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Tip Jars

GrrArghGrrArgh member
250 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 100 Comments Name Dropper
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
The cash bar thing has most of this handled, but this is slightly different. We were going to have one of the young men from the church youth who is saving for a mission trip work as a coat attendant for our winter wedding. My idea was we would pay him very well, but also put out a tip jar with a sign that says something to the effects of all proceeds go to fund his mission trip after graduation. My mom is butting heads with me on this says its tacky. And I guess I can see her point, but really is it so bad? It's going to a good cause after all.
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Re: Tip Jars

  • Ashes_3Ashes_3 member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 25 Love Its First Answer

    Don't do it. It is rude.Mom's right.

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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    Moderator 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
    OliveOilsMom said:

    You should be tipping the coat check kid in addition to what you are paying him.

    Exactly this.
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  • GrrArghGrrArgh member
    250 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 100 Comments Name Dropper
    We were going to tip him regardless of a jar, I was just trying to come up with a way to help additionally. Oh well!
    JaneAustensGhost said:
    I personally don't think it's a good cause and I'm sure there are others who feel as I do.   But that is beside the point.  It is rude to use your wedding as a fundraiser.
    So is that jab you just took. Your last sentence is all that was required to make your point, but I understand some people do not hold the same beliefs. I try to handle any differences from a positive perspective, makes one less bitter. 
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  • cowgirl8238cowgirl8238 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    johnson.kmarie said:
    We were going to tip him regardless of a jar, I was just trying to come up with a way to help additionally. Oh well!
    show previous quotes
    So is that jab you just took. Your last sentence is all that was required to make your point, but I understand some people do not hold the same beliefs. I try to handle any differences from a positive perspective, makes one less bitter. 

    That wasn't meant as a jab so much as the poster was providing their own personal reason for their answer.  Many posters do that here as a way to provide insight on how other people would feel and support their answers.  That being said, I agree with your mother in that a tip jar of any sort is rude at a wedding.  If you want to give him money than go ahead, but never expect your guests to open their wallets at a wedding!
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  • GrrArghGrrArgh member
    250 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 100 Comments Name Dropper
    Feeling the need to plug that into her response seemed unnecessary.  When literally the last statement she made was all that was needed to make the point. It's rude regardless of situation, I understand :-) She is correct in that aspect! Its been scratched, I was trying to help but you know what they say about good intentions. 95% of those attending my wedding have been on a mission at one or more times in their lives. The other 5% have always openly supported mission work, so while I understand she, who is not coming to the reception, does not feel it is a good cause. She is not the "audience" of this particular event so her opinion/feelings on the cause in question is irrelevant. 
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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    johnson.kmarie said:
    Feeling the need to plug that into her response seemed unnecessary.  When literally the last statement she made was all that was needed to make the point. It's rude regardless of situation, I understand :-) She is correct in that aspect! Its been scratched, I was trying to help but you know what they say about good intentions. 95% of those attending my wedding have been on a mission at one or more times in their lives. The other 5% have always openly supported mission work,   And we were supposed to know this, how?  You never stated it in your OP.  so while I understand she, who is not coming to the reception, does not feel it is a good cause. She is not the "audience" of this particular event so her opinion/feelings on the cause in question is irrelevant. They are absolutely relevant because you posted on a public forum and solicited the opinions of others!  You are coming across as condescending now because you received some feedback that you don't agree with and that doesn't validate your idea.
    Nothing that JaneAustensGhost said was bitter or rude in any way.  She simply stated an opinion and mentioned that others may feel the same way, in addition to just telling your your idea wasn't advisable.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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  • GrrArghGrrArgh member
    250 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 100 Comments Name Dropper
    I asked for opinions on the tip jar, not the cause the tip jar was supporting. But you're right, don't open the door if you do not want people to bring in their muddy boots. 
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    johnson.kmarie said:
    I asked for opinions on the tip jar, not the cause the tip jar was supporting. But you're right, don't open the door if you do not want people to bring in their muddy boots. 
    You posted on a public forum.  If you don't want opinions on certain things then don't post about them.  No one said anything that was rude.  Just because some on here do not support the cause that is being discussed does not mean that we are rude or mean or that we are wrong for thinking the way we do.

    Instead of getting all huffy about it, it is best to just ignore the opinions/ideas you do not like and keep the ones that you do.

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  • GrrArghGrrArgh member
    250 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 100 Comments Name Dropper
    I just said ya'll were right... 
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  • Dreamergirl8812Dreamergirl8812 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    Her point is valid: you can't read everyone's minds, which is another reason fundraiser weddings are a bad idea. She gave the same argument posters always give when OPs want to donate in lieu of favors. Not everyone will support your cause.



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  • GrrArghGrrArgh member
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    That dancing dog is ridiculously distracting :)
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  • mommapizanomommapizano member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    I think even though most will view it as a good cause, it's problematic because I think most guests would feel obligated to donate. I know I sure would. You just don't want to put guests in that position. I would just pay/tip him generously. 

    If he has any fundraisers or anything coming up, I would just support him in any way you can. 
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  • ViczaesarViczaesar member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    mrspizanotobe said:
    I think even though most will view it as a good cause, it's problematic because I think most guests would feel obligated to donate. I know I sure would. You just don't want to put guests in that position. I would just pay/tip him generously. 

    If he has any fundraisers or anything coming up, I would just support him in any way you can. 
    I disagree; I actually think it would be very polarizing of the guests, which is an additional reason why it's inappropriate.  People tend to feel either strongly for missionary work (and thus might feel guilted by a tip jar) or strongly against missionary work (and thus feel uncomfortable with a tip jar). 



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  • grumbledoregrumbledore member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    johnson.kmarie said:
    The cash bar thing has most of this handled, but this is slightly different. We were going to have one of the young men from the church youth who is saving for a mission trip work as a coat attendant for our winter wedding. My idea was we would pay him very well, but also put out a tip jar with a sign that says something to the effects of all proceeds go to fund his mission trip after graduation. My mom is butting heads with me on this says its tacky. And I guess I can see her point, but really is it so bad? It's going to a good cause after all.
    No tip jars.  If you want to tip him, tip him.

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  • GrrArghGrrArgh member
    250 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 100 Comments Name Dropper
    grumbledore said:
    No tip jars.  If you want to tip him, tip him.
    Yes that is the conclusion I have come to. Thank you. :-) 
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  • mommapizanomommapizano member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    Viczaesar said:
    show previous quotes
    I disagree; I actually think it would be very polarizing of the guests, which is an additional reason why it's inappropriate.  People tend to feel either strongly for missionary work (and thus might feel guilted by a tip jar) or strongly against missionary work (and thus feel uncomfortable with a tip jar). 
    I see what you are saying for sure. I was thinking most of her guests would see it this way since she said a lot of them (she said 95%) have been on missions themselves. In most cases, you are right that it would likely be polarizing. Either way, I don't think she should do the tip jar. 
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Lose the tip jar.  It is just as tacky to seek contributions for charitable causes at your wedding from your guests as it is to seek gratuities for staff from your guests.
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  • LDubHawksFanLDubHawksFan member
    1000 Comments 100 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    johnson.kmarie said:

    We were going to tip him regardless of a jar, I was just trying to come up with a way to help additionally. Oh well!

    show previous quotes
    So is that jab you just took. Your last sentence is all that was required to make your point, but I understand some people do not hold the same beliefs. I try to handle any differences from a positive perspective, makes one less bitter. 

    I don't think it was a jab but a good point. For the same reasons why charity favors aren't a good idea, you never know how your guests feel about certain organizations or situations that they help. You could offend your guests.


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  • Blue_BirdBlue_Bird member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    No.
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  • ei34ei34 member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    Even though it's a nice cause, asking for donations is tacky.  However, at least where I'm from (NYC), it's tacky to not tip coat checkers, valet parkers, etc.  Hopefully the guests at your wedding act appropriately and tip him (on their own, without a tip jar lol).  Congrats in advance on your wedding day!

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  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    eileenrob said:

    Even though it's a nice cause, asking for donations is tacky.  However, at least where I'm from (NYC), it's tacky to not tip coat checkers, valet parkers, etc.  Hopefully the guests at your wedding act appropriately and tip him (on their own, without a tip jar lol).  Congrats in advance on your wedding day!

    But at a wedding the hosts should be tipping these people, not the guests. I don't tip at an open bar, because I assume the hosts are tipping appropriately. Same thing for the coat check and valet.
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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    Moderator 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
    laurynm84 said:
    show previous quotes
    But at a wedding the hosts should be tipping these people, not the guests. I don't tip at an open bar, because I assume the hosts are tipping appropriately. Same thing for the coat check and valet.
    This. If a tip jar is put out with an explanation of the "cause", it essentially asking for donations. I think OP's heart is in the right place by trying to help the kid out, but weddings are not appropriate mediums for fundraisers. 

    OP, if you want to help this kid out, find another medium without asking your guests to donate.
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    laurynm84 said:
    show previous quotes
    But at a wedding the hosts should be tipping these people, not the guests. I don't tip at an open bar, because I assume the hosts are tipping appropriately. Same thing for the coat check and valet.
    Maybe this is a regional thing? I'm a NYer too and I always, always tip at an open bar. I tip the coat check and the valet too at a wedding. 
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  • grumbledoregrumbledore member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    ClimbingBrideNY said:
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    Maybe this is a regional thing? I'm a NYer too and I always, always tip at an open bar. I tip the coat check and the valet too at a wedding. 
    If a guest tips with no provocation whatsoever, I think it's fine, but the couple should still be tipping and there should be no suggestion made to the guests that they should tip.

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  • ei34ei34 member
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    To clarify on my original quote, it goes without saying that the couple tips everyone who works at their wedding (valet, coat check guy) in addition to paying them.  BUT, guests who use the services also tip (in NYC anyway). 
    Just because it's a wedding shouldn't change a common courtesy: if I am out at a bar with friends, I tip the bartender who just made my drink after paying him.  If I'm at a wedding, I didn't pay for the drink (don't get me started on cash bars lol...) but of course I'd still tip him, he just provided me a service.  A couple that put out tips jars encouraging guests to tip would be rude, but guests not tipping on their own are also very rude, in my opinion. 
    Again, though, the hosts should tip everyone who works at their wedding in addition to paying them.  That's what hubby and I did.  I was relieved to see our family and friends slipping the bartenders and valets bills as they were served though- we invited a classy bunch.
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