S/O: Which is more offensive?

HisGirlFriday13 · October 2013

There was a thread on another board the other day about brides who still remembered, decades later, people who didn't get them wedding presents.

DH and I had a kind of similar conversation this morning.

Which is more offensive to you: Someone who doesn't get you a wedding present, or someone who doesn't write you a thank-you note?

For me, it's the thank-you note. I was genuinely surprised, pleased, and touched that our guests got us wedding presents, because it certainly wasn't expected. I wrote all of our TYs (38 in the three days after the wedding alone; another 25 before the wedding) and got them in the mail Thursday.

I can still remember every single bride who didn't write me a thank-you note, and in every case, it negatively impacted our friendship. No TY for the wedding? No baby shower gift for you. I don't expect a present from you, but I damn sure expect a thank-you in a reasonable time (less than two months) if I've gone to the trouble to give you a gift.

The one that still rankles me the most is the girl for whom I crocheted a full-sized bed blanket for as a wedding present. No TY from her, ever. I'm still bitter.

grumbledore · October 2013

HisGirlFriday13 said:

There was a thread on another board the other day about brides who still remembered, decades later, people who didn't get them wedding presents.

DH and I had a kind of similar conversation this morning.

Which is more offensive to you: Someone who doesn't get you a wedding present, or someone who doesn't write you a thank-you note?

For me, it's the thank-you note. I was genuinely surprised, pleased, and touched that our guests got us wedding presents, because it certainly wasn't expected. I wrote all of our TYs (38 in the three days after the wedding alone; another 25 before the wedding) and got them in the mail Thursday.

I can still remember every single bride who didn't write me a thank-you note, and in every case, it negatively impacted our friendship. No TY for the wedding? No baby shower gift for you. I don't expect a present from you, but I damn sure expect a thank-you in a reasonable time (less than two months) if I've gone to the trouble to give you a gift.

The one that still rankles me the most is the girl for whom I crocheted a full-sized bed blanket for as a wedding present. No TY from her, ever. I'm still bitter.

No thank you note is much more offensive than no gift.

No thank you note is "Fuck you, I already got the present, I don't give a shit what you think."

No gift is actually fine, since a couple shouldn't expect gifts. However, I would never not give a gift for a wedding. Ever.

grumbledore · October 2013

I also follow the "no thank you note, no more presents for you" rule.

CTYankeeBride · October 2013

Hands down, I find it more rude to not send a TY for a gift than it is to not give a gift at all. Gifts are optional, TY's for gifts received are not.

annathy03 · October 2013

No gift isn't really offensive, so this is a no brainer. There is only one bride I understood not sending thank yous, she'd gotten the majority but not all of them out when her H had a stroke and died 6 weeks after the wedding. If and when she remarries I'll get her another gift, because holy hell I can't even imagine going through that.

doeydo · October 2013

The no thank you note offends me more than not getting me a gift, which is actually fine. If I never received a thank you note after giving someone a gift for their wedding or something I would definitely remember it and feel like they were ungrateful.

smalfrie19 · October 2013

I am still kinda PO'ed that my cousin who I bought a baby shower gift for has not sent TY notes..and the baby has now arrived...and the shower was back in .July?...its kinda upsetting..

mimiphin · October 2013

No Thank-you is worse to me.

Gifts are not required, but always welcome

Thank you cards are just plain manners!!!

phira · October 2013

No thank-you note is much worse!!

mysticl · October 2013

The only people I specifically remember not getting us gifts are the ones who said they would send something but we never received anything. The only reason it matters to me is there is this nagging thought in the back of my mind of what if they did send us something and it got lost or stolen off the front step and they think we were rude by never acknowledging the gift.

As for the no thank you note, it's annoying but I try not to dwell on it. I haven't gotten them for 3 out of the last 4 weddings I've been too. Interestingly the brides in 2 of those weddings and the groom in the 3rd are all siblings.

tigersgirlgv · October 2013

This thread reminds me of this week's episode of How I Met Your Mother. Lily and Marshall held a grudge that Ted never gave them a wedding present and he was really mad because he got them a present and they never wrote a thank you note.

Rebl90 · October 2013

I can't stand not getting thank you notes. My mother made me write thank you notes the day after every birthday and christmas so it really upsets me when someone ignores common courtesy. There was no thank you for a handmade queen-sized quilt for a bridal shower, no thank you after making a crib-sized quilt for a baby shower, and no thank you for hosting another baby shower, it genuinely hurts to be ignored in such a way. I also made a decision recently not add a friend to my guest list because I didn't receive a note after her wedding 2 years ago. It made me glad that I didn't take time of work to go to her shower! (The wedding "e-vite" should have tipped me off!!)

mysticl · October 2013

tigersgirlgv said:

This thread reminds me of this week's episode of How I Met Your Mother. Lily and Marshall held a grudge that Ted never gave them a wedding present and he was really mad because he got them a present and they never wrote a thank you note.

That is totally my irrational fear, that there is a sheet set or another George Forman Grill (we got 3) floating around out there that I never acknowledged because I didn't get it.

loca4pook · October 2013

To start, I thought the Lily/ Ted episode spoke the TRUTH. Brides/Grooms DO get hurt when gifts aren't given..and when thank you cards aren't received.

For me, both would bug me though I think "thank you" cards dont bug me as much because it is easier for me to assume it got lost in the mail or something

I know this won't be popular to say "no gift", but think about it this way before you judge the comment:

I get that everyone here that says "gifts aren't required", HOWEVER, every single time sombody posts this on this site they always write " gifts aren't required, but I would never go to a wedding without a gift". If gifts aren't required, Why does everyone always say that on here? You know why? Because deep down, we don't want to offend the bride/groom by NOT bringing one, and we want to shower them with gifts, therefore on some level, we do all understand bringning a gift is important.

so if everyone says it, doesn't that also say something about the rudeness of attending a wedding without bringing one for no good reason?!?! I am not talking about in certain circumstances where finances are hurting (that makes sense) or you spent a fortune attending the wedding...or the bride did some PPD. I am talking about just normal, average wedding attendance

I am just talking about an average guest who attends a local wedding purely as a guest. I think THAT would hurt my feelings if the person just didn't feel like giving me a gift because to me, that seems like "oh, I didn't really care enough about you to waste money on you" To me, that also gives a message that you aren't that important to them, or that your wedding offended them somehow, therefore they don't feel the need to give you a gift. Because, let's be honest, none of us would go to a wedding of our best friend and NOT give a gift if we could afford it.

Let's be honest, not one single person on here would openly admit to NOT giving a gift for no good reason. Do you know why? Because it would be hurtful. Everytime people on this site admit to not giving a gift it's because one of the following reasons 1) poor 2) PPD 3)Cash bar--therefore didn't host properly.etc...Baseically, every reason was either a) finances b) upset with bride/groom for something...

I have never once heard a person say on here "my best friend is getting married, but I don't feel like giving her a gift so I am just going to go emptyhanded". Do you know why? Because we know deep down that would be hurtful to the friend, therefore you wouldn't consider doing it ever. Now, I am not talking about the times where are Best friend acted like a bridezilla, had a cash bar, and made you pay 4000 for a bridesmaid dress. I am just talking about normal attendance to a wedding.

I hope that makes sense.

HisGirlFriday13 · October 2013

I think that made sense, but I also think it's presumptuous of you to assume you know your friends' personal finances.

I mean, yes, we all say we wouldn't go empty-handed, and probably that's true. But if it were a really good friend -- someone you wanted to see get married -- would you skip the wedding just because your car crapped out on you and you needed to pour money into repairing it the week before the wedding, leaving you strapped for cash for a gift? I think most people wouldn't.

I just think B&Gs shouldn't jump to the conclusion that the ONLY reason for no gift is that the person didn't want to or was thoughtless. I think oftentimes there's a lot more going on than people know.

loca4pook · October 2013

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I think that made sense, but I also think it's presumptuous of you to assume you know your friends' personal finances.

I mean, yes, we all say we wouldn't go empty-handed, and probably that's true. But if it were a really good friend -- someone you wanted to see get married -- would you skip the wedding just because your car crapped out on you and you needed to pour money into repairing it the week before the wedding, leaving you strapped for cash for a gift? I think most people wouldn't.

I just think B&Gs shouldn't jump to the conclusion that the ONLY reason for no gift is that the person didn't want to or was thoughtless. I think oftentimes there's a lot more going on than people know.

I am talking about people where finances aren't an issue. That is totally understandable.

Here would be an example

Say you have a friend and you see how she spends money on a routine basis therefore it is quite clear money isn't an issue, and then they give you no gift.. Let's be honest, that would probably hurt all of our feelings because it DOES give a message of "I have money, but I just don't care enough to spend it on you"...

blueobsidian · October 2013

loca4pook said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I think that made sense, but I also think it's presumptuous of you to assume you know your friends' personal finances.

I mean, yes, we all say we wouldn't go empty-handed, and probably that's true. But if it were a really good friend -- someone you wanted to see get married -- would you skip the wedding just because your car crapped out on you and you needed to pour money into repairing it the week before the wedding, leaving you strapped for cash for a gift? I think most people wouldn't.

I just think B&Gs shouldn't jump to the conclusion that the ONLY reason for no gift is that the person didn't want to or was thoughtless. I think oftentimes there's a lot more going on than people know.

I am talking about people where finances aren't an issue. That is totally understandable.

But how do you know the financial situation of every person on your guest list? I didn't go telling everyone that I know when I was having trouble getting by. My best friends and immediate family knew, but why would I tell extended family about financial hardships?

aurorajanette · October 2013

blueobsidian said:

loca4pook said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I think that made sense, but I also think it's presumptuous of you to assume you know your friends' personal finances.

I mean, yes, we all say we wouldn't go empty-handed, and probably that's true. But if it were a really good friend -- someone you wanted to see get married -- would you skip the wedding just because your car crapped out on you and you needed to pour money into repairing it the week before the wedding, leaving you strapped for cash for a gift? I think most people wouldn't.

I just think B&Gs shouldn't jump to the conclusion that the ONLY reason for no gift is that the person didn't want to or was thoughtless. I think oftentimes there's a lot more going on than people know.

I am talking about people where finances aren't an issue. That is totally understandable.

But how do you know the financial situation of every person on your guest list? I didn't go telling everyone that I know when I was having trouble getting by. My best friends and immediate family knew, but why would I tell extended family about financial hardships?

My thoughts exactly! There have been times when I was incredibly broke, living paycheck to paycheck, but no one ever knew. My family and friends had no idea. I just made a point of living modestly until I could get back on my feet.

Viczaesar · October 2013

loca4pook said:

To start, I thought the Lily/ Ted episode spoke the TRUTH. Brides/Grooms DO get hurt when gifts aren't given..and when thank you cards aren't received.

For me, both would bug me though I think "thank you" cards dont bug me as much because it is easier for me to assume it got lost in the mail or something

I know this won't be popular to say "no gift", but think about it this way before you judge the comment:

I get that everyone here that says "gifts aren't required", HOWEVER, every single time sombody posts this on this site they always write " gifts aren't required, but I would never go to a wedding without a gift". If gifts aren't required, Why does everyone always say that on here? You know why? Because deep down, we don't want to offend the bride/groom by NOT bringing one, and we want to shower them with gifts, therefore on some level, we do all understand bringning a gift is important.

so if everyone says it, doesn't that also say something about the rudeness of attending a wedding without bringing one for no good reason?!?! I am not talking about in certain circumstances where finances are hurting (that makes sense) or you spent a fortune attending the wedding...or the bride did some PPD. I am talking about just normal, average wedding attendance

I am just talking about an average guest who attends a local wedding purely as a guest. I think THAT would hurt my feelings if the person just didn't feel like giving me a gift because to me, that seems like "oh, I didn't really care enough about you to waste money on you" To me, that also gives a message that you aren't that important to them, or that your wedding offended them somehow, therefore they don't feel the need to give you a gift. Because, let's be honest, none of us would go to a wedding of our best friend and NOT give a gift if we could afford it.

Let's be honest, not one single person on here would openly admit to NOT giving a gift for no good reason. Do you know why? Because it would be hurtful. Everytime people on this site admit to not giving a gift it's because one of the following reasons 1) poor 2) PPD 3)Cash bar--therefore didn't host properly.etc...Baseically, every reason was either a) finances b) upset with bride/groom for something...

I have never once heard a person say on here "my best friend is getting married, but I don't feel like giving her a gift so I am just going to go emptyhanded". Do you know why? Because we know deep down that would be hurtful to the friend, therefore you wouldn't consider doing it ever. Now, I am not talking about the times where are Best friend acted like a bridezilla, had a cash bar, and made you pay 4000 for a bridesmaid dress. I am just talking about normal attendance to a wedding.

I hope that makes sense.

Nope. Gifts aren't required and I have gone to weddings without giving a present. (There's obviously more to the story, but it's not relevant to this discussion.)

photokitty · October 2013

No thank you is worse, BUT no gift and no card is a close second. Don't get us gift, fine. But at least give us an empty card to wish well and let us know we didn't lose your gift somehow in the shuffle. No one is ever financially strapped to the point that they can't go get a card at the dollar store and write a heart felt message. Actually I think that might be worse than not sending a thank you bc you place anxiety on the couple- they have to worry that they lost a gift and are the rude ones for not thanking the person.

loca4pook · October 2013

photokitty said:

No thank you is worse, BUT no gift and no card is a close second. Don't get us gift, fine. But at least give us an empty card to wish well and let us know we didn't lose your gift somehow in the shuffle. No one is ever financially strapped to the point that they can't go get a card at the dollar store and write a heart felt message. Actually I think that might be worse than not sending a thank you bc you place anxiety on the couple- they have to worry that they lost a gift and are the rude ones for not thanking the person.

EXACTLY.

Viczaesar said:

loca4pook said:

To start, I thought the Lily/ Ted episode spoke the TRUTH. Brides/Grooms DO get hurt when gifts aren't given..and when thank you cards aren't received.

For me, both would bug me though I think "thank you" cards dont bug me as much because it is easier for me to assume it got lost in the mail or something

I know this won't be popular to say "no gift", but think about it this way before you judge the comment:

I get that everyone here that says "gifts aren't required", HOWEVER, every single time sombody posts this on this site they always write " gifts aren't required, but I would never go to a wedding without a gift". If gifts aren't required, Why does everyone always say that on here? You know why? Because deep down, we don't want to offend the bride/groom by NOT bringing one, and we want to shower them with gifts, therefore on some level, we do all understand bringning a gift is important.

so if everyone says it, doesn't that also say something about the rudeness of attending a wedding without bringing one for no good reason?!?! I am not talking about in certain circumstances where finances are hurting (that makes sense) or you spent a fortune attending the wedding...or the bride did some PPD. I am talking about just normal, average wedding attendance

I am just talking about an average guest who attends a local wedding purely as a guest. I think THAT would hurt my feelings if the person just didn't feel like giving me a gift because to me, that seems like "oh, I didn't really care enough about you to waste money on you" To me, that also gives a message that you aren't that important to them, or that your wedding offended them somehow, therefore they don't feel the need to give you a gift. Because, let's be honest, none of us would go to a wedding of our best friend and NOT give a gift if we could afford it.

Let's be honest, not one single person on here would openly admit to NOT giving a gift for no good reason. Do you know why? Because it would be hurtful. Everytime people on this site admit to not giving a gift it's because one of the following reasons 1) poor 2) PPD 3)Cash bar--therefore didn't host properly.etc...Baseically, every reason was either a) finances b) upset with bride/groom for something...

I have never once heard a person say on here "my best friend is getting married, but I don't feel like giving her a gift so I am just going to go emptyhanded". Do you know why? Because we know deep down that would be hurtful to the friend, therefore you wouldn't consider doing it ever. Now, I am not talking about the times where are Best friend acted like a bridezilla, had a cash bar, and made you pay 4000 for a bridesmaid dress. I am just talking about normal attendance to a wedding.

I hope that makes sense.

Nope. Gifts aren't required and I have gone to weddings without giving a present. (There's obviously more to the story, but it's not relevant to this discussion.)

but you proved my point. There is ALWAYS "more to the story" related to being "offended" or it due to financial reasons.

I totally get people who don't give gifts due to financial reasons, traveling far distances, etc. I am not speaking of THOSE circumstances, I am talking about people who just dont want to give a gift.

Example:

You have a friend who goes to the bars with you, drops 100.00 on booze without thought, buys expensive Prada bags like they are going out of style, but then doesn't even give you even an empty card at your wedding, I call your bluff. You guys WOULD probably be offended. THOSE are the people I speak of. To ME, that would be more offensive than "no thank you" card because it basically shows you they purely don't want to waste their money on you.

I think the Lily/Ted example is perfect from HIMYM. Lily was close enough to Ted to know his ongoing spending expenses, THAT is why they were upset in that episode because they believed he just didn't care enough to give a gift ..I am talking about those type of circumstances actually

CheleLyn · October 2013

I have always taught my kids to send a thank-you note. We've lived away from family most of their lives so most gifts they received by mailed. I wanted them to #1 let the sender know the gift WAS in fact received, and #2 show some gratitude. My 15yo daughter recently reminded me that we needed new stationary for thank yous when she received a cash gift for her birthday from someone she had JUST met (FI's aunt). J's aunt called his mom excitedly and proud that she had been acknowledged and thanked properly

I am ALWAYS way more offended by the lack of thank you cards. Even my 8yo son has complained about not receiving a ty card after attending birthday parties!

TY notes are NOT that difficult and ALWAYS appreciated...it's the least someone can do.

grumbledore · October 2013

photokitty said:

No thank you is worse, BUT no gift and no card is a close second. Don't get us gift, fine. But at least give us an empty card to wish well and let us know we didn't lose your gift somehow in the shuffle. No one is ever financially strapped to the point that they can't go get a card at the dollar store and write a heart felt message. Actually I think that might be worse than not sending a thank you bc you place anxiety on the couple- they have to worry that they lost a gift and are the rude ones for not thanking the person.

I agree. While technically it is okay to not give a gift, it is not generally accepted in my experience. Unless there were extenuating circumstances, I would never show up empty handed.

"DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband’s niece was engaged to be married in the summer, but the wedding was moved up because she and her fiance decided they couldn’t wait. Their ages are 19 and 18,

She announced on her Facebook page that they were getting married that day. This was the only announcement; no formal communication was sent out, even to family members.

My husband insists that a generic announcement to the entire Facebook world does not warrant a wedding gift, and I am inclined to agree with him. The rest of his family has been sending gifts. We don’t feel we should be required to add to the general decline in manners, but we’re also afraid that making conditional terms for gift-giving may be a breach of etiquette in itself.

How does one handle the unfortunate new etiquette of the Facebook age?

GENTLE READER: And how does Miss Manners handle the unfortunate misconceptions about the etiquette of giving wedding presents?

There is no such thing as an invoice for a wedding present. Neither a wedding invitation nor a formal announcement constitutes that. You give a wedding present because you want to indicate symbolically that you care about the couple.

Yes, there is a catch. That is that you should not be attending a wedding if you do not care about the couple (either truly, or because they are relatives and you are supposed to care), and therefore wedding guests give wedding presents. If you decline the invitation, or if you are not invited but receive an announcement, all that is required is that you send the couple good wishes.

So even if you had received a formal announcement of this marriage, you might have skipped the present. But remember that word “required.” That means the decent minimum, which many people rudely skip, because they consider that an invitation is an invoice, but an announcement can be entirely ignored.

Your quibble is that not only were you not invited to a wedding, but you didn’t even get a formal announcement. But look at the circumstances. An elopement is the least formal wedding, which is fine, and the couple chose the least formal way of letting people know about it.

So — what is required of you? Nothing, if you want to pretend that you didn’t see their posting, until you are told directly. However, an expression of good wishes is necessary if you admit that you do know of the marriage. Adding a present over this minimum would show that you care. Or that you want, for the family’s sake, to seem to care."

So, I guess where I come down on this is - you aren't required to give a gift, and if you don't have the means then you shouldn't have to feel guilty about not having the means. Give a thoughtful card and move on. If you have the means and you care about the couple, the right thing to do is to give a gift, and that's the rule I go by. If I don't want to buy you a gift (just because I don't want to, not because I do not have the means), I'm going to decline, because clearly I don't care about you enough to be there in the first place.

annathy03 · October 2013

I feel like I've said this before, but @grumbledore for TK president!

Gifts are never required, but personally I would never come without so much as a card. Well, unless FI and I mis-communicte about who is sending the gift and end up sending it a few weeks after the wedding. But we still send one.

Viczaesar · October 2013

loca4pook said:

photokitty said:

No thank you is worse, BUT no gift and no card is a close second. Don't get us gift, fine. But at least give us an empty card to wish well and let us know we didn't lose your gift somehow in the shuffle. No one is ever financially strapped to the point that they can't go get a card at the dollar store and write a heart felt message. Actually I think that might be worse than not sending a thank you bc you place anxiety on the couple- they have to worry that they lost a gift and are the rude ones for not thanking the person.

EXACTLY.

Viczaesar said:

loca4pook said:

To start, I thought the Lily/ Ted episode spoke the TRUTH. Brides/Grooms DO get hurt when gifts aren't given..and when thank you cards aren't received.

For me, both would bug me though I think "thank you" cards dont bug me as much because it is easier for me to assume it got lost in the mail or something

I know this won't be popular to say "no gift", but think about it this way before you judge the comment:

I get that everyone here that says "gifts aren't required", HOWEVER, every single time sombody posts this on this site they always write " gifts aren't required, but I would never go to a wedding without a gift". If gifts aren't required, Why does everyone always say that on here? You know why? Because deep down, we don't want to offend the bride/groom by NOT bringing one, and we want to shower them with gifts, therefore on some level, we do all understand bringning a gift is important.

so if everyone says it, doesn't that also say something about the rudeness of attending a wedding without bringing one for no good reason?!?! I am not talking about in certain circumstances where finances are hurting (that makes sense) or you spent a fortune attending the wedding...or the bride did some PPD. I am talking about just normal, average wedding attendance

I am just talking about an average guest who attends a local wedding purely as a guest. I think THAT would hurt my feelings if the person just didn't feel like giving me a gift because to me, that seems like "oh, I didn't really care enough about you to waste money on you" To me, that also gives a message that you aren't that important to them, or that your wedding offended them somehow, therefore they don't feel the need to give you a gift. Because, let's be honest, none of us would go to a wedding of our best friend and NOT give a gift if we could afford it.

Let's be honest, not one single person on here would openly admit to NOT giving a gift for no good reason. Do you know why? Because it would be hurtful. Everytime people on this site admit to not giving a gift it's because one of the following reasons 1) poor 2) PPD 3)Cash bar--therefore didn't host properly.etc...Baseically, every reason was either a) finances b) upset with bride/groom for something...

I have never once heard a person say on here "my best friend is getting married, but I don't feel like giving her a gift so I am just going to go emptyhanded". Do you know why? Because we know deep down that would be hurtful to the friend, therefore you wouldn't consider doing it ever. Now, I am not talking about the times where are Best friend acted like a bridezilla, had a cash bar, and made you pay 4000 for a bridesmaid dress. I am just talking about normal attendance to a wedding.

I hope that makes sense.

Nope. Gifts aren't required and I have gone to weddings without giving a present. (There's obviously more to the story, but it's not relevant to this discussion.)

but you proved my point. There is ALWAYS "more to the story" related to being "offended" or it due to financial reasons.

I totally get people who don't give gifts due to financial reasons, traveling far distances, etc. I am not speaking of THOSE circumstances, I am talking about people who just dont want to give a gift.

Example:

You have a friend who goes to the bars with you, drops 100.00 on booze without thought, buys expensive Prada bags like they are going out of style, but then doesn't even give you even an empty card at your wedding, I call your bluff. You guys WOULD probably be offended. THOSE are the people I speak of. To ME, that would be more offensive than "no thank you" card because it basically shows you they purely don't want to waste their money on you.

I think the Lily/Ted example is perfect from HIMYM. Lily was close enough to Ted to know his ongoing spending expenses, THAT is why they were upset in that episode because they believed he just didn't care enough to give a gift ..I am talking about those type of circumstances actually

No, I didn't. There's more to the story, but that doesn't mean that the reasons were because of finances or because I was upset with the couple. That's what you're assuming, not what I'm saying.

photokitty · October 2013

Did you give them an Empty card with well wishes? To me that is a gift. Not a gift i send a TY card for, but a gift none the less.

On the other hand, i do think there are other reasons than financial or offense. My cousin is always late with wedding gifts - if you get one...my brother is past the one year mark and no gift. I think she's just lazy. I know her etiquette standards are far below those of my immediate family, so i'm confidant none of us offended her and i know she loves us all. She is just too lazy, busy, distracted, or something else to get the gift.

I am certainly not suggesting vicz is lazy, just that there could be other reasons.

loca4pook · October 2013

grumbledore said:

photokitty said:

No thank you is worse, BUT no gift and no card is a close second. Don't get us gift, fine. But at least give us an empty card to wish well and let us know we didn't lose your gift somehow in the shuffle. No one is ever financially strapped to the point that they can't go get a card at the dollar store and write a heart felt message. Actually I think that might be worse than not sending a thank you bc you place anxiety on the couple- they have to worry that they lost a gift and are the rude ones for not thanking the person.
I agree. While technically it is okay to not give a gift, it is not generally accepted in my experience. Unless there were extenuating circumstances, I would never show up empty handed.

"DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband’s niece was engaged to be married in the summer, but the wedding was moved up because she and her fiance decided they couldn’t wait. Their ages are 19 and 18,

She announced on her Facebook page that they were getting married that day. This was the only announcement; no formal communication was sent out, even to family members.

My husband insists that a generic announcement to the entire Facebook world does not warrant a wedding gift, and I am inclined to agree with him. The rest of his family has been sending gifts. We don’t feel we should be required to add to the general decline in manners, but we’re also afraid that making conditional terms for gift-giving may be a breach of etiquette in itself.

How does one handle the unfortunate new etiquette of the Facebook age?

GENTLE READER: And how does Miss Manners handle the unfortunate misconceptions about the etiquette of giving wedding presents?

There is no such thing as an invoice for a wedding present. Neither a wedding invitation nor a formal announcement constitutes that. You give a wedding present because you want to indicate symbolically that you care about the couple.

Yes, there is a catch. That is that you should not be attending a wedding if you do not care about the couple (either truly, or because they are relatives and you are supposed to care), and therefore wedding guests give wedding presents. If you decline the invitation, or if you are not invited but receive an announcement, all that is required is that you send the couple good wishes.

So even if you had received a formal announcement of this marriage, you might have skipped the present. But remember that word “required.” That means the decent minimum, which many people rudely skip, because they consider that an invitation is an invoice, but an announcement can be entirely ignored.

Your quibble is that not only were you not invited to a wedding, but you didn’t even get a formal announcement. But look at the circumstances. An elopement is the least formal wedding, which is fine, and the couple chose the least formal way of letting people know about it.

So — what is required of you? Nothing, if you want to pretend that you didn’t see their posting, until you are told directly. However, an expression of good wishes is necessary if you admit that you do know of the marriage. Adding a present over this minimum would show that you care. Or that you want, for the family’s sake, to seem to care."

So, I guess where I come down on this is - you aren't required to give a gift, and if you don't have the means then you shouldn't have to feel guilty about not having the means. Give a thoughtful card and move on. If you have the means and you care about the couple, the right thing to do is to give a gift, and that's the rule I go by. If I don't want to buy you a gift (just because I don't want to, not because I do not have the means), I'm going to decline, because clearly I don't care about you enough to be there in the first place.

Thank you. That was my exact point.

When someone CAN afford to give a gift, but chooses NOT to, that gives a clear message to the bride/groom, IMO.

banana468 · October 2013

Lack of TY note is definitely worse than no gift but lack of gift can be really touchy too.

DH's cousin got married last year and had a baby this year. We gave shower, wedding and baby gifts and have yet to receive any note. I'm done with gifts for them.

BUT, when I thought my brother had just not given me a gift, that hurt. He did and we still use it but I'll admit to thinking that he should have given one.

nsweare · October 2013

I don't get as worked up over the lack of thank-you as most. My gift-giving isn't contingent on a thank you. I give gifts because I want to show someone I care, not because I want an acknowledgment. That's not to say that I'm not a little perturbed when there is no thank-you. For a wedding gift, usually a card with a check, I get upset with no thank you, because the couple didn't have the chance to tell me thank you when they opened it (like they can at a shower), plus there's always a chance they didn't get it. But honestly, if the bride opens my gift at a shower and thanks me then, and seems truly grateful, then I can let a lack of thank-you note slide.

I actually find the lack of card/gift more unnerving. I think a card with well-wishes is fine. But no card says to me that you're just there for the free food and booze, not because you care about the couple.

CallaLily25 · October 2013

Definitely no thank you note. I think it makes you look ungrateful and self-absorbed.

TerriHugg · October 2013

Once again I have the rogue opinion here. While I do agree not giving a thank you note is rude, I wouldn't hold it against the person forever. And I certainly wouldn't be of the mind that I won't give you any further baby gifts, etc. because of it. I think that looks passive aggressive and you'll look like the jerk to the friend for not giving a gift to their baby with no explanation at all.

Yes, not receiving a thank you note is rude. However, it's much easier for me to believe that it got lost in the mail etc. Besides, I was always taught that a true gift is given with no expectation of anything in return and that includes thank you notes (even though getting a thank you note is the right thing.) I just don't like to hold grudges over petty things. Life is too short for that and I'm not gonna let someone's inconsideration or lack of a thank you card change the person I am. I like to give to people whether they show appreciation or not. So if I give you a gift and you send me a thank you card, I'd be very happy. If you don't send me thank you card, I will remember but that won't stop me from giving other things to you and it certainly won't change the dynamic of our relationship.

S/O: Which is more offensive?

Re: S/O: Which is more offensive?

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