Am I being selfish? (Long)

Swazzle · September 2013

You make absolutely NO FUCKING SENSE and you are making my head explode.

GoldenPenguin · September 2013

bubbles053009 said:
lennonkdc said:
thinking about what would happen if a relationship were to end=/= thinking the relationship will end, just like having car insurance =/= going out and crashing your car into a wall.

The dynamic of dependance is set up b/c of an imbalance in finances. No one stays in a bad relationship b/c they can't do their own laundry. But knowing that you can support yourself- physically, emotionally and financially allows you to come into the relationship as an equal partner.

And no one here is making you defend yourself or your relationship. You are getting defensive b/c we disagree with you. You have the same 'I have an excuse for everything' attitude as the OP does re:BC. All we are saying, from some really hard earned life experience, is that moving in with a SO b/c you can't afford your own place and you need out of your parents house can set you up for disaster.

We are however judging the crap out of you for thinking you could have the KG's delete your old account and then come back with a new SN and no one would notice. Its not normal to 'die' on this board and then bring yourself back to life...just sayin...
You think I haven't thought about what would it be like if our relationship failed? I have but not in regards to living with each other. I have never been in a real relationship before my BF and neither has he. But I strongly believe that he is the one for me and he feels the same way as I do.

Also, I am not saying that I need to get out of my parents' house fucking tomorrow, however I can't deal with the stress of having my brother, his wife and their three children living with us much longer.

I have been taking care of myself, while still living with my parents, since I was about 11-12 years old. I don't expect my parents to do anything for me. They may do so, but most of the time, I don't fucking expect them to. Watching my mother go through what she has in the last few years has been heartwretching for me and stressful to the max. But I would never change my life at all nor would I change my past.

OR is it
I have seen my fair share of unhealthy relationships and I have had relationships with guys who were absolute dicks to me.

GoldenPenguin · September 2013

Swazzle · September 2013

I'm truly not sure if you're actually crazy or if you're just in denial.

Either way, you need help. We've been telling you to see a therapist since your very first thread and (as usual) you gave us tons of excuses on why you couldn't. I really hope you finally take our advice at some point.

loves2shop4shoes · September 2013

Just because he doesn't make the sacrifices that I have does not mean it is not a healthy relationship.

Why yes...yes, it does.

See relationships are a two way street. Meaning each person gives, and each person takes. If one person gives more than the other, it's not healthy.

GoldenPenguin · September 2013

bubbles053009 said:

@BriSox81 What I meant in regards to that is that I have had relationships with other guys that never went beyond a first date but me thinking it was going to be a real relationship. Those guys played me the entire time, telling me either it wasn't going to work out because he was still hung up on his ex or that he never had time for us to go on any other dates but had time to do his wrestling on the weekends.

Soooo... you went through shitty dating experiences just like everyone else in the world.

How's that therapy going for you? Cause you need some serious help in figuring out what a healthy relationship ACTUALLY is. This? It ain't it.

minskat30 · September 2013

Weren't you going to take a step back and get some therapy? Can I recommend that again if not?

Whether you like it or not, you are making excuses for your BF. I don't care where his family is from and that's coming from someone who is married to a man born and raised in India...India, for the record, is probably one of the more different and difficult cultures to try to reconcile with American norms other than some of the countries in the Middle East or Russia. Women are often treated poorly there and harassed, there are still strong castes, arranged marriages are still the norm, etc. You know why it isn't a problem for us? Because we BOTH meet in the middle and because he respects me too damn much to push his ideas all ahead of mine and call it "cultural" and I return the favor. You seem to view it as a point of pride that you don't ask for anything from your BF, which makes me think you very much do need therapy if you think a relationship can work that way, especially if you do come from such different backgrounds. So I'll end on that note...therapy, there is no shame in it (hell, I went for years).

buddysmom80 · September 2013

bubbles053009 said:

@Swazzle And I plan to go back to a therapist. I need to speak with my doctor to see who he may suggest. I currently am not sure how long I have my insurance and I may wait until I can get on my BF's insurance when we move in with each other.

I took that advice to heart because it's the exact same thing my BF has told me. I know I need to talk to someone about things. I'm just afraid it will end up the same way it did last time with me feeling like it wasn't doing me any good.

Pro tip: moving in together does not mean you can get on your BF's insurance.

Once again, like I said before, there are couseling facilities that will work with you on a sliding scale.

Get. Some. Help.

lennonkdc · September 2013

bubbles053009 said:

@buddysmom80 In New Hampshire you can get on a SO's insurance if you are co-habituating.

If you could possibly provide me with a link to something where I can research it, it would be helpful. I work Monday through Friday and by the time I get home, I'm much too exhausted to do anything like that.

I do plan on getting help. I just can't afford to take time out of work to go to doctor's and such. I get no sick or vacation time.

http://lmgtfy.com/?q=low+cost+therapy+new+hampshire

CLoGreenEyes · September 2013

Whoa! Helloooooooo NEY, things have changed here...

@bubbles053009, I just don't even know what to say. You don't even seem to care about your own well-being and mental health. We all work and have jobs and responsibilities and commitments. Life is hard. But you need to value your happiness and make an effort to secure it!

I think that, deep down, you know that there is something missing or not quite right about your relationship. You need to make it a priority to understand what that is and either fix it or eliminate it from your life. Your BF may be a step up from past flings or relationship or whatever you call them, but there is still room for improvement. Like it or not, he is not treating you fairly, and just because you don't ask for things doesn't mean he gets a free pass. You very well may end up resenting him someday for how easily he takes from you without giving back, and that sucks. You will never know if this is the best he can do until you start requiring him to meet your needs.

Swazzle · September 2013

minskat30 · September 2013

Ok, look, if you have time to write all that you are writing on this board, you have time to call/email around for a therapist. You really do, so do it already. I know you are tired and stressed and at a breaking point it seems. I emphathize with everything you are going through and you aren't alone in your experiences even though it may seem like it somedays.

CLoGreenEyes · September 2013

@minskat, YES!!!

@bubbles, you are balancing a LOT right now, and I feel for you. And I really don't believe your BF is a bad person; I can tell you feel happy with him and believe the best of him, which is wonderful! But there is still a lot for both of you to learn in your relationship, from what you have told us. Certain things aren't sustainable forever, and some of the patterns you're describing really fit that bill. So somewhere in between everything else going, I really hope you will make a way to take care of yourself in this regard.

CASK85 · September 2013

bubbles053009 said:

Amapola14 said:

@minskat, YES!!!

@bubbles, you are balancing a LOT right now, and I feel for you. And I really don't believe your BF is a bad person; I can tell you feel happy with him and believe the best of him, which is wonderful! But there is still a lot for both of you to learn in your relationship, from what you have told us. Certain things aren't sustainable forever, and some of the patterns you're describing really fit that bill. So somewhere in between everything else going, I really hope you will make a way to take care of yourself in this regard.

Oh I know we have plenty to work on in this relationship. I know every relationship requires work and I am more than willing to put my fair share in as is my BF. We just can't do so right now with his work hours and his parents' health problems and my work hours and my mom's health problems. It's why I can't wait to be able to live with him because we would finally be doing something for ourselves.

ETA: And trust me, I can find plenty of ways to take care of myself. I just wish I had a lock on my door.

Are you alluding to masturbation? I'm pretty sure that has zero to do with any of the advice anyone has given you.

I've been reading though this whole thread just like:

phira · September 2013

What even ... you guys, I wasn't gone from this thread for THAT long, was I?

Anyway. Here are my general thoughts, not directed at just one person, but maybe mostly inspired by one person ...

1) Being in shitty previous relationships can warp your sense of happiness. I've been in three big relationships in my life. My college boyfriend was an asshole. I was miserable on a daily basis when we were dating. There were plenty of things about the relationship that I liked, enough for me to stay, but I was always upset about something.

My second big relationship was a couple of years later. He was a much better boyfriend--and person--than my college boyfriend. Of course, he was also an asshole, and we actually had the same kinds of problems (just different flavors of the same problems) as I did with my first boyfriend. I stayed with him for months longer than I should have because he was SUCH a better boyfriend than the last guy. Just because a relationship is better than other ones you've been in doesn't mean it's a happy, healthy relationship. No relationship is perfect, but the kinds of problems you deal with in a happy, healthy relationship are different than the ones I was dealing with in my previous relationships.

2) No one is too special to live with roommates. If you can afford to live on your own, without roommates, that's great. But no one is too special to live with non-family/non-SO. No, it's not fun, even when you're living with friends (I had better experiences living with strangers from Craig's List). I do not miss living with roommates. But there are very real benefits to living apart from family or living without your partner. Sharing a household as a family is much, much different than sharing one with roommates.

While I don't think that people should be forced to live with roommates before they live with a partner, I think that if the issue is, "I don't want to live with my parents anymore," the solution is usually Craig's List, not, "Well, I guess I'm moving in with my boyfriend." In my opinion, you should be making the decision to live together because you are both ready for that step in the relationship, and not out of necessity.

3) Making sacrifices is part of being in a relationship, and should be mutual. It is really, really worrisome to hear something like, "I don't mind making these sacrifices because I love my partner ... I would never ask them to make a sacrifice for me!"

First of all, your love for your partner is not measured in the number of sacrifices you make for them. You're not a better partner if you make a lot of sacrifices. The nature of the sacrifices is beyond important, and part of loving someone and sharing a life with them is making sacrifices. But this isn't something to show off as proof that you're the best partner ever.

Second of all, like I just said: part loving someone and sharing a life with them is making sacrifices. If your partner never makes sacrifices for you, that's a huge red flag. Have you asked them for a compromise or a sacrifice? Even thought people are not mind-readers, there are a lot of sacrifices we make without being asked; if your partner hasn't made a single sacrifice, with or without being asked, that's a problem.

Finally, not asking for compromise or sacrifice does not make you a magic awesome partner who is the best ever. It's indicative of being a person who is afraid that if they ask for compromise/sacrifice, they will anger their partner and risk losing their relationship. I've told my partner more than once: you should be able to approach me about anything that you're unhappy about, without fear that I will get mad at you.

CLoGreenEyes · September 2013

Loved it, @phira.

I would also like to add that while making compromises is a part of any relationship worth its salt, I feel like the word "sacrifices" usually implies giving up on something that is an integral part of you for the sake of someone else. Making compromises on things that aren't as important to you, even though you prefer them, is inevitable and OK in my book. Making sacrifices, on the other hand, usually indicates that you are giving up too much of yourself for the sake of the relationship. Just a thought.

queenofhearts1728 · September 2013

Well said @Phira

I don't even think it could be said better.

buddysmom80 · September 2013

bubbles053009 did you find that therapist yet???

Swazzle · September 2013

bubbles053009 said:

@buddysmom80 No, not yet. I'm currently at work, didn't have time after lunch to email around. Perhaps I will have to do so when I get home.

And yet here you are replying to posts that weren't even directed at you.

Swazzle · September 2013

bubbles053009 said:

phira said:

What even ... you guys, I wasn't gone from this thread for THAT long, was I?

Anyway. Here are my general thoughts, not directed at just one person, but maybe mostly inspired by one person ...

1) Being in shitty previous relationships can warp your sense of happiness. I've been in three big relationships in my life. My college boyfriend was an asshole. I was miserable on a daily basis when we were dating. There were plenty of things about the relationship that I liked, enough for me to stay, but I was always upset about something.

My second big relationship was a couple of years later. He was a much better boyfriend--and person--than my college boyfriend. Of course, he was also an asshole, and we actually had the same kinds of problems (just different flavors of the same problems) as I did with my first boyfriend. I stayed with him for months longer than I should have because he was SUCH a better boyfriend than the last guy. Just because a relationship is better than other ones you've been in doesn't mean it's a happy, healthy relationship. No relationship is perfect, but the kinds of problems you deal with in a happy, healthy relationship are different than the ones I was dealing with in my previous relationships.

2) No one is too special to live with roommates. If you can afford to live on your own, without roommates, that's great. But no one is too special to live with non-family/non-SO. No, it's not fun, even when you're living with friends (I had better experiences living with strangers from Craig's List). I do not miss living with roommates. But there are very real benefits to living apart from family or living without your partner. Sharing a household as a family is much, much different than sharing one with roommates.

While I don't think that people should be forced to live with roommates before they live with a partner, I think that if the issue is, "I don't want to live with my parents anymore," the solution is usually Craig's List, not, "Well, I guess I'm moving in with my boyfriend." In my opinion, you should be making the decision to live together because you are both ready for that step in the relationship, and not out of necessity.

3) Making sacrifices is part of being in a relationship, and should be mutual. It is really, really worrisome to hear something like, "I don't mind making these sacrifices because I love my partner ... I would never ask them to make a sacrifice for me!"

First of all, your love for your partner is not measured in the number of sacrifices you make for them. You're not a better partner if you make a lot of sacrifices. The nature of the sacrifices is beyond important, and part of loving someone and sharing a life with them is making sacrifices. But this isn't something to show off as proof that you're the best partner ever.

Second of all, like I just said: part loving someone and sharing a life with them is making sacrifices. If your partner never makes sacrifices for you, that's a huge red flag. Have you asked them for a compromise or a sacrifice? Even thought people are not mind-readers, there are a lot of sacrifices we make without being asked; if your partner hasn't made a single sacrifice, with or without being asked, that's a problem.

Finally, not asking for compromise or sacrifice does not make you a magic awesome partner who is the best ever. It's indicative of being a person who is afraid that if they ask for compromise/sacrifice, they will anger their partner and risk losing their relationship. I've told my partner more than once: you should be able to approach me about anything that you're unhappy about, without fear that I will get mad at you.

I feel like this is directed at me(even though you stated it wasn't directed at anybody) so I'm going to answer the points you brought up, which are all valid points btw.

1) My sense of happiness with my boyfriend is not warped at all because of the shitheads I was with beforehand. He knows all about what they did to me and why it caused me to be a little more cautious. That being said, I have never felt more happy and more at peace with someone in my entire life. My BF is the world to me. I never thought I'd be able to give my heart away to any other person again after what the other shitheads did. But I did and he has cradled it so gently, fixing all the small breaks in it. I couldn't ask for a better person to spend my life with.

2) We aren't moving in together out of necessity. It's the next step in our relationship that we are taking. I don't feel comfortable living with strangers and I don't have many friends. All of my friends have in some way hurt me and made me feel like shit. The only people that I am close to and would consider friends are both of my SILs and my mom.

3) I have never said that my BF hasn't made sacrifices for me, just that I make more sacrifices for him. We've discussed various compromises in our relationship, including where we will eventually get married, spending time with family, etc. He got bitched out by his general manager at work in regards to our May trip to Montreal for the concert I wanted to go to. Since it was Memorial Day weekend and they were going to be busy, but my BF told him where he could shove it because it was something that I was excited about and wanted. The same with two Fridays ago. He could have just dropped and my niece off at the concert and left us with an extra ticket and no ride home so that he could drive back home to rush his dad to the hospital. But he didn't. He called an ambulance, went to the concert and then went to check on his dad after he dropped us back off at my house.

I now know EXACTLY why you had your original account deleted. So that we couldn't go back and pull up your previous posts that COMPLETELY AND 100% contradicted all of the shit you're throwing out now.

GoldenPenguin · September 2013

bubbles053009 said:

@buddysmom80 No, not yet. I'm currently at work, didn't have time after lunch to email around. Perhaps I will have to do so when I get home.

So, you have time to write out paragraph after paragraph ON THE KNOT defending your unhealthy relationship, but you don't have time to click on the links that someone else so nicely googled for you to find yourself a therapist.

queenofhearts1728 · September 2013

CASK85 · September 2013

[Deleted User] · September 2013

Swazzle · September 2013

CLoGreenEyes · September 2013

GoldenPenguin · September 2013

Swazzle said:

I feel like this is directed at me(even though you stated it wasn't directed at anybody) so I'm going to answer the points you brought up, which are all valid points btw.

1) My sense of happiness with my boyfriend is not warped at all because of the shitheads I was with beforehand. He knows all about what they did to me and why it caused me to be a little more cautious. That being said, I have never felt more happy and more at peace with someone in my entire life. My BF is the world to me. I never thought I'd be able to give my heart away to any other person again after what the other shitheads did. But I did and he has cradled it so gently, fixing all the small breaks in it. I couldn't ask for a better person to spend my life with.

2) We aren't moving in together out of necessity. It's the next step in our relationship that we are taking. I don't feel comfortable living with strangers and I don't have many friends. All of my friends have in some way hurt me and made me feel like shit. The only people that I am close to and would consider friends are both of my SILs and my mom.

3) I have never said that my BF hasn't made sacrifices for me, just that I make more sacrifices for him. We've discussed various compromises in our relationship, including where we will eventually get married, spending time with family, etc. He got bitched out by his general manager at work in regards to our May trip to Montreal for the concert I wanted to go to. Since it was Memorial Day weekend and they were going to be busy, but my BF told him where he could shove it because it was something that I was excited about and wanted. The same with two Fridays ago. He could have just dropped and my niece off at the concert and left us with an extra ticket and no ride home so that he could drive back home to rush his dad to the hospital. But he didn't. He called an ambulance, went to the concert and then went to check on his dad after he dropped us back off at my house.

I now know EXACTLY why you had your original account deleted. So that we couldn't go back and pull up your previous posts that COMPLETELY AND 100% contradicted all of the shit you're throwing out now.

Hey Heisenberg, was this gif overused in the Bryan Cranston AMA?

minskat30 · September 2013

Ok you missed my point so I'm going to restate it even though you are making me want to pull my hair out. Stop wasting time doing things like playing video games and watching TV as a means to take care of yourself. Those things are great if you've got all your shit together (or relatively together) but they are the kind of mind-numbing things you do to take care of yourself. They are easy. Therapy and self-improvement is difficult so I get the reluctance to take the first step but you aren't going to get a lot of sympathy from me on this point. I have a job where I work anywhere between 8-20 hour days, I did this while taking care of my dying father while planning a wedding, I needed therapy for all of that so what did I do? I found the time for therapy. If that meant skipping lunch, lunch was skipped (or eaten on route). THAT is making your well being and mental health a priority.

Swazzle · September 2013

Swazzle · September 2013

Am I being selfish? (Long)

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