, my BF is 29. It's just logical in our minds to move in together because it wouldn't be as expensive.
Maybe where you live it isn't as expensive living on your own but around here it is. I've wanted to get out of my parents' house for years but can't afford it. I barely make enough now to pay my own bills and such. At least moving in with my BF will give me the independence to be out of my parents' house while being able to afford to live on my own.
ETA: And I don't like focusing on the fact of what will I do if we break up, because I don't want to think we will break up.
I live in the same area as you (New England, specifically Connecticut, one of the most expensive states in the country) and I was able to live on my own. I rented a shitty studio in a shitty neighborhood for $525 a month, and I made it work. I agree with @lennonkdc in regards to moving from one place to another with people is setting yourself up for dependence. Also, in regards to your statement about shitty landlords, fwiw I don't know the background story but most landlords are going to be "shitty" and kick tenants out when they're not paying the rent. Landlords are not charity outreach workers, their job is to make money by renting out their property. It really grinds my gears when someone says a person is a shitty landlord when all they're doing is collecting rent.
Also, you HAVE to plan if you guys break up. Yeah it sucks thinking about it, but it has to be done. If my BF moves out, I have to get a second job to pay the bills, there's my plan. It didn't take months of soul-searching and saying "we won't ever break up!" because it does happen.
Am I the only one who thinks that this poster reminds me of another poster????
IMHO, If you absolutely can not afford to live on your own, you shouldn't move in with your BF just to get out of your parents house. It sets up a horrid dynamic of dependence, and if things go wrong you're stuck.
@Aschive, Hopefully you're still lurking around here after this thread jack. PP have covered the BC issue, and I hope you can find a system that works for you ASAP. Even if you end up spending the rest of your life with your current BF, having a kid now will have serious negative side effects on every aspect of your life. By not protecting yourself right now you are setting yourself up for a more difficult life, and there is no reason for it at all.
I honestly don't believe it would set up a dynamic of dependence. I know how to take care of myself because I have been doing so for over a decade now. I am more than capable of doing things on my own, including laundry, paying bills, cooking, etc. I just can't afford to live out on my own because I don't make nearly enough to rent a place on my own. Moving in my BF, into a place that will be our own, is the most logical option in my mind. I don't want to end up like my brother and SIL having to live with my parents after getting kicked out of our apartment because the landlords are shit. I'm nearly 25, my BF is 29. It's just logical in our minds to move in together because it wouldn't be as expensive.
Maybe where you live it isn't as expensive living on your own but around here it is. I've wanted to get out of my parents' house for years but can't afford it. I barely make enough now to pay my own bills and such. At least moving in with my BF will give me the independence to be out of my parents' house while being able to afford to live on my own.
ETA: And I don't like focusing on the fact of what will I do if we break up, because I don't want to think we will break up.
I live in the same area as you (New England, specifically Connecticut, one of the most expensive states in the country) and I was able to live on my own. I rented a shitty studio in a shitty neighborhood for $525 a month, and I made it work. I agree with @lennonkdc in regards to moving from one place to another with people is setting yourself up for dependence. Also, in regards to your statement about shitty landlords, fwiw I don't know the background story but most landlords are going to be "shitty" and kick tenants out when they're not paying the rent. Landlords are not charity outreach workers, their job is to make money by renting out their property. It really grinds my gears when someone says a person is a shitty landlord when all they're doing is collecting rent.
Also, you HAVE to plan if you guys break up. Yeah it sucks thinking about it, but it has to be done. If my BF moves out, I have to get a second job to pay the bills, there's my plan. It didn't take months of soul-searching and saying "we won't ever break up!" because it does happen.
Am I the only one who thinks that this poster reminds me of another poster????
Negative.
Just because you have your account deleted and come back as someone new doesn't mean we suddenly forget all the crazy/annoying shit you posted on your old name.
IMHO, If you absolutely can not afford to live on your own, you shouldn't move in with your BF just to get out of your parents house. It sets up a horrid dynamic of dependence, and if things go wrong you're stuck.
@Aschive, Hopefully you're still lurking around here after this thread jack. PP have covered the BC issue, and I hope you can find a system that works for you ASAP. Even if you end up spending the rest of your life with your current BF, having a kid now will have serious negative side effects on every aspect of your life. By not protecting yourself right now you are setting yourself up for a more difficult life, and there is no reason for it at all.
I honestly don't believe it would set up a dynamic of dependence. I know how to take care of myself because I have been doing so for over a decade now. I am more than capable of doing things on my own, including laundry, paying bills, cooking, etc. I just can't afford to live out on my own because I don't make nearly enough to rent a place on my own. Moving in my BF, into a place that will be our own, is the most logical option in my mind. I don't want to end up like my brother and SIL having to live with my parents after getting kicked out of our apartment because the landlords are shit. I'm nearly 25, my BF is 29. It's just logical in our minds to move in together because it wouldn't be as expensive.
Maybe where you live it isn't as expensive living on your own but around here it is. I've wanted to get out of my parents' house for years but can't afford it. I barely make enough now to pay my own bills and such. At least moving in with my BF will give me the independence to be out of my parents' house while being able to afford to live on my own.
ETA: And I don't like focusing on the fact of what will I do if we break up, because I don't want to think we will break up.
I live in the same area as you (New England, specifically Connecticut, one of the most expensive states in the country) and I was able to live on my own. I rented a shitty studio in a shitty neighborhood for $525 a month, and I made it work. I agree with @lennonkdc in regards to moving from one place to another with people is setting yourself up for dependence. Also, in regards to your statement about shitty landlords, fwiw I don't know the background story but most landlords are going to be "shitty" and kick tenants out when they're not paying the rent. Landlords are not charity outreach workers, their job is to make money by renting out their property. It really grinds my gears when someone says a person is a shitty landlord when all they're doing is collecting rent.
Also, you HAVE to plan if you guys break up. Yeah it sucks thinking about it, but it has to be done. If my BF moves out, I have to get a second job to pay the bills, there's my plan. It didn't take months of soul-searching and saying "we won't ever break up!" because it does happen.
Am I the only one who thinks that this poster reminds me of another poster????
Negative.
Just because you have your account deleted and come back as someone new doesn't mean we suddenly forget all the crazy/annoying shit you posted on your old name.
And yet, I still have to defend myself and my relationship to you people. It is so not worth it anymore.
Oh hey, so reincarnation must be a genetic trait that you all share.
So how does one pass out, die and then bring themselves back to life? I've worked in healthcare in six years and have never heard of such things!
@buddysmom80 I have no flipping idea myself!! I am only going by what my mother told me that her doctors said to her. Either way, the pure fact that I still need to defend myself, who I am and how my relationship is, after everything, is purely ridiculous.
I have my beliefs and opinions and you have yours. Do I agree with yours? No but I don't sit there and tell you that you are in the wrong. I came here to try and have some people who I can talk to about certain things and all I have had to do is defend myself and who I am.
The reason why you have to do what you do (ie: defending yourself) is that you came on here a little BSC (discussing getting married in a church or not) then coming to us about your relationship issues, then talking about how your BF wants to LIVE BY HIMESELF before moving in together (like where is your time for independence????) then getting pissed that we're not justifying these shitty ideas.
I'll be honest, I have some crazy friends that have made questionable life choices, but some of the shit you say just has me scratching my head like "wtf???"
@buddysmom80 I have no flipping idea myself!! I am only going by what my mother told me that her doctors said to her. Either way, the pure fact that I still need to defend myself, who I am and how my relationship is, after everything, is purely ridiculous.
I have my beliefs and opinions and you have yours. Do I agree with yours? No but I don't sit there and tell you that you are in the wrong. I came here to try and have some people who I can talk to about certain things and all I have had to do is defend myself and who I am.
You came onto this board and we have based our responses on what you originally posted about yourself and your relationship. Every single one of us said there were major red flags in what you were telling us. That is ALL we have to go on.
Coming back and telling us "oh I exaggerated, it's not really that bad" makes me think that you're either crazy or you're lying.
Deleting your account so that all of your old posts disappear doesn't help your case in the least. It's just sneaky.
thinking about what would happen if a relationship were to end=/= thinking the relationship will end, just like having car insurance =/= going out and crashing your car into a wall.
The dynamic of dependance is set up b/c of an imbalance in finances. No one stays in a bad relationship b/c they can't do their own laundry. But knowing that you can support yourself- physically, emotionally and financially allows you to come into the relationship as an equal partner.
And no one here is making you defend yourself or your relationship. You are getting defensive b/c we disagree with you. You have the same 'I have an excuse for everything' attitude as the OP does re:BC. All we are saying, from some really hard earned life experience, is that moving in with a SO b/c you can't afford your own place and you need out of your parents house can set you up for disaster.
We are however judging the crap out of you for thinking you could have the KG's delete your old account and then come back with a new SN and no one would notice. Its not normal to 'die' on this board and then bring yourself back to life...just sayin...
thinking about what would happen if a relationship were to end=/= thinking the relationship will end, just like having car insurance =/= going out and crashing your car into a wall.
The dynamic of dependance is set up b/c of an imbalance in finances. No one stays in a bad relationship b/c they can't do their own laundry. But knowing that you can support yourself- physically, emotionally and financially allows you to come into the relationship as an equal partner.
And no one here is making you defend yourself or your relationship. You are getting defensive b/c we disagree with you. You have the same 'I have an excuse for everything' attitude as the OP does re:BC. All we are saying, from some really hard earned life experience, is that moving in with a SO b/c you can't afford your own place and you need out of your parents house can set you up for disaster.
We are however judging the crap out of you for thinking you could have the KG's delete your old account and then come back with a new SN and no one would notice. Its not normal to 'die' on this board and then bring yourself back to life...just sayin...
@buddysmom80 I have no flipping idea myself!! I am only going by what my mother told me that her doctors said to her. Either way, the pure fact that I still need to defend myself, who I am and how my relationship is, after everything, is purely ridiculous.
I have my beliefs and opinions and you have yours. Do I agree with yours? No but I don't sit there and tell you that you are in the wrong. I came here to try and have some people who I can talk to about certain things and all I have had to do is defend myself and who I am.
The reason why you have to do what you do (ie: defending yourself) is that you came on here a little BSC (discussing getting married in a church or not) then coming to us about your relationship issues, then talking about how your BF wants to LIVE BY HIMESELF before moving in together (like where is your time for independence????) then getting pissed that we're not justifying these shitty ideas.
I'll be honest, I have some crazy friends that have made questionable life choices, but some of the shit you say just has me scratching my head like "wtf???"
And as I have stated plenty of times, if I didn't agree with it, I wouldn't be with him. I have my own independence even though I live at home with my parents. I pay my own bills, I drive myself to work, I take care of myself while also making sure my mother, who has been sick since I was 11-12, is also taken care of if she needs help. I have had to grow up fast in my life because of how sick my mother was.
His reasoning behind wanting two months, that is all, by himself in the condo is because he has had to take care of both of his parents since he was 7. He wants to do something for himself for a change. I agree with him completely. Am I a bit upset? Of course but I love him too much to push. I have made my fair share of sacrifices for my BF and never once asked him to do so for me. It is what makes our relationship strong. He comes from a very different family than I do and that is what I love so much. It was difficult in the beginning but now 4 years into it, it isn't anymore.
And btw, I am not getting pissed that you aren't justifying my "shitty" ideas. I'm getting pissed that I have had to defend everything about myself to a bunch of strangers on the internet who think they know better.
To the bolded: You've had to take care of your mom for years so where the FUCK IS YOUR INDEPENDENCE??????? What makes him the one that gets to live on his own for two months? Fuck that shit, if I were you, I'd tell him to go fuck off and find someone who isn't as ass selfish as your boyfriend.
@buddysmom80 I have no flipping idea myself!! I am only going by what my mother told me that her doctors said to her. Either way, the pure fact that I still need to defend myself, who I am and how my relationship is, after everything, is purely ridiculous.
I have my beliefs and opinions and you have yours. Do I agree with yours? No but I don't sit there and tell you that you are in the wrong. I came here to try and have some people who I can talk to about certain things and all I have had to do is defend myself and who I am.
The reason why you have to do what you do (ie: defending yourself) is that you came on here a little BSC (discussing getting married in a church or not) then coming to us about your relationship issues, then talking about how your BF wants to LIVE BY HIMESELF before moving in together (like where is your time for independence????) then getting pissed that we're not justifying these shitty ideas.
I'll be honest, I have some crazy friends that have made questionable life choices, but some of the shit you say just has me scratching my head like "wtf???"
And as I have stated plenty of times, if I didn't agree with it, I wouldn't be with him. I have my own independence even though I live at home with my parents. I pay my own bills, I drive myself to work, I take care of myself while also making sure my mother, who has been sick since I was 11-12, is also taken care of if she needs help. I have had to grow up fast in my life because of how sick my mother was.
His reasoning behind wanting two months, that is all, by himself in the condo is because he has had to take care of both of his parents since he was 7. He wants to do something for himself for a change. I agree with him completely. Am I a bit upset? Of course but I love him too much to push. I have made my fair share of sacrifices for my BF and never once asked him to do so for me. It is what makes our relationship strong. He comes from a very different family than I do and that is what I love so much. It was difficult in the beginning but now 4 years into it, it isn't anymore.
And btw, I am not getting pissed that you aren't justifying my "shitty" ideas. I'm getting pissed that I have had to defend everything about myself to a bunch of strangers on the internet who think they know better.
NO! no no no no no no no. Thats what makes you a fucking doormat.
STRONG RELATIONSHIPS come from compromise. From both partners asking for and giving what the other needs. My FI has made sacrifices for me, and I for him. Its called give and take, compromise, life. For fucks sake...
@buddysmom80 I have no flipping idea myself!! I am only going by what my mother told me that her doctors said to her. Either way, the pure fact that I still need to defend myself, who I am and how my relationship is, after everything, is purely ridiculous.
I have my beliefs and opinions and you have yours. Do I agree with yours? No but I don't sit there and tell you that you are in the wrong. I came here to try and have some people who I can talk to about certain things and all I have had to do is defend myself and who I am.
The reason why you have to do what you do (ie: defending yourself) is that you came on here a little BSC (discussing getting married in a church or not) then coming to us about your relationship issues, then talking about how your BF wants to LIVE BY HIMESELF before moving in together (like where is your time for independence????) then getting pissed that we're not justifying these shitty ideas.
I'll be honest, I have some crazy friends that have made questionable life choices, but some of the shit you say just has me scratching my head like "wtf???"
And as I have stated plenty of times, if I didn't agree with it, I wouldn't be with him. I have my own independence even though I live at home with my parents. I pay my own bills, I drive myself to work, I take care of myself while also making sure my mother, who has been sick since I was 11-12, is also taken care of if she needs help. I have had to grow up fast in my life because of how sick my mother was.
His reasoning behind wanting two months, that is all, by himself in the condo is because he has had to take care of both of his parents since he was 7. He wants to do something for himself for a change. I agree with him completely. Am I a bit upset? Of course but I love him too much to push. I have made my fair share of sacrifices for my BF and never once asked him to do so for me. It is what makes our relationship strong. He comes from a very different family than I do and that is what I love so much. It was difficult in the beginning but now 4 years into it, it isn't anymore.
And btw, I am not getting pissed that you aren't justifying my "shitty" ideas. I'm getting pissed that I have had to defend everything about myself to a bunch of strangers on the internet who think they know better.
@buddysmom80 I have no flipping idea myself!! I am only going by what my mother told me that her doctors said to her. Either way, the pure fact that I still need to defend myself, who I am and how my relationship is, after everything, is purely ridiculous.
I have my beliefs and opinions and you have yours. Do I agree with yours? No but I don't sit there and tell you that you are in the wrong. I came here to try and have some people who I can talk to about certain things and all I have had to do is defend myself and who I am.
The reason why you have to do what you do (ie: defending yourself) is that you came on here a little BSC (discussing getting married in a church or not) then coming to us about your relationship issues, then talking about how your BF wants to LIVE BY HIMESELF before moving in together (like where is your time for independence????) then getting pissed that we're not justifying these shitty ideas.
I'll be honest, I have some crazy friends that have made questionable life choices, but some of the shit you say just has me scratching my head like "wtf???"
And as I have stated plenty of times, if I didn't agree with it, I wouldn't be with him. I have my own independence even though I live at home with my parents. I pay my own bills, I drive myself to work, I take care of myself while also making sure my mother, who has been sick since I was 11-12, is also taken care of if she needs help. I have had to grow up fast in my life because of how sick my mother was.
His reasoning behind wanting two months, that is all, by himself in the condo is because he has had to take care of both of his parents since he was 7. He wants to do something for himself for a change. I agree with him completely. Am I a bit upset? Of course but I love him too much to push. I have made my fair share of sacrifices for my BF and never once asked him to do so for me. It is what makes our relationship strong. He comes from a very different family than I do and that is what I love so much. It was difficult in the beginning but now 4 years into it, it isn't anymore.
And btw, I am not getting pissed that you aren't justifying my "shitty" ideas. I'm getting pissed that I have had to defend everything about myself to a bunch of strangers on the internet who think they know better.
Your relationship is strong because you make sacrifices and your BF does not? That sounds super healthy.
You have every right to be upset that he's demanded he live alone in the condo that the two of you chose together with the intention of living there TOGETHER.
Also, you either agree with him completely or you're upset about it. I don't understand how you could be both.
thinking about what would happen if a relationship were to end=/= thinking the relationship will end, just like having car insurance =/= going out and crashing your car into a wall.
The dynamic of dependance is set up b/c of an imbalance in finances. No one stays in a bad relationship b/c they can't do their own laundry. But knowing that you can support yourself- physically, emotionally and financially allows you to come into the relationship as an equal partner.
And no one here is making you defend yourself or your relationship. You are getting defensive b/c we disagree with you. You have the same 'I have an excuse for everything' attitude as the OP does re:BC. All we are saying, from some really hard earned life experience, is that moving in with a SO b/c you can't afford your own place and you need out of your parents house can set you up for disaster.
We are however judging the crap out of you for thinking you could have the KG's delete your old account and then come back with a new SN and no one would notice. Its not normal to 'die' on this board and then bring yourself back to life...just sayin...
Wait a minute, I'm not allowed to post?
Love,
Christ on a Cracker
@buddysmom80 - I think this just made my day. My computer is not happy with you right now, because I spit out my water when I saw your post.
thinking about what would happen if a relationship were to end=/= thinking the relationship will end, just like having car insurance =/= going out and crashing your car into a wall.
The dynamic of dependance is set up b/c of an imbalance in finances. No one stays in a bad relationship b/c they can't do their own laundry. But knowing that you can support yourself- physically, emotionally and financially allows you to come into the relationship as an equal partner.
And no one here is making you defend yourself or your relationship. You are getting defensive b/c we disagree with you. You have the same 'I have an excuse for everything' attitude as the OP does re:BC. All we are saying, from some really hard earned life experience, is that moving in with a SO b/c you can't afford your own place and you need out of your parents house can set you up for disaster.
We are however judging the crap out of you for thinking you could have the KG's delete your old account and then come back with a new SN and no one would notice. Its not normal to 'die' on this board and then bring yourself back to life...just sayin...
Wait a minute, I'm not allowed to post?
Love,
Christ on a Cracker
@buddysmom80 - I think this just made my day. My computer is not happy with you right now, because I spit out my water when I saw your post.
AMEN!
(Had to keep with the Jesus theme of this post lol)
@buddysmom80 I have no flipping idea myself!! I am only going by what my mother told me that her doctors said to her. Either way, the pure fact that I still need to defend myself, who I am and how my relationship is, after everything, is purely ridiculous.
I have my beliefs and opinions and you have yours. Do I agree with yours? No but I don't sit there and tell you that you are in the wrong. I came here to try and have some people who I can talk to about certain things and all I have had to do is defend myself and who I am.
The reason why you have to do what you do (ie: defending yourself) is that you came on here a little BSC (discussing getting married in a church or not) then coming to us about your relationship issues, then talking about how your BF wants to LIVE BY HIMESELF before moving in together (like where is your time for independence????) then getting pissed that we're not justifying these shitty ideas.
I'll be honest, I have some crazy friends that have made questionable life choices, but some of the shit you say just has me scratching my head like "wtf???"
And as I have stated plenty of times, if I didn't agree with it, I wouldn't be with him. I have my own independence even though I live at home with my parents. I pay my own bills, I drive myself to work, I take care of myself while also making sure my mother, who has been sick since I was 11-12, is also taken care of if she needs help. I have had to grow up fast in my life because of how sick my mother was.
His reasoning behind wanting two months, that is all, by himself in the condo is because he has had to take care of both of his parents since he was 7. He wants to do something for himself for a change. I agree with him completely. Am I a bit upset? Of course but I love him too much to push. I have made my fair share of sacrifices for my BF and never once asked him to do so for me. It is what makes our relationship strong. He comes from a very different family than I do and that is what I love so much. It was difficult in the beginning but now 4 years into it, it isn't anymore.
And btw, I am not getting pissed that you aren't justifying my "shitty" ideas. I'm getting pissed that I have had to defend everything about myself to a bunch of strangers on the internet who think they know better.
To the bolded: You've had to take care of your mom for years so where the FUCK IS YOUR INDEPENDENCE??????? What makes him the one that gets to live on his own for two months? Fuck that shit, if I were you, I'd tell him to go fuck off and find someone who isn't as ass selfish as your boyfriend.
Correction: I haven't had to take care of my mom. He has. I have taken care of the house, the laundry, the cleaning while my mother was sick. He has driven his parents to numerous doctor's appointments because they don't speak much English. I have taken care of myself and there are times where my mom tries to tell me not to help her but I tell her that she can't do so herself. My mom has my father to help her get to doctor's appointments as well as my two SILs while I have worked a full time job since I was 19 that paid me shit. My BF's parents don't have that since his brother is an absolute douche and so isn't his SIL.
Fartbubbler, stop making excuses for your BF. Wouldn't you like a week (wait, two months) alone eating Lean Pockets and having intellectual conversations with your cats? Not cleaning your apartment and dropping the laundry off to the dry cleaners because goddammit you live on your own and don't have to do shit for ANYBODY? I did it before I moved in with my BF, and I loved it. You need your time alone and your independence just as much as your BF does. It's not fair to you, and all kidding aside, but you are going to be in a sad situation for a long time if this is a "healthy" relationship for you.
For the record, we aren't being "mean" to you just to be mean. All of us have been genuinely concerned about the multiple, serious red flags that YOU HAVE TOLD US ABOUT, since you began posting. We have tried giving you advice, and every time we do, you come back with a ridiculous excuse. THAT is why we are frustrated. Back tracking & making excuses doesn't make us forget about the already side-eye worthy things you have told us.
Everyone here besides you sees the same things. You don't have a healthy relationship, no matter how much you try to justify it.
@buddysmom80 I have no flipping idea myself!! I am only going by what my mother told me that her doctors said to her. Either way, the pure fact that I still need to defend myself, who I am and how my relationship is, after everything, is purely ridiculous.
I have my beliefs and opinions and you have yours. Do I agree with yours? No but I don't sit there and tell you that you are in the wrong. I came here to try and have some people who I can talk to about certain things and all I have had to do is defend myself and who I am.
The reason why you have to do what you do (ie: defending yourself) is that you came on here a little BSC (discussing getting married in a church or not) then coming to us about your relationship issues, then talking about how your BF wants to LIVE BY HIMESELF before moving in together (like where is your time for independence????) then getting pissed that we're not justifying these shitty ideas.
I'll be honest, I have some crazy friends that have made questionable life choices, but some of the shit you say just has me scratching my head like "wtf???"
And as I have stated plenty of times, if I didn't agree with it, I wouldn't be with him. I have my own independence even though I live at home with my parents. I pay my own bills, I drive myself to work, I take care of myself while also making sure my mother, who has been sick since I was 11-12, is also taken care of if she needs help. I have had to grow up fast in my life because of how sick my mother was.
His reasoning behind wanting two months, that is all, by himself in the condo is because he has had to take care of both of his parents since he was 7. He wants to do something for himself for a change. I agree with him completely. Am I a bit upset? Of course but I love him too much to push. I have made my fair share of sacrifices for my BF and never once asked him to do so for me. It is what makes our relationship strong. He comes from a very different family than I do and that is what I love so much. It was difficult in the beginning but now 4 years into it, it isn't anymore.
And btw, I am not getting pissed that you aren't justifying my "shitty" ideas. I'm getting pissed that I have had to defend everything about myself to a bunch of strangers on the internet who think they know better.
Your relationship is strong because you make sacrifices and your BF does not? That sounds super healthy.
You have every right to be upset that he's demanded he live alone in the condo that the two of you chose together with the intention of living there TOGETHER.
Also, you either agree with him completely or you're upset about it. I don't understand how you could be both.
The difference being that I never asked him to make any sacrifices for me. He has asked me to do so. It's a totally different family dynamic than I have. For example, in my family Thanksgiving and Christmas are spent with your immediate family(your brothers, sisters, their kids, your parents, etc) whereas his family is his cousins and aunts and uncles and such. My family doesn't expect everyone to show up to kids' birthday parties whereas his family it is seen as a sign of respect to go to every single birthday party. His family is like 98% Portuguese and my family is a huge mix.
My family understands if he can't show up to something, whereas his family gets offended. I had to make sacrifices in order to understand that. He never had to because I never had to ask.
What in the fuck does this have to do with ANYTHING that is being talked about here?
@buddysmom80 I have no flipping idea myself!! I am only going by what my mother told me that her doctors said to her. Either way, the pure fact that I still need to defend myself, who I am and how my relationship is, after everything, is purely ridiculous.
I have my beliefs and opinions and you have yours. Do I agree with yours? No but I don't sit there and tell you that you are in the wrong. I came here to try and have some people who I can talk to about certain things and all I have had to do is defend myself and who I am.
The reason why you have to do what you do (ie: defending yourself) is that you came on here a little BSC (discussing getting married in a church or not) then coming to us about your relationship issues, then talking about how your BF wants to LIVE BY HIMESELF before moving in together (like where is your time for independence????) then getting pissed that we're not justifying these shitty ideas.
I'll be honest, I have some crazy friends that have made questionable life choices, but some of the shit you say just has me scratching my head like "wtf???"
And as I have stated plenty of times, if I didn't agree with it, I wouldn't be with him. I have my own independence even though I live at home with my parents. I pay my own bills, I drive myself to work, I take care of myself while also making sure my mother, who has been sick since I was 11-12, is also taken care of if she needs help. I have had to grow up fast in my life because of how sick my mother was.
His reasoning behind wanting two months, that is all, by himself in the condo is because he has had to take care of both of his parents since he was 7. He wants to do something for himself for a change. I agree with him completely. Am I a bit upset? Of course but I love him too much to push. I have made my fair share of sacrifices for my BF and never once asked him to do so for me. It is what makes our relationship strong. He comes from a very different family than I do and that is what I love so much. It was difficult in the beginning but now 4 years into it, it isn't anymore.
And btw, I am not getting pissed that you aren't justifying my "shitty" ideas. I'm getting pissed that I have had to defend everything about myself to a bunch of strangers on the internet who think they know better.
To the bolded: You've had to take care of your mom for years so where the FUCK IS YOUR INDEPENDENCE??????? What makes him the one that gets to live on his own for two months? Fuck that shit, if I were you, I'd tell him to go fuck off and find someone who isn't as ass selfish as your boyfriend.
Correction: I haven't had to take care of my mom. He has. I have taken care of the house, the laundry, the cleaning while my mother was sick. He has driven his parents to numerous doctor's appointments because they don't speak much English. I have taken care of myself and there are times where my mom tries to tell me not to help her but I tell her that she can't do so herself. My mom has my father to help her get to doctor's appointments as well as my two SILs while I have worked a full time job since I was 19 that paid me shit. My BF's parents don't have that since his brother is an absolute douche and so isn't his SIL.
Fartbubbler, stop making excuses for your BF. Wouldn't you like a week (wait, two months) alone eating Lean Pockets and having intellectual conversations with your cats? Not cleaning your apartment and dropping the laundry off to the dry cleaners because goddammit you live on your own and don't have to do shit for ANYBODY? I did it before I moved in with my BF, and I loved it. You need your time alone and your independence just as much as your BF does. It's not fair to you, and all kidding aside, but you are going to be in a sad situation for a long time if this is a "healthy" relationship for you.
I do that now while I'm living with my parents. I have my independence and alone time while I am at home. I just can't afford a place on my own nor would I prefer to live with a bunch of strangers just so that you all can be like 'see she lived on her own, now her life will be better.'
I am perfectly happy with the completely healthy relationship with my BF because he cares about me 100%. I'm sorry that none of you can understand that!
I can't even... @bubbles053009, either take the advice or leave it. Just stop posting if you don't want to listen to the advice. You're "defending" yourself is just trying to prove advice wrong. Leave it be if you truly believe your relationship is healthy and happy.
@Swazzle You wanted to know why I make more sacrifices than my BF does. That explains it right there.
NO. "My BF's family is Portuguese" does not in any way/shape/form explain why it's ok for you to constantly make sacrifices in your relationship but your BF does not have to.
bubbles053009... Your relationship is a sham. Your BF is a dick. You are a doormat. You are using EVERY possible excuse under the sun to defend your relationship and why you should stay.
You really are beyond help. You refuse to look at what's in front of you. We can't help you if you won't help you.
For the record, we aren't being "mean" to you just to be mean. All of us have been genuinely concerned about the multiple, serious red flags that YOU HAVE TOLD US ABOUT, since you began posting. We have tried giving you advice, and every time we do, you come back with a ridiculous excuse. THAT is why we are frustrated. Back tracking & making excuses doesn't make us forget about the already side-eye worthy things you have told us.
Everyone here besides you sees the same things. You don't have a healthy relationship, no matter how much you try to justify it.
I have seen my fair share of unhealthy relationships and I have had relationships with guys who were absolute dicks to me. Didn't you say in an earlier post current BF is first relationship??? They didn't give a shit about my well being or my feelings one bit. The only person who has felt that way has been my BF. It may not seem like a healthy relationship because you don't have the whole story because I don't have the time to type that all out.
I had a relationship with a guy, who my best friend stole from me by telling him all I wanted to do was kill myself and then went and cheated on him with his younger brother, that treated me nothing more than a warm body to cuddle and make out with. I had another who never had time for me but had enough time to constantly text me after he got married.
My BF has been the best thing to ever happen to me because he actually makes me happy and my family loves that.
Here's some of my (own) examples of happy and not happy relationships:
1) Dated a guy from ages 20-27. Never communicated about our future. I get a job where I am now, he gets a job in Amarillo, TX. Whoops, never talked about what would happen. We went our seperate ways (we're still friends). Lesson of this relationship: communicate
2) Dated an asshole from 27-30. Very controlling man, I did everything for him, he did NOTHING for me, stole my mom's CC for a weekend in NYC with some random chick, etc. Got an apartment together, two days after I signed my lease he tells me he's met someone else. Had to pay the landlord a ton of $$$ for her not to fuck up my credit. We go our seperate ways, get back together, he goes away for a guys weekend, ends up getting his ex-step sister KTFU. We go our seperate ways (again), he calls me from the local police department a few weeks after his son is born to beg him to bail him out from a domestic violence charge. Paid the $250 bail and took him back to my apartment and he never left. I paid ALL THE BILLS, cooked all the meals, did all the laundry and he did NOTHING except for screaming at me, punching holes in the wall, slapping me, pulling my hair oh and the one time he pointed a gun at my head. Finally he packed his shit and moved out.
Shortly after that, I met my current BF and learned what a normal, healthy relationship is. You give and you take, it's a 50/50 thing, and you communicate.
So take this word of advice: when 81394830148325702845 people are telling you this relationship is not right and someone like me is telling you that, then maybe you should step back and realize that you're not in a healthy relationship.
Re: Am I being selfish? (Long)
@beanbot2002 wins the advice olympics.
@aschive I am totally getting into reading all of this late - and what I'm going to say might sound weird.
You're allergic to most lubes - but you know what is (oddly) something that works wonders? Coconut oil. Seriously. And completely natural. (not to mention you can also use it for washing your face and basically anything under the sun - look it up)
HOWEVER - I do agree with most other posters that you need to do some serious thinking about what this relationship actually does for you - if it brings you down more than lifts you up (which it sounds like it does), then I don't think it's worth the investment. Staying just because you are scared of what's out there for you is NOT a valid reason to stay. Trust me. If you stay because you feel you have no where else to go, you will regret it. There are always other options - they may not be what you are dreaming of, but they will suffice for now.
You seem like you are hearing and acknowledging everything being said. Now you just need to be ready to do something about it. I am a FIRM believer that every woman needs to live on her own before she gets married and/or moves in with a guy. This teaches you how you want to live, how to take responsibility, and let's you become an individual and establish your own identity and not just be a piece of other people's puzzles. I think in your case you need to seriously consider living on campus or something away from each other for a while. That would help you both learn to take responsibility for your own lives and mature a little bit. You're young, but you're not THAT young, if my math is correct. You just need to woman up and be a little more mature (mostly about the birth control thing. I mean for real? Suck it up and get the shot!)
If you can't afford to live on your own I can see the draw of wanting to move in with your BF. It just helps to be living separately from your BF. Just in case heaven forbid something happens and you need to move out of your BFs place, well then you can draw back on your experience and do it. I remember when I broke up with my ex-BF and it was a daunting task, looking for a new place, budgeting and moving but I was able to do it and quick cause I knew what to expect.
Motolyn's House Remodel Blog Starting anew Nov. 2012.
I live in the same area as you (New England, specifically Connecticut, one of the most expensive states in the country) and I was able to live on my own. I rented a shitty studio in a shitty neighborhood for $525 a month, and I made it work. I agree with @lennonkdc in regards to moving from one place to another with people is setting yourself up for dependence. Also, in regards to your statement about shitty landlords, fwiw I don't know the background story but most landlords are going to be "shitty" and kick tenants out when they're not paying the rent. Landlords are not charity outreach workers, their job is to make money by renting out their property. It really grinds my gears when someone says a person is a shitty landlord when all they're doing is collecting rent.
Also, you HAVE to plan if you guys break up. Yeah it sucks thinking about it, but it has to be done. If my BF moves out, I have to get a second job to pay the bills, there's my plan. It didn't take months of soul-searching and saying "we won't ever break up!" because it does happen.
Am I the only one who thinks that this poster reminds me of another poster????
Oh hey, so reincarnation must be a genetic trait that you all share.
So how does one pass out, die and then bring themselves back to life? I've worked in healthcare in six years and have never heard of such things!
The reason why you have to do what you do (ie: defending yourself) is that you came on here a little BSC (discussing getting married in a church or not) then coming to us about your relationship issues, then talking about how your BF wants to LIVE BY HIMESELF before moving in together (like where is your time for independence????) then getting pissed that we're not justifying these shitty ideas.
I'll be honest, I have some crazy friends that have made questionable life choices, but some of the shit you say just has me scratching my head like "wtf???"
Wait a minute, I'm not allowed to post?
Love,
Christ on a Cracker
To the bolded: You've had to take care of your mom for years so where the FUCK IS YOUR INDEPENDENCE??????? What makes him the one that gets to live on his own for two months? Fuck that shit, if I were you, I'd tell him to go fuck off and find someone who isn't as ass selfish as your boyfriend.
@buddysmom80 - I think this just made my day. My computer is not happy with you right now, because I spit out my water when I saw your post.
AMEN!
(Had to keep with the Jesus theme of this post lol)
Fartbubbler, stop making excuses for your BF. Wouldn't you like a week (wait, two months) alone eating Lean Pockets and having intellectual conversations with your cats? Not cleaning your apartment and dropping the laundry off to the dry cleaners because goddammit you live on your own and don't have to do shit for ANYBODY? I did it before I moved in with my BF, and I loved it. You need your time alone and your independence just as much as your BF does. It's not fair to you, and all kidding aside, but you are going to be in a sad situation for a long time if this is a "healthy" relationship for you.
bubbles053009... Your relationship is a sham. Your BF is a dick. You are a doormat. You are using EVERY possible excuse under the sun to defend your relationship and why you should stay.
You really are beyond help. You refuse to look at what's in front of you. We can't help you if you won't help you.
And, with that, I'm done with this thread.
Here's some of my (own) examples of happy and not happy relationships:
1) Dated a guy from ages 20-27. Never communicated about our future. I get a job where I am now, he gets a job in Amarillo, TX. Whoops, never talked about what would happen. We went our seperate ways (we're still friends). Lesson of this relationship: communicate
2) Dated an asshole from 27-30. Very controlling man, I did everything for him, he did NOTHING for me, stole my mom's CC for a weekend in NYC with some random chick, etc. Got an apartment together, two days after I signed my lease he tells me he's met someone else. Had to pay the landlord a ton of $$$ for her not to fuck up my credit. We go our seperate ways, get back together, he goes away for a guys weekend, ends up getting his ex-step sister KTFU. We go our seperate ways (again), he calls me from the local police department a few weeks after his son is born to beg him to bail him out from a domestic violence charge. Paid the $250 bail and took him back to my apartment and he never left. I paid ALL THE BILLS, cooked all the meals, did all the laundry and he did NOTHING except for screaming at me, punching holes in the wall, slapping me, pulling my hair oh and the one time he pointed a gun at my head. Finally he packed his shit and moved out.
Shortly after that, I met my current BF and learned what a normal, healthy relationship is. You give and you take, it's a 50/50 thing, and you communicate.
So take this word of advice: when 81394830148325702845 people are telling you this relationship is not right and someone like me is telling you that, then maybe you should step back and realize that you're not in a healthy relationship.