Bridesmaids Gifts: is wedding related ever ok?

photokitty · November 2013

Do you think it is ever ok to have the wedding party gift be for use in the wedding?

So, I saw a wedding video once where the BMs all received the same black Louboutin pumps as their gift and to wear in the wedding...and it made me wonder...

If you were given $500+ shoes or matching real jewelry (ie real pearls or real gold) would you be OK with it being a gift to use at the wedding?

I'm curious if people feel differently about receiving something expensive or "real" since the likelihood of reuse is much higher than a fake pearl necklace or matching robes?

On the guy side, I've seen been to a wedding were they received converse shoes for the wedding as their gift and were thrilled.

Just curious what people think.

Peaseblossom55 · November 2013

I don't think the cost is a big issue, it really depends what the object is. As a BM one time we all got pandora bracelets and a charm, we all wore them the day of the wedding. I love the bracelet I wear it every day and FI has bought more charms for it. Another time as a BM I got a necklace to wear for the wedding that was made by the bride's sister. It wasn't my style and I wouldn't wear it again.

thelastdreamer · November 2013

Honestly, if I got a $500 bm gift, who cares if I like it. I'd sell that crap if I didn't like it and pay for my dress, airfare and then some. Best BM gift ever.

photokitty · November 2013

thelastdreamer said:

Honestly, if I got a $500 bm gift, who cares if I like it. I'd sell that crap if I didn't like it and pay for my dress, airfare and then some. Best BM gift ever.

AGREED! My jaw dropped when they opened them and of course the BMs were giddy beyond belief. I'd have put tape on the bottom so I didn't scuff them up for ebay ;-p

J+A 2013 · November 2013

I said no only because I can't wear most real jewelry and my feet are tiny, so I doubt the shoes would fit me right. Also, I don't really *want* a $500 pair of shoes.

daria24 · November 2013

I said no, because I don't care that they cost $500, I don't wear high heels and I would resent my friend/family member for insisting I wear a specific kind of shoe.

The jewelry I don't feel strongly about though. Even if it's ugly, it's not painful for me to wear it for the day. Unlike a pair of 5 inch heels that I would be in agony after 5 minutes.

tabathafaye · November 2013

Where is the option for "No preference, a gift is a gift"?

I was just in the wedding where the ladies got a monogrammed t-shirt to wear while getting ready, monogrammed makeup bag, and necklace and earrings to wear to the wedding, and a nice handwritten card. The monogramming was my initials and in my favorite color.

I loved all the gifts (but I know monogramming is a southern thing, might not be right for everyone). I have already worn the t-shirt again. My makeup is in my new bag.

I am not arguing it is okay because it is against etiquette. But a gift is a gift.

NYCBruin · November 2013

Peaseblossom55 said:

I don't think the cost is a big issue, it really depends what the object is. As a BM one time we all got pandora bracelets and a charm, we all wore them the day of the wedding. I love the bracelet I wear it every day and FI has bought more charms for it. Another time as a BM I got a necklace to wear for the wedding that was made by the bride's sister. It wasn't my style and I wouldn't wear it again.

I agree with this. There are some very expensive things that you could give me as a gift that I wouldn't like/use because it's not my style. For example, I would not appreciate yellow gold jewelry of any kind or pretty much anything by certain famous designers. The fact that the bag cost $500 doesn't change the fact that I think its fugly.

Teddy917 · November 2013

I think if it's something they would genuinely like and something you'd get them for their birthday (cost aside) then it's fine.

delujm0 · November 2013

i just got some questionable gifts for a VERY expensive (for me and the other guests) DW that i am a BM in. I was planning to get my bridesmaids nice jewelry (about $200-250 each) that they could decide to wear or not wear on the day of the wedding...i don't want to admit it, but i was a little peeved to get a non-personal (we all got the same generic gift - most of which was to be worn for the wedding), inexpensive BM gift for a wedding that is costing me SO MUCH TIME AND MONEY to attend.

But the bride is still my best friend. C'est la vie.

Inkdancer · November 2013

My option: as long as I like it, who cares? I wouldn't want a monogrammed Coach bag, or a solid gold tiara, because those aren't things I would ever use again. My gift from my best friend's wedding was a pendant and chain that she asked us to wear at the wedding that probably cost her $10, but I love the pendant and wear it all the time.

It comes down to this: what will the girls like? If they will like Louboutins, then by all means go for it. I sure would!

KickAssMOH · November 2013

I have always thought it's nice to do a gift that's part for the wedding and part personal, so I followed that plan with my own wedding. I gave jcrew necklaces for them to wear to the wedding, and small designer bags that I knew they would all love as a personal gift. 3 out of 4 loved them - my sister/MOH kindly asked me for the receipt so she could buy something else instead. Oh well, I tried.

Amyzen83 · November 2013

I was in a close friend's wedding and we did get the same type of bridesmaid gift non-wedding related, but she also bought us these gorgeous peacock feather clips to wear in our hair for the wedding, I still wear it in my hair for special occasions

Jen4948 · November 2013

Well, I myself wouldn't want to be told to wear the "gift" at the wedding because that would make it no longer a "gift" but a mandatory dress item given for the bride's benefit and not mine.

So if you want to give shoes or jewelry, don't make wearing them as part of the bridesmaid outfit a condition of being in the wedding. It needs to be strictly optional on the bridesmaids' part.

Peaseblossom55 · November 2013

The worst gift was a monogrammed robe to wear while getting ready, it had my initials on it, it was big. I only wore for the few minutes when the brides insisted we have our robes on for a group picture. I was tempted to toss it when I got home from the wedding but felt bad doing it same day so I'll probably let it sit there for a few more months before I toss it.

chibiyui · November 2013

There is a world of difference between getting Louboutins and $20 shoes from Payless. If its Payless, I'd rather the bride spend the money elsewhere.

erinlin25 · November 2013

I would appreciate anything that was given to me, but would much rather something I could use again so to not feel like my friend wasted her money. I would be uncomfortable if my friend bought me a $500 pair of shoes. The only monogrammed item I still use was a cute bag that is great for overnight trips. Other than that, everything monogrammed went to goodwill. The times I was given jewelry it was all nice, so that has been used again. The cutesy things are fine if it is what the bride really wants to spend her money on, but at least give the girl something she personally can enjoy after the wedding.

syoun1nj · November 2013

Personally I don't care about the gift that much, a gift is a gift. It's a nice thing to get, but not required. My girls got earrings from Etsy that were totally rewearable (I hope!) and personalized tumblers (like those Starbucks ones but with their names). They at least said they liked them. I've been in two weddings and our gifts were (CZ) jewelry that was totally wearable for everyday, clutches, homemade bourbon (terrible. if you do this, practice first!). I appreciated all, but I really care mostly about being there for a friend. I don't think I would accept a bridesmaid position for someone I did not feel that way about.

Then again, I wouldn't buy myself Louboutins, much less others.

phira · November 2013

Honestly? I do not like when people give me jewelry unless they know what kind of jewelry I like. If someone gave me a beautiful, expensive necklace to wear in their wedding, I'd be irritated if it was something they liked and I didn't. And because it would be for the wedding, it would have been chosen because of the bride's tastes.

And I can barely walk in 1-inch heels. I don't want Louboutins.

If the bride can spend $500 on each bridesmaid, I'd rather she get $200 or under bridesmaids dresses, pay for them because we'll never wear them again, and get me a spa gift certificate or something.

Viczaesar · November 2013

FYI, OP, it's toeing, not towing.

Viczaesar · November 2013

daria24 said:

I said no, because I don't care that they cost $500, I don't wear high heels and I would resent my friend/family member for insisting I wear a specific kind of shoe. The jewelry I don't feel strongly about though. Even if it's ugly, it's not painful for me to wear it for the day. Unlike a pair of 5 inch heels that I would be in agony after 5 minutes.

southernbelle0915 · November 2013

See I gave my BMs each an 18" real pearl necklace and matching pearl studs. But it wasn't their only gift. I also got them personal stuff and didn't ask them to wear the pearls in the wedding.

It's all relative. In other words, for one bride, a budget of $300/BM might be the same percent of the overall budget as a $30/BM budget for another bride. Just because one bride's overall and/or per BM budget is bigger doesn't mean she gets a free pass on treating her BMs like individuals.

KickAssMOH · November 2013

...just wanted to add this...

The first time I was a bridesmaid, we each received a cheap engraved keychain with our name on it, in a heart, with rhinestones. That was the entire gift. I never used it. It had no bearing, however, on my friendship with this bride....to this day, we are still as close as family and I love her just the same. I think that maybe gift expectations when you are a BM should be classified the same way as wedding gift expectations - you get what you get, and you should just be happy with whatever.

csuave · November 2013

I've been a BM/MOH 3 times and got jewelry each time and some other nice little gifts. Each time there were 1-2 things I liked and used again (including the jewelry 1 out of 3 times) and the rest of the little gifts got thrown out/donated just because I couldn't use them or they weren't to my personal taste. But I thought they were all very sweet.

I always feel some guilt about throwing stuff away/donating it unless I know it is going to someone that will really like it and use it. It would be nice if a gift receipt came with these gifts (I provided them with my gifts to my BP) but that has never happened. Actually, gift receipts are much appreciated by me in general but it seems that they are rarely provided.

Liatris2010 · November 2013

The only wedding related gift I life for BMs if when the bride covers the wedding-related expenses like dress or travel. The caveat is that she doesn't use the fact that she is purchasing them to force BMs into dresses they hate or showing up a day early.

bunni727 · November 2013

A gift is a gift, and I'm grateful for whatever I get. However, considering I don't wear jewelery or expensive shoes, I'd feel guilty as fuck for not liking the gift and like my friend cared more about giving impressive gifts than ones we would use and enjoy. The cost doesn't change how I feel about that at all, unless it adds even more guilt.

SP29 · November 2013

I chose option one, not because of the price, but because I would be fine being given a gift for the wedding if it is something I would wear again.

I like jewelry- pearls, rhinestones, diamonds, gemstones, yellow gold, white gold, sterling silver... I like it all! As long as it wasn't something gaudy, I'd likely wear the jewelry again.

Monogrammed make up bag- maybe. I have a make up bag right now. But if it was something different, like a travel bag for clothes/make up/ jewelry, likely more interested. Monogrammed robe- no! I already have 3 robes and only wear them occasionally.

I would love a pair of Louboutins, but I would worry that the bride spent a ton of money and they wouldn't fit properly... that's the tricky thing about buying anyone shoes or clothes- cuts are different between styles and brands, who knows what will fit someone properly. I would feel guilty if I couldn't wear them and would feel bad saying, "These are great, but they don't fit me".

If the bride was going to spend that much money, I think I'd rather she bought my dress for me.

NYCBruin · November 2013

KickAssMOH said:

...just wanted to add this...
The first time I was a bridesmaid, we each received a cheap engraved keychain with our name on it, in a heart, with rhinestones. That was the entire gift. I never used it. It had no bearing, however, on my friendship with this bride....to this day, we are still as close as family and I love her just the same. I think that maybe gift expectations when you are a BM should be classified the same way as wedding gift expectations - you get what you get, and you should just be happy with whatever.

I agree with this. I would never be upset about a "bad" bridesmaid gift.

However, as a bride, I am trying to get my bridesmaids gifts that they will really appreciate. I think most of the posts on these boards about this topic are coming from that place. I mean isn't the whole point of a gift to give something the receiver actually wants/likes/will use. I think some people get too into pinterest/wedding magazines and lose sight of what the point of giving your bridesmaids gifts are in the first place.

short+sassy · November 2013

I actually never realized it was considered rude to give a bridesmaid gift that was wedding related until I got to this board. I received bridesmaid gifts from a friend that were all related to her wedding, but I loved them even more for that. She had a calla lily theme and gave me a pendant and brooch that were calla lilies. She didn't require me to wear them in her wedding, though I did. She also got me some rhinestones that twist into hair. Again, it was a "if you like these, I think they would be cute"...and they were super cute in my hair (if I do say so myself)...but I know she wouldn't have been offended if I had chosen not to wear them. Plus all of it was given to me the day before, so it wasn't like there was any pressure at that moment.

But, after reading TK, I made sure to give my MOH something totally un-wedding related that I hoped she would like.

Pepper6 · November 2013

It depends on the thought behind it, not the cost. If I was the type to wear Louboutins, then sure, I'd be thrilled. But I'm absolutely not, so while I'd wear them for the wedding, I would have much rather had my BM dress paid for that I'll never wear again, then to receive exorbitantly expensive shoes that I'd never wear again (and I'd be consigning them as soon as the wedding was over).

PlumPeach · November 2013

It definitely comes down to whether the gift is the recipient's taste or not. If it's something they would love to get anyway, I don't see any problem giving them something wedding related.

I was in a wedding once where each bridesmaid got a little satin wristlet from David's Bridal to match our bridesmaid dresses. Each girl had a different emergency supply to carry in the purse in case one of the bridal party needed it - I got a travel bottle of Tylenol, another girl got safety pins, etc...

The bag was not something I would ever use again, and the bride did not give them to us until right before we got into the limo for the ceremony. I had already bought an evening bag for the wedding because I didn't know I would be given one.

She gave the MOH a very nice diamond pendant and diamond earrings. In front of us. *shrug*

Like others have said, it had no effect on our relationship. I think someone just steered her wrong on what her maids would like.

Bridesmaids Gifts: is wedding related ever ok?

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