Asking Bridesmaids

Emily104 · September 2013

How did you ask your bridesmaids?

I've seen some cute ideas and haven't decided on one yet.

KeptInStitches · September 2013

Having been asked, the best way is for the bride to call me and ask, or if I'm close enough, coffee always goes over a treat.

Lauderdale Pink · September 2013

My future daughter in law gave each maid a picture of the two of them with a very touching, personal card. I am a crybaby anyway, but was there for two of them and turned into a puddle.

snoopycac · September 2013

I just asked in person - nothing special, nothing flashy. But it was important to me for it to be in person.

southernbelle0915 · September 2013

Usually BMs are asked about 10 months in advance of the wedding, so you have some time. When you do, I would ask them individually in person. Lots of people are pinterest happy and trying to be "cute." I find it much more personal and meaningful to be asked in person than to get a ringpop in a box and a poem. KWIM?

Maggie0829 · September 2013

I asked my BMs by just asking them. For my MOH (also my sister) I called her up because he lives in TX. My other BM, well I didn't really even have to ask she just told me she couldn't wait to be a BM for my wedding. I really think she was more excited then I was!

As for how I have liked being asked. I like the more simple the better. Talk to each person individually. A personal conversation is better then any cutesy thing you can think of.

CLoGreenEyes · September 2013

You do not have to do anything cute. One friend asked me over the phone (she lives about a ten-hour drive from me), and it was meaningful just knowing that our friendship was that important, even over the distance. Another friend asked me and then said, "I'm going to OFFICIALLY ask you when I think of a cute way to do it!" I was confused. I think just a statement about how much your relationship with that person means to you and then a simple, "Will you be my bridesmaid?" is perfect.

Jen4948 · September 2013

I'd go for "dignified" instead of "cute" and just ask them directly.

"Cute" can be off-putting when making an important request, including that someone do you a favor by being in your wedding party-especially if they don't feel like they can do it and need to say no.

chelcee22 · September 2013

I asked each bridesmaid in person by giving them a really cute frame with a note inside that said "Our wedding wouldn't be picture perfect without you. Will you be my bridesmaid?" They loved it!

Jen4948 · September 2013

chelcee22 said:

I asked each bridesmaid in person by giving them a really cute frame with a note inside that said "Our wedding wouldn't be picture perfect without you. Will you be my bridesmaid?" They loved it!

You were lucky. Many people don't like this. They may never say so for fear of hurting the bride's feelings, but being "cute" often just makes people feel like shit.

chelcee22 · September 2013

How does being cute make people feel like shit? I had a very heartfelt moment with each of them after they opened it.

Jen4948 · September 2013

chelcee22 said:

How does being cute make people feel like shit? I had a very heartfelt moment with each of them after they opened it.

What if they had to say no? Or what if they just plain felt overwhelmed by all the "cuteness" into saying yes when they weren't ready to commit?

Being cute is overdoing it. When one is presented with a ton of gifts, cards, cuteness, whatever, and then can't give the person doing it the answer they want or just plain feel uncomfortable and railroaded, it doesn't feel great to have been subjected to all that production.

There are times when being dignified rather than cute is much more likely to get you the answer you're looking for-or at least not make the other person feel uncomfortable if they have to say no.

cowgirl8238 · September 2013

I made cards for my BM's and handed them out to them in person (except 1) to open. I didn't want to go all cutesy, but I wanted to give them something to hold onto, plus I made a little dress shaped insert on the type of dress I wanted...(I already picked out a color/fabric and then told them whatever style they liked they could wear!) My BM's are all over the country, with 2 in PA and 1 in NY I was sure to ask them first, then the one in HI I called on the phone to ask before mailing out the envelope.

I think in the end it is a personal thing to ask a friend to be your BM and you should make it personal.

randerson123 · September 2013

"FH and I are getting married! Will you be a bridesmaid? You're important to me and it would mean a lot to me."

I was kind of impulsive and I saw all the cutesy stuff after I started researching weddings. But I would say be true to yourself and your relationships. If you're not a cutesy person, it will seem weird and insincere. You'll have plenty of opportunities to show your appreciation during the wedding planning.

CLoGreenEyes · September 2013

I will attest that doing something cutesy can make a potential BM feel like crap if she's not sure she can do it.

My BFF didn't go totally wild, but she she did buy me a huge box of chocolates and write me a lengthy and heartfelt note about how thankful she was for our friendship and asking me to a bridesmaid. She had told me she wanted me to be her BM a couple months ago when she got engaged, but recently stuff happened with school and life that have made my money and time even more precious, so I was going to let her know that I didn't think I could be a BM. I was literally about to bring it up the other day when she got all excited and said she had a gift for me. Sooooo that made it rather impossible for me to be like, "ACTUALLY...I can't."

(I did let her know that due to clinicals I can't know if I will even be there until next semester. She was understanding about that, and she is very budget-sensitive. So it will probably work out OK, but still, there's my story for illustrative purposes.)

I will say that if you want to do something personal and "extra" for your BMs, the time to do it would be if you are giving them gifts/cards around the actual time of your wedding. A lot of people buy their BMs/MOH personal gifts that they know they will cherish and use, which I think is a great idea. And I'm always a fan of a personal card or letter. It's just better coming at a time when you're not asking them for the commitment of buying the dress and committing to this certain time/date. I know it doesn't seem like an incredible amount to commit to, but you can never really know what's going on sometimes, so I think it's better not to attach gifts to the question of, "Will you be my bridesmaid?" KWIM?

melbelleup · October 2013

When I called my SIL and my brother I asked my SIL to be my MOH. I asked my one also on the phone. My best friend, I asked her over skype to see her reaction. My FI asked my brothers in person and I asked my FSIL (engaged to my brother) if she'd be my maid in person as well. FI asked his brother over the phone, same with his BM. We currently live 4 states away though, soooo it worked for us.

saseblon73 · October 2013

I went to Pintrest to ask mine. I got a box for each and put in a plastic "fancy" ring that I got from the Dollar Store and wrapped it in my colors. I handed each of them a card that I had written, "He popped the question! Now it's my turn..." On the inside of the wrapped box, I had a card over the ring that said, "Will you be my Bridesmaid/Matron of Honor/Maid of Honor?". Each of them said it made them feel special and they truly seemed to like it. Less than $2 for each box and I liked doing it for each one.

erinlin25 · October 2013

I made personalized cards with doodles of a bride and her bridemaids that looked like us. I wrote them each a note in the card. My 2 sister in laws who I saw at Thanksgiving, I gave them there's in person. My 3 best friends, I sent them to them. Best friends already "knew" they would be in the wedding so it was more of just a cute note. No need to go over the top, crazy...just ask people!

Jen4948 · October 2013

I'd save the cute gestures for when you are inviting your bridesmaids to a bridal lunch or other function for your wedding party and not do them when you are asking them to be your bridesmaids. Leave the Pinterest, personalized gifts and cards, and such at home and just ask them. That way they don't feel like crap if their lives and circumstances or even just their inclinations require them to say no.

arrippa · October 2013

I called them and told that I was getting married and I would like for them to be bridesmaids. Nothing cute was needed.

MsLisa30 · October 2013

Once I was officially engaged, I called my closest friends and kinda told them they were in my wedding. LOL. I did give them the option of saying no, but everyone was so happy that I thought about them and are happy to be in the wedding.

amw2882 · October 2013

I found on Pinterest some very cute sayings. I chose one of the few that I liked and repinned, went to Hobby Lobby and bought a multi-color pack of card stock that had colors similar to what we are thinking of using. I drew a cake design as the background and the wrote the saying in fun lettering, hand made envelopes out of construction paper and mailed them. I text "my girls" to be expecting something from me and to let me know their answer to my question I was asking them. I attached pictures of the quote and cake design I used.

[Deleted User] · October 2013

I asked mine with these adorable boxes from Etsy. It took FOREVER for me to figure out how I wanted to do it, but these were perfect. The boxes are made of paper with their name and title cut into the top. You can choose from almost any color you want and she takes pictures and shows you before she sends it. It comes with a beautiful flower inside (made of paper I assume) and your personal message or a preselected one. My bridesmaids LOVED them!

https://www.etsy.com/listing/150510701/will-you-be-my-bridesmaid-maid-of-honor?ref=favs_view_10

Jen4948 · October 2013

How would you have felt if they had turned you down after you went to all that trouble? How do you think they would have felt?

crystalpropes · October 2013

i think the people that do cute stuff already know their maids answer. I made bags for mine with flip-flops and little bottles of wine for my beach wedding, but it was for my 3 very best friends and my sister, who i knew wouldn't miss my wedding for the world, and they really appreciated the fact that i put a lot of thought and effort in asking them, it made them feel special and excited.

LydiaJoy12 · October 2013

LydiaJoy12 · October 2013

I LOVE giving gifts and doing stuff over the top. I did not talk to any of my friends before to let them know I wanted them to be my bridesmaids because I wanted it to be a complete surprise. My sister and maid of honor was the only one who knew that something was up. She works at an Italian restaurant and rented out a small party room for us. I had asked each of my bridesmaids to meet me for dinner there, each one not knowing that other people would be there. I had found these adorable tote bags for $1 each, and I filled them up with little stuff and had there initials monogrammed on the bags. Inside I had a pen and small agenda with all of the important dates marked and phone numbers of everyone in there, paper weight engagement rings with a note that said "Now it's my turn to ask...will you be my bridesmaid?", cookies in the shape of dresses, and a picture frame with a picture of me with the bridesmaid. They absolutely LOVED them! It did take some time because I found everything on sale so that it wouldn't be expensive. Each bag cost about $7 each, and I have 6 bridesmaids! It really got all of them super excited for the wedding and they are still talking about it, 6 months later!

Jen4948 · October 2013

crystalpropes said:

i think the people that do cute stuff already know their maids answer. I made bags for mine with flip-flops and little bottles of wine for my beach wedding, but it was for my 3 very best friends and my sister, who i knew wouldn't miss my wedding for the world, and they really appreciated the fact that i put a lot of thought and effort in asking them, it made them feel special and excited.

Not necessarily. If I was asked in an over-the-top cute way it would actually make me feel less like doing it, and if I couldn't afford it or couldn't take the time off from work (which the bride might not be aware of) for their wedding and anything else they might want from me, it would make me very uncomfortable to have to say no-much more so than if they'd just asked me, because they'd made such a big production of it, and frankly, taken for granted that I was going to say yes.

LydiaJoy12 · October 2013

I really don't understand why doing something special to ask your bridesmaid is such a big deal. Every single one of my bridesmaids appreciated that I did something for them. It showed that I thought they were special and a big and important part of my day.

But at the end of the day, it is YOUR wedding. I don't know about you, but as for me, I am only getting married once. Therefore, I want to make it a big deal, because to me, it is. It is the happiest and most exciting time for me, and I want my bridesmaids to be just as excited! If someone went out of their way to ask me, I would sincerely appreciate it!

Jen4948 · October 2013

LydiaJoy12 said:

I really don't understand why doing something special to ask your bridesmaid is such a big deal. Every single one of my bridesmaids appreciated that I did something for them. It showed that I thought they were special and a big and important part of my day.

It's a big deal because it assumes that the other person is automatically going to say yes and that they appreciate the overdoneness. That's taking the other person for granted, and it can make them uncomfortable and even resentful, especially if they have to say no. And if they do have to say no after the bride went to so much trouble? That could be very unpleasant for both.
So it makes a lot more sense to save any such gestures for after the person the bride is asking has already agreed to do it, and not do them when asking the person. At that point, the bride should have a much better sense of whether the other person is going to be okay with those gestures...not when asking such an important favor. It's the same reason why in another thread, we advise against trying to be "cute," "creative," etc. when asking someone to officiate-it's a huge, important favor, and it needs to be done with respect not only for the other person's feelings and needs but also with an understanding that this a very big favor you're asking them to do for you with huge implications.

LydiaJoy12 · October 2013

I completely agree when asking someone to officiate! Normally, a bride isn't as close to the officiate as the bridesmaids. Bridesmaids are supposed to be the people you are closest too. However, if someone were to do something overdone to ask a bridesmaid, I would assume that they would already know everyone's answers. Like me, for an example. I have known all of my bridesmaids for at least 10 years, and there was no doubt that anyone would say no! If I did not know my bridesmaids that well, I would not have done that. But I don't think that its taking them for granted, quite the contrary actually. I have been in tons of weddings and been to hundreds, and never heard of a bridesmaid who was resentful, uncomfortable, and felt taken for granted because the bride did something cute and creative to ask her to be her bridesmaid!

I think that it comes down to how well the bride knows her bridesmaids. But, if I hardly knew my bridesmaids, I would not have done something "overdone" and "over the top". Also, if I hardly knew my bridesmaids, I would not have been as motivated to do something big for them.

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