Controlling FMIL. HELP!

Re: Controlling FMIL. HELP!

• Jen4948 member

  

  October 2013

  Don't have any more conversations with her about planning.  If she brings up anything you don't want to do, tell her "Thanks, we'll take that under advisement" and bean-dip her (change the subject) whenever she brings it up again.
  
  If that doesn't work, your FI needs to make clear to her that since she's not paying, those who are paying are the ones who get says.  He should also tell her to knock off the rude comments and make it clear to her that there will be adverse consequences for her if she doesn't.
  
  
  

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• MissB227 member

  

  October 2013

  Thanks for the advice Jen! My FI has NUMEROUS times had talks with her, that is part of the problem is that we've told her things, and she still acts out like this. It goes in one ear & out the other wth her!

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• tammym1001 member

  

  October 2013

  Your FI needs to have a talk with her about the fact that your parents need to be there because they are paying for it. 

  
  

  As far as the guest list goes, your wedding isn't for two years. While I know you need to a general idea of the number to make plans there's no way someone could put together a guest list for a party that is two years away. So many things could change in that time.

  
  

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• Jen4948 member

  

  October 2013

  MissB227 said:

  Thanks for the advice Jen! My FI has NUMEROUS times had talks with her, that is part of the problem is that we've told her things, and she still acts out like this. It goes in one ear & out the other wth her!

  I'm sorry to hear that.  Under the circumstances, I'd just minimize her involvement in the plans, no matter how upset she gets about that.  Or, you might consider delegating to her an area you really don't care about to plan as she sees fit.  If that doesn't work, just leave her out of the rest of the plans, and your FI can tell her, "Due to your lack of respect for us, we're going to do this on our own.  You're welcome to join us at the wedding, but you have to leave your hostility and disrespectful attitude at home.  Any rudeness or scenes from you will result in you being escorted away-in police custody, if necessary."  And be prepared to follow through if you have to on that.
  

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• OliveOilsMom member

  

  October 2013

  MissB227 said:

  My FI and I set our date at our dream venue. We had been wanting to book this venue since before we got engaged, we then found out after our engangement that the venue was quite pricey. My parents decided to go look at it and fell in love with it, and put a deposite down for Oct 2015 since they already had 2 saturdays booked for Oct 2015. When my FI told FMIL she went nuts. She is upset because she was not there. She has a very busy schedule on top of everything, so we couldn't exactly wait until is was good for her to go since it would have been weeks.She has also been making us think she has no interest in wedding planning. We asked her for her guest list a month ago, we still haven't gotten it. We took her to a different venue, she was on her phone the whole time and kept making rude comments comments. Why would we want to bring her when she was acting this way? Not to mention, she only points out the negative in things, and I don't want her to ruin my dream wedding which I feel like she has been doing. She's been pushing us to get married in a Church, but neither of us want that. Now she is pushing a priest to come on site if we don't do the church. She also feels that if she isn't going to appointments then my parents should not be (my parents are paying for the entire wedding).This is only the beginning of the planning, & I do not know what to do about her. Any advice?! 

  Stop talking any plans with FMIL.  If she asks why she doesn't hear about plans anymore, your FI should tell her that because of her negative attitude, she is no longer being included.

  As for the priest, you and FI need to plan the type of ceremony that is right for you.  And if she is trying to drag a Catholic priest into this, she won't get very far.  There are strict rules for marrying in the Catholic faith. Any priest that would come to a venue to marry a couple is not in good standing with the Church anyway and she would be wasting her time and money.  I would do your best to keep ALL ceremony information to yourselves.  Have the exact ceremony you want and avoid all talk from FMIL about the type of ceremony she thinks you should have.

  

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• MissB227 member

  

  October 2013

  Thank you for the advice everyone! It makes me feel better knowing that my thoughts of not including her or filling her in on things, is not a bad thing in this case!

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• MairePoppy mod

  

  October 2013

  The only people who should be present at vendor and venue appointments are those who are paying and anyone they would like to include. Information about costs should be strictly confidential. Your FMIL is clearly out of line.

  
  

  Since your parents are in charge of the budget, they get to decide on how many guests your FMIL may invite, so you don't need the exact guest list yet. Tell FMIL that your parents have very generously offered to pay for her X number of guests and they need the list, complete with addresses, by X date so you can send out the invitations.  Make sure she knows there will be no adjustments to the list after the due date. 

  
  

  If you're talking about a Roman Catholic priest, don't worry. They won't marry you outside the church, without your full consent and completion of precanna. 

  
  

  Your Fi should have a heart to heart talk with his mom. He should tell her that she is offending both of you, as well as your very generous parents. Give her only necessary information until she starts playing nicely. 

  
  

  Good luck, MissB227, don't let FMIL bully you.

                     

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• zitiqueen member

  

  October 2013

  You didn't like my response over on Nuptial Nightmares?

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• SlothGoals member

  

  October 2013

  Now that the venue is booked stop talking wedding with FMIL. You have 2 years to go so there really shouldn't be anything you need to discuss with/mention to her.

  
  

  Also, you probably don't need her guest list this far out. So many things can change in 2 years, slow your roll and enjoy being engaged.

   

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• kmj500 member

  

  October 2013

  My FI and I are currently going through something very similar, so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one. Here are some of my favorite “highlights” of his mother so far:

  ·    Saying I shouldn’t be inviting so much family because she doesn’t have an equal amount to invite (she hasn’t offered any money at this point)

   

  ·    Insisting that if they do contribute money, it has to be split equally between them, my parents and us (oh, and my dress cannot be included in this equal amount that my parents are supposed to contribute)<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

  ·    Saying it’s tacky not to feed all your guests, then throwing a tantrum when we said we plan on feeding all our guests (stems back to her thinking that 95% of the guests are mine, she refuses to accept that we are split 50/50)

  ·    Saying she will not help my mom plan the rehearsal dinner because she thinks it will be just a bunch of my family and just her and her husband and that it wouldn’t be up to my standards (yep, because I’m that ungrateful when people throw me a party…)

  ·    Completely shutting down and becoming mute whenever we try to bring up the wedding

  Ya, it’s been so fun! Since she has done nothing but made ridiculous assumptions about me and my family, FI and I have decided to not to even try and involve her anymore. The sad thing is it isn’t hurting me as much as it’s hurting my FI. He thought his mom would be excited that he’s getting married after dating me for 5 and a half years but apparently not.

   

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