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Etiquette

Dad's sort-of-fiance wants her parents invited - who I DON'T know.

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Re: Dad's sort-of-fiance wants her parents invited - who I DON'T know.

  • Jen4948 said:




    Jen4948 said:

    I'd decline the help if you really don't want these people invited.

    I'm sorry you have to go through this.

    She's not going through anything. Her parents are giving her thousands of dollars and want to invite their parents. I can't believe this is even a thread.

    As I said to the OP, decline the help if you really don't want these people invited.  If she wants to accept the help, she needs to invite them.  If she doesn't want to invite them because of their drinking, then yes, she is "going through it."

    Get over yourself already and drop the fucking hostile 'tude you've been leaving all over the forum lately.



    Well this seems like a bit of an overreaction. If you're looking for a "hostile 'tude" I suggest you find a mirror.
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
    southernbelle0915PrettyGirlLostDreamergirl8812Ajuliana
  • Ok sssooo here's what I would do...

    If u need the $5000, then I would suck it up and invite them. BBUUTT if the money wasn't NEEDED - meaning u could adjust ur budget to do without $2500 then I would have a sit down conversation with my dad and his FI, declining her half of $5000 explaining to her in a polite, respectful way why I was declining the money. Look I'm all about etiquette. I'm about doing things the right way. But weddings r so personal, and I would not dare be uncomfortable at my own wedding in order to make someone else feel comfortable. If these r people that u or ur FI don't know, and u really don't want them there, then don't invite them, but don't accept her money either.

    Also I have a B list and a C list. My family is HUGE and spread out across america, even my FI and I dont live in the same state right now. I have a maximum number that I'm not willing to go over for my wedding, so my A list of guest include those we really want there. Whoever doesnt come from my A list will make room for My B list, which include guest who live in or out of town, but who we dont think will really come for whatever reason. And my C list includes those people that we know, but really don't like...LoL.

    Look I'm almost 40 and I'm paying for my own wedding, so I'm not about to be uncomfortable for the sake of being polite. But that's just me.

    I wish u luck and hope it works out for the best.
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    cidefi said:
    Ok sssooo here's what I would do... If u need the $5000, then I would suck it up and invite them. BBUUTT if the money wasn't NEEDED - meaning u could adjust ur budget to do without $2500 then I would have a sit down conversation with my dad and his FI, declining her half of $5000 explaining to her in a polite, respectful way why I was declining the money. Look I'm all about etiquette. I'm about doing things the right way. But weddings r so personal, and I would not dare be uncomfortable at my own wedding in order to make someone else feel comfortable. If these r people that u or ur FI don't know, and u really don't want them there, then don't invite them, but don't accept her money either. Also I have a B list and a C list. My family is HUGE and spread out across america, even my FI and I dont live in the same state right now. I have a maximum number that I'm not willing to go over for my wedding, so my A list of guest include those we really want there. Whoever doesnt come from my A list will make room for My B list, which include guest who live in or out of town, but who we dont think will really come for whatever reason. And my C list includes those people that we know, but really don't like...LoL. Look I'm almost 40 and I'm paying for my own wedding, so I'm not about to be uncomfortable for the sake of being polite. But that's just me. I wish u luck and hope it works out for the best.
    Yes, you and your cash bar and your C list (I've never even heard if this), not to mention your atrocious "this is MY DAY" attitude are "all about etiquette". image

    But seriously, OP, this is bad advice. Your dad and his FI have joint money so declining "her half" of the money is rude and if I were your father and you came to me with this suggestion, I'd laugh in your face. As other PPs have said, your choices are to shut your mouth and invite the parents or decline the money all together. 

    And please, stop being so judgey towards other people's relationships. You sound like a brat. 
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
    PrettyGirlLostdoeydomelbelleupAjuliana
  • I'm not being rude. I'm just saying what I would do. I didn't tell the bride what to do, and she's not completely paying for her wedding. So her situation is not like mine. I totally agree that if someone is helping u pay for something, then u should consider their wishes. I only suggested that if she really didn't want those people at here wedding, then to not accept the money.

    And I stand by my statement..."its what I would do if I were in that situation".
  • How would they find out...LoL?? Life is not that serious all the time people. I'm spending my money own my wedding. I want people there to celebrate with me and my new husband because their happy for us, and want to see our marriage succeed, not for free booze and because they didn't feel like cooking that night. I am not about to spend thousands of dollars in order to be polite but be uncomfortable, r u kidding?? My lists r my way of organizing my thoughts, and I don't see anything wrong with that. Everybody has those people in their lives that they really don't care for, but have to deal with on some occasions. Well this is MY wedding, and I'm choosing to be happy and comfortable not stressed and miserable. And that does not make me rude.
  • Yes SHESSOCOLD I am calling it MY DAY, because that is exactly what it is MY WEDDING DAY for me and my FH, and our children. The bride asked a question, and I responded by telling her what I WOULD DO. I didn't say she had to it my way, I didn't say my way was the right way. I'm just answering a question. My father has been married to the same woman for 25 years and I love her. She has adult children, but I'm not inviting them to my wedding at all. I don't consider them immediate family, and 2 of the 3 don't live close by so I really don't think that they would come anyway. Its not that I dislike them or that dislike me, it just is. I'm not wasting my time, energy, or budget like that.
  • Oh and BTW SHESSOCOLD, I never said I was having a cash bar at my wedding. I said I didn't have a problem with people who do. If ur gonna usemy words against me, please get them right. Thanks so much~
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    cidefi said:
    Ok sssooo here's what I would do... If u need the $5000, then I would suck it up and invite them. BBUUTT if the money wasn't NEEDED - meaning u could adjust ur budget to do without $2500 then I would have a sit down conversation with my dad and his FI, declining her half of $5000 explaining to her in a polite, respectful way why I was declining the money. Look I'm all about etiquette. I'm about doing things the right way. But weddings r so personal, and I would not dare be uncomfortable at my own wedding in order to make someone else feel comfortable. If these r people that u or ur FI don't know, and u really don't want them there, then don't invite them, but don't accept her money either. Also I have a B list and a C list. My family is HUGE and spread out across america, even my FI and I dont live in the same state right now. I have a maximum number that I'm not willing to go over for my wedding, so my A list of guest include those we really want there. Whoever doesnt come from my A list will make room for My B list, which include guest who live in or out of town, but who we dont think will really come for whatever reason. And my C list includes those people that we know, but really don't like...LoL. Look I'm almost 40 and I'm paying for my own wedding, so I'm not about to be uncomfortable for the sake of being polite. But that's just me. I wish u luck and hope it works out for the best.
    All evidence to the contrary.



    PrettyGirlLostdoeydoNYCMercedes
  • Having things the way u want them to be when u r spending ur own money is not being rude or pushy. It's getting exactly what u paid for. Like I've said in other threads...weddings r very personal. And every couple does things they way they see fit for them. Yes etiquette is very very important. Believe me when I say that. But I feel like couples need to access their situations and do what's best for them. This is a forum, where people come to get ideas, tips, and suggestions. Not to be attacked by the Wedding Ninjas because they didn't follow complete proper etiquette. I never ever come on here and try to tell people what to do. I always try talk about what I would do if I were in that situation. Not everything I say is correct...true. But I believe in a Wedding and that day being a memory of joy and happiness for years to come. Not me looking back at pictures regretting decisions or choices made to make everyone else happy. Yes it is OUR DAY, and I'm gonna do everything possible to make it a great day following proper etiquette or not.
  • I know I am. Thanks for taking notice :-) Ur such a doll!!


  • All evidence to the contrary.


    Meaning what?
  • cidefi, it stops being just YOUR day when you invite other people. If you are not prepared to be a good hostess who takes special care and pride in making her guests comfortable, then don't have guests.

    It makes no sense at all to say you care about people and want them present on your day but then to turn around and say their comfort isn't important if it's at all an inconvenience to you.

    If you want to have guests there to look at you and "ooh" and "ahh" and celebrate with you, you owe it to them to be a good hostess.

    Ranking people with B (and C) lists is rude. If people find out (which they will. Don't delude yourself), it tells them that they weren't good enough to be invited the first time around. It means they were only good enough to come and fill a seat because Aunt Penny couldn't come. It also tells the people on the A list who declined that they are replaceable.
    Also, it usually involves sending out invites to the A list early, giving them an insanely early RSVP dates. It makes you come off as really self important to people if you're telling them they need to commit to your wedding two months in advance. And it also means people on later lists will get much shorter notice, so you're treating them like their time isn't important. The whole thing is a mess.

    Being an adult means making touch decisions. Drafting a single, final copy of a guest list involves those adult decisions.


    And OP by NO means should you sit down with your dad and tell him that you only want to decline his fiancee's money. That is a huge slap in the face to her. They are a social unit and obviously they view their accounts jointly. Doing this could seriously cause a dent in the relationship.

    It's just two people; two people who are likely important in your father and FSM's life. And I don't know your FSM's family's situation, but I know that my SM's parents, despite having three children, weren't blessed with any grandchildren. I found out after the fact that it meant a lot to them to be invited. Regardless of the situation, you could really touch your future step-parents.

    If you're going to accept your father's money, I think it would be a very kind gesture to show him you also accept his new family by inviting them.
    PrettyGirlLostdoeydo
  • cidefi said:
    How would they find out...LoL?? Life is not that serious all the time people. I'm spending my money own my wedding. I want people there to celebrate with me and my new husband because their happy for us, and want to see our marriage succeed, not for free booze and because they didn't feel like cooking that night. I am not about to spend thousands of dollars in order to be polite but be uncomfortable, r u kidding?? My lists r my way of organizing my thoughts, and I don't see anything wrong with that. Everybody has those people in their lives that they really don't care for, but have to deal with on some occasions. Well this is MY wedding, and I'm choosing to be happy and comfortable not stressed and miserable. And that does not make me rude.
    Did you print out different invitations with different RSVP dates, because it is very obvious that you've been B-listed when you get an invite with only a week to the deadline.  But hey, who cares if people know that they don't matter, right? 

    By the way, the words are "you" and "are."  They really aren't that difficult to spell.  If you really are 40, you should have picked that up along the way.
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    daveANDkristenmrskaiser22libby2483
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    cidefi said:
    I know I am. Thanks for taking notice :-) Ur such a doll!!
    I don't believe you're actually 40.  Maybe 17.



    PrettyGirlLostmrskaiser22doeydo
  • OK LET ME MAKE MYSELF PERFECTLY CLEAR.

    I MADE 3 LIST... LIST A IS FOR THOSE PEOPLE THAT ME AND MY FH KNOW WILL COME WITHOUT ANY DOUBT. LIST B IS THOSE PEOPLE WE ARE NOT SURE ABOUT BECAUSE THEY EITHER LIVE IN OTHER COUNTIES OR ACROSS THE COUNTRY OR WHATEVER THEIR REASON MY BE. LIST C IS A LIST OF PEOPLE (family members) THAT WE REALLY DON'T WANT AT THE WEDDING FOR WHATEVER REASONS. MY invitations are going to mailed out early, so that our guest can make appropite travel plans for themselves and their children being that school will still in session and because we have a lot of military family members. No I'm not mailing out 3 different lists. I'm using 3 different list to organize the OVERALL guestlist. PLEASE STOP TWISTING THIS UP!!!
    KittyKaty20
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    You're not helping yourself, cidefi.



    KeptInStitchesPrettyGirlLostmrskaiser22NYCMercedes
  • Uumm excuse u BLUE, but I'm typing in shorthand which is very common. Please release the stick from UR ass on my typing skills.
  • Wow really PDKH!! U people r calling me rude. But ur the 1's posting pictures and insulting me...wow this is laughable. Its great to see people get attacked for disagreeing with majority.

    I am not disrespecting my guest by making lists in order to organize myself and keep track of things. I don't feel like it would disrespectful to decline money that was being given with stipulations. Hell if I were in the bride's shoes I would have offened by the SM's demands, but again that's just me and I don't know the entire situation.

    This is really stupid and childish to me, and I won't be responding to any more of ur comments.

    To the orginal poster, I really do hope that ur situation works out, and that ur wedding day turns out to eveything u hoped and planned for.

    U all have a great night and be blessed
  • auriannaaurianna member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited September 2013
    Cidefi, generally the term "B-list" here carries the connotation that you're sending out a second wave of invites after the first set starts returning "no's".
    If you in fact just mean you made mental lists before creating the final list and are only sending out one set of invites, then I apologize for jumping to conclusions.

    Though, I wouldn't send your invites out much more than 2 months in advance. People tend to lose them. If you didn't send out save the dates, you can spread the date by word of mouth to the people you think will need extra time.
    blueobsidianPrettyGirlLostdoeydomelbelleup
  • OP: I would either invite the 2 extra guests, or decline the money. I agree with the other posters about clueing the Bartender in on those guests who have a tendency to over-imbibe.

    At the risk of taking some MAJOR fire now, I, too, have a series of lists I've created to organize my over-all guest list. Nobody but my fiancé, my parents (who are paying for the wedding), and myself will ever see this list. We are not sending Save the Dates to everyone-essentially only family and our very close friends. Our guest list has to be 200 or fewer heads; we are currently at 186.

    I will be sending the Save the Dates out before November, as I don't want to compete with holiday greeting cards. Additionally, on my side of the list, there are 3 of us engaged cousins, all planning 2014 weddings, so I'm hoping to give our relatives out-of-state ample time to plan.

    In any event, I sincerely hope I've typed everything correctly.

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    cidefi
  • arrippaarrippa Sam Adams Craft Commonwealth member
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited September 2013

    Wow, I am shocked that we are in the same age bracket. I was convinced that between your "it's my day" tantrum and your habit of text speak that you are 19. I guess age doesn't equal maturity.

    Also, it's not called shorthand, it's called text speak. I know shorthand and this isn't shorthand.


    PrettyGirlLostRebeccaB88mrskaiser22melbelleup
  • cidefi said:
    OK LET ME MAKE MYSELF PERFECTLY CLEAR.  
    You weren't clear before and that was a problem.  B-listing is super rude.  It's when a host sends out invites to additional people after receiving declines from the "A-list" who otherwise weren't important enough to invite in the first place.  What you are referring to isn't B-listing.  Stop calling it that and people won't tell you what a bad idea it is.
    Formerly known as flutterbride2b
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    doeydomelbelleup
  • cidefi said:
    OK LET ME MAKE MYSELF PERFECTLY CLEAR. I MADE 3 LIST... LIST A IS FOR THOSE PEOPLE THAT ME AND MY FH KNOW WILL COME WITHOUT ANY DOUBT. LIST B IS THOSE PEOPLE WE ARE NOT SURE ABOUT BECAUSE THEY EITHER LIVE IN OTHER COUNTIES OR ACROSS THE COUNTRY OR WHATEVER THEIR REASON MY BE. LIST C IS A LIST OF PEOPLE (family members) THAT WE REALLY DON'T WANT AT THE WEDDING FOR WHATEVER REASONS. MY invitations are going to mailed out early, so that our guest can make appropite travel plans for themselves and their children being that school will still in session and because we have a lot of military family members. No I'm not mailing out 3 different lists. I'm using 3 different list to organize the OVERALL guestlist. PLEASE STOP TWISTING THIS UP!!!

    I'm going to ignore the rest of this ridiculousness, and ask why on earth you would even bother MAKING a list full of people that you don't want to be there?????  if you don't want them there, why would you ever consider inviting them?  It sounds like your C list is completely unnecessary.

     

    i mean what would you rather have: a wedding with 100 guests, all of whom you want to be there, or a wedding with 130 guests, 30 of which you don't want to be there???  THIS DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.  B-listing is bad enough.  Drop the C-list entirely, and be happy with a smaller guest count if it comes to that.

    Is your "A-list" your maximum?  Because it sounds like the B-list is full of people who have a long trip so you just don't think they would want to come - i wouldn't make that decision for them if you don't have to.  You'd be surprised how many people would actually come to your wedding from far away.  You should let them make that decision themselves (assuming you have the space), and just invite them in the first place.

    PrettyGirlLostdoeydo
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