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Wedding Etiquette Forum
MGP
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What your actions say to your guests - everything you need to know in one place
Piggybacking off of the on point cash bar thread, I give to you the guide of what your actions of bad etiquette say to your guests. They may not say it to your face or ever bring it up with you, but I guarantee you your relationship with them will change to some extent. I don't think it's any coincidence that the people who treated their guests like crap at their wedding are usually the ones that complain they don't have any friends a few years down the road.
Remember perception is reality. I have said it before and I will say it again - you ALWAYS have the option to do the right thing. It may take some tough decisions and sacrifice but will always serve you and your guests best in the long run.
Invitation to shower but not the wedding - "you are not good enough for me to host you on my special day, but I really want to celebrate my marriage with you so I will have someone else host you on their dime. But since this is a gift giving event I do expect a gift. In fact, go ahead and spring for a REALLY nice one considering this is the only wedding related event you are invited to."
Invitation to ceremony but not reception - "you are good enough to watch me get married but not good enough to host you at the reception so I will give you the "honor" of coming to the ceremony since it costs pretty much nothing for me to host you there. But I am expecting a gift so remember to bring it with you to the ceremony."
Invitation to the reception but not ceremony - "you are not good enough to watch me get married but I guess you are good enough to come to the reception. Don't forget your gift and it better be nice because I am actually spending money to host you there."
Invitation to a tiered reception - "you are not good enough to watch me get married OR for me to host you at the reception, but good enough to come towards the end so I don't actually have to include you in the head count. If you are lucky you can get a piece of stale cake. But don't forget your gift because technically you were invited to at least part of the wedding."
Gap between ceremony and reception - "our ceremony site had to be booked early but we want all the trimmings of an evening reception so find something to do for a few hours. Sorry we didn't have the foresight to think that some of our guests would need to pay for a few extra hours for a babysitter, go home and let their pets out, or just find some way to kill time in dressy clothes in the middle of the afternoon. But it's our day and we will do what we want."
Cash bar - "we either a) over invited, b) didn't budget correctly, c) don't want to make cuts in other areas or d) all of the above. But since we are such gracious hosts we will give our guests the option of drinking because dry weddings are so boring! And since we won't be footing the bill, no well drinks here. Top shelf for all! Hope you brought your wallets!"
Honeymoon registries, honeymoon jars, dollar dances, etc. - "give us money. Lots of it. On top of what you have already spent to get to the wedding and the gift. And we will soften the blow by asking for it in a "cutesy" poem."
I'm sure there are more just thought I would throw a few out for entertainment. I really like this board, never used The Knot when I got married 7 years ago but was ran off from The Bump by some crazies. Hope you will let me stay. 
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Re: What your actions say to your guests - everything you need to know in one place
Nice. Hope we can sticky this.
Here's some more:
No meal served at a reception during a meal time: Our poor planning and budgeting means that you get to starve. Not happy with the cheese and cracker platter with a side of Chex party mix for dinner? Too bad.
No reception at all. Not even cake and punch: We're too busy to be bothered with interacting with and thanking our guests. We think it's a honor that you even got invited to the ceremony. Why would we waste our money giving you free food and entertainment? Please leave you gift on the gift table. Buh-bye now.
Pay for your own meal at the reception or rehearsal dinner: What do you think we are? Made of money? Sure, you travelled to our wedding and took off from work, but why would we feed you on our dime? Don't you know we have bills to pay?
Oh I have one!
"Adults only" listed on invites: "We think you're too stupid to realize that if your kids aren't listed on the invitation then they aren't invited. So we'll spell it out for you. Because you know, you're stupid."
After 6 years and 2 boys, finally tying the knot on October 27th, 2013!
There should be a caveat on the reception no ceremony one though.
It is perfectly acceptable to have a truly private ceremony with a larger reception to follow. Private meaning family only (parents, siblings/SOs, nieces/nephews, grandparents), less than 15 people with maybe an MOH/BM.
I MUST have my ceremony at this lovely garden. Pictures are my number-one priority. But renting chairs is expensive, so you can just all stand for an hour and watch. If your feet hurt, I don't care. It's my special day!
Great post!
Got another one, those this is more about bridesmaids than guests.
Giving your attendants their day of jewelry/accessories as their thank you gift: "I know you've spent lots of time and money on my wedding. Which is exactly what I expected of you. Here's some beautiful jewelry/shoes/professional hair & makeup/soft silky robes/matching hoodies as my thank you gift. The catch is you have to wear it during my wedding because you must look exactly like I want you too for my wedding. That's thank you enough."
After 6 years and 2 boys, finally tying the knot on October 27th, 2013!
Oh I'm on a roll!
Assigning guests honor positions: "You can man the guestbook table/gift table/pass out programs. You were an afterthought so giving you such a crap job should make you feel special enough. Even though you weren't good enough for an actual honor position."
After 6 years and 2 boys, finally tying the knot on October 27th, 2013!
If nobody chooses to throw you a shower, unfortunately, that's your bad luck. And fiances are not supposed to organize showers for their spouses-to-be, and no shower should take place at the home of the bride because she is presumed to be hosting under those conditions.
Showers are a gift to the bride, not a party she throws for herself, because a polite person does not solicit gifts from others. (PS-the reason a gift registry passes etiquette muster-and there are many instances in which it doesn't-is because the couple isn't actually asking for gifts, but indicating their preferences should someone choose to give them one.) Gifts are optional-even for weddings. You have no right to expect anyone to give you gifts at all.
As long as you're not hosting your own what's the big deal? While I know a shower is technically meant to shower the guest of honor with gifts, it's also meant to celebrate the new life that's entering the world. Plus, the guest of honor is different each time technically. I really didn't want a shower when I was pregnant with my 2nd (almost exactly 3 years apart and both boys) but my FMIL really really really wanted to throw me a surprise shower (her words, as my FI told me. He told me since he knows I'm not big on surprises). As far as she knows, it really was a surprise. I couldn't control that. It's not like I was going to turn around and leave saying "This is against etiquette. I cannot be here for such blasphemy!"
I'll admit I don't know the true etiquette, but how is this much different than having multiple wedding showers, or a shower for a 2nd marriage, etc?
After 6 years and 2 boys, finally tying the knot on October 27th, 2013!
The reason Baby Showers after the 1st child are seen as a faux pas or rude is because they come across as totally gift grabby. . . I mean, if you already have a child, shouldn't you already have all of the stuff that you need for a child (crib, carseat, stroller, baby bjorns, rocking chair, toys, etc) with the exception of clothes if the 2ns child is a different gender?
You can't really equate 2nd and 3rd baby showers to multiple wedding showers; multiple bridal showers can be thrown by different people for a single wedding event. So you could have different people throw you multiple baby showers, but all for your 1st child, kwim?
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."