How to Make Husband Understand

Teddy917 · October 2013

OjitosVerdes said:

Teddy917 said:

@ClimbingBrideNY
He doesn't work because he is mentally disabled.

That's great that you have a source of family support that you can lean on.

The above changes things - this is more complicated than just "husband isn't supportive". Is his disability such that it might affect his interpersonal relationships?

It's great that he is in individual counseling. Do you know what issues he's dealing with in his own therapy? And I re-read that you'll be doing joint counseling - also great!

Hang in there Teddy - it sounds like you both have a lot on your plates. The truth is there isn't anything we can do to "make" another person understand our point of view or alter their behavior, and it sounds like your conversations about your counseling aren't productive and your husband has dug his heels in. Perhaps a neutral, third party, experienced couples counselor in a safe environment might be able to diffuse some tension surrounding the situation - and outside opinion might give your husband some additional perspective.

I'm sorry you had a bad experience with counseling in the past - don't hesitate to shop around until you find someone you feel comfortable with.

His disability does affect his relationships. Although the "not supporting me while I'm going through therapy" issues are more how his life was (very lonely and emotionally on his own) than anything.

CrazyCatLady3 · October 2013

Well it definitely sounds like you have issues you need to work out in your marriage, but I'm going to go against the grain here and say I don't think it's unreasonable for your H to not want to sit in the waiting room or drop you off/pick you up from therapy. It's not like you are having a medical procedure where you will be out of it and need physical support. Plus, the therapist him/herself is there to give you emotional support. It seems like your H is being supportive of you going to therapy in general, he just wants you to be a little more self-reliant in the actual being there part.

Teddy917 · October 2013

CrazyCatLady3 said:
Well it definitely sounds like you have issues you need to work out in your marriage, but I'm going to go against the grain here and say I don't think it's unreasonable for your H to not want to sit in the waiting room or drop you off/pick you up from therapy. It's not like you are having a medical procedure where you will be out of it and need physical support. Plus, the therapist him/herself is there to give you emotional support. It seems like your H is being supportive of you going to therapy in general, he just wants you to be a little more self-reliant in the actual being there part.

I don't even neccessarily need him physically there. But to refuse to even talk about it. Even a decent therapist would say that a good support system is needed. Plus, for the first little while at least, I might not be comfortable going to a therapist, so having someone that I already love and trust for support would make it easier, even though the therapist should be able to give me emotional support. But at the beginning, it's like going to a stranger for emotional support. I don't even get to choose who to go to. The place that he wants me to go to will assign me one, and I get no say in who. He says if I object that they'll refuse to help me (which is fine, I'd rather not be helped by these people if they don't know enough about psychology to know that not every therapist/patient matchup is a good fit) and he will consider that to be me not trying and will divorce me.

CrazyCatLady3 · October 2013

Teddy917 said:

Well it definitely sounds like you have issues you need to work out in your marriage, but I'm going to go against the grain here and say I don't think it's unreasonable for your H to not want to sit in the waiting room or drop you off/pick you up from therapy. It's not like you are having a medical procedure where you will be out of it and need physical support. Plus, the therapist him/herself is there to give you emotional support. It seems like your H is being supportive of you going to therapy in general, he just wants you to be a little more self-reliant in the actual being there part.
I don't even neccessarily need him physically there. But to refuse to even talk about it. Even a decent therapist would say that a good support system is needed. Plus, for the first little while at least, I might not be comfortable going to a therapist, so having someone that I already love and trust for support would make it easier, even though the therapist should be able to give me emotional support. But at the beginning, it's like going to a stranger for emotional support. I don't even get to choose who to go to. The place that he wants me to go to will assign me one, and I get no say in who. He says if I object that they'll refuse to help me (which is fine, I'd rather not be helped by these people if they don't know enough about psychology to know that not every therapist/patient matchup is a good fit) and he will consider that to be me not trying and will divorce me.

Is there a reason you have to go to the place your H wants you to go? Will your insurance cover someone you can choose? I really wish you luck in finding someone. It seems like your H is being manipulative by threatening divorce in order to get you to do what he wants. It might actually be good for you to have some space to think alone after your sessions. I think after your first one it might not be so intimidating. Please tell whoever you see that you are nervous about the process so they can make you feel more comfortable.

Teddy917 · October 2013

He insists on me going there because he knows the people. It's the same place he goes for his therapy. I was going to go there today because we were supposed to set up a time to start marriage counseling. But he said that he was going on his own and left. So I don't even get to meet this guy or my own therapist.
He's already told him that I'm nervous. But I wish that I could've talked to them. So I could say how I feel from my point of view before he just stepped in and told my therapist all my issues before I can. Because his take on try times is to just get over it. He used to think that I was faking the mental issues to get attention. So you can see why I wish that I could've spoken for myself.

ETA Just as a disclaimer, I have never nor would I ever fake ANYTHING (especially something this serious) for attention.

KeptInStitches · October 2013

Well, that's not fair! I think you should get to pick your own therapist - who's to say that his therapist will be a good therapist for you? This is a red flag to me.

CrazyCatLady3 · October 2013

Well I'm not a mental health professional but I don't think a therapist can see both you and your H separately without each of you individually consenting. Unless you are going to be doing couple's therapy (which it sounds like your H won't do) with this person, you are probably better of having a different therapist.

I am sorry you are dealing with this. It may be that your H loves you very much but doesn't really have the emotional capacity (due to his own background) to be in healthy relationship.

Teddy917 · October 2013

It'll actually be a different therapist. It'll be at this mental hospital that has several different ones. But I don't get to decide who.

Dreamergirl8812 · October 2013

Teddy917 said:

He insists on me going there because he knows the people. It's the same place he goes for his therapy. I was going to go there today because we were supposed to set up a time to start marriage counseling. But he said that he was going on his own and left. So I don't even get to meet this guy or my own therapist. He's already told him that I'm nervous. But I wish that I could've talked to them. So I could say how I feel from my point of view before he just stepped in and told my therapist all my issues before I can. Because his take on try times is to just get over it. He used to think that I was faking the mental issues to get attention. So you can see why I wish that I could've spoken for myself. ETA Just as a disclaimer, I have never nor would I ever fake ANYTHING (especially something this serious) for attention.

Teddy, the fact that you even felt the need to say this makes me really, really sad. It makes me think your husband is good enough at manipulation to convince you that you need to justify yourself this way. You don't.

Fran1985 · October 2013

Teddy, as a stranger with nothing invested in your relation, I have to say its one of the saddest descriptions of a marriage I have ever seen. He sounds awful, manipulative, and cruel. Do you love him? How long have you been married? I hope you get into therapy yourself and have some sort of support system around you unconnected to him

Teddy917 · October 2013

I've been married about three months. I do love him.

clg1213 · October 2013

I don't have much in the way of advice, but I'll share a little...

I will say that I had some horrid therapy experiences in my youth (as in being physically forced to take an antidepressant) and was very anti-therapy for a long time. But, in the course of dealing with a disabling physical condition and severe pain, was referred to a specialist in that sort of stuff (I call him "Pain Shrink") and he is amazing...we talk about a lot more than pain so he's a general therapist too, but he "gets" some of the issues in a way no one else does (i.e. encourages me to feel accomplished even if all I can do in a day is pay a bill or two since on a "bad pain day" that is a lot). He's the best of the MANY professionals involved in my medical care.

My point - I had bad therapy experiences but found "the one" (referring to my psychologist, not my FI...though FI is amazing and a different "one") and it has been a true miracle. I hope you find your perfect helper. I really recommend looking for someone with specific expertise in your problems (which clearly include having a partner with mental/emotional issues...a huge stressor for anyone)

Take care of YOU and do what makes you happy and healthy.

P.S. On the original line of discussion, can he wait at a coffee shop (with or without your SIL)? I wish he were there for you more emotionally, but I know sometimes there's a comfort in physical proximity too

JaneAustensGhost · October 2013

Teddy,

Your husband is very controlling. Telling you who to see for therapy (!) is abusive. I believe he wants you to see that person because that person is pre-disposed to believing him, not you.

I can't see what you love about him, frankly.

Please do keep us updated - I'd love to hear that you found a great therapist and are working through the issues, with or without H.

climbingsingle · October 2013

Fran1985 said:

Teddy, as a stranger with nothing invested in your relation, I have to say its one of the saddest descriptions of a marriage I have ever seen. He sounds awful, manipulative, and cruel. Do you love him? How long have you been married? I hope you get into therapy yourself and have some sort of support system around you unconnected to him

I have to agree with this. Your husband sounds extremely controlling and emotionally abusive. I hope you found a counselor that can help you.

southernbelle0915 · October 2013

I've just been lurking this thread because everyone else is hitting the nail on the head. Teddy, my heart goes out to you. Being in an unsupportive relationship with someone who is manipulative and controlling is such a tragic way to live. This must be contributing to your need for therapy and you are very wise to seek it out. Choose your own therapist - your husband has zero say in this. None. Zilch. The topic of your relationship with your husband should be first on the docket.

I wish you all the strength in the world. I hope that you can get through this and find happiness.

maryemoo · November 2013

Have been lurking this thread for a while and am hoping it worked out for you...update? My heart is breaking for you here.

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