What DID you learn, anyway?

CLoGreenEyes · September 2013

So, I'm scared to post this thread due to some of the crazy conversations we've had recently, but what the heck. Lots of folks have spoken up in support of living with an SO before marriage and/or living by yourself before living with a partner. So I have some questions about that:

1) What did you learn about yourself by living alone and/or with an SO? What effect has that had on your current living situation/relationship/life in general?

2) How necessary do you feel it was for you, NOT everybody in general, to live alone? Live with an SO?

3) Any negatives to living alone or with an SO? (Beyond the finances of it, I mean - we all know life is expensive.)

4) Does living in a dorm room or having roommates other than an SO count as "living alone"? Why or why not?

Swazzle · September 2013

1) What did you learn about yourself by living alone and/or with an SO? What effect has that had on your current living situation/relationship/life in general?

I learned how to start taking care of myself. Granted, I am talking about my time living in the dorms in college so I didn't have rent and utilities per se, but I grew up a lot in those years especially having gone to college in NYC. I had like 1 chore a week and my parents did my laundry when I lived at home (I was very spoiled). It was a little slap in the face at the very beginning. H and I moved in together very quickly. I had graduated college and started my first full-time job just a few months before so it was kind of a lot to get used to all at once but we didn't have any major issues at all.

2) How necessary do you feel it was for you, NOT everybody in general, to live alone? Live with an SO?

I could not marry someone without having lived with them first. For me, moving in together is a huge step not to be taken lightly. Marriage is obviously an even bigger step than that. I want to make sure I can happily live with someone before I agree to do that every day for the rest of my life.

3) Any negatives to living alone or with an SO? (Beyond the finances of it, I mean - we all know life is expensive.)

None that I can think of.

4) Does living in a dorm room or having roommates other than an SO count as "living alone"? Why or why not?

I think it does but of course I could be biased because that was my experience.

ETA: Just wanted to add that it would have been nice to have had a period of time where I lived in an apartment alone or with roommates. My life just didn't happen that way, though, and I'm totally ok with that. I went straight to college from high school where I lived in the dorms, then I graduated and lived at my aunt's when I first started my job, after 3 months I got my own place but H moved in almost immediately because that's just where we both were in our relationship and its what was right for us at the time.

CLoGreenEyes · September 2013

To answer my own questions, since I'm being so nosy:

1) What did you learn about yourself by living alone and/or with an SO? What effect has that had on your current living situation/relationship/life in general?

My "living alone" would be the years I lived on campus in university. I learned how I operate best as far as getting chores done, how often I like to cook vs. go out or order in, how clean I want things (um, very), and how much noise and excitement and company I can deal with at any given time. The only effect that has had on my life so far is making it much more difficult to move back in with family, lol. I'm definitely not as flexible as I used to be, that's for sure.

2) How necessary do you feel it was for you, NOT everybody in general, to live alone? Live with an SO?

To live alone: I used to think it was super-super-important. However, when I used to house-sit for some neighbors semi-regularly, being by myself at night scared the ever-loving crap out of me. So I would have to think about that before doing it again. However, during the daytime hours, I loved my independence.

To live with an SO: I feel no burning need to. I think BF's and my families would side-eye it due to religious reasons, which would be a downside to it (not an excuse, but a downside nonetheless). If we had been dating for only a year or two before getting engaged/married, then it might have been more important to me. As it is, though, we will be around six years by that point, and we have spent soooooo much time seeing how the other person lives, keeps their space, etc., that it doesn't seem incredibly necessary to me.

3) Any negatives to living alone or with an SO? (Beyond the finances of it, I mean - we all know life is expensive.)

Living alone: I don't like to be alone. I get scared. (My mom let me watch way too many episodes of America's Most Wanted when I was a young'n.)

Living with an SO: I have a certain way I like things done, and it scares me to give that up. Haha, I can be such a brat when I put my mind to it.

4) Does living in a dorm room or having roommates other than an SO count as "living alone"? Why or why not?

Ehhhhhhhhh...I don't know. I feel like you are not responsible for certain things in college that you would otherwise be responsible for. I feel like as long as you are supporting yourself in the effort and learning to negotiate with whomever you're living with, that is a good experience.

KeptInStitches · September 2013

1) Living with BF wasn't an ideal situation. I moved into his place for just a few months, so it was more like I camped there. I don't know that I learned much about myself other than I needed to have my own space - and not just physical space, but a part of the place that felt like mine. It put some strain on our relationship. Living on my own has been pretty damn awesome, if I do say so myself. My apartment might not be perfect, but it is a space that is "mine" insofar as any rental is mine.

2) I think it's crucial. As BF and I are looking for a townhome or condo together, we're learning things like what we do and do not agree on in a living space. Things like chores we've already sorted out because we're at each other's places so often right now, and we've agreed how bills will be handled in all scenarios.

3) Can't think of any. I mean, right now we've been together for almost 5 years and we know that we would each support the other and in the worst case scenario would make sure no one ended up on the street in the event of a messy breakup.

4) Not living in a dorm. You're still supported in that you have meals (typically a board contract) and someone comes to clean your bathroom. Roommates, yes, you've lived on your own, but not in a dorm.

Blackbird230 · September 2013

Amapola14 said:

So, I'm scared to post this thread due to some of the crazy conversations we've had recently, but what the heck. Lots of folks have spoken up in support of living with an SO before marriage and/or living by yourself before living with a partner. So I have some questions about that:

1) What did you learn about yourself by living alone and/or with an SO? What effect has that had on your current living situation/relationship/life in general?
2) How necessary do you feel it was for you, NOT everybody in general, to live alone? Live with an SO?
3) Any negatives to living alone or with an SO? (Beyond the finances of it, I mean - we all know life is expensive.)
4) Does living in a dorm room or having roommates other than an SO count as "living alone"? Why or why not?

1. For starters, I did 3 years in dorm/apartment styled college living and now I'm in an apartment with two roommates. Both of which are never around so it's like living alone all of the time. I learned I hate dishes and I'll put off laundry, but give me a dishwasher and I'll do wonders. My current living situation has been just ok with my BF. He still lives at home so he's glad when he can come up and have sexy times. However, it's tough living with roommates and wanting not to be too loud or when my roommate decides to invite my ex to an apartment party.

2. It's good to know how to live alone and support yourself, but it's also important for me at least to know I can live with my BF and be ok. We house sat for my best friend's place for a week and she let us stay there and we had kind of a practice run on what it would be like to live together and it worked out quite well.

3. Drawing a line for personal time. You don't always have to be at each others' hips all the time and sometimes that's hard to figure out especially when like me, you live an hour+ away from your SO before moving in.

4. It can. It really depends on the situation. A full 30+ person dorm? Not so much. That's a babystep. A small apartment with a kitchen and such with 1-4 roommates? More so.

Other: BF and I are probably moving in together in the spring before/or around time of possible engagement depending on lots of things such as jobs and location.

bethsmiles · September 2013

I've never lived with BF so I can't really speak to what it's like to live with a SO. I've lived by myself and with roommates though.

Living by myself has just in general made me more of an independent person but I think that also comes from being in my early 20s and moving away from my hometown. I feel like I make my life choices much more independently now and that's something I really enjoy.

I do think everyone should live by themselves at some point. At this point in my life I feel more than ready to move in with BF (but that is a ways off) and stop living by myself. But if I had moved from my parents house straight to living with BF I don't think I would've gained that sense of independence that I got from living alone.

I've also done the living with roommates thing and all I have to say about that is much prefer living alone.

CLoGreenEyes · September 2013

Kait said:

3. Drawing a line for personal time. You don't always have to be at each others' hips all the time and sometimes that's hard to figure out especially when like me, you live an hour+ away from your SO before moving in.

@Kait, that's definitely a big one. During the first couple years of our relationship, I didn't know anything about this alone time business. I loved being with BF and absolutely relished the times we could spend a whole night in the same place! Now that we've gone on vacation a couple of times and have spent more time with each other each week, I get it now.

I also second @keptinstitches' statement that you need a space of your own to do with as you please. I think that is what concerns me the most about the possibility of us being his grandfather's caregivers and moving into his house. Even if I do get my own nook somewhere in the house, there would be limitations on what I could do with it, and that bothers me (even though it would probably just become a nice little Knotting and reading corner).

phira · September 2013

I think this is a great thread.

1) What did you learn about yourself by living alone and/or with an SO? What effect has that had on your current living situation/relationship/life in general?

When I was living on my own (with roommates), I learned that I would get really annoyed when there was no understanding about cleaning the apartment. I would fall into the same routine with all my roommates: no one would clean, and then everyone would put off cleaning because everyone knew no one else would clean. I sort of hated that about myself, since I couldn't hold myself to the same standards I expected from my roommates.

When I moved in with my partner, I didn't magically change my ways. I'm still a frickin slob. He's a different kind of messy person, which is good in some ways and not in others. But what I've learned is that it's much easier to not get upset about the mess when we can talk about it. My partner is understanding when I'm too exhausted to put away the clothes, and I'm understanding when his OCD prevents him from cleaning the bathroom.

2) How necessary do you feel it was for you, NOT everybody in general, to live alone? Live with an SO?

VERY necessary. My partner is on top of his shit with a lot of financial stuff. If I hadn't lived alone first, I wouldn't ever have had a chance to learn to pay my own bills. In general, there's a level of independence I know I can achieve that I wouldn't have known about if I had gone straight to living with a partner (and older, male partner, specifically).

Somewhat unrelated--I'm estranged from my father, and have been since my late teens. Since my father is wealthy, my siblings sometimes use him as a safety net, and that's not available to me. The estrangement taught me that I didn't NEED him or his money. It wasn't a happy realization, but it was something that helped me survive.

Living alone before living with my partner is kind of like that. I don't feel trapped with my partner--I know I could survive on my own if I needed to.

3) Any negatives to living alone or with an SO? (Beyond the finances of it, I mean - we all know life is expensive.)

Living alone sucked because the apartment wasn't MINE--it was mine + 1, 2, or 3 other people. It meant that if someone else made a mess, I'd be a naggy roommate if I asked them to clean up--even worse, I felt like if I hadn't recently Monica Geller'ed the apartment, I couldn't really complain. Finances were difficult because it was awkward reminding roommates that people owed other people money.

The thing I like the least about living with my partner is that he has some quirks I have to live with, things that wouldn't affect me if I were just his roommate. He doesn't eat leftovers, but we cook together, so it's not useful for me to make food for me to eat as leftovers. (TMIIIII) He sweats a LOT when he sleeps so we have to wash our comforter (and cover and mattress cover) way too often. Stuff like that.

4) Does living in a dorm room or having roommates other than an SO count as "living alone"? Why or why not?

There's a difference between living with roommates and truly living alone. My partner lived alone before we moved in together and LOVED it. He was a little lonely, but it was wonderful coming home and knowing everything would be in the same place. However, living with roommates is nothing like living with a partner. I love living with my partner, and it's so much different than living with roommates. It's OUR apartment, OUR home. We hang out in the living room, not in individual bedrooms. We share groceries (in the past, roommates would eat all my food and not buy anything I wanted to eat, and I was bleeding money, so I didn't share groceries). It's entirely different.

Since it's often not financially feasible for a lot of people to live completely on their own, I consider living with roommates to be "living alone" in terms of compared to living at home or with a partner. I never would have been able to afford my own apartment when I was single--roommates were as close as I'd get.

Finally, living in a dorm isn't like living on your own, at least in my experience living in dorms. You don't have electric/heat/cable bills, and traditional dorms don't have kitchens or bathrooms.

doeydo · September 2013

Amapola14 said:

So, I'm scared to post this thread due to some of the crazy conversations we've had recently, but what the heck. Lots of folks have spoken up in support of living with an SO before marriage and/or living by yourself before living with a partner. So I have some questions about that:

1) What did you learn about yourself by living alone and/or with an SO? What effect has that had on your current living situation/relationship/life in general? I currently live with my FI and we were living together for a few months before getting engaged. I have never lived alone. For the first little bit it was okay and once we "got into the swing of things" it was/is great. I read somewhere that it's like "having a sleepover with your best friend every night" . We feel closer than ever. That said, we do take time for ourselves/separate lives because for a healthy life, you can't just rely on one relationship. For instance, I like to go somewhere quiet to read for a while or talk on the phone to my mom and he likes to go see 'the guys' sometimes.
2) How necessary do you feel it was for you, NOT everybody in general, to live alone? Live with an SO? My FI and I decided to move in together because we were in the stage of our relationship in which ready to do it. It also made sense financially et cetera. About living alone, I have anxiety, PTSD, and other issues that make me wary of ever wanting to live all alone.
3) Any negatives to living alone or with an SO? (Beyond the finances of it, I mean - we all know life is expensive.) None that I can think of, aside from the fact that it might take some getting used to and everyone, including your grandparents, assume that you're no longer a virgin and might think that you are "living in sin" but whatever.
4) Does living in a dorm room or having roommates other than an SO count as "living alone"? Why or why not? I think living in a dorm is living alone but having roommates isn't truly living alone. To me, living alone (to me) means not having your family or friends in the other room every night or to split the bills with, in addition to other things.

loves2shop4shoes · September 2013

1) What did you learn about yourself by living alone and/or with an SO? What effect has that had on your current living situation/relationship/life in general?

I lived on my own for two years in college (not in a dorm room, in an apartment). During that time, I learned how to budget. How to pay bills and be financially responsible. I learned how to take care of my house and be responsible for ALL the chores.

2) How necessary do you feel it was for you, NOT everybody in general, to live alone? Live with an SO?

It was necessary to live on my own. You learn so much about yourself in that time. For me personally, I learned the MOST about managing finances. I was never raised to worry about money. I was not raised to budget or be financially responsible. So that was a HUGE thing I needed to learn.

As far as living together, I wanted to live with Mr. Shoes because it was the next logical step. We spent every night together anyway, so paying two rents was stupid. I also wanted to make that next step of commitment before getting engaged.

3) Any negatives to living alone or with an SO? (Beyond the finances of it, I mean - we all know life is expensive.)

Negatives to living with Mr. Shoes: He leaves the toilet seat up. When you live together, you can't go home when you're having a fight...because he LIVES there. So you have to be a grown up and resolve conflict, instead of retreating (which I used to do.)

4) Does living in a dorm room or having roommates other than an SO count as "living alone"? Why or why not?

I think living with roommates counts, especially if they're random roommates. Then it REALLY feels like you're on your own. Living in a dorm room counts less so...since there's no utilities and you have an RA to guide you.

buddysmom80 · September 2013

1) What did you learn about yourself by living alone and/or with an SO? What effect has that had on your current living situation/relationship/life in general? I lived by myself in an apartment for a year until my ex-bf moved in. Then after he left, I lived on my own again before moving in with current BF. I learned that I have to do all the chores when I live alone. I learned that living with a SO who wants to help, it's hard to lose that control of someone else wanting to help with chores that you like done a certain way.

2) How necessary do you feel it was for you, NOT everybody in general, to live alone? Live with an SO? Living alone was great. It made me really count every penny and enjoy my time alone. True story, three months before BF and I moved in together, my life was in boxes and I just didn't give two shits about cooking, I ate lean pockets for dinner the whole time because I KNEW I had to start cooking meals and shit once we moved in together. Moving in with my BF was a HUGE step in our relationship. I couldn't imagine getting married and moving in together. We've lived together for a year and are still working out the kinks, but it's mostly my issues with me liking things a certain way.

3) Any negatives to living alone or with an SO? (Beyond the finances of it, I mean - we all know life is expensive.) Not that I can think of. He is probably the best roommate ever.

4) Does living in a dorm room or having roommates other than an SO count as "living alone"? Why or why not? I think that if you're living on your own and not under your parent's roof and paying bills then, yes, you're living on your own. I do care if you have 100000 roommates or live by yourself, you're having that moment in your life where you're independent and doing shit like an adult.

[Deleted User] · September 2013

1) What did you learn about yourself by living alone and/or with an SO? What effect has that had on your current living situation/relationship/life in general?

I learned a lot when living by myself or with other roommates (other than my FI). I learned how to be independent and how to support myself before joining with my FI and combining our assets. I also learned that I'm a neat freak and that some girls are really messy. It hasn't had much of an effect on our current living situation. We discussed not living together before marriage but once I moved home...it was just natural to move on in with FI. We love living together...I guess the only thing I've noticed is that we do dishes and laundry a lot more than when we were living on our own.

2) How necessary do you feel it was for you, NOT everybody in general, to live alone? Live with an SO?

We felt it was very necessary to live alone before we lived together. Both of us needed to learn how it felt to support yourself and live alone before we joined together so we know how we live w/o having a roommate. Once we knew that, we knew how to explain to each other what our living styles are like.

3) Any negatives to living alone or with an SO? (Beyond the finances of it, I mean - we all know life is expensive.)

Living alone can be pretty lonely. I did it for a year w/o a roommate and I was very lonely during the week.

4) Does living in a dorm room or having roommates other than an SO count as "living alone"? Why or why not?

I don't know really how to answer this question b/c living by yourself vs. with roommates I think is very different but you're still supporting yourself but maybe with different responsibilities when you're with a roommate. For example if you're living with someone you might have split rent or bills or you may split the chores...it all depends but when you're alone you have all that for yourself.

labro · September 2013

1) What did you learn about yourself by living alone and/or with an SO? What effect has that had on your current living situation/relationship/life in general?

As far as living on my own (by myself, in an apartment, not in a dorm or with roommates)...I learned a lot about being responsible for myself ie keeping things clean, doing laundry consistently, planning grocery shopping trips. I also really learned how much I enjoyed being able to make my own schedule and not having to work around what someone else wanted to do. My SO worked the evening shift until recently so for the past two and half years I've had every weekday evening as personal me time. Living with an SO has also taught me a lot. When I lived with my ex and subsequently broke up with him I learned a lot about things I never wanted to tolerate in another person again...his lack of cleanliness was a big one.

2) How necessary do you feel it was for you, NOT everybody in general, to live alone? Live with an SO?

Extremely necessary! It was important to me to live completely on my own for awhile before living with my SO...but a lot of that had to do with all of the shit I was working out of my system thanks to my ex. Once I had gotten that completely alone and independant experience it was very important to both of us that we live together before marriage to make sure we were absolutely compatible. Living together has taught us a lot about compromise and teamwork.

3) Any negatives to living alone or with an SO? (Beyond the finances of it, I mean - we all know life is expensive.)

I don't think there are negatives to either. Both situations are valuable learning experiences IMO.

4) Does living in a dorm room or having roommates other than an SO count as "living alone"? Why or why not?

Based on my life experience, living in a dorm room doesn't "count" as living alone...living with roommates sort of counts...but not really. When I lived in a dorm it was a single room with two people, two beds, two desks, and two closets. It was impossible to cook for y ourself consistently or learn how to manage a normal sized living space. When I lived with roommates I always found it difficult because I think I had a hard time getting people to help keep common areas clean, collect money for rent and utlities, etc. It was really annoying. I took away a lot more about who I am as a person by living on my own.

[Deleted User] · September 2013

1) What did you learn about yourself by living alone and/or with an SO? What effect has that had on your current living situation/relationship/life in general?
I went straight from living with my family to living with my H. there may have been a few small roadbumps, but I don't think the transition was as awful and crazy as others made it out to be... perhaps because I was expecting it to be tough. anyway, I love living with my H as opposed to living with my family: I am the queen of this home and it ROCKS.

2) How necessary do you feel it was for you, NOT everybody in general, to live alone? Live with an SO?
I would have liked to have lived alone in theory, but it made more sense financially for me to just wait and move in with H after the wedding (a few more months of living with my fam), instead of paying 2 rents/mortgages. in the long-term, it was no big thang.
H and I didn't live together until marriage, so obvs it wasn't a deal-breaker for me to live with him beforehand.

3) Any negatives to living alone or with an SO? (Beyond the finances of it, I mean - we all know life is expensive.)
negatives? you have to learn another person's habits and how to deal with them. like when we first got married, H had a "sock mountain": every night he would strip off his socks and add them to a growing mountain of socks next to the bed. he doesn't do that anymore; he'll usually put them in the hamper now (maybe 75% of the time).
my H will leave a trail through the house: dishes in the sink instead of in the dishwasher, shirts he strips off as he walks to the bedroom, socks on the floor, his watch on the kitchen bar, leaves a cabinet open, leaves a jar of salsa on the table after dinner, etc. he doesn't realize he's doing it and he doesn't really notice it. it's absolutely not on purpose. some of the time I'll just clean it up behind him, sometimes I'll mention it. it used to drive me crazy but mostly I don't care anymore. if I ask, he'll clean it up.
oh! the best part of living with H is that I never have to clean a toilet in my house again! he hates laundry, I hate toilets: so I do all the laundry and he does all the toilets. it's great!!

4) Does living in a dorm room or having roommates other than an SO count as "living alone"? Why or why not?
I don't really have an opinion on this.

ETA: before we married, H had been out of his mom's house (and out of state) for 5 years. he'd lived in dorms, with roommates in a house, and by himself. it was HARDER for him to adjust to living with someone than it was for me, because he'd gotten in the habit of being really messy and not cleaning things (just being honest!) it was a total, stereotypical bach pad type scenario... I whipped him into shape in just a couple weeks.

he is a MUCH MUCH MUCH cleaner person now, and he can not even imagine how he used to be such a mess. I think he just needed some "motivation".

Peaseblossom55 · September 2013

1) What did you learn about yourself by living alone and/or with an SO? What effect has that had on your current living situation/relationship/life in general?

I learned by living alone how to take care of myself and my home without have to rely on anyone financially or in any other way. I learned to enjoy being able to do things how I wanted,

and if the place was clean or messy it was my fault

2) How necessary do you feel it was for you, NOT everybody in general, to live alone? Live with an SO?

I enjoyed living alone and being independent. I also enjoyed living with my FI he was the first person I lived with in a relationship. It was nice to have someone to talk to at nights, to have someone to hug and share with.

3) Any negatives to living alone or with an SO? (Beyond the finances of it, I mean - we all know life is expensive.)

The only con to living alone was being lonely sometimes, no issues with being able to afford living alone. FI can let clutter build up around the house, which annoys me. I try to let it go.

4) Does living in a dorm room or having roommates other than an SO count as "living alone"? Why or why not? No I don't think so. I lived with sorority sisters in college I don't think it counted as living alone, nor does a dorm room. Living alone means being the only person in the house taking care of all of the expenses.

[Deleted User] · September 2013

Some background as to how I'm answering these questions: H and I never lived together before we got married - it was important to him. He probably stayed over 4-6 nights a week the last year or two, but he never moved his stuff in and we both always considered it my house.

1) What did you learn about yourself by living alone and/or with an SO? What effect has that had on your current living situation/relationship/life in general?
I learned how strong I was as an individual, I learned how to do my own home repairs and I learned how to manage my own finances. I purchased my own condo in 2007 and H moved in after our wedding this past June. H was very proud of me being able to afford and take care of a place on my own - he always supported me in that decision. I think we've transitioned very well into making it "our home" now instead of "my home".
2) How necessary do you feel it was for you, NOT everybody in general, to live alone? Live with an SO?
Since my parents divorced after 20 years of marriage, it was very important to me to be able to live on my own for a period of time before marriage. I wanted to prove to myself that I would never have to stay in a relationship for any reason other than simply wanting to be with that person.

3) Any negatives to living alone or with an SO? (Beyond the finances of it, I mean - we all know life is expensive.)
A lot of people judged our decision. Since it is so common for couples to live together before marriage now, I think most of our friends and coworkers thought it was either a religious decision or that it said something about the state of our relationship. We had been together over 6 years before H proposed, so I think people felt we must not be that serious if we weren't living together. Things must not be going well. It takes a lot of strength to make your own decision and stick with it regardless of popular opinion - no matter which way you lean on this topic.

4) Does living in a dorm room or having roommates other than an SO count as "living alone"? Why or why not?
I wouldn't really consider college life "living alone". To me, living alone is supporting yourself, financially. Roommates can be a part of that post-college, but during college I feel that you are still somewhat sheltered from real life (and I say this as someone who worked full time her senior year, lived off campus with roommates and had no financial help/medical benefits from home).

minskat30 · September 2013

1) What did you learn about yourself by living alone and/or with an SO? What effect has that had on your current living situation/relationship/life in general?

I was pretty independent in taking care of myself and my family finances from age 14 on so living alone when I went to college didn't really change all that much for me other than having more time to myself. The space was both difficult, as I missed my family and my grandmother who I was taking care of from age 13 on, but I think it let me be more of a kid, ironically, than living at home.

2) How necessary do you feel it was for you, NOT everybody in general, to live alone? Live with an SO?

I think I needed the space and time to myself to grow and not be focused on helping everyone else in my family 24/7. I wouldn't get married to someone without living with them. SO and I lived together for only a few weeks before we got engaged (though he was practically living with me months before that, he still had his own place). I also lived with an ex for about 2 years.

3) Any negatives to living alone or with an SO? (Beyond the finances of it, I mean - we all know life is expensive.)

With my ex it was a terrible experience. We were both arguing all the time and could never get in sync with one another's schedules/personal habits. With H we don't really have any troubles other than the basics of getting on each others nerves once in a while...and THAT is why we have a three bedroom condo. We both have our space to retreat to to have our own time and then can come back refreshed.

4) Does living in a dorm room or having roommates other than an SO count as "living alone"? Why or why not? No, I think you really do have to be alone in the house (including not having a BF over all the time) to truly experience living alone.

Hummingbird125 · September 2013

1) What did you learn about yourself by living alone and/or with an SO? What effect has that had on your current living situation/relationship/life in general?

Living alone (which for me, meant with a friend as a roommate) taught me how to manage my finances, take care of an apartment, and - most importantly - how to be more adventurous in my social life.

If I had met BF earlier and moved in with him right after college I think I would be a totally different person. Living with my wild ex-roommate was so much fun and I had a ton of adventures that I never would have had if I had lived with a BF. I met so many awesome and interesting people during that time in my life as well.

2) How necessary do you feel it was for you, NOT everybody in general, to live alone? Live with an SO?

My friend and I had been planning on living together in NYC for a few years, so I knew I was going to do that right after college. I was determined not to live at home (after being away at college I had no interest in living at home anymore, despite being really close with my family).

As far as living with an SO, I've always known that I would never want to marry someone (or even get engaged) before living together first. Living with my friend for a few years made me even more certain about this, because I living with her showed me entirely new sides to her personality. I realized then that no matter HOW well you know someone, you will still learn a lot more about them once you're living together. BF and I definitely rushed into living together sooner than we both wanted to (due to separate circumstances), but it worked out just fine.

3) Any negatives to living alone or with an SO? (Beyond the finances of it, I mean - we all know life is expensive.)

Others may disagree with me here, but I know one thing I was worried about when moving in with BF (after we'd been together only 8 mos.) was that it would take some of the excitement out of our relationship. In some ways, it definitely did - I was no longer counting the hours until I'd get to see him again, getting all dressed up to go out on dates, and well, he saw me with no makeup and it my ugliest sweatpants/t-shirts all the time! However, it brought us closer in countless ways and we learned to work together as partners in ways that would not have been possible living apart. Plus, I loved going to sleep and waking up next to him every single day.

4) Does living in a dorm room or having roommates other than an SO count as "living alone"? Why or why not?

I don't think living in a dorm room counts because you're not paying a rent check every month or gas/utilities, plus often have a meal plan, and there's just a lot more structure around your life than when you're truly living on your own. I do count living with a roommate as "living alone" because while my roommate and I were friends, we handled our bills/responsibilities separately, and also had separate social lives.

queenofhearts1728 · September 2013

Amapola14 said:

4) Does living in a dorm room or having roommates other than an SO count as "living alone"? Why or why not?

So, I've never lived completely by myself, but I did live with a roommate for awhile. I think it counts as living on my own as I still had to learn how to budget, pay my bills on time, manage all the aspects of an 'adult' life. I wouldn't count a dorm, though.

ShallowSeas · September 2013

1) What did you learn about yourself by living alone and/or with an SO? What effect has that had on your current living situation/relationship/life in general?
When I lived alone, I learned to be self-sufficient. I learned how to manage money, pay bills on time (most of the time), take care of an apartment, and I practiced my cooking. Living with my SO taught me to adjust to things more easily. I've learned how to compromise better on certain things, and how to manage finances with more bills and other variables thrown in the mix. I think living along first was beneficial. I learned more about who I was and how I did things and even why I did things. I learned how to cook better which my SO is thankful for, I'm sure, and I learned how to be completely self-sufficient and how to rely on only myself should I have to do that again some day.

2) How necessary do you feel it was for you, NOT everybody in general, to live alone? Live with an SO?
For me, I feel that living alone was necessary. I learned a lot of things I might not have learned if I had lived with a SO before. I think being self-sufficient is important. I also feel like living with a SO if very important for a relationship because you really don't know someone until you live with them. Everyone has their own quirks and annoying habits and I think knowing those habits and learning how to live and deal with them would benefit the marriage. Its also helpful because you can come up with a system that works for you, your SO, and the household. Everyone does things their own certain way so coming up with a compromise on how things are done and how the household is ran (bills, cleaning, beliefs) makes it much easier.

3) Any negatives to living alone or with an SO? (Beyond the finances of it, I mean - we all know life is expensive.)
I honestly have not found any negatives to living with a SO. Only benefits. I was worried that it would change the relationship, or that spending time with each other would lose its value in a way, but it hasn't. Living together has been wonderful for our relationship and has made us grow closer and more comfortable with each other.

4) Does living in a dorm room or having roommates other than an SO count as "living alone"? Why or why not?
I dont think it counts as living alone because you are not really alone. You still have to learn to live and co-exist with another person in close quarters, however, it is nowhere near the same as living with a SO. You can learn valuable things from living in a dorm or with a roommate, but living with a SO is different.

KateJ16 · September 2013

1) What did you learn about yourself by living alone and/or with an SO? What effect has that had on your current living situation/relationship/life in general?

Living alone has taught me how to be ok with myself - which I feel is very important. If it weren't for that, I feel like I might still have the same insecurities I had in high school. I may not like eveyrthing about me all the time, but I accept myself for who I am. It also taught me how to live - pay bills, clean up after myself (which I suck at), etc. I feel I grew up a lot living alone. I can honestly say I don't think I would be in the relationship I am now or at least not as happy as I am if I hadn't had that time to grow myself as a person. Living with my FI has been wonderful but has still presented a few new challenges - it makes the cooperation and compromise portion of a relationship extremely prevalent. It also takes time to get used to the other's quirks, and it helps you learn how to handle someone else's differences (especially for me, as I know I can be a control freak).

2) How necessary do you feel it was for you, NOT everybody in general, to live alone? Live with an SO?

I really do think it's necessary to live alone for a period of time, because I really really think it helps you grow up. I think it was an episode of Friends where someone said "I went right from my parents' house, to the sorority house, to my husband's house - and I am not happy" (or something like that). I think you need to discover yourself, and a lot of times, you need to do that alone.

I will say that before I met my FI, I was strictly in the "no living together before marriage" thing - mainly because I was thinking that nowadays everything else happens before marriage, so something should be saved for afterwards. But once I fell in love, I realized I wanted to come home to him every night and to be the person he came home to. I personally think it has really strengthened our relationship, because we have learned the ins and outs and everythings about each other (including the things I don't necessarily want to know).

3) Any negatives to living alone or with an SO? (Beyond the finances of it, I mean - we all know life is expensive.)

The major negative IMO to living alone is that you are alone. I would either talk to my parents or a friend on the way home all the time, because there was no one to make sure I made it home ok. Living in a big city, that can be somewhat of a scary thought. I also think that sometimes it made me a little more introverted, because I was perfectly happy being lazy on the couch instead of getting up, dressed up, and going out with the girls.

I can't think of a negative to living with my FI - but I can think of one depending on what kind of place you live in. We purposely converted the second bedroom into an office, but it has a futon and a large TV in there. It is our room to get away if we need to - there are times where I just want to be on my own without talking or cuddling or whatever, and having that additional place to go works wonders. If we didn't have that - we would probably be on each other's nerves a lot.

4) Does living in a dorm room or having roommates other than an SO count as "living alone"? Why or why not?

I do not count this as living alone - mainly because you are not, in fact, living alone. You have another person there to talk to, share bills with, etc. You are more on your own than living with parents or a SO, but you are still living with someone else. I have done both, and it is NOT the same.

CLoGreenEyes · September 2013

@KateJ16, really interesting that living alone made you feel more introverted. I know it's not the same as literally living on my own, but whenever I have house-sat in the past or had a weekend to myself at the dorm I lived in, I would go crazy being by myself. I might enjoy the first day or two, but afterward I would really be jonesing for some company and start inviting all these people over, planning get-togethers, etc.

Gosh. I really want to get on with things with BF, but having my own place sounds sooooo enticing right now. "Darling, I hope you don't mind me throwing off our plans yet again, buuuuuuuut. Let's wait another year or two so I can experience some desperately needed personal growth." Poor dude would be SO CONFUSED by that conversation.

KateJ16 · September 2013

@Amapola14 - I should also mention that I'm an only child, so I tend to like being on my own and sometimes prefer it to being around other people

I think it's interesting the way you describe it too - I know so many people who almost seem like they can't be alone (not saying that is how you are!), versus really valuing time on their own.

But - everyone is different, and just because I reacted a certain way doesn't mean it will be best for you! I look at myself and see all the things that changed for me over that time period - but I was/am in therapy and needed those changes - whereas you may not.

It's too hard to make such a blanket statement I guess - it's really up to the specific person

CLoGreenEyes · September 2013

@KateJ16, haha, believe me, I can definitely stand being alone, and I know that everyone is totally different in how they react to it. I was just surprised that I hated living by myself so much, because I at least used to be a 100% introvert (literally tested that way on the MBTI until pretty recently).

But it sounds like we were raised in totally different environments, so that could explain it, like you said. I've got a loud and ridiculous family, so while I do enjoy having my quiet time, I feel much more secure with the background noise of other people around me. It's weird.

KateJ16 · September 2013

@Amapola14, it's funny - I used to think my family was fairly loud (well, maybe not the three of us, but my extended family who I'm very close to). Then my cousin got married to a guy with five siblings, whose parents each have 8 siblings. It really showed how quiet my family was in comparison! (And now, my FI's family - man, they seem almost silent!)

I get the background noise, although I tend to drown that out or just like to listen to white-ish noise (e.g. I live off Lake Shore Drive, and I love to just listen to the sound of the cars driving by with no other noise).

If you did want to live on your own, could you do a short-term lease somewhere? That way you get the experience but don't have to shove off your plans with your BF for another year?

CLoGreenEyes · September 2013

@KateJ16, I know of a few places near me that would rent month-to-month. I feel like after living with my mom and occasionally my brother during school, it would be really nice to have my own space for a little while before jumping into everything with BF in earnest. I'll think about it for a few days and then see what he thinks.

The only thing that bugs me about that is not being able to save the money I would spend on renting during that time. But you can't put a price on sanity!

Hummingbird125 · September 2013

3) Any negatives to living alone or with an SO? (Beyond the finances of it, I mean - we all know life is expensive.)

Had to add one. Sooner or later, when living with your SO, one of you will clog the toilet and need to ask the other one for help unclogging it. Once you reach this point in your relationship, there's no going back. For me, that point was reached today.

KateJ16 · September 2013

Hummingbird125 said:

3) Any negatives to living alone or with an SO? (Beyond the finances of it, I mean - we all know life is expensive.)

Had to add one. Sooner or later, when living with your SO, one of you will clog the toilet and need to ask the other one for help unclogging it. Once you reach this point in your relationship, there's no going back. For me, that point was reached today.

Recently I heard of a study done where the results were "The couple that farts together, stays together". I think this falls right in line with that

minskat30 · September 2013

Hummingbird125 said:

3) Any negatives to living alone or with an SO? (Beyond the finances of it, I mean - we all know life is expensive.)

Had to add one. Sooner or later, when living with your SO, one of you will clog the toilet and need to ask the other one for help unclogging it. Once you reach this point in your relationship, there's no going back. For me, that point was reached today.

Oh God, this made me LOL. There is no going back now, you are correct.

labro · September 2013

@Hummingbird125 I loved your post! I just LOL'd at work...good thing I'm leaving my current job soon. Pretty sure all of my coworkers think I'm crazy.

CLoGreenEyes · September 2013

Hummingbird125 said:

3) Any negatives to living alone or with an SO? (Beyond the finances of it, I mean - we all know life is expensive.)

Had to add one. Sooner or later, when living with your SO, one of you will clog the toilet and need to ask the other one for help unclogging it. Once you reach this point in your relationship, there's no going back. For me, that point was reached today.

If that's not true love, I don't know what the hell is!

What DID you learn, anyway?

Re: What DID you learn, anyway?

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