Wedding Etiquette Forum

How Rude Am I? On A Scale of 1-10?

::Cues "woe is me" music::

We've been engaged for two weeks and I already have a headache. FI and I have been together for two years, living together for one. We always planned on a September/October wedding and said we didn't want to be engaged for a full year. We're ready to do this!

So, one of my closest friends (and potential BM) got engaged in July. She originally wanted a June/July wedding, but decided against it b/c she's in another mutual friend's wedding next June and that friend kinda told her that if their weddings were super-close, it would be a bit inconvenient. So, my friend chose Sept. 20 and jokingly apologized for "stealing my month." No biggie, I knew we'd figure something out. I'm a BM in her wedding and super-excited for her.

I got engaged two weeks ago and found a great venue here in Atlanta. Thing is, their only availability was Aug. 30, Sept. 6 or Nov. 8 and I told myself to avoid September at all costs. So, even though Aug. 30 is Labor Day weekend, I tried to make it work. But, FI's half of the guest list is from out of state and there are NO hotels in Atlanta that weekend (it's gay pride and Comic Con, on top of a holiday weekend). To be considerate to our guests, Aug. 30 just was not going to work.

Then, FI put his foot down and said he was NOT getting married in Nov. So, Sept. 6 it is! Except...my friend doesn't love the idea of us getting married two weeks before her. In her defense, she is in three weddings next year (one in April, one in June and  mine in September) on top of getting married herself later in Sept. That's a lot for anyone, so, I gave her an "out" and told her I understood if she couldn't swing being a BM two weeks before her own wedding. Told her I wouldn't be mad if she had to bow out, but that I'd love her to stand next to me. Also told her that all she had to do was put on the dress and stand there for my wedding, but she said she'd be too focused on her own day to do it. I'm a little sad, but I get it.

She also mentioned the dates being so close would be hard on our guests/bridal party. We DO have two BMs in common, but I've checked with both of them and they're ok with being in both weddings as long as they have ample time to buy the dresses. About 20 of our guests will be the same (I'm having 200 ppl, she's has 250), but I figure, they'll just be invited to two big parties in September, nothing too hard about that, right? Since her entire guest list and bridal party are all from GA, as is my half of guest list/bridal party, everyone's pretty local. But I do have to be sensitive to FI's needs - all of his groomsmen and his half of guest list have to travel across state lines to attend.

Am I totally selfish here? I truly tried to avoid her entire wedding month, but it just wasn't ironing out for us. I felt that by giving her the "out" and just asking her to attend as a guest, along with checking with the bridal party members we have in common, I was doing the right thing..Thoughts?

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Re: How Rude Am I? On A Scale of 1-10?

  • I don't think there's anything wrong with two weeks apart. When you have a lot of friends getting married, you can't possibly space them all out so there aren't any close together. She can plan her wedding and you plan yours and all you'll have to do for the other wedding is show up. 
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  • edited November 2013

    ::Cues "woe is me" music::

    We've been engaged for two weeks and I already have a headache. FI and I have been together for two years, living together for one. We always planned on a September/October wedding and said we didn't want to be engaged for a full year. We're ready to do this!

    So, one of my closest friends (and potential BM) got engaged in July. She originally wanted a June/July wedding, but decided against it b/c she's in another mutual friend's wedding next June and that friend kinda told her that if their weddings were super-close, it would be a bit inconvenient. So, my friend chose Sept. 20 and jokingly apologized for "stealing my month." No biggie, I knew we'd figure something out. I'm a BM in her wedding and super-excited for her.

    I got engaged two weeks ago and found a great venue here in Atlanta. Thing is, their only availability was Aug. 30, Sept. 6 or Nov. 8 and I told myself to avoid September at all costs. So, even though Aug. 30 is Labor Day weekend, I tried to make it work. But, FI's half of the guest list is from out of state and there are NO hotels in Atlanta that weekend (it's gay pride and Comic Con, on top of a holiday weekend). To be considerate to our guests, Aug. 30 just was not going to work.

    Then, FI put his foot down and said he was NOT getting married in Nov. So, Sept. 6 it is! Except...my friend doesn't love the idea of us getting married two weeks before her. In her defense, she is in three weddings next year (one in April, one in June and  mine in September) on top of getting married herself later in Sept. That's a lot for anyone, so, I gave her an "out" and told her I understood if she couldn't swing being a BM two weeks before her own wedding. Told her I wouldn't be mad if she had to bow out, but that I'd love her to stand next to me. Also told her that all she had to do was put on the dress and stand there for my wedding, but she said she'd be too focused on her own day to do it. I'm a little sad, but I get it.

    She also mentioned the dates being so close would be hard on our guests/bridal party. We DO have two BMs in common, but I've checked with both of them and they're ok with being in both weddings as long as they have ample time to buy the dresses. About 20 of our guests will be the same (I'm having 200 ppl, she's has 250), but I figure, they'll just be invited to two big parties in September, nothing too hard about that, right? Since her entire guest list and bridal party are all from GA, as is my half of guest list/bridal party, everyone's pretty local. But I do have to be sensitive to FI's needs - all of his groomsmen and his half of guest list have to travel across state lines to attend.

    Am I totally selfish here? I truly tried to avoid her entire wedding month, but it just wasn't ironing out for us. I felt that by giving her the "out" and just asking her to attend as a guest, along with checking with the bridal party members we have in common, I was doing the right thing..Thoughts?

    You're fine. If you want to have your wedding on September 6th - have your wedding on September 6th. It may be a bit difficult for common guests, but you're never going to find a perfect weekend for all 200 of your guests. Especially in the Fall when school is starting and college football is going on. (I went to a  wedding this year where it was on the big state rivalry weekend and everyone was on their phones during the reception getting score updates - sad, but true.)

    Other options if you WANT to move your weekend are 1) find a different venue that has something earlier in August or later in October available, or 2) take the November 8th date. I don't really understand why your FI is anti-November. Seems like it'd be a nice time of year in Atlanta, but whatever.

    ETA: Or option 3 would be to just wait until Fall 2015 if you want to. You'll have a lot longer to save and hopefully all this wedding frenzie in your crowd will have calmed a bit.
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    CLoGreenEyesPrettyGirlLost
  • InkdancerInkdancer The Shire member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    On a scale of 1 to 10, this is a 0. You did your best to be considerate of all parties involved, and you didn't plan it to be the day or even the week before hers. Don't worry about it.
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    eyeroll
    MadHops21grumbledore
  • melbelleupmelbelleup member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    edited November 2013
    It's not rude. How many guests will you and her have in common? My brother and I are having our weddings this summer 3 weeks apart. Our whole guest list of my side will be identical. Now, that is rude. It annoys me, but he gets to pick his date just like I picked ours (my FI and I were engaged before him and his FI)

    ETA: We're all in each other's wedding. No issues and I even live 8 hrs away. Regardless what date they picked, I would have to travel so the date doesn't really matter.
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  • Grabows14Grabows14 member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited November 2013
    Let it be. True friends don't make a big deal out of this. If you and your FI are happy with what you planned then stick to it!
    Good luck! 
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  • arrippaarrippa Sam Adams Craft Commonwealth member
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited November 2013

    A few thoughts... Your friend only gets one day. It's not fair to have dibs on the entire month (I don't think even Princess Kate had the entire month for her wedding).

    Aside from the two BMs, do you have any other guests that will be attending both weddings?  Is she worried about that? Does she think that she can't afford to buy her dress? Although, I am not crazy about you giving her an out; sometimes I think it can come off as trying to kick someone out passive agressively.

    I must say, Sept 6 is an awesome day...it's my birthday!

  • delujm0delujm0 member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited November 2013

    One of my BMs set her date as two weeks before mine.  I didn't care.  SHe ran the date by me first, and I told her as long as she was back from her honeymoon in time to stand up at my wedding, we're all good.  I am also in her wedding, and this is in no way a big deal to me, or something I have to miss because i will be "too focused" on my own day.  If she drops out of your brida party because of this, she isn't a very good friend.  Especially since you are local to each other, and she wouldn't even have to travel to attend your wedding.

     

    I would probably bow out of being a BM if my friend's wedding was like the day before mine, but otherwise I'd just do it.  Seriously, jus plan your acivities out to allow yourself enough time to deal with your own weding because and also one other social evnt that is three weeks earlier.  It's pretty easy.

     

    You're not rude.  She gets one day and you get one day.  She does not get to own an entire month.  Some people do think it's rude to say things like "oh you don't have to be a BM now if you don't want to" or whatever, but it's not CRAZY rude.  maybe a 2-3 on a 1-10 scale.

  • you are not rude. everybody gets ONE day. i never understand brides who get all in a huff about this. 

    i have a co-worker who is recently engaged and she had all this drama about choosing a date based on her friends' dates. unless its immediate family (i.e.: siblings) getting married close together where than can (but not necessarily) be issues with finances and guests traveling, i just don't see this as an issue at all. 
  • You're doing the right thing in being considerate of FI's family and friends who will have to travel (and shouldn't be asked to travel during a weekend when you know there are two big events in town on top of a holiday and there won't be rooms available). With 20 overlapping guests, that makes this even less of an issue, 

    If you were getting married the day before your friend, I might tell you to reconsider but two weeks (from September 6 to September 14) is plenty of space and you're not in the wrong here.
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  • And tbh she chose to schedule her wedding at the same time she knew you were planning on scheduling yours. I don't know what she thought would happen. 
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    SKPMsarahsmiles326
  • Somebody is being rude here, but it's not you. 
    PrettyGirlLostSewInLoveWithDMBMadHops21
  • Whew! Thank you, ladies! I just needed to make sure I wasn't making excuses for myself and living in my own bubble here. The feedback is much appreciated. My friend isn't typically the petty type, so I do think she'll eventually come around. As long as she's there, at least as a guest, I'll be ok. I will still be in her Sept. 20 wedding, no questions asked.

    And for those who asked, we have about 20 guests (all who live in the Atlanta area), as well as two BMs, in common. The two BMs were fine, as long as they're given ample time to pay for their dresses. The guests don't have to do anything but show up and party, so I figured that was less of a big deal. All of our common guests are sorority sisters that live within an hour of the city and are up for a party any way, so I'm not too concerned about that.

    Thanks again for the reassurance!

  • You are fine and she will get over it. She probably will start to get really excited as you plan together. One of my BM and I accidentally booked the same wedding day for next year. And the only day at either of our venues that was available to change to in the summer was two weeks earlier on a cancellation at mine. So they are now two weeks apart, and it's no big deal. Just make sure to compare note on when things like bridal showers and bach parties are so you don't conflict.

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    No, you aren't being rude.  Sometimes life just doesn't allow people who are close to spread their weddings further apart.
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    She gets one day, you get one day. I don't understand why people think the have the right to a whole month, season or year. You put the ball in her court, so let her be pissy if she wants but you're not wrong. You can't plan your life around her events. 
    Ditto Ditto Ditto. She needs to get over it. 
  • @southernbelle0915 - November IS pretty in Atlanta (today's weather not considered) - cool weather, gorgeous trees, etc. But FI wants to get married sooner rather than later and waiting until Nov. because of a two week discrepancy just didn't make sense to him. Also, he's concerned about his out-of-town guests who will have to turn around and go back out of town for their own Thanksgiving obligations. Getting married so close to Thanksgiving could become a travel/budget issue for some.
  • @kgd7357 good for ya'll for working it out! I was really hoping she'd look at it more positively. For instance, the fact that we do have two BMs in common decreases the likelihood of conflicting bridal showers and bachelorette parties. And, I do think once she gets over the initial shock, she'll start to get excited. She may even be sad on my wedding day when all of our other close friends are in the bridal party and she's in the audience...we shall see...

     

  • I agree you are definitely not being rude. As PP's have stated you don't get to claim a whole month it is one day and as stated above true friends do not make a big deal out of something like this. I have had my wedding date in my head for awhile (before being engaged) and mutual acquaintances of ours got engaged quite awhile before we did and they were originally thinking about getting married the week after us but now it's a few weeks before. A lot of our mutual friends will be invited to both wedding. I initially felt a little bad for choosing a date so close to theirs when they were engaged first but the date we chose is extremely important to me and I wasn't changing it. If certain guests can't swing both weddings I would never be upset or anything all I care about is marrying the love of my life. The rest is just noise and I get my day just like everyone else does so as long as you are respectful/courteous which it sounds like you are then I wouldn't worry at all.

    Destined04
  • I am in a similar situation.  My sister is getting married this coming May.  I had originally wanted a June wedding and this June would have been that month.  Out of respect for her I changed my date a full year and now will be married in June 2015.  I do not recommend changing it that far out but understand if she will be in your wedding and you will be in hers there may be conflicts and you may not get to be apart of every event.  Remember the bachelorette party, rehearsal dinner and bridal shower all occur around to the wedding day.  If your ok with potentially missing out on one of her events or she missing out on yours then book it for that date.  I do however think that your friend is the one being rude saying she'll be focused on her own wedding to be involved in yours.  From that comment alone I would just book your day 2 weeks before hers and let her get angry if she will be.
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  • labrolabro Hotlanta member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    @southernbelle0915 - November IS pretty in Atlanta (today's weather not considered) - cool weather, gorgeous trees, etc. But FI wants to get married sooner rather than later and waiting until Nov. because of a two week discrepancy just didn't make sense to him. Also, he's concerned about his out-of-town guests who will have to turn around and go back out of town for their own Thanksgiving obligations. Getting married so close to Thanksgiving could become a travel/budget issue for some.

    I would like to say that my sister got married this past weekend and we had very few declines. Most of our declines we knew would happen anyway because of family members who had had major vacations earlier this fall and weren't able to take additional time for her wedding plus early November is WAY more pleasant in Atl than early September tends to be.

    Regardless, I also don't think you're being rude at all. Your friend already knew about your preference before she changed her wedding plans. Like others have said, she doesn't get an entire month. My coworker last year attended I think around 10 or 12 weddings in the summer of 2012 and she was a bridesmaid or her H was a groomsman in the majority of them and they still managed to swing it. It will all work out just fine.



    Destined04
  • HaileyDancingbearHaileyDancingbear Arkham Asylum member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper

    She gets one day, you get one day. I don't understand why people think the have the right to a whole month, season or year. You put the ball in her court, so let her be pissy if she wants but you're not wrong. You can't plan your life around her events. 
    Agreed.  The only one being rude here is the other bride.  @destinedo4 You said she booked for sept 20 when she knew you were thinking either sept or october and joked that she was "Stealing your month" so where the hell does this woman get off booking the same month you wanted to book, then getting mad when you book your wedding in September, when she knew before she even booked hers that was what you planned all along?  THAT'S what's rude here.  I totally agree with misssunshine17, you both get one day, and she shouldn't get pissy just because you booked during the entire month she feels entitled to.  And given that she's the one who decided to book in September when she knew you already planned to book in September, she has no right to have a problem with your wedding date.
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    Destined04Anaelsea
  • Not rude at all! She picked September well aware that was a month you were interested in, so now she has to share it. The only other thing is to be careful of your honeymoon plans and make sure your back if you said you will be in her wedding!

    I can't believe she is backing out of being a BM because she will be too focused on her day.... what?!!? She can't walk down an aisle, hold some flowers and smile for pictures because she will be thinking of her day? I am hoping she quickly realizing how crazy that sounds and wants to be a apart of your day before its too late.

    And from a guest point of view... I love weddings and would be pumped to celebrate again in 2 weeks with friends!
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    Destined04
  • phiraphira Bahstin member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    You're not being rude, and I think she'll get over it.
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  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 Boston Suburbs member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I also wanted to point something out: What difference does it make if your wedding is September 6 or August 30? They are only 1 week apart. So she couldn't do 2 weeks before her wedding, but 3 weeks would have been fine? Doesn't make any sense.
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    Bubblegum5586
  • As long as your mutual guests are local it shouldn't be an issue for them.  I once did 2 weddings 6 days apart.  I was a reader for the first one so I had the rehearsal Friday night and the wedding Saturday.  Then I was a guest at a wedding the following Friday evening.  My job at the time had a 7 day schedule that rotated between 1st and 2nd shift and I managed to make it work.  And then I hit another wedding out of town 2 months later.  Wore the same dress to all three.  
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    Bubblegum5586
  • On a scale of 1-10......0. Doesn't even begin to register on the Rude scale.
  • She will be too busy thinking about her own day to be able to stand up in your wedding? Does that mean that she will be too busy thinking about her own day to even be able to attend your wedding as a guest?  I didn't realize that planning a wedding took up 24 hours of your thinking every day.

    This.

    I must have missed the day technology started giving people cartoon-style thought bubbles! I'm glad I've been warned not to think things like "Just don't trip" while walking down the aisle for my own. 

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  • Like previous people have said you are NOT being rude. I repeat you are NOT being rude. I think you may have done more than you needed to in order to be considerate. You truly care about making things easier on her (great) but don't forget that by doing that you can also make things harder on yourself. I think you're perfectly fine and if she wants to act like a 2 year old then let her - it's on her, not you.
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