HELP!!!! STB Mother-in-Law

ndb703 · September 2013

My Fiance's mother and father just divorced. It was a very ugly divorce and they cannot stand each other she moved 12 hours away just to get away, and honestly we are only inviting her because we have to. It is too soon, and we are not allowing +1 for anyone unless they are engaged or we personally are friends with the other half, as all guests will be staying the night in a lodge. His mother is probably the most annoying person, not to mention controlling, I mean I got something in the mail for the wedding that im keeping a secret and she started crying to get her way so i would feel bad and tell her. I'm use to it so I don't cave anymore. But to my point, I have no clue how to sit her at the ceremony. I was planning on my parents and grandparents at one table, aunts and uncles at another table, friends at another, and the children at a childs table, and same goes for his side, parents and grandparents at a table, and battle buddys at a table, he has decided not to invite but one uncle who will sit with parents and grandparents. Noone wants to sit by her, and I would feel horrible if I put her at the same table as his dad, who is amazing and a second dad to me. I refuse to sit her with my family and friends. But i would feel bad if I sit her at a table by herself. WHAT DO I DO? PLEASE HELP!!!

HisGirlFriday13 · September 2013

ndb703 said:
My Fiance's mother and father just divorced. It was a very ugly divorce and they cannot stand each other she moved 12 hours away just to get away, and honestly we are only inviting her because we have to. It is too soon, and we are not allowing +1 for anyone unless they are engaged or we personally are friends with the other half, as all guests will be staying the night in a lodge. His mother is probably the most annoying person, not to mention controlling, I mean I got something in the mail for the wedding that im keeping a secret and she started crying to get her way so i would feel bad and tell her. I'm use to it so I don't cave anymore. But to my point, I have no clue how to sit her at the ceremony. I was planning on my parents and grandparents at one table, aunts and uncles at another table, friends at another, and the children at a childs table, and same goes for his side, parents and grandparents at a table, and battle buddys at a table, he has decided not to invite but one uncle who will sit with parents and grandparents. Noone wants to sit by her, and I would feel horrible if I put her at the same table as his dad, who is amazing and a second dad to me. I refuse to sit her with my family and friends. But i would feel bad if I sit her at a table by herself. WHAT DO I DO? PLEASE HELP!!!

I'm going to skip over the complete rudeness of the way you're choosing to invite SOs; I'm on mobile and typing is a PITA. Besides, I'm quite certain other posters will tell you in no uncertain terms exactly how gauche your plans are.

Weddings are about compromise. Your FI is going to have to pick someone -- several someones -- from his side of the family to suck it up and sit with her. You should also think of one or two people you can seat with her.

This woman is going to be in your life forever; don't alienate her or your FI over seating

Ajuliana · September 2013

Sit her with her family. Her parents, her siblings, somebody there is probably related to her. Maybe let her bring one friend if there is literally no one who will speak to her if at the same table. Wouldn't you want someone else to do that for you?

Please try to be understanding of her and FILs situation since it is a major life event to go through a divorce. Can you list an example of something she did to explain why she's so terrible? Because it sounds like maybe you are overreacting.

mlg78 · September 2013

Just for the record, anyone in a relationship -- not what YOU define as a relationship -- must be invited together.

Xstatic3333 · September 2013

I agree that letting her bring a friend is a good solution. Then sit her with some other people she knows, not the FFIL. They may not love her but they'll play nice for her son's wedding. Let FFIL bring a friend too; parents can be an exception there.

Speaking of your plus-one plan, @mlg78 is right. Anyone with a BF or GF must be invited as a couple. I know you may have heard other advice in silly wedding magazines, but trust us, it is very rude to exclude half of a couple. If you do, expect a very high decline rate and lots of people leaving early. It is ok to invite truly-single guests without a plus one, but people in relationships, even brand new ones, are a social unit that shouldn't be split. I'd make any budget sacrifices necessary to change your plan.

artbyallie · September 2013

What's this 'everyone will be staying in a lodge?' No they won't, unless you're paying for it. You can't make people stay somewhere. And not inviting an SO just because you're not friends with them just tells the other half of the couple how unimportant they are to you.

Swazzle · September 2013

Please don't pass judgement on your loved ones' relationships and invite their SOs whether they've been dating for 3 months or are engaged. It's very rude to not invite someone's SO just because you haven't met them before.

Does your FI's mother have family that is also being invited to the wedding?

cruffino · September 2013

Your fmil has a family. Seat her with them.

If you invited me with out my FI, I wouldn't come, so plan for some declines if you split up couples.

It's obvious to me, a total stranger, that you've chosen sides in thus divorce. Everyone else will notice too. As pp said, this woman is in your life permanently now. Think about if you truly want to alienate her.

southernbelle0915 · September 2013

ndb703 said:

My Fiance's mother and father just divorced. It was a very ugly divorce and they cannot stand each other she moved 12 hours away just to get away, and honestly we are only inviting her because we have to. It is too soon, and we are not allowing +1 for anyone unless they are engaged or we personally are friends with the other half, as all guests will be staying the night in a lodge. Etiquette is that people in relationships (whether or not they are engaged and/or you know them) are invited together. It's against etiquette to judge the seriousness of others' relationships. If you have truly single guests, that's where "plus ones" come in. Plus ones for truly single guests are at your discretion. His mother is probably the most annoying person, not to mention controlling, I mean I got something in the mail for the wedding that im keeping a secret and she started crying to get her way so i would feel bad and tell her. I'm use to it so I don't cave anymore. But to my point, I have no clue how to sit her at the ceremony. At the ceremony, parents are generally seated in the front row. I was planning on my parents and grandparents at one table, aunts and uncles at another table, friends at another, and the children at a childs table, and same goes for his side, parents and grandparents at a table, and battle buddys at a table, he has decided not to invite but one uncle who will sit with parents and grandparents. Noone wants to sit by her, and I would feel horrible if I put her at the same table as his dad, who is amazing and a second dad to me. I refuse to sit her with my family and friends. But i would feel bad if I sit her at a table by herself. WHAT DO I DO? PLEASE HELP!!! Seat her with her family.

delujm0 · September 2013

So...FI and i were together for 8 years (living together for 6 of those) when we got engaged. Are you telling me that if your wedding had occurred 7 years into our relationship, and you were primarily friends with FI, I wouldn't have been invited to your wedding? That is nonsense.

You understand that just because you are now engaged it does not give you the right to pass judgement on other peoples' relationships, correct? Please reconsider your plus one strategy.

Invite FI's mother, give her a plus one, and sit her with members of her family, or your family. Trust her to act like an adult for one night. And maybe you need to also start acting like an adult, because you currently do not sound like one.

SunriseAmber · September 2013

OP, you are really rude. You don't get to dictate how serious a relationship is and how much of a commitment they have together. If you invited me to your wedding and said my boyfriend wasn't invited I would decline and then majorly side-eye you.

I'm hoping you are paying for the lodge if you are also saying every one is staying there. As far as the seating for your FMIL I think you should have your FI decide on where she sits and who sits with her.

phira · September 2013

If your only options are to sit your future mother-in-law with your future father-in-law, OR to make her sit by herself, you are seriously not very creative.

We're only inviting 3 people from my dad's side of the family (my grandparents and my godmother). My grandparents don't like my mom or my maternal grandmother, but if they decide to come to the wedding, that's likely who they'll be sitting with. We don't want alienate them by making them sit somewhere else while my other grandmother "gets" to sit with my partner's parents and grandfather. Of course, if they indicate to us that they're not comfortable sitting with my mom and grandmother, we'll figure something else out. We're certainly not making them sit alone.

Finally, other posters have already mentioned this, but the way you're going about inviting significant others is very, very, very rude. We are telling you this in case your friends don't feel comfortable telling you to your face. You do not get to decide how legitimate a relationship is. You don't have to let everyone bring the guest of their choice, but it's very rude to invite someone and then refuse to invite their significant other because you don't know them well enough, or you don't think their relationship is serious enough.

If I were invited to a wedding and my partner was not invited with me, I would refuse to attend.

SunriseAmber · September 2013

I'm still in shock that the OP is not allowing SO's unless they are engaged. This is probably the tackiest thing I've ever heard.

RebeccaB88 · September 2013

SunriseAmber said:

I'm still in shock that the OP is not allowing SO's unless they are engaged. This is probably the tackiest thing I've ever heard.

Ditto. OP, let me guess...you're paying for it yourselves and can't afford to invite SO's, and the venue only holds so many people anyway so you had to cut somewhere? If so, then you need to find somewhere else to cut back so SO's can be included, or rethink your entire strategy because if you can't include SO's due to budget, then you're planning a wedding you can't afford.

jenniferurs · September 2013

I'm confused by those who say they wouldn't go to a wedding if invited without their SO. Before we got engaged, my fiancé was invited to a wedding with no plus one. He went and I encouraged him to. If the bride and groom have size and/or budget constraints to the point where they can't invite all of their loved ones and still have space for people they don't know, I'm not going to be offended. It's okay for couples to do things apart sometimes. I'd rather my fiancé witness his friend's wedding and his friend be able to invite the people she DOES actually know than protest and have my fiancé do the same.

SunriseAmber · September 2013

I see what you are saying and agree that it is okay for couples to do things apart, obviously. But in my opinion it's not okay to invite an adult without inviting their SO to a social event. Like another PP stated if you can't afford to accommodate your guest to bring their partner then the bride and groom should find a different area to cut back.

banana468 · September 2013

jenniferurs said:
I'm confused by those who say they wouldn't go to a wedding if invited without their SO. Before we got engaged, my fiancé was invited to a wedding with no plus one. He went and I encouraged him to. If the bride and groom have size and/or budget constraints to the point where they can't invite all of their loved ones and still have space for people they don't know, I'm not going to be offended. It's okay for couples to do things apart sometimes. I'd rather my fiancé witness his friend's wedding and his friend be able to invite the people she DOES actually know than protest and have my fiancé do the same.

That's fine that you feel this way. However it IS rude to invite only half a social unit to a wedding.

Xstatic3333 · September 2013

Honestly, for a very good friend I might still go, but I would be offended. If Hwas the one invited I'd let him go if he wanted, but I still would be offended. It's better for the bride and groom to cut back elsewhere. This is my number two wedding pet peeve (after lack of chairs) and one of the only ones I judge people for IRL. It's selfish to think just because people aren't engaged they aren't a social unit. H and I were life partners for years before we got engaged. Heck, some life partners never get married for whatever reason. On the other hand, some couples get serious very quickly and could be life partners after six weeks. H and I are both busy and value our weekend time together; you can bet even when we were dating we'd have been annoyed to have to split for a wedding.

ETA: FI is now H

mc4dj13 · September 2013

She asked a question about where to seat her mother in law. She didn't ask to get a lecture about her wedding. Step off, ladies. Stay on task- to put it nicer.

banana468 · September 2013

mc4dj13 said:
She asked a question about where to seat her mother in law. She didn't ask to get a lecture about her wedding. Step off, ladies. Stay on task- to put it nicer.

Are you outing yourself as one of the secret mods?

Jen4948 · September 2013

mc4dj13 said:

She asked a question about where to seat her mother in law. She didn't ask to get a lecture about her wedding. Step off, ladies. Stay on task- to put it nicer.

It's not your place or her place, or anyone else's, to tell us how to answer. If it doesn't violate the TOS (and answering differently doesn't) then it's a valid answer.

Look, when people post here, they're going to get all kinds of answers-whether they asked for them or not. "She/I didn't ask for" doesn't work in an Internet forum. Nobody gets to control the response other than whoever makes the TOS. That's not you.

misshart00 · September 2013

banana468 said:

She asked a question about where to seat her mother in law. She didn't ask to get a lecture about her wedding. Step off, ladies. Stay on task- to put it nicer.

Are you outing yourself as one of the secret mods?

But, but... KP said that there are no secret mods in place yet. She told us the other day when she didn't answer my question about what their powers would be.

PrettyGirlLost · September 2013

jenniferurs said:

I'm confused by those who say they wouldn't go to a wedding if invited without their SO. Before we got engaged, my fiancé was invited to a wedding with no plus one. He went and I encouraged him to. If the bride and groom have size and/or budget constraints to the point where they can't invite all of their loved ones and still have space for people they don't know, I'm not going to be offended. It's okay for couples to do things apart sometimes. I'd rather my fiancé witness his friend's wedding and his friend be able to invite the people she DOES actually know than protest and have my fiancé do the same.

Then they are doing it wrong, sorry.

It's super rude to split up social units like that. . . I'd never attend a wedding w/o FI.

Swazzle · September 2013

I also would not attend a wedding that my H (or BF or FI at the time) wasn't invited to and it's not about not being to do things without him. It's rude and insulting.

My half-sister whom I'm not close with at all (I've met her 2x in my whole life -- and my SO was there both times as well) only invited me to her wedding. I was offended and I declined.

PrettyGirlLost · September 2013

mc4dj13 said:

She asked a question about where to seat her mother in law. She didn't ask to get a lecture about her wedding. Step off, ladies. Stay on task- to put it nicer.

Then she shouldn't have added that extraneous information. We are free to comment on whatever we wish to, unless the 1st Amendment was repealed w/o me knowing.

And who died and made you Forum Czar?

http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lqcvy22vET1qd5jazo1_500.gif

To put it nicer.

SunriseAmber · September 2013

mc4dj13 said:

She asked a question about where to seat her mother in law. She didn't ask to get a lecture about her wedding. Step off, ladies. Stay on task- to put it nicer.

Actually she is having an issue with finding her FMIL a place to sit because she will not allow her (an adult) to have a +1. So we did answer her question.

Get over yourself, allow +1's, and you won't have a problem.

Swazzle · September 2013

mc4dj13 said:

She asked a question about where to seat her mother in law. She didn't ask to get a lecture about her wedding. Step off, ladies. Stay on task- to put it nicer.

Thanks, mom.

SunriseAmber · September 2013

PGL - you literally had me laughing out loud. Best GIF ever.

PrettyGirlLost · September 2013

SunriseAmber said:

PGL - you literally had me laughing out loud. Best GIF ever.

Glad I could help!

smalfrie19 · September 2013

PrettyGirlLost said:

mc4dj13 said:

She asked a question about where to seat her mother in law. She didn't ask to get a lecture about her wedding. Step off, ladies. Stay on task- to put it nicer.

Then she shouldn't have added that extraneous information. We are free to comment on whatever we wish to, unless the 1st Amendment was repealed w/o me knowing.

And who died and made you Forum Czar?

To put it nicer.

Can we PLEASE discontinue the use of Knot Gods and start using this exclusively?!?!

phira · September 2013

jenniferurs said:

I'm confused by those who say they wouldn't go to a wedding if invited without their SO. Before we got engaged, my fiancé was invited to a wedding with no plus one. He went and I encouraged him to. If the bride and groom have size and/or budget constraints to the point where they can't invite all of their loved ones and still have space for people they don't know, I'm not going to be offended. It's okay for couples to do things apart sometimes. I'd rather my fiancé witness his friend's wedding and his friend be able to invite the people she DOES actually know than protest and have my fiancé do the same.

You're confused, so I'll clarify. If a friend invited me to their wedding but I was not allowed to bring my partner, I would not attend. I would not attend because I think it's rude to say, "Come to my celebration of my relationship!" and then essentially say, "But your relationship doesn't matter."

Like the vast majority of people, I am capable of engaging in activities and attending events without my partner. However, he and I share a life together, and for big events like weddings, I'd like to be able to attend as a couple. You might not care if you were invited without your partner, but I would care if I were invited without mine.

And a couple getting married should consider their full guest list when they calculate their budget and look at venues. If there are space constraints, then invite fewer people--just don't leave out SOs.

HELP!!!! STB Mother-in-Law

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