Bridesmaid got new Ink

GamerGirl82 · September 2013

One of my bridesmaids already had one tattoo in an easily covered area (and it will be covered by the dresses) She had always talked about not wanting to get another anytime soon. Well low and behold she surprised everyone by getting an extremely visible one on her neck. I'm not sure how to proceed. I do not want visible tattoos in the wedding party, everyone was made well aware of this ahead of time. Is it rude of me to tell her she'll need to wear her hairstyled or makeup to cover it up for wedding? I think more than anything I'm hurt that she would do something like this 3 months before the wedding knowing I didn't want any tattoos showing.

chibiyui · September 2013

It's her body. She may do what she wants with it.

Since you made it known you didn't want visible tattoos showing, you may ask her to cover it. Offer to cover the cost of the hairstyling (of course, if you do this you probably should offer to cover anyone else who gets their hair done professionally that day as well)

GamerGirl82 · September 2013

Oh I should add I actually like the ink, and if she had gotten it the day after the wedding I would have been pleased as punch for her. Though I really don't feel the burden of cost should be placed on me to pay for the cover up, she knew before she got it done It wasn't desired.

simplykayla · September 2013

It's her body, she can do what she wants with it. You have no right to tell a BM that she cannot have visible tattoos at your wedding, and then get upset when she chooses to get a tattoo in a visible place. That's ridiculous. It would be very rude of you to ask her to cover it, regardless of the fact that she knew you didn't want visible tattoos. Sorry, but her life does not revolve around your wedding.

GamerGirl82 · September 2013

The fact is , we all sat down and discussed it on the front end. Everyone agreed to not get their hair cut really short or add any new ink in a visible spot until after the wedding. They all knew the general vibe I was going for. I am asking her to cover it up now because she went against what she originally agreed to do, If she doesn't want to cover it, she can not be in the wedding plain and simple. She knew what she was doing when she did it. She knew it would hurt me and did it anyways. As a friend I'm asking her to cover it up that;s how I can have her stay in the wedding, if she can'twon't cover it up then she's not being a very good friend to me to begin with and probably doesn't need to be in the bridal party.

simplykayla · September 2013

GamerGirl82 said:

The fact is , we all sat down and discussed it on the front end. Everyone agreed to not get their hair cut really short or add any new ink in a visible spot until after the wedding. They all knew the general vibe I was going for. I am asking her to cover it up now because she went against what she originally agreed to do, If she doesn't want to cover it, she can not be in the wedding plain and simple. She knew what she was doing when she did it. She knew it would hurt me and did it anyways. As a friend I'm asking her to cover it up that;s how I can have her stay in the wedding, if she can'twon't cover it up then she's not being a very good friend to me to begin with and probably doesn't need to be in the bridal party.

It doesn't matter what you agreed it. It's her body, she had a right to get a tattoo.

And wow, really? You would kick her out just for getting a tattoo? You must not care much about her then, because asking her to cover up a tattoo or kicking her out if she doesn't isn't very friendly of you. BMs aren't just pretty little props for your wedding, made to look however you want. They're supposed to be your nearest and dearest, and you should treat them as such.

Do yourself a favor and read this post about another bride wanting to cover up a BMs tattoo.

Viczaesar · September 2013

GamerGirl82 said:

The fact is , we all sat down and discussed it on the front end. Everyone agreed to not get their hair cut really short or add any new ink in a visible spot until after the wedding. They all knew the general vibe I was going for. I am asking her to cover it up now because she went against what she originally agreed to do, If she doesn't want to cover it, she can not be in the wedding plain and simple. She knew what she was doing when she did it. She knew it would hurt me and did it anyways. As a friend I'm asking her to cover it up that;s how I can have her stay in the wedding, if she can'twon't cover it up then she's not being a very good friend to me to begin with and probably doesn't need to be in the bridal party.

Well, you were super out of line and selfish to request that to begin with. This is not a play you're putting on. You're not filming it for general studio release. You're getting married. You should have asked your friends to stand next to you because you want to honor your relationship with them and can't imagine getting married without them, not because they're accessories. It's HER body. You get no say about what she does with it, and her not being willing to cover up part of her personal expression for you doesn't make her a bad friend.. Kicking her out because she doesn't want to jawohl to what you demand she do with her body would make you one, however.

Blue_Bird · September 2013

You sound just awful.

How to proceed? Go ahead and kick her out. You will not only be doing her a favor by removing such a self-centered, immature person from her life, but you will be showing your true colors to everyone else you know. It's a win-win.

cordsniper · September 2013

You sound like a hideous human being. It's not okay for you to dictate the lives of your friends just because you have blocked off the entire year for your wedding. No one cares that much about your day but you. Grow up.

GamerGirl82 · September 2013

I sound awful? So you and a group of friends get together and set out some guidelines and rules to make a project you are working on go more smoothly. Everyone all agrees yes these are good rules, these are reasonable rules, these are rules we can live by for the next 4 months. Then one person decides to say F the rules because I can and I don't care how much it hurts anyone else. They know the actions they are taking are something that could have waited to take in a few more months to avoid harming anyone else in the current group. Instead they decided to do it now when it will most greatly impact the group as a whole. Yes someone is immature in this group. I can assure you it is not the ones setting and following the rules though. I don't want to kick her out, I want her to do what she agreed to do on the front end which is cover up the tattoo she already had (its covered by the shrug she's wearing) and that now by proxy she will need to cover up the neck tattoo I assume with makeup and fancy hair styling. I want her in the wedding, I don't want to kick her out of it she is a dear friend. She however is putting me into a position to make some very unpleasant choices or worse loose a friend by her actions.

Viczaesar · September 2013

GamerGirl82 said:

I sound awful? So you and a group of friends get together and set out some guidelines and rules to make a project you are working on go more smoothly. Everyone all agrees yes these are good rules, these are reasonable rules, these are rules we can live by for the next 4 months. Then one person decides to say F the rules because I can and I don't care how much it hurts anyone else. They know the actions they are taking are something that could have waited to take in a few more months to avoid harming anyone else in the current group. Instead they decided to do it now when it will most greatly impact the group as a whole. Yes someone is immature in this group. I can assure you it is not the ones setting and following the rules though. I don't want to kick her out, I want her to do what she agreed to do on the front end which is cover up the tattoo she already had (its covered by the shrug she's wearing) and that now by proxy she will need to cover up the neck tattoo I assume with makeup and fancy hair styling. I want her in the wedding, I don't want to kick her out of it she is a dear friend. She however is putting me into a position to make some very unpleasant choices or worse loose a friend by her actions.

Nope. You're absolutely in the wrong here. She's not putting you in any position; you're choosing to put yourself in the position of being a douchy friend.

Lowell14 · September 2013

I'm curious to know the size and location of the tattoo...is it a small symbol/initial on the back/base of neck or is it a covering any part of the sides or front of the neck?

kmmssg · September 2013

You laid down rules about hair length too? You are using them as props for your pictures, not honoring them as friends. Bridezilla much? If you would throw a friendship away over a tattoo you have some screwed up priorities.

AddieCake · September 2013

Your bridesmaid having visible tats showing will affect your wedding day zero percent. Go have a margarita.

melbelleup · September 2013

Ummmmm if it's on her neck... it won't be in any pictures.. that's all that really matters. let it go.

grumbledore · September 2013

GamerGirl82 said:
The fact is , we all sat down and discussed it on the front end. Everyone agreed to not get their hair cut really short or add any new ink in a visible spot until after the wedding. They all knew the general vibe I was going for. I am asking her to cover it up now because she went against what she originally agreed to do, If she doesn't want to cover it, she can not be in the wedding plain and simple. She knew what she was doing when she did it. She knew it would hurt me and did it anyways. As a friend I'm asking her to cover it up that;s how I can have her stay in the wedding, if she can'twon't cover it up then she's not being a very good friend to me to begin with and probably doesn't need to be in the bridal party.

Repeat after me: "My wedding is not the focal point of anyone else's existence. I cannot dictate months of behavior and choices for my loved ones. I will lay off the crazy pills."

melbelleup · September 2013

GamerGirl82 said:

The fact is , we all sat down and discussed it on the front end. Everyone agreed to not get their hair cut really short or add any new ink in a visible spot until after the wedding. They all knew the general vibe I was going for. I am asking her to cover it up now because she went against what she originally agreed to do, If she doesn't want to cover it, she can not be in the wedding plain and simple. She knew what she was doing when she did it. She knew it would hurt me and did it anyways. As a friend I'm asking her to cover it up that;s how I can have her stay in the wedding, if she can'twon't cover it up then she's not being a very good friend to me to begin with and probably doesn't need to be in the bridal party.

I would totally get my hair cut short and get inked. then drop out of your wedding the day before. eat it.

SomethingBeautiful08 · September 2013

We would be giving you the same advice if you had insisted they buy an excessively expencive dress, purchase specific shoes or told them to lose weight. Bottom line bridesmaids are not props.

What are you concerned about with the tatoos? Them being in pictures? You know that they are easy enough to photo shop out, especially if other similarly toned skin would be showing nearby.

Are you worried that others might judge them or judge you? They aren't trying to run for office or sell houses. Does the venue(s) have rules against visible tattoos? If not, don't worry about it. I was just at a wedding where several bridesmaids had tattoos on their shoulders. While not my "cup of tea" it was fine and I certainly didn't judge the bride.

crunchymamaof2 · September 2013

These girls are not your props or hired help. You chose them because they're your closest friends. You chose them because you wanted them standing beside you in support of your marriage.

Scratch that. You chose them to fulfill a certain look apparently.

The fact that you even set rules at all is disgusting. It shows how much you don't care about them as people and only care about them as props for your special day. It's a free country and they can do whatever they damn well please with their bodies anytime they want. You are being the immature, selfish one. You are choosing to let this ruin your day. She didn't ruin it.

I'd like to know what you would do if one of them had a health issue with visible scars or blemishes. Would you kick them out too? What if one of them ends up with a massive pimple making them look like Rudolph and she won't cover it because her skin reacts to the makeup? Kick her out too?

Your wedding is not a "project". There is no sitting down with your bridal party to make rules. You either appreciate your friends for who they are or you don't. And apparently, from this post, you don't.

ETA: But I do agree with you on one thing. You shouldn't have to pay for the cover up. Because you shouldn't be making her cover it up at all. The ONLY instance where this would be okay is if your ceremony was in a church that required certain dress or no tattoos/piercings. Even then you'd be responsible for getting her some type of wrap or shawl (or picking a dress that covers it) for the ceremony only.

MrsLillyG · September 2013

I get about how you care what the bms will look like on your wedding. On my wedding day and the months before I received many shocked responses from bms and my mom when I would say things like, "Wear your hair how you want, wear whatever shoes you want, I don't care what jewelry you wear".... so I'm thinking it is more the norm in their lives that brides care a lot more about what heir BMs look like.

To make you feel better: Most people at your ceremony will be looking at you and not your BMs. So I think that you don't need to worry about her tattoo.

If you still want it covered up, buy them all pashminas or something for the ceremony.

If you really don't think that she will care about wearing her hair down-I suppose you can go for that. I know that my BMs wouldn't have cared. I am thinking that since you posted on the knot about wondering if it would be rude, youre not sure about her reaction though.

jneen101 · September 2013

Yikes, I really can't imagine telling my bridesmaids that they couldn't cut their hair how they wanted it. I don't really see how one bridesmaid's tattoo changes the "vibe" of the wedding either. Are people even really going to see it? And so what if they do? I guess I don't see what the issue is.

banana468 · September 2013

I refuse to believe that this is real. No one really believes it's OK to control the appearance of their wedding party v this much on the wedding DAY much less for the months prior to it, right?

jneen101 · September 2013

I don't know....after I read that post where the bride was furious that her fiance's sister got engaged like 10 days before the wedding I guess I can believe anything. I read a lot of really crazy stuff on these forums and I guess all those people are real. Sometimes I think maybe I'm the weird one because I would never tell someone they had to wear their hair a certain way, but a lot of people do that, so maybe it is normal and I'm weird.

chibiyui · September 2013

Unless that is your friends new tattoo, I can assure you it won't ruin any pictures, and any guests who have a fit about visible tattoos are dicks. Calm down, don't kick her out of the party, and if it bothers you that much, pay to have everyones hair done in a nice, down-do so it doesn't look like your singling her out. No friendship is worth breaking up with over a tattoo. (Out of curiosity, did you talk to her about why she got it done? I know a lot of my friends get tats done after significant life events, personal goals, epiphanies etc. Can you see how, esp. if this significant to her, you freaking out over it is extremely hurtful? Even if it was a just for the hell of it tat, it's her body. )

MrsLillyG · September 2013

banana468 said:

I refuse to believe that this is real. No one really believes it's OK to control the appearance of their wedding party v this much on the wedding DAY much less for the months prior to it, right?

One of my friends is in a wedding and the bride is making all the Bms go to kickboxing 3x a week. She thinks its crazy but doesn't mind because she has already lost weight!

misssunshine17 · September 2013

MrsLillyG said:

show previous quotes

banana468 said:

I refuse to believe that this is real. No one really believes it's OK to control the appearance of their wedding party v this much on the wedding DAY much less for the months prior to it, right?

One of my friends is in a wedding and the bride is making all the Bms go to kickboxing 3x a week. She thinks its crazy but doesn't mind because she has already lost weight!

Oh my god. People are such douchebags. OP, take a hint and let it go. You need more tequila in your life.

loves2shop4shoes · September 2013

They are not your army of Barbie Doll minions. They are PEOPLE who have a right to do WHATEVER they want with their bodies.

If YOU value APPEARANCE more than her friendship, YOU'RE not a very good friend.

How dare you ask that no one cut their hair short or get tattoos!

YOU'RE in the wrong, and are being RUDE.

allispain · September 2013

I guarantee you, unless her tattoo is like the one that Abby on NCIS has on her neck (a giant spiderweb covering one entire side of her neck) no one will notice or care about the fact that one of your BMs has a tattoo.

One of mine has several tattoos - some were covered by the dress she chose to wear while others were not. Specifically, she has one on her wrist and one of the back of her neck that were not covered. They do not ruin any pictures (you can't even see them in the pictures), she did not look out of place, and it would have been so selfish and ridiculous of me to ask her to cover them up that I can't even imagine doing so. She asked me if I wanted her to cover them - I looked at her like she was crazy. Why would I want her to pretend to be someone she isn't for the day? That's just silly.

mrsbuzzlightyear · September 2013

The only legitimate reason I could see asking a BM to either wait until after the wedding or be super-vigilant about covering up their tattoo is if your venue strictly forbids it (I'm sure there are some churches and such that have rules to that effect).

Are you sure she wasn't planning on covering it up for your wedding anyways?

GamerGirl82 · September 2013

The venue has a dress code and it does not allow for exposed tattoos, which is why I made the statement of no new ink to them when it wasn't an issue. Yes I asked them to grow their hair out a little, why? because I was going to pay for them all to have professional up styling and it would suck to be the one person who didn't get their hair done because it was too short to work with. Believe what you want, you can try to make this into me being a bridzilla and maybe I am being one, but she knew i was going to be upset before she did it. So much in the fact she texted me saying she knew I was going to be upset but she did it anyways. I have bent over backwards trying to help each one of them out with the wedding, off setting costs with my own money flat out buying things when she claims she didn't have the funds because I love her and want her there. Now when she didn't have the $40 for the BM dress or the $30 for the shoes she magically can come up with money for ink. So I'm pissed. I'll get over it.

MobKaz · September 2013

I would love to know what venue actually has restrictions on tattoos. What other personal appearance restrictions does this venue have? Why in the world would you select such a restrictive venue? Had either of my kids chosen a venue with such a restriction, their guest list would have been drastically reduced. How many of your guests have been eliminated because of this restriction?

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