Bridal Shower Etiquette

NYCMercedes · September 2013

lbmarx said:

I had a coworker that got married and basically had the same dilemma. They decided that the best compromise would be to register for their honeymoon at honeymoon.com.
Guests went online to their registry and there were specific gifts they had registered for. My understanding is that they manually entered personalized details of their upcoming trip for guests to buy for them. The couple received the $$ for these items but the guests felt like they'd actually given them a special and individual part of their honeymoon that they'd always remember. For example, I bought them a candlelit dinner with wine and tapas overlooking the Blue Ridge Mountains. Really, I just paid $75 on the website and brought an inexpensive bottle of wine with a cute note on it for her to "open."
Not exactly a proper etiquette response and some may still find it strange or improper but I always loved how this solution made everyone happy and provided lots to talk about at the shower!
Good luck!!

Did you read any of this thread about how: (a) You're not giving them the experience, just a check cut to them, less the website's cut, and (b) How it's rude to register for cash?

blueobsidian · September 2013

lbmarx said:

Sorry I just noticed the other responses about honeymoon registries being rude, to each their own, I think it just depends on the guests.

So you wouldn't think it was rude if someone walked up to you and asked you for money to pay for their vacation?

heathertims · September 2013

To reply to the original post, and not flog a dead horse, I would say make a limited registry.

I didnt want a bridal shower either. In fact, I tried to refuse one on multiple occasions. It got to the point where I was hurting peoples feelings, and it just wasnt worth that, so I begrudgingly agreed. Generally, I feel like all these wedding events (bridal showers, engagement parties) are so gift grabby. Like yourself, FI and I have lived together for a few years, and didn't need much. I made a small registry including mostly stuff from IKEA. It made the guests happy, and I knew it wouldn't cost them an arm and a leg. I ended up getting a lot of gift cards for Ikea, cause I suppose people thought I must really like the store, which i do

In passing, the bridal shower turned out to be lovely, and I'm very happy my aunt was kind enough to throw me one.

@CoMtnBride You're right, to each their own! Have fun on your big day!

slgirl21 · September 2013

Asking for cash like that would be awkward coming from a guest point of view. Do you have a honeymoon booked? I've seen where couples put the honeymoon on there registry and ppl can either send money for you to spend etc..this way your not flat out asking them for cash, but giving them the option to put money towards the honeymoon, and take a look around your house/apartment to see if you do need upgraded items, towels are always big item to upgrade, and bed settings too. You might be surprised what you need. I wouldn't tell your mom/MOH to nix-the bridal shower I think its a nice gesture, I know probably some brides who want a bridal shower and don't have one and you can just limit it to small group of women also. GL

KeptInStitches · September 2013

@slgirl21, please read the thread to learn why honeymoon registries are a bad idea. Otherwise I agree with registering for upgrades if OP wants to.

nolllinj · September 2013

Depending on where you want to go for the honeymoon, there are honeymoon registries. We have registered at Sandals, but would prefer for them to give money to avoid the processing fees of 10%.

misssunshine17 · September 2013

nolllinj said:

Depending on where you want to go for the honeymoon, there are honeymoon registries. We have registered at Sandals, but would prefer for them to give money to avoid the processing fees of 10%.

Are you fucking serious? Read the thread.

Fran1985 · September 2013

Oh! Did you know they have these things called honeymoon registries? I don't think anyone has mentioned them in the previous 3 pages. It's a loophole to the rudeness of asking for money. You just ask for money through a website which makes it not rude anymore. . .

NYCMercedes · September 2013

Asking people for money is about the lowest you can go. A honeymoon registry is asking for money to fund your sex festival is even lower than low. Why would you offend your nearest and dearest like that?

Maggie0829 · September 2013

darahmw said:

Not sure if anyone has posted this yet because I didn't scroll through all of the replys but you can register at honeyfund.com. This way your guests can contribute to your honeymoon. They can pay for it through paypal it goes right to your bank account. For older guests that arent tech savvy, they can always give you cash if they do not know how to use it. This way it still in good taste. Hope this helps!

And this is why you should always read through the replys before posting. Like NYC said go back and read why honeyfund and other HM registries are bad form.

stopalltheworld20 · September 2013

This is YOUR wedding and YOUR bridal shower. You don't have to use anyone's suggested input. As long as you are not announcing how much people are giving because it's rude, you can ask for money for the honeymoon. Ask isn't even the right word. You can suggest that if people would like to contribute to your wedding and honeymoon, that they may give money, but that it isn't required. Be straightforward, have the host tell guests that they are not required or expected to give a gift, but if they feel so inclined that you are looking for some help saving for a memorable honeymoon.

These days etiquette isn't the same for everyone. My guests know that I am paying for the wedding myself and have been happy to give a few dollars here and there (which they don't have to, and I never asked them to) but they want us to have the best wedding and honeymoon we can possibly have so they're willing to give what they can.

It's based on you, and your guests. Not what etiquette says you should or shouldn't do. Tradition states that wedding dresses need to be white, but that doesn't fit everyone's style. So you have to do what's best for you and your guests. You're not telling them that they HAVE to give anything. You're just telling them that if they choose to give something, not to waste the money on something you probably won't use but to instead, help give you something to remember.

manateehugger · September 2013

stopalltheworld20 said:

This is YOUR wedding and YOUR bridal shower. You don't have to use anyone's suggested input. As long as you are not announcing how much people are giving because it's rude, you can ask for money for the honeymoon. Ask isn't even the right word. You can suggest that if people would like to contribute to your wedding and honeymoon, that they may give money, but that it isn't required. Be straightforward, have the host tell guests that they are not required or expected to give a gift, but if they feel so inclined that you are looking for some help saving for a memorable honeymoon.

These days etiquette isn't the same for everyone. My guests know that I am paying for the wedding myself and have been happy to give a few dollars here and there (which they don't have to, and I never asked them to) but they want us to have the best wedding and honeymoon we can possibly have so they're willing to give what they can.

It's based on you, and your guests. Not what etiquette says you should or shouldn't do. Tradition states that wedding dresses need to be white, but that doesn't fit everyone's style. So you have to do what's best for you and your guests. You're not telling them that they HAVE to give anything. You're just telling them that if they choose to give something, not to waste the money on something you probably won't use but to instead, help give you something to remember.

What? You make no sense. No. You don't get etiquette. Shh.

Maggie0829 · September 2013

NavyBlue143 · September 2013

Tradition is not etiquette.

manateehugger · September 2013

NavyBlue143 said:

Tradition is not etiquette.

You're right. But not hosting your own shower is a rule about not hosting a party for yourself in order to get gifts. That's common decency, not tradition.

APDSS22 · September 2013

PDKH said:

NavyBlue143 said:

Tradition is not etiquette.

You're right. But not hosting your own shower is a rule about not hosting a party for yourself in order to get gifts. That's common decency, not tradition.

I think she was responding to the "tradition says wedding dresses should be white" comment, which has NOTHING to do with etiquette.

aurorajanette · September 2013

stopalltheworld20 said:

This is YOUR wedding and YOUR bridal shower. You probably refer to it as your "Special Day" too. You don't have to use anyone's suggested input. Then why would you come on this site? As long as you are not announcing how much people are giving because it's rude, you can ask for money for the honeymoon. No you can't, this is rude. Ask isn't even the right word. You can suggest that if people would like to contribute to your wedding and honeymoon, that they may give money, but that it isn't required. Wow, how big of you for not "requiring" your guests to give money. If anyone ever said to me, "I would really like you to give me money, but it's not required", that would deserve a smack in the mouth. Be straightforward, have the host tell guests that they are not required or expected to give a gift, but if they feel so inclined that you are looking for some help saving for a memorable honeymoon.

These days etiquette isn't the same for everyone. My guests know that I am paying for the wedding myself and have been happy to give a few dollars here and there What?? Why are you even accepting money from your guests? Unless they are family, this is crazy. (which they don't have to, and I never asked them to) but they want us to have the best wedding and honeymoon we can possibly have so they're willing to give what they can.

It's based on you, and your guests. Not what etiquette says you should or shouldn't do. Tradition states that wedding dresses need to be white, but that doesn't fit everyone's style.The color of your dress has nothing to do with etiquette. You are not being rude by wearing a color other than white. You are comparing apples and oranges here. So you have to do what's best for you and your guests. You're not telling them that they HAVE to give anything. You're just telling them that if they choose to give something, not to waste the money on something you probably won't use but to instead, help give you something to remember.

Worst. Advice. Ever. Why are you even on the etiquette boards?

grumbledore · September 2013

lbmarx said:

I had a coworker that got married and basically had the same dilemma. They decided that the best compromise would be to register for their honeymoon at honeymoon.com.
Guests went online to their registry and there were specific gifts they had registered for. My understanding is that they manually entered personalized details of their upcoming trip for guests to buy for them. The couple received the $$ for these items but the guests felt like they'd actually given them a special and individual part of their honeymoon that they'd always remember. For example, I bought them a candlelit dinner with wine and tapas overlooking the Blue Ridge Mountains. Really, I just paid $75 on the website and brought an inexpensive bottle of wine with a cute note on it for her to "open."
Not exactly a proper etiquette response and some may still find it strange or improper but I always loved how this solution made everyone happy and provided lots to talk about at the shower!
Good luck!!

People, please read before you post. If a thread is 3 pages long, your advice has probably already been given - and in the case of the very poor advice quoted above, which has been given by several posters, refuted by a number of regs who actually know the answer to OP's question.

C'mon.

grumbledore · September 2013

stopalltheworld20 said:

This is YOUR wedding and YOUR bridal shower. You don't have to use anyone's suggested input. As long as you are not announcing how much people are giving because it's rude, you can ask for money for the honeymoon. Ask isn't even the right word. You can suggest that if people would like to contribute to your wedding and honeymoon, that they may give money, but that it isn't required. Be straightforward, have the host tell guests that they are not required or expected to give a gift, but if they feel so inclined that you are looking for some help saving for a memorable honeymoon.

These days etiquette isn't the same for everyone. My guests know that I am paying for the wedding myself and have been happy to give a few dollars here and there (which they don't have to, and I never asked them to) but they want us to have the best wedding and honeymoon we can possibly have so they're willing to give what they can.

It's based on you, and your guests. Not what etiquette says you should or shouldn't do. Tradition states that wedding dresses need to be white, but that doesn't fit everyone's style. So you have to do what's best for you and your guests. You're not telling them that they HAVE to give anything. You're just telling them that if they choose to give something, not to waste the money on something you probably won't use but to instead, help give you something to remember.

No.

Salsera29 · September 2013

Phew, I have been away for awhile but I'm glad there are still people here giving good advice!

I just want to reiterate what PPs have said:

1. Tradition =/= Etiquette. If it has nothing to do with your guest's comfort (ie chairs) or wallets (ie honeymoon registries) than knock yourself out and do what you want. Wear a black dress and have a unity cake if that's what makes you happy. In some cases, yes, it is YOUR wedding and you should do what you want. But if it affects the guests in any way, etiquette is etiquette and has nothing to do with region, religion, or culture.

2. Everbody wants money. Guests know you would like money. Registering for a honeymoon is NOT OK for all the reasons PPs have already mentioned.

3. This is an etiquette board. If you post here, we are going to assume you want to know what is proper etiquette. It is not a "share whatever ideas pop into your head" board. If you don't know what the proper etiquette is in a given situation, please lurk before you post. Or at the very least, read the thread!

arrippa · September 2013

stopalltheworld20 said:

This is YOUR wedding and YOUR bridal shower. You don't have to use anyone's suggested input. As long as you are not announcing how much people are giving because it's rude, you can ask for money for the honeymoon. Ask isn't even the right word. You can suggest that if people would like to contribute to your wedding and honeymoon, that they may give money, but that it isn't required. Be straightforward, have the host tell guests that they are not required or expected to give a gift, but if they feel so inclined that you are looking for some help saving for a memorable honeymoon.

These days etiquette isn't the same for everyone. My guests know that I am paying for the wedding myself and have been happy to give a few dollars here and there (which they don't have to, and I never asked them to) but they want us to have the best wedding and honeymoon we can possibly have so they're willing to give what they can.

It's based on you, and your guests. Not what etiquette says you should or shouldn't do. Tradition states that wedding dresses need to be white, but that doesn't fit everyone's style. So you have to do what's best for you and your guests. You're not telling them that they HAVE to give anything. You're just telling them that if they choose to give something, not to waste the money on something you probably won't use but to instead, help give you something to remember.

First off tradition is not the same as etiquette, however, etiquette is the same for everyone.

Defintion of etiquette- the conduct or procedure required by authority to be observed in social or official life.

This is an etiquette board, please do NOT come here and tell people to go against against etiquette. Some things are rude, like asking for money. People know that giving money is okay, but you don't ask for it. Honeyfunds and others of the ilk are scams. They take a percentage of the money you would receive.

dianna0711 · September 2013

I recently received an invitation for a birthday party and it said "your presence is your gift" which I found to be very nice

grumbledore · September 2013

dianna0711 said: I recently received an invitation for a birthday party and it said "your presence is your gift" which I found to be very nice --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Technically this is also impolite as it implies that otherwise a gift would have been expected. The only time a gift should be expected is at a shower.

mustbedreaming · September 2013

@simplykayla - have you thought of a honeymoon registry? FI and I are going to do a honeymoon registry (just for activities or dinners, not the flight/hotel) in addition to our two more traditional registries. I'm sure some people think they're tacky, but I think it's generally accepted nowadays.

Anyway, the one we're using is wanderable.com. You make a free page and then create "gifts" for your guests to give you. For example, if you wanted to go ziplining, you would look up the cost of ziplining in the area and create a gift titled "zipline fun!" or something. The total cost will show but guests can give an amount of their choosing that goes toward the total cost.

MoreChocolatePlease · September 2013

New game: every time "Honeymoon registry" is mentioned, take a shot.

STARMOON44 · September 2013

@mustbedreaming. Can you read? Is there some reason you've chosen to skip the three pages of rude honeymoon registry suggestions only to chime in with "have you thought of this?" and "generally accepted nowadays" which is clearly not true?

grumbledore · September 2013

mustbedreaming said:

@simplykayla - have you thought of a honeymoon registry? FI and I are going to do a honeymoon registry (just for activities or dinners, not the flight/hotel) in addition to our two more traditional registries. I'm sure some people think they're tacky, but I think it's generally accepted nowadays.

Anyway, the one we're using is wanderable.com. You make a free page and then create "gifts" for your guests to give you. For example, if you wanted to go ziplining, you would look up the cost of ziplining in the area and create a gift titled "zipline fun!" or something. The total cost will show but guests can give an amount of their choosing that goes toward the total cost.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

No. This is not good advice.

lfk2013 · September 2013

moemacWed30594 said:

First off tradition is not the same as etiquette, however, etiquette is the same for everyone.

Defintion of etiquette- the conduct or procedure required by authority to be observed in social or official life.

Who is the "authority?" A group of men and women in the early to mid 1900's? Something stemming from 100-year old traditions that someone one day decided was the law of the land? Who's to say that modern-day traditions can one day be considered etiquette?

I do understand that etiquette is important (I was raised in a Southern household) and some things have fallen by the wayside, but in many ways, life today is completely different. Those books and things the "authority" created don't always stand up in today's society unless one believes all women should go back to serving their husbands, stay home, and not do anything except pop out babies and clean.

As for me, I like mixing new and old. If someone says that I am ridiculous for having a "honeymoon registry (TAKE A SHOT!)" or having a website or having things more modern or using labels for addressing the invitations or even getting married on a Sunday, then that's their opinion. In the end, people are still going to have a fabulous time at the wedding and are going to be treated wonderfully.

grumbledore · September 2013

lfk2013 said:

moemacWed30594 said:

First off tradition is not the same as etiquette, however, etiquette is the same for everyone.

Defintion of etiquette- the conduct or procedure required by authority to be observed in social or official life.

Who is the "authority?" A group of men and women in the early to mid 1900's? Something stemming from 100-year old traditions that someone one day decided was the law of the land? Who's to say that modern-day traditions can one day be considered etiquette?

I do understand that etiquette is important (I was raised in a Southern household) and some things have fallen by the wayside, but in many ways, life today is completely different. Those books and things the "authority" created don't always stand up in today's society unless one believes all women should go back to serving their husbands, stay home, and not do anything except pop out babies and clean.

As for me, I like mixing new and old. If someone says that I am ridiculous for having a "honeymoon registry (TAKE A SHOT!)" or having a website or having things more modern or using labels for addressing the invitations or even getting married on a Sunday, then that's their opinion. In the end, people are still going to have a fabulous time at the wedding and are going to be treated wonderfully.

In this instance, I would say that the "authority" is the consensus of what is generally considered to be polite and what is not.

Salsera29 · September 2013

mustbedreaming said:

@simplykayla - have you thought of a honeymoon registry? FI and I are going to do a honeymoon registry (just for activities or dinners, not the flight/hotel) in addition to our two more traditional registries. I'm sure some people think they're tacky, but I think it's generally accepted nowadays.

Anyway, the one we're using is wanderable.com. You make a free page and then create "gifts" for your guests to give you. For example, if you wanted to go ziplining, you would look up the cost of ziplining in the area and create a gift titled "zipline fun!" or something. The total cost will show but guests can give an amount of their choosing that goes toward the total cost.

lfk2013 said:

moemacWed30594 said:

First off tradition is not the same as etiquette, however, etiquette is the same for everyone.

Defintion of etiquette- the conduct or procedure required by authority to be observed in social or official life.

Who is the "authority?" A group of men and women in the early to mid 1900's? Something stemming from 100-year old traditions that someone one day decided was the law of the land? Who's to say that modern-day traditions can one day be considered etiquette?

I do understand that etiquette is important (I was raised in a Southern household) and some things have fallen by the wayside, but in many ways, life today is completely different. Those books and things the "authority" created don't always stand up in today's society unless one believes all women should go back to serving their husbands, stay home, and not do anything except pop out babies and clean.

As for me, I like mixing new and old. If someone says that I am ridiculous for having a "honeymoon registry (TAKE A SHOT!)" or having a website or having things more modern or using labels for addressing the invitations or even getting married on a Sunday, then that's their opinion. In the end, people are still going to have a fabulous time at the wedding and are going to be treated wonderfully.

FFS asking people for money IS NOT comparable to using address labels or getting married on a Sunday!!

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