Dinner after small wedding

misshart00 · September 2013

Melinda232 said:

AroundTheBlock said:

Melinda232 said:

They did not mean it to be rude. They were "joking" about the offended part (they would never truly be offended) but they were serious about being there to support us. Many of them know we have been through a lot and have stayed together and fought for this family.

And really, whom would you most wish to please: Dear real-life friends who tell you that they truly want to be there to support you, or strangers on the internet who tell you that it would be rude for you to be welcoming to that offer of support? Your answer, I hope, is "C) Neither of the above." Your natural first wish will be to please your husband-to-be. If he and you truly wish a private ceremony with just your children present, then you need only thank your friends for their support, and explain that a private ceremony is what you want, and they will understand and support you from a distance. But if you do not have a strong preference, and you trust your friends to mean what they have said, then go ahead and make them welcome.

For a small informal wedding, traditional etiquette recommends that invitations be in the form of a hand-written note on a small fold-over note card. (These cards are called "informals" and the nicest ones are plain white with your name engraved on them; but if you don't have personalized stationery there are many pretty note-cards available in bookstores and card-shops). Since it's a hand-written note, you do not have to come up with a formal wording, but can just write what you mean and adjust the wording to each person according to how well you know them. For example, you might write:

Dear Anne,

You mentioned that you would like to be present when Tom and I are married. Tom and I truly appreciate your support, and if you would like to come, the ceremony will be in Smallville at the Victoria Park grandstand, on 13 October at three o'clock. Afterwards, Tom and I will be taking the children out to dinner at Maisie's Bar and Grill. There are a couple of other nice restaurants in Smallville, but Maisie's has plenty of seating so if you were to choose to have your dinner there too we will toast your friendship from our table.

Love, Melinda

You are the one who knows your friends the best. If you judge that it will be more of a burden on them to be shut out of your private event, than to drive three hours and buy their own supper, then make your decision based on that judgement: don't shirk the decision to an internet board.

Thank you, When I asked the question, I did not realize everyone was going to be so judgmental and rude to me. This is not about money as many of you have assumed.... We simply did not think that friends were going to want to drive the 3 hours (some still are not sure they will) but others want to be there to support us regardless. I have had talks with all of them about not doing the reception and going to dinner. They were fine with that. Again they for want to just be there for us. And because of the location, there are many other things for everyone to do after dinner.....if they want to hang out with us they can, if they want to go explore, then that's fine too.

All I was looking for was how to present this on paper and you are the only one that gave me a great idea, everyone else is just judging. So thank you @Aroundtheblock

I will however be deleting my account from this place. I do not wish to be around people who have forgotten what a wedding really is (family, love and support) and are only interested in what everyone else thinks and judging others.

If it's not about the money, why don't you just pay for their dinner?

southernbelle0915 · September 2013

Melinda232 said:

AroundTheBlock said:

Melinda232 said:

They did not mean it to be rude. They were "joking" about the offended part (they would never truly be offended) but they were serious about being there to support us. Many of them know we have been through a lot and have stayed together and fought for this family.

And really, whom would you most wish to please: Dear real-life friends who tell you that they truly want to be there to support you, or strangers on the internet who tell you that it would be rude for you to be welcoming to that offer of support? Your answer, I hope, is "C) Neither of the above." Your natural first wish will be to please your husband-to-be. If he and you truly wish a private ceremony with just your children present, then you need only thank your friends for their support, and explain that a private ceremony is what you want, and they will understand and support you from a distance. But if you do not have a strong preference, and you trust your friends to mean what they have said, then go ahead and make them welcome.

For a small informal wedding, traditional etiquette recommends that invitations be in the form of a hand-written note on a small fold-over note card. (These cards are called "informals" and the nicest ones are plain white with your name engraved on them; but if you don't have personalized stationery there are many pretty note-cards available in bookstores and card-shops). Since it's a hand-written note, you do not have to come up with a formal wording, but can just write what you mean and adjust the wording to each person according to how well you know them. For example, you might write:

Dear Anne,

You mentioned that you would like to be present when Tom and I are married. Tom and I truly appreciate your support, and if you would like to come, the ceremony will be in Smallville at the Victoria Park grandstand, on 13 October at three o'clock. Afterwards, Tom and I will be taking the children out to dinner at Maisie's Bar and Grill. There are a couple of other nice restaurants in Smallville, but Maisie's has plenty of seating so if you were to choose to have your dinner there too we will toast your friendship from our table.

Love, Melinda

You are the one who knows your friends the best. If you judge that it will be more of a burden on them to be shut out of your private event, than to drive three hours and buy their own supper, then make your decision based on that judgement: don't shirk the decision to an internet board.

Thank you, When I asked the question, I did not realize everyone was going to be so judgmental and rude to me. This is not about money as many of you have assumed.... If it's not to save money, then why on earth aren't you planning to properly host these people?! We simply did not think that friends were going to want to drive the 3 hours (some still are not sure they will) but others want to be there to support us regardless. Well obviously they do and you have agreed to invite them, so now the proper thing to do (etiquette wise - you did post on the etiquette board) is to "receive" them by hosting them at your reception. I have had talks with all of them about not doing the reception and going to dinner. They were fine with that. You: "so we're not planning to properly host you after the ceremony. You can come to the restaurant if you want, but we're not going to pay for you. Is that cool?" Friends: "uhhh, sure...?" Again they for want to just be there for us. The proper thing to do if you agree to invite them to be there for you is to host them. And because of the location, there are many other things for everyone to do after dinner.....if they want to hang out with us they can, but you're not planning to pay for them.... yet money isn't an issue?? if they want to go explore, then that's fine too.

All I was looking for was how to present this on paper and you are the only one that gave me a great idea, everyone else is just judging. No one is judging. You're on the etiquette board, so no one is going to tell you how to be rude (except Aroundtheblock who, conveniently for you, is the only person you want to listen to). People are telling you that if you agree to invite people to your ceremony, it's bad etiquette if you don't host them. Period. So thank you @Aroundtheblock

I will however be deleting my account from this place. I do not wish to be around people who have forgotten what a wedding really is (family, love and support) and are only interested in what everyone else thinks and judging others.

No one was rude to you. You posted on the etiquette board, so you're going to get good advice on how to properly host. Proper hosting means receiving guests who attend your ceremony. You have made a decision not to do that - which is against etiquette.

It blows my mind that people who give you GOOD etiquette advice on the etiquette board are considered rude and judgmental, but someone who give you bad etiquette advice (yet promotes your original plan) isn't rude? It makes no sense. If all you wanted was validation of your idea, why did you post on the etiquette board. I thought people who posted on the etiquette board wanted to follow proper etiquette... I guess not.

misshart00 · September 2013

southernbelle0915 said:

Melinda232 said:

AroundTheBlock said:

Melinda232 said:

They did not mean it to be rude. They were "joking" about the offended part (they would never truly be offended) but they were serious about being there to support us. Many of them know we have been through a lot and have stayed together and fought for this family.

And really, whom would you most wish to please: Dear real-life friends who tell you that they truly want to be there to support you, or strangers on the internet who tell you that it would be rude for you to be welcoming to that offer of support? Your answer, I hope, is "C) Neither of the above." Your natural first wish will be to please your husband-to-be. If he and you truly wish a private ceremony with just your children present, then you need only thank your friends for their support, and explain that a private ceremony is what you want, and they will understand and support you from a distance. But if you do not have a strong preference, and you trust your friends to mean what they have said, then go ahead and make them welcome.

For a small informal wedding, traditional etiquette recommends that invitations be in the form of a hand-written note on a small fold-over note card. (These cards are called "informals" and the nicest ones are plain white with your name engraved on them; but if you don't have personalized stationery there are many pretty note-cards available in bookstores and card-shops). Since it's a hand-written note, you do not have to come up with a formal wording, but can just write what you mean and adjust the wording to each person according to how well you know them. For example, you might write:

Dear Anne,

You mentioned that you would like to be present when Tom and I are married. Tom and I truly appreciate your support, and if you would like to come, the ceremony will be in Smallville at the Victoria Park grandstand, on 13 October at three o'clock. Afterwards, Tom and I will be taking the children out to dinner at Maisie's Bar and Grill. There are a couple of other nice restaurants in Smallville, but Maisie's has plenty of seating so if you were to choose to have your dinner there too we will toast your friendship from our table.

Love, Melinda

You are the one who knows your friends the best. If you judge that it will be more of a burden on them to be shut out of your private event, than to drive three hours and buy their own supper, then make your decision based on that judgement: don't shirk the decision to an internet board.

Thank you, When I asked the question, I did not realize everyone was going to be so judgmental and rude to me. This is not about money as many of you have assumed.... If it's not to save money, then why on earth aren't you planning to properly host these people?! We simply did not think that friends were going to want to drive the 3 hours (some still are not sure they will) but others want to be there to support us regardless. Well obviously they do and you have agreed to invite them, so now the proper thing to do (etiquette wise - you did post on the etiquette board) is to "receive" them by hosting them at your reception. I have had talks with all of them about not doing the reception and going to dinner. They were fine with that. You: "so we're not planning to properly host you after the ceremony. You can come to the restaurant if you want, but we're not going to pay for you. Is that cool?" Friends: "uhhh, sure...?" Again they for want to just be there for us. The proper thing to do if you agree to invite them to be there for you is to host them. And because of the location, there are many other things for everyone to do after dinner.....if they want to hang out with us they can, but you're not planning to pay for them.... yet money isn't an issue?? if they want to go explore, then that's fine too.

All I was looking for was how to present this on paper and you are the only one that gave me a great idea, everyone else is just judging. No one is judging. You're on the etiquette board, so no one is going to tell you how to be rude (except Aroundtheblock who, conveniently for you, is the only person you want to listen to). People are telling you that if you agree to invite people to your ceremony, it's bad etiquette if you don't host them. Period. So thank you @Aroundtheblock

I will however be deleting my account from this place. I do not wish to be around people who have forgotten what a wedding really is (family, love and support) and are only interested in what everyone else thinks and judging others.

No one was rude to you. You posted on the etiquette board, so you're going to get good advice on how to properly host. Proper hosting means receiving guests who attend your ceremony. You have made a decision not to do that - which is against etiquette.

It blows my mind that people who give you GOOD etiquette advice on the etiquette board are considered rude and judgmental, but someone who give you bad etiquette advice (yet promotes your original plan) isn't rude? It makes no sense. If all you wanted was validation of your idea, why did you post on the etiquette board. I thought people who posted on the etiquette board wanted to follow proper etiquette... I guess not.

All of this. Plus, she asked how to do it without being tacky or rude. Everyone told her except aroundtheblock.

Maggie0829 · September 2013

OliveOilsMom said:

To the bolded, just no! That is terrible! Invite them to the wedding and then follow us to the place where we will be eating. You can get your own table and we will toast you from our own table while you are sitting across the room far away from us? WTF?

OP - either invite them and host their dinner or don't invite them and tell them you are happy for their support, but you wish for the day to be private with just your children in attendance.

The bolded 100%. You have two choices and OliveOilsMom spelled them both out very clearly. Pick one.

JoanE2012 · September 2013

OP - No one here is going to validate a poor idea. Everyone here, with the exception of one, has told you it's not a good idea. You should really heed that advice. See, the thing is, we have absolutely no vested interest in your wedding. We're going to tell you what's right and what's wrong. Those close to you may be afraid of hurting your feelings....they may not be as honest.

I couldn't imagine inviting some friends because they wanted to come but then not other friends or family just because they didn't nag me for an invite. Imagine how hurt they will be when they find out other friends of yours were there and it wasn't a truly private ceremony but they weren't given the opportunity to be there.

I further couldn't imagine having some friends travel 3 hours to see me get married but then tell them they have to fend for themself for dinner. You said money is not an issue. So why not host them properly? Even if they say it's no big deal......don't you even feel the slightest bit bad that you're not inviting them to dinner after they drove 3 hours? That's really inconsiderate.

So the two PROPER options are: 1) Invite them (though you should really consider inviting other friends and family too if it's no longer private) and pay for their dinner afterwards. Or 2) Keep the ceremony private and have a little get together at a later date. There's NOTHING wrong with just having a get together later.

OliveOilsMom · September 2013

@Melinda232 What I think you are not understanding is what the definition of a reception is. A reception is when you receive your guests for the first time as H&W after your ceremony. This can be as simple as cake & punch afterwards or as extravegent as you want it be with 5 hour open bar, full band, plated sit down dinner, etc. Your dinner after your ceremony is your reception in this case. And it is considered rude to invite someone to your reception and ask them to pay their own way.

You were not called rude, it was stated that your plan was rude. Big difference. And no one here was judgmental, you were simply told what was proper etiquette.

Viczaesar · September 2013

AroundTheBlock said:

Melinda232 said:

They did not mean it to be rude. They were "joking" about the offended part (they would never truly be offended) but they were serious about being there to support us. Many of them know we have been through a lot and have stayed together and fought for this family.

And really, whom would you most wish to please: Dear real-life friends who tell you that they truly want to be there to support you, or strangers on the internet who tell you that it would be rude for you to be welcoming to that offer of support? Your answer, I hope, is "C) Neither of the above." Your natural first wish will be to please your husband-to-be. If he and you truly wish a private ceremony with just your children present, then you need only thank your friends for their support, and explain that a private ceremony is what you want, and they will understand and support you from a distance. But if you do not have a strong preference, and you trust your friends to mean what they have said, then go ahead and make them welcome.

For a small informal wedding, traditional etiquette recommends that invitations be in the form of a hand-written note on a small fold-over note card. (These cards are called "informals" and the nicest ones are plain white with your name engraved on them; but if you don't have personalized stationery there are many pretty note-cards available in bookstores and card-shops). Since it's a hand-written note, you do not have to come up with a formal wording, but can just write what you mean and adjust the wording to each person according to how well you know them. For example, you might write:

Dear Anne,

You mentioned that you would like to be present when Tom and I are married. Tom and I truly appreciate your support, and if you would like to come, the ceremony will be in Smallville at the Victoria Park grandstand, on 13 October at three o'clock. Afterwards, Tom and I will be taking the children out to dinner at Maisie's Bar and Grill. There are a couple of other nice restaurants in Smallville, but Maisie's has plenty of seating so if you were to choose to have your dinner there too we will toast your friendship from our table.

Love, Melinda

You are the one who knows your friends the best. If you judge that it will be more of a burden on them to be shut out of your private event, than to drive three hours and buy their own supper, then make your decision based on that judgement: don't shirk the decision to an internet board.

This is horrible advice.

OpenHeart0117 · September 2013

"How do I state on the invitiations that they are welcome to join us for the ceremony & dinner, but we are not paying for everyone's dinner (without sounding tacky or rude) ?

The reason you came here to ask this question is because it is tacky & rude and deep down inside you know it or YOU wouldn't have used those words. You just came on here looking for ANYONE- just one, to give you license to be tacky & rude. If it wasn't rude, why would ANYONE ever host a reception ? What I have learned from this last year and a half of wedding planning for 150 people is that the " food & bar " is what makes weddings-especially really nice ones-expensive & sometimes out of reach for many people. Unless you are talking about a small number of people. Many people just don't want to spend that kind of money for one day & I get that. What you have presented though, seems like a very NOMINAL amount of people, so why wouldn't you just host them, if money is not an "issue" ? How much money are you really talking about here ? You were the one initially concerned with being "rude or tacky" but honestly based on your responses, its obvious you don't really care. LOL

Dinner after small wedding

Re: Dinner after small wedding

Choose Another Board

Search Boards