Too Young

doeydo · July 2013

I'm 20 and have been with my FI for a total of nearly four years. We live together, love each other, and are definitely ready. I, however, am waiting until I am finished college to get actually married.

lilbreeezy · July 2013

i am also a "young" bride. I got engaged last year at 18 and we aren't having the wedding until next year when i am 20. I have gotten alot of the you are "too young" comments... mainly by people who are 1. not associated with me or my family 2. they are jealous that i have found the one sooner than they have and 3. Zach is older than I am (he will be 24 when we get married).... At first it was really frustrating because all i wanted was for people to be happy for me and my husband-to-be. But i have comes to term with it. I realize that 20 is a young age to get married but i have known Zach since i was 8... we dated my freshman year of hs and had a breakup which allowed me to find out who i was and experience other people and so did he. So i know for a fact that Zach is the one i want to spend the rest of my life with and why not start early? I am having a long engagement that way we both can have more of a financial grounding and so far its going great, we both work for the same company and make good pay and save TONS of money by carpooling.

Needless to say.... Every love story is different, I would stress about trying to fit into the "cookie-cutter" timeline that society says is ok

bethsmiles · July 2013

lilbreeezy said:

i am also a "young" bride. I got engaged last year at 18 and we aren't having the wedding until next year when i am 20. I have gotten alot of the you are "too young" comments... mainly by people who are 1. not associated with me or my family 2. they are jealous that i have found the one sooner than they have and 3. Zach is older than I am (he will be 24 when we get married).... At first it was really frustrating because all i wanted was for people to be happy for me and my husband-to-be. But i have comes to term with it. I realize that 20 is a young age to get married but i have known Zach since i was 8... we dated my freshman year of hs and had a breakup which allowed me to find out who i was and experience other people and so did he. So i know for a fact that Zach is the one i want to spend the rest of my life with and why not start early? I am having a long engagement that way we both can have more of a financial grounding and so far its going great, we both work for the same company and make good pay and save TONS of money by carpooling.

Needless to say.... Every love story is different, I would stress about trying to fit into the "cookie-cutter" timeline that society says is ok

It's rather immature to assume people are jealous of you.

Also, you and your FI will likely do a lot of changing in college(or your early 20s in general if you aren't going to college). You're becoming adults and learning how to stand on your own. So even though you feel you "found yourself" in high school be ready to do some more self-discovering in your early 20s. This can be a tough time for a lot of young couples as they change together and sometimes grow apart.

SilverSarahB · August 2013

I think that this idea of "find yourself, then find your perfect someone" is misleading logic. Not that it doesn't feel true at the time, but it treats marriage as an end. You find yourself, find them, happily-every-after-the-end...and skips over the rest of your life! After all, you don't STOP finding yourself at 35...you go through more drastic changes in personality and you continue to grow as a person until the day you die. A good relationship has to experience and survive many changes from each individual for it to "last". I don't see why changes of the early 20s are any different than the changes of your 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s....etc.

I am a very different person than who I was when I met my soon-to-be husband six years ago (at 17), and I certainly hope I'm not the same person now than I will be six years from now. It is the same thing for him, he was very different and likely will become very different. Naturally, our relationship six years ago is a different relationship than it is now. However, after our time together, after the discussions we've had, crisis weathered, joy experienced....we've decided to commit to each other with the understanding that our relationship will change in the future just as much as it has changed in the last 6 years. I trust him to still be a man I love and respect even when he changes, and he trusts me to do the same. In that sense, it's not about age and in a certain sense it's not about maturity ("being grown") because every relationship has growth and change.

I totally laugh about our relationship 6 years ago, ESPECIALLY myself 6 years ago, and that doesn't make my relationship less valid or less viable for the future.

KaySea6213 · August 2013

SilverSarahB said:

I think that this idea of "find yourself, then find your perfect someone" is misleading logic. Not that it doesn't feel true at the time, but it treats marriage as an end. You find yourself, find them, happily-every-after-the-end...and skips over the rest of your life! After all, you don't STOP finding yourself at 35...you go through more drastic changes in personality and you continue to grow as a person until the day you die. A good relationship has to experience and survive many changes from each individual for it to "last". I don't see why changes of the early 20s are any different than the changes of your 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s....etc.

I am a very different person than who I was when I met my soon-to-be husband six years ago (at 17), and I certainly hope I'm not the same person now than I will be six years from now. It is the same thing for him, he was very different and likely will become very different. Naturally, our relationship six years ago is a different relationship than it is now. However, after our time together, after the discussions we've had, crisis weathered, joy experienced....we've decided to commit to each other with the understanding that our relationship will change in the future just as much as it has changed in the last 6 years. I trust him to still be a man I love and respect even when he changes, and he trusts me to do the same. In that sense, it's not about age and in a certain sense it's not about maturity ("being grown") because every relationship has growth and change.

I totally laugh about our relationship 6 years ago, ESPECIALLY myself 6 years ago, and that doesn't make my relationship less valid or less viable for the future.

This. Exactly this. Every word. I'm going to steal this and respond with it every time I get a "too young" comment, verbatim.

SP29 · August 2013

SilverSarahB said:

I think that this idea of "find yourself, then find your perfect someone" is misleading logic. Not that it doesn't feel true at the time, but it treats marriage as an end. You find yourself, find them, happily-every-after-the-end...and skips over the rest of your life! After all, you don't STOP finding yourself at 35...you go through more drastic changes in personality and you continue to grow as a person until the day you die. A good relationship has to experience and survive many changes from each individual for it to "last". I don't see why changes of the early 20s are any different than the changes of your 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s....etc.

Ack.... how do I get this to stop the quote section???

Here is my input:

This is so true. My parents separated after 25 years of marriage because they changed and grew apart instead of together. My mother openly admits this to me- marriage isn't about how big your ring is (just as an example because large engagement rings are "in"), but learning to grow together and accept the other person's differences, find your similarities.

I might think "wow, that's young" but that's because even at 26 (getting married in Jan!) I still feel "young" sometimes, even though I am very mature, responsible and well educated. I started dating my FI at 14, and he is one year older. He would've married me at 20, if I would've moved to be with him when I started my undergrad, but though I loved him dearly and knew I would marry him one day, wasn't yet ready for "that".
But I don't look down on anyone young getting married- it's a personal choice. Some people ask me how I know my FI is the one, considering he's the only person I've ever dated. I just know. With the divorce rate at almost 50%, I think we, and you, have as good of a chance as anyone. Not trying to make light of the situation, or say that anyone expects to get divorced, but there are so many people who get married after dating around and waiting and still get divorced- so really, what IS the "right" way to find your future spouse??

Good luck to all you young brides! Would love to see photos!

aurorajanette · August 2013

Cosmo magazine just had a great article about modern marriage and some of the benefits of waiting until you're a little older. For instance, I think one of the stats was that women who marry in their late 20's/early 30's will make an average of $18,000/year more in their jobs than women who marry in their teens and early 20's. So financially, there's definitely more security in waiting.

That said, however, I think everyone's case is completely different, and if it feels right to you, and you know that you aren't too young, do what you need to do and don't worry about what others say.

I also agree with what some of the other posters have said, about people not meaning offense. I think that people generally are worried in many situations, because often it doesn't work out, and they mean well by trying to prepare you for that possibility. But things not working out is a possibility always. My parents married at 28 & 29 and got divorced in their 40's, so there's a case of an older couple not working out even though they waited.

A lot of it also stems from personal experiences. Most people dated and were in relationship at 16, 19, 21, etc. that they thought were going to last forever, and after a few months or years, ended. I'm one of those people. I had a high school boyfriend from 14-18 - we broke up in college when we drifted apart, even though I was head over heels in love with him in high school and thought we would marry. I had a boyfriend from 20-22 that I also thought I would marry "someday". He broke up with me after two years and then came out of the closet (I seriously had no idea he was gay when we were together). We're now friends. I even had a relationship at 23 that I thought could be the one, and it inevitably ended. Looking back on these I often think, "how did I not see that this wasn't the person for me?" and a lot of the reason is because I've changed so much. Someone who was perfect for me at 16, is not someone who I would get along with now at 27. There's always that fear and that chance that you may grow apart at any age, but you need to do what is right for you and what you know will be the best decision.

SilverSarahB · August 2013

Cosmo magazine just had a great article about modern marriage and some of the benefits of waiting until you're a little older. For instance, I think one of the stats was that women who marry in their late 20's/early 30's will make an average of $18,000/year more in their jobs than women who marry in their teens and early 20's. So financially, there's definitely more security in waiting.

This is true in a sense, but not in the sense that most people think of it as true. When many people hear a statistic like this they think it has a direct link, marrying early = less money. However, that's not true, you're missing middle steps. These statistics come from looking at the averages for people in each group. So if the group analyzed looked at people who married in their teens and early twenties and immediately took entry level jobs, and only a handful continue to higher education and 5 years later take a higher position, even their starting wages will have great disparity in income. This doesn't have ANYTHING to do with being married or not, it has to do with the choice of education. Financially, there's security in making yourself financially secure, and it is only an indirect correlation that people who marry early are more likely to choose to have less education, or have more education unavailable to them.

BethanyandJacob · August 2013

@silversarahb

This is exactly what I was going to say.

It's like the current Match.com commercial on TV, which says: "People who join Match.com are 3x more likely to find a relationship than people who don't."

But people who join Match.com are statistically biased to find a relationship: they only join because they really want one! And who are the people they are being compared to? For all we know, they are being compared to people who are strongly intent on staying single.

Another thing about that marriage/earning statistic is that those women have probably also put off having children. I know it is best for some people, but I would like to start our family before I am in my 30s.

edit: forgot to quote

Grabows14 · August 2013

dammitkrystyn said:

SilverSarahB said:

I think that this idea of "find yourself, then find your perfect someone" is misleading logic. Not that it doesn't feel true at the time, but it treats marriage as an end. You find yourself, find them, happily-every-after-the-end...and skips over the rest of your life! After all, you don't STOP finding yourself at 35...you go through more drastic changes in personality and you continue to grow as a person until the day you die. A good relationship has to experience and survive many changes from each individual for it to "last". I don't see why changes of the early 20s are any different than the changes of your 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s....etc.

I am a very different person than who I was when I met my soon-to-be husband six years ago (at 17), and I certainly hope I'm not the same person now than I will be six years from now. It is the same thing for him, he was very different and likely will become very different. Naturally, our relationship six years ago is a different relationship than it is now. However, after our time together, after the discussions we've had, crisis weathered, joy experienced....we've decided to commit to each other with the understanding that our relationship will change in the future just as much as it has changed in the last 6 years. I trust him to still be a man I love and respect even when he changes, and he trusts me to do the same. In that sense, it's not about age and in a certain sense it's not about maturity ("being grown") because every relationship has growth and change.

I totally laugh about our relationship 6 years ago, ESPECIALLY myself 6 years ago, and that doesn't make my relationship less valid or less viable for the future.

This. Exactly this. Every word. I'm going to steal this and respond with it every time I get a "too young" comment, verbatim.

Too true! I broke it off with my fiancé because we grew apart... Was it during college? Yes, but I think regardless of our life situation, we never learned how to communicate to be able to grow together. We were just happy doing our own thing, and never challenged our differences in opinion (also helped that we never lived together, I'm sure we would would've found a whole slew of things to disagree on then) Communication is the key IMO

takinupspace · September 2013

Both my FI and I are 21 and we've gotten that comment a lot, especially from my overly religious/conservative relatives and friends of my parents. My favorite response is "Well we'd be happy to live together unmarried for the rest of our lives if you think that would be better..."

[Deleted User] · September 2013

Oh my gosh, I totally get this! My fiance and I are 18 and just got engaged in July. It's been a battle every time we tell people: "My parents got married at 20 and got divorced!" "You are way too young!" "You are both going to change and fall out of love!". It's so disheartening when my fiance and I are both 100% in love and excited about marriage when some of our best friends stop talking to us. I understand where they're coming from, but I wish they could just keep their negativity to themselves. My parents were married at 21, engaged at 18, and just celebrated their 32nd wedding anniversary and are both still in love! We LOVE eachother and it's OUR decision and OUR lives. I'll be a 19 year old bride, and it will be a fun story to tell my future daughter or son

KaySea6213 · September 2013

Robloveshallie said:

When FI and I first got engaged we would get this all the time, but now that the wedding is in less than a month we don't hear it anymore. (Except from my biological father, who isn't attending my wedding because my half sisters mother will be there and he hates her. But how can I value somebodys opinion that acts that way anyway?) Anyway, here is what my FI said to me when he heard people talking about getting a pre nup, and it has really stuck. "If you're getting divorced then that means divorce was always on the table. I think that's wrong. If you love somebody with all of your heart and you make the decision to spend the rest of your life with them, why should divorce ever be an option? Take it off the table from the start. Have the mentality to say No, I love you and I am going to fight for us. Have to strength to push through it." I don't believe that you could ever just wake up one day and not love somebody anymore. That's bull. You once loved each other enough to get married so don't just up and throw it away.

It's funny that you mention that. I think one of the sadest things I have heard from my father and his wife is that they don't love each other every day, that there are days when she doesn't love him. When I think of it I give my stepmom the benefit of the doubt and try to believe what she really meant was that she always loves him, but isn't necessarily in love with him every day.

Either way though, it's a very sad thought to me. I've been in a relationship with my husband for 7+ years and every single day from the first day I have been madly in love with him. Angry, hurt, disappointed, or annoyed, I've have been blessed with the knowledge that he is all I could want for my whole life. It's so sad to me that some people may never feel this way or know with such certainty that they've made the right decision.

jchoehler · October 2013

I love this so much. My fiancé and I just got engaged less than 2 weeks ago and we are already hearing those comments. I am 19 and he is 22 and we are getting married next year. I have said those exact words to people, just because you may have been a certain way at this age doesn't mean that's how I am. The majority of the comments are coming from his family. I'd wish that people would see we are getting married regardless of their opinion and their support would be very much appreciated!

sydwil23 · October 2013

SilverSarahB said:

I think that this idea of "find yourself, then find your perfect someone" is misleading logic. Not that it doesn't feel true at the time, but it treats marriage as an end. You find yourself, find them, happily-every-after-the-end...and skips over the rest of your life! After all, you don't STOP finding yourself at 35...you go through more drastic changes in personality and you continue to grow as a person until the day you die. A good relationship has to experience and survive many changes from each individual for it to "last". I don't see why changes of the early 20s are any different than the changes of your 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s....etc.

I am a very different person than who I was when I met my soon-to-be husband six years ago (at 17), and I certainly hope I'm not the same person now than I will be six years from now. It is the same thing for him, he was very different and likely will become very different. Naturally, our relationship six years ago is a different relationship than it is now. However, after our time together, after the discussions we've had, crisis weathered, joy experienced....we've decided to commit to each other with the understanding that our relationship will change in the future just as much as it has changed in the last 6 years. I trust him to still be a man I love and respect even when he changes, and he trusts me to do the same. In that sense, it's not about age and in a certain sense it's not about maturity ("being grown") because every relationship has growth and change.

I totally laugh about our relationship 6 years ago, ESPECIALLY myself 6 years ago, and that doesn't make my relationship less valid or less viable for the future.

Well said. I feel that if you can go through your relationship with your spouse and change and still be madly in love with each other, you've got a God given blessing. Looking at last October to this October, I know I am not the same person, and it's a wonderful thing. Thing that's crazy is My FI and I keep changing, but our love continues, and gets even better. I'm so excited for marriage, God has truly prepared us for this, and it's truly exciting. (We're both 21)

ryannfusc · October 2013

I know exactly how you feel! My FI and I got engaged when we were both 19. Even though we decided to wait until we finished school to get married and will be 23 by then we still get the comments about how "crazy" we are to get married. We decided that is what we want and that we wanted more of a commitment then "boyfriend and girlfriend". I find myself lucky to have met him so early in my life; it just means we have longer to enjoy each other. So the next time you hear an annoying comment just answer them with that! Hey, maybe their jealous! LOL

metalmoliver · October 2013

dammitkrystyn said:

Robloveshallie said:

When FI and I first got engaged we would get this all the time, but now that the wedding is in less than a month we don't hear it anymore. (Except from my biological father, who isn't attending my wedding because my half sisters mother will be there and he hates her. But how can I value somebodys opinion that acts that way anyway?) Anyway, here is what my FI said to me when he heard people talking about getting a pre nup, and it has really stuck. "If you're getting divorced then that means divorce was always on the table. I think that's wrong. If you love somebody with all of your heart and you make the decision to spend the rest of your life with them, why should divorce ever be an option? Take it off the table from the start. Have the mentality to say No, I love you and I am going to fight for us. Have to strength to push through it." I don't believe that you could ever just wake up one day and not love somebody anymore. That's bull. You once loved each other enough to get married so don't just up and throw it away.

It's funny that you mention that. I think one of the sadest things I have heard from my father and his wife is that they don't love each other every day, that there are days when she doesn't love him. When I think of it I give my stepmom the benefit of the doubt and try to believe what she really meant was that she always loves him, but isn't necessarily in love with him every day.

Either way though, it's a very sad thought to me. I've been in a relationship with my husband for 7+ years and every single day from the first day I have been madly in love with him. Angry, hurt, disappointed, or annoyed, I've have been blessed with the knowledge that he is all I could want for my whole life. It's so sad to me that some people may never feel this way or know with such certainty that they've made the right decision.

I think there is a difference in an emotion of feeling "in love" and the action of loving someone. I love my FI so much, but I do not always have that "in love" feeling that sweeps you off your feet. I do a lot, but not all the time. I think the true love is when you work at it. Learn to communicate. Learn to make each other happy. Learn how to be partners and life and be there for each other. I think some people lose that infatuation with each other over time and never learn to work at the relationship. But that is just my observation and my opinion.

allowachick · November 2013

takinupspace said:

Both my FI and I are 21 and we've gotten that comment a lot, especially from my overly religious/conservative relatives and friends of my parents. My favorite response is "Well we'd be happy to live together unmarried for the rest of our lives if you think that would be better..."

Sometimes I really wish I could say this to people like my mother. She has been dropping hints and even seemingly enlisting my grandmother to help discourage me from marrying "too young." She'd love it if this ended up being a 5-year engagement and I didn't get married till I was 27 all the meanwhile living in her house paying her rent and attempting to see my FI a few times a week. But that's impractical and ridiculous. Also she doesn't seem to take into account that my FI is 27 now, and that he matters in this equation.

JCbride2015 · November 2013

I just read this whole thread and I feel like I come at this issue from both directions. I am 26, Fi is 28. We've been together since ages 15 and 17, going strong and have never "taken a break." We have lived together since I graduated college in 2009. I got a few "too young" comments when we moved in together, but I knew we were ready.

The most troubling aspect for me is the age differences for some of the PP's, such as 14 and 18. That is seriously concerning, whether or not you are actually having sex. Intent to marry someone means you have sexual desire for them (it should!). An 18 year old man desiring a 14 year old child disturbs me. Same for 20 and 16. I will also make an unpopular statement here, and say that I think some of this marrying really young situation is due to conservative religious values that prohibit premarital sex or even dating. People get pushed into marriage with their first serious relationship, because that's the only next step to take. Maybe you're lucky and it works out. Maybe it doesn't.

But I also understand being in a relationship young, and loving that person, and knowing you're meant to be together. We have both grown and changed over the years. God knows we're totally different people than our teenage selves. But now in our mid twenties, our relationship is different and yet strong in a totally new way. So I think the only people who really know if you're ready to get married are you and your BF/Fi. Listen to your loved ones, take their honest advice, yes. But don't let strangers just tell you you're too young. As OP said so well, everyone's 19 is different.

I know that for us, we are making the right decision by waiting to get married until we can afford the wedding we want, and we feel like we're ready to really start living the next stage in our lives (done with school, saving up to own our home). Even though we've been together this long, I think we both objectively had some growing up to do before we became a married couple. Getting married to me not only means you're committed to each other, but also that you are ready to step up and become the head of a new family, you and Fi. This requires maturity. Some people might have it at 19, others not until 30, 35, or more.

VerizonGirl · November 2013

Best wishes to you!

raw1299 · December 2013

Life the life you want to live. We got engaged when I was 20, graduated with my bachelors 8 months later, and 2 months after that got married at 21. At 23 we had our first baby. I'm definitely more mature than the average 23 year old. By the way, my husband is also older than me, by 10 years. He tells me I have an old soul. Plus, all the experiences I've had in my life, I just want to be happy with the man I love, and my beautiful baby girl.

Doddlebug12 · December 2013

I agree that everyone's 19 is different. Everyone matures at different rates, so I think it's very out of line when someone says "You're too young, you're just 19!". When the time is right, people instinctively know it, it's not for anyone to judge or try to change your mind. Awesome job sticking to your guns! And Congratulations on the marriage, I wish you and the love of your life happiness in every way!

jacobsgorgeous · December 2013

The funny part is that these days if we do birth control right, getting married does not change our lives like it used to. Unfortunately, I think a lot of women (myself included) do not know enough about birth control and that doctors don't know which questions to answer because you don't know which question to ask.

kerbohl · December 2013

@jacobsgorgeous If the doctors don't know which questions to answer, it's not a very good doctor IMO. I just had the birth control talk with my doctor and she answered all my questions, and it was great! Coming from a Christian education background (aka Sex Ed. only lets you know about abstinence and all those horrible sexually transmitted diseased that you will inevitably get when you stop being abstinent), I knew nothing coming into it, but just being honest with the doctor and saying that to begin with, they should start with the basics and help you out. It is their job, after all.

But you are right about people not thinking about the idea that some brides get married and don't start a family right away. Some of us get married for love, not to have a baby . . .

jacobsgorgeous · December 2013

'eh college docs.

jacobsgorgeous · December 2013

I've gotten it straightened out by now, but in the beginning my doc didn't mention how time-specific the pill was.

jellybeann · December 2013

Because unless you're taking a very low-dosage, progesterone-only pill (then ignore this because you need to take it at the same time every day no questions asked), it's really not that time-sensitive. You really just need to take it every day, it doesn't have to be at the exact hour every day. A lot of women do take it at the same time (set an alarm or put a reminder on their phone) because it helps them remember. But as long as you remember to take it every day, it really doesn't matter what time you take it.

Gina0887 · December 2013

Just say "thank you for your concern" and that's it. Don't get into a back and forth of who is right and who is wrong because it's like politics. You can show every reason someone is wrong, but they will still get heated. Just acknowledge their opinion as they care about you and drop it. If you don't live with your parents and have a job like an adult than by all means, you are one. Don't let people pressure you.

telsmore · January 2014

They're only saying you're too young because they're having a mid-life crisis lol.

behappy67 · February 2014

I've only had ONE person comment on our ages. And, she simply said, "Are you rushing to have sex?" (I come from VERY religious circles). I said nope, we've already had sex. Her response was congrats.

I think it's hard for her because she has a son my age who still lives at home and hasn't quite grown up.

I'm 19, he's 20. We're both in school. I'm over half way and he has one year left. And, we've both lived on our own for several years.

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