Bridal Shower invites with strange circumstances. Please Help!

Crawleya · October 2013

My FH and I have a lot of mutual friends but he comes from a large family (9 brothers and sisters) so we trimmed the list to have only adults including only family and really close friends, Therefore, we decided as a couple to have our bachelor/bachelorette party together as a cabaret style party to invite those people who we could not invite to the actual wedding. Now, my MOH needs a list of people to invite to the bridal shower and I wanted to invite those who are invited to either the wedding or our bachelor/bachelorette party. Is this wrong as our wedding is really intimate and we could not afford to have many friends attend but we still want to celebrate with them. Hopefully this doesn't confuse you but I really need to know if I may offending anyone.

Teddy917 · October 2013

Anyone invited to pre-wedding parties (bachlorette/shower/etc.) must be invited to the wedding. You can have a party later to celebrate but no weddingy stuff.

WinstonsGirl · October 2013

Crawleya said:

My FH and I have a lot of mutual friends but he comes from a large family (9 brothers and sisters) so we trimmed the list to have only adults including only family and really close friends, Therefore, we decided as a couple to have our bachelor/bachelorette party together as a cabaret style party to invite those people who we could not invite to the actual wedding. Now, my MOH needs a list of people to invite to the bridal shower and I wanted to invite those who are invited to either the wedding or our bachelor/bachelorette party. Is this wrong as our wedding is really intimate and we could not afford to have many friends attend but we still want to celebrate with them. Hopefully this doesn't confuse you but I really need to know if I may offending anyone.

Please don't invite people who aren't invited to the wedding. You're asking them to bring you a gift (since a shower is to shower the bride with gifts) yet you're not able to have them at the ceremony. It comes across as gift grabby. Small weddings do come with some limitations, such as not being able to invite everyone you want.

Have a party to get together with your friends. Just don't make it wedding related.

zizibet · October 2013

Your circumstances are no different than any other bride having a small wedding for whatever reason.
Celebrate with you is not equivalent to giving you presents for an event they aren't invited to. Have a party with your friends, but do not call it anything related. Do not invite any of them to the shower.

HisGirlFriday13 · October 2013

The only strange circumstance is that you came to an etiquette board and want to be rude.

Anyone invited to pre-wedding events MUST BE invited to the wedding. You cannot invite people to bachelor/bachelorette parties (come buy us drinks!!) or to showers (come give me presents!!) and then not invite them to the wedding. That's gift-grabby and tacky.

Either invite people to all events AND your wedding AND host them properly OR don't invite them to your pre-wedding parties. Those are your choices.

banana468 · October 2013

Unfortunately you're already being rude with the bachelor/bachelorette plans. Don't make matters worse and put those second tier guests on the shower guest list.

If it's not too late, I'd cancel the Bachelor/Bachelorette and do something like that after the wedding or don't call it a wedding activity.

climbingsingle · October 2013

You cannot invite people to wedding related events if they are not invited to the actual wedding. It's extremely rude and tacky!

AroundTheBlock · October 2013

Hello, Crawleya. I see this is your first post. Welcome.

You've shown creativity and flexibility in giving a party for your friends instead of doing the traditional bachelor/bachelorette "thing" of having them take you out for drinks. Offering people hospitality is always polite. When you give a party immediately before a large event like a wedding, you risk having people who are on your wedding guest-list talk about the wedding to people who are not invited, which would make the uninvited people feel left out. If you managed your bachelor(ette) guest-list carefully though, and if your guests remembered the good manners they learned in kindergarten to not talk about one party while attending a different one, you may have pulled that one off with no hurt feelings. But there is a risk just because the term "bachelorette" for your party, a term associated with weddings, that your non-wedding bachelorette guests were reminded that they take second place in your hearts after the "real wedding guests". I suspect though, if your wedding is essentially family-only, and your cabaret party was a fun upbeat event for your friends and acquaintances, that your cabaret guests accepted as quite appropriate that family takes a closer place than they do.

You see, when you use a customary term for a different kind of event, it creates misunderstandings. The same is true about a "Shower". A shower is by definition a party where every guest is required to bring a gift -- the only kind of party where that rule holds. But I think most brides realize (as you imply you do in your original post) that the shower is really more about spending time with your friend than it is about the gifts. If that is your case, just avoid using the term "shower". You can invite girls and women to a "tea" instead of a "shower". You can have all the same pretty finger foods and even play silly games if your crowd goes for that sort of thing; but having a "tea" instead of a "shower" removes the expectation of gifts. Leaving off the word "Bridal" removes the reminder to your friends that they aren't invited to the wedding. But it will still be a fun time that brings together the ladies from the different parts of your life and lets you enjoy their company at a time that is particularly special for you.

OliveOilsMom · October 2013

AroundTheBlock said:

Hello, Crawleya. I see this is your first post. Welcome.

You've shown creativity and flexibility in giving a party for your friends instead of doing the traditional bachelor/bachelorette "thing" of having them take you out for drinks. Offering people hospitality is always polite. When you give a party immediately before a large event like a wedding, you risk having people who are on your wedding guest-list talk about the wedding to people who are not invited, which would make the uninvited people feel left out. If you managed your bachelor(ette) guest-list carefully though, and if your guests remembered the good manners they learned in kindergarten to not talk about one party while attending a different one, you may have pulled that one off with no hurt feelings. But there is a risk just because the term "bachelorette" for your party, a term associated with weddings, that your non-wedding bachelorette guests were reminded that they take second place in your hearts after the "real wedding guests". I suspect though, if your wedding is essentially family-only, and your cabaret party was a fun upbeat event for your friends and acquaintances, that your cabaret guests accepted as quite appropriate that family takes a closer place than they do.

You see, when you use a customary term for a different kind of event, it creates misunderstandings. The same is true about a "Shower". A shower is by definition a party where every guest is required to bring a gift -- the only kind of party where that rule holds. But I think most brides realize (as you imply you do in your original post) that the shower is really more about spending time with your friend than it is about the gifts. If that is your case, just avoid using the term "shower". You can invite girls and women to a "tea" instead of a "shower". You can have all the same pretty finger foods and even play silly games if your crowd goes for that sort of thing; but having a "tea" instead of a "shower" removes the expectation of gifts. Leaving off the word "Bridal" removes the reminder to your friends that they aren't invited to the wedding. But it will still be a fun time that brings together the ladies from the different parts of your life and lets you enjoy their company at a time that is particularly special for you.

What the what?

To the bolded: any tea held in honor of the bride, regardless of whether it says Bridal Tea on the invite, will have people thinking they are also invited to the wedding.

You also basically told the OP to host her own bachelorette party in the first paragraph. That is also a no-no. When having any gathering prior to a wedding, you need to be very careful to not let it be known its a pre-wedding party. And any gathering like what the OP wants to throw just before her wedding, will be seen as a b party. If it quacks like a duck and looks like a duck, it's a duck.

APDSS22 · October 2013

1. It is rude of the bride and/or groom to plan a pre-wedding party. Shower, Bachelor/Bachelorette parties all fall into this category. As would a "Bridal Tea". If you're throwing yourself a pre-wedding party, you're already being rude and very "LOOK at MEEEEEE!!!"

2. It is rude to invite people to these pre-wedding parties who are not invited to the wedding, regardless of what it is called or how special you think you are. At pre-wedding parties, people will talk about the upcoming wedding. That is going to happen. You will make non-invited guests feel second class and you're also telling them that you are awesome and they should pay for things for you but they aren't close enough to you to be invited to the reason you're all celebrating in the first place.

3. Your circumstances are not special. You chose to have an intimate wedding, so a result of that is that you have less people there for you, celebrating you and your FI's love. This includes pre-wedding parties. These people that are special enough to be invited to the intimate wedding should be enough for your pre-wedding parties since they are your most important people. Unless you're just in it for attention and presents without having to pay for them at the reception. Which is being a little bit self-centered really.

4. If you really wanted to celebrate with these people, after the wedding host a "yay, we're married and awesome" party with booze and food and music. But no wedding gifts, no wedding cake, no wedding dress and veil. Just hanging out, as friends do, and using the excuse that you just got married as a reason for everyone to get together and enjoy themselves. I mean, people have "day ending with a y" parties so why not? But there should be no expectation of gifts from attendees.

Grabows14 · October 2013

The cabaret thing sounds cute, but I wouldn't advertise it as a pre-wedding party. That way you don't seem gift-grabby. I would just extend the invitation to people you want to come to this cabaret thing and then when people AFTERWARDS ask about the Bachelor/Bachelorette party, say that having everyone together for the cabaret fulfilled what you wanted for that event.

Also, if someone gets angry at you for not having a traditional Bachelor/Bachelorette party where they shower you with lingerie, that's on them. You shouldn't feel bad about this and you seem to want something that is non-traditional anyway.

kitty8403 · October 2013

I realize this is anecdotal, but I have been a guest at a bridal shower who was not invited to the wedding. I felt obligated to go (long story), but I do remember this, and I do feel it was very rude of her. We are still on friendly terms, but she will not be invited to ours.

By which, I mean to say, please don't do this. It's in very poor taste.

kitty8403 · October 2013

Grabows14 said:
The cabaret thing sounds cute, but I wouldn't advertise it as a pre-wedding party. That way you don't seem gift-grabby. I would just extend the invitation to people you want to come to this cabaret thing and then when people AFTERWARDS ask about the Bachelor/Bachelorette party, say that having everyone together for the cabaret fulfilled what you wanted for that event.

Also, if someone gets angry at you for not having a traditional Bachelor/Bachelorette party where they shower you with lingerie, that's on them. You shouldn't feel bad about this and you seem to want something that is non-traditional anyway.

I'm confused. Are you saying she should have the party, claim it's not a bachelorette bash or a wedding-related event, and then when people ask about a traditional girls night out, say, "Oops, we already did that?" It sounds kind of deceptive to me.

grumbledore · October 2013

Teddy917 said:

Anyone invited to pre-wedding parties (bachlorette/shower/etc.) must be invited to the wedding. You can have a party later to celebrate but no weddingy stuff.

This. You can't invite people to pre-wedding parties and not invite them to the wedding. Big no-no.

grumbledore · October 2013

OliveOilsMom said:

AroundTheBlock said:

Hello, Crawleya. I see this is your first post. Welcome.

You've shown creativity and flexibility in giving a party for your friends instead of doing the traditional bachelor/bachelorette "thing" of having them take you out for drinks. Offering people hospitality is always polite. When you give a party immediately before a large event like a wedding, you risk having people who are on your wedding guest-list talk about the wedding to people who are not invited, which would make the uninvited people feel left out. If you managed your bachelor(ette) guest-list carefully though, and if your guests remembered the good manners they learned in kindergarten to not talk about one party while attending a different one, you may have pulled that one off with no hurt feelings. But there is a risk just because the term "bachelorette" for your party, a term associated with weddings, that your non-wedding bachelorette guests were reminded that they take second place in your hearts after the "real wedding guests". I suspect though, if your wedding is essentially family-only, and your cabaret party was a fun upbeat event for your friends and acquaintances, that your cabaret guests accepted as quite appropriate that family takes a closer place than they do.

You see, when you use a customary term for a different kind of event, it creates misunderstandings. The same is true about a "Shower". A shower is by definition a party where every guest is required to bring a gift -- the only kind of party where that rule holds. But I think most brides realize (as you imply you do in your original post) that the shower is really more about spending time with your friend than it is about the gifts. If that is your case, just avoid using the term "shower". You can invite girls and women to a "tea" instead of a "shower". You can have all the same pretty finger foods and even play silly games if your crowd goes for that sort of thing; but having a "tea" instead of a "shower" removes the expectation of gifts. Leaving off the word "Bridal" removes the reminder to your friends that they aren't invited to the wedding. But it will still be a fun time that brings together the ladies from the different parts of your life and lets you enjoy their company at a time that is particularly special for you.

What the what?

To the bolded: any tea held in honor of the bride, regardless of whether it says Bridal Tea on the invite, will have people thinking they are also invited to the wedding.

You also basically told the OP to host her own bachelorette party in the first paragraph. That is also a no-no. When having any gathering prior to a wedding, you need to be very careful to not let it be known its a pre-wedding party. And any gathering like what the OP wants to throw just before her wedding, will be seen as a b party. If it quacks like a duck and looks like a duck, it's a duck.

@OliveOilsMom hit it on the head here. Changing the name of a pre-wedding party doesn't make it something else. Even if you have a "tea" that takes place two weeks before the wedding, rather than a shower, it's clearly a wedding related event and people will treat it as such.

If you had a birthday party 2 weeks before, it would not be related.

grumbledore · October 2013

kitty8403 said:

The cabaret thing sounds cute, but I wouldn't advertise it as a pre-wedding party. That way you don't seem gift-grabby. I would just extend the invitation to people you want to come to this cabaret thing and then when people AFTERWARDS ask about the Bachelor/Bachelorette party, say that having everyone together for the cabaret fulfilled what you wanted for that event.

Also, if someone gets angry at you for not having a traditional Bachelor/Bachelorette party where they shower you with lingerie, that's on them. You shouldn't feel bad about this and you seem to want something that is non-traditional anyway.
I'm confused. Are you saying she should have the party, claim it's not a bachelorette bash or a wedding-related event, and then when people ask about a traditional girls night out, say, "Oops, we already did that?" It sounds kind of deceptive to me.

That's because it is. Also, telling people after the fact that they were invited to a pre-wedding party and not invited to the wedding (without their knowledge) is even MORE rude than them knowing all along. Where the hell does this bad advice come from???

lennonkdc · October 2013

I don't get the 'we want to celebrate our marriage with them, but aren't inviting them to the wedding' mindset. I mean, if you want to celebrate with them then make whatever changes (venue, time of day, delay the wedding a year, etc.) to stretch your budget so that can happen. If you're not able or willing to do so then suck it up Buttercup. Don't invite them to a 'consolation' party. Its rude. Its worse than B-Listing.

And frankly, if I'm not invited to the wedding I don't give a shit about 'celebrating' with you. I mean I'm happy for you, and I'll buy you a drink the next time we hang out and ask about the wedding, hell I'll even sit through pictures, but don't throw some stupid pre-wedding gift grab under the guise of 'celebrating' with me.

ETA: I'm not saying that making the choice to have a smaller wedding or family only wedding is bad. I'm just saying that its the CHOICE you made. If you wanted these people there then you had options to make it happen, but for whatever reason you didn't. Own that choice and move on.

aurianna · October 2013

Ditto PPs.

Another thing to take into consideration is that odds are at your showers, people are going to want to talk about your wedding. It's a pretty natural topic to come up during a bridal shower.

If I was a guest who came to a shower despite not being invited to the wedding... and then people started talking about the decorations I wouldn't see and the food I wouldn't get to taste and the DJ I wouldn't get to hear... I'd be uncomfortable.

Proper etiquette is about making your guests comfortable, and putting them in a situation like that could hinder that comfort.

People understand that not everyone can be invited to a wedding. Just keep your shower / b-party lists limited to your wedding guests and then have a fun night out with friends sometime after you're married.

Good luck!

aurianna · October 2013

Double post

Crawleya · October 2013

Thank you to all who responded even those who weren't as polite in their approach. The party which we are calling to our wedding party as a bachelor/bachelorette party is just that a party to celebrate in general. Most people who will be attending this event are not invited to the wedding because it is mostly family and I don't party with my family in the same way, Aroundtheblock thank you for your wonderful words. My friends do know the situation and they are instructed not to bring or buy gifts as this is our opportunity to celebrate with them since they could not be invited to the wedding. Many also thought that I was expecting them to buy me drinks but my wedding party decided to take care of me that day while I will be ensuring that my guest have a good time with drinks and food that I will be purchasing for them. I must also say that I am having two showers on the same day for that reason which again people are not instructed to buy gifts. My FH and I have lived together for over 5 years so we don't have registry and after much consideration and my wonderful Maid and Matron of Honor trying to make everyone feel comfortable we will ensure that the "no gift policy" is implemented for the shower. I personally did NOT want a shower at all but my sisters wanted to throw one so I gave in. I do not need gifts at all and I know my friends already know this. I am NOT getting married for gifts or money I am getting married to the man I love and those who love us will celebrate with us. I do thank you all again for the advice that was given but as I look over a few of these post its seems that maybe people are not being open and upfront about the real situation of wedding woes monetarily. I think that I will invite those who I invited to my recent birthday day party, our cabaret, and any other special day that we share where I do not have to spend $90-$100 for them to eat. It makes me feel even more blessed knowing that my friends are true and want to celebrate with me even if they can't attend the wedding. Oh, and for all of those who believe that I am being rude please think about your friends and if they had a party to celebrate their day with them (WITHOUT GIFTS) how you would feel if you weren't invited.

Thanks for the advice!

banana468 · October 2013

If a friend of mine said, "I'm sorry but the wedding is private" then I'd wonder why she wanted a large scale pre-wedding event. I can totally get behind not being on an invite list but can't get behind the "My friends support me because it's not about gifts" sentiment. It isn't just gifts - it's about treating everyone with respect.

Dreamergirl8812 · October 2013

Crawleya said:

Thank you to all who responded even those who weren't as polite in their approach. The party which we are calling to our wedding party as a bachelor/bachelorette party is just that a party to celebrate in general. Most people who will be attending this event are not invited to the wedding because it is mostly family and I don't party with my family in the same way, Aroundtheblock thank you for your wonderful words. My friends do know the situation and they are instructed not to bring or buy gifts as this is our opportunity to celebrate with them since they could not be invited to the wedding. Many also thought that I was expecting them to buy me drinks but my wedding party decided to take care of me that day while I will be ensuring that my guest have a good time with drinks and food that I will be purchasing for them. I must also say that I am having two showers on the same day for that reason which again people are not instructed to buy gifts. My FH and I have lived together for over 5 years so we don't have registry and after much consideration and my wonderful Maid and Matron of Honor trying to make everyone feel comfortable we will ensure that the "no gift policy" is implemented for the shower. I personally did NOT want a shower at all but my sisters wanted to throw one so I gave in. I do not need gifts at all and I know my friends already know this. I am NOT getting married for gifts or money I am getting married to the man I love and those who love us will celebrate with us. I do thank you all again for the advice that was given but as I look over a few of these post its seems that maybe people are not being open and upfront about the real situation of wedding woes monetarily. I think that I will invite those who I invited to my recent birthday day party, our cabaret, and any other special day that we share where I do not have to spend $90-$100 for them to eat. It makes me feel even more blessed knowing that my friends are true and want to celebrate with me even if they can't attend the wedding. Oh, and for all of those who believe that I am being rude please think about your friends and if they had a party to celebrate their day with them (WITHOUT GIFTS) how you would feel if you weren't invited.
Thanks for the advice!

You're having two showers in one day, with people who aren't invited to the wedding?

Mind = boggled.

You can justify it all you want, and I'm sure the people you care about the most will blow rainbows up your ass as you treat them like shit. But celebrating yourself with people you aren't inviting to the wedding is so far beyond AWish, there just isn't a word.

Ooh, I learned a word today that applies: "Askhole" - someone who asks for advice and doesn't take it unless it's "Do what you want! It's your day(s)!"

JustNicki · October 2013

People weren't rude to you, OP. The advice they gave was absolutely correct. Teddy917 put it very clearly: you cannot invite people to a pre-wedding event (no matter what you call it) if they are not invited to the wedding itself.

Blue_Bird · October 2013

Crawleya said:

Thank you to all who responded even those who weren't as polite in their approach. The party which we are calling to our wedding party as a bachelor/bachelorette party is just that a party to celebrate in general. Most people who will be attending this event are not invited to the wedding because it is mostly family and I don't party with my family in the same way, Aroundtheblock thank you for your wonderful words. My friends do know the situation and they are instructed not to bring or buy gifts as this is our opportunity to celebrate with them since they could not be invited to the wedding. Many also thought that I was expecting them to buy me drinks but my wedding party decided to take care of me that day while I will be ensuring that my guest have a good time with drinks and food that I will be purchasing for them. I must also say that I am having two showers on the same day for that reason which again people are not instructed to buy gifts. My FH and I have lived together for over 5 years so we don't have registry and after much consideration and my wonderful Maid and Matron of Honor trying to make everyone feel comfortable we will ensure that the "no gift policy" is implemented for the shower. I personally did NOT want a shower at all but my sisters wanted to throw one so I gave in. I do not need gifts at all and I know my friends already know this. I am NOT getting married for gifts or money I am getting married to the man I love and those who love us will celebrate with us. I do thank you all again for the advice that was given but as I look over a few of these post its seems that maybe people are not being open and upfront about the real situation of wedding woes monetarily. I think that I will invite those who I invited to my recent birthday day party, our cabaret, and any other special day that we share where I do not have to spend $90-$100 for them to eat. It makes me feel even more blessed knowing that my friends are true and want to celebrate with me even if they can't attend the wedding. Oh, and for all of those who believe that I am being rude please think about your friends and if they had a party to celebrate their day with them (WITHOUT GIFTS) how you would feel if you weren't invited.
Thanks for the advice!

Unfortunately Sweetie, what you're asking is wrong (in answer to your original question). So though some answers may not have been what you wanted to hear, they are speaking strictly from an etiquette standpoint (as this is an etiquette board). It is rude to invite people to celebrate an event they were not invited to, gifts or not. I, and friends of mine, have been invited to such events, and it hasn't felt good. I've actually been embarrassed for the couple when well-intentioned friends plan things like this for them. Your friends won't tell you to your face, but they will most likely talk about how rude it was afterwards. Obviously, you'll do what you want, but you asked for advice, and there it is.

P.S.- The fact that you and your fiance came up with this idea on your own takes it further down the dark, poor-etiquette road. Even if you have a figurehead host (your MOH), it's rude to throw a part in your own honor.

STARMOON44 · October 2013

I can't believe you're having 2 showers on the same day with people who aren't invited. You aren't that special.

WinstonsGirl · October 2013

Crawleya said:

Thank you to all who responded even those who weren't as polite in their approach. The party which we are calling to our wedding party as a bachelor/bachelorette party is just that a party to celebrate in general. Most people who will be attending this event are not invited to the wedding because it is mostly family and I don't party with my family in the same way, Aroundtheblock thank you for your wonderful words. My friends do know the situation and they are instructed not to bring or buy gifts as this is our opportunity to celebrate with them since they could not be invited to the wedding. Many also thought that I was expecting them to buy me drinks but my wedding party decided to take care of me that day while I will be ensuring that my guest have a good time with drinks and food that I will be purchasing for them. I must also say that I am having two showers on the same day for that reason which again people are not instructed to buy gifts. My FH and I have lived together for over 5 years so we don't have registry and after much consideration and my wonderful Maid and Matron of Honor trying to make everyone feel comfortable we will ensure that the "no gift policy" is implemented for the shower. I personally did NOT want a shower at all but my sisters wanted to throw one so I gave in. I do not need gifts at all and I know my friends already know this. I am NOT getting married for gifts or money I am getting married to the man I love and those who love us will celebrate with us. I do thank you all again for the advice that was given but as I look over a few of these post its seems that maybe people are not being open and upfront about the real situation of wedding woes monetarily. I think that I will invite those who I invited to my recent birthday day party, our cabaret, and any other special day that we share where I do not have to spend $90-$100 for them to eat. It makes me feel even more blessed knowing that my friends are true and want to celebrate with me even if they can't attend the wedding. Oh, and for all of those who believe that I am being rude please think about your friends and if they had a party to celebrate their day with them (WITHOUT GIFTS) how you would feel if you weren't invited.
Thanks for the advice!

Oh FFS. Yes, we're all horribly impolite. We know.

The point of a shower is to shower the Bride with gifts. If you don't want gifts, don't have a shower. You didn't want a shower in the first place, why have it just to make your sisters happy?? I've had couples say "no gifts". I still give them a gift, cos I feel like a loser going to a wedding empty handed. I'd still give you a gift at your shower, since that's the point of a shower - to shower you with gifts.

Also, those who love you won't be celebrating with you, since they won't be at your wedding anyway.

OliveOilsMom · October 2013

Why do brides come on here and ask questions only to take the worst advice given in the whole thread! If you see a pattern of everyone saying, this is a bad idea, THEN IT'S A BAD IDEA AND YOU SHOULDN'T DO IT!!!!!!

climbingsingle · October 2013

What you're doing is tacky and rude. End of story.

MGP · October 2013

lennonkdc said:

I don't get the 'we want to celebrate our marriage with them, but aren't inviting them to the wedding' mindset. I mean, if you want to celebrate with them then make whatever changes (venue, time of day, delay the wedding a year, etc.) to stretch your budget so that can happen. If you're not able or willing to do so then suck it up Buttercup. Don't invite them to a 'consolation' party. Its rude. Its worse than B-Listing.

And frankly, if I'm not invited to the wedding I don't give a shit about 'celebrating' with you. I mean I'm happy for you, and I'll buy you a drink the next time we hang out and ask about the wedding, hell I'll even sit through pictures, but don't throw some stupid pre-wedding gift grab under the guise of 'celebrating' with me.

ETA: I'm not saying that making the choice to have a smaller wedding or family only wedding is bad. I'm just saying that its the CHOICE you made. If you wanted these people there then you had options to make it happen, but for whatever reason you didn't. Own that choice and move on.

This 1000%.

I am so sick and tired of people not being able to say "no" and taking this horribly rude middle ground. If I am good enough to celebrate with you, I should be good enough to be invited to and properly hosted at the main event aka the wedding (with the exception of a TRULY private ceremony which it sounds like this mess above is not). No consolation parties.

If your space, budget, or just the closeness of our relationship does not allow that, then fine! Tough decisions have to be made some times and I would never take that personally. What I do take personally is this ranking system of just certain events vs. all wedding events. And notice how even if you aren't invited to everything you are still invited to something where a gift is expected? Can I ask what you do at a "no gifts shower"? Because people still bring gifts because they don't want to be the a-hole that didn't bring a gift. Essentially the couple is still getting what they want - gifts. And attention.

And OP - seriously not all of your guests are that interested in "celebrating" with you, even if they are not telling you to your face. Don't be surprised if many of these people start to distance themselves from you after this debacle.

mommapizano · October 2013

OliveOilsMom said:

Why do brides come on here and ask questions only to take the worst advice given in the whole thread! If you see a pattern of everyone saying, this is a bad idea, THEN IT'S A BAD IDEA AND YOU SHOULDN'T DO IT!!!!!!

This! Seriously, I feel like people post "questions" but already have a determined path they are going to take. They just feel they need one or two people to justify their rude/tacky choices.

aurianna · October 2013

As PPs have said, the purpose of a shower is to shower the bride with the gifts. If you aren't registering, you should not have one.
If your sister wants to host something, then I suggest a "bridal luncheon." That at least holds slightly less of a gift connotation. But only invite those invited to the wedding.

Everyone here understands having a set budget. However we also understand that the amount we have to spend per person is somewhat within our control.

If I have a hypothetical 10k to spend... I can either:
Have a wedding that costs $100 pp and invite 100 people.
Or I can choose to have a wedding that costs $50 pp and invite 200 people.
Or I can choose to have a wedding that costs $20 pp and invite 500 people.

It isn't fair to my "friends" to put them in an awkward situation where they'll still feel compelled to bring a gift (no matter what I put on the invites), and then have to sit around for hours listening to talk about a wedding they aren't invited to, just because I made the conscience decision to have a more expensive wedding that could accommodate less guests.

We are completely objective bystanders. Whatever you choose will have no impact on our lives. So take that into consideration when we tell you this is a bad idea.

I love my friends, maybe almost as much as your friends love you. But I'm telling you if one of my friends told me I wasn't invited to her wedding but she wanted to celebrate with me so she invited me to a consolation shower, I wouldn't be pleased. I would probably go. I would put on a happy face because I love my friends. But inside I'd feel like I was wasting my weekend to fawn over someone who cared more about her wedding being fancy than having her friends at it. Any talk about the wedding itself would most likely bore me, if not annoy me, since I'm not important enough to actually attend.

No one will be as excited about your wedding as you and your FI. And you can bet that no one who isn't invited to your wedding will be even remotely as excited about it as you and your groom.

Seriously... very few people have ever been offended that they weren't invited to a shower linked to a wedding they weren't invited to. But you can bet lots of people have been offended when they were invited to a shower but not the wedding.

Just have a fun, non-wedding related get together with your friends after the wedding. Maybe an open house? Those are fun. They can come as they please, have yummy food, and see you and your husband together as man and wife, living under one roof.

Bridal Shower invites with strange circumstances. Please Help!

Re: Bridal Shower invites with strange circumstances. Please Help!

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