When people want to change their plus one.....

jleon12lsu · October 2013

So I was not able to afford to give everyone a plus one at my wedding but I did of course give everyone that was married/in a relationship as plus one. When addressing the invites and the RSVP cards, I put the names of the specific people invited. (ex. We have reserved 2 seats in your honor. Mr. John Doe and Mrs. Jane Doe)

I recently got a request from someone in a relationship. His partner can't make it to the wedding and he would like to bring someone else in his partner's place. I would think that since the only plus one's invited were spouses and partners, that I should probably tell him that he can't bring anyone else, right? Because then others who were not allowed to bring friends will probably get angry.....right?

And if this is the case, then how should I go about politely telling him that he can't bring someone.

Or should I just allow him to bring someone else since I gave him 2 seats on my guest list?

Thanks!

SlothGoals · October 2013

Did you address the invite to this couple by name?

If you addressed it by name then the invitation is not transferable just because the SO can't make it. You just have to politely let them know that the invitation was for your friend and his partner and unfortunately he can't bring someone else.

If you put "Friend and Guest" then they are at perfect liberty to bring whomever they please.

Amyzen83 · October 2013

Technically if you put specific names on the invitation/s then you shouldn't have to invite this extra person, however if your friend doesn't really know anybody else at the wedding it may be gracious of you to allow the substitute person, but it's not a requirement, especially if you are on a tight budget, and like you said it's not really fair to the rest of your guests, especially the single ones without plus ones.

So here's how I would break it to your friend, "I'm sorry so and so, but the invitation was only addressed to you and so and so, and I'm afraid we won't be able to accommodate your friend, but I really hope you can still come to our wedding!" We'd love to have you!

jleon12lsu · October 2013

I addressed it to the couple by name.

jleon12lsu · October 2013

Thanks for the advice, guys! He will know almost everyone at the wedding so him coming alone shouldn't be an issue!

Amyzen83 · October 2013

Glad to hear it!

Jen4948 · October 2013

Tell him that his plus-one's invitation isn't transferable-that only guests invited by name are invited.

phira · October 2013

I'd phrase it to him like, "We're so sorry [partner] can't make it. Unfortunately, we're not able to extend invitations to guests of guests besides significant others."

The way NOT to phrase it to him (but the way to think about it) is that the invitation is not a ticket to an event. It's non-transferable (just like @Jen4948 says). "And guest," means "And whoever you want," but "And Significant Other" means that you are specifically inviting the significant other. If the SO can't make it, their invitation can't be given to someone else.

JoanE2012 · October 2013

jleon12lsu said:

So I was not able to afford to give everyone a plus one at my wedding but I did of course give everyone that was married/in a relationship as plus one. When addressing the invites and the RSVP cards, I put the names of the specific people invited. (ex. We have reserved 2 seats in your honor. Mr. John Doe and Mrs. Jane Doe)

I recently got a request from someone in a relationship. His partner can't make it to the wedding and he would like to bring someone else in his partner's place. I would think that since the only plus one's invited were spouses and partners, that I should probably tell him that he can't bring anyone else, right? Because then others who were not allowed to bring friends will probably get angry.....right?

And if this is the case, then how should I go about politely telling him that he can't bring someone.

Or should I just allow him to bring someone else since I gave him 2 seats on my guest list?

Thanks!

I hate this phrase. If you address the invitation properly, there is no need for this phrase.

mysticl · October 2013

I invited a friend, her husband, and their two children to my wedding. The husband and kids couldn't make it. So my friend came and brought her sister. Personally I had no problem with this. I also know her sister and think she is great and I really enjoyed having her at my wedding.

SP29 · October 2013

Technically when you invite a guest and their SO, that is not a "plus one"- it is two guests. So if one guest cannot come, the invitation is technically not transferable. It would be up to you if you wanted to allow said guest to bring someone else.

Where as a "plus one" is inviting someone "and Guest" which means they can bring anyone- a date, friend, sibling, etc.

CLI242009 · October 2013

JoanE2012 said:

jleon12lsu said:

So I was not able to afford to give everyone a plus one at my wedding but I did of course give everyone that was married/in a relationship as plus one. When addressing the invites and the RSVP cards, I put the names of the specific people invited. (ex. We have reserved 2 seats in your honor. Mr. John Doe and Mrs. Jane Doe)

I recently got a request from someone in a relationship. His partner can't make it to the wedding and he would like to bring someone else in his partner's place. I would think that since the only plus one's invited were spouses and partners, that I should probably tell him that he can't bring anyone else, right? Because then others who were not allowed to bring friends will probably get angry.....right?

And if this is the case, then how should I go about politely telling him that he can't bring someone.

Or should I just allow him to bring someone else since I gave him 2 seats on my guest list?

Thanks!

I hate this phrase. If you address the invitation properly, there is no need for this phrase.

You would think that would be enough.

I had to do it because my family doesn't really understand etiquette. (I know this because before the save the dates were even out they were hassling my mother and I about who was on the guest and who wasn't. Dad likes to talk to his family, wasn't till my mom and I basically told everyone that it's OUR decision, meaning FI & I, who is invited. So I'm sorry if our choices upset you but this is who we want there with us. It's stopped but after we said this I would get messages from said uncles like "Are you inviting ___ you KNOW him, you GREW UP with him" >.>

My family IS the type that if you put "and family" they would bring who THEY consider their family, which is every tom, dick & harry >.>

So I made the choice of looking bad to my FI's family to save from all the headaches I would get from my side. Looking bad: I know some of my FI's relatives will think like you JoanE. Addressing it properly should of been enough.

Jen4948 · October 2013

This is why I'm not wild about "2 seats reserved in your honor." It lets people think that even if one of a couple can't attend, the other can still bring someone else because there is still a reserved seat.

I wish etiquette could come up with a better way of saying to people "Only Mr. and Mrs. John Smith are invited. If either cannot attend, the invitation is for the other alone. No children or others are included in Mr. and Mrs. Smith's invitation" without having to dance around the issue of "Just address it only to those who are invited" because unfortunately, as much as we'd all like to think people can figure it out for themselves, people RSVPing for or just bringing uninvited guests indicates that that doesn't always turn out to be true and it puts hosts in a tough spot when it shouldn't.

ashleyep · October 2013

Jen4948 said:

This is why I'm not wild about "2 seats reserved in your honor." It lets people think that even if one of a couple can't attend, the other can still bring someone else because there is still a reserved seat.

I wish etiquette could come up with a better way of saying to people "Only Mr. and Mrs. John Smith are invited. If either cannot attend, the invitation is for the other alone. No children or others are included in Mr. and Mrs. Smith's invitation" without having to dance around the issue of "Just address it only to those who are invited" because unfortunately, as much as we'd all like to think people can figure it out for themselves, people RSVPing for or just bringing uninvited guests indicates that that doesn't always turn out to be true and it puts hosts in a tough spot when it shouldn't.

Even if you don't use that wording, and even if people know that who the invitation is addressed to are the only people invited, they will still ask to bring a different guest if their SO can't come. You've already budgeted for 2 people, there's certainly no harm in asking, though I wouldn't do it.

Jen4948 · October 2013

ashleyep said:

Jen4948 said:

This is why I'm not wild about "2 seats reserved in your honor." It lets people think that even if one of a couple can't attend, the other can still bring someone else because there is still a reserved seat.

I wish etiquette could come up with a better way of saying to people "Only Mr. and Mrs. John Smith are invited. If either cannot attend, the invitation is for the other alone. No children or others are included in Mr. and Mrs. Smith's invitation" without having to dance around the issue of "Just address it only to those who are invited" because unfortunately, as much as we'd all like to think people can figure it out for themselves, people RSVPing for or just bringing uninvited guests indicates that that doesn't always turn out to be true and it puts hosts in a tough spot when it shouldn't.

Even if you don't use that wording, and even if people know that who the invitation is addressed to are the only people invited, they will still ask to bring a different guest if their SO can't come. You've already budgeted for 2 people, there's certainly no harm in asking, though I wouldn't do it.

It kind of depends. If I've invited someone by name, that person is the one I want to invite, not a random substitution to make up for the fact that someone's SO can't come. And asking kind of suggests that the asker cares more about having a date there at someone else's expense than they actually do about celebrating with the persons who invited them.

CLI242009 · October 2013

Jen4948 said:

This is why I'm not wild about "2 seats reserved in your honor." It lets people think that even if one of a couple can't attend, the other can still bring someone else because there is still a reserved seat. I don't mind this as much. I mean with my half of the guest list traveling so far, if one of my friends asked to bring a friend (gal pal) or something like that to keep them company because husband/wife couldn't come, I wouldn't be against it. I think it all depends on the situation. I know etiquette stand point it's wrong, but I wouldn't mind.

I wish etiquette could come up with a better way of saying to people "Only Mr. and Mrs. John Smith are invited. If either cannot attend, the invitation is for the other alone. No children or others are included in Mr. and Mrs. Smith's invitation" without having to dance around the issue of "Just address it only to those who are invited" because unfortunately, as much as we'd all like to think people can figure it out for themselves, people RSVPing for or just bringing uninvited guests indicates that that doesn't always turn out to be true and it puts hosts in a tough spot when it shouldn't. The only problem that it would arise for me if i let a friend bring her sister with her instead of her husband, who couldn't make it. I would be afraid that my other guests would be like "what the heck? how come she was able to bring anyone she wanted?"

kitty8403 · October 2013

Jen4948 said:

ashleyep said:

Jen4948 said:

This is why I'm not wild about "2 seats reserved in your honor." It lets people think that even if one of a couple can't attend, the other can still bring someone else because there is still a reserved seat.

I wish etiquette could come up with a better way of saying to people "Only Mr. and Mrs. John Smith are invited. If either cannot attend, the invitation is for the other alone. No children or others are included in Mr. and Mrs. Smith's invitation" without having to dance around the issue of "Just address it only to those who are invited" because unfortunately, as much as we'd all like to think people can figure it out for themselves, people RSVPing for or just bringing uninvited guests indicates that that doesn't always turn out to be true and it puts hosts in a tough spot when it shouldn't.

Even if you don't use that wording, and even if people know that who the invitation is addressed to are the only people invited, they will still ask to bring a different guest if their SO can't come. You've already budgeted for 2 people, there's certainly no harm in asking, though I wouldn't do it.

It kind of depends. If I've invited someone by name, that person is the one I want to invite, not a random substitution to make up for the fact that someone's SO can't come. And asking kind of suggests that the asker cares more about having a date there at someone else's expense than they actually do about celebrating with the persons who invited them.

I think it also depends on what happened to the SO.
If the SO is just busy, I would suggest that is a different situation from a guest whose SO died, is divorcing, or just broke up with him/her. Is the substitute guest the new SO? If he/she is, I think the situation moves into a gray area.

MuppetOverlord · October 2013

No, you don't have to extend the information.

I understand why you are not obligated...but personally, I think it's silly when people don't allow this substitution. They've already allocated two people in their budget to that person, it's not like that vacant spot is going to be given to someone else that wasn't invited.

Jen4948 · October 2013

MuppetOverlord said:

No, you don't have to extend the information.

I understand why you are not obligated...but personally, I think it's silly when people don't allow this substitution. They've already allocated two people in their budget to that person, it's not like that vacant spot is going to be given to someone else that wasn't invited.

Actually, that's exactly what it's going to be like if the person brings a totally new person that the couple doesn't know or like. They have to acknowledge existing relationships, but they don't have to extend that to others. If the only reason a non-attending wife, say, was invited is because she is the wife, and the husband wants to bring someone, say, a co-worker who has no relationship with the couple at all, it seems perfectly reasonable to me that the couple doesn't want to invite the co-worker. Their wedding is supposed to be about inviting their own relatives, friends, and loved ones to celebrate their special occasion-not a "night out on the town" for guests of guests.

MuppetOverlord · October 2013

Jen4948 said:

MuppetOverlord said:

No, you don't have to extend the information.

I understand why you are not obligated...but personally, I think it's silly when people don't allow this substitution. They've already allocated two people in their budget to that person, it's not like that vacant spot is going to be given to someone else that wasn't invited.

Actually, that's exactly what it's going to be like if the person brings a totally new person that the couple doesn't know or like. They have to acknowledge existing relationships, but they don't have to extend that to others. If the only reason a non-attending wife, say, was invited is because she is the wife, and the husband wants to bring someone, say, a co-worker who has no relationship with the couple at all, it seems perfectly reasonable to me that the couple doesn't want to invite the co-worker. Their wedding is supposed to be about inviting their own relatives, friends, and loved ones to celebrate their special occasion-not a "night out on the town" for guests of guests.

Not what I meant. I meant that it's not like the vacant spot is going to be reinvested in a B list guest (hopefully)

ETA: And I recognized that it's not necessary to include the people. I think I'm entitled to feel it's silly when people don't allow the substitution. I didn't know some of our guests spouses, I met them at the wedding. Not a big deal anymore than it would be if I met someone's sister who made the wedding more comfortable for the guest to not have to attend alone (which happened).

jleon12lsu · October 2013

Well the SO we are talking about is actually one of my best friends as well. I'm friends with the couple. They both live in a different state (recently moved there for school) and one cannot attend because he has a final exam that his professors will not let him miss. The guest wants to bring a friend instead (one that is already in the city that the wedding will be held.).

I'm not necessary opposed to letting him have a plus one since I already budgeted 2 seats for him but my main concern is if I let him have one, what about all the other single people that came with no plus one.......

delujm0 · October 2013

It is not strictly necessary to allow a random +1 if a named SO can't make it...but it can be a nice concession, if you have it in your budget (which you should since you were assuming the SO would have been there), and especially if the invited person doesn't know a lot of the other guests.

I can see where it might look bad to the truly single people if they didn't receive +1's - they might think "well why did Bob get to bring some random friend and i wasn't allowed to?" If you didn't extend +1's to truly single guests, you may want to tell Bob that the invitation isn't transferrable to avoid this situation. Personally, we gave all single guests +1's, so we wouldn't have a problem with a stand-in invite because we budgeted for everyone to bring a date.

Also, keep in mind that this guy was at least nice enough to ask you about this - there are plenty of people out there that would just assume that since you "reserved two spots in their honor" they could bring whoever they wanted if their actual SO couldn't make it. And they'd just show up with that other person, or put their name on the RSVP without asking. You're lucky that this guy is actually a thoughtful person. For that alone, I'd let him bring whoever he wanted!

Jen4948 · October 2013

MuppetOverlord said:

Jen4948 said:

MuppetOverlord said:

No, you don't have to extend the information.

I understand why you are not obligated...but personally, I think it's silly when people don't allow this substitution. They've already allocated two people in their budget to that person, it's not like that vacant spot is going to be given to someone else that wasn't invited.

Actually, that's exactly what it's going to be like if the person brings a totally new person that the couple doesn't know or like. They have to acknowledge existing relationships, but they don't have to extend that to others. If the only reason a non-attending wife, say, was invited is because she is the wife, and the husband wants to bring someone, say, a co-worker who has no relationship with the couple at all, it seems perfectly reasonable to me that the couple doesn't want to invite the co-worker. Their wedding is supposed to be about inviting their own relatives, friends, and loved ones to celebrate their special occasion-not a "night out on the town" for guests of guests.

Not what I meant. I meant that it's not like the vacant spot is going to be reinvested in a B list guest (hopefully)

ETA: And I recognized that it's not necessary to include the people. I think I'm entitled to feel it's silly when people don't allow the substitution. I didn't know some of our guests spouses, I met them at the wedding. Not a big deal anymore than it would be if I met someone's sister who made the wedding more comfortable for the guest to not have to attend alone (which happened).

Sure, you're entitled to feel it's silly. But when couples have tight budgets and parents who insist on inviting everyone they know and they've had to leave people they'd prefer to have there off the list and had to make concessions of various kinds, I can see that they could become annoyed by the idea that when one half of a couple can't make it, the remaining half can bring someone of their choice when they had to forgo inviting guests of their own choice just to invite this person and their SO as a couple together. If that's the case, I think it's "silly" of the guest to think that his/her SO's invitation is transferable.

MuppetOverlord · October 2013

jleon12lsu said:

Well the SO we are talking about is actually one of my best friends as well. I'm friends with the couple. They both live in a different state (recently moved there for school) and one cannot attend because he has a final exam that his professors will not let him miss. The guest wants to bring a friend instead (one that is already in the city that the wedding will be held.).

I'm not necessary opposed to letting him have a plus one since I already budgeted 2 seats for him but my main concern is if I let him have one, what about all the other single people that came with no plus one.......

I don't know your friends or family but mine wouldn't notice or care if someone was substituted.

Jen4948 · October 2013

MuppetOverlord said:

jleon12lsu said:

Well the SO we are talking about is actually one of my best friends as well. I'm friends with the couple. They both live in a different state (recently moved there for school) and one cannot attend because he has a final exam that his professors will not let him miss. The guest wants to bring a friend instead (one that is already in the city that the wedding will be held.).

I'm not necessary opposed to letting him have a plus one since I already budgeted 2 seats for him but my main concern is if I let him have one, what about all the other single people that came with no plus one.......

I don't know your friends or family but mine wouldn't notice or care if someone was substituted.

But others could, and they'd be justifiably unhappy by there not appearing to be a set policy-or with "exceptions" all over the place.

The hosts invited who they want. They get to control the guest list-not guests who want to bring whoever. They are entitled to be "comfortable" but that entitlement does not extend to expecting hosts to extend their hospitality to someone they are not in a relationship with just to feel "comfortable." The amenities of being "comfortable" include being allowed to bring your relationship partner, but not anyone else.

kgd7357 · October 2013

We are doing the same thing you are. SOs are all invited, but no random plus ones for anyone but the bridal party. Even though I could probably swing it in the budget, I just don't want a lot of random people at the wedding. We will be specific on the invite address (not adding the seat thing). If people write in a different name or ask I plan to say "We are just keeping the wedding to our friends and their SOs". That's it.

Although on a related note, I haven't decided what to do if people start dating someone after they get the invite (6-8 weeks before the wedding). I would love to meet people's new SOs, but I really don't feel like having flavor of the week. I can totally see this happening with a couple of guys. Did anyone run into this? Also, did anyone have someone just show up with a different guest even though they RSVP'd with their SO? It seems like their isn't much you can do about that.

MuppetOverlord · October 2013

kgd7357 said:

We are doing the same thing you are. SOs are all invited, but no random plus ones for anyone but the bridal party. Even though I could probably swing it in the budget, I just don't want a lot of random people at the wedding. We will be specific on the invite address (not adding the seat thing). If people write in a different name or ask I plan to say "We are just keeping the wedding to our friends and their SOs". That's it.

Although on a related note, I haven't decided what to do if people start dating someone after they get the invite (6-8 weeks before the wedding). I would love to meet people's new SOs, but I really don't feel like having flavor of the week. I can totally see this happening with a couple of guys. Did anyone run into this? Also, did anyone have someone just show up with a different guest even though they RSVP'd with their SO? It seems like their isn't much you can do about that.

I've been the new girlfriend close to a wedding before and I wouldn't have appreciated having been called the "flavor of the week". We were together over a year.

When the invitation goes out, you should be inviting the people your guests are dating at that moment.

kgd7357 · October 2013

Clarification on "flavor of the week";

I send the invite to Jack and Molly. Jack dumps Molly and starts dating Sandra 2 weeks before the wedding. I invited Molly not Sandra. Do I have to let Jack bring Sandra.

Jen4948 · October 2013

Unfortunately, yes. Molly probably doesn't want to come at that point, especially if she was only invited because she's Jack's SO. So since this is a relationship, yes, Jack has to be allowed to bring Sandra. That said, Jack can't expect to bring his co-worker, Teddy, or his brother, James, or his neighbor, Nick, if Sandra isn't available.

MuppetOverlord · October 2013

Out of curiosity, does your perspective change on this when you get past RSVP date?

Would you prefer an empty plate if Jack dumps Molly 2 weeks before the wedding, but after your final count is in to the vendor? Or would you prefer brother James to eat it?

Jen4948 · October 2013

Out of curiosity, does your perspective change on this when you get past RSVP date?

Would you prefer an empty plate if Jack dumps Molly 2 weeks before the wedding, but after your final count is in to the vendor? Or would you prefer brother James to eat it?

It's not always a matter of "who eats the extra plate." It could just be that the couple don't appreciate Jack inviting someone else on their dime who he doesn't have a relationship with. It's their guest list-not Jack's. He is not entitled to expect them to host a guest he's inviting, they aren't, who is not his SO.

When people want to change their plus one.....

Re: When people want to change their plus one.....

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