Polite...

TeriBeri06 · November 2013

I'm in need of a very polite way to tell my mother in-law that she doesn't need to worry about how much the wedding costs. My FI and I are covering half and my mom and dad are covering the other half. His parents are not paying for anything, nor have they offered. In fact, the were down right bothered by the fact that FI was contributing anything at all...I don't want to be a jerk but I also don't want them counting the money we spend...

doeydo · November 2013

Howe can they count your money? Are you two reporting to them about everything? Also, your FI should be the one to talk to her.

justcallmesamson · November 2013

This seems like something maybe your fiance could handle. It's his mother- surely he is able to talk to her privately about sticky issues. If it was me I would tell him how I feel and ask him to talk to her.

KatWAG · November 2013

I would stop sharing details with them. Or be very vague. But youf FI should handle any situation with his mom.

mommapizano · November 2013

@TeriBeri06 If I were you, I wouldn't be the one to bring up worrying over how much the wedding costs if they haven't offered money. But if it's really a problem, I would definitely have your FI talk to them and maybe just say that you are planning a wedding based on money you set aside for the wedding.

FI and I are paying about 70% of the cost, my parents 25% and his parents 5%. It's 2013, the bride's family is not responsible for the whole cost of a wedding! A lot of couples kick in money these days.

Maggie0829 · November 2013

This is something that your FI should handle since it is their parents.

The next time they ask how much you are paying towards the wedding or how much something costs either ignore the question or say "It's covered." and move on.

Finally, the fact that they think it is ridiculous that their son, the groom, is helping to fund his own wedding is just crazy.

NYCBruin · November 2013

Since they aren't financing anything, they shouldn't be privy to any budgets.

Stop talking to them about the wedding and this problem should solve itself. If they ask about specific things, just give vague answers like "it's covered" or "we've taken care of that."

If the problem persists, have your FI say "Mom, I'm really uncomfortable with the comments you have been making about our wedding budget. This is not something I'm willing to discuss with you." If she tries to follow up, "Mom, as I've said before, this is not open for discussion." And then change the subject.

southernbelle0915 · November 2013

TeriBeri06 said:

I'm in need of a very polite way to tell my mother in-law that she doesn't need to worry about how much the wedding costs. My FI and I are covering half and my mom and dad are covering the other half. His parents are not paying for anything, nor have they offered. In fact, the were down right bothered by the fact that FI was contributing anything at all...I don't want to be a jerk but I also don't want them counting the money we spend...

How are these conversations handled currently?

I think you and your FI should come to a mutual understanding of how to handle this when it comes up. Does he feel the same way you do? Can the two of you create a tag-line that you both use for when this comes up?

If she asks for a dollar amount/ballpark cost I think the response is simple, "we're not comfortable talking about personal finances with you." If you're simply bothered when she says stuff like, "well that seems extravagant/expensive/lavish..." you can just ignore her an change the subject.

I would avoid wedding talk as much as possible and, when it's absolutely necessary, give only super generic answers.

Lauderdale Pink · November 2013

And again, I ask the same question...when did it become acceptable for the parents of the groom to pay NOTHING? Your FIs mother would not have to be upset that her son is pitching in for the wedding if she did the right thing and stepped up.

TeriBeri06 · November 2013

As two successful college graduates, My Fi and I were more than equipped to pay for our wedding. My parents completely surprised me by offering to pay for half of it. I don't think many people expect a large amount of help from parents. It's a great gesture, yes, but not one that I expect from anyone especially considering that he and I both work while his mother is the only one working in that household. I don't want them to help financially, nor do I expect it. I just don't want to be judged and talked about for being able to have the things I want.

KatWAG · November 2013

Lauderdale Pink said:

And again, I ask the same question...when did it become acceptable for the parents of the groom to pay NOTHING? Your FIs mother would not have to be upset that her son is pitching in for the wedding if she did the right thing and stepped up.

Seriously? This line of thinking makes me want to pull out my eyelashes.

tammym1001 · November 2013

Has she said things directly to you or are you hearing second hand information from someone else? Also, what is she saying? Tone of voice and context are important when it comes to things like that. She could be snarky and jealous of how much you're spending or just surprised at how much a wedding costs. That would change what my response would be.

NYCBruin · November 2013

Lauderdale Pink said:

And again, I ask the same question...when did it become acceptable for the parents of the groom to pay NOTHING? Your FIs mother would not have to be upset that her son is pitching in for the wedding if she did the right thing and stepped up.

What?

No. No one "has" to pay for a wedding other than the couple themselves.

OP's FMIL is acting like a bitch. But she was under no obligation to pay or offer to pay.

southernbelle0915 · November 2013

Lauderdale Pink said:

And again, I ask the same question...when did it become acceptable for the parents of the groom to pay NOTHING? Your FIs mother would not have to be upset that her son is pitching in for the wedding if she did the right thing and stepped up.

This is not good advice. No one is responsible for paying for the wedding except the bride and groom.

offthemarket915 · November 2013

To the OP, I agree with the others that your FI should handle this.

Aside from that, "why do you ask?" is a great reply to any nosy question. You can usually redirect the coversation after they answer...

My FI's family is not well off and so I've seen some dropped jaws as we answered their questions about our plans. But I don't take offense b/c I know they're the "local hall and a grocery store cake" types, which is fine for them. They're just not used to an event like we're hosting. FI and I are not trying to overdo it, we're just planning what comes naturally to us. Perhaps your FMIL is the same and is just blown away by your plans.

daveANDkristen · November 2013

And again, I ask the same question...when did it become acceptable for the parents of the groom to pay NOTHING? Your FIs mother would not have to be upset that her son is pitching in for the wedding if she did the right thing and stepped up.

It is not a requirement for either set of parents to chip in, yes, including the bride's side. The tradition of the bride's family paying for the wedding began in the days when most weddings were the cake and punch variety and would have cost no more than a few hundred bucks.

TeriBeri06 · November 2013

TammyM1001 there have been comments about how american women only want to be able to brag about how much their wedding costs or suggesting that we get sponsorships. Or suggesting (in my face) that I was using him for his money -_- When she's not saying rude things she is ignoring me.

alm&mdm · November 2013

@TeriBeri06 We just had an argument with my FMIL about a prenup because my FI has more money in the bank than I do and I might be gold digging so I feel your pain on the snarky comments. My FMIL is a real piece of work.

We are paying for the wedding ourselves. We both have good jobs and started saving a couple years ago when we decided this wedding would eventually happen lol Yet my FMIL is constantly nagging on wedding plans and costs. I love my mom because she doesn't want to know how much anything is.

My FI spoke to his mother and basically just said, it's our day, it's our money...you don't get an opinion for once. It didn't help. So then both of us went to her and said we'd love to let you know what's going on but we don't want to listen to judgement about our choices. It didn't help. My FFIL spoke to her recently and said the kids aren't going to tell us anything any,ore unless you stop and now we just don't tell her anything. We avoid wedding talk at all possible costs. if we can't avoid it, we just say oh we haven't booked anything new or no new details to talk about.

It's a tough spot to be in.

tammym1001 · November 2013

I would definitely tell your FI that he needs to shut that down now. She isn't commenting on your wedding, she's insulting you and he needs to put a stop to it. That is ridiculous. I've heard about people saying behind my back (not either of our families) that I'm using FI for his money, but nobody would dare say that to our faces because there would be hell to pay. I can't think of a polite way to put it, but I really think your FI should be the one to talk to her about it.

southernbelle0915 · November 2013

tammym1001 said:

I would definitely tell your FI that he needs to shut that down now. She isn't commenting on your wedding, she's insulting you and he needs to put a stop to it. That is ridiculous. I've heard about people saying behind my back (not either of our families) that I'm using FI for his money, but nobody would dare say that to our faces because there would be hell to pay. I can't think of a polite way to put it, but I really think your FI should be the one to talk to her about it.

I agree with this. If your FI sits there while his mother insults you, or doesn't do anything when you tell him about interactions like this, that's a huge red flag. He needs to approach this issue with her and let her know he won't tolerate her insulting you.

Lauderdale Pink · November 2013

@KatWAG, hope you look OK without eyelashes. A young couple, just starting out, should not be in the position of paying for their own wedding. I can go back generations in my family and my husband's family where the parents of the bride and groom hosted and paid for the wedding. Hence the invitation wording Mr. and Mrs. XYZ request the honor of your presence at the marriage of their daughter ABC to Mr. DEF, son of Mr. and Mrs. MNO. Weddings do not have to rival the English royals, but a first time bride and groom do not host their own wedding. If the bride and groom want to go above the budgets set by their parents, then, sure they should chip in. But to shoulder the whole load, no way.

southernbelle0915 · November 2013

Lauderdale Pink said:

@KatWAG, hope you look OK without eyelashes. A young couple, just starting out, should not be in the position of paying for their own wedding. I can go back generations in my family and my husband's family where the parents of the bride and groom hosted and paid for the wedding. Hence the invitation wording Mr. and Mrs. XYZ request the honor of your presence at the marriage of their daughter ABC to Mr. DEF, son of Mr. and Mrs. MNO. Weddings do not have to rival the English royals, but a first time bride and groom do not host their own wedding. If the bride and groom want to go above the budgets set by their parents, then, sure they should chip in. But to shoulder the whole load, no way.

It's very nice that parents in your family have OFFERED to subsidize/pay for weddings. However, this isn't REQUIRED. I think that's where the difference lies. Neither the bride nor the groom should EXPECT that either side will pay for their wedding. It's nice if parents OFFER to help financially, but it's not REQUIRED.

The only real requirement for a wedding is about $20 for a marriage license at the courthouse. If the B&G have family/friends that attend, they could host cake/punch afterwards for about $20. Including gas to transport yourself to these places, a B&G could have all that's required for a wedding with about $50. If they can't afford that, they should be focusing on financial stability - not marriage.

KatWAG · November 2013

Lauderdale Pink said:

@KatWAG, hope you look OK without eyelashes. A young couple, just starting out, should not be in the position of paying for their own wedding. I can go back generations in my family and my husband's family where the parents of the bride and groom hosted and paid for the wedding. Hence the invitation wording Mr. and Mrs. XYZ request the honor of your presence at the marriage of their daughter ABC to Mr. DEF, son of Mr. and Mrs. MNO. Weddings do not have to rival the English royals, but a first time bride and groom do not host their own wedding. If the bride and groom want to go above the budgets set by their parents, then, sure they should chip in. But to shoulder the whole load, no way.

We are living in 2013. Traditions have modernized a bit from generations past. People used to think dowries were standard also.

It is great when parents offer to help pay for the wedding. But it should never be required or expected. Paying for a wedding is a gift.

And how do you know the OP is young? She could be 40 and getting married for the first/ second/ third time. And there are plenty of other options for the wording of a wedding invite.

TeriBeri06 · November 2013

Teehee, I'm 24 and my FI is 27. We are actully in a great position financially, and that's why I wasn't expecting anyone to help us out. My parents were sweet enough to offer, and his parents havent which is fine b/c I don't expect them to. But I am working with the mentality that if you're not paying for things you don't need to be privy to every cent we choose to spend. My parents know how much things cost but that's because they're paying for them...

KatWAG · November 2013

TeriBeri06 said:

Teehee, I'm 24 and my FI is 27. We are actully in a great position financially, and that's why I wasn't expecting anyone to help us out. My parents were sweet enough to offer, and his parents havent which is fine b/c I don't expect them to. But I am working with the mentality that if you're not paying for things you don't need to be privy to every cent we choose to spend. My parents know how much things cost but that's because they're paying for them...

I was just trying to prove a point about making assumptions.

NYCBruin · November 2013

Lauderdale Pink said:

@KatWAG, hope you look OK without eyelashes. A young couple, just starting out, should not be in the position of paying for their own wedding. I can go back generations in my family and my husband's family where the parents of the bride and groom hosted and paid for the wedding. Hence the invitation wording Mr. and Mrs. XYZ request the honor of your presence at the marriage of their daughter ABC to Mr. DEF, son of Mr. and Mrs. MNO. Weddings do not have to rival the English royals, but a first time bride and groom do not host their own wedding. If the bride and groom want to go above the budgets set by their parents, then, sure they should chip in. But to shoulder the whole load, no way.

I'm amazed that you're able to communicate via the Internet all the way from 1940.

TeriBeri06 · November 2013

@KatWag I got ya...I was trying to through a life line. I was feeling bad for her

Lauderdale Pink · November 2013

We are living in 2013. Traditions have modernized a bit from generations past. People used to think dowries were standard also.

It is great when parents offer to help pay for the wedding. But it should never be required or expected. Paying for a wedding is a gift.

And how do you know the OP is young? She could be 40 and getting married for the first/ second/ third time. And there are plenty of other options for the wording of a wedding invite.

If times have changed then the parents of the grooms should stop hiding behind the old "tradition" that the bride's family pays for the wedding.

annathy03 · November 2013

Lauderdale Pink said:

We are living in 2013. Traditions have modernized a bit from generations past. People used to think dowries were standard also.

It is great when parents offer to help pay for the wedding. But it should never be required or expected. Paying for a wedding is a gift.

And how do you know the OP is young? She could be 40 and getting married for the first/ second/ third time. And there are plenty of other options for the wording of a wedding invite.
If times have changed then the parents of the grooms should stop hiding behind the old "tradition" that the bride's family pays for the wedding.

Well at least you've got the last part right. OP's FMIL is being nasty, there is no reason whatsoever for her to be huffy that her son is contributing to his own wedding.

OP, not sure I have anything PPs haven't covered, your FI should talk to her and be very clear that she is being very disrespectful and that he won't tolerate it. And if it continues, he needs to not tolerate it.

ETA: In case it wasn't clear, they aren't obligated to pay anything either, just like OPs parents. It's nice to offer if a parent wants to, but they certainly don't have to.

KatWAG · November 2013

Lauderdale Pink said:

We are living in 2013. Traditions have modernized a bit from generations past. People used to think dowries were standard also.

It is great when parents offer to help pay for the wedding. But it should never be required or expected. Paying for a wedding is a gift.

And how do you know the OP is young? She could be 40 and getting married for the first/ second/ third time. And there are plenty of other options for the wording of a wedding invite.

If times have changed then the parents of the grooms should stop hiding behind the old "tradition" that the bride's family pays for the wedding.

It sounds like you have some personal issues surrounding a groom's family not paying. Maybe you should consider asking the groom to pay, since it is his day too.

Lauderdale Pink · November 2013

It sounds like you have some personal issues surrounding a groom's family not paying. Maybe you should consider asking the groom to pay, since it is his day too.

@KatWAT-Again, I do not think that a young couple, just starting out, should shoulder the expense of a wedding. I just want to know where the grooms' families get this sense of entitlement about guests and other decisions when they don't add two cents.

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