People adding people to RSVPs

HisGirlFriday13 · September 2013

Our RSVPs are due today. We're only missing seven, so I'm pretty stoked about that.

FI's grandmother called me this morning to tell me that her sister-in-law had called her and asked if she could bring a date to the wedding. (Gma and SIL are both in their 80s, SIL is attending with her two grown daughters and their husbands).

Gma: "She asked if she could bring a date and I said I didn't see why not."
Me: "You don't see why it's a problem that you allowed someone to bring a plus-one without consulting me or FI, whose wedding this is? You had no right to do that."

Her: "Well, I knew if I asked you, you'd say no. And now you can't say no."

If I make it through the next 18 days without telling her exactly what I think of her (that she is a meddlesome, gossipy old crazypants bitch), it will be a miracle.

southernbelle0915 · September 2013

HisGirlFriday13 said:

Our RSVPs are due today. We're only missing seven, so I'm pretty stoked about that.

FI's grandmother called me this morning to tell me that her sister-in-law had called her and asked if she could bring a date to the wedding. (Gma and SIL are both in their 80s, SIL is attending with her two grown daughters and their husbands).

Gma: "She asked if she could bring a date and I said I didn't see why not."
Me: "You don't see why it's a problem that you allowed someone to bring a plus-one without consulting me or FI, whose wedding this is? You had no right to do that."
Her: "Well, I knew if I asked you, you'd say no. And now you can't say no."

If I make it through the next 18 days without telling her exactly what I think of her (that she is a meddlesome, gossipy old crazypants bitch), it will be a miracle.

That exchange makes it sound like you're both rude to each other. I know y'all have had issues throughout this process but I don't get why your FI doesn't interface with her. It doesn't make any sense to me.

HisGirlFriday13 · September 2013

@SouthernBelle0915, because she called him first and he told her exactly the same thing I did, so then she called ME hoping to get a different answer than she'd gotten from him. Her MO is to play people off each other.

southernbelle0915 · September 2013

HisGirlFriday13 said:

@SouthernBelle0915, because she called him first and he told her exactly the same thing I did, so then she called ME hoping to get a different answer than she'd gotten from him. Her MO is to play people off each other.

Yea no. I wouldn't play that game for one lousy phone call. The more worked up you get and the more you play, the more she wins.

Every single time she called me, I'd either a) not pick up and tell FI to call her back or b) pick up and let her know I'm aware she already asked this question of FI, so the answer is the same. *Click!*

JMalettas · September 2013

That would be insanely frustrating! I would think there's 3 things you can do. You & your FI can let it slide & have the SIL bring a plus one. Just for the sake of saving the argument, (especially so close to the wedding). Most venues will allow you to add an extra meal up to a few days before your event. OR, you or your FI can call his grandmother & ask her to call her SIL back and explain she hadn't ran this by you yet. Option 3, you call the SIL herself & talk directly to her. Really, bottom line is, if she wasn't invited with a plus one, then she shouldn't be bringing one, or should have directly asked you/your FI. (In my opinion anyways).

If I were in this situation, I would likely just let the SIL bring her plus one. Not that what she did was right, but to hopefully eliminate some drama. I most *definitely* would have a discussion with the grandmother in person, with your FI. I have a feeling, (just from what you posted), that this may not be the first time she's interfered with something! So maybe if you both talk to her in person, you can work some of this stuff out!

Good luck to you! I hope however it works out, that it all ends well!

*J

APDSS22 · September 2013

"Well, [FI's grandmother's name] looks like you just gave up your seat for your SIL's random date. Awesome." I mean, how else could she determine you would be able to accommodate a plus one that wasn't on an invite... *end sarcasm of evil chipmunk*

HisGirlFriday13 · September 2013

alisonmarie658 said:

Oy HGF. You have all the luck, don't ya?

I really do, don't I? We're going to let the SIL's date slide, mostly because, 18 days out, I don't feel like fighting this battle. It's not worth it, and in the end, it's one more octogenarian person, so whatevs.

FI and I both independently and then jointly sat gma down today and explained, in no uncertain terms, why what she did was unacceptable, and why if she oversteps the boundaries we have established one more time, there will be serious repercussions, up to and including cessation of all contact.

She just kept saying, "But so many of my family members declined, I don't understand why I can't add more people to the reception."

I said, politely, "Because we are 18 days out from our wedding, it is too late to add anyone to any of the lists, and more importantly, you have absolutely no business inviting people to an event you are not hosting. My parents are hosting this, and if you had wanted people to be added to the list, you should have asked them."
She said, "But I knew you would have said no. So I knew that if I asked, you wouldn't let me, and now you have to let my SIL bring her handman friend."

It's the utter manipulation that just absolutely infuriates me. She knew what she was doing was wrong and did it anyway, and expects her having already done it and "not wanting to be embarrassed" to be an excuse for why we should let her get away with it.

The silver lining, I suppose, is that we are now at exactly 12 tables. The tables seat at most 8, and one of them will be a table of 7, so if she does this to anyone else, they're literally not going to have a chair to sit on and it's going to be on her.

And the other plus side is that we're only missing 5 RSVPs and none of those are people she can tell to bring a date. So there is that.

Ajuliana · September 2013

I know how frustrating she must be, because I have a terrible, mean grandmother myself, but the things she says are kind of funny from the outside.

Why would you "have to" let her friend bring a date because she lied to them and said it was ok? I'd call her bluff and NOT let the other woman bring her date. Literally call her up, and say, grandma lied to you. Embarass her for once.

HisGirlFriday13 · September 2013

Ajuliana said:

I know how frustrating she must be, because I have a terrible, mean grandmother myself, but the things she says are kind of funny from the outside.

Why would you "have to" let her friend bring a date because she lied to them and said it was ok? I'd call her bluff and NOT let the other woman bring her date. Literally call her up, and say, grandma lied to you. Embarass her for once.

They really are, and I can admit that, if they weren't happening TO ME, I'd think they were hiLARious. And that's why I share them here -- it gives me a chance to vent AND I get to amuse all of you at the same time. Win-win.

I thought about that, I really did. But FI says that this guy is technically the SIL's boyfriend. The conversation was confusing.
FI: Well, he's her sort-of boyfriend.

Me: No. Either they are in a relationship or they're not. They're octogenarians, not middle-schoolers, there's none of this 'going out' crap.

FI: Well, they go on dates and go to church together but don't live together and don't have sex, because sex outside of marriage is wrong, according to her.

Me: That's about 10,000% more information than I needed. 'They go on dates and consider themselves in a relationship' would have sufficed, thanks.

Apparently, despite the fact I have NEVER met this man in ALL the time I've been with FI and gone to family events, this is gma's SIL's 'special gentleman friend' and they do consider themselves in a relationship, which means he should have been included from the get-go.

So now I'm ticked at FI AND gma for not telling me about this guy in August when I mailed invites!

Swazzle · September 2013

I agree with @southernbelle0915.

I must have missed some past threads from you but I would 100% let my FI deal with his family and I probably wouldn't have talked to his grandmother that way, regardless of what she did.

smalfrie19 · September 2013

Robloveshallie said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

Our RSVPs are due today. We're only missing seven, so I'm pretty stoked about that.

FI's grandmother called me this morning to tell me that her sister-in-law had called her and asked if she could bring a date to the wedding. (Gma and SIL are both in their 80s, SIL is attending with her two grown daughters and their husbands).

Gma: "She asked if she could bring a date and I said I didn't see why not."
Me: "You don't see why it's a problem that you allowed someone to bring a plus-one without consulting me or FI, whose wedding this is? You had no right to do that."

Her: "Well, I knew if I asked you, you'd say no. And now you can't say no."

If I make it through the next 18 days without telling her exactly what I think of her (that she is a meddlesome, gossipy old crazypants bitch), it will be a miracle.
Am I the only one who thought that response was funny?

Its rude because its manipulative..

HisGirlFriday13 · September 2013

I dont know, I guess I just pictured her saying it in a funny way. My grandma brought one of her friends along even though I had never met her before. It was a bit awkward when I went around to greet everybody and give them hugs, but other than that I didn't mind. She actually had the most practical gift out of everybody there. She gave us a mini trash can with paper plates, plastic silverware, sandwich/freezer baggies, etc. and a note that said for those nights when you just don't feel like cooking dinner . It was super thoughtful.

(I can't get out of the damn quote box).

My objection is that FI's grandmother invited someone to our wedding without consulting us. It doesn't matter how funny what she said was to you (and, btw, I challenge you to find a defiant old woman who knows she's being a bitch "funny"), it matters that she disrespected me, FI, our relationship, and my parents (who are hosting the wedding) by just randomly saying to someone, "Oh, sure, you can bring a plus-one even though you weren't invited with one, that's no problem!"

smalfrie19 · September 2013

Robloveshallie said:

I dont know, I guess I just pictured her saying it in a funny way. My grandma brought one of her friends along even though I had never met her before. It was a bit awkward when I went around to greet everybody and give them hugs, but other than that I didn't mind. She actually had the most practical gift out of everybody there. She gave us a mini trash can with paper plates, plastic silverware, sandwich/freezer baggies, etc. and a note that said for those nights when you just don't feel like cooking dinner . It was super thoughtful.

(I can't get out of the damn quote box).

My objection is that FI's grandmother invited someone to our wedding without consulting us. It doesn't matter how funny what she said was to you (and, btw, I challenge you to find a defiant old woman who knows she's being a bitch "funny"), it matters that she disrespected me, FI, our relationship, and my parents (who are hosting the wedding) by just randomly saying to someone, "Oh, sure, you can bring a plus-one even though you weren't invited with one, that's no problem!"

Hm, you sound pretty stressed out. Maybe you should take a day to calm yourself.

Because she cares that people treat her like crap?

smalfrie19 · September 2013

Robloveshallie said:

Well it works both ways. I don't blame your future grandmother.

For expanding the guest list when she isnt't contributing to the cost?

smalfrie19 · September 2013

Robloveshallie said:

With the way she spoke to her, if I was her grandmother I wouldn't even come. If you are going to speak to your elders that way, they have every right to do what they want to you. And a little tip, It's not YOUR day, princess. It is a day for you and your FH to get married. That is his grandma.

Trust me, if my grandmother spoke to my Fiance the way HGF's Fi's grandmother speaks to her, she wouldn't be WELCOME at my wedding. Please educate yourself on the history of someone's relationship before you pass judgement. This woman at HGF's BRIDAL SHOWER had the audacity to say she missed his ex and always hoped they would get married. If someone of my family thought that way about me and my FI, then I would no longer have a relationship with them. Unfortunately HGF'S FI's grandmother is boardering senile and says incredibly hurtful things to HGF.

HisGirlFriday13 · September 2013

Robloveshallie said:

With the way she spoke to her, if I was her grandmother I wouldn't even come. If you are going to speak to your elders that way, they have every right to do what they want to you. And a little tip, It's not YOUR day, princess. It is a day for you and your FH to get married. That is his grandma.

First bold: I should be so lucky. And you know what? I'll speak to anyone I want however I want. FI's grandmother made her bed when she told me, the day we announced our engagement, "You may marry him, but you'll never be part of the family, and I don't have to like you." She's right; she doesn't. But not liking me means not seeing me and not seeing me means not seeing FI. So, reap what you sow.

Second bold: Yep. It's our day, to get married. Not her day to have a party or invite people to randomly. OUR day. And since FI has my back on this and told his grandmother she had overstepped her boundaries as well, I think we have this well in hand, but thanks for your sanctimony.

Dreamergirl8812 · September 2013

Robloveshallie said:

With the way she spoke to her, if I was her grandmother I wouldn't even come. If you are going to speak to your elders that way, they have every right to do what they want to you. And a little tip, It's not YOUR day, princess. It is a day for you and your FH to get married. That is his grandma.

Oh lord. I'm watching this slow motion implosion.

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