creative way to ask for money

AlexisA01 · November 2013

amboyna1220 said:

WOW apparently I need to clarify. We are not registering for gifts. We are not asking people to give US money. Instead we are asking people to donate to a charity of OUR choice which is a local camp for children and families suffering from pediatric cancer. People coming to our wedding do not have to pay for drinks and do not even have to pay for a way home. It is all being provided by us. I do not understand why we cannot put out a jar for people to donate money to without sounding rude. Its for kids who the cancer!!!!! To all you bridezillas chill out, clean up your language and next time give constructive advice before jumping to conclusions. Oh yes and congrats on your wedding good luck with the wedding planning and my condolences to your future husbnads. Last time I use this resource......

No....

No.........

You can't expect people to be okay with your choice of charity. You shouldn't expect your guest to donate for YOUR wedding.. It's just against etiquette. ALL the ladies in this post gave you reasons WHY it is a BAD idea.

BlueBirdMB · November 2013

Take any money you get as a wedding gift and do whatever you want with it- donate away. Do not ask anybody else to donate for you. I choose to donate to charities of MY choice, not someone else's. That's why it's called "charity", not "taxes"- only the government gets to tell me how my money will be spent, darn it!

You know what else I don't like? Those stupid little cards at each table that say "in lieu of a favor, a donation has been made to X". Favors are stupid to begin with. You want to donate to charity, feel free, but don't do it for me.

ElcaB · November 2013

Have a small, simple wedding, take the difference of what your wedding costs are and would have been, and donate it (quietly) to the charitable cause of your choice.

I.e., if your wedding budget is $10,000, cut corners, scale back, and spend $3,000 instead. Then donate $7,000 to the charity of your choice, but without announcing it to your guests and the world. You can also donate any cash you receive as gifts (but without begging for it from guests).

Whatever you do, be sure you host your guests properly. This means they shouldn't have to provide tips, or payment for anything else, at your wedding.

Does that make sense?

AroundTheBlock · November 2013

amboyna1220 said:

WOW apparently I need to clarify. We are not registering for gifts. We are not asking people to give US money. Instead we are asking people to donate to a charity of OUR choice which is a local camp for children and families suffering from pediatric cancer.

Thank-you for coming back and clarifying what you were planning, when so many people on the board were asking for that exact clarification.

amboyna1220 also said:

People coming to our wedding do not have to pay for drinks and do not even have to pay for a way home. It is all being provided by us. I do not understand why we cannot put out a jar for people to donate money to without sounding rude.

Alright, let me try to help you understand.

First of all, contrary to what you may have heard, a lady may certainly sponsor a charity. She may, with complete propriety, promote that charity to her friends by recommending it and speaking well of it. If she does this, she ought to have at hand the facts about how the charity operates, whom it benefits, and what its percentage overhead is. She should also provide the address or website where her friends can donate privately and without accounting to her for whether they give or not. A lady who gives of her time and social credit -- because, frankly, she may use up her friends' appreciation of her company with this kind of work -- is making a self-sacrifice and should not be vilified for it. But she has to do it in such a way that she is never guilting anyone into giving nor checking up on them to see how much they gave.

A lady may also lend her support to a charity by acting as a patroness and hosting fund-raising events on the charity's behalf. Such events may involve some sort of subscription from 'guests' where they are expected to contribute in order to attend; or it may involve games, raffles, sales and donation requests to raise funds for the charity. Hosting such a gala event incurs considerable cost and effort on the part of the patroness, so again it is a self-sacrifice and is admirable. But the notable character of a charity fundraising gala is, that the 'guests' know they are being invited for the depths of their pockets and the needs of the charity before they make the decision about whether to attend or not.

A wedding is not an appropriate event for a fundraising gala. Your guests do not have a clear choice ahead of time about whether to go to a fundraiser or not. They may be of two minds: wanting to celebrate your marriage with you -- even, if they are old-fashioned about such things, feeling that since it is a wedding invitation they CANNOT decline without a good excuse -- but NOT wanting to attend a fundraiser at all, or not wanting to attend a fundraiser for your particular chosen charity. You place your guests on the horns of a dilemma by combining two unrelated events. It is even worse if they do not know about the fundraiser ahead of time, but have it sprung on them after they already arrive at the wedding. Some will have no problem with it, and even appreciate your public spirit, but some will wonder if the only reason you invited them was for their deep pockets. They may feel snubbed or tricked, having been expecting to be treated as honoured guests and finding that they are expected to step into the role of donors, instead.

So, what can you do? Well, as @nicoann and @Inkdancer suggest, you can coerce the custom of having a "registry" into serving your purpose. If you have a website with a registry page, put the aforementioned information about the charity's business operations on your registry page. You need not preface that information with anything about it being in lieu of gifts or in your honour: just use the page to get the information out, and if you like add some words about why the charity matters to you personally. Since those of us who ignore wedding websites will probably phone your mother or maid of honour to ask where you are registered, equip them with the same information, and maybe a pamphlet or two. And, of course, if you do receive any cash gifts, by all means donate them yourselves, and tell the giver in your thank-you note what you did with the gift and why, possibly inspiring them to support the charity themselves in the future.

I hope you may have a lovely wedding.

BlueBirdMB · November 2013

AroundTheBlock said:

amboyna1220 said:

WOW apparently I need to clarify. We are not registering for gifts. We are not asking people to give US money. Instead we are asking people to donate to a charity of OUR choice which is a local camp for children and families suffering from pediatric cancer.

Thank-you for coming back and clarifying what you were planning, when so many people on the board were asking for that exact clarification.

amboyna1220 also said:

People coming to our wedding do not have to pay for drinks and do not even have to pay for a way home. It is all being provided by us. I do not understand why we cannot put out a jar for people to donate money to without sounding rude.

Alright, let me try to help you understand.

First of all, contrary to what you may have heard, a lady may certainly sponsor a charity. She may, with complete propriety, promote that charity to her friends by recommending it and speaking well of it. If she does this, she ought to have at hand the facts about how the charity operates, whom it benefits, and what its percentage overhead is. She should also provide the address or website where her friends can donate privately and without accounting to her for whether they give or not. A lady who gives of her time and social credit -- because, frankly, she may use up her friends' appreciation of her company with this kind of work -- is making a self-sacrifice and should not be vilified for it. But she has to do it in such a way that she is never guilting anyone into giving nor checking up on them to see how much they gave.

A lady may also lend her support to a charity by acting as a patroness and hosting fund-raising events on the charity's behalf. Such events may involve some sort of subscription from 'guests' where they are expected to contribute in order to attend; or it may involve games, raffles, sales and donation requests to raise funds for the charity. Hosting such a gala event incurs considerable cost and effort on the part of the patroness, so again it is a self-sacrifice and is admirable. But the notable character of a charity fundraising gala is, that the 'guests' know they are being invited for the depths of their pockets and the needs of the charity before they make the decision about whether to attend or not.

A wedding is not an appropriate event for a fundraising gala. Your guests do not have a clear choice ahead of time about whether to go to a fundraiser or not. They may be of two minds: wanting to celebrate your marriage with you -- even, if they are old-fashioned about such things, feeling that since it is a wedding invitation they CANNOT decline without a good excuse -- but NOT wanting to attend a fundraiser at all, or not wanting to attend a fundraiser for your particular chosen charity. You place your guests on the horns of a dilemma by combining two unrelated events. It is even worse if they do not know about the fundraiser ahead of time, but have it sprung on them after they already arrive at the wedding. Some will have no problem with it, and even appreciate your public spirit, but some will wonder if the only reason you invited them was for their deep pockets. They may feel snubbed or tricked, having been expecting to be treated as honoured guests and finding that they are expected to step into the role of donors, instead.

So, what can you do? Well, as @nicoann and @Inkdancer suggest, you can coerce the custom of having a "registry" into serving your purpose. If you have a website with a registry page, put the aforementioned information about the charity's business operations on your registry page. You need not preface that information with anything about it being in lieu of gifts or in your honour: just use the page to get the information out, and if you like add some words about why the charity matters to you personally. Since those of us who ignore wedding websites will probably phone your mother or maid of honour to ask where you are registered, equip them with the same information, and maybe a pamphlet or two. And, of course, if you do receive any cash gifts, by all means donate them yourselves, and tell the giver in your thank-you note what you did with the gift and why, possibly inspiring them to support the charity themselves in the future.

I hope you may have a lovely wedding.

Bam! Miss Manners herself could not have said it better!

Jen4948 · November 2013

BlueBirdMB said:

AroundTheBlock said:

amboyna1220 said:

WOW apparently I need to clarify. We are not registering for gifts. We are not asking people to give US money. Instead we are asking people to donate to a charity of OUR choice which is a local camp for children and families suffering from pediatric cancer.

Thank-you for coming back and clarifying what you were planning, when so many people on the board were asking for that exact clarification.

amboyna1220 also said:

People coming to our wedding do not have to pay for drinks and do not even have to pay for a way home. It is all being provided by us. I do not understand why we cannot put out a jar for people to donate money to without sounding rude.

Alright, let me try to help you understand.

First of all, contrary to what you may have heard, a lady may certainly sponsor a charity. She may, with complete propriety, promote that charity to her friends by recommending it and speaking well of it. If she does this, she ought to have at hand the facts about how the charity operates, whom it benefits, and what its percentage overhead is. She should also provide the address or website where her friends can donate privately and without accounting to her for whether they give or not. A lady who gives of her time and social credit -- because, frankly, she may use up her friends' appreciation of her company with this kind of work -- is making a self-sacrifice and should not be vilified for it. But she has to do it in such a way that she is never guilting anyone into giving nor checking up on them to see how much they gave.

A lady may also lend her support to a charity by acting as a patroness and hosting fund-raising events on the charity's behalf. Such events may involve some sort of subscription from 'guests' where they are expected to contribute in order to attend; or it may involve games, raffles, sales and donation requests to raise funds for the charity. Hosting such a gala event incurs considerable cost and effort on the part of the patroness, so again it is a self-sacrifice and is admirable. But the notable character of a charity fundraising gala is, that the 'guests' know they are being invited for the depths of their pockets and the needs of the charity before they make the decision about whether to attend or not.

A wedding is not an appropriate event for a fundraising gala. Your guests do not have a clear choice ahead of time about whether to go to a fundraiser or not. They may be of two minds: wanting to celebrate your marriage with you -- even, if they are old-fashioned about such things, feeling that since it is a wedding invitation they CANNOT decline without a good excuse -- but NOT wanting to attend a fundraiser at all, or not wanting to attend a fundraiser for your particular chosen charity. You place your guests on the horns of a dilemma by combining two unrelated events. It is even worse if they do not know about the fundraiser ahead of time, but have it sprung on them after they already arrive at the wedding. Some will have no problem with it, and even appreciate your public spirit, but some will wonder if the only reason you invited them was for their deep pockets. They may feel snubbed or tricked, having been expecting to be treated as honoured guests and finding that they are expected to step into the role of donors, instead.

So, what can you do? Well, as @nicoann and @Inkdancer suggest, you can coerce the custom of having a "registry" into serving your purpose. If you have a website with a registry page, put the aforementioned information about the charity's business operations on your registry page. You need not preface that information with anything about it being in lieu of gifts or in your honour: just use the page to get the information out, and if you like add some words about why the charity matters to you personally. Since those of us who ignore wedding websites will probably phone your mother or maid of honour to ask where you are registered, equip them with the same information, and maybe a pamphlet or two. And, of course, if you do receive any cash gifts, by all means donate them yourselves, and tell the giver in your thank-you note what you did with the gift and why, possibly inspiring them to support the charity themselves in the future.

I hope you may have a lovely wedding.

Bam! Miss Manners herself could not have said it better!

No. This is what you do not do. If you want to donate, more power to you. But you need to limit this to your own funds-not those of your guests. Do not use your wedding to exhort your guests to donate. Don't even put this on a registry. It's the same as telling your guests to donate directly. They may well not want to. You need to respect that and not use any part of your wedding as an awareness-raiser.

clg1213 · November 2013

PP have covered the conceptual and etiquette side of things.

On a practical side, most guests aren't going to have a lot of cash on them when going to hosted event...many will have none at all. Tip jars are frowned upon too (though I tend to have a few small bills on hand just for that reason...which may not be the proper response...) so it isn't like you are just replacing one jar w/ another.

AroundTheBlock · November 2013

Jen4948 said:Don't even put this on a registry. It's the same as telling your guests to donate directly. They may well not want to.

No more so than registering for Spode china is telling your guests directly to give you that as presents. They may not want to do that either.

A registry has "plausible deniability" because it is the bride's personal brainstorming about what she needs to setup housekeeping according to her values and future plans, and the guests who track down that registry are themselves taking responsibility for inquiring into her personal business. If they make the effort to find that page and discover that she is more interested in paediatric cancer camps than in Spode, it is still their responsibility. I give her mother and maid of honour credit for having more tact than to respond bluntly to inquiries of what she would like by saying "Donate Money." They should wait to be pressed, say she expects nothing, and reveal her interest in paediatric cancer camps to people who truly persist in knowing what she wants. But that is the same in any case where people are asking what to give. And if the well-wisher does persist, the person who finds herself cornered into passing on the information, should have facts and not just vaguaries.

Jen4948 · November 2013

AroundTheBlock said:

Jen4948 said:Don't even put this on a registry. It's the same as telling your guests to donate directly. They may well not want to.
No more so than registering for Spode china is telling your guests directly to give you that as presents. They may not want to do that either.

A registry has "plausible deniability" because it is the bride's personal brainstorming about what she needs to setup housekeeping according to her values and future plans, and the guests who track down that registry are themselves taking responsibility for inquiring into her personal business. If they make the effort to find that page and discover that she is more interested in paediatric cancer camps than in Spode, it is still their responsibility. I give her mother and maid of honour credit for having more tact than to respond bluntly to inquiries of what she would like by saying "Donate Money." They should wait to be pressed, say she expects nothing, and reveal her interest in paediatric cancer camps to people who truly persist in knowing what she wants. But that is the same in any case where people are asking what to give. And if the well-wisher does persist, the person who finds herself cornered into passing on the information, should have facts and not just vaguaries.

Sorry, I don't agree. If the OP wants to donate to charity, she can do that with her own funds. But I don't believe that anyone should tell anyone else to donate as a "gift" to them. It's still telling other people how to spend their money and what causes to back, which is not appropriate.

Liatris2010 · November 2013

Sigh.

Gift registries are for the convenience of the guest. Someone wants to buy you China, put they don't know what pattern you like or how many place settings you need, so they check the registry. Everyone knows money makes a good gift. If people want to give you money, they will, and then you can spend it however you wish, whether it be on household goods, a nice vacation, or on a charity of your choosing. Don't solicit donations for charity on your registry. At best, it makes you look sanctimonious.

princessleia22 · November 2013

Jen4948 said:

AroundTheBlock said:

Jen4948 said:Don't even put this on a registry. It's the same as telling your guests to donate directly. They may well not want to.
No more so than registering for Spode china is telling your guests directly to give you that as presents. They may not want to do that either.

A registry has "plausible deniability" because it is the bride's personal brainstorming about what she needs to setup housekeeping according to her values and future plans, and the guests who track down that registry are themselves taking responsibility for inquiring into her personal business. If they make the effort to find that page and discover that she is more interested in paediatric cancer camps than in Spode, it is still their responsibility. I give her mother and maid of honour credit for having more tact than to respond bluntly to inquiries of what she would like by saying "Donate Money." They should wait to be pressed, say she expects nothing, and reveal her interest in paediatric cancer camps to people who truly persist in knowing what she wants. But that is the same in any case where people are asking what to give. And if the well-wisher does persist, the person who finds herself cornered into passing on the information, should have facts and not just vaguaries.

Sorry, I don't agree. If the OP wants to donate to charity, she can do that with her own funds. But I don't believe that anyone should tell anyone else to donate as a "gift" to them. It's still telling other people how to spend their money and what causes to back, which is not appropriate.

IMO, including a charity in with your registry isn't any worse than a registry itself. A gift registry also directs people what to buy or where to spend their money. I don't think charity donations should be included as the ONLY recommended gift option though, because like others have said, it equates to asking ONLY for money and not everyone will want to give cash (to you or charity) or will want to donate to the charity of your choice, even if it seems to be a good cause. But, including it as one of your registry options, along with normal gift registries, doesn't force anyone to do anything they don't want to do... it just provides another option. Although I have include a few charities as options on my registry, I highly doubt that anyone will actually donate to them. Most people that provide wedding gifts do so to help better your future, not some strangers.

I know that I am very picky about which charities I will donate to because I hate when too much of the donations go into overhead or for CEO to drive sports cars, rather than the money helping the cause. So, I would never donate to a charity unless I have looked at their information ahead of time and am confident that they are using my donation wisely. Even Susan G. Komen, which is a huge charity supported by many people and a great cause, will never get any of my money because too little of it actually goes into research or helping the cause. I have known many people affected by cancer (my FI included), but I choose to donate my money to cancer organizations that put my money into research or helping those affected rather than overhead or advertising. All of the charities I included on my registry as options are ones that I have extensively researched, they are highly rated, have extremely low overhead, and I have provided links to their financial information, so if any of my guests are interested in donating, they can look into these charities prior to the donation. They don't need to decide on the spot to cough up their cash without knowing anything about the charity.

But, that was included in my registry as one option, so nobody is being forced, pressured, or coerced to donate to these charities. I'm not putting everyone on the spot at my wedding and surprising them by asking for money there. And they have other gift options available/recommended to them, if they even choose to give a gift at all.

KeptInStitches · November 2013

nicoann said:

Jen4948 said:

AroundTheBlock said:

Jen4948 said:Don't even put this on a registry. It's the same as telling your guests to donate directly. They may well not want to.
No more so than registering for Spode china is telling your guests directly to give you that as presents. They may not want to do that either.

A registry has "plausible deniability" because it is the bride's personal brainstorming about what she needs to setup housekeeping according to her values and future plans, and the guests who track down that registry are themselves taking responsibility for inquiring into her personal business. If they make the effort to find that page and discover that she is more interested in paediatric cancer camps than in Spode, it is still their responsibility. I give her mother and maid of honour credit for having more tact than to respond bluntly to inquiries of what she would like by saying "Donate Money." They should wait to be pressed, say she expects nothing, and reveal her interest in paediatric cancer camps to people who truly persist in knowing what she wants. But that is the same in any case where people are asking what to give. And if the well-wisher does persist, the person who finds herself cornered into passing on the information, should have facts and not just vaguaries.

Sorry, I don't agree. If the OP wants to donate to charity, she can do that with her own funds. But I don't believe that anyone should tell anyone else to donate as a "gift" to them. It's still telling other people how to spend their money and what causes to back, which is not appropriate.

IMO, including a charity in with your registry isn't any worse than a registry itself. A gift registry also directs people what to buy or where to spend their money. I don't think charity donations should be included as the ONLY recommended gift option though, because like others have said, it equates to asking ONLY for money and not everyone will want to give cash (to you or charity) or will want to donate to the charity of your choice, even if it seems to be a good cause. But, including it as one of your registry options, along with normal gift registries, doesn't force anyone to do anything they don't want to do... it just provides another option. Although I have include a few charities as options on my registry, I highly doubt that anyone will actually donate to them. Most people that provide wedding gifts do so to help better your future, not some strangers.

I know that I am very picky about which charities I will donate to because I hate when too much of the donations go into overhead or for CEO to drive sports cars, rather than the money helping the cause. So, I would never donate to a charity unless I have looked at their information ahead of time and am confident that they are using my donation wisely. Even Susan G. Komen, which is a huge charity supported by many people and a great cause, will never get any of my money because too little of it actually goes into research or helping the cause. I have known many people affected by cancer (my FI included), but I choose to donate my money to cancer organizations that put my money into research or helping those affected rather than overhead or advertising. All of the charities I included on my registry as options are ones that I have extensively researched, they are highly rated, have extremely low overhead, and I have provided links to their financial information, so if any of my guests are interested in donating, they can look into these charities prior to the donation. They don't need to decide on the spot to cough up their cash without knowing anything about the charity.

But, that was included in my registry as one option, so nobody is being forced, pressured, or coerced to donate to these charities. I'm not putting everyone on the spot at my wedding and surprising them by asking for money there. And they have other gift options available/recommended to them, if they even choose to give a gift at all.

But then, rather than risking offending your guests by your choice of charities (everything is controversial), why not take a portion of any gifts you receive and donate that instead?

monkeysip · November 2013

Again, like PPs said, the point of a registry is to make things convenient for your guests. So that if they want to buy something for you kitchen or bed or bath, they know which items you need.

If a couple wants to give you money... they don't need a convenience for that. They'll give you money.

And if a couple wants to donate to a charity instead of buy your a present, then I'm sorry, but that's weird. Who actually says to themselves, "Oh, it's Jan and Bob's wedding, how wonderful. I'm going to donate to St. Jude's children's hospital instead of giving them a present!" No one does that, so you don't need to provide convenient charity choices for them.

The only people I don't really judge for doing that are celebrities. Celebrities already have tons of money, and their guests have tons of money, so its just kind of expected that the traditional wedding gift money will go to a charity instead. *Shrug*

Jen4948 · November 2013

KeptInStitches said:

nicoann said:

Jen4948 said:

AroundTheBlock said:

Jen4948 said:Don't even put this on a registry. It's the same as telling your guests to donate directly. They may well not want to.
No more so than registering for Spode china is telling your guests directly to give you that as presents. They may not want to do that either.

A registry has "plausible deniability" because it is the bride's personal brainstorming about what she needs to setup housekeeping according to her values and future plans, and the guests who track down that registry are themselves taking responsibility for inquiring into her personal business. If they make the effort to find that page and discover that she is more interested in paediatric cancer camps than in Spode, it is still their responsibility. I give her mother and maid of honour credit for having more tact than to respond bluntly to inquiries of what she would like by saying "Donate Money." They should wait to be pressed, say she expects nothing, and reveal her interest in paediatric cancer camps to people who truly persist in knowing what she wants. But that is the same in any case where people are asking what to give. And if the well-wisher does persist, the person who finds herself cornered into passing on the information, should have facts and not just vaguaries.

Sorry, I don't agree. If the OP wants to donate to charity, she can do that with her own funds. But I don't believe that anyone should tell anyone else to donate as a "gift" to them. It's still telling other people how to spend their money and what causes to back, which is not appropriate.

IMO, including a charity in with your registry isn't any worse than a registry itself. A gift registry also directs people what to buy or where to spend their money. I don't think charity donations should be included as the ONLY recommended gift option though, because like others have said, it equates to asking ONLY for money and not everyone will want to give cash (to you or charity) or will want to donate to the charity of your choice, even if it seems to be a good cause. But, including it as one of your registry options, along with normal gift registries, doesn't force anyone to do anything they don't want to do... it just provides another option. Although I have include a few charities as options on my registry, I highly doubt that anyone will actually donate to them. Most people that provide wedding gifts do so to help better your future, not some strangers.

I know that I am very picky about which charities I will donate to because I hate when too much of the donations go into overhead or for CEO to drive sports cars, rather than the money helping the cause. So, I would never donate to a charity unless I have looked at their information ahead of time and am confident that they are using my donation wisely. Even Susan G. Komen, which is a huge charity supported by many people and a great cause, will never get any of my money because too little of it actually goes into research or helping the cause. I have known many people affected by cancer (my FI included), but I choose to donate my money to cancer organizations that put my money into research or helping those affected rather than overhead or advertising. All of the charities I included on my registry as options are ones that I have extensively researched, they are highly rated, have extremely low overhead, and I have provided links to their financial information, so if any of my guests are interested in donating, they can look into these charities prior to the donation. They don't need to decide on the spot to cough up their cash without knowing anything about the charity.

But, that was included in my registry as one option, so nobody is being forced, pressured, or coerced to donate to these charities. I'm not putting everyone on the spot at my wedding and surprising them by asking for money there. And they have other gift options available/recommended to them, if they even choose to give a gift at all.

But then, rather than risking offending your guests by your choice of charities (everything is controversial), why not take a portion of any gifts you receive and donate that instead?

This exactly. If you want to donate money or gifts you've already received, feel free to do that-but don't expect your guests to donate for you. It's still their money up until they spend it or donate it, and they may not want to contribute to the charities you support.

marshmallow1982 · November 2013

HisGirlFriday13 said:

1. No, sweetie, you don't have to clarify. We knew how rude you were when you first commented.

2. Because the charity is OF YOUR CHOICE. You don't get to tell people how to spend their money, and you DEFINITELY don't get to tell them how to spend their money on you.

3. Because you're being a money-grubber by demanding that people give YOU money to support a charity of YOUR choice that maybe they don't agree with. As a PP said, no one is going to say, 'OH, I hope kids get cancer and die!" but some of us will say, "Oh, I'd rather give my money to X charity or Y organization to promote Z research."

4. We did. We told you not to do this. That was constructive. Also, if you had searched the boards, you would have seen that this question has been asked and answered repeatedly.

5. The word is spelled "husbands." And buh-bye....good riddance to bad rubbish.

Wow what a nasty post!

AroundTheBlock · November 2013

Liatris2010 said: Gift registries are for the convenience of the guest.

monkeysip said: the point of a registry is to make things convenient for your guests.

Surely most readers can see that something has gone off the rails, when a lady who wants to forego gifts in favour of charity is being vilified, and ladies who make things convenient for their guests by directing their guests' expenditures toward their personal benefit are being lauded as a superior example.

Where we have gone off the rails, is by thinking of a registry as being a "gift" registry. Which is understandable, since most of the stores that actually kept true household registries have gone out of business or discontinued their registries, long enough ago that modern brides may not know anyone who registered in the formerly normal manner. The original idea was; that ladies would plan ahead for the kind of household they wanted to run when they set up their own household, would choose their silver and china and crystal patterns in advance (often as a rite of passage into adolescence!) and register those choices with a department store, and then gradually collect their place settings over their schoolroom years. It was their own responsibility to acquire the things on their registry, although their kinswomen generally helped with birthday and Christmas gifts over the years. So of course, there was no hint that a bride-to-be was just setting up her registry with the aim of -- how did @Jen9498 put it? Oh yes -- "telling other people how to spend their money". Planning how to run her future household, and what values to promote in that household, was just part of being a bride.

Fast forward to the age of websites, blogs, and small apartments; stainless steel and stoneware. Some people plan their lives around experiences or around "causes" rather than around "gracious living" and entertaining. You share your "story" on your website. Why would you be expected to eschew sharing your values, if you are so inclined? As long as the registry is positioned as "these are my priorities, my values, my responsibilities that I am taking on and sharing with you my friends only so you can know me better" it is unexceptional. If you are using your registry as a "gift registry" -- a fancy name for a letter to the wedding Santa, where the entries on your registry are carefully chosen for your guests' convenience in spending on you -- then even if it is entirely for traditional linens and fine dinnerware it is less than gracious.

Amboyna1220, over the coming weeks of planning, you will be in contact with many of your friends and acquaintances. If this is an important cause for you, I expect you will find yourself speaking about it in the course of conversation. There is absolutely nothing wrong with responding to the inevitable "what do you two need?" questions with "Oh, we don't need anything." But, as long as you do not go outright and ask for something specific, you can say tactfully "John and I realized how well off we are in material terms, when we learned about the neediness of (insert pet cause here).

Brides are allowed to have opinions, even on such "controversial" matters as charities.

Jen4948 · November 2013

AroundTheBlock said:

Liatris2010 said: Gift registries are for the convenience of the guest.

monkeysip said: the point of a registry is to make things convenient for your guests.

Surely most readers can see that something has gone off the rails, when a lady who wants to forego gifts in favour of charity is being vilified, and ladies who make things convenient for their guests by directing their guests' expenditures toward their personal benefit are being lauded as a superior example.

Where we have gone off the rails, is by thinking of a registry as being a "gift" registry. Which is understandable, since most of the stores that actually kept true household registries have gone out of business or discontinued their registries, long enough ago that modern brides may not know anyone who registered in the formerly normal manner. The original idea was; that ladies would plan ahead for the kind of household they wanted to run when they set up their own household, would choose their silver and china and crystal patterns in advance (often as a rite of passage into adolescence!) and register those choices with a department store, and then gradually collect their place settings over their schoolroom years. It was their own responsibility to acquire the things on their registry, although their kinswomen generally helped with birthday and Christmas gifts over the years. So of course, there was no hint that a bride-to-be was just setting up her registry with the aim of -- how did @Jen9498 put it? Oh yes -- "telling other people how to spend their money". Planning how to run her future household, and what values to promote in that household, was just part of being a bride.

Fast forward to the age of websites, blogs, and small apartments; stainless steel and stoneware. Some people plan their lives around experiences or around "causes" rather than around "gracious living" and entertaining. You share your "story" on your website. Why would you be expected to eschew sharing your values, if you are so inclined? As long as the registry is positioned as "these are my priorities, my values, my responsibilities that I am taking on and sharing with you my friends only so you can know me better" it is unexceptional. If you are using your registry as a "gift registry" -- a fancy name for a letter to the wedding Santa, where the entries on your registry are carefully chosen for your guests' convenience in spending on you -- then even if it is entirely for traditional linens and fine dinnerware it is less than gracious.

Amboyna1220, over the coming weeks of planning, you will be in contact with many of your friends and acquaintances. If this is an important cause for you, I expect you will find yourself speaking about it in the course of conversation. There is absolutely nothing wrong with responding to the inevitable "what do you two need?" questions with "Oh, we don't need anything." But, as long as you do not go outright and ask for something specific, you can say tactfully "John and I realized how well off we are in material terms, when we learned about the neediness of (insert pet cause here).

Brides are allowed to have opinions, even on such "controversial" matters as charities.

Sorry, no. Weddings are not the time to force one's views about who the "less fortunate" are on guests, because that is treating one's guests as a captive audience for a charity shill.

It is one thing to make others aware of a cause, but it needs to be done without bringing one's wedding, gifts, or favors into it. Weddings are not awareness-raising events or fundraisers.

monkeysip · November 2013

Yes, people who use their weddings as a way to push their charitable views and make themselves look like philanthropists.... yeah THOSE people are really the charitable ones, right?

Ummm... No. Charitable people give to charity WITHOUT advertising it or involving it with their wedding.

Or a really charitable person wouldn't have a big wedding at all and would donate that money to a charity.

Don't act like we're the scrooges here, and these people are the charitable ones.

AddieCake · November 2013

It's so simple. Your wedding is not the place to donate to charities, suggest charities, push charities, talk about charities, or have anything to do with charities. Why can't people understand this?

PrettyGirlLost · November 2013

AroundTheBlock said:

Liatris2010 said: Gift registries are for the convenience of the guest.

monkeysip said: the point of a registry is to make things convenient for your guests.

Surely most readers can see that something has gone off the rails, when a lady who wants to forego gifts in favour of charity is being vilified, and ladies who make things convenient for their guests by directing their guests' expenditures toward their personal benefit are being lauded as a superior example.

Brides are allowed to have opinions, even on such "controversial" matters as charities.

Sure Brides can have opinions and support charities, but they shouldn't push those opinions or charities on their guests during their wedding reception, which is supposed to be hosted to thank their guests.

It's a wedding reception, not a charity gala. The two are not and should not be synonymous.

Go ahead and forego gifts in favor of a charity. But what that means is that you do not create a registry and you donate any cash gifts you receive as a wedding gift to your charity yourself. You don't put charity info on your wedding website, as an insert in your invitations, you don't make a donation in lieu of a favor for your guests, and you don't ask them to put money in tip jars at your reception.

This is really not that hard.

HisGirlFriday13 · November 2013

marshmallow1982 said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

1. No, sweetie, you don't have to clarify. We knew how rude you were when you first commented.

2. Because the charity is OF YOUR CHOICE. You don't get to tell people how to spend their money, and you DEFINITELY don't get to tell them how to spend their money on you.

3. Because you're being a money-grubber by demanding that people give YOU money to support a charity of YOUR choice that maybe they don't agree with. As a PP said, no one is going to say, 'OH, I hope kids get cancer and die!" but some of us will say, "Oh, I'd rather give my money to X charity or Y organization to promote Z research."

4. We did. We told you not to do this. That was constructive. Also, if you had searched the boards, you would have seen that this question has been asked and answered repeatedly.

5. The word is spelled "husbands." And buh-bye....good riddance to bad rubbish.

Wow what a nasty post!

Why thank you!

Viczaesar · November 2013

@johansmith, you cannot advertise here. @KnotPorscha

TiaTea · November 2013

@amboyna1220 ( if still reading)

"I need a creative way to say " Im paying for your food and alcohol all night so put some money in the jar"

You can't say that.
If you do, the answer will be "I can pay for my own alcohol and food, at a place of my choice, and at a time of my convenience . I didn't need to be here."

You invited them to share your special moment and your happiness with them. You didn't invite them to contribute to a cause of yours. I mean , if you invited them for a special cause , you had to state that in advance - like those sales " parties", or a political meetings, or something.

I don't know if it is creative, but we got such an email ( for charity)once.
There was this couple , both in their mid/late 40s , both very wealthy, second marriage for both. Nobody knew what to get them. After the invitations went out, apparently many people had asked if there is a registry and what do they need. They had everything that most of us, their guests, could afford , and maybe much more.
After people have asked , they send an email which I can't remember exactly, but something like :
dear friends...many of you have asked ... thank you for your thoughts and generosity... we really don't need anything...at this point of our lives ... one of the things we are passionate about is So-an-dSo charity ...your support ... donations...much appreciated...etc.
Of course it sounded much better.

All I am saying is that if someone asks, you can tell them that you'd rather have them give to your charity, instead of getting you something. Otherwise gifts are never mentioned.

SP29 · November 2013

I agree that a wedding is not a time to push one's personal views on supporting a charity. As said, the reception is to thank your guests for coming to your ceremony, not a charity gala.

If you chose to support a charity, then have a smaller wedding where you donate the difference to charity. Don't have shower or a gift registry. If anyone ASKS you where you're registered, you could say, "We're not registered anywhere, but we do support X charity". If anyone gives you cash, you can choose to give that to charity. Otherwise, don't ask for money, or put tip jars out.

creative way to ask for money

Re: creative way to ask for money

Choose Another Board

Search Boards