The hard questions

[Deleted User] · October 2013

So my engagement ring is kind of flashy, which I would have never picked but is neither here nor there, and because of that I have had a few people look at me a go "ooo is it real?"

I'm embarrassed for anyone who would ever say anything like that but because I'm so stunned I have no idea what I'm supposed to say! "Of course it is ass hole" seems harsh and rude but telling someone that's not polite or non of their business is going to imply it's not real and screw that my FI got me this thing!!!

How is a person supposed to respond to that kind of stupidity and rudeness?

s-aries8990 · October 2013

Honestly, I'd just laugh and say "didn't he do a great job?"

I wouldn't directly respond.

phira · October 2013

I agree. What the fuck kind of question is that?

"It's actually a hologram. Please don't tell anyone!"

"Why, yes, it IS real sugar! Thanks for asking."

climbingsingle · October 2013

"Oh, bless your heart! Of course it's real."

southernbelle0915 · October 2013

clairekundinger said:

So my engagement ring is kind of flashy, which I would have never picked but is neither here nor there, and because of that I have had a few people look at me a go "ooo is it real?" I'm embarrassed for anyone who would ever say anything like that but because I'm so stunned I have no idea what I'm supposed to say! "Of course it is ass hole" seems harsh and rude but telling someone that's not polite or non of their business is going to imply it's not real and screw that my FI got me this thing!!! How is a person supposed to respond to that kind of stupidity and rudeness?

I wish I could tell you it gets better or that idiots go away... but it doesn't and they don't. From an etiquette perspective, smile and say "yes". There's nothing else you can do without being rude or disingenuous.

In your head, you can of course say, "Derrr... no he bought me a fake one, jackass." But not out loud.

mimiphin · October 2013

s-aries8990 said:

Honestly, I'd just laugh and say "didn't he do a great job?"

I wouldn't directly respond.

I love this one!!!

Ven&Radio · October 2013

s-aries8990 said:

Honestly, I'd just laugh and say "didn't he do a great job?"

I wouldn't directly respond.

I think this is a pretty good response if you want to be nice about it. I'd probably call the other person out on sticking their nose where it didn't belong.

kitty8403 · October 2013

We got tons of "Did he pick that out all by himself???" Mine isn't flashy at all.
It started annoying him after awhile. He said, "Who did they THINK was supposed to pick it out?"
Some people's children!

KatWAG · October 2013

Same @kitty8403 I get a ton of "I bet you had to help him pick that out, riiight?" Ugh.

16maybeless · October 2013

ClimbingBrideNY said: "Oh, bless your heart! Of course it's real." Oooh, the Southern escape clause, as my Texan friend calls it. "Bless your heart" is just cutting.

As for OP ... ugh, what a tacky question to have asked of you! I would smile politely and change the subject.

southernbelle0915 · October 2013

KatWAG said:

Same @kitty8403 I get a ton of "I bet you had to help him pick that out, riiight?" Ugh.

Yes! I get this all the time. I want to be like, "No actually, he has really good taste and spent a ton of hours working with a jeweler to custom built it. He deserves more credit, damnit!!!" But then I get off my soapbox and say "heh, heh, no actually he picked it out allllll by himself!" and smile.

grumbledore · October 2013

That's so stupid.

daria24 · October 2013

I'd go with the Seinfeld response "They're real and they're SPECTACULAR!"

[Deleted User] · October 2013

daria24 said:
I'd go with the Seinfeld response "They're real and they're SPECTACULAR!"

I love that one! I would just never want to feel braggy!

It's better then my SIL I guess who asked if my ring was real and then 2 hours later came up to me and told me she figured it out... I must be pregnant.

ummmm nope. Just in love with someone who bought me a flashy ring and has been paying on it for months...... Not shotgun wedding it with a quarter machine egg win. *sigh*

XrebeccaX · October 2013

A lot of people have expressed disbelief that my fiance picked out my ring with no help from me. (Well I told him the kind of things I liked when he asked, but beyond that, he did everything.) To me this is strange...I liked the idea that he would pick out something based on what he knows about me and thought I would like.

My SIL gave her now-husband a list of "requirements" for her ring. It's pretty but knowing the list of demands that went into it dulls the luster a bit.

As for the OP - my response to questions like that is to look quizzically at the person and say, "Why would you ask me that?"

No one ever has a good answer.

annathy03 · October 2013

s-aries8990 said:

Honestly, I'd just laugh and say "didn't he do a great job?"

I wouldn't directly respond.

I think this is perfect.

Unrelated, OP if your username is your firstnamelastname please change it (@KnotPorscha should be able to help). There are some scary stalkery people on the interwebz.

photokitty · October 2013

I had a complete stranger grab my hand and ask me the same questions. I was too stunned to say anything but a murmured "yeah" as a pried my hand away. Granted it was at the state fair, so it wasn't the oddest, rudest or most obnoxious thing I saw that or heard that day :-p

ElcaB · October 2013

I'd say, "Is your hair color?"

JellyBean52513 · October 2013

I wouldn't be able to help myself. I'd probably ask them "What do you mean?" and see if they actually clarify their question as to whether or not I should them if my fiance bought me a fake diamond.

NYCBruin · October 2013

How rude!

People are ridiculous. I'm not sure what it is about engagement rings that makes people think they can intrude. I've had a lot of "oh wow, did he pick it out himself" and "let me see" followed by violent hand grabbing (that one irks me a lot-I really don't like random people touching me).

Maybe go off into an existential rant and ponder "what is real" out loud? Maybe end with a nod to The Matrix "there is no ring."

mysticl · October 2013

NYCBruin said:

How rude!

People are ridiculous. I'm not sure what it is about engagement rings that makes people think they can intrude. I've had a lot of "oh wow, did he pick it out himself" and "let me see" followed by violent hand grabbing (that one irks me a lot-I really don't like random people touching me).

Maybe go off into an existential rant and ponder "what is real" out loud? Maybe end with a nod to The Matrix "there is no ring."

Same thing happens when you are pregnant only it's complete strangers asking when you are due, boy or girl, what is the name, and touching your stomach. Then when you have they baby they come up to you wanting to know how old, what that name is, without offering any personal information about themselves and they want to touch the baby.

NYCBruin · October 2013

mysticl said:

NYCBruin said:

How rude!

People are ridiculous. I'm not sure what it is about engagement rings that makes people think they can intrude. I've had a lot of "oh wow, did he pick it out himself" and "let me see" followed by violent hand grabbing (that one irks me a lot-I really don't like random people touching me).

Maybe go off into an existential rant and ponder "what is real" out loud? Maybe end with a nod to The Matrix "there is no ring."

Same thing happens when you are pregnant only it's complete strangers asking when you are due, boy or girl, what is the name, and touching your stomach. Then when you have they baby they come up to you wanting to know how old, what that name is, without offering any personal information about themselves and they want to touch the baby.

This terrifies me. I dread the thought of having strangers think it's ok to touch my stomach.

MandyMost · October 2013

Personally I find the question rude, because it doesn't MATTER if it's real or not. In that same sense, I wouldn't respond with any type of "yes, of course it is!". I would deflect the question (i loved the "didn't he do a great job!" response), or simply say "I never bothered to ask" to make a point that it doesn't matter if it's a real diamond or not.

As for who picked it out, I am very particular about my jewelry. I gave a LOT of guidance into exactly what I wanted. I never mentioned sizes or costs or anything, but I a lot of comments and examples.

My ring is also not a typical engagement ring. It's an infinity band (little diamonds all the way around, and no one singular bigger stone). It's exactly what I wanted. I have gotten a LOT of terribly rude responses, along the lines of "That's your ENGAGEMENT ring?! It doesn't look like an engagement ring! It looks like a wedding band. Did he pick that out, and you're OK with it? Are you going to have a wedding band too?". Some people have been so rude about it. There's no law that says an engagement ring has to be one big stone (or one big stone flanked by smaller ones, etc.). I, personally, find a lot of engagement rings to be un-aesthetically pleasing to me, and any that are set in a way to make the stone look much bigger than it is (i.e. way high up off the finger) I find incredibly tacky--there is NOTHING wrong with a beautiful small stone, and trying to pretend it's bigger is just so tacky, and like admitting that you think there's something wrong with your beautiful small stone!

mysticl · October 2013

NYCBruin said:

NYCBruin said:

How rude!

People are ridiculous. I'm not sure what it is about engagement rings that makes people think they can intrude. I've had a lot of "oh wow, did he pick it out himself" and "let me see" followed by violent hand grabbing (that one irks me a lot-I really don't like random people touching me).

Maybe go off into an existential rant and ponder "what is real" out loud? Maybe end with a nod to The Matrix "there is no ring."

Same thing happens when you are pregnant only it's complete strangers asking when you are due, boy or girl, what is the name, and touching your stomach. Then when you have they baby they come up to you wanting to know how old, what that name is, without offering any personal information about themselves and they want to touch the baby.
This terrifies me. I dread the thought of having strangers think it's ok to touch my stomach.

I was pretty lucky. The only people who touched mine where DH (which was completely acceptable), SIL (who I was fine with), and my husband's co-worker's wife (she's a sweet girl but I barely know her, so that did bug me a bit). I got a ton of questions from complete strangers though.

AM26561 · October 2013

If you aren't afraid to be a little snooty, when asked a nosy question or one that you just don't want to answer, "Why do you want to know?" or "Interesting, why do you ask?" is always a good response.

Edit: wrong word

APDSS22 · October 2013

"Is it real, hmmm....What an interesting coincidence, I was just wondering that about your nose!" Just kidding. I've gotten some similar comments and I usually stick with "He did such a great job!" or "He knows me so well, it's exactly what I wanted."

Vivandiere8 · October 2013

I really don't like that question because what if a young couple didn't have a lot of money and he got her a ring that was another clear stone other than a diamond? Or she might be like my friend who actually wanted a white sapphire rather than a diamond. Nothing to do with expense, just what she wanted. In either case it isn't any less "real". "Is it real?" almost seems to imply it isn't a real engagement ring if it isn't a diamond. No one has asked me this question, but if they do I think I will answer with a baffled "Yes it's a real engagement ring... We really are engaged..."

artbyallie · October 2013

MandyMost said:

Personally I find the question rude, because it doesn't MATTER if it's real or not. In that same sense, I wouldn't respond with any type of "yes, of course it is!". I would deflect the question (i loved the "didn't he do a great job!" response), or simply say "I never bothered to ask" to make a point that it doesn't matter if it's a real diamond or not.

As for who picked it out, I am very particular about my jewelry. I gave a LOT of guidance into exactly what I wanted. I never mentioned sizes or costs or anything, but I a lot of comments and examples.

My ring is also not a typical engagement ring. It's an infinity band (little diamonds all the way around, and no one singular bigger stone). It's exactly what I wanted. I have gotten a LOT of terribly rude responses, along the lines of "That's your ENGAGEMENT ring?! It doesn't look like an engagement ring! It looks like a wedding band. Did he pick that out, and you're OK with it? Are you going to have a wedding band too?". Some people have been so rude about it. There's no law that says an engagement ring has to be one big stone (or one big stone flanked by smaller ones, etc.). I, personally, find a lot of engagement rings to be un-aesthetically pleasing to me, and any that are set in a way to make the stone look much bigger than it is (i.e. way high up off the finger) I find incredibly tacky--there is NOTHING wrong with a beautiful small stone, and trying to pretend it's bigger is just so tacky, and like admitting that you think there's something wrong with your beautiful small stone!

I just wanted to point out here that tall settings (like Tiffany or cathedral) are not to make the stone look bigger, but to allow more light into the diamond, since a well-cut diamond has superior light reflection and fire to almost any other stone out there. My e-ring has a sapphire set in a low basket head, partially because I also didn't want a super high profile ring, and partially because I just love sapphires and that's how gemstones tend to be set.

/jewelry nerd

triciaandkenswedding · October 2013

I get, is that a heart? What does it look like? Now I did go shopping with him (at his request) and narrowed it down to 3 rings, but I knew this was the one he was buying. He took pictures of it. But I give him all the credit, he found it in the case.

meghanscott82 · November 2013

MandyMost said:

Personally I find the question rude, because it doesn't MATTER if it's real or not. In that same sense, I wouldn't respond with any type of "yes, of course it is!". I would deflect the question (i loved the "didn't he do a great job!" response), or simply say "I never bothered to ask" to make a point that it doesn't matter if it's a real diamond or not.

As for who picked it out, I am very particular about my jewelry. I gave a LOT of guidance into exactly what I wanted. I never mentioned sizes or costs or anything, but I a lot of comments and examples.

My ring is also not a typical engagement ring. It's an infinity band (little diamonds all the way around, and no one singular bigger stone). It's exactly what I wanted. I have gotten a LOT of terribly rude responses, along the lines of "That's your ENGAGEMENT ring?! It doesn't look like an engagement ring! It looks like a wedding band. Did he pick that out, and you're OK with it? Are you going to have a wedding band too?". Some people have been so rude about it. There's no law that says an engagement ring has to be one big stone (or one big stone flanked by smaller ones, etc.). I, personally, find a lot of engagement rings to be un-aesthetically pleasing to me, and any that are set in a way to make the stone look much bigger than it is (i.e. way high up off the finger) I find incredibly tacky--there is NOTHING wrong with a beautiful small stone, and trying to pretend it's bigger is just so tacky, and like admitting that you think there's something wrong with your beautiful small stone!

My "engagement" ring is very similar - infinity band with diamonds all around. It's exactly what I wanted and it will be the only ring I wear, making it my "engagement" and "wedding" ring. People are rude and classless when they talk about it. I'm in sales and see a lot of different people everyday who just assume I'm married, which is fine. But the jerks who know I'm engaged and gape and ask the same questions as Mandy outlined really irk me. My absolute least favorite is, "So you're going to take the ring off on your wedding day and he's going to put it back on?" Yes. Congratulations, you solved the puzzle!

It comes down to... Why is MY ring any of YOUR concern? If I did everything exactly like YOU this would be a pretty boring world.

mrs4everhart · November 2013

It depends on who is doing the asking. If it's not someone you're particularly concerned with you could always answer with a yes, and so are my boobs, now aren't we both uncomfortable? But a pleasant, "why would you want to know that" always leaves a gracious exit strategy for you while the person who asks has to stand there looking for a way to not look like a jerk. This is the only possible scenario I'm not relishing about getting my e-ring from the jeweler next week. Although I plan to have some fun with it at the expense of the free-range rude when and if I'm put in this situation!

The hard questions

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