Engaged!

Blackbird230 · October 2013

So happy right now. BF and I had an amazing weekend. We spent Friday just the two of us hanging out. Saturday we moved 700 bales of hay with my community service fraternity for a local horse rescue that I'm involved with. And Sunday we spent the day with my parents in Massachusetts. Saturday night, we were just curled up and he popped the question! No ring, no anything, just will you marry me. It was so sweet. We've decided to keep it on the DL at the moment and just enjoy being together. In the spring, he wants to get a ring and do a formal proposal and ask my parents' blessing and all of that, but it's kind of nice to have something between us. We know we're committed and where our life is going. It may have taken us three years of back and forth and being friends to get where we are now, but I think that's a part of what makes us special.

Vermont is going to be super amazing now!

Blackbird230 · October 2013

(Also I'm not trying to ditch this thread. I have to head to the courthouse until 1 for the trial I'm covering.)

loves2shop4shoes · October 2013

Kait said:

So happy right now. BF and I had an amazing weekend. We spent Friday just the two of us hanging out. Saturday we moved 700 bales of hay with my community service fraternity for a local horse rescue that I'm involved with. And Sunday we spent the day with my parents in Massachusetts. Saturday night, we were just curled up and he popped the question! No ring, no anything, just will you marry me. It was so sweet. We've decided to keep it on the DL at the moment and just enjoy being together. In the spring, he wants to get a ring and do a formal proposal and ask my parents' blessing and all of that, but it's kind of nice to have something between us. We know we're committed and where our life is going. It may have taken us three years of back and forth and being friends to get where we are now, but I think that's a part of what makes us special. Vermont is going to be super amazing now!

I'm so happy that you're happy.

And I don't mean this at all disrespectfully, but this confused me. Are you engaged or aren't you engaged?

If you're engaged, I can understand why he would still want to buy you a ring... but why do you need it to be a secret? And why is he issuing a "formal proposal" in the Spring? He already proposed.

I feel like situations like this are what cause a lot of the women around here to get confused/crazy/planning when they don't know if they should be planning/resentful/name your adjective.

Swazzle · October 2013

I also agree with Shoes and am confused.

lennonkdc · October 2013

I agree with Shoes Liv and Swazzle.

Not to take away from the "SQUEEE this person wants to spend forever with me" feeling, which is awesome and I'm very happy for you, but getting engaged is sort of a one shot deal. It sounds line you guys consider yourself engaged, but it won't be "real" with out the pageantry of a "formal proposal" and a ring. Its kind of the PPD of getting engaged, a PPE if you will.

FWIW, MANY of the girls here, myself included had, ahem, less then formal proposals some with and some without rings. All of considered ourselves engaged, all of us were thrilled and could not wait to share the news with family and friends. Saying that an informal, ring-less, proposal isn't 'real' and should be kept on the DL is kind of insulting...

loves2shop4shoes · October 2013

lennonkdc said:

I agree with Shoes Liv and Swazzle.

Not to take away from the "SQUEEE this person wants to spend forever with me" feeling, which is awesome and I'm very happy for you, but getting engaged is sort of a one shot deal. It sounds line you guys consider yourself engaged, but it won't be "real" with out the pageantry of a "formal proposal" and a ring. Its kind of the PPD of getting engaged, a PPE if you will.

FWIW, MANY of the girls here, myself included had, ahem, less then formal proposals some with and some without rings. All of considered ourselves engaged, all of us were thrilled and could not wait to share the news with family and friends. Saying that an informal, ring-less, proposal isn't 'real' and should be kept on the DL is kind of insulting...

Lennon, stop being so bitter. Just because YOU didn't get an actual engagement horse...

Oh wait. Neither did I. Sulks back into the shadows.

[Deleted User] · October 2013

horses are smelly. we have some. they poop a lot. I'd hate to have to clean up engagement horse poop all the time!

lennonkdc · October 2013

I'm a such a bitter Betty about my engagement. I DEMAND A DO OVER!!!!! I need my Pretty Princess Engagement!

Swazzle · October 2013

Sometimes, instead of jumping up and down and screaming "yes" when H proposed, I wish I had demanded an engagement lion. Sigh.

[Deleted User] · October 2013

my H proposed with a brownie+fudgy icing+nuts. WIN.

CASK85 · October 2013

I got an engagement turtle. A pillow pet turtle to be exact. His name is Hubert. I know you're all jealous.

[Deleted User] · October 2013

@cschiano - our pups love pillow pets! I think we have the mini turtle pillow pet. they snuggle with them all the time. I will now think of you when I see them lugging the turtle pillow pet around the house.

GoldenPenguin · October 2013

I really don't want to be snarky/bitchy, but I can't.

@livleighton has asked me to marry her. I think this makes us as engaged as you are.

You're either engaged or you're not. It's not "unofficially engaged" or "engaged to be engaged" or whatever. Especially if him asking your for your parent's blessing or whatever is important to you. Are you going to make another post in the spring with "REALLY engaged!" or something?

CASK85 · October 2013

@CocoBellaF - Hubert is mini too

I love him. . I snuggle him all night every night. Yes I am almost 29.

loves2shop4shoes · October 2013

BriSox81 said:

I really don't want to be snarky/bitchy, but I can't.

@livleighton has asked me to marry her. I think this makes us as engaged as you are.

You're either engaged or you're not. It's not "unofficially engaged" or "engaged to be engaged" or whatever. Especially if him asking your for your parent's blessing or whatever is important to you. Are you going to make another post in the spring with "REALLY engaged!" or something?

Bri, I think the answer to that lies in whether or not @LivLeighton presented you with an engagement pony. If not, she knows better, and your engagement is not valid.

GoldenPenguin · October 2013

I will marry you, even with an eaten sparklepony!!! Can Ty & Violet be our ring bearer & flower girl??

GoldenPenguin · October 2013

I agree with @twodimes. I think there's a very real difference in a "let's get married" discussion and a proposal. My boyfriend and I know we want to get married, because we've talked about it, but we are in no way engaged.

KeptInStitches · October 2013

@cocobellaf, you've got a good man there!

katieg520 · October 2013

I think it's awesome! Good for you!

lennonkdc · October 2013

@twodimes, I was engaged without a ring. From the minute he asked me to be his wife and I said yes we considered ourselves engaged. We told everyone we knew, and not having a ring didn't make it less official or more difficult a concept for people to grasp. When asked about the ring, we said we hadn't picked one out yet. It was pretty straight forward....

beanbot2002 · October 2013

Well by the OP definition, I am engaged too! WOOHOO! Who's throwing me an Engagement Party? I have it all planned out for you, so all you have to do is pay for everything. See how considerate I am?

But really, OP, all I'm saying is that SO and I have an agreement that when we finally have our own place (and I say finally in a very exasserbated tone, because sometimes it feels like that will never happen), then we will be getting engaged. That could happen tomorrow, or not for 10 more years (dear god if we are still living with my mother in 10 years I'm going to kill something). BUT, for us, SO would like to have the ring in hand, get down on one knee, etc. Then we will feel engaged. So, if you don't feel engaged without the above, then wait until you do have those things. BUT as other's have pointed out, you don't need those things to be engaged. So, if you consider yourselves engaged without them, then shout it from the roof tops. There is no rule that says "Only once you receive a fancy ring, are you engaged".

lennonkdc · October 2013

@twodimes, I see what you're saying. I'm not offended and I'm sorry if I jumped on you. We've had a few poster's who just can't fathom an engagement being real unless there was some grand gesture involved.

I think the reason your confused is that its really silly concept. We use pregnancy as a stand in here a lot, aka pre planning a wedding is just as crazy as buying a crib, or a car seat when you're not KU. Being 'secretly engaged' but still waiting for a formal proposal is more like deciding with your so that its time to start TTC. You wouldn't tell every one you were KU just because you are ready to go off BC. right? B/C you're not KU, you're just ready to start a family which is great and very exciting, but their could be set backs and thing could get delayed. When you're KU then you can tell people that your having a baby. But doing it before you conceive seems weird...Does that make sense?

bethsmiles · October 2013

I have to agree with the PPs. You either are engaged or you aren't. You can't be engaged now and then get re-engaged later that just doesn't make sense.

I think it's really unfortunate that you are planning to start of your engagement with lying to all of your friends and family.

Blackbird230 · October 2013

@TwoDimes, a lot of it actually is a bit of his traditionalness and my parents'. My friends do know. My parents are extremely traditional and don't understand that there's a less mainstream way to become engaged than having a diamond ring. He's a bit worried that if we let it out too soon people will try and tell us we're too young or something. And I know, we shouldn't be worried about it and even in the spring, people will probably think or say the same thing.

I see being engaged as knowing you have a commitment and promise to be married. So yes I would say I am engaged.

Blackbird230 · October 2013

@TwoDimes and @LivLeighton, I guess I didn't think of it that way. I'm 21 (22 in January.)

bethsmiles · October 2013

You are adults! You are making a HUGE commitment to get married. Lying about it and doing a pretend do-over so that your parents think you are more traditional or so hopefully people won't say you are too young is ridiculous.

You really think your parents would be more upset that he didn't propose with a diamond ring than if they found out you lied to them for 6 months?

Blackbird230 · October 2013

I'm definitely going to think about this and talk with him. Thanks ladies for giving me a new perspective. Needed it. I definitely hadn't spun it around to think about the side of people not knowing.

CLoGreenEyes · October 2013

Kait said:

@TwoDimes, a lot of it actually is a bit of his traditionalness and my parents'. My friends do know. My parents are extremely traditional and don't understand that there's a less mainstream way to become engaged than having a diamond ring. He's a bit worried that if we let it out too soon people will try and tell us we're too young or something. And I know, we shouldn't be worried about it and even in the spring, people will probably think or say the same thing.

I see being engaged as knowing you have a commitment and promise to be married. So yes I would say I am engaged.

First, I just want to say that I am so happy you've found someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, and that you're planning a future together.

It's always so much fun to have that conversation and know that you're on the same page as the one you love!

So, like PPs, I am confused by a few things about the engagement.

1) Not telling your parents but telling your friends. At worst, this just seems like a recipe for disaster to me at; at best, it means that there's this inequality between these two groups of people who are, presumably, very important to you and your BF (FI?). Not that you should just not care what they think, but you guys are obviously comfortable becoming engaged in a non-traditional way. Why not own that, be proud of it, and just accept their reaction as they get used to it?

2) I would personally feel a little silly after getting this first proposal and then waiting for a second proposal before it's "official" or "100%" or something. What does the next proposal mean that this one doesn't?

3) When he officially asks your parents for their blessing, will he tell them that you are already engaged and merely formalizing it? Or will that not be an important detail at that time?

I'm just trying to understand what has happened here that makes it an engagement. Like, if you guys are ready to plan a wedding and actively prepare for marriage, that makes sense then. But it just sounds like that all-important, "Yes, we are gonna do this!" conversation - which is totally a big deal and is really awesome! But my BF and I have had this conversation and we are very much NOT engaged, so I'm just trying to understand the difference here.

[Deleted User] · October 2013

I'm pretty sure my mother would slaughter me if I didn't tell her once we got engaged. Congratulations though, it's going to be a very exciting time for you and your FI.

lennonkdc · October 2013

bethsmiles said:

You are adults! You are making a HUGE commitment to get married. Lying about it and doing a pretend do-over so that your parents think you are more traditional or so hopefully people won't say you are too young is ridiculous.

You really think your parents would be more upset that he didn't propose with a diamond ring than if they found out you lied to them for 6 months?

All of this!

People who are 'old' enough to get married are mature enough to not need their parents to approve of their choices. People who are mature enough to get married don't lie about for fear of what other might think. If you want to been seen as an adult then act like one. Own your choice to get engaged, without a diamond ring, and tell your parents. If they have concerns sit down and talk to them like adults. In the end that can't stop you, but they'll never approve if you act like sneaky teenagers....

GoldenPenguin · October 2013

Also, you CAN have conversations about wanting to get married WITHOUT it being a proposal. It's fine to talk about it and get on the same page. Like I said before, my BF and I have both stated our intent to want to marry each other, but we are in no way engaged.

Engaged!

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