Future (crazy) mother in-law being difficult

crltx · October 2013

So my fiancé's mother has always been wishy washy with me. She sees her son as a 5yr old (as I am sure most moms do). So the fact that someone is coming in his life I think it is making it incredibly hard for her and she is being more...bitchy. When we got engaged and he called his mom she said "congratulations...I guess." I have tried to welcome her with open arms but she is being more bitchy! I wont be a doormat so we clash. Here is everything I have dealt with;

I explained the etiquette that my mom picks her dress first then she usually tells her. But I scratched that and said just wear the color latte. So she sends me pictures of short strapless gowns. I told her she is representing her son and that is probably not a good idea (who wants to see a 60yr old $2 hooker). She then told me I "have so many restrictions." And she is just wearing what she wants...
She has tattoos. I am VERY old fashioned and I don't want my wedding party or people in my pictures having their tats showing. I asked everyone to cover them up. She told me I am covering up her memories and who she is. To me its just ink and 8hrs. So that was a huge fit
She said the rehearsal dinner was a reflection of her. So I got my fiancé to tell her if she wants to pay for a specific one she can....then she can go balls to the wall and decorate it in penis' if she so chooses. She said "how the hell am I supposed to decorate for a rehearsal dinner"?!
She tells me constantly that I am going to take her son away after we get married...which is insane. I have no intention nor would I want that.

Its like I cant win. I try everything In my power to be nice and she is a complete monster. I have now deleted and blocked her from my facebook because the woman drives me crazy (that is her only contact with me). I just am at my wits end with this psycho. Does anyone of similar instances? What about her being difficult with the tattoos and dress color? I know its petty...I should just let it go. But she would probably show up like a hooker in white if I didn't say something. Ugh lol. Please HELP

doeydo · October 2013

To be honest, you sound like the crazy one.
She can wear whatever she wants, in whatever colour, in whatever cut. Unless the venue is in a church or something that won't allow visible tattoos or something, it is rude of you to expect her, or anyone else including your BMs, to cover them.

doeydo · October 2013

crltx said:

So my fiancé's mother has always been wishy washy with me. She sees her son as a 5yr old (as I am sure most moms do). So the fact that someone is coming in his life I think it is making it incredibly hard for her and she is being more...bitchy. When we got engaged and he called his mom she said "congratulations...I guess." I have tried to welcome her with open arms but she is being more bitchy! I wont be a doormat so we clash. Here is everything I have dealt with;
I explained the etiquette that my mom picks her dress first then she usually tells her. But I scratched that and said just wear the color latte. So she sends me pictures of short strapless gowns. I told her she is representing her son and that is probably not a good idea (who wants to see a 60yr old $2 hooker). She then told me I "have so many restrictions." And she is just wearing what she wants...
She has tattoos. I am VERY old fashioned and I don't want my wedding party or people in my pictures having their tats showing. I asked everyone to cover them up. She told me I am covering up her memories and who she is. To me its just ink and 8hrs. So that was a huge fit
She said the rehearsal dinner was a reflection of her. So I got my fiancé to tell her if she wants to pay for a specific one she can....then she can go balls to the wall and decorate it in penis' if she so chooses. She said "how the hell am I supposed to decorate for a rehearsal dinner"?!
She tells me constantly that I am going to take her son away after we get married...which is insane. I have no intention nor would I want that.
Its like I cant win. I try everything In my power to be nice and she is a complete monster. I have now deleted and blocked her from my facebook because the woman drives me crazy (that is her only contact with me). I just am at my wits end with this psycho. Does anyone of similar instances? What about her being difficult with the tattoos and dress color? I know its petty...I should just let it go. But she would probably show up like a hooker in white if I didn't say something. Ugh lol. Please HELP

Just in case.

easilyunamused · October 2013

Seconded @doeydo. You are being very petty. Honestly, it sounds like you are the one with the problem. She's allowed to wear whatever she feels comfortable in. And you calling her a "$2 hooker" is disrespectful. My DH would really think differently of me if I ever talked about his mother like that.

WinstonsGirl · October 2013

I'd be upset if someone told me to cover tattoos to look a certain way for their wedding vision. People aren't props, please don't treat them as such. You also don't get to dictate colour to any guests. I'd seriously side eye if she wanted to wear white, but she can wear whatever colour she wants and it doesn't need to be the same/different or coordinate with the MOB dress. Let her wear what she looks beautiful in. If she does look like a 60 year old hooker bride, it will reflect poorly on her, not on you.

As for the RD, I'd plan on organizing it yourself unless she offers to host it. If she offers and you're comfortable accepting her cash, then go with it. If you're not happy with her having a say, then decline her offer to host.

Fran1985 · October 2013

I explained the etiquette that my mom picks her dress first then she usually tells her.

This is not a thing... Honestly it sounds like the stress of wedding planning has really got to you, which is totally understandable. Your future in mil sounds totally in the right, and you sound very bridezilla. Def let her wear whatever she wants, and you just focus on you and the day

kitty8403 · October 2013

LuvBird29 said:
Seconded @doeydo. You are being very petty. Honestly, it sounds like you are the one with the problem. She's allowed to wear whatever she feels comfortable in. And you calling her a "$2 hooker" is disrespectful. My DH would really think differently of me if I ever talked about his mother like that.

^This. I can't believe he approves of this, or of the snarky penis comment about your rehearsal night.

I am aware of the tradition where the mothers dress in either the wedding colors or something that doesn't clash, and that some say the bride's mom shops first. But this is not a hard and fast etiquette rule. She's a grown woman and can shop and dress how she likes. Her tattoos are her choice, unless there are specific venue restrictions.

Nobody is entitled to a rehearsal party. It's dinner. You don't need to decorate. Traditionally, she is the hostess for this, but it's her decision. If she wants to pick a restaurant or pay for a meal, let her!

You've said she treats your fiancé like a 5-year-old, but you are trying to treat her like a child--that is, when you aren't calling her a cheap hooker. You might want to rethink your position a little.

Onceinalovetime · October 2013

Maybe his mother is showing hostility because you aren't being very nice either.

You should not try and control what the mothers want to wear, their children are getting married and it is part their day to look beautiful too. Let her wear what she feels comfortable in. Asking her to cover up her tattoos can come off slightly rude or maybe it sounds to her like you don't like them. She is going to be in your life forever, show a little more respect.

crltx · October 2013

Maybe I should have explained things a little better about the background of our relationship (I was not trying to go into depth like that but since people think it is me maybe I should defend myself.

My fiancé is in the military. I have been through deployments with him, sat by his side for countless nights of him never being there etc. When he was deployed she would always blame me for him not calling her. I encouraged him to call her all the time (I still do). When he came home from a deployment and he hadn't seen me for 352 days straight...he wanted to only see me. He told his mom that (because he didn't want the stress after war. She stresses him out), she immediately got on facebook and told everyone that I wont let her see her son. When he was deployed I sent her information about how he was, pictures, kept her updated etc. And she would always say "is that all you got, I know there is something else you aren't telling me." She tells my fiancé that he is pussy wooped (which is not true). I have tried and tried to be nice to this woman...I don't feel as if I should try all the time. It causes stress on me and my relationship.

Sorry you guys couldn't see my humor when I said "$2 hooker" I am a joker...I guess I should have explained my humor better also

crltx · October 2013

doeydo said:

To be honest, you sound like the crazy one.
She can wear whatever she wants, in whatever colour, in whatever cut. Unless the venue is in a church or something that won't allow visible tattoos or something, it is rude of you to expect her, or anyone else including your BMs, to cover them.

LuvBird29 said:

Seconded @doeydo. You are being very petty. Honestly, it sounds like you are the one with the problem. She's allowed to wear whatever she feels comfortable in. And you calling her a "$2 hooker" is disrespectful. My DH would really think differently of me if I ever talked about his mother like that.

The tattoo thing is fine for every day. I don't care if you have them I just don't want them in my pictures. I come from very southern traditionalist who don't like tattoos (my fiancé has tons I am not judging the person based on if they have them). I don't want to start crap at the wedding with my graddaddy and granny. Over ink

@luvbird I am sorry you didn't get my humor...it was a joke.

crltx · October 2013

WinstonsGirl said:

I'd be upset if someone told me to cover tattoos to look a certain way for their wedding vision. People aren't props, please don't treat them as such. You also don't get to dictate colour to any guests. I'd seriously side eye if she wanted to wear white, but she can wear whatever colour she wants and it doesn't need to be the same/different or coordinate with the MOB dress. Let her wear what she looks beautiful in. If she does look like a 60 year old hooker bride, it will reflect poorly on her, not on you.

As for the RD, I'd plan on organizing it yourself unless she offers to host it. If she offers and you're comfortable accepting her cash, then go with it. If you're not happy with her having a say, then decline her offer to host.

I did reserve the RD myself. She said that etiquette states that she is supposed to pay for it and it is a reflection of her. So we had to book it ahead of time...so I put the deposit down and my fiancé told her she can pay us back or not. I also thought it would be nice to tell her she can go balls to the wall and decorate it. But she got all pissed and said how the hell is she supposed to decorate it....that's what I was saying. No matter what I do she is still pissy. Nice or not she gets mean

crltx · October 2013

kitty8403 said:

Seconded @doeydo. You are being very petty. Honestly, it sounds like you are the one with the problem. She's allowed to wear whatever she feels comfortable in. And you calling her a "$2 hooker" is disrespectful. My DH would really think differently of me if I ever talked about his mother like that.
^This. I can't believe he approves of this, or of the snarky penis comment about your rehearsal night. I am aware of the tradition where the mothers dress in either the wedding colors or something that doesn't clash, and that some say the bride's mom shops first. But this is not a hard and fast etiquette rule. She's a grown woman and can shop and dress how she likes. Her tattoos are her choice, unless there are specific venue restrictions. Nobody is entitled to a rehearsal party. It's dinner. You don't need to decorate. Traditionally, she is the hostess for this, but it's her decision. If she wants to pick a restaurant or pay for a meal, let her! You've said she treats your fiancé like a 5-year-old, but you are trying to treat her like a child--that is, when you aren't calling her a cheap hooker. You might want to rethink your position a little.

My fiancé is at the point where he doesn't want to deal with anything between his mother and me. She talks shit about me to him...and I bitch about her. It goes back and forth. A. I was joking about the $2 hooker and penis comment B. I did not tell him that (he wouldn't care because he is neutral). C. SHE is the one who OFFERED to pay for the rehearsal dinner. I never MADE her. She wanted to...now she is saying she doesn't want to (which is fine we don't need her to). I was simply adding another thing that she adds on to with the stress. D. I thought it would be nice to say decorate it any way you want!! Because she said it was her moment to us. A reflection of her. I am in no way shape or form being a bridezilla. I just have a mean mother in-law (I have talked to 5people about it and they all want to cuss her out because she is so mean to me). Sorry you all think its automatically me...

crltx · October 2013

Everyone that is telling me to let her wear what she wants and I cant tell her what to do....please read the article for the proper etiquette. I am not making it up

http://wedding.theknot.com/bridal-fashion/bridesmaid-dresses/articles/mother-of-the-groom-attire.aspx

easilyunamused · October 2013

crltx said:
Everyone that is telling me to let her wear what she wants and I cant tell her what to do....please read the article for the proper etiquette. I am not making it up

http://wedding.theknot.com/bridal-fashion/bridesmaid-dresses/articles/mother-of-the-groom-attire.aspx

It's more of a tradition that the MOB picks her dress first, but it's not something to fret about if it doesn't happen that way. There is no reason for you to dictate what your guests wear (besides wedding party). I think you are better off not engaging with your FMIL and stop tellin your FI how terrible she is.

The RD is also something that is traditionally hosted by the grooms family. But if there is animosity between you and her, then host it yourself.

And sorry not sorry I didn't find the humor in the $2 hooker comment. I'm sure that she's has fault in this relationship too, but that doesn't mean you aren't in the wrong as well.

CommitmentCat · October 2013

Mother in laws can be hell. Unfortunately, you are stuck with them. Deleting and blocking on facebook just sounds like you are adding fuel to the fire. Just remember that she is his mother. One thing that really bugs me is that everyone goes on and on about wedding etiquette. It's not just wedding etiquette. Under no circumstance (wedding or any other day of the week) should you ever tell a person they should be who they aren't (ie, please hide your tattoos because they don't fit in with what I feel is appropriate).

If my FI had to ask my mother to hide a bit of herself for our wedding day I would be deeply disappointed in him.

I think telling her that your mom picks first possibly adds to the feeling that she is being excluded from this relationship. Why not just let her pick, then they can discuss what they are wearing with each other?

It sounds to me like you are both retaliating at each other.

crltx · October 2013

LuvBird29 said:

Everyone that is telling me to let her wear what she wants and I cant tell her what to do....please read the article for the proper etiquette. I am not making it up

http://wedding.theknot.com/bridal-fashion/bridesmaid-dresses/articles/mother-of-the-groom-attire.aspx
It's more of a tradition that the MOB picks her dress first, but it's not something to fret about if it doesn't happen that way. There is no reason for you to dictate what your guests wear (besides wedding party). I think you are better off not engaging with your FMIL and stop tellin your FI how terrible she is. The RD is also something that is traditionally hosted by the grooms family. But if there is animosity between you and her, then host it yourself. And sorry not sorry I didn't find the humor in the $2 hooker comment. I'm sure that she's has fault in this relationship too, but that doesn't mean you aren't in the wrong as well.

I never said I wasn't in the wrong. Her and I are both childish and petty over stupid things. I made this post to vent and to see of anyone had any other problems. Not for yall to judge me when none of you know our relationship for the past three years. I do not give respect if I don't get it. Plain and simple...like I said I was just seeing how other people handled their situation. Not for you all to judge me on a situation you don't know

crltx · October 2013

CommitmentCat said:

Mother in laws can be hell. Unfortunately, you are stuck with them. Deleting and blocking on facebook just sounds like you are adding fuel to the fire. Just remember that she is his mother. One thing that really bugs me is that everyone goes on and on about wedding etiquette. It's not just wedding etiquette. Under no circumstance (wedding or any other day of the week) should you ever tell a person they should be who they aren't (ie, please hide your tattoos because they don't fit in with what I feel is appropriate).

If my FI had to ask my mother to hide a bit of herself for our wedding day I would be deeply disappointed in him.

I think telling her that your mom picks first possibly adds to the feeling that she is being excluded from this relationship. Why not just let her pick, then they can discuss what they are wearing with each other?

It sounds to me like you are both retaliating at each other.

I told anyone that will be in my wedding party (to me she is a part of my party because I had something special set up at the ceremony for her to be included in) to cover their tattoos. Including my sisters. I am not picking on her. They wouldn't sell tattoo cover up for weddings specifically if I was the only one in the world who thought that way.

If you read right I said I didn't tell her my mom picks first. All I told her was to get the color latte. Then she wants to ask me a million questions about the dress and which one do I like. When I am honest she throws a fit. Im sorry but I don't think a 60yr old woman should be in a strapless short dress (I didn't say that obviously).

katieg520 · October 2013

While I can understand having a crazy FMIL (I have one too, yay me!LOL) I have to tell you ... I think it might be better if you give her a color palette to choose from on what to wear. For instance, instead of saying "wear latte", say "wear something close to latte or a shade of brown or tan that you feel comfortable in." I personally didn't tell my FMIL what colors to wear... I just told her that I would really appreciate if she didn't wear white, and anything else she'd like to wear is perfectly fine with me. She asked what my mom is wearing, and I told her teal green. She is going to pick a color in the same color family as what my mom is wearing for some reason. LOL. Whatever she wants to make the day go smoothly, lol.

My biggest advice to you is this (because my FMIL really is psycho and can turn on a dime with her mood swings)... YOU always be the bigger person. She can never say anything about you if you don't fuel her fire. If you're always the bigger person, then it will always be obvious that SHE is the crazy one in the situation.

As far as the tattoos, honey, you have to let that go. If your grandparents don't like it, that's their problem. I have several visible tattoos, and I think every member of my bridal party does too. Is my grandfather going to like that? Absolutely not! But he won't say a word because he knows it's not his body, not his wedding, and not his place to say anything. My MOH has a huge back tattoo (covers her entire back) and that just can't be covered. SHE is wanting to cover it so she asked if they can wear their hair down. DONE. That was at her request though. I love the people in my BP and family and this is as much their celebration as it is mine.

I really hope y'all can work it out because if you don't, your wedding day is only going to be spent catering to her or you and your fiance is going to be the one stuck in the middle.

Fran1985 · October 2013

crltx said:

CommitmentCat said:

Mother in laws can be hell. Unfortunately, you are stuck with them. Deleting and blocking on facebook just sounds like you are adding fuel to the fire. Just remember that she is his mother. One thing that really bugs me is that everyone goes on and on about wedding etiquette. It's not just wedding etiquette. Under no circumstance (wedding or any other day of the week) should you ever tell a person they should be who they aren't (ie, please hide your tattoos because they don't fit in with what I feel is appropriate).

If my FI had to ask my mother to hide a bit of herself for our wedding day I would be deeply disappointed in him.

I think telling her that your mom picks first possibly adds to the feeling that she is being excluded from this relationship. Why not just let her pick, then they can discuss what they are wearing with each other?

It sounds to me like you are both retaliating at each other.

I told anyone that will be in my wedding party (to me she is a part of my party because I had something special set up at the ceremony for her to be included in) to cover their tattoos. Including my sisters. I am not picking on her. They wouldn't sell tattoo cover up for weddings specifically if I was the only one in the world who thought that way.

If you read right I said I didn't tell her my mom picks first. All I told her was to get the color latte. Then she wants to ask me a million questions about the dress and which one do I like. When I am honest she throws a fit. Im sorry but I don't think a 60yr old woman should be in a strapless short dress (I didn't say that obviously).

They sell tattoo cover up for people who want to cover their own tattoos. Its easy to judge you because you are telling us you demanded people cover their tattoos- that is firmly in bridezilla territory. You can ask them to wear a certain dress, you can't ask them to cut or dye their hair, lose weight, or cover their tattos. You need to tell your grandparents to get over it. It is fine if they disapprove, but if they are proper southerners they certainty won't say anything at the wedding. I'm sure your FMIL is not an angel, but the reason people are judging is because you came on here to vent, but listed all the horrible things you are doing, and none that she is doing.

KytchynWitche · October 2013

Can I just jump in here and say "what the heck does her age have to do with it?!" I personally know some lovely 60 year old women who have bodies I would have killed for at age 20! If she's comfortable wearing a strapless short dress, then leave her be. Yes, as the bride you get to have input in what your bridal party wears, but you don't get to dictate.

That aside, I have seen brides lose friends forever, or even have their fiance up and leave them, over things like this.

Just remember - your wedding is a single day, your marriage is (hopefully) an entire lifetime, and whether you like it or not your FMIL is going to be a part of that lifetime. Is having the perfect detail oriented wedding worth a lifetime of sucky relationship?

I'm not saying you can't have the day you want, but you CAN do it while still treating the people involved like people instead of like dolls to be clothed and posed to fit your vision.

climbingsingle · October 2013

Holy shitballs! I cannot believe you are treating your FMIL like this. You are very much in the wrong. You cannot dictate to her what to wear.Let her wear what she wants. Honestly, after the way you've treated her, I wouldn't be surprised if she showed up in a white dress.

How exactly are her tattoos a reflection on you? Your grandparents will be mad at you because your MIL has tattoos? That makes no sense and I think you're just looking for excuses.

My mother and my FMIL are both 63. And they both look about 10 years younger than that. If they both want to wear short strapless gowns, I say go for it! Who the fuck cares? You need to get a grip and stop worrying about things that don't matter.

IMO, you need to repair your relationship with your FMIL. She will always be his mother, no matter what. Apologize to her for the way you've treated her so far and start acting like a fucking adult!

southernbelle0915 · October 2013

crltx said:

Maybe I should have explained things a little better about the background of our relationship (I was not trying to go into depth like that but since people think it is me maybe I should defend myself.
My fiancé is in the military. I have been through deployments with him, sat by his side for countless nights of him never being there etc. When he was deployed she would always blame me for him not calling her. I encouraged him to call her all the time (I still do). When he came home from a deployment and he hadn't seen me for 352 days straight...he wanted to only see me. He told his mom that (because he didn't want the stress after war. She stresses him out), she immediately got on facebook and told everyone that I wont let her see her son. When he was deployed I sent her information about how he was, pictures, kept her updated etc. And she would always say "is that all you got, I know there is something else you aren't telling me." She tells my fiancé that he is pussy wooped (which is not true). I have tried and tried to be nice to this woman...I don't feel as if I should try all the time. It causes stress on me and my relationship.
Sorry you guys couldn't see my humor when I said "$2 hooker" I am a joker...I guess I should have explained my humor better also Would you think it was funny if you found out your FMIL called you a $2 hooker? It's not appropriate.

crltx said:

kitty8403 said:

Seconded @doeydo. You are being very petty. Honestly, it sounds like you are the one with the problem. She's allowed to wear whatever she feels comfortable in. And you calling her a "$2 hooker" is disrespectful. My DH would really think differently of me if I ever talked about his mother like that.
^This. I can't believe he approves of this, or of the snarky penis comment about your rehearsal night. I am aware of the tradition where the mothers dress in either the wedding colors or something that doesn't clash, and that some say the bride's mom shops first. But this is not a hard and fast etiquette rule. She's a grown woman and can shop and dress how she likes. Her tattoos are her choice, unless there are specific venue restrictions. Nobody is entitled to a rehearsal party. It's dinner. You don't need to decorate. Traditionally, she is the hostess for this, but it's her decision. If she wants to pick a restaurant or pay for a meal, let her! You've said she treats your fiancé like a 5-year-old, but you are trying to treat her like a child--that is, when you aren't calling her a cheap hooker. You might want to rethink your position a little.
My fiancé is at the point where he doesn't want to deal with anything between his mother and me. She talks shit about me to him...and I bitch about her. Ok, so you are both equally at fault... Way to go! BOTH of you have gotten your fiance to the point that he wants to disengage. It goes back and forth. A. I was joking about the $2 hooker and penis comment B. I did not tell him that (he wouldn't care because he is neutral). Obviously he does care because he's said he doesn't want to deal with anything between you two. That doesn't sound neutral. It sounds fed up. C. SHE is the one who OFFERED to pay for the rehearsal dinner. I never MADE her. She wanted to...now she is saying she doesn't want to (which is fine we don't need her to). I was simply adding another thing that she adds on to with the stress. If it "is fine and you don't need her to" how is this stressful? D. I thought it would be nice to say decorate it any way you want!! Because she said it was her moment to us. A reflection of her. I am in no way shape or form being a bridezilla. I just have a mean mother in-law (I have talked to 5people about it and they all want to cuss her out because she is so mean to me). Five people? WOW! Let me guess, these people are your friends/family? And look here, more than 5 strangers who are objective (and only hearing YOUR side of the story, btw) are telling you to look in the mirror! I really think you should think about that... Sorry you all think its automatically me...

crltx said:

Everyone that is telling me to let her wear what she wants and I cant tell her what to do....please read the article for the proper etiquette. I am not making it up

http://wedding.theknot.com/bridal-fashion/bridesmaid-dresses/articles/mother-of-the-groom-attire.aspx
This is a serious question: Why do you care what she wears? Think about it this way, pretend it's 30 years from now and you are the mother of the groom (your son). His fiance is telling you what to wear to the biggest event in his life. She's the only one who cares. You send her options and she says no. Your husband wants to wear short sleeves - she says absolutely not because his tattoos absolutely cannot show. This is her vision, so you should do what SHE wants. Now pretend that your son is getting married and his fiance says, "wear whatever makes you feel beautiful." Which are you more receptive to?
Get it? See why it's rude and intrusive to dictate her clothes? It's micromanaging and ridiculous. If she ends up looking like a "$2 hooker", OH WELL!!! You'll have a million portraits without her in the photos and you'll be married. So what does it matter? Serious question: What on earth does it matter? This is a non-issue. Tell her to wear whatever makes her feel beautiful and go get yourself a drink.

crltx said:
I never said I wasn't in the wrong. Her and I are both childish and petty over stupid things. Hm. So when are you going to start acting like an adult and leave her behind in her childish ways? Why are you playing that game? I made this post to vent and to see of anyone had any other problems. Not for yall to judge me when none of you know our relationship for the past three years. I do not give respect if I don't get it. How on earth can you say you're a southern traditionalist then? Southern manners mean being polite/respectful to people no matter what. Plain and simple...like I said I was just seeing how other people handled their situation. Not for you all to judge me on a situation you don't know Ok fine, here's how I would handle your situation: 1) be respectful/kind no matter what; 2) act like a mature adult even when others don't; 3) don't dictate anyone's clothes except your own and that of your BMs; 3) be the bigger person and apologize for acting childish. She's your MIL forever - be the first to extend an olive branch; 4) apologize to your fiance for contributing to an extremely difficult and awkward situation for him; 5) stop talking shit.

crltx said:

CommitmentCat said:

Mother in laws can be hell. Unfortunately, you are stuck with them. Deleting and blocking on facebook just sounds like you are adding fuel to the fire. Just remember that she is his mother. One thing that really bugs me is that everyone goes on and on about wedding etiquette. It's not just wedding etiquette. Under no circumstance (wedding or any other day of the week) should you ever tell a person they should be who they aren't (ie, please hide your tattoos because they don't fit in with what I feel is appropriate).

If my FI had to ask my mother to hide a bit of herself for our wedding day I would be deeply disappointed in him.

I think telling her that your mom picks first possibly adds to the feeling that she is being excluded from this relationship. Why not just let her pick, then they can discuss what they are wearing with each other?

It sounds to me like you are both retaliating at each other.
I told anyone that will be in my wedding party (to me she is a part of my party because I had something special set up at the ceremony for her to be included in) to cover their tattoos. Including my sisters. I am not picking on her. They wouldn't sell tattoo cover up for weddings specifically if I was the only one in the world who thought that way. Those kits are for the people who have tattoos if THEY want to cover them up. LOL - they're not for brides to hand out and tell people what to do! My goodness! Why are you micromanaging everyone? I feel like you'd be so much happier if you just focused your energy toward yourself and your love for your fiance and stopped trying to control everyone else.
If you read right I said I didn't tell her my mom picks first. Are you serious? Go back and read your OP. You said, and I quote, "I explained the etiquette that my mom picks her dress first..." All I told her was to get the color latte. Then she wants to ask me a million questions about the dress and which one do I like. You've dictate what she can/can't wear. Of course she's going to ask you questions. If you had just said "wear whatever you want" you wouldn't be dealing with this at all. Sorry, but this stress is of YOUR creation - you can't blame anyone else. When I am honest she throws a fit. Probably because your idea of honesty is judging her choices. Go read your OP - you sound super judgy. Im sorry but I don't think a 60yr old woman should be in a strapless short dress (I didn't say that obviously). *eye roll*

OP - this whole situation is a piece of work. Seriously. My advice for you is to stop micromanaging. Apologize to people and move the hell on. Everything you're dealing with is such a non-issue, it's like you're letting this negativity consume you. Let it go.

CommitmentCat · October 2013

@southernbelle0915 I feel like this deserves a "boom". But I'm alone at my desk and no one can here me say it. So Boom.

EDIT: to remove the quote. it was just beyond annoying to look at.

melbelleup · October 2013

crltx said:

doeydo said:

To be honest, you sound like the crazy one.
She can wear whatever she wants, in whatever colour, in whatever cut. Unless the venue is in a church or something that won't allow visible tattoos or something, it is rude of you to expect her, or anyone else including your BMs, to cover them.

LuvBird29 said:

Seconded @doeydo. You are being very petty. Honestly, it sounds like you are the one with the problem. She's allowed to wear whatever she feels comfortable in. And you calling her a "$2 hooker" is disrespectful. My DH would really think differently of me if I ever talked about his mother like that.

The tattoo thing is fine for every day. I don't care if you have them I just don't want them in my pictures. I come from very southern traditionalist who don't like tattoos (my fiancé has tons I am not judging the person based on if they have them). I don't want to start crap at the wedding with my graddaddy and granny. Over ink

@luvbird I am sorry you didn't get my humor...it was a joke.

Okay... are you paying for them to cover them up? As in, are you hiring someone to cover them up? Are you paying for the make up they have to use to cover them up? IF you're making them all pay for it themselves- NO NO! I would refuse to be your BM right there. And you can't control his MOTHER. She's not in your wedding party. You have no say to how she looks or what she wears including colors.

WinstonsGirl · October 2013

I think OP that you are confusing etiquette with tradition. Etiquette is about how you treat your guests and host them, not about who get to buy a dress first. That could be considered tradition, as is paying for the RD. Etiquette would include a hosted bar at the RD, not dictating who pays for it. Your MIL's tattoos and what she wears will have no reflection on you.

And please don't quote the Knot for etiquette advice. While they may suggest how things have traditionally been done, the are a business and their main goal is to make money. If they can make more money by you doing rude things, they will write an article telling you to do so.

southernbelle0915 · October 2013

CommitmentCat said:

@southernbelle0915 I feel like this deserves a "boom". But I'm alone at my desk and no one can here me say it. So Boom.

EDIT: to remove the quote. it was just beyond annoying to look at.

Thanks! I had to quote it all - I sense a possible DD.

PrettyGirlLost · October 2013

crltx said:

kitty8403 said:

Seconded @doeydo. You are being very petty. Honestly, it sounds like you are the one with the problem. She's allowed to wear whatever she feels comfortable in. And you calling her a "$2 hooker" is disrespectful. My DH would really think differently of me if I ever talked about his mother like that.
^This. I can't believe he approves of this, or of the snarky penis comment about your rehearsal night. I am aware of the tradition where the mothers dress in either the wedding colors or something that doesn't clash, and that some say the bride's mom shops first. But this is not a hard and fast etiquette rule. She's a grown woman and can shop and dress how she likes. Her tattoos are her choice, unless there are specific venue restrictions. Nobody is entitled to a rehearsal party. It's dinner. You don't need to decorate. Traditionally, she is the hostess for this, but it's her decision. If she wants to pick a restaurant or pay for a meal, let her! You've said she treats your fiancé like a 5-year-old, but you are trying to treat her like a child--that is, when you aren't calling her a cheap hooker. You might want to rethink your position a little.

My fiancé is at the point where he doesn't want to deal with anything between his mother and me. Well that is kind of a problem for all of you, because even after you are married he should be the one to primarily deal with his mother when issues arise, in order to prevent the kind of crap that is happening between you and she right now. She talks shit about me to him...and I bitch about her. It goes back and forth. Neither of you should be bitching about the other to your FI. That is incredibly childish, and it puts him in a bad position. This is why he doesn't want to deal with her- or you, actually. If you have a legit issue with his mom, you should discuss it with him carefully so that it doesn't seem like you are just being petty and bitchy. And he should back you up and end the conversation with his mother if she starts bitching about you to him. You and your FI are going to be partners in your marriage, and you both need to learn how to deal with family issues in a healthy and functional way. Also, your FI should work on not totally ignoring his mother and having you serve as the middleman in giving her updates when he is opn deployment- that seems to have really created a bad relationship between you and your FMIL. Your FI and his mom don't need to be besties, but she is his mother and he should at least make an effort to contact her and update her on his well being every once in a while if that will make her feel better and take some of the pressure off of you. A. I was joking about the $2 hooker and penis comment B. I did not tell him that (he wouldn't care because he is neutral). C. SHE is the one who OFFERED to pay for the rehearsal dinner. I never MADE her. She wanted to...now she is saying she doesn't want to (which is fine we don't need her to). I was simply adding another thing that she adds on to with the stress. D. I thought it would be nice to say decorate it any way you want!! Because she said it was her moment to us. A reflection of her. I am in no way shape or form being a bridezilla. I just have a mean mother in-law (I have talked to 5people about it and they all want to cuss her out because she is so mean to me). Sorry you all think its automatically me...

I don't neccessarily think you have a mean FMIL, I think you are part of a bad relationship dynamic that includes her, you, and your FI.

And, some of your requests of her were improper and rude. For instance, you should not have asked her to cover up her tattoos. Depending on where they are, they won't even be visible in photos, if that was your main concern. You told us you are going to be marrying a man who has tattoos, so obviously you do not take great personal issue with them. Now, if members of your family are more conservative and will take issue, well honestly too bad for them and they need to deal with it on their own. Are they going to have a shit fit if any of the other guests have visible tattoos? Do they have a shit fit when other people out in public have tattoos?

FMILs tats are not your concern and you need to let this go.

Also, let her wear whatever she wants. Her attire is also none of your concern, and in case this might come up in the future. . . the attire of your guests is not your concern either. You honestly won't notice what other people are wearing on your wedding day, and if you do then you are focusing on the wrong things.

PrettyGirlLost · October 2013

CommitmentCat said:

@southernbelle0915 I feel like this deserves a "boom". But I'm alone at my desk and no one can here me say it. So Boom.

EDIT: to remove the quote. it was just beyond annoying to look at.

APDSS22 · October 2013

@crltx : I have a very awesome MIL. We get along well together and are very similar so I won't give you a personal example but your situation with your FMIL sounds a lot like a friend of mine's so I will give you advice based on her situation. She and her MIL constantly fought to the point where they couldn't even be in the same room because they both rubbed each other exactly the wrong way. MIL treated her son like a child and constantly accused my friend of trying to "take him away from her." My friend was almost trying to do that because of how his mother treated him so they fought back and forth all the time.

This conflict strained my friend's husband's relationship with his mother, with whom he had always been close. It got to the point where he asked them both to go into family counseling for his sake. His mother was resistant so he threatened to cut her out of his life because he just couldn't deal with the fighting anymore. Eventually they did go to counseling and were able to work through some of their issues so that now they can be in the same room and be polite.

The only thing I really have to say here is that the family you and your FI are creating is not just you and he in an isolated little box. He is still going to want to have a relationship with his family and his mother once this wedding is through and if you continue as you seem to have started out, the one suffering will be your FI. Let go of the tattoos, let go of the strapless dress, tell her you plan to have a very tasteful RD that you've already put down money on and she shouldn't worry about it even if the ILs traditionally do pay.

Save the fighting with your FMIL for something you and your FI both feel strongly enough about to fight her for together, like how to raise your own children. In the scheme of things, that's way more important than what your FMIL will wear to your wedding and fighting with her about it might encourage her to stop trying to consider your feelings (like choosing the color you wanted) and push her in the opposite direction so that she shows up wearing a few carefully placed scarves and strings of Christmas lights. That's just how some people react.

smalfrie19 · October 2013

Bride =/= to queen of the world. You don't get to dictate people's bodies..thats including her tattoos...End of story...

crltx · October 2013

ClimbingBrideNY said:

Holy shitballs! I cannot believe you are treating your FMIL like this. You are very much in the wrong. You cannot dictate to her what to wear.Let her wear what she wants. Honestly, after the way you've treated her, I wouldn't be surprised if she showed up in a white dress.

How exactly are her tattoos a reflection on you? Your grandparents will be mad at you because your MIL has tattoos? That makes no sense and I think you're just looking for excuses.

My mother and my FMIL are both 63. And they both look about 10 years younger than that. If they both want to wear short strapless gowns, I say go for it! Who the fuck cares? You need to get a grip and stop worrying about things that don't matter.

IMO, you need to repair your relationship with your FMIL. She will always be his mother, no matter what. Apologize to her for the way you've treated her so far and start acting like a fucking adult!

I never said her tattoos were a reflection of me. I said SHE said the RD was a reflection of her. And I have done everything for that woman. I have gone to the moon and back for her. She refuses to except me because she doesn't want anyone with her son. His dad has talked to her, his grandma, his sister and him. She wont listen and continues to be mean. So go holy shit balls yourself...you know nothing about the situation. Unless you are here having the lady be rude to you constantly don't say shit to me

Future (crazy) mother in-law being difficult

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