Opinions on Bridesmaids responsibilities.

Iloveshanej · October 2013

What do you think a bridesmaid is responsible for? Just curious.

AprilH81 · October 2013

Buy the right dress.

Show up (relatively) sober.

Smile and be supportive (but not by doing "stuff" unless they volunteer).

manateehugger · October 2013

-Buy a dress

-Show up on time on the day

-Show up dressed and groomed appropriately

-Smile for pictures

-Be pleasant on the day

Iloveshanej · October 2013

AprilH81 said:

Buy the right dress.
Show up (relatively) sober.
Smile and be supportive (but not by doing "stuff" unless they volunteer).

That's pretty much what I thought too. I have one BM who I have had to do everything for and she hasn't been supportive. It's very surprising to me. I think I made a mistake in making her a BM but it is what it is now.

Loving the relatively sober part, haha!

mzbda · October 2013

I agree with what etiquette days, i.e. buy a dress, show up on time dressed properly, be sober, etc, but where I live, bridesmaids definitely do more - they plan the showers/bachelorette's and even help with wedding planning.

I wouldn't demand anyone do the extra things at all and I certainly wouldn't ask anyone to plan my wedding for me, but it's just the norm as are destination bachelorettes.

It's also normal here to buy shoes to go with the dress and pay for hair/makeup. Again, these aren't demands made by the bride(maybe some brides), but are more so expected. I would just want my bridesmaids to feel beautiful, whether they pay to get their hair/makeup done or not.

lennonkdc · October 2013

Showing up at the same level of sobriety as the bride in the agreed upon dress.
Smiling in a reasonable amount of group photos.
Telling the bride when she's being a bridezilla and about to ruin the friendship.

That last one is totally optional. Your BM's are your friends and you honor them by NOT treating them like helper monkey's. They don't owe you a shower or any other parties...

manateehugger · October 2013

How has she not been supportive?

And it's relatively common in my area for the bridesmaids to be involved in pre-wedding festivities too. However, this involvement is not a responsibility and should never be expected.

APDSS22 · October 2013

I had them help me find their dresses. I asked them to find shoes that were silver but let them put whatever they wanted on their feet. I did warn them they'd be standing through most of the ceremony but they both wanted sky-high heels so that was their decision. I did text them pictures of things as I decided on them because I didn't want to wedding talk my (then) FI to death. I asked my sister come visit me a couple times because I wanted someone there to help me pick out my dress and someone needed to know how to bustle the dress since I couldn't self-bustle. I didn't even need them to both come to the rehearsal because walking in a straight line doesn't need much practice. Which was great since one of them had class.

climbingsingle · October 2013

PDKH said:

-Buy a dress
-Show up on time on the day
-Show up dressed and groomed appropriately
-Smile for pictures
-Be pleasant on the day

This

buddysmom80 · October 2013

TheFutureMrsRohlman22 said:

I had them help me find their dresses. I asked them to find shoes that were silver but let them put whatever they wanted on their feet. I did warn them they'd be standing through most of the ceremony but they both wanted sky-high heels so that was their decision. I did text them pictures of things as I decided on them because I didn't want to wedding talk my (then) FI to death. I asked my sister come visit me a couple times because I wanted someone there to help me pick out my dress and someone needed to know how to bustle the dress since I couldn't self-bustle. I didn't even need them to both come to the rehearsal because walking in a straight line doesn't need much practice. Which was great since one of them had class.

Um, if I was a BM in your wedding and you texted me WR stuff, I'd be a little annoyed.

OP, let me tell you from first-hand experience of being a BM recently that the bride was happy that I showed up and was sober. The extra fluff was pressured by another BM who had it in her head that we were the bride's personal assistants. I was even "required" to help with favors.

At the end of the day our friendships (the bride and other BM) were ruined and we were close for years. So it's your choice. Either treat your BMs like human beings or lose friends.

climbingsingle · October 2013

PDKH said:

How has she not been supportive?

And it's relatively common in my area for the bridesmaids to be involved in pre-wedding festivities too. However, this involvement is not a responsibility and should never be expected.

And ditto this too. Every time I've been a bridesmaid, I've helped plan the shower and the bach party. It's common here too, but not expected.

RebeccaB88 · October 2013

Get the dress. (And either have an opinion when it's chosen or keep your mouth shut and get it anyway.)
Show up on time at the right location wearing it.
Be clean, sober, and groomed appropriately to the occasion.
Smile for the camera, even if it's forced.
Be pleasant.

Everything else is totally extra.

manateehugger · October 2013

Yeah, speaking as someone who has been a bridesmaid numerous times, please don't harass your ladies with wedding details. It gets annoying and exhausting. Even if I love you, your wedding doesn't take priority in my life.

I'll ask if I really want to know. It's fine to shoot the occasional, "Do you think more people would go for beef or chicken?' text. But please don't send me pictures of every tiny wedding detail.

I'll be way more squee-y for you if I ask about stuff than if you bother me with it.

Be a friend first, bride second.

lauralee1723 · October 2013

buddysmom80 said:

TheFutureMrsRohlman22 said:

I had them help me find their dresses. I asked them to find shoes that were silver but let them put whatever they wanted on their feet. I did warn them they'd be standing through most of the ceremony but they both wanted sky-high heels so that was their decision. I did text them pictures of things as I decided on them because I didn't want to wedding talk my (then) FI to death. I asked my sister come visit me a couple times because I wanted someone there to help me pick out my dress and someone needed to know how to bustle the dress since I couldn't self-bustle. I didn't even need them to both come to the rehearsal because walking in a straight line doesn't need much practice. Which was great since one of them had class.

Um, if I was a BM in your wedding and you texted me WR stuff, I'd be a little annoyed.

OP, let me tell you from first-hand experience of being a BM recently that the bride was happy that I showed up and was sober. The extra fluff was pressured by another BM who had it in her head that we were the bride's personal assistants. I was even "required" to help with favors.

At the end of the day our friendships (the bride and other BM) were ruined and we were close for years. So it's your choice. Either treat your BMs like human beings or lose friends.

You wouldn't even be open to the bride bouncing ideas off of you? To me if I was close enough to someone to ask them to be a BM, I would hope they would at least be willing to look at a picture and tell me if they like it or not. That's obviously not a requirement of a BM but to me that part of wedding planning is fun and I like to include my closest friends in the process! To me, this is not much different than seeing a cute or funny picture that reminds you of your friend and sharing that with them.

manateehugger · October 2013

lauralee1723 said:

buddysmom80 said:

TheFutureMrsRohlman22 said:

I had them help me find their dresses. I asked them to find shoes that were silver but let them put whatever they wanted on their feet. I did warn them they'd be standing through most of the ceremony but they both wanted sky-high heels so that was their decision. I did text them pictures of things as I decided on them because I didn't want to wedding talk my (then) FI to death. I asked my sister come visit me a couple times because I wanted someone there to help me pick out my dress and someone needed to know how to bustle the dress since I couldn't self-bustle. I didn't even need them to both come to the rehearsal because walking in a straight line doesn't need much practice. Which was great since one of them had class.

Um, if I was a BM in your wedding and you texted me WR stuff, I'd be a little annoyed.

OP, let me tell you from first-hand experience of being a BM recently that the bride was happy that I showed up and was sober. The extra fluff was pressured by another BM who had it in her head that we were the bride's personal assistants. I was even "required" to help with favors.

At the end of the day our friendships (the bride and other BM) were ruined and we were close for years. So it's your choice. Either treat your BMs like human beings or lose friends.

You wouldn't even be open to the bride bouncing ideas off of you? To me if I was close enough to someone to ask them to be a BM, I would hope they would at least be willing to look at a picture and tell me if they like it or not. That's obviously not a requirement of a BM but to me that part of wedding planning is fun and I like to include my closest friends in the process!

I think it comes down to frequency and context. Is all we talk about your wedding? Do you talk to me about it multiple times a week? Do you personally expect me to squee every time you make a decision like, "We're going for garden roses instead of tea roses!!!!!!!!"?

buddysmom80 · October 2013

PDKH said:

lauralee1723 said:

buddysmom80 said:

TheFutureMrsRohlman22 said:

I had them help me find their dresses. I asked them to find shoes that were silver but let them put whatever they wanted on their feet. I did warn them they'd be standing through most of the ceremony but they both wanted sky-high heels so that was their decision. I did text them pictures of things as I decided on them because I didn't want to wedding talk my (then) FI to death. I asked my sister come visit me a couple times because I wanted someone there to help me pick out my dress and someone needed to know how to bustle the dress since I couldn't self-bustle. I didn't even need them to both come to the rehearsal because walking in a straight line doesn't need much practice. Which was great since one of them had class.

Um, if I was a BM in your wedding and you texted me WR stuff, I'd be a little annoyed.

OP, let me tell you from first-hand experience of being a BM recently that the bride was happy that I showed up and was sober. The extra fluff was pressured by another BM who had it in her head that we were the bride's personal assistants. I was even "required" to help with favors.

At the end of the day our friendships (the bride and other BM) were ruined and we were close for years. So it's your choice. Either treat your BMs like human beings or lose friends.

You wouldn't even be open to the bride bouncing ideas off of you? To me if I was close enough to someone to ask them to be a BM, I would hope they would at least be willing to look at a picture and tell me if they like it or not. That's obviously not a requirement of a BM but to me that part of wedding planning is fun and I like to include my closest friends in the process!
I think it comes down to frequency and context. Is all we talk about your wedding? Do you talk to me about it multiple times a week? Do you personally expect me to squee every time you make a decision like, "We're going for garden roses instead of tea roses!!!!!!!!"?

^^^^^^

All. of. this.

My life is busy, all the time. I don't have time to ooh and ahh over what shade of flowers you are getting. That's what your FI is there for. It's their day too. They may care about what shade of flowers you are deciding on.

On the other hand if I'm not in a wedding and you talked about this, it wouldn't bother me. Hell, I've even asked people: "hey, how's the wedding planning going?"

daveANDkristen · October 2013

buddysmom80 said:

TheFutureMrsRohlman22 said:

I had them help me find their dresses. I asked them to find shoes that were silver but let them put whatever they wanted on their feet. I did warn them they'd be standing through most of the ceremony but they both wanted sky-high heels so that was their decision. I did text them pictures of things as I decided on them because I didn't want to wedding talk my (then) FI to death. I asked my sister come visit me a couple times because I wanted someone there to help me pick out my dress and someone needed to know how to bustle the dress since I couldn't self-bustle. I didn't even need them to both come to the rehearsal because walking in a straight line doesn't need much practice. Which was great since one of them had class.

Um, if I was a BM in your wedding and you texted me WR stuff, I'd be a little annoyed.

OP, let me tell you from first-hand experience of being a BM recently that the bride was happy that I showed up and was sober. The extra fluff was pressured by another BM who had it in her head that we were the bride's personal assistants. I was even "required" to help with favors.

At the end of the day our friendships (the bride and other BM) were ruined and we were close for years. So it's your choice. Either treat your BMs like human beings or lose friends.

If I was getting texts about wedding details multiple times per week or something I would be annoyed. But as long as it's just once in a while I would be fine with it.

KeptInStitches · October 2013

Buy the dress within budget.

Show up on time and sober.

Smile in the photos.

Be pleasant.

Anything they volunteer for above that is on them, and they shouldn't be asked to do that (time / money / parties / what have you). I lost a friendship with a girl I publicly referred to as my sister because she didn't respect my time, money, or feelings when she was getting married (she told me I was the replacement BM months after I accepted, and then what could I do?).

mzbda · October 2013

I wouldn't have a problem getting texts about wedding stuff, but again it all depends on how into it your friends are. I have friends who adore weddings and will be happy to help me plan and what not. I also have friends who I know wouldn't be interested at all so I wouldn't send them wedding related texts, unless it was about info they needed to know.

I don't think it has anything to do with being busy. I'm busy but I still carve out time for my friends and whatever it is that they have going on, even if it's just a few minutes.

WonderRed · October 2013

Buy the correct dress. Show up to the wedding on time wearing it.

MrsLillyG · October 2013

So there are people that frequent internet wedding forums that respond to strangers often that get annoyed when their real life friends ask WR questions?

Iloveshanej · October 2013

I haven't asked her to do anything but get fitted for her dress, pay for it and pick it up. She did get fitted and pay for the dress but didn't pick it up and the bridal shop called me the day before it was going to be sent back so my sister (MOH) volunteered to pick it up because she works near the shop. I thought she picked it up. I know life is busy so I haven't asked much of my BMs at all. I didn't have a shower because we have everything and my sister is giving me a bachelorette party. I am a little disappointed that she isn't coming to my bachelorette party or dinner before. I guess when I say she hasn't been supportive, I'm referring to the dress and the bachelorette party. I know the party isn't a must but it still stinks. It's really just me worrying over nothing because we're getting so close but it does show me a little about how our friendship is changing.

lauralee1723 · October 2013

PDKH said:

lauralee1723 said:

buddysmom80 said:

TheFutureMrsRohlman22 said:

I had them help me find their dresses. I asked them to find shoes that were silver but let them put whatever they wanted on their feet. I did warn them they'd be standing through most of the ceremony but they both wanted sky-high heels so that was their decision. I did text them pictures of things as I decided on them because I didn't want to wedding talk my (then) FI to death. I asked my sister come visit me a couple times because I wanted someone there to help me pick out my dress and someone needed to know how to bustle the dress since I couldn't self-bustle. I didn't even need them to both come to the rehearsal because walking in a straight line doesn't need much practice. Which was great since one of them had class.

Um, if I was a BM in your wedding and you texted me WR stuff, I'd be a little annoyed.

OP, let me tell you from first-hand experience of being a BM recently that the bride was happy that I showed up and was sober. The extra fluff was pressured by another BM who had it in her head that we were the bride's personal assistants. I was even "required" to help with favors.

At the end of the day our friendships (the bride and other BM) were ruined and we were close for years. So it's your choice. Either treat your BMs like human beings or lose friends.

You wouldn't even be open to the bride bouncing ideas off of you? To me if I was close enough to someone to ask them to be a BM, I would hope they would at least be willing to look at a picture and tell me if they like it or not. That's obviously not a requirement of a BM but to me that part of wedding planning is fun and I like to include my closest friends in the process!

I think it comes down to frequency and context. Is all we talk about your wedding? Do you talk to me about it multiple times a week? Do you personally expect me to squee every time you make a decision like, "We're going for garden roses instead of tea roses!!!!!!!!"?

Yes, I can definitely see your point :-)

buddysmom80 · October 2013

MrsLillyG said:

So there are people that frequent internet wedding forums that respond to strangers often that get annoyed when their real life friends ask WR questions?

Yes there are. I got a text about if there should be a penis cake or not at the bachelorette party during a meeting with my director. Here, I have the choice to turn off the computer. Due to the nature of my job I don't have the choice to turn off my phone.

I like weddings, I think everyone on here does. Like I stated earlier I don't want to hear every. little. detail about wedding planning. That's what your FI is for.

ETA: I would've appreciated the text more if the co-BM was a friend first, BM 2nd and not the other way around. I think it should be mindful when you're a bride, BM, whatever to be a friend first and foremost.

Inkdancer · October 2013

I expect my bridesmaids to do three things:

1. Buy a dress.
2. Show up on time looking nice.
3. Be pleasant during the wedding.

Everything else is icing on the wedding cake. Do I want them to come to the bach party and spend time with me? Sure, they're my best friends! But they have lives outside of me, and I have to respect that.

manateehugger · October 2013

MrsLillyG said:

So there are people that frequent internet wedding forums that respond to strangers often that get annoyed when their real life friends ask WR questions?

I ask questions here. I think it's only fair to respond to questions as well.

ETA:I also ask questions here so I don't drive my friends nuts.

grumbledore · October 2013

Iloveshanej said:

What do you think a bridesmaid is responsible for? Just curious.

Buying a dress (within their budget and hopefully that they like imo), showing up at the rehearsal if at all possible, showing up on time and smiling for the wedding and photos.

mzbda · October 2013

I'll probably be yelled at.....this isn't necessarily etiquette advice, but I really think the responsibilities vary based on traditions of where you are from.

I would absolutely expect my bridesmaids to be at my shower and bachelorette, unless it was out of town and they couldn't afford it.

I don't expect them to buy matching shoes, sit and DIY stuff, or pay for hair and makeup.

climbingsingle · October 2013

mzbda said:

I'll probably be yelled at.....this isn't necessarily etiquette advice, but I really think the responsibilities vary based on traditions of where you are from.
I would absolutely expect my bridesmaids to be at my shower and bachelorette, unless it was out of town and they couldn't afford it.
I don't expect them to buy matching shoes, sit and DIY stuff, or pay for hair and makeup.

You're right - that is not correct etiquette. As stated here before, your bridesmaids are not required to be at your shower or your bach party.

buddysmom80 · October 2013

mzbda said:

I'll probably be yelled at.....this isn't necessarily etiquette advice, but I really think the responsibilities vary based on traditions of where you are from.
I would absolutely expect my bridesmaids to be at my shower and bachelorette, unless it was out of town and they couldn't afford it.
I don't expect them to buy matching shoes, sit and DIY stuff, or pay for hair and makeup.

This is where the problems lie. Like every other person has said on here, a BM's job is to show up sober in the appropriate dress and smile are the only things required.

My friend's B-party was planned last minute and BF and I made plans to visit my parents who I hadn't seen in months. I was screamed at on the phone by a co-BM that I have to go to the b-party. Once again, I have my own life and declined the invite to the b-party (even though I did want a piece of penis cake).

Just because there is the word "maid" in bridesmaids doesn't mean that you treat them as one.

MrsLillyG · October 2013

buddysmom80 said:

MrsLillyG said:

So there are people that frequent internet wedding forums that respond to strangers often that get annoyed when their real life friends ask WR questions?

Yes there are. I got a text about if there should be a penis cake or not at the bachelorette party during a meeting with my director. Here, I have the choice to turn off the computer. Due to the nature of my job I don't have the choice to turn off my phone.

I like weddings, I think everyone on here does. Like I stated earlier I don't want to hear every. little. detail about wedding planning. That's what your FI is for.

ETA: I would've appreciated the text more if the co-BM was a friend first, BM 2nd and not the other way around. I think it should be mindful when you're a bride, BM, whatever to be a friend first and foremost.

well if your friends expect you to answer a text about a penis cake immediately in the middle of work, I'd agree that they are being needy.

PDKH said:

MrsLillyG said:

So there are people that frequent internet wedding forums that respond to strangers often that get annoyed when their real life friends ask WR questions?
I ask questions here. I think it's only fair to respond to questions as well.

ETA:I also ask questions here so I don't drive my friends nuts.

gotcha.

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